2003
Patience, Monty. Climb the ladder.

I'm on my way
I don't know where I'm going
I'm on my way
I'm taking my time but I don't know where

Well, this marks the second straight year that wasn't the worst of my life. I'm going to be cheeky and constitute that as being on a roll.

Of course it could've gone better, I could've gotten that apartment and a girl could've the building block I would've built my life around, but we all know the latter's never ever going to happen and I'll have to shoot Bush to get Alba's attention, so...

I really thought I'd hit the wall this year. My friends were quite horrified when I celebrated my 24th birthday alone, presentless, and with a message that merely contained the lyrics to "You Know You're Right".

I had no motivation to do much of anything, and it showed. I finally got a job in June, and that seemed to reinforce my lack of motivation. I'm just kidding. In reality, as much as I despise it sometimes, it was pretty much the kick in the ass I desperately needed to not grow roots to the floor in my room. I got to do a bunch of stuff that'd always sounded cool but never done for one reason or another. Got to see the Black-Attell-Hedberg comedy show, which not only hurt the hell out of my face but also made sure I never looked at egg nog the same way again. I got to see my first wrestling show and even though Brock went over Rey he should've and the match was good. Plus I advanced to Thuganomics 151. *double horns* I got to see R.E.M. live which I only assumed would happen when I got famous and they were playing out the string. And I got to get down on the dance floor.

It is for all those reasons and cosmic justice that I would like to, in advance, declare 2004 my bitch and defy it to prove me wrong. Apartment. Woman. Frightening amount of joy. Book it.

And have a Happy New Year.

RoSserPW II: The Fellowship of the Smarks

Best Move
2) S.A.T.'s Spanish Fly
1) Victoria's Widow's Peak
--> Double backflip off the top into a double Rock Bottom/uranage. The degree of difficulty alone demands respect, not to mention it looks awesome. Speaking of which, while Jazz has more of them, Victoria's finisher is the shit. Not just the most awesome period, but awesome period and has to be mentioned in the same sentence as the F5, Stunner, Pedigree et al.

Best Match
2) Jericho/Michaels, WrestleMania XIX
1) Benoit/Angle, WWE Title @ Royal Rumble
--> Why is Y2J/HBK, with the better story leading in and going longer, #2? 'Cause Michaels went over. Sure, it set up the first Jerichoholic return tease after, but since I'm biased if Chris wins this I'd put it at #1. Benoit/Angle went right after the worst match of the year and defined the term "from the ridiculous to the sublime". Benoit's DDT on the apron, Angle's face-first turnbuckle powerbomb setting up the second Angle Slam to the heel hook he had to debut to hang on--THIS is why I remain a fan in the face of wave after wave of bullshit. To quote Mike Lupica, both of these are GTHs: got to haves.

Best Feud
2) C.M. Punk/Raven
1) HBK/Y2J
--> Punk/Raven I find awesome because of the contrasting styles. You book this 20--maybe even 10 years earlier, Raven is Public Enemy #1. Now, he's the babyface. Their styles go well together, and the fact they've had to team in some places just adds to the goodness. HBK/Y2J was awesome, as we both knew they were going to cut great promos but they really put on great match after great match when there was large doubt as to if Michaels could keep it up with his back problem and Jericho had been largely downcast at the outset.

Worst Wrestler
2) Mark Henry
1) Nathan Jones
--> *cues up Angle's music* YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN AND SUCK! YOU MAKE THE KLAN LOOK LIKE A VIABLE IDEA AGAIN! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!

Worst Tag Team
2) Mark Henry & Rodney Mack
1) 3 Minute Warning
--> When somebody really really really really re he he he he he eaaaaaaly sucks putting them with someone fresh off the farm league is A Bad Idea. If 3MW had remained Bischoff's hired goons they would've been in consideration for Best Gimmick. Just like there was no Ronnie Lott playing for the Raiders, or the Lakers winning it all last year if Horry makes the Game 5 shot against the Spurs, I will not listen to arguments to the contrary.

Worst Heel
2) Eddy Guerrero
1) Gail Kim
--> Because I love both of them, but in very different ways.

Worst Babyface
2) Billy Gunn
1) Stephanie McMahon.
--> Ah, Billy Gunn, or as I liked to call him, "Scrubs is on, isn't it? I can watch that for 5 minutes now." And Steph Bear? Apu 3:16 says I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW YOU DON'T SHUT UP!

Worst Worker
2) Mark Henry
1) Kevin Nash
--> This is my "they COULD'VE pushed Stevie Night Heat or Lance Storm or Christian or Hurricane by himself but NOOOOOOOOOO it's you two tubby fucks who'd only get in an entertaining fight over who'd get the last drumstick at Thanksgiving dinner" smark mandatory vote.

Least Favorite
TRIPLE H.
--> I assume when he dies they're still going to book him to go over Jericho.

Most Deteriorated
2) Jeff Hardy
1) Scott Steiner.
--> What happens when a highspot machine can no longer hit the highspots? You take it out back and shoot it. I'm perfectly willing to forgive Steiner if they change his music to D12's "Purple Pills" or he engineers a time machine and brings 1991 Scott Steiner in his place.

