2003
Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder.

I'm on my way
I don't know where I'm going
I'm on my way
I'm taking my time but I don't know where

Well, this marks the second straight year that wasn't the worst of my life. I'm going to be cheeky and constitute that as being on a roll.

Of course it could've gone better, I could've gotten that apartment and a girl could've the building block I would've built my life around, but we all know the latter's never ever going to happen and I'll have to shoot Bush to get Alba's attention, so...

I really thought I'd hit the wall this year. My friends were quite horrified when I celebrated my 24th birthday alone, presentless, and with a message that merely contained the lyrics to "You Know You're Right".

I had no motivation to do much of anything, and it showed. I finally got a job in June, and that seemed to reinforce my lack of motivation. I'm just kidding. In reality, as much as I despise it sometimes, it was pretty much the kick in the ass I desperately needed to not grow roots to the floor in my room. I got to do a bunch of stuff that'd always sounded cool but never done for one reason or another. Got to see the Black-Attell-Hedberg comedy show, which not only hurt the hell out of my face but also made sure I never looked at egg nog the same way again. I got to see my first wrestling show and even though Brock went over Rey he should've and the match was good. Plus I advanced to Thuganomics 151. *double horns* I got to see R.E.M. live which I only assumed would happen when I got famous and they were playing out the string. And I got to get down on the dance floor.

It is for all those reasons and cosmic justice that I would like to, in advance, declare 2004 my bitch and defy it to prove me wrong. Apartment. Woman. Frightening amount of joy. Book it.

And have a Happy New Year.

RoSserPW II: The Fellowship of the Smarks

Best Move
2) S.A.T.'s Spanish Fly
1) Victoria's Widow's Peak
--> Double backflip off the top into a double Rock Bottom/uranage. The degree of difficulty alone demands respect, not to mention it looks awesome. Speaking of which, while Jazz has more of them, Victoria's finisher is the shit. Not just the most awesome period, but awesome period and has to be mentioned in the same sentence as the F5, Stunner, Pedigree et al.

Best Match
2) Jericho/Michaels, WrestleMania XIX
1) Benoit/Angle, WWE Title @ Royal Rumble
--> Why is Y2J/HBK, with the better story leading in and going longer, #2? 'Cause Michaels went over. Sure, it set up the first Jerichoholic return tease after, but since I'm biased if Chris wins this I'd put it at #1. Benoit/Angle went right after the worst match of the year and defined the term "from the ridiculous to the sublime". Benoit's DDT on the apron, Angle's face-first turnbuckle powerbomb setting up the second Angle Slam to the heel hook he had to debut to hang on--THIS is why I remain a fan in the face of wave after wave of bullshit. To quote Mike Lupica, both of these are GTHs: got to haves.

Best Feud
2) C.M. Punk/Raven
1) HBK/Y2J
--> Punk/Raven I find awesome because of the contrasting styles. You book this 20--maybe even 10 years earlier, Raven is Public Enemy #1. Now, he's the babyface. Their styles go well together, and the fact they've had to team in some places just adds to the goodness. HBK/Y2J was awesome, as we both knew they were going to cut great promos but they really put on great match after great match when there was large doubt as to if Michaels could keep it up with his back problem and Jericho had been largely downcast at the outset.

Worst Wrestler
2) Mark Henry
1) Nathan Jones
--> *cues up Angle's music* YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN AND SUCK! YOU MAKE THE KLAN LOOK LIKE A VIABLE IDEA AGAIN! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!

Worst Tag Team
2) Mark Henry & Rodney Mack
1) 3 Minute Warning
--> When somebody really really really really re he he he he he eaaaaaaly sucks putting them with someone fresh off the farm league is A Bad Idea. If 3MW had remained Bischoff's hired goons they would've been in consideration for Best Gimmick. Just like there was no Ronnie Lott playing for the Raiders, or the Lakers winning it all last year if Horry makes the Game 5 shot against the Spurs, I will not listen to arguments to the contrary.

Worst Heel
2) Eddy Guerrero
1) Gail Kim
--> Because I love both of them, but in very different ways.

Worst Babyface
2) Billy Gunn
1) Stephanie McMahon.
--> Ah, Billy Gunn, or as I liked to call him, "Scrubs is on, isn't it? I can watch that for 5 minutes now." And Steph Bear? Apu 3:16 says I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW YOU DON'T SHUT UP!

Worst Worker
2) Mark Henry
1) Kevin Nash
--> This is my "they COULD'VE pushed Stevie Night Heat or Lance Storm or Christian or Hurricane by himself but NOOOOOOOOOO it's you two tubby fucks who'd only get in an entertaining fight over who'd get the last drumstick at Thanksgiving dinner" smark mandatory vote.

Least Favorite
TRIPLE H.
--> I assume when he dies they're still going to book him to go over Jericho.

Most Deteriorated
2) Jeff Hardy
1) Scott Steiner.
--> What happens when a highspot machine can no longer hit the highspots? You take it out back and shoot it. I'm perfectly willing to forgive Steiner if they change his music to D12's "Purple Pills" or he engineers a time machine and brings 1991 Scott Steiner in his place.

Most Underrated
2) Sean O'Haire
1) Matt Hardy VERSION FUCKING ONE
--> SOH was the one Natural Born Thriller I liked, with Inferior Hardy gone he was safe to use the senton bomb, he's big, crazy hops, and the devil's advocate was a cheap excuse to print money. But since we were all salivating for Sable/Cat and Vince/Steph part four billion and six you can catch him on Velocity every weekend. PUH. THETIC. If you don't get the Matt Hardy kick, you probably never will and should probably go back to not studying as your spot as Bovine University valedictorian may be in danger by that sandwich over there.

Worst Gimmick
2) "Big Ass" Molly Holly
1) La Resistance
--> What really killed me about #2 (well, besides they thought that constituted a push of the division--JUST WRITE IT LIKE NORMAL YOU MONKEYS) is that Trish has a bigger ass than Molly. And big asses are IN. I'm supposed to hate a cute white girl with a big ass? You must have me confused with Parallel Universe Butch, a white female lesbian who's favorite band is 'NSync. And La Resistance took everything already moronic about a war and got propped out for cheap heat. Good for it working on the marks, it don't mean I got to like it. And you did the same boo USA angle with FOUR guys the year before that.

Worst Move
2) Cena's FU
1) the People's Elbow
--> Now that Cena's a hard rock with the ground & pound and the head-dropping exemptions have been up a couple years, they need to let him hit the full-on DVD and not that bastardized Falcon Arrow. And the People's Elbow is the greatext example of move gayness especially as a viable finisher to crowd overness. HATE loving these.

Worst Match
2) HeAT vs. RAW announcers
1) Steiner/Triple H, RAW Title @ the Rumble
--> Hey! You know who should wrestle? WRESTLERS! You know what announcers shouldn't be doing? WRESTLING! And while watching crippled guys on South Park is funny...

Worst Feud
2) Vince/Steph
1) Shane/Kane
--> Go fig, huh? Shane either needs to become a full-time highspot machine in the CW division or go back to banging his ludicrously hot wife.

Most Disappointing
2) World Champion Triple H
1) Death of Curt Hennig
--> I still can't believe he actually put Goldberg over that time. Hennig is pretty much the reason I'm a smark as he was the first heel I loved like a face, and he was kicking out the jams back when. My childhood is now property of the ground.

Most Obnoxious
2) the Cat
1) Stephanie McMahon
--> Can someone tell New Jack they're late on their mortgages and let the rest write itself?

Best Announer
2) Mike Tenay
1) Michael Cole
--> I think Tenay's actually the best but Cole gets better product. Cole actually being the best announcer isn't quite on the level of the Bucs winning the Super Bowl but it's damn close.

Best Color
2) Al Snow
1) Tazz
--> Al Snow will be at Tazz's level in a couple of years. He carried Coach like Kirsten Dunst carried "crazy/beautiful". He'll make that level assuming he doesn't try to reinforce I'm A Bad Guy too much; his knowledge of moves, psychology and occassional Babaganooch brother joke don't make me feel like such a dork for watching Stevie Night. Tazz had that problem, now he knows everything but isn't afraid to rip stuff he doesn't like. Keys To Victory & Tale of the Tape--FINALLY. His sell job of the 60 minute Angle/Lesnar would've won it alone, but doing so all year makes him far and away THE #2.

Best Interview
2) John Cena
1) Chris Jericho
--> I've already ridden Cena enough, so here's something interesting: Chris Jericho did one piece of commentary for six minutes a few months ago on a RAW. He placed SIXTH in the Best Color voting. While this says a lot about color commentary in the year 03 it says about five times as much about Jericho. I now realize he is the wrestling equivalent of LaDanian Tomlinson. If he was on a playoff team with a first-round bye, there would be a statue in his honor and it would eat pigeons. As it is, he's just the motherfucking man forever doomed by the no-talent assclowns around him.


Best Angle
2) the Rock Goes Hollywood
1b) Jericho grows up idolizing Shawn Michaels then sets out to destroy him
1a) KURT.
--> That Kurt joke is NEVER going to get old. Ya hear me? Never ever ever. the Rock took something that everyone was thinking, then did it. Not only did it, but proved why he's going to Hollywood in the process. I bet Hurricane misses him a lot. And Jericho/Michaels was built on some basic old-school booking, including a whomp-ass highlight package to show the similarities in style, and then kicked out the motherfucking jams in the ring to back all that chewy goodness up. It would've been nice for Jericho to have beaten HBK at SummerSlam and not on a RAW but that's what happens when you live under the shadow of The Nose.

Best Wrestling Organization
2) Ring Of Honor
1) EMLL
--> I beg Ring of Honor. Get on TV. Have a one-cent pay-per-view. Do SOMETHING so I don't have to borrow off the Net and people can actually see the wonderous awesomicity that is Chris Daniels, that is American Dragon, that is Low Ki. DO IT! EMLL's #1 because lucha is awesome and because they have Dr. Wagner Jr.

Best Show
2) EMLL whenever the hell they have it on
1) SmackDown
--> This is it, in a nutshell: you have not lived until you see a 90-year-old woman stand up to the most badass heel you can find and attempt to beat him to death with her purse. NEVER seen it happen in North America, on EMLL I remember seeing it at least TWICE. Did I mention due to their wacky scheduling I haven't seen a drop of lucha since August? And gee, the One Big Promotion's show where they put the best technical wrestlers and the gimmicks of the year (and the well I don't have to consider the workrate while I check for testicular cancer hotties) is number one in my eyes. I Am In Shock.

Best Major Show
2) Royal Rumble
1) Vengeance
--> Solid Rumble, Match of the Year. I'm easy like that. And on the heels of the absolute Flair Flop that was the RAW only PPV the SmackDown only PPV, to the surprise of some idiot, started off kicking ass, continued to kick ass, built a shrine to its own bad ass, and then went back to kicking some motherfucking ass. Rey & Kidman vs. ex-Team Angle for the tag straps, Benoit/Guerrero for the back up in your ass with the resurrection US Title, and Angle/Lesnar/Show for the World Title. I mean, short of Torrie Wilson reaching through your screen and giving you a handjob, that's about as good as it gets.

