COMEDOWN:
"Number One Spot" (8)
"Signs" (12)
"Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (14)
15) Memphis Bleek, "Like That" (debut)
14) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (9)
13) Missy Elliott feat. Ciara, "Lose Control" (debut)
12) Common feat. the Last Poets, "The Corner" (13)
11) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (15)
10) The Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (4)
09) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (7)
08) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (10)*
07) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (11)*
06) Amerie, "1 Thing" (2)
05) The White Stripes, "Blue Orchid" (debut)
04) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (1)
03) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (5)*
02) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (3)*
01) Audioslave, "Be Yourself" (6) [2w]
Ambient music: Live - I Alone
5/28/05
5/27/05
Hate Leads To Friday
I hate:
- Ticketmaster being ¼ of my Snoop ticket.
- The stuff I absent-mindedly signed up for in order to process the order faster and trying to get back from my lunch break.
- Living hand-to-mouth for a week because of the ticket.
- Finding out 72 hours after the fact Snoop was coming back in 2 months.
- Not buying Anger Management because of the ticket.
- Finding out yesterday the e-mails I sent didn't get through to one department and causing a massive overdraw in my checking account.
- Living hand-to-mouth another couple weeks because of that.
- Cutting back on my plans for the holiday weekend because of it(?)
- No Team America, Scrubs, NewsRadio, or Seinfeld season 4.
- Delaying paying off the cell bill.
- Delaying continuing to pay for Miami, and hopefully that won't lead to a rate increase.
- The fact when I went into msconfig yesterday to delete all the bullshit my brother and mother download that sneaks into the startup, the computer reset itself to 640/480 and no matter what I've tried I haven't been able to fix it.
- Everything being gigantic and partially hidden behind a big fat wall of plaid.
- Randomly stopping and having to reset.
- How frustrated I am about the last three because everything works (except for getting into Java chat) and runs faster, but I still can't fix the display.
- The friends I usually depend on to do it haven't been able to help me.
- This stupid computer.
- My idiot family for fucking up the stupid computer.
5/21/05
How The West Was Won And Where It Got Me
Format shamelessly lifted from El Basquetbol.
FOR: Getting the Winslow throwback before I headed out--I did not want to be wearing the Kobe throwback in some sort of show of faux solidarity just that's 'cause where they're from. Plus, it sends a horrible message to cute available white girls.
AGAINST: Taking soooooooooo loooooooooooong to get up there.
FOR: When on a postcard-perfect day you unexpectedly see the Pacific and your first reaction besides "WOW." is Andy Dufresne. A man who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side...
AGAINST: Uphill walks.
FOR: The line for the monthly meeting of Fine Bitches happens to be occuring on Throwback Appreciation Night; Dominique, Diesel, Jim Brown, Dr. J (on the f'n SQUIRES, no less), Norm Nixon on the Clips...
AGAINST: You mean to tell me Norm Nixon gets one and I still can't get my Rambis on?
FOR: The Jaime Pressly lookalike ahead of me with the big rack. If Jaime Pressly has a fault--IF...
AGAINST: Taken. They always are. Lousy Jebus...
AGAINST: The cops swarming to break it up between the rival hip-hop stations, leading to them hovering around the line. I don't think I'll be able to sell this bad boy off now.
AGAINST: The merch. Only thing I would've considered were I not in such dire financial straits was the black Snoop Doog hoodie from "Drop It Like It's Hot", and at $45 I expect a nickel bag in the pocket.
FOR: General admission, because the term "sit wherethefuckever" doesn't fit on a ticket. On the floor? By the stage? Don't mind ifs I do!
AGAINST: NO BEER?! NO BEER?! This is the sort of thing you should put on the ticket! I mean, if I'd known in advance I would've done the honorable thing and shown up crocked out of my gourd. Seriously, for twofitty I could've had the one-Kennedy serving size Heineken and I would've slurped that bitch down like Brooke Burke's titty milk. Now I'm paying $3 for a Sprite that doesn't even have CAFFEINE!
FOR: A brother selling weed necklaces to "Superfly" and "I'm Your Pusherman". It's just right.
AGAINST: Cute female DJs--hell, next thing you know they'll be letting niggers golf!
FOR: The Game starting promptly at 8:10.
AGAINST: Not being able to give a proper Westside hand signal. My ring fingers just don't work. And maybe, they never will. :(
FOR: "The Documentary", though after hearing "Moment Of Clarity" I'm still slightly surprised Jay-Z is the best rapper alive...