Most Underrated
2) Sean O'Haire
1) Matt Hardy VERSION FUCKING ONE
--> SOH was the one Natural Born Thriller I liked, with Inferior Hardy gone he was safe to use the senton bomb, he's big, crazy hops, and the devil's advocate was a cheap excuse to print money. But since we were all salivating for Sable/Cat and Vince/Steph part four billion and six you can catch him on Velocity every weekend. PUH. THETIC. If you don't get the Matt Hardy kick, you probably never will and should probably go back to not studying as your spot as Bovine University valedictorian may be in danger by that sandwich over there.

Worst Gimmick
2) "Big Ass" Molly Holly
1) La Resistance
--> What really killed me about #2 (well, besides they thought that constituted a push of the division--JUST WRITE IT LIKE NORMAL YOU MONKEYS) is that Trish has a bigger ass than Molly. And big asses are IN. I'm supposed to hate a cute white girl with a big ass? You must have me confused with Parallel Universe Butch, a white female lesbian who's favorite band is 'NSync. And La Resistance took everything already moronic about a war and got propped out for cheap heat. Good for it working on the marks, it don't mean I got to like it. And you did the same boo USA angle with FOUR guys the year before that.

Worst Move
2) Cena's FU
1) the People's Elbow
--> Now that Cena's a hard rock with the ground & pound and the head-dropping exemptions have been up a couple years, they need to let him hit the full-on DVD and not that bastardized Falcon Arrow. And the People's Elbow is the greatext example of move gayness especially as a viable finisher to crowd overness. HATE loving these.

Worst Match
2) HeAT vs. RAW announcers
1) Steiner/Triple H, RAW Title @ the Rumble
--> Hey! You know who should wrestle? WRESTLERS! You know what announcers shouldn't be doing? WRESTLING! And while watching crippled guys on South Park is funny...

Worst Feud
2) Vince/Steph
1) Shane/Kane
--> Go fig, huh? Shane either needs to become a full-time highspot machine in the CW division or go back to banging his ludicrously hot wife.

Most Disappointing
2) World Champion Triple H
1) Death of Curt Hennig
--> I still can't believe he actually put Goldberg over that time. Hennig is pretty much the reason I'm a smark as he was the first heel I loved like a face, and he was kicking out the jams back when. My childhood is now property of the ground.

Most Obnoxious
2) the Cat
1) Stephanie McMahon
--> Can someone tell New Jack they're late on their mortgages and let the rest write itself?

Best Announer
2) Mike Tenay
1) Michael Cole
--> I think Tenay's actually the best but Cole gets better product. Cole actually being the best announcer isn't quite on the level of the Bucs winning the Super Bowl but it's damn close.

Best Color
2) Al Snow
1) Tazz
--> Al Snow will be at Tazz's level in a couple of years. He carried Coach like Kirsten Dunst carried "crazy/beautiful". He'll make that level assuming he doesn't try to reinforce I'm A Bad Guy too much; his knowledge of moves, psychology and occassional Babaganooch brother joke don't make me feel like such a dork for watching Stevie Night. Tazz had that problem, now he knows everything but isn't afraid to rip stuff he doesn't like. Keys To Victory & Tale of the Tape--FINALLY. His sell job of the 60 minute Angle/Lesnar would've won it alone, but doing so all year makes him far and away THE #2.

Best Interview
2) John Cena
1) Chris Jericho
--> I've already ridden Cena enough, so here's something interesting: Chris Jericho did one piece of commentary for six minutes a few months ago on a RAW. He placed SIXTH in the Best Color voting. While this says a lot about color commentary in the year 03 it says about five times as much about Jericho. I now realize he is the wrestling equivalent of LaDanian Tomlinson. If he was on a playoff team with a first-round bye, there would be a statue in his honor and it would eat pigeons. As it is, he's just the motherfucking man forever doomed by the no-talent assclowns around him.


Best Angle
2) the Rock Goes Hollywood
1b) Jericho grows up idolizing Shawn Michaels then sets out to destroy him
1a) KURT.
--> That Kurt joke is NEVER going to get old. Ya hear me? Never ever ever. the Rock took something that everyone was thinking, then did it. Not only did it, but proved why he's going to Hollywood in the process. I bet Hurricane misses him a lot. And Jericho/Michaels was built on some basic old-school booking, including a whomp-ass highlight package to show the similarities in style, and then kicked out the motherfucking jams in the ring to back all that chewy goodness up. It would've been nice for Jericho to have beaten HBK at SummerSlam and not on a RAW but that's what happens when you live under the shadow of The Nose.

Best Wrestling Organization
2) Ring Of Honor
1) EMLL
--> I beg Ring of Honor. Get on TV. Have a one-cent pay-per-view. Do SOMETHING so I don't have to borrow off the Net and people can actually see the wonderous awesomicity that is Chris Daniels, that is American Dragon, that is Low Ki. DO IT! EMLL's #1 because lucha is awesome and because they have Dr. Wagner Jr.