Best Promotional Move
2) The women's division stops leaning on the T&A
1) Eddy push
--> The women went from "can I get off on this modified softcore porn in the minute and a half they're going to give it" to the #2 reason I watched RAW. Gimme Trish/Victoria, Ivory/Jazz and Victoria/Stacy over...well, let's just say everybody on RAW except seven guys. And finally they got behind Eddy and realized this guy's pretty good. It's like scratching a lottery ticket, putting it down and not looking at it for 3 weeks until you realize, hey, this thing's worth $62 million!

Worst Announcer
2) the Cat
1) Jerry Lawler
--> Lawler needs to have his throat box removed so I can watch Molly be the new age bizarro world Malenko without wanting to beat the shit out of my TV.

Worst Interview
2) Stephanie
1) Linda
--> Apu 3:16 & Mrs. Roboto. I shudder to think what's going to happen to the doctors' heads when Steph gives birth to the Antismark.

Worst Angle
2) Mr. America
1) La Resistance
--> THIS is what people always bring up after the disdainful "You like that crap?" and there is no answer for this. I mean, there is, but they don't want to sit through Angle/Benoit so you sit there quietly stewing at them waiting for an opportunity to procure the crossface chickenwing on their ass.

Worst Show
2) RAW
1) AAA
--> The competition has Angle/Show/Lesnar, exAngles v. Rey & Kidman, and Benoit/Guerrero. You counter with Triple H/Kevin Nash. DIE. If EMLL is the chick allowing my buddy to live the dream, AAA is the investment banker who won't talk about anything but herself.

Worst Show
2) Bad Blood
1) Judgment Day
--> Hey, I picked two RAW-only PPVs! I Am In Absolute And Complete Shock!

Worst Promotional Move
2) Burying Matt Hardy
1) Heyman demoted
--> Heyman turned SmackDown into must watch, for which it made him look better than Triple H's Show and thus had to be cut like wheat before the scythe. If I talk anymore about how Matt carried the undercard and his job was to lose to the one-legged freak show in his first PPV match I am going to cry, then get the chainsaw.

BONUS! Best Entrances!
3) OLD SCHOOL Christian with the golden shower of pyro
2) Christopher Daniels
1) Matt Motherfucking Hardy Version By God Motherfucking One

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

Currently playing: Grinspoon's "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"

RoSserPW part one
Warning: Post known to contain wresting and is inspired by the Annual RSPW Awards. Should you not care for this...well, I'll talk my head off about something else very soon.

I miss WOW. And CMLL. I miss there being alternatives.

Mostly I just miss RNN. And that push Matt Hardy had that week.

Best Wrestler
2) Christopher Daniels
1) Eddy Guerrero
--> I've only gotten to see a handful of his matches, but Chris Daniels is your only god. If he was on SmackDown the mark bandwagon would build faster than a Starbucks. Eddy merely does it all: effective scumbag. Effective underdog. Great talker. Awesome wrestler. Good, original gimmick. Five-tool wrestler, and there's about 8 of them left.

Best Tag Team
2) Los Guerreros
1) America's Team--well, that's what I calls them: Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas
--> Take two good wrestlers, and give them a gimmick that not only gets them over but is incorporated into their matches--it's real easy sometimes. B&H--assuming they stay together in our hyperspeed time could be the next Midnight Express. They seem to be a TEAM instead of "here's two guys together, go" and the Broken Arrow is the best name for a move outside of Cena's old Killswitch.

Best Heel
2) Rock
1) Chris Jericho
--> Rock was a heel for about two months. That is how good he was--so good, I didn't want to boo him because he was so awesome being a heel. He totally could've half-assed and kept his good Hollywood name. Instead, he was THE reason I started watching RAW again, made me laugh so hard with his second concert I fell off my bed twice AND put over the Hurricane. Triple H, I know Dwayne Johnson. I booed Dwayne Johnson, and I cheered Dwayne Johnson, and you sir (and I use that term loosely) are no Dwayne Johnson. This is the last year, if my Spidey-senses are right, that Jericho's going to be eligible for this. And when Rock left and I was back on the RAW Jihad, the Highlight Reel made me watch if only for 10 minutes. The match he wrestled face with Trish vs. Rico & Jackie he actually changed his wrestling style to be "face" Jericho (inside-outside springboard dropkick anyone?) before switching back to evil at the drop of a hat. And the fans have been trying to get him back since the end of his XIX match. For him to be entertaining and yet get others over at the same time while looking like he could beat anyone not fucking Steph--this one's for you. C'mon baybay!

Best Face
2) Trish Stratus
1) Rey Misterio
--> I'm picking people who've stayed face all year and wrestled all year, and these were the only two. :) In all seriousness, Rey is consistently over no matter where he is and could be seen as a US Title level guy. Plus, the tiny size and high-flying screams "LOVE ME PEOPLE!" Trish, #2 on my ballot and #1 in my pants. A couple divas wrestle better, but none of them look as good or emote quite as well. There were about five reasons to watch RAW during the summer and Trish held up the entire babyface side (you could look it up) of one of the main two. Plus, she keeps on innovating with the Matrish Skipper lean-back counter and the Stratusphere. Maybe it's just because I keep thinking of T & A, then looking at Trish look hot WHILE whomping ass AND YET looking vulnerable but I'm reminded of Kevin Arnold's reaction when Winnie Cooper came back from summer vacation in the first Wonder Years.

Best Worker
2) Kurt Angle
1) Chris Benoit
--> My mildly-interested Dad, actually watching Benoit kick out the jams against A-Train of all people, after a chop sounded off throughout our apartment: Someone forgot to tell the missing tooth guy this is FAKE, didn't they? Nuff said.

Best Flyer
2) Rey Misterio
1) Rob Van Dam
--> Maybe Amazing Red would've gotten in if I'd seen more stuff. But watching the Cinco Estrellas Frog Splash, whether it be standard issue, covering ¾ of the ring and pivoting in mid-air, or off a ladder, is always going to be the bees knees for me.

Best Technical
2) Chris Benoit
1) Kurt Angle
--> Could easily be reversed but Kurt always makes a point of using the amateur stuff in his matches.

Best Brawler
2) Kane
1) Brock Lesnar
--> While I'd rather see Angle/Benoit than Lesnar/Kane, there's a time to chain wrestle and there's a time to punch a guy in his fucking face and knock him on his ass. It's a shame they took the triple powerbomb away from Lesnar since that made him look even more bad-ass cyborgy. Lesnar can do the tech stuff but he's at his best whomping somebody like they eyed his woman, culminating in the F5. Kane? Yes. Maybe it's just the heel turn letting him get in more offense, but when I see Kane punching away the overriding thought in my head is "Boy, would that suck to be me."

Most Favorite
2) John Cena
1) Matt Hardy
--> "Your sister calls me Leprechaun/always after my Lucky Charms". "Me name Brock/here come the pain/God build me STROOOOOONG/forget to give brain". "I'll leave you on the wrong end of a Kobe Bryant violation." A: Name 3 reasons Cena should've won. It's true he flows like a glacier, but conversely one of those took down the Titanic didn't it? Matt Hardy's career reinvention was nothing short of incredible--the awesome gimmick is in place, now somebody give the fucker a push for crying out flayven!

Most Improved
2) Randy Orton
1) Victoria
--> Once upon a time, Randy Orton had his dad's taunt, a goofy-looking backbreaker, a frog splash crossbody, and the Play of the Day. Then he got a personality, and then BAM! He's not The Man or anything, but steps are being made for all the potential we all heard so much about. Victoria went from afterthought to--GASP--being better than Molly Holly in the ring. And she did it on one good leg to boot.

Most Overrated
2) Triple H.
1) TRIPLE H.
--> *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

Best Gimmick
2) Matt Hardy...VERSION 1.
1) WORD LIFE! THIS IS BASIC THUGANOMICS!
--> Dean Rasmussen: If you ain't MFer, you ain't shit. Matt's psychotic cult leader, bringing up Shannon Moore with one hand and Twist of Fating him with the other, always made for quality matches and even better promos. PUSH. Hey, remember P.N. News? Remember the Road Dogg? Cena took a one-off spot on the throwaway Halloween show and turned it into SmackDown's Must See TV. Which verse is going to be the quotable line of the night? Which one is going to make the audience "OH!"? What dirty word do we all get to sing along at the end? "I'm untouchable, but I'm forcing you to feel me." True.

More to come...

Currently playing: Adam Sandler's talking goat sketch

From the Home Office Three Crows Short Of A Murder By The North Pole

DROPPED: "Breathe", 10; "Faint", 8

[10] Chingy, Ludarcis, & Snoop Dogg, "Holidae In" (NR)*
[09] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (5)
[08] the Darkness, "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" (NR)*
[07] Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Fortune Faded" (6)
[06] No Doubt, "It's My Life" (9)**

[05] Alicia Keys, "You Don't Know My Name" (7)*
[04] Big Boi & Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move" (4)*

[03] Kelis, "Milkshake" (3)*

[02] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" (2)*

[01] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (1)

Currently playing: Metallica's "St. Anger"

Grande En Dos Mil y Tres

Favorite CD: R.E.M.'s second best of compilation, In Time 88-03

Favorite movie: (tie) Kill Bill volume 1 and LotRotK

Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV

My favorite new toy: Whatever jersey I'm wearing. Word life.

I'm totally obsessed with: Jessica Alba's an acceptable answer, yes?

Best sex I've had this year: You really don't want THAT answered.

My 2003 regret: Missing out on an apartment by 3 days

Word or phrase of the year:
3) "I don't (care) about no trade rumors. As long as somebody CTC at the end of the day, I'm with them. For all you that don't know what CTC means, that's 'Cut The Check'. I just go out there and play. So long as somebody CTC, it's gravy with me."--Rasheed Wallace
2) "Welcome to the O.C., bitch! That's how we do things in Orange County!"
1) "23 is old! 23 is almost 25, which is almost mid-twenties!" Ironically enough I was watching the Malibu Stacy Simpsons and when I turned to MTV on the off chance they were showing a video Jessica Simpson was on. I already knew the Winamp was sentient, now the TV's plotting against me...

Who most needs a Queer Eye makeover?: Probably me.

Is Kobe guilty?: Adultery, si, rape, no

Ambition for 2004: Finish Jesus Smirked, independence, love, regional domination...pretty standard really.

Best song I downloaded this year: (tie) Coldplay, "Warning Sign" & Fountains Of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom"

Favorite book of 2003: Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Philosophy: Fear & Trembling In Sunnydale

The drunkest I was this year: I can't exactly remember the entirety of it but I know Heinken was my anti-drug. Maybe the wedding?

Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: After work, hopefully at some party about to get busy consistently and throughly

Currently playing: the Who, "I Can't Explain"

Giving's Better Than Receiving? Oh, MAN, Am I Getting Old...

I got my mother the jersey of her favorite WNBA player, Dawn Staley. Got my dad the Best Sports Illustrated Writing the First 50 Years. Got my brother the f'n Gamecube and Spider-Man to boot with the free Zelda stuff they gave me.

And I get...
--2 packs of chocolates
--flip-flops
--Gillette travel pack
--pajama pants
--basketball hoop--to go over the garbage can
--The Stone Cold Truth (thx Rob)
--$35 (thx Grandma and Aunt)

What do you call capitalism? Getting FUCKED!--Tony Montana

Next year is all about Festivus.

Anyway, like last year it looks like I'm gonna make my own Christmas, by buying Madden '04 and sending away for Def Jam Vendetta for the Cube (latter won on Ebay for $5.50. Moral of the story--auctions that end on Christmas = cheap), and possibly the neo-retro royal blue Kobe jersey, or Shaq since I don't have him yet and last Day After Christmas I got the standard issue road Kobe jersey.

More stuff to come later since there's a giant piss being taken on San Diego by Mother Nature today and writing porn on Christmas seems wrong even by my lowly standards.

Currently playing: Public Enemy's "FIGHT THE POWER~~~~~~~~!"

My Favorite 25 Songs Of 2003

Barry White died this year.

Ja Rule came out with another CD.

Celia Cruz and Robert Palmer died also.

Justin Timberlake came out with a CD, and had sex with Alyssa Milano and Cameron Diaz, quite possibly at the same time.

Moral of the story? Life's unfair, get a fucking helmet!--Pastor Denis Leary

As it gets harder and harder to stomach what the One Big Label pushes, finding stuff you like gets more and more difficult like mining for gold. You have to figure a thousand songs came out this year if you underestimate, and yet looking over the entire list, I don't believe I even made 70 songs. And most of them are repeats by the same artists. I think I'm not alone in saying: what I don't like dominates the press, so what I do like I hang onto like the cold hand of death. With that preamble out of the way, let me offer condolences.

"React", "Wanksta", "Gossip Folks", the remixed "P.I.M.P.", "Fortune Faded", and "Come Away With Me." Something was missing--let's call it heart (no hustle either, Skip!). In reality, I loved all you guys but just not quite enough to make the big list. If any of the other 25 should fail to fulfill their duties...well, they won't. Sorry.

Let's go!

<25> Audioslave, "Show Me How To Live"
<24> Obie Trice, "Got Some Teeth (My Favorite Song)"
<23> Kelis, "Milkshake"
<22> Pharrell & Jay-Z, "Frontin'"
<21> Big Boi f. Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move"

<20> Foo Fighters, "All My Life"
<19> Queens of the Stone Age, "Go With The Flow"
<18> Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"
<17> R.E.M., "Bad Day"
<16> Killer Mike f. Big Boi, "A.D.I.D.A.S."


15) the White Stripes, "The Hardest Button To Button/Seven Nation Army" (tie)
--> Everything they sang this year was money; so much so that this isn't even their best showing. Meg White's quite underrated.

14) Ludacris, "Stand Up"
--> Gigantic chicken drumstick: $13.50. Iverson throwback: $75. Midgets getting down: PRICELESS.

13) Radiohead, "There There"
--> The second verse alone with the "don't reach out" background cadence gets it here.

12) Coldplay, "Clocks"
--> When I described Parachutes' singles as getting consecutively better and better I never dreamed they'd have enough in the tank to keep THESE singles better than those. Matter of fact, where's the song they released after this?

11) Electric Six f. Jack White, "Danger (High Voltage)"
--> "Fire in the disco/fire in the disco/fire in the Taco Bell!" I still don't know what in the blue hell that means but it's still somehow such a sexy song you have to have Beyonce singing a hook to up this.

10) the Roots f. Cody Chestnutt, "The Seed 2.0"
--> In which ?uestlove and the best hip-hop band alive pilfer the last great forgotten Rolling Stones hook and make cheating sound...well, cool.

09) Foo Fighters, "Times Like These"
--> It's "Everlong 2003" but you can do worse than rehashing the best part of your history.

08) Snoop & Pharrell, "Beautiful"
--> This video taught me a valuable lesson: MOVE TO BRAZIL.

07) Andre 3000, "Hey Ya"
--> You can tell somebody's a fucking bad-ass when they take a video concept of Paul McCartney's, dress up like a jockey, and you're not hearing him 'cause you just wanna dance.

06) Johnny Cash, "Hurt"
--> This is how awesome this song is: it made Trent Reznor cry. We should all be so lucky to go out like this and be 1/10th the motherfucking shit Johnny was. Oh, and it's Video of the Year for the cracked Live In San Quentin platinum record alone but you know that already.

05) 50 Cent, "In Da Club"
--> At first you had The Nine Shot Story came out. Then he dropped this, and things changed just a little bit. Old white women know this song by heart, for crying out flayven.

04) Beyonce f. Jay-Z, "Crazy In Love"
--> Aside from giving Warren Sapp dancing ideas this song is flawless.

03) Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Can't Stop"
--> It's crazy to think a band can be around two decades and seeming just hitting their stride at the end of it, but the Peppers've always defied convention anyways.

02) Fountains of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom"
--> Note to all other bands who write great songs but want the attention they rightfully deserve: you can do a hell of a lot worse than sing catchy choruses about universal subjects with a supermodel in your video.

01) Coldplay, "The Scientist"
--> Is A Rush Of Blood To The Head mandatory owning? Well, as good as "I was just guessing/at numbers and figures/pulling your puzzles apart" and the last celestial minute are, this isn't even the best song on the CD. DAY-amn.

SIGH.

Well, the Democrats can officially fold now (voice in crowd: I thought they did already!). Bin Laden better watch out in 2014, that's all I've got to say.

Top 20 through the first half of the year:
1. Coldplay, The Scientist
2. 50 Cent, In Da Club
3. Johnny Cash, Hurt
4. Snoop & Pharrell, Beautiful
5. Foo Fighters, Times Like These
6. the Roots & Cody Chestnutt, The Seed 2.0
7. Radiohead, There There
8. the White Stripes, Seven Nation Army
9. Killer Mike & Big Boi, A.D.I.D.A.S.
10. Queens of the Stone Age, Go With the Flow
11. Audioslave, Set It Off
12. Norah Jones, Come Away With Me
13. Missy Elliot & Ludacris, Gossip Folks
14. Deftones, Minerva
15. Joe Budden, Pump It Up
16. Killer Mike, Akshon (Yeah!)
17. Goo Goo Dolls, Sympathy
18. Socialburn, Down
19.. Zwan, Honestly
20. Baby & the Clipse, What Happened To That Boy

Currently playing: Janet's "Miss You Much"

From the Home Office On Channel Sixty(MTV) Two

DROPPED: Bad Day, 10; Moses (live), 9

[10] Michelle Branch--"Breathe" (5)
[09] No Doubt--"It's My Life" (N)*
[08] Linkin Park--"Faint" (8)*
[07] Alicia Keys--"You Don't Know My Name" (N)*
[06] Red Hot Chili Peppers--"Fortune Faded" (3)

[05] Ludacris--"Stand Up" (2)
[04] Big Boi & Sleepy Brown--"The Way You Move" (5)*

[03] Kelis--"Milkshake" (4)

[02] Jet--"Are You Gonna Be My Girl" (6)**

[01] Andre 3000--"Hey Ya" (1) [4w]

Currently playing: Forest for the Trees' "Dream"

Does That Make Me The Black John Cena?
SmackDown Spoilers

After I went through my work shift (***) and broke to get pizza for lunch(****¾: opening bite burned the roof of my mouth), I headed off to the Sports Arena. I don't know what's keeping the E from using Cox Arena unless they're afraid they can't wall off enough of the upper levels. I waited in line for about 90 minutes, and I was one of the first 30 in line. Just my luck, I'm right in front of the Jeff Hardy Fan Club AND OF COURSE they have better seats than I do. Being around a bunch of marks was slightly unnerving, probably because I'm plowing through Sex, Lies, & Headlocks at Guinessian rates. I still can't believe the heart punch actually killed a guy.

My seats were in the front of the second level area, 10 rows southeast of the announce table. Upper middle class. The Sports Arena was nearly a sellout--I think. I don't know if part of the upper level was blocked off for television purposes or not.

Anyway, me & my new Word Life throwback settle in...

Dark Matches
Jamie Noble d. Psychosis, pinfall: Huge pop for both, Noble for being the first wrestler out and Psychosis due to the lucha proximity. In a spot I'm surprised just got thrown out there, Noble dumped Psychosis over the ring post to the floor on a moonsault attempt. Noble got some small chants, though I was rooting for Psychosis. Either that and/or I carry severe delusions about how much tang I could score in that mask. Noble's back suplex is a thing of beauty live in addition to Memorex. Noble won by reversing a top rope hurricanrana into a sunset flip.

A tag match featuring jobbers--hey! Those fuckers stole the International Workrate Connections tandem dropkicks to the temple! BOOO!--before they brought out Josh Matthews to "Click Click Boom" and Bill DeMott to his own theme. Josh was booed and Bill cheered which if nothing else is a reminder to MOVE.

Velocity
Nunzio & Palumbo v. Spanky & London: A good match, as is becoming the standard in this low-level rivalry. L&S hit a Russian legsweep/bulldog lariat combo. In a funny spot Spanky got his foot and arm on the ropes and Nunzio stomped the crap out of him for it. London hit the Dropsault and the ROHers hit some CRAZAY move I'm going to have to see on TV to describe accurately. In the end Palumbo superkicked London into a Nunzio powerbomb for the win.

Ultimo Dragon v. Tony T.: So much fire in the entrance I couldn't even SEE Dragon. He hit a PLANCHA~! but not the Asai moonsault. A squash won by the Asai DDT, check please. Dragon was crazy over; insert smarky PUSH MORE DAMMIT comment. The kid next to me loved him.

Orlando Jordan v. Kanyon: Sign: "Bring Back Mortis". If you hear someone chanting "Kanyon!" at various points without any support, that's me, though a section of smarks--and the kid, Alba bless him--joined in at various intervals. An all right match that Jordan won, sadly, with the Bulldog running powerslam.

CRUISER TITLE--Kidman v. Tajiri: The best match of Velocity and possibly of the night. Tajiri busted out a grounded version of the Million Dollar Dream, so maybe that's clounding my opinion some. Anyway, they hit their big moves and spots, but the Yakuza fended off Kidman's attempt at the Shooting Star Press and Tajiri bridged out of a rana to deliver the Buzzsaw kick.