FOR: Game making a joke about stopping pushing once this next check clears.
FOR: Game chugging a bottle of champagne.
FOR: Game chugging TWO bottles of champagne.
AGAINST: Game crying on stage. I believe it was heartfelt but if life has taught me anything besides "there is but one bitch in the world; one bitch with many faces", it's this: don't EVER fuck with DMX. EVER.
AGAINST: Cellphones being the new lights. It's not the same, it's not even close.
FOR: Puff, puff, pass! Hey, I haven't done it in four years; this just proves I've got it beat.
FOR: Game: I don't give a fuck if you a Blood, a Crip, male, female, black, Latino, Asian, white boy all both of y'all in here...(there were a few more than two, but funny's funny)
FOR: Game: ...maybe they hating on you 'cause your chain's better, maybe they hate on you because you got a fresh whip, maybe 'cause when they call their girl your dick's in her already and she on the line talkin' 'bout she at the mall with her friend Candice...
FOR: "Murder Inc. can SUCK! MY! DICK! Ja Rule can SUCK! MY! DICK!" Oh, I've said those hundreds of times, but when you got 6,499 saying it with you...
FOR: Closing out with the singles in reverse chronological order.
FOR: Singing 50's hooks on "Hate It Or Love It" & "How We Do".
AGAINST: Never should've broken up with Vivica.
FOR: Game: ...I'll fuck any one of you bitches! Line up by the side of the stage! Wow, I like Game now, and I don't just say that because I'd plow his moms.
FOR: Game going up through the crowd like DDP, and taking pictures, giving dap, and yelling at somebody's friend on their cell they were bitchmade for not showing up to the concert.
AGAINST: The pic I took, I only got the back of his Reds cap and some of the tat off the shoulder. Delete.
FOR: The little movie vignette where Snoop scores a threeway only to find out the chick he was with before it happened was setting him up and he's got to lay waste to all the bad guys.
FOR: The bad guys wearing President masks a la Point Break.
FOR: Snoop blowing them all away. Oh, also.
FOR: BOOBIES and lipstick lesbians and heavy petting.
FOR: Kicking off with "Who Am I? (What's My Name?)" That's right, nothing but the hits, nothing but the motherfucking hits.
FOR: UNCLE JUNEBUG~~~~~~~
FOR: DON MAGIC JUAN~~~~ and it segues right into "P.I.M.P.". Niiiiiiiiiiice.
FOR: Puff, puff, give!
AGAINST: I am Tone Loc. These girls are all around, but none of them want to get with me. But my threads are fresh and I'm looking def...but I'm standing too close to where they're letting some of them go backstage.
FOR: DJ Easy-Dick & W-Ballz! That's where they're going, they have a little radio setup.
AGAINST: Little samples of "Nuthin' But A G Thang" & "The Next Episode". Like we don't know Dre's part.
FOR: Snoop is smoking. A LOT. Read that back and let it set in.
FOR: Puff, puff, puff, pass!
FOR: The girls dancing backstage.
FOR: The "SHOW YOUR TITS!" chant that I swear I didn't start.
FOR: Snoop, delivering the Line of the Night: Show me your titties, bitch! I'm Rick James!
AGAINST: The first chick who flashed.
FOR: The other two.
FOR: The "It Ain't No Fun" singalong. Trust me, as fun as it is yelling "Trick ass biiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" at the top of your lungs, it's better watching cute girls do it.
FOR: Snoop doing "Let's Get Blown" over the beat from "Wait".
FOR: Closing out with "Drop It Like It's Hot".
FOR: Snoop doing hits while doing all his hits.
AGAINST: A full band AND two DJs. Overkill!
FOR: Doing it again, except with money.
Ambient music: De La Soul feat. Redman - Oooh
FOR: Getting the Winslow throwback before I headed out--I did not want to be wearing the Kobe throwback in some sort of show of faux solidarity just that's 'cause where they're from. Plus, it sends a horrible message to cute available white girls.
AGAINST: Taking soooooooooo loooooooooooong to get up there.
FOR: When on a postcard-perfect day you unexpectedly see the Pacific and your first reaction besides "WOW." is Andy Dufresne. A man who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side...
AGAINST: Uphill walks.
FOR: The line for the monthly meeting of Fine Bitches happens to be occuring on Throwback Appreciation Night; Dominique, Diesel, Jim Brown, Dr. J (on the f'n SQUIRES, no less), Norm Nixon on the Clips...