Best Show
2) EMLL whenever the hell they have it on
1) SmackDown
--> This is it, in a nutshell: you have not lived until you see a 90-year-old woman stand up to the most badass heel you can find and attempt to beat him to death with her purse. NEVER seen it happen in North America, on EMLL I remember seeing it at least TWICE. Did I mention due to their wacky scheduling I haven't seen a drop of lucha since August? And gee, the One Big Promotion's show where they put the best technical wrestlers and the gimmicks of the year (and the well I don't have to consider the workrate while I check for testicular cancer hotties) is number one in my eyes. I Am In Shock.

Best Major Show
2) Royal Rumble
1) Vengeance
--> Solid Rumble, Match of the Year. I'm easy like that. And on the heels of the absolute Flair Flop that was the RAW only PPV the SmackDown only PPV, to the surprise of some idiot, started off kicking ass, continued to kick ass, built a shrine to its own bad ass, and then went back to kicking some motherfucking ass. Rey & Kidman vs. ex-Team Angle for the tag straps, Benoit/Guerrero for the back up in your ass with the resurrection US Title, and Angle/Lesnar/Show for the World Title. I mean, short of Torrie Wilson reaching through your screen and giving you a handjob, that's about as good as it gets.

Best Promotional Move
2) The women's division stops leaning on the T&A
1) Eddy push
--> The women went from "can I get off on this modified softcore porn in the minute and a half they're going to give it" to the #2 reason I watched RAW. Gimme Trish/Victoria, Ivory/Jazz and Victoria/Stacy over...well, let's just say everybody on RAW except seven guys. And finally they got behind Eddy and realized this guy's pretty good. It's like scratching a lottery ticket, putting it down and not looking at it for 3 weeks until you realize, hey, this thing's worth $62 million!

Worst Announcer
2) the Cat
1) Jerry Lawler
--> Lawler needs to have his throat box removed so I can watch Molly be the new age bizarro world Malenko without wanting to beat the shit out of my TV.

Worst Interview
2) Stephanie
1) Linda
--> Apu 3:16 & Mrs. Roboto. I shudder to think what's going to happen to the doctors' heads when Steph gives birth to the Antismark.

Worst Angle
2) Mr. America
1) La Resistance
--> THIS is what people always bring up after the disdainful "You like that crap?" and there is no answer for this. I mean, there is, but they don't want to sit through Angle/Benoit so you sit there quietly stewing at them waiting for an opportunity to procure the crossface chickenwing on their ass.

Worst Show
2) RAW
1) AAA
--> The competition has Angle/Show/Lesnar, exAngles v. Rey & Kidman, and Benoit/Guerrero. You counter with Triple H/Kevin Nash. DIE. If EMLL is the chick allowing my buddy to live the dream, AAA is the investment banker who won't talk about anything but herself.

Worst Show
2) Bad Blood
1) Judgment Day
--> Hey, I picked two RAW-only PPVs! I Am In Absolute And Complete Shock!

Worst Promotional Move
2) Burying Matt Hardy
1) Heyman demoted
--> Heyman turned SmackDown into must watch, for which it made him look better than Triple H's Show and thus had to be cut like wheat before the scythe. If I talk anymore about how Matt carried the undercard and his job was to lose to the one-legged freak show in his first PPV match I am going to cry, then get the chainsaw.

BONUS! Best Entrances!
3) OLD SCHOOL Christian with the golden shower of pyro
2) Christopher Daniels
1) Matt Motherfucking Hardy Version By God Motherfucking One

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

Currently playing: Grinspoon's "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"

RoSserPW part one
Warning: Post known to contain wresting and is inspired by the Annual RSPW Awards. Should you not care for this...well, I'll talk my head off about something else very soon.

I miss WOW. And CMLL. I miss there being alternatives.

Mostly I just miss RNN. And that push Matt Hardy had that week.

Best Wrestler
2) Christopher Daniels
1) Eddy Guerrero
--> I've only gotten to see a handful of his matches, but Chris Daniels is your only god. If he was on SmackDown the mark bandwagon would build faster than a Starbucks. Eddy merely does it all: effective scumbag. Effective underdog. Great talker. Awesome wrestler. Good, original gimmick. Five-tool wrestler, and there's about 8 of them left.

Best Tag Team
2) Los Guerreros
1) America's Team--well, that's what I calls them: Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas
--> Take two good wrestlers, and give them a gimmick that not only gets them over but is incorporated into their matches--it's real easy sometimes. B&H--assuming they stay together in our hyperspeed time could be the next Midnight Express. They seem to be a TEAM instead of "here's two guys together, go" and the Broken Arrow is the best name for a move outside of Cena's old Killswitch.

Best Heel
2) Rock
1) Chris Jericho
--> Rock was a heel for about two months. That is how good he was--so good, I didn't want to boo him because he was so awesome being a heel. He totally could've half-assed and kept his good Hollywood name. Instead, he was THE reason I started watching RAW again, made me laugh so hard with his second concert I fell off my bed twice AND put over the Hurricane. Triple H, I know Dwayne Johnson. I booed Dwayne Johnson, and I cheered Dwayne Johnson, and you sir (and I use that term loosely) are no Dwayne Johnson. This is the last year, if my Spidey-senses are right, that Jericho's going to be eligible for this. And when Rock left and I was back on the RAW Jihad, the Highlight Reel made me watch if only for 10 minutes. The match he wrestled face with Trish vs. Rico & Jackie he actually changed his wrestling style to be "face" Jericho (inside-outside springboard dropkick anyone?) before switching back to evil at the drop of a hat. And the fans have been trying to get him back since the end of his XIX match. For him to be entertaining and yet get others over at the same time while looking like he could beat anyone not fucking Steph--this one's for you. C'mon baybay!