SMACKDOWN!
Heyman is out to start us off and immediately becomes a bastard by saying Benoit will never get another shot at the title as long as he's GM. "YOU SUCK!" chant abounds. As Vince once built around Hogan & Austin, so he will build on the back of Brrrrrrrrrrrrrock LESNAR! "You Tapped Out" went on for about a minute before Brock cut the Kurt Angle anti-Mexican promo with some more Best Champion Ever spiel before making an open challenge. Whoever shall answer?

And who's that jumping out the sky?

Brock immediately asks Rey if he can help him, and Rey works in some Foley pops. Brock calls Rey a jumping bean. I call Brock a puta (sadly I didn't get to el hijo de mil putas). Eventually he allows that if Rey can beat him non-title tonight he'll get the whole enchilada next week. Mysterio says not only will we be chanting "You Tapped Out" after tonight's over, but "6! 1! 9!" as well. Brock looked in my general direction, probably wondering what a puta was and/or who called him it. I shot him the finger. Of course if he'd come after me I would've thrown the kid at him and ran like Clinton WHOO BAH GAWD Portis.

Rhyno v. Bradshaw: I really should've taken my piss break here. Crowd was dead, and Rhyno won by cradling Bradshaw off of a superplex. About what you'd expect, if you expected slow, plodding, and boring. 2nd rope Last Call.

Heyman's with A-Train & Matt Morgan, and wants to know why Train bet Benoit last week. Anyway, as punishment A-Train will be fed to...Shannon Moore. Morgan says don't screw this up. Train shrugs him off.

They played a Rey video package to P.O.D.'s "Boom". The WrestleMania XX that started off the night used the acoustic "Times Like These" & "Boom" as well.

Next week the Bashams are going to defend vs. II Cool II. 10-1 odds against Moore is the line the FBI lays on Morgan, who proceeds to bet heavily on Train. I Wonder Where This Is Going.

A-Train v. Shannon Moore: Sure enough, Moore bumps like a freak (YAAAAvalanche victim, swung into the barrier, backdropped to the floor) only to get a flash pinfall off of a sunset flip. Morgan & Show come out and...I just can't believe this...lay out A-Train. ChokeSLAM. Can ANY good come from this?

The Cat got booed in the tease, and he got booed again. Lamont was more over but he couldn't even draw cheap heat. Sable came out and teased, but eventually Miller kissed her anyway and danced in his boxers. You have been warned. It would've been nice if someone warned me. Also, insert comment later about Benoit not wrestling but getting five minutes of this.

Eddie & Chavo seem to be more simpatico this week, and Chavo says his knee's all right.

Los Guerreros v. World's Greatest Tag Team: In a cool side note Chavo seemed to bristle at the EDDY chant but encouraged the GUERRERO chant that went on during the match. It should also be noted he got his own chants, and this was match of the night in all likelihood. The ex-Team Angle worked over Eddy's arm (after Eddy sold a Benjamin single-arm DDT that looked botched like the icy touch of death) and took care of Chavo off his hot tag. Haas stopped Eddie's frog splash with a superplex and they hit their Broken Arrow (alley-oop shot to the back) for 2. Eddie cleaned house to one of the top 3 spots of the night, but Chavo blind tagged himself in and hit the frog splash. This lead to a 2 count and More Dissension, as Haas dropkicked Chavo into Eddie before taking out the nephew with their inverted atomic drop/superkick combo. Knocking Eddie to the floor allowed him to grab a hubcap and clobber Shelton with it for the win.

Rey warming up.

Show came out in more urban gear than usual, and it turns out he was there not to eat the entirety of the Krispy Kreme just off of Sports Arena property but to challenge John Cena to a battle rap. I believe he intoned the phrase "get your iz-ass to the rizing", which is all wrong. "Iz-ass"? Anyway, Show didn't get going until his last rhyme where he said in his world John was a white girl and he was Kobe Bryant. For about a minute, Big Show was beloved. Then Cena came out and destroyed him by using about 18 different ways to call him a fat tub of goo, secondarily saying that Show was doing heavy breathing because he was choking on his neck fat and ending with "the white Fat Albert". OUCH. Cena threw the mic up, and when Show went for it he kicked him in the crotch. Then he walked off smiling. If they don't pull the trigger on Cena over Show at the Rumble...yikes. The Austin comparisons continue I bet.

Noble came in before Torrie could tell Nidia what Jamie had done last week. Jamie was looking at her the entire time. I guess Billy Gunn cockblocked him to eternity, but I'm not supposed to remember that, am I?

Josh with Benoit. He made no excuses and cut his usual intense promo, saying that he still has the desire to win the belt, Heyman edict or not.

TALE OF THE TAPE~! Where were Tazz's Keys to Victory?

Rey Mysterio v. Brock Lesnar: Very good stuff here. Rey made Lesnar chase him around before taking him down with the LUCHA LIBRE~!, culminating into a rana takeover that ended up posting the champion. Lesnar slowed it down with backbreakers & the rear naked choke but Rey eventually hit the 619 followed by Dropping the Dime. Lesnar kicked out, then powerbombed Rey back into the Dark Ages off a hurricanrana attempt. He went for the Stretch Muffler after, and though Rey hung in for a bit he eventually tapped out.

A fan rushed the ring, only to reveal Bob Holly. He got in a couple shots, Lesnar bailed, and the crowd went batshiit. That reminds me, I have to move. Holly helped Rey up, he posed, they played the music.

After the fact, Rey & Tito Ortiz were in the ring and posed, then Rey slapped every fan's hand he could. Jason said they'd be back soon but didn't announce a date.

A good show that by the same token is entirely missable.

But it was my first time, and I had fun and got the shirt I wanted. REALLY wished I'd remembered my signs. :(

I blame Triple H.

But Don't Expect Me To Break Out In Song About It, & Some Of The Noise That Keeps Me Awake

Hot damn, I loves the eBay. I've been able to build a jersey collection at discount rates, and now it's really helped me plow through Christmas shopping. I'm about half-done and if I catch some breaks and win some auctions I could be all done by next week.

Next week! As in two weeks before Christmas next week!

What non-gay non-metrosexual male would be done so early? The cool thing about eBay is that my parents will like the stuff I got them, but it's East Coast. It's hard to find anything out of state in local areas especially when you're such devoted fans like them with specific tastes. But eBay's like radar lock, man. I'll be done for Christmas early, and I can actually feel all right about spending some money selfishly at a fraction of the normal prices.

What's not to love?

In unrelated news, I got my SmackDown tickets for next week's taping. I don't think I'll make it on camera, as I was able to only finagle upper middle class tickets (front of the upper deck) as opposed to the upper class (ringside) seats. I actually got lucky by waiting until today to hit the Sports Arena as the E had just cleared that area after doing the production run through. Barely even $30, and I'll probably end up with an Eddie or Cena shirt.

Hey, speaking of shirts, check out THE shirt to have this winter. And all I ever wanted was the funny shirt, a simple kind of life...

I had to buy a replacement Mavs Kidd jersey. Funny story--true story--I'm about to do the Gaslamp Crawl a couple weeks ago and the sports shop is open at like 10:30 pm. I've had a couple Heinies at Hooters so Ivan & I go in. I have the Kidd jersey on me because generally after a night of dancing I'm sweating like Jimmy Smith in rehab (the fuck) and I want something cool with air holes on me to cool off in case after we go have more drinks or hookah or whatever. I hand the jersey to the guy behind the counter so he sees I haven't magically shoplifted it, and he unfolds it and checks it out. A Mavs Kidd is rare, so he begins to offer me money for it. I think he's kidding, but he eventually gets to $20. It's not a lot, but I paid $12 for it and beer's in me and I'm thinking $8 profit.

So I sold it, only to win an auction for a replacement at $13.63. *shrug* Odd, odd, odd.

Note to self: must try "Are you married/are you single/do you make more than $100,000 a year before taxes?" on some poor unsuspecting girl before '03 ends.

Currently playing: P.O.D.'s "Alive"

From The Home Office In Martha Stewart's Lovely Cell Block

Also Receiving Votes: "Stacy's Mom" (4), "Feelin' This", "Holidae In", "Weak & Powerless", "It's My Life"

[10] R.E.M., "Bad Day" (1)
[09] Coldplay, "Moses (live)" (NR)*
[08] Linkin Park, "Faint" (9)*
[07] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (7)
[06] Big Boi f. Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move" (6)*

[05] Michelle Branch, "Breathe" (5)*
[04] Kelis, "Milkshake" (8)**

[03] Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Fortune Faded" (NR)*

[02] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (2)

[01] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (3) [2w]

Also Dropped: "La La La (Excuse Me Again)", 10

Currently playing: Coldplay's "Warning Sign"

"It's Christmas time in Hollis, Queens/Mama's cookin' chicken and collard greens..."

1) Jessica Alba
2) 15 gig iTunes
3) Playstation 2 (hey, shut up, I was poor for 2 years)
4) a happening jersey (I assure you, you don't want me to get into The List. Something from Mitchell & Ness or Nike Rewind)
5) Family Guy DVDs (any season)
6) Simpsons, season 3
7) something for the GC I'm getting my brother
8) Jessica Alba. In fact, that's also 9 & 10.

Currently playing: the Wallflowers' "Bleeders"

"There's one thing I hate about San Diego. How can anyone be depressed? You have 70 degrees outside and 10 straight weeks with the sun. You're depressed?! Fuck you! If you're depressed here, it's your own fucking fault!"

OK, everything from my neck up is in pain. But a good--f--great kind of pain. I mean I haven't felt this good about anything in so long thinking back is making my headache.

So here you go, the review of Comedy Central Live.

First off, they decide for maximum effect they must hold this congregation in the fancy-schmaniest place in town. So you have a bunch of twentysomethings all crawling into this joint that like hosts An Evening With Graham Nash type stuff so I can hear some guy go "Of course Kobe didn't know how to rape that girl--he didn't go to college!" I asked the guy next to me "When's the Pope coming out to deliver the Mass?". THAT fancy. I mean, Roman architecture, high ceilings, chandeliers, tortured visages lining the walls!

In retrospect, I should've bought a tape recorder.

Secondly, for the first time in recorded history (hello, sarcasm, my old friend...) every single hot girl is dating some guy. Literally, it was like how I see the world anyways except magnified writ large. If I could've found a hot single girl laughing through Lewis Black's rant against the Bottled Water Conspiracy I'm pretty sure I could've found some late-night place downtown to elope with 'em. I may even be kidding.

So after a quick run to the ATM, I buy the new Lewis Black CD and the shirt (The Good--Hedberg, The Bad--Lewis, & The Fugly--Attell). Ironically enough, Black's new CD is called the End of the Universe, about the spot in Houston where there's a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks. I say that because not fifteen minutes ago I passed the end of the universe in our town, and it's the same thing. One's in a mall, and the one across the street is a drive-through. There's a pic of the Houston one on the CD. The End of the Universe is LESS THAN SIX BLOCKS FROM MY HOUSE.