AGAINST: You mean to tell me Norm Nixon gets one and I still can't get my Rambis on?
FOR: The Jaime Pressly lookalike ahead of me with the big rack. If Jaime Pressly has a fault--IF...
AGAINST: Taken. They always are. Lousy Jebus...
AGAINST: The cops swarming to break it up between the rival hip-hop stations, leading to them hovering around the line. I don't think I'll be able to sell this bad boy off now.
AGAINST: The merch. Only thing I would've considered were I not in such dire financial straits was the black Snoop Doog hoodie from "Drop It Like It's Hot", and at $45 I expect a nickel bag in the pocket.
FOR: General admission, because the term "sit wherethefuckever" doesn't fit on a ticket. On the floor? By the stage? Don't mind ifs I do!
AGAINST: NO BEER?! NO BEER?! This is the sort of thing you should put on the ticket! I mean, if I'd known in advance I would've done the honorable thing and shown up crocked out of my gourd. Seriously, for twofitty I could've had the one-Kennedy serving size Heineken and I would've slurped that bitch down like Brooke Burke's titty milk. Now I'm paying $3 for a Sprite that doesn't even have CAFFEINE!
FOR: A brother selling weed necklaces to "Superfly" and "I'm Your Pusherman". It's just right.
AGAINST: Cute female DJs--hell, next thing you know they'll be letting niggers golf!
FOR: The Game starting promptly at 8:10.
AGAINST: Not being able to give a proper Westside hand signal. My ring fingers just don't work. And maybe, they never will. :(
FOR: "The Documentary", though after hearing "Moment Of Clarity" I'm still slightly surprised Jay-Z is the best rapper alive...
FOR: Game making a joke about stopping pushing once this next check clears.
FOR: Game chugging a bottle of champagne.
FOR: Game chugging TWO bottles of champagne.
AGAINST: Game crying on stage. I believe it was heartfelt but if life has taught me anything besides "there is but one bitch in the world; one bitch with many faces", it's this: don't EVER fuck with DMX. EVER.
AGAINST: Cellphones being the new lights. It's not the same, it's not even close.
FOR: Puff, puff, pass! Hey, I haven't done it in four years; this just proves I've got it beat.
FOR: Game: I don't give a fuck if you a Blood, a Crip, male, female, black, Latino, Asian, white boy all both of y'all in here...(there were a few more than two, but funny's funny)
FOR: Game: ...maybe they hating on you 'cause your chain's better, maybe they hate on you because you got a fresh whip, maybe 'cause when they call their girl your dick's in her already and she on the line talkin' 'bout she at the mall with her friend Candice...
FOR: "Murder Inc. can SUCK! MY! DICK! Ja Rule can SUCK! MY! DICK!" Oh, I've said those hundreds of times, but when you got 6,499 saying it with you...
FOR: Closing out with the singles in reverse chronological order.
FOR: Singing 50's hooks on "Hate It Or Love It" & "How We Do".
AGAINST: Never should've broken up with Vivica.
FOR: Game: ...I'll fuck any one of you bitches! Line up by the side of the stage! Wow, I like Game now, and I don't just say that because I'd plow his moms.
FOR: Game going up through the crowd like DDP, and taking pictures, giving dap, and yelling at somebody's friend on their cell they were bitchmade for not showing up to the concert.
AGAINST: The pic I took, I only got the back of his Reds cap and some of the tat off the shoulder. Delete.
FOR: The little movie vignette where Snoop scores a threeway only to find out the chick he was with before it happened was setting him up and he's got to lay waste to all the bad guys.
FOR: The bad guys wearing President masks a la Point Break.
FOR: Snoop blowing them all away. Oh, also.
FOR: BOOBIES and lipstick lesbians and heavy petting.
FOR: Kicking off with "Who Am I? (What's My Name?)" That's right, nothing but the hits, nothing but the motherfucking hits.
FOR: UNCLE JUNEBUG~~~~~~~
FOR: DON MAGIC JUAN~~~~ and it segues right into "P.I.M.P.". Niiiiiiiiiiice.
FOR: Puff, puff, give!
AGAINST: I am Tone Loc. These girls are all around, but none of them want to get with me. But my threads are fresh and I'm looking def...but I'm standing too close to where they're letting some of them go backstage.
FOR: DJ Easy-Dick & W-Ballz! That's where they're going, they have a little radio setup.