Best Face
2) Trish Stratus
1) Rey Misterio
--> I'm picking people who've stayed face all year and wrestled all year, and these were the only two. :) In all seriousness, Rey is consistently over no matter where he is and could be seen as a US Title level guy. Plus, the tiny size and high-flying screams "LOVE ME PEOPLE!" Trish, #2 on my ballot and #1 in my pants. A couple divas wrestle better, but none of them look as good or emote quite as well. There were about five reasons to watch RAW during the summer and Trish held up the entire babyface side (you could look it up) of one of the main two. Plus, she keeps on innovating with the Matrish Skipper lean-back counter and the Stratusphere. Maybe it's just because I keep thinking of T & A, then looking at Trish look hot WHILE whomping ass AND YET looking vulnerable but I'm reminded of Kevin Arnold's reaction when Winnie Cooper came back from summer vacation in the first Wonder Years.

Best Worker
2) Kurt Angle
1) Chris Benoit
--> My mildly-interested Dad, actually watching Benoit kick out the jams against A-Train of all people, after a chop sounded off throughout our apartment: Someone forgot to tell the missing tooth guy this is FAKE, didn't they? Nuff said.

Best Flyer
2) Rey Misterio
1) Rob Van Dam
--> Maybe Amazing Red would've gotten in if I'd seen more stuff. But watching the Cinco Estrellas Frog Splash, whether it be standard issue, covering ¾ of the ring and pivoting in mid-air, or off a ladder, is always going to be the bees knees for me.

Best Technical
2) Chris Benoit
1) Kurt Angle
--> Could easily be reversed but Kurt always makes a point of using the amateur stuff in his matches.

Best Brawler
2) Kane
1) Brock Lesnar
--> While I'd rather see Angle/Benoit than Lesnar/Kane, there's a time to chain wrestle and there's a time to punch a guy in his fucking face and knock him on his ass. It's a shame they took the triple powerbomb away from Lesnar since that made him look even more bad-ass cyborgy. Lesnar can do the tech stuff but he's at his best whomping somebody like they eyed his woman, culminating in the F5. Kane? Yes. Maybe it's just the heel turn letting him get in more offense, but when I see Kane punching away the overriding thought in my head is "Boy, would that suck to be me."

Most Favorite
2) John Cena
1) Matt Hardy
--> "Your sister calls me Leprechaun/always after my Lucky Charms". "Me name Brock/here come the pain/God build me STROOOOOONG/forget to give brain". "I'll leave you on the wrong end of a Kobe Bryant violation." A: Name 3 reasons Cena should've won. It's true he flows like a glacier, but conversely one of those took down the Titanic didn't it? Matt Hardy's career reinvention was nothing short of incredible--the awesome gimmick is in place, now somebody give the fucker a push for crying out flayven!

Most Improved
2) Randy Orton
1) Victoria
--> Once upon a time, Randy Orton had his dad's taunt, a goofy-looking backbreaker, a frog splash crossbody, and the Play of the Day. Then he got a personality, and then BAM! He's not The Man or anything, but steps are being made for all the potential we all heard so much about. Victoria went from afterthought to--GASP--being better than Molly Holly in the ring. And she did it on one good leg to boot.

Most Overrated
2) Triple H.
1) TRIPLE H.
--> *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

Best Gimmick
2) Matt Hardy...VERSION 1.
1) WORD LIFE! THIS IS BASIC THUGANOMICS!
--> Dean Rasmussen: If you ain't MFer, you ain't shit. Matt's psychotic cult leader, bringing up Shannon Moore with one hand and Twist of Fating him with the other, always made for quality matches and even better promos. PUSH. Hey, remember P.N. News? Remember the Road Dogg? Cena took a one-off spot on the throwaway Halloween show and turned it into SmackDown's Must See TV. Which verse is going to be the quotable line of the night? Which one is going to make the audience "OH!"? What dirty word do we all get to sing along at the end? "I'm untouchable, but I'm forcing you to feel me." True.

More to come...

Currently playing: Adam Sandler's talking goat sketch

From the Home Office Three Crows Short Of A Murder By The North Pole

DROPPED: "Breathe", 10; "Faint", 8

[10] Chingy, Ludarcis, & Snoop Dogg, "Holidae In" (NR)*
[09] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (5)
[08] the Darkness, "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" (NR)*
[07] Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Fortune Faded" (6)
[06] No Doubt, "It's My Life" (9)**

[05] Alicia Keys, "You Don't Know My Name" (7)*
[04] Big Boi & Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move" (4)*

[03] Kelis, "Milkshake" (3)*

[02] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" (2)*

[01] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (1)

Currently playing: Metallica's "St. Anger"

Grande En Dos Mil y Tres

Favorite CD: R.E.M.'s second best of compilation, In Time 88-03

Favorite movie: (tie) Kill Bill volume 1 and LotRotK

Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV

My favorite new toy: Whatever jersey I'm wearing. Word life.