The opening opening act gets out there. I've never seen him before but he does a funny Kobe riff about how Kobe raped that girl, made him kiss his dick, and made sure she spelled his name right: T I M D U N C A N. He's got to settle down the noisy jackasses in the balcony cheap seats because he's not A Name. For the first time I am not one of them. Eighth row. This stunned me. Crazy.

So, anyhow, he blows through 10 minutes (about half Kobe-related), and he's good. Then, he introduces Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch Hedberg comes out to "In Da Club". That's right, because when I think 50, I think Mitch Hedberg. For the unknowing (and shame on your monkey ass times a double)watching Mitch Hedberg's act is like watching the Big Lebowski do standup. He does the old school "Smokey is way more intense in person" and the part about knocking on the wall, and tells a joke twice. He fucks up a couple times and we all roar. He's hilarious, and his 20 blows by and I'm ready to anoint him Funniest Motherfucker Alive.

This is what Dave Attell says to that: YOINK.

The warmup act literally said about six sentences and brought out Dave Attell to Missy's "Work It". See appropriate comments above with Mitch and replace accordingly. Dave, what do you think about women having alternate ways of stimulation?

"Why are guys afraid of vibrators? Can you cuddle with a vibrator? Will a vibrator pay for your abortion? Does a vibrator come in your face and make sure you have a hot cloth to wipe it off with afterwards? No. So don't worry about it."

30 minutes of that. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner by unanimous decision and NEW Funniest Motherfu hup hup hup hup hup hup hup hup!

Wha...

Tha...

THAT'S "BACK IN BLACK"

OH, MY GOD!

LEWIS BLACK IS HERE! AND HE'S GONNA FIGHT!

Watching Lewis Black do an hour--an hour--of standup is in some way like the dreams I have about Jessica Alba come to life. He gets a semi-standing ovation and immediately freaks out.

95% new stuff too, just like Dave & Mitch. I mean, he went on a tirade on bottled water for the second half of the show. I couldn't stop laughing. I'd be laughing from one joke, then a new punchline would hit about the nutrition facts and hey since my mouth's hanging open already...

There's an Arnold rant at the end, and he's calmly going insane and bitchslapping the idiots in the balcony and he's wondering what happened to the deficit and how if you're going to fly to New Zealand for 22 hours they could at least speak a different language...you get the idea.

An hour of Lewis Black. Hey, he's the reigning stand-up comedian of the year, so, Dave, give him his belt.

"'Show your tits?' I expect that in Los Angeles. Not here in San Diego."

Yeah, I'm sorry I'm not doing this the tiniest bit of justice and I really should've snuck in a tape recorder. My fault.

So basically this ruled the free world, those commie fucks, the Taliban, the cute koala bear infestation Mitch had (way better than cockroaches), and everything ever in perpetuity throughout the universe forever and ever amen.

If you didn't know before, steal the mp3 and FIND. THE HELL. OUT! Capishe?

Currently playing: LL Cool J doing "Mama Said Knock You Out" unplugged

Yeah, Back Come The Rooster...

10 out of 11? I shit on your 10 out of 11! You know I ain't gonna dieeeeeeee...

Item the First: So, I finally got my Maxim yesterday. The December one with Shannon Elizabeth on it. That's right, I "mysteriously" got jacked out of the one with Jessica Alba and only my brilliant foresight of my shoddy cosmic punchline existence enables me to have one on the dresser right now. Oh, everyone thought I was crazy and paranoid about the mailpeople. Pfft. Crazy and paranoid LIKE A FOX! So, they're getting put on blast tomorrow. Bastids.

TWO!: Tomorrow's the big day of Attell/Black/Hedberg. Gotta send away for some Christmas presents too. And Friday I'm going to try hitting the club, spasmed back and all. You can tell you're closer to Responsible Adult when your days off are booked.

III: I actually have four consecutive days off next week, and a payday to boot. I'm gonna try and place a moratorium on self-spending starting on the 25th. While I want few things, and they're all ludicrous to the point I doubt what my parents even know what they look like (a 15 gig iPod, PS2, and the aforementioned JA chief amongst them), I don't want to buy something that close to Christmas only to open a present and be "I just bought this!" Too O. Henry for me, thanks. Outside of parties, work-related, and food, ain't no sunshine till it's on.

4) Adrienne is super-wise.

5) Whoever allowed the Shawshank Redemption DVDs to be pressed without a Freeman or Robbins commentary--why can't we have them legally killed? Hm? Anyone? Bueller?

Currently would be playing if I wasn't watching Shawshank: the Offspring's "Million Miles Away"

From The Home Office Under Tony Montana's Pile Of Cocaine

Also Receiving Votes: "Show Me Your Soul", "Moses (live)", "White Flag", "Holidae In", "It's My Life"

[10] Jay-Z, "La La La (Excuse Me Again)" (NR)*
[09] Linkin Park, "Faint" (NR)*
[08] Kelis, "Milkshake" (NR)*
[07] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (6)
[06] Big Boi f. Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move" (8)*

[05] Michelle Branch, "Breathe" (NR)*
[04] Fountains of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom" (1)

[03] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (2)

[02] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (3)

[01] R.E.M., "Bad Day" (4) [2w]

Dropped From Rankings: "So Into You", 10; "Got Some Teeth", 9; "Bigger Than My Body", 7; "Frontin'", 5

Currently playing: Stone Temple Pilots, "No Way Out"

Further Down The Spiral...

Oh, yeah, this is what's been missing from my life. My obstenible roomate has pulled out, meaning I get more family time.

In addition my dad's flying back to Pittsburgh for a sick relative and he's going to be there a whole week. This means I will be home alone for a week with my brother and mother, who after consecutive seconds in the same zip code start scuffling like someone stepped on their Pumas.

Did I mention even though I'm off Friday and getting paid to boot there will be no clubbing because I'm the only one in my circle who's in town and not beholden to their kids?

Interesting fact: whenever I groan into my hands, the sound always comes out the same.

Currently playing: John Mellencamp's "Authority Song"

Fuck The Perfect Storm, This Is The Sixth Circle Of Hell

Riddle: What goes five days on, one day off, five days on, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckingfuckityfuckmotherfuckingFUCKfuck!?

I'll give you a minute. This means not only 10 days out of 11, but 14 of the first 19, a 2.8:1 work days to not ratio (and keeping in mind I just burned four of them after the last five days straight stretch). No, I'm not trying to write a 50k novel this month, why do you ask? About the only positives I can figure out are that I'll be off the day of the Hedberg-Attell-Black TripleMania of comedy and the day after, and that my last two checks heading into Christmas will have 54 and 60.5 hours respectively on them.

But Jesus, Felipe, and Matty Alou, the road is going to suck like Christina Aguilera on a Navy battle cruiser.

*sigh* Time for dinner.

Currently playing: Beastie Boys' "Super Disco Breakin'"

Fuckin' A

Fuckin' A

On the one hand, my plans tonight got severely derailed and then rederailed. On the other hand I GOT 10,00 DOWN BIOTCHES!.

Assuming I don't get stupid, go back and reread everything and then purge it, that makes me roughly just the last couple days I slacked off behind. I think I'm gonna work on it as much as I can tomorrow assuming my friends don't talk me into doing something to make up for tonight. The new goal to be on schedule is 16,750 as my head hits the pillow early Tuesday morning. It's still definitely doable and I'm just sort of joyous I got to 10k and didn't puss out.

Go me, it's my birthday, and so forth.

Currently playing: Kenny Wayne Shepherd's "Blue On Black"

Ayuda, Por Favor

If you were a reporter at the press conference announcing Jesus' return to Earth, what sort of questions would you have for Him?

Answer below.

Currently playing: Dre & Snoop's "Dre Day"

Going Out With Style

I [heart] the American Association of Blood Banks. A2B2, big ups. What else can I say after a six-hour coat check shift where I made $16 in tips?! Oh, if they weren't so ugly I'd kiss them on the mouth. 16 in TIPS, for chrissakes! Can I get a witness?!

Anyway, going to watch 24, slack off, and back to work on the novel. It's right on time, and the goal is to spend the next four days off working on it when inspiration hits. 17K BY SUNDAY!

More to come as developments warrant, but you knew that already.

Currently playing: Eminem, Obie Trice & DMX's "Go To Sleep"

From The Home Office In THE DIRTY SOUTH, BITCH

[10] Fabolous f. Tamia, "So Into You" (10)
[09] Obie Trice, "Got Some Teeth (My Favorite Song)" (5)
[08] Big Boi f. Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move" (N)*
[07] John Mayer, "Bigger Than My Body" (9)*
[06] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (7)*

[05] Pharrell f. Jay-Z, "Frontin'" (8)**
[04] R.E.M., "Bad Day" (4)*

[03] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (1)

[02] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (3)*

[01] Fountains of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom" (2) [12w]

Currently playing: Hayseed Dixie's country-fried cover of "Back In Black"

For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Quinn...

WORK: Good today. Breaker = fun. Got to watch a lot of football, mostly the Niners actually showing up vs. the Rams and the back and forth between Minnesota and Green Bay.

SOCIAL LIFE: Didn't go out last night, sleepy. Later this week.

JERSEYS: Got a white Jerry West West Virginia for half of retail. I love you, eBay.

ZE NOVEL: Almost 5K down. Right on pace after all 48 hours. Cross your fingers.

BACK: Spasming. Bah!

Currently playing: Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise's "Once Upon A Time"

In For A Day, In For A Month

Well, work has been HIGHLY annoying. Five day straight chunks, boring days--days so boring I can't even inspire myself to write all the prOn I'm behind on because I keep trying to ignore the sound of my eyeballs trying to escape my brain it's so boring. (The sound is a low screech.)

So, instead, in my free time this month (getting increasingly rarer), I'm going to write my novel Jesus Smirked.

No, really.

50,000 words. 30 days. Stay healthy. Get ready.

And now for the sales pitch: you watch me suffer here all the time! Why not suffer WITH me? We're not all trying to make a Shakespeare play or the screenplay for Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back; just trying to hit 50k in 30 days and prove that if only for a little while, if only in a little circle of relative anonymity, we're fucking AUTHORS, baybay.

So what say you?

As some wise students of the human condition put it last year: ooh oooooh ooh are you in?

Currently playing: (I couldn't make this up if I tried) Everclear's "You Make Me Feel Like A Whore"

Mental Wounds Not Healing/Life's A Bitter Shame...

Just how fucked up AM I?!

Paranoid: VERY high
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: VERY high (Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.)
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcisstic: VERY high (I know, Butch Rosser is shocked a test would depict Butch Rosser this way when the reality is, Butch Rosser is just a high-quality person who people should be more like.)
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-compulsive: Moderate

Currently playing: : System of a Down's "Aerials"

Hope I Die Before I Get Old

Because of the stupid fires, my mother got another day off. (And tomorrow too as I wrote this, despite other people at her work going back. GHM.) And apparently once you hit her age, day off means do every single chore possible before your back gives out. So I ended up doing pretty much every piece of laundry in the house that wasn't a sock.