AGAINST: Little samples of "Nuthin' But A G Thang" & "The Next Episode". Like we don't know Dre's part.
FOR: Snoop is smoking. A LOT. Read that back and let it set in.
FOR: Puff, puff, puff, pass!
FOR: The girls dancing backstage.
FOR: The "SHOW YOUR TITS!" chant that I swear I didn't start.
FOR: Snoop, delivering the Line of the Night: Show me your titties, bitch! I'm Rick James!
AGAINST: The first chick who flashed.
FOR: The other two.
FOR: The "It Ain't No Fun" singalong. Trust me, as fun as it is yelling "Trick ass biiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" at the top of your lungs, it's better watching cute girls do it.
FOR: Snoop doing "Let's Get Blown" over the beat from "Wait".
FOR: Closing out with "Drop It Like It's Hot".
FOR: Snoop doing hits while doing all his hits.
AGAINST: A full band AND two DJs. Overkill!
FOR: Doing it again, except with money.
Ambient music: De La Soul feat. Redman - Oooh
5/20/05
Law & Order: Special Love & Hate Unit
HATE: Today's choices, one of which is go see the Game/Snoop concert and live like a pauper for the next few days, or sell the ticket and not see the concert.
LOVE: The Anger Management lineup of 50, Em, and Lil' Jon and his crew, which is making me lean towards selling this ticket.
LOVE: Paying off the Miami vacation with the next check.
LOVE: Finally got the Winslow throwback today, and it's one of the few things that's worth the wait.
HATE: Sodas with lime. Lime belongs in 7-Up, Sprite, and Corona. That's IT! THAT'S THE LIST!
LOVE: The summer party on June 25th, the First Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam.
LOVE: My shirt idea for the girls that show up--Rick James licked the side of my mom's face and all she got was type A syphillis (and a daughter).
LOVE: The new White Stripes single "Blue Orchid". Mmm...fuzzy guitar.
HATE: I still haven't figured out the sample from "Lose Control". I want to say the Pac-Man game, buuuuut....
LOVE: After our rainiest season--well, let's just say ever--we're finally getting some real honest-to-Alba San Diego weather going on: 70s, a little breeze, sun shining, sky dotted with clouds. This is why we all pay out the ass, folks.
LOVE: Looking at the scenery on a day like this while sipping a cold beverage and not being at work. Good times.
LOVE: A local pub is running a Hottie or Naughty event on Memorial Day Eve where it's a 5 buck discount if you dress all in white (hottie) or all in black (naughty). See, the problem is I have a lot of black in the closest, even though I am a Regulation Hottie. Cruel, cruel world.
LOVE:
Ambient music: Busta Rhymes feat. Pharrell - Light Your Ass On Fire
LOVE: The Anger Management lineup of 50, Em, and Lil' Jon and his crew, which is making me lean towards selling this ticket.
LOVE: Paying off the Miami vacation with the next check.
LOVE: Finally got the Winslow throwback today, and it's one of the few things that's worth the wait.
HATE: Sodas with lime. Lime belongs in 7-Up, Sprite, and Corona. That's IT! THAT'S THE LIST!
LOVE: The summer party on June 25th, the First Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam.
LOVE: My shirt idea for the girls that show up--Rick James licked the side of my mom's face and all she got was type A syphillis (and a daughter).
LOVE: The new White Stripes single "Blue Orchid". Mmm...fuzzy guitar.
HATE: I still haven't figured out the sample from "Lose Control". I want to say the Pac-Man game, buuuuut....
LOVE: After our rainiest season--well, let's just say ever--we're finally getting some real honest-to-Alba San Diego weather going on: 70s, a little breeze, sun shining, sky dotted with clouds. This is why we all pay out the ass, folks.
LOVE: Looking at the scenery on a day like this while sipping a cold beverage and not being at work. Good times.
LOVE: A local pub is running a Hottie or Naughty event on Memorial Day Eve where it's a 5 buck discount if you dress all in white (hottie) or all in black (naughty). See, the problem is I have a lot of black in the closest, even though I am a Regulation Hottie. Cruel, cruel world.
LOVE:
Ambient music: Busta Rhymes feat. Pharrell - Light Your Ass On Fire
5/17/05
And Nowwww....A Horrifying Look Into the Future!
(INT. suburban house in mid 2020s America)
(INT. hallway)
(Dad whistles, putting away a crate. Daughter tugs on his leg.)
Daughter: Daddy, whatcha doin'?