I'm totally obsessed with: Jessica Alba's an acceptable answer, yes?

Best sex I've had this year: You really don't want THAT answered.

My 2003 regret: Missing out on an apartment by 3 days

Word or phrase of the year:
3) "I don't (care) about no trade rumors. As long as somebody CTC at the end of the day, I'm with them. For all you that don't know what CTC means, that's 'Cut The Check'. I just go out there and play. So long as somebody CTC, it's gravy with me."--Rasheed Wallace
2) "Welcome to the O.C., bitch! That's how we do things in Orange County!"
1) "23 is old! 23 is almost 25, which is almost mid-twenties!" Ironically enough I was watching the Malibu Stacy Simpsons and when I turned to MTV on the off chance they were showing a video Jessica Simpson was on. I already knew the Winamp was sentient, now the TV's plotting against me...

Who most needs a Queer Eye makeover?: Probably me.

Is Kobe guilty?: Adultery, si, rape, no

Ambition for 2004: Finish Jesus Smirked, independence, love, regional domination...pretty standard really.

Best song I downloaded this year: (tie) Coldplay, "Warning Sign" & Fountains Of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom"

Favorite book of 2003: Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Philosophy: Fear & Trembling In Sunnydale

The drunkest I was this year: I can't exactly remember the entirety of it but I know Heinken was my anti-drug. Maybe the wedding?

Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: After work, hopefully at some party about to get busy consistently and throughly

Currently playing: the Who, "I Can't Explain"

Giving's Better Than Receiving? Oh, MAN, Am I Getting Old...

I got my mother the jersey of her favorite WNBA player, Dawn Staley. Got my dad the Best Sports Illustrated Writing the First 50 Years. Got my brother the f'n Gamecube and Spider-Man to boot with the free Zelda stuff they gave me.

And I get...
--2 packs of chocolates
--flip-flops
--Gillette travel pack
--pajama pants
--basketball hoop--to go over the garbage can
--The Stone Cold Truth (thx Rob)
--$35 (thx Grandma and Aunt)

What do you call capitalism? Getting FUCKED!--Tony Montana

Next year is all about Festivus.

Anyway, like last year it looks like I'm gonna make my own Christmas, by buying Madden '04 and sending away for Def Jam Vendetta for the Cube (latter won on Ebay for $5.50. Moral of the story--auctions that end on Christmas = cheap), and possibly the neo-retro royal blue Kobe jersey, or Shaq since I don't have him yet and last Day After Christmas I got the standard issue road Kobe jersey.

More stuff to come later since there's a giant piss being taken on San Diego by Mother Nature today and writing porn on Christmas seems wrong even by my lowly standards.

Currently playing: Public Enemy's "FIGHT THE POWER~~~~~~~~!"

My Favorite 25 Songs Of 2003

Barry White died this year.

Ja Rule came out with another CD.

Celia Cruz and Robert Palmer died also.

Justin Timberlake came out with a CD, and had sex with Alyssa Milano and Cameron Diaz, quite possibly at the same time.

Moral of the story? Life's unfair, get a fucking helmet!--Pastor Denis Leary

As it gets harder and harder to stomach what the One Big Label pushes, finding stuff you like gets more and more difficult like mining for gold. You have to figure a thousand songs came out this year if you underestimate, and yet looking over the entire list, I don't believe I even made 70 songs. And most of them are repeats by the same artists. I think I'm not alone in saying: what I don't like dominates the press, so what I do like I hang onto like the cold hand of death. With that preamble out of the way, let me offer condolences.

"React", "Wanksta", "Gossip Folks", the remixed "P.I.M.P.", "Fortune Faded", and "Come Away With Me." Something was missing--let's call it heart (no hustle either, Skip!). In reality, I loved all you guys but just not quite enough to make the big list. If any of the other 25 should fail to fulfill their duties...well, they won't. Sorry.

Let's go!

<25> Audioslave, "Show Me How To Live"
<24> Obie Trice, "Got Some Teeth (My Favorite Song)"
<23> Kelis, "Milkshake"
<22> Pharrell & Jay-Z, "Frontin'"
<21> Big Boi f. Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move"

<20> Foo Fighters, "All My Life"
<19> Queens of the Stone Age, "Go With The Flow"
<18> Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"
<17> R.E.M., "Bad Day"
<16> Killer Mike f. Big Boi, "A.D.I.D.A.S."


15) the White Stripes, "The Hardest Button To Button/Seven Nation Army" (tie)
--> Everything they sang this year was money; so much so that this isn't even their best showing. Meg White's quite underrated.

14) Ludacris, "Stand Up"
--> Gigantic chicken drumstick: $13.50. Iverson throwback: $75. Midgets getting down: PRICELESS.

13) Radiohead, "There There"
--> The second verse alone with the "don't reach out" background cadence gets it here.