In addition to the fires taking today away from me, I wonder how the local channel is going to handle 24 tonight, as it's been pretty much wall-to-wire Firestorm coverage. It's lessened today, but if they don't show it I'll watch the end of Joe Schmo the first time it's on. Damn parents. Fucking fires. I was going to spend today buying batteries and finally watching Scarface and/or seeing Kill Bill v1 #4, but noooooooooooooo. Of course I'm working six of the next seven days on top of matters. The point of the story is: my life is a relentless steel toed kick in the crotch.

Under the into-every-rain-a-little-life-fall Dept, I bought the new R.E.M. Greatest Hits, which is the first CD I've ever bought that I actually like every song on the record. Bought the Essential Clash, pretty much for the second disk. Lookit this Murderers Row: London Calling, the Guns of Brixton, Clampdown, Rudie Can't Fail, Lost In the Supermarket, Train In Vain, Police On My Back, This Is Radio Clash, Ghetto Defendant, Rock The Casbah, Straight To Hell, and Should I Stay Or Should I Go? By the way, that's a partial listing of one of the two CD set. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE. Finally, I got the best steel cages DVD from the WWE which is apparently like five hours of violent goodness, including some AWA/WCW footage. Whenver the hell I actually get some time by myself and the DVD player I'll pop it in.

Oh, and my back is spasming again. B-e-a-uuuuuuuuuuuutiful.

Currently playing: the eels covering "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" live

Oh, So You HAVE Recognized? No Need For Me To Tell You You Betta, Then...

(San Diego, CA) -- The San Diego Convention Center has much to be proud of today. It is being recognized by "Trade Show Week" magazine for having the "Best Staff" out of 375 meeting venues nationwide. The magazine noted the staff's friendliness and the white-gloved attendants, who welcome every visitor with a smile and open door. "Trade Show Week" is one of the industry's leading publications. The Convention Center recently received similar honors from two other magazines.

Currently playing: Cake's "Comfort Eagle"

Oh, By The Way: YOU'RE WELCOME!

Well, work blew, otherwise it wouldn't be called work, right? So I am planning on using these next two days off commiting myself to holistic healing vis a vis watching Kill Bill for a 4th time, drinking a beer or 8, and now that I've purchased it, frenetic near-psychotic worshipping of the Holy Bib--er, Maxim with Alba.

Catching up on stuff I've missed during the last little bit, and in Monday's Currents section not only was there a cartoon that had the sticker "Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Coleman" but the resident TVaphile made a list of things she would recall (and yes, Fat Chin Who Couldn't Carry Letterman's Jock With A Forklift was on there).

Sound familiar, dear reader?

All right, back to things that matter. Sweet, sweet Jess. I've missed you so...

Currently playing: Shakira's "Whenever, Wherever"

From The Home Office In Medicine Hat...

[10] Fabolous f. Tamia, "So Into You" (6)
[09] John Mayer, "Bigger Than My Body" (7)
[08] Pharrell f. Jay-Z, "Frontin'" (N)
[07] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (9)
[06] Audioslave, "Show Me How To Live" (3)

[05] Obie Trice, "Got Some Teeth (My Favorite Song)" (4)
[04] R.E.M., "P.S.A. (Bad Day)" (N)

[03] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (5)

[02] Fountains Of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom" (1)

[01] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (2)

Currently playing: Smashing Pumpkins' "Bullet With Butterfly Wings"

It's The Little Differences

Watching the now ubiquitous on ASCTR KBv1 again, and now again, you pick up a lot of little things. Bride's heart monitor at 69, how the reveal shot in the opening fight is done, how connected O-Ren & her girls are to their femininity (flowers on the sword sheathes, man), the first two times the Bride has her hands out and so on. Just feenomenal.

SEGUE!

I have now seen the Alba Maxim shoot for this upcoming month.

If my arms, wrists, and fingers ever recover, they're suing Maxim for massive paralyzing damage. I mean, I love JA like a fat kid loves cake and all, but these photos are hot. Like two t hott. Like a Mexican plate lunch hot. Like Vegas in July without the shade hot. Like you could fry an egg on my groin hot.

I plan on picking up a few extra copies because my room needs a new ceiling. I can grow my own "stalagtites".

Now, where'd that empty-two liter go? I'm about to become a millionaire.

Currently playing: Metallica's "Frantic"

It's All 'Cause I Wished Tarantino Good Luck On His Way Out Of Comic-Con...

Saw it again today. You know how sometimes you see a movie and you think it's good but then the second time you see it it's lost a lot of the shine?

Oh, not this movie.

The bomb-ass song playing O-Ren and the 88s to Charlie Brown's V.I.P. suite is Hotei Tomayusu's "Battle Without Honor Or Humanity", appropriately enough. I wish this was screaming out of a boombox any time I walked anywhere cool. Or anywhere at all for that matter.

Might go see it again tomorrow--I know I'm allegedly on with Amanda for seeing it Monday night after work.

When I wake up I can go cash my pissant check. Hoorah.

Check The Subtitle Up Top!

I believe I'll be rotating KBv1 quotes for a while. Suggestions welcome but may not work due to spacing.

We'll see how far it goes before you see ASCTRv2: The President Has To Die NOW. :)

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY FUCK.

Well, I do believe Kill Bill was about as awesome as awesome gets, yes I do. I mean godDAMN! Talking 'bout "When you grow up, if you're still raw about it, I'll be waiting" and "AND I WOULD BE THE EMPEROR NOW GET SOME DAMN SAKE!" and bye-bye legs and bye-bye arms and bye-bye head and the Pussy Wagon and "That really was a Hattori Hanzo sword" and MOTHER. FUCKING. GO-GO and and and just go fucking see it. Again, if applicable.

I mean GodDAAAAAAMN talking about...

Another One Of Those...

This will not help the back spasming.

Another 2.5 hours of dancing (well, I had to work off the two hours in Hooters and the near-epilieptic/orgasmic seizure(s) it/they sent me into) and pretty girls bumping and grinding against me. *sigh* How long does a hot chick's ass go against your groin before you can claim it as a dependent on next year's taxes?

Johnny sucks off Hasselbeck while Rich films it in the corner with the hand he's not spanking off with.

Copyrighting This T-Shirt Idea Too

Our Governor Can Go Back Through Time To Change The Future To Make It So That Your Governor Wasn't Even Born AND/OR Kick His/Her Ass

Crossing The Bridge Before You Come To It

Yes, I live in California. Yes, our new governor can go back through history to kick your governor's ass before he was even born. Yes, the majority of voters are probably insane. Either that or a bunch of people heard "Jingle All The Way 2004" was coming or something.

But here's the thing, from where this Oklahoma Sooner sits, hosses: I don't really care. At least not yet. As long as I have a job, and aren't getting hassled too hard for my beliefs or apathy towards most things, I'm probably not going to care. The state, from what little bits I've gleamed from the sugar packets, is fucked regardless for a while. So if we must go down, let us go down in an entertaining manner.

Besides, he's just using the plan I want to use when I make my run in a few years: be charismatic, grope a lotta bitches, and surround yourselves with people who know what they're doing. Governor's essentially figurehead anyways. So huzzah for the Governator.

I wonder if it's too late for me to put a patent down on "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Flynt" t-shirts and stickers?

Hmmm...

From The Home Office In Keokuk...

[10] Beyonce f. Jay-Z, "Crazy In Love"
[09] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"
[08] Busta f. Pharrell, "Light Your Ass On Fire"
[07] John Mayer, "Bigger Than My Body"
[06] Fabolous f. Tamia, "So Into You"

[05] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya"
[04] Obie Trice, "Got Some Teeth (My Favorite Song)"

[03] Audioslave, "Show Me How To Live"

[02] Ludacris, "Stand Up"

[01] Fountains Of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom"

You've GOT To Fight Your Weight Class

So HERE'S a story.

I get a call from the freeway in the middle of the afternoon and a voice says "That's how we do things in Orange County!"

Nate. Yes, he of the Liz story Nate. They're coming to town. Do I have plans? Nah. So we end up hanging out. We watch "Blazing Saddles" and then it's up to Pacific Beach.

Friday night in PB is pretty much one of the places to be in town, and we hit up a billiard hall. We couldn't get a table with a working light overhead and considering it was about 10 we decided to book. We went to the PB Bar & Grill, my favorite place to dance in town (there's a dance floor behind the bar and patio and pool tables and whatnot). Eventually we get in and after a few drinks more we get towards the floor. It takes a little goading from Nate (who it turns out has broken up with Liz, go figure). I start dancing for an hour in my pimped out discoesque shirt and he, I and Amanda were all going pretty strong.

After an hour, the heat's getting to us and we decide to break. And as I go to catch a break because I am sweating off about 3% of my body weight, two things happen: a) another song I want to get down to...there were a lot...I want to say "Pump It Up" starts and 2) this complete dime who looks like Rose McGowan brunette walks right past me. So the plan changes: THEY get to leave. I got some tuna to fish for. Butter my balls and call me a cookie sheet, she's wearing this white tank top and this little beige skirt and it's like a shopping mall parking space that gets vacated Christmas Eve. Gotta keep away the rest and park in there.

I am, if not always good per se, a dedicated dancer. I have literally gone 90 minutes after friends have crapped out, at PBB&G in fact. And here is what happened when I got behind her two songs later after a brief look on her part to see what she was about to get into: she totally, completely, wore my ass O U T. Never happened before, but she was just something I write about instead of something that actually happens to me. And that whole thing for 20 minutes where she made her ass an extension of my groin...*deep breath* lordamercy.

The double mattress is calling and I need to pick up. Night.

CHRIST.

"Starbucks COFFEE?", You Have Been Replaced

So the last two days have been hassle-ridden, but not enough for me to blow up. And I'm working the next 3 days (added a short run Monday because the week after is so piss-poor I'm gonna end up with a WHOLE F'N WEEK off). And today was Boring with a capital English movie.

But on the way out.

Me & Ben are clocking out early because the home show is such a bomb scare, so as we head out suddenly this hot blonde pops up Oliver Sudden and starts talking about Vegas and four days free if we go to this spa and whatnot. I was prepared to Chris Rock yes-no-really-get outta here-I don't believe it-I tol you that bitch crazy my way through because she's hot and all. She finds out he's 19, and I'm 24. Suddenly the focus shifts to me.

Now imagine the glory days of the 80s, and more specifically the best game show in the history of existence Press Your Luck. Imagine I have 7 turns.

Her: "You married?"

Me: "No."

($4,000 and a spin. $2,000. trip to Cancun.)

Her: "You DATING anybody?"

($5,000 and a spin. Everyone in the free world is yelling PASS. Fuck em. NOWHAMMYNOWHAMMYBIGMONEYC'MONSTOP $500.)

Me (slightly befuddled): "Nooo..."