Daddy: Oh, hi pumpkin. Daddy's just putting away his old stuff. You want to see it?
Daughter: OK!
(Daddy opens box. Daughter pulls out his old pride and joy, a CD of Nevermind. The daughter looks at it, and flips it around, confused.)
Daughter: Did you use this to kill bugs, Daddy?
(laughter)
Daddy: No! No! It plays music--there's a disc on the inside. (Opens it.) See! It's a CD!
(Daughter has blank look of incomprehension on her face)
Daughter: Daddy, what's a CD?
(dumbfounded)
Daddy: It's--it's a CD! A CD! They were like records, but smaller!
(silence)
(silence)
Daughter: Daddy, what's a record?
(Daddy gets up without a word and goes into the kitchen.)
Daughter: Mommy, Daddy's drinking in the afternoon again!
(INT. hallway)
(Dad whistles, putting away a crate. Daughter tugs on his leg.)
Daughter: Daddy, whatcha doin'?
Daddy: Oh, hi pumpkin. Daddy's just putting away his old stuff. You want to see it?
Daughter: OK!
(Daddy opens box. Daughter pulls out his old pride and joy, a CD of Nevermind. The daughter looks at it, and flips it around, confused.)
Daughter: Did you use this to kill bugs, Daddy?
(laughter)
Daddy: No! No! It plays music--there's a disc on the inside. (Opens it.) See! It's a CD!
(Daughter has blank look of incomprehension on her face)
Daughter: Daddy, what's a CD?
(dumbfounded)
Daddy: It's--it's a CD! A CD! They were like records, but smaller!
(silence)
(silence)
Daughter: Daddy, what's a record?
(Daddy gets up without a word and goes into the kitchen.)
Daughter: Mommy, Daddy's drinking in the afternoon again!
FIN
Ambient music: Hoobastank - Crawling In The Dark
5/15/05
Jessica And The Albaettes
Updatery on the list of the future Mrs., mistresses, and booty calls on the side there. You can scroll down since I'm far too lazy to do a full-on recap now thanks to The Babe Index. Ah, technology. Respect.
A few assorted ends and odds, though:
A few assorted ends and odds, though:
- Stacy Keibler makes her first apperance in the top 10, getting that final nudge in off of the Stuff shoot.
- Biggest beneficiaries from the update are Rebecca Romijn (up 17), Monica Bellucci (up 16), and Shannon Elizabeth (up 11).
- None of the women still on the countdown dropped double digits.
- Debuts come from Ali Landry, Elizabeth Hurley, Kim Smith, Nikki Cox, Teri Hatcher, and since this list isn't retroactive to 1997, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Esther Baxter re-enters the countdown.
- I believe act one of my summer is going to be reuniting Lindsay Lohan with her hair, fake chest, and a fucking cheesburger.
5/14/05
Rosser Hot Fifteen
THE SOUND OF SETTLING:
"E-Pro" (14), "Ordinary People" (15)
15) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (re-entry)
14) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (13)
13) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (12)
12) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake, "Signs" (2)
11) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (debut)
10) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (11)*
09) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (6)
08) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (4)
07) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (8)*
06) Audioslave, "Be Yourself' (9)*
05) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (7)*
04) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (5)
03) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (10)*
02) Amerie, "1 Thing" (1)
01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (3) [3rd time, 6w]
Ambient music: Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line
"E-Pro" (14), "Ordinary People" (15)
15) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (re-entry)
14) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (13)
13) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (12)
12) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake, "Signs" (2)
11) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (debut)
10) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (11)*
09) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (6)
08) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (4)
07) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (8)*
06) Audioslave, "Be Yourself' (9)*
05) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (7)*
04) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (5)
03) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (10)*
02) Amerie, "1 Thing" (1)
01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (3) [3rd time, 6w]
Ambient music: Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line
5/13/05
A Thin Friday Between Love And Hate
HATE: Waiting in limbo to see when they're going to kill the electricity, if they are. They said they were going to back at 8, but here it is about noon and I'm doing this with Blind Date on the background.
HATE: One of the smallest checks I've ever seen in my life. How I am supposed to get a proper swerve on? HOW?
HATE: Delaying paying off Natalie, even though I don't think the next check is going to bring some financial windfall, either.
HATE: The looming possibility of--*gulp*--selling my Game/Snoop tickets. I suppose I could try to get the comeback for Anger Management, but even so.
HATE: The new Lindsay Lohan. No breasts