12) Coldplay, "Clocks"
--> When I described Parachutes' singles as getting consecutively better and better I never dreamed they'd have enough in the tank to keep THESE singles better than those. Matter of fact, where's the song they released after this?

11) Electric Six f. Jack White, "Danger (High Voltage)"
--> "Fire in the disco/fire in the disco/fire in the Taco Bell!" I still don't know what in the blue hell that means but it's still somehow such a sexy song you have to have Beyonce singing a hook to up this.

10) the Roots f. Cody Chestnutt, "The Seed 2.0"
--> In which ?uestlove and the best hip-hop band alive pilfer the last great forgotten Rolling Stones hook and make cheating sound...well, cool.

09) Foo Fighters, "Times Like These"
--> It's "Everlong 2003" but you can do worse than rehashing the best part of your history.

08) Snoop & Pharrell, "Beautiful"
--> This video taught me a valuable lesson: MOVE TO BRAZIL.

07) Andre 3000, "Hey Ya"
--> You can tell somebody's a fucking bad-ass when they take a video concept of Paul McCartney's, dress up like a jockey, and you're not hearing him 'cause you just wanna dance.

06) Johnny Cash, "Hurt"
--> This is how awesome this song is: it made Trent Reznor cry. We should all be so lucky to go out like this and be 1/10th the motherfucking shit Johnny was. Oh, and it's Video of the Year for the cracked Live In San Quentin platinum record alone but you know that already.

05) 50 Cent, "In Da Club"
--> At first you had The Nine Shot Story came out. Then he dropped this, and things changed just a little bit. Old white women know this song by heart, for crying out flayven.

04) Beyonce f. Jay-Z, "Crazy In Love"
--> Aside from giving Warren Sapp dancing ideas this song is flawless.

03) Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Can't Stop"
--> It's crazy to think a band can be around two decades and seeming just hitting their stride at the end of it, but the Peppers've always defied convention anyways.

02) Fountains of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom"
--> Note to all other bands who write great songs but want the attention they rightfully deserve: you can do a hell of a lot worse than sing catchy choruses about universal subjects with a supermodel in your video.

01) Coldplay, "The Scientist"
--> Is A Rush Of Blood To The Head mandatory owning? Well, as good as "I was just guessing/at numbers and figures/pulling your puzzles apart" and the last celestial minute are, this isn't even the best song on the CD. DAY-amn.

SIGH.

Well, the Democrats can officially fold now (voice in crowd: I thought they did already!). Bin Laden better watch out in 2014, that's all I've got to say.

Top 20 through the first half of the year:
1. Coldplay, The Scientist
2. 50 Cent, In Da Club
3. Johnny Cash, Hurt
4. Snoop & Pharrell, Beautiful
5. Foo Fighters, Times Like These
6. the Roots & Cody Chestnutt, The Seed 2.0
7. Radiohead, There There
8. the White Stripes, Seven Nation Army
9. Killer Mike & Big Boi, A.D.I.D.A.S.
10. Queens of the Stone Age, Go With the Flow
11. Audioslave, Set It Off
12. Norah Jones, Come Away With Me
13. Missy Elliot & Ludacris, Gossip Folks
14. Deftones, Minerva
15. Joe Budden, Pump It Up
16. Killer Mike, Akshon (Yeah!)
17. Goo Goo Dolls, Sympathy
18. Socialburn, Down
19.. Zwan, Honestly
20. Baby & the Clipse, What Happened To That Boy

Currently playing: Janet's "Miss You Much"

From the Home Office On Channel Sixty(MTV) Two

DROPPED: Bad Day, 10; Moses (live), 9

[10] Michelle Branch--"Breathe" (5)
[09] No Doubt--"It's My Life" (N)*
[08] Linkin Park--"Faint" (8)*
[07] Alicia Keys--"You Don't Know My Name" (N)*
[06] Red Hot Chili Peppers--"Fortune Faded" (3)

[05] Ludacris--"Stand Up" (2)
[04] Big Boi & Sleepy Brown--"The Way You Move" (5)*

[03] Kelis--"Milkshake" (4)

[02] Jet--"Are You Gonna Be My Girl" (6)**

[01] Andre 3000--"Hey Ya" (1) [4w]

Currently playing: Forest for the Trees' "Dream"

Does That Make Me The Black John Cena?
SmackDown Spoilers

After I went through my work shift (***) and broke to get pizza for lunch(****¾: opening bite burned the roof of my mouth), I headed off to the Sports Arena. I don't know what's keeping the E from using Cox Arena unless they're afraid they can't wall off enough of the upper levels. I waited in line for about 90 minutes, and I was one of the first 30 in line. Just my luck, I'm right in front of the Jeff Hardy Fan Club AND OF COURSE they have better seats than I do. Being around a bunch of marks was slightly unnerving, probably because I'm plowing through Sex, Lies, & Headlocks at Guinessian rates. I still can't believe the heart punch actually killed a guy.

My seats were in the front of the second level area, 10 rows southeast of the announce table. Upper middle class. The Sports Arena was nearly a sellout--I think. I don't know if part of the upper level was blocked off for television purposes or not.

Anyway, me & my new Word Life throwback settle in...

Dark Matches
Jamie Noble d. Psychosis, pinfall: Huge pop for both, Noble for being the first wrestler out and Psychosis due to the lucha proximity. In a spot I'm surprised just got thrown out there, Noble dumped Psychosis over the ring post to the floor on a moonsault attempt. Noble got some small chants, though I was rooting for Psychosis. Either that and/or I carry severe delusions about how much tang I could score in that mask. Noble's back suplex is a thing of beauty live in addition to Memorex. Noble won by reversing a top rope hurricanrana into a sunset flip.

A tag match featuring jobbers--hey! Those fuckers stole the International Workrate Connections tandem dropkicks to the temple! BOOO!--before they brought out Josh Matthews to "Click Click Boom" and Bill DeMott to his own theme. Josh was booed and Bill cheered which if nothing else is a reminder to MOVE.

Velocity
Nunzio & Palumbo v. Spanky & London: A good match, as is becoming the standard in this low-level rivalry. L&S hit a Russian legsweep/bulldog lariat combo. In a funny spot Spanky got his foot and arm on the ropes and Nunzio stomped the crap out of him for it. London hit the Dropsault and the ROHers hit some CRAZAY move I'm going to have to see on TV to describe accurately. In the end Palumbo superkicked London into a Nunzio powerbomb for the win.

Ultimo Dragon v. Tony T.: So much fire in the entrance I couldn't even SEE Dragon. He hit a PLANCHA~! but not the Asai moonsault. A squash won by the Asai DDT, check please. Dragon was crazy over; insert smarky PUSH MORE DAMMIT comment. The kid next to me loved him.

Orlando Jordan v. Kanyon: Sign: "Bring Back Mortis". If you hear someone chanting "Kanyon!" at various points without any support, that's me, though a section of smarks--and the kid, Alba bless him--joined in at various intervals. An all right match that Jordan won, sadly, with the Bulldog running powerslam.

CRUISER TITLE--Kidman v. Tajiri: The best match of Velocity and possibly of the night. Tajiri busted out a grounded version of the Million Dollar Dream, so maybe that's clounding my opinion some. Anyway, they hit their big moves and spots, but the Yakuza fended off Kidman's attempt at the Shooting Star Press and Tajiri bridged out of a rana to deliver the Buzzsaw kick.

SMACKDOWN!
Heyman is out to start us off and immediately becomes a bastard by saying Benoit will never get another shot at the title as long as he's GM. "YOU SUCK!" chant abounds. As Vince once built around Hogan & Austin, so he will build on the back of Brrrrrrrrrrrrrock LESNAR! "You Tapped Out" went on for about a minute before Brock cut the Kurt Angle anti-Mexican promo with some more Best Champion Ever spiel before making an open challenge. Whoever shall answer?

And who's that jumping out the sky?

Brock immediately asks Rey if he can help him, and Rey works in some Foley pops. Brock calls Rey a jumping bean. I call Brock a puta (sadly I didn't get to el hijo de mil putas). Eventually he allows that if Rey can beat him non-title tonight he'll get the whole enchilada next week. Mysterio says not only will we be chanting "You Tapped Out" after tonight's over, but "6! 1! 9!" as well. Brock looked in my general direction, probably wondering what a puta was and/or who called him it. I shot him the finger. Of course if he'd come after me I would've thrown the kid at him and ran like Clinton WHOO BAH GAWD Portis.

Rhyno v. Bradshaw: I really should've taken my piss break here. Crowd was dead, and Rhyno won by cradling Bradshaw off of a superplex. About what you'd expect, if you expected slow, plodding, and boring. 2nd rope Last Call.

Heyman's with A-Train & Matt Morgan, and wants to know why Train bet Benoit last week. Anyway, as punishment A-Train will be fed to...Shannon Moore. Morgan says don't screw this up. Train shrugs him off.

They played a Rey video package to P.O.D.'s "Boom". The WrestleMania XX that started off the night used the acoustic "Times Like These" & "Boom" as well.

Next week the Bashams are going to defend vs. II Cool II. 10-1 odds against Moore is the line the FBI lays on Morgan, who proceeds to bet heavily on Train. I Wonder Where This Is Going.

A-Train v. Shannon Moore: Sure enough, Moore bumps like a freak (YAAAAvalanche victim, swung into the barrier, backdropped to the floor) only to get a flash pinfall off of a sunset flip. Morgan & Show come out and...I just can't believe this...lay out A-Train. ChokeSLAM. Can ANY good come from this?

The Cat got booed in the tease, and he got booed again. Lamont was more over but he couldn't even draw cheap heat. Sable came out and teased, but eventually Miller kissed her anyway and danced in his boxers. You have been warned. It would've been nice if someone warned me. Also, insert comment later about Benoit not wrestling but getting five minutes of this.

Eddie & Chavo seem to be more simpatico this week, and Chavo says his knee's all right.

Los Guerreros v. World's Greatest Tag Team: In a cool side note Chavo seemed to bristle at the EDDY chant but encouraged the GUERRERO chant that went on during the match. It should also be noted he got his own chants, and this was match of the night in all likelihood. The ex-Team Angle worked over Eddy's arm (after Eddy sold a Benjamin single-arm DDT that looked botched like the icy touch of death) and took care of Chavo off his hot tag. Haas stopped Eddie's frog splash with a superplex and they hit their Broken Arrow (alley-oop shot to the back) for 2. Eddie cleaned house to one of the top 3 spots of the night, but Chavo blind tagged himself in and hit the frog splash. This lead to a 2 count and More Dissension, as Haas dropkicked Chavo into Eddie before taking out the nephew with their inverted atomic drop/superkick combo. Knocking Eddie to the floor allowed him to grab a hubcap and clobber Shelton with it for the win.

Rey warming up.

Show came out in more urban gear than usual, and it turns out he was there not to eat the entirety of the Krispy Kreme just off of Sports Arena property but to challenge John Cena to a battle rap. I believe he intoned the phrase "get your iz-ass to the rizing", which is all wrong. "Iz-ass"? Anyway, Show didn't get going until his last rhyme where he said in his world John was a white girl and he was Kobe Bryant. For about a minute, Big Show was beloved. Then Cena came out and destroyed him by using about 18 different ways to call him a fat tub of goo, secondarily saying that Show was doing heavy breathing because he was choking on his neck fat and ending with "the white Fat Albert". OUCH. Cena threw the mic up, and when Show went for it he kicked him in the crotch. Then he walked off smiling. If they don't pull the trigger on Cena over Show at the Rumble...yikes. The Austin comparisons continue I bet.

Noble came in before Torrie could tell Nidia what Jamie had done last week. Jamie was looking at her the entire time. I guess Billy Gunn cockblocked him to eternity, but I'm not supposed to remember that, am I?

Josh with Benoit. He made no excuses and cut his usual intense promo, saying that he still has the desire to win the belt, Heyman edict or not.

TALE OF THE TAPE~! Where were Tazz's Keys to Victory?

Rey Mysterio v. Brock Lesnar: Very good stuff here. Rey made Lesnar chase him around before taking him down with the LUCHA LIBRE~!, culminating into a rana takeover that ended up posting the champion. Lesnar slowed it down with backbreakers & the rear naked choke but Rey eventually hit the 619 followed by Dropping the Dime. Lesnar kicked out, then powerbombed Rey back into the Dark Ages off a hurricanrana attempt. He went for the Stretch Muffler after, and though Rey hung in for a bit he eventually tapped out.

A fan rushed the ring, only to reveal Bob Holly. He got in a couple shots, Lesnar bailed, and the crowd went batshiit. That reminds me, I have to move. Holly helped Rey up, he posed, they played the music.

After the fact, Rey & Tito Ortiz were in the ring and posed, then Rey slapped every fan's hand he could. Jason said they'd be back soon but didn't announce a date.

A good show that by the same token is entirely missable.

But it was my first time, and I had fun and got the shirt I wanted. REALLY wished I'd remembered my signs. :(

I blame Triple H.

But Don't Expect Me To Break Out In Song About It, & Some Of The Noise That Keeps Me Awake

Hot damn, I loves the eBay. I've been able to build a jersey collection at discount rates, and now it's really helped me plow through Christmas shopping. I'm about half-done and if I catch some breaks and win some auctions I could be all done by next week.

Next week! As in two weeks before Christmas next week!

What non-gay non-metrosexual male would be done so early? The cool thing about eBay is that my parents will like the stuff I got them, but it's East Coast. It's hard to find anything out of state in local areas especially when you're such devoted fans like them with specific tastes. But eBay's like radar lock, man. I'll be done for Christmas early, and I can actually feel all right about spending some money selfishly at a fraction of the normal prices.

What's not to love?

In unrelated news, I got my SmackDown tickets for next week's taping. I don't think I'll make it on camera, as I was able to only finagle upper middle class tickets (front of the upper deck) as opposed to the upper class (ringside) seats. I actually got lucky by waiting until today to hit the Sports Arena as the E had just cleared that area after doing the production run through. Barely even $30, and I'll probably end up with an Eddie or Cena shirt.

Hey, speaking of shirts, check out THE shirt to have this winter. And all I ever wanted was the funny shirt, a simple kind of life...

I had to buy a replacement Mavs Kidd jersey. Funny story--true story--I'm about to do the Gaslamp Crawl a couple weeks ago and the sports shop is open at like 10:30 pm. I've had a couple Heinies at Hooters so Ivan & I go in. I have the Kidd jersey on me because generally after a night of dancing I'm sweating like Jimmy Smith in rehab (the fuck) and I want something cool with air holes on me to cool off in case after we go have more drinks or hookah or whatever. I hand the jersey to the guy behind the counter so he sees I haven't magically shoplifted it, and he unfolds it and checks it out. A Mavs Kidd is rare, so he begins to offer me money for it. I think he's kidding, but he eventually gets to $20. It's not a lot, but I paid $12 for it and beer's in me and I'm thinking $8 profit.

So I sold it, only to win an auction for a replacement at $13.63. *shrug* Odd, odd, odd.

Note to self: must try "Are you married/are you single/do you make more than $100,000 a year before taxes?" on some poor unsuspecting girl before '03 ends.

Currently playing: P.O.D.'s "Alive"