[Is it the goofy-ass nautical uniforms? We all seem to hate them and yet people who DON'T have to wear them for a living love the things; maybe the combination of my baby face and the uni has set off an alarm in her heart that must be obeyed lest she miss out on true love. Or a five-hour romp through a sexual playground that was once just rumor. Either/or.]

And then, like that, the BRAND NEW LINE OF THE YEAR.

"Do you make more than $100,000 a year before taxes?"

In retrospect, I should've lied.

"No."

(AND IT'S A WHAAAAAAAAAAAAMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.)

And the wheels come off the bread truck and there went Vegas and there went the blonde. *sigh* I can't believe I came up with the "Dammit, prom night flashback! (longtime BR fans will know why THAT'S fucking hilarious)" line comeback that fast. Everyone at work heard the story, because dammit, that was some comedy. The guys wery very commiserative and it wasn't until the second time I asked for my $100,000 raise my boss laughed, so you never know.

THIS Is What I Do With My Days Off.

Since the template change killed the old CILF list. I should really geek out like Feely and have a college footballian weekly top 25. I still might.

10 Michelle Branch (new)
09 Summer Altice (up)
08 Ana Beatriz Barros (new)
07 Anna Kournikova (down)
06 Christina Aguilera (up)
05 Alyson Hannigan (up)
04 Eliza Dushku (up)
03 Jennifer Love Hewitt (steady)
02 Trish Stratus (steady)
01 Jessica Alba (steady)

That's How We Do Things In San Diego County

Went out late.
Had pizza.
Went to local bar.
Ran into hot girls from high school.
Drank.
Pool.
Vomit. (Beers clashed.)
New beer.
Went out into the countryside.
Immigration ruined the spot I was going to expand my mind in.

Ah, well.

Welcome to the Jungle, It Gets Worse Here Every Day

All my teams lost. Ben & J.Lo broke up. What is there left for me to believe in besides payday?

Getting A Last Piece Of The Action, Making The Scene, And Other Things This Heathen Did Sunday That Didn't Involve Football

IN: Loose morals
OUT: Bible thumpers
IN: Skateboards
OUT: Canes
IN: Tight pants
OUT: Panties
VERY IN: Panties out of tight pants
IN: Black
OUT: Bright colors less pink on girls
IN: Mesh hats
IN: Girls you want to take over the kitchen counter
OUT: Girls you want to take home to Mom
IN: Self-promotion
OUT: Dignity
IN: Stickers
OUT: $20 per removal
IN: Starbucks
OUT: Starbucks. (It's like the ElimiDate of franchises. You know you shouldn't, but every day at the same time, you think to yourself, well, what the hell.)
IN: ex-Juggy twins
OUT: Coors twins
IN: Matching outfits
IN: Matching outfits
IN: For real, nigga, matching outfits
IN: Free panties
OUT: Free blowjobs, no matter how fast a spin you put on it
VERY IN: The idea of going from hot girl to hot girl seeing who fits the panties, and making her queen. I almost wrote down cream! Why IS that?
ALWAYS IN: hot girls giving me free shirts my size. BUJ WAH.
IN: for their return in January
OUT: most of the boring-ass conferences before then.

Huzzah, Action Sports.

So right after work I cross the street and hit the big music festival/street fair/psuedo-hippie collective. Catch the tail end of Macy Gray. She was cool, good cover of "Come Together". Ran into Jessica, late of DustinandJessica from the Liz Story or the Spring Break story for the first time in years. People used to exchange phone numbers: she got my AIM, e-m, and THIS joint, and I her e-m. That provides a good segue since I ran two blocks from Gray to catch Bad Religion, who DID NOT PLAY "21st Century Digital Boy". Bastids. Anyway, it was pretty fun watching the mosh pit and being the only black guy there until "Stranger Than Fiction". I'm still trying to figure out how there were so many hot chicks at Bad Freaking Religion; this blonde in front of me looked exactly like Buffy Summers. And no, I didn't mean to say Sarah Michelle Gellar there: BUFFY.

But those were merely the side dishes I plowed through in order to devour the porterhouse: my favorite band in the world (again, now that tATu has sadly broken up), R.E.M. Setlist for fellow diStiples:

Finest Worksong
What's the Frequency, Kenneth?
Drive
Animal (new; about a 7, "Ticket To Ride"ish)
The Great Beyond *--NEVER thought they'd play this but huzzah to them for doing so
Honorable
Bad Day (new; 9, Anti Bush II, repeats "tired of being jerked around"...of course, the Kindler/Leno-Letterman Theory...)
The One I Love (and people WEREN'T kissing! I feel ripped off.)
Daysleeper*
Driver 8

Orange Crush
[stumped! curses]
Losing My Religion (the big en-masse singalong of the night)
Find The River
Electrolite*
She Just Wants
Walk Unafraid
Man On The Moon

The Entirely Surprising OK Not Really Encore
Everybody Hurts
Imitation Of Life
Nightswimming
Get Up-->It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

1a concert (P-Funk, four hours, the cops shut it down.) Happy Robotolla talked me into flying solo to go. Now to catch the Prahm Tahm rerun since I got off work early.

The Short And Hot Of It

Well, I got shoved upstairs where nothing was happening so hiss. But on my slow walk out of the building that just happened to have a trade show in it, I literally almost plowed over Wee Man and then made small talk with the Costello Twins, fresh off a few years on the Man Show. And some girls were handing out stuff (because that's why all the hot girls are here; like you let the public in on THIS) and I got a pair of panties. Dammit, I wanted the SHIRT that said Made In Hollywood. Or the girls handing out the panties IN said panties. But beggers and blah blah blah. Got a No Ma'am shirt too.

Heavy lifting starts tomorrow. Maybe I'll have a good come on line for the twins by then.

Here Is Something You CAN Understand

Today, in a word, rocked.

Two words: FUCKING rocked.

Three: REALLY fucking rocked.

You gets the point.

The convention this weekend is all sports stuff. I worked coat check and not only did I get to sit down away from the sunlight, but these people lean on the tips. And and and the place looks like a quarter-mile-long Diddy video; I think I fell in lust roughly 132 times today.

And THEN after my shift I got to cash my check.

And I'm going back into that seedy mob tomorrow.

I'm a fortunate one.

Here Is Something You Can't Understand...

How bad was it today? How bad did it go today?

If it went worse, I'd have to be fined $160 and cockblocked from meeting Eliza Dushku.

THAT. BAD.

So horrible before I could reach for "Serve The Servants", Renegades, and the Marshall Mathers, the first lyrics in my head were Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit.

THAT.

BAD.

Now, an hour by hour breakdown of this fucking shit.

Oh, I should add in the kicker: running to catch the bus after getting up at 4:45 (sadly, that's something like sleeping in), I inadvertently swallowed some mouthwash, giving me a headache persisting to this update. AND I'm getting a cold.

7:00 am: 2 sanctimonious assholes. (Sanctimonious assholes, for the sake of this particular convo, will be like the people I described with such affection yesterday.)

8:00 am: 1 sanctimonious, balanced by four hot CILF's. (Replace Churchies where Mothers goes. One looked like Jessica Alba and was wearing this white dress--really something. Yet too angry to obsess. THAT. Angry.)

9:00-10:33: Waking sleep.

10:34 am: Wonder if that's all there is.

10:35-11:45: Escort crying, mildly hysterical woman to elevator. Find out mildly hysterical woman is fucking crazy, and is suffering a repeat of a panic attack from last night. Will freak out if the cops are called and wants to get to County Medical Health, which may or may not be open. Spend hour making sure she doesn't hurt herself or others before she's released. And, of course, in the next five minutes after...sanctimonious asshole. Actually, a family of four who jumped the stiles to a closed escaltor instead of walking 20 feet to the working ones. Way to be Christian. And not the good Intercontinental Champion one either.

Noon: Lunch! Hooray lunch! New schedule! FUCK YOU new schedule!

Saturday, 6th--8 am, 1 pm
Sunday, 7th, Opening Day--8 am, 5 pm
Monday, 8th, 6 am, 2:30 pm
Tuesday, 9th, Monday again

This means I'm working 70% of the next 10 days. That number should be worse, because one of those days is Labor Day and the other is the day after; essentially, I have Thursday off for the next week and a half, gettting up early every single fucking day, and of course, missing football. And five straight days, too. What was my point? Oh, yes: FUCK YOU new schedule!

1 pm: Now shit really hits the fan. Seriously. The first session/sermon/whatever started at 8, is supposed to end back at noon. Only he's busy healing the sick and blinding the guilty or something because before 1:05 even hits, about 3,000 Bible thumpers stream out of the ballroom in front of me and hit the escalators. Mild traffic problems for a while due to the density, but it flows pretty well. Wish I could've made it easier, but people are busy talking to each other and being lazy and taking the closest and so on. And I'm thinking "well, they've screwed me out of my second break for the second straight day", and I go to see if I can catch the scheduler before she ducks out to give her a piece of my mind and to see what's going on session-wise. Gone. There was supposed to be a new one at 1:30 but it's practically that now, and if I can find out if it's been moved to 2:30, 3, 4, or cancelled, while I don't care will help people out, which is what I do. I go in to use the phone and ask someone, but before I do Alicia's calling me. This makes no sense, Jeff is breaking me. She says I'm where you're supposed to be, where are you? I say I'm in the ballroom and will be out in five seconds. Get there. She gives me a little speech about how I'm supposed to be superglued to the spot and I pretty much blow it off because if I can go 40 more minutes without slapping someone I'll be free for a few hours. [Addendum: didn't think I was getting a second break due to the lateness of the shift, and having a 15-minute break with 40 minutes left in your shift is so far beyond ridiculous....] Get back to base. One of the supervisors wants to see me, and I haven't seen him probably all month.

Why wasn't I where I was supposed to be?

Alicia, who is 60 and the World's Greatest Drama Queen, who uses most of her time to socialize, who flipped out at the National University tickettaking and left me running it at all of ELEVEN DAYS EMPLOYMENT, has fucking narced me for being five seconds away and doing my job.

There are no words. Plenty of expletives. Visions of me jamming her arthritic knee into her skull so hard the last thing she tastes is her own prune urine and her last action is her shitting herself before a grand mal seizure followed by me kicking the corppse and yelling "WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?" for a half hour dance through my head as I explain the following to my boss:

--the lateness of the first sermon affecting the possibility of the second
--the wedding BEHIND the holy shit that's going on in a few hours that's being setup, with wedding people and setup guys running around
--the fact that 10 different parishoners went out on the Terrace to see Coronado and managed to lock themselves out yesterday, and I know because I had to let 8 of them back in

So I get some sturm und drang about how it's good I'm proactive (BUZZWORD!) and looking ahead but me being "out of position" was going to get me a verbal warning. To quote Sonny Liston, I never expected to be treated like no hero but I damn sure didn't expect to get treated like no damn sewer rat. Did I mention this is happening for half of my pissant way-too-late break? Yes?

I get back and somehow don't throttle her ass, and get by the last 20 minutes. So now, I'm going to finish up looking through Delphi, then since the sleep-in-until-11-go-to-LA family is gone I'm going to the store and buy a Heineken and watch 8 Mile. And if that doesn't do it, I'm moving onto Animal House.

Fuck.

I'm A Very Cheap Whore, I Come To Find Out

Ugh. Today & tomorrow I'm working some Jesus freak thing, and Sunday's ticketaking for the Quilt Show.

You can reread that if you'd like.

Today S U C K E D. People who answer "Good morning" with "Praise him" need to beaten in the face. And answering it with "Bless you" when I haven't sneezed in 4 days makes me want to drive my radio through your skull. OH and I got this one bitch who was complaining of jet lag with her heart problem that she couldn't walk all the way next door to the Marriott. The amount of time she spent complaining she could've gone there and back AND there AND BACK. I was moments away from doing a simaltaneous Lewis Black & Ike Turner on her, I can tell you. "*SMACK* *SMACK* Shut UP, bitch! You're tired? There's a corner with some shade, lie down until you get the strength to walk all the way NEXT FUCKING DOOR! Put your head on the floor--put your HEAD ON THE FLOOR!"

And of course second wave was late so I barely clocked out on time. If I get stinking drunk Monday (odds are good) today will be the reason why. And I get to do it again tomorrow.

Why didn't I go on unemployment?

It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one. (High Infidelity, Coldplay, and Things Vaguely Resembling Chemistry)

Longtime readers of ASCTR (all 21 of you?) remember back on the Fourth I had a story to tell, but due to a hard day's work I was in no mood to tell it. Another hard day's work today, but thanks to the new Coldplay song I'm downwiring to my brain (so I can push out something like, say, people's names) and where I worked today, I want to tell it.

It'll be better for me if I do; this is like an electronic couch and this my therapy if not my catharsis. And yeah, I'm waiving the Dragnet waiver because this is autobiographical after all; I expect you to roll with me now you should have some idea of where I've been. Also, I've come to the conclusion that the three biggest heartbreaks of my life don't really have a 1-2-3 as much as a 1a-1b-1c. They all hurt in different ways.

This is one of those stories. Let me fire up the Coldplay.

A warning sign
I missed the good part, and I realized...

Also, in addition, I've shoved us in the Wayback Machine and propelled us backwards through history to late March of 2001. Hope you didn't have anything key going on in the present.

Me? I was slowly, s l o w l y flunking out of America's #1 party school. However, I didn't know that, so I went on Spring Break. With me went Dustin and Amanda who you all know and love from the wedding story. Dustin brought his (now ex-)girl Jessica, and more pivotal to the story Amanda brought her friends from Berkeley: Hannah, Bill, and Liz.

Bill? Great guy, snores of a new guy in hell being prodded by a cactus. Hannah, pretty girl, funny, and yet right between my brunettes rule the school phases.

Well, you don't have to be Lanny "The Genius" Poffo to know in which way the wind is a-blowin. Elizabeth McMunn. In the olden times they would've called her pixieish, and she had the smile to go with it. And yet beneath the innocence of the surface, you could almost see gears working in concert to produce evil--not just produce it, but how to use that smile to get away with it. Yeah, I think it's safe to say I liked ol' Liz right from the start.

But before that went any further, it was still Spring Break. And so I drank my body weight in Corona, matched it with lobster, put on the Rey Rey mask now in the home of Roberto Harris and the pimp hat lost on the streets of Berkeley and got down OLD SCHOOL. And yet, despite (because of?) all that, I was able to make myself happy very simply: I set up and played an intricate April Fool's Day joke on Hannah in which I told her on the last day of the vacation that I had fallen for her despite the fact she had a boyfriend. We all laughed. It was funny, and I had no problem dropping the curtain to reveal the little things I'd done along the way.

Our laughter filled the air. Hannah went goodbye, and Liz began asking me more questions about how I'd done it: how'd you act when X? Was there body language? So, to test her, I started a fake argument (which she helped out in, given time). She knew the darkest secrets in my own evil Inside the Actor's Studio.

*sigh* Yeah, I think it's safe to say I liked ol' Liz right from the start. And yet.

Someone...some force, somewhere...I'll call it JesusWhitey since that's who I blame when things hit the crapper...was very much NOT laughing.

At least not yet.

I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses...

Panel recognizes the freak in the third row waving BOTH his hands what is WRONG with you?

"But, Butch, you talked about Hannah a lot there, I guess because her having the boyfriend set up the joke, but what about Liz?"

All right, siddown. She was single. I wasn't sure if I was into her into her or not; a brief quasi-stalking of a track star I was covering for the paper muddied up that water. But, in an attempt to find out I got her AIMSN. She'd be up late in Berkeley and I'd be up late because when you're flunking out you sort of let other things like punctuality hit the floor too, and we'd have some late-night chats. The track star thing fizzled out (boyfriend--how DO they do it, I ask?) and I was especially sure after some more talking there was a possibility of a future there. It'd been roughly a year since my last heart smashing (though in lieu with the two that were to come THAT one looks more and more every day like a mere love tap to the ribs with a Buick), and I was a bit hesitant in my steps. Not that my steps are that confident around girls to begin with, but especially then. IRREGARDLESS!

Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

So after a while, I found out Liz would be coming to San Diego for the summer. Beautiful. I didn't want to ask her out over AIM, and I didn't want to phone--how would I date? So, she'd be here in June...April now...and like the five richest kings of Europe I'd bide my time and polish up the asking. You know, make sure it was infallible and cute and shit.

A beef with hot girls, other than they won't have anything to do with me on account of the face: inevitably they make me forget that my asshole is merely a waiting receptacle for the universe's 56-foot dick.

Because what happened between April and June was April 20th. 4.20.

Namely, she found a boyfriend. And, oh, because this is my life and JW will screw with it as he pleases, let's make him a likeable guy I made friends with in the winter break of 2000. It'll be grrrrrrreat!

I still have nothing bad to say about Nate. He's got a sharp sense of humor, enjoys a lot of the same things I do. And he also made me insane with anger when Amanda and Liz got back to town a few short days after Round 1 at San Diego State had been deemed a TKO by The Man.

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so

A warning sign
It came back to haunt me, and I realised
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover

Ah, I grew up in the ghetto, so I think that's to blame. Because if I'd known anything about real estate, I would've learned rule #1: Location. LOCATION. LOCATION. It was all proximity, and me in my little bubble were well and truly screwed.

Despite that, my friends are my friends, and so without Nate around for the summer we ended up hanging out a lot. I had summer school but head going more over heels in addition to the feeling I had just flunked out of a party state school and was going to have to deal with my angry mother I pretty much blew it off at every opportunity. And a couple of you taking your finals at Bovine University might be surprised to learn that time that I should've been spending in class or running to somewhere safe like Sarajevo was being spent with Amanda, and by proxy at that point, Liz. Movies practically every day, phone and/or AIM when that wasn't happening, weekend parties, bonfires, and so on and so on and la da di dah, we get to the Fourth.

Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

And suddenly, I saw myself for what I truly was: an evil, despotic bastard.

For this was the first time I found myself enthralled with a friend's significant other.

And the answer that came screaming back at me from every corner of my mind was SCREW. HIM. It's horrible for me to admit, but the truth usually is, and Nate, sorry if you're reading this after the fact. That's just where my head was.

And on the fourth of July, the lot of us who went to Spring Break together ended up going to Coronado together, sans Bill. Coronado's an extremely ritzy part of town where we have our annual bonfires. You may have also heard of the Hotel del Coronado being stayed at by this president or that one, and that should give you an idea of what I mean when I say ritzy. I was singing "Yellow" (ah HA) which was a favorite of both of us by then as we made our way to the end of the island to watch the fireworks in the harbor. Now, I work on the other side of it. But that night, you got to see the Coronado Bridge and the downtown skyline illuminated with fireworks for about 30 minutes straight, and holy god was it awesome. We all sat there in a modified huddle at the water's edge looking up. I was sitting right next to her. Some part of me somewhere is still about one word away from leaning over and kissing her, and wouldn't that be a frightening alternate universe for some of us?

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so...

She went back to Berkeley. The last day of August, I followed. Just packed up everything I wanted, tossed the rest, took all the money I'd saved, and got up there. I had to say something. I didn't know WHAT it was going to be per se, but I needed away to follow this thing through to completion. If there was a chance of happiness there, no matter how unseemly it felt to me at times, it was worth pursuing.

And so while I ruminated on that, I stayed with my friend we'll call Hurricane in San Jose. I'd figured out what I was going to say, and to my consternation found a lot of it echoing, if not verbatim, some of the things I'd said to Hannah in my April Fools speech. But I watched Clerks, and I went to bed, and in the morning I'd head back up and throw my heart out there.

As I went to sleep, it was 5 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.

The day was September 11th, 2001.

I still don't remember that much about most of the day other than withdrawing my remaining funds from the bank in case it was going to have to be closed long-term and just watching the news. Didn't make sense. You go to sleep, there are Twin Towers, you wake up, there are corpses. Just didn't connect.

Liz didn't see the Towers go down until the 11:00 news that night. I'd sort of gotten burned out on the horrific footage and was sitting in the next room talking to friends trying to figure it out; the same friends who were trying to desperately fend off my mother in her search for me. I heard it again, and I heard a horrified gasp as she saw it, and then she began crying. Right into Nate's arms.

And if you slow down the tape, you can pin-point the exact second where my heart breaks in half. Again. 4 years since the last one, but if you think that makes it hurt less you can get the graduate Bovine U. degree. I felt this whirl of conflicting emotions I was not prepared to deal with. I felt like an asshole for even coming. I felt like joining the Reserves and laying down a symphony with my fists on Osama's face myself because pissing me off was all right but driving her to tears wasn't. I felt like even more like an asshole for trying to take her from a friend when all seemed well between them. And I felt lost. It'd SEEMED like I was doing the right thing 24 hours ago. The terrorists were thinking the same on a far more fiendish colossal level. I sat in the room next door, slowly drinking port wine, and coming apart.

Let this be a lesson to you who've been lulled in my culling song by the Simpsons quotes and witty banter. I, too, am a fuckhead.

That was pretty much the end of that. Once things settled down, I came back to this, and Liz & Nate continued to go down the road of bliss together, and I still flick off 9/11 footage in any shape, way, or form whenever it comes on.

Not proud of these things, but these things are the bricks in my wall.

The more astute Coldplay completists of you will notice I left the final six lines off the song. Make of that what you will. But there was something about me being half-asleep yesterday and hearing this song for the first time as I nodded off, coupled with working a dock supervision that let me look at Coronado all day...this story was coming out sooner or later. It's not even that I want to get together with Liz anymore, as her and Nate are due to get married any second now, metaphorically. This is just what I felt when I felt it.

And like most things I feel, now that I'm done with it, I'm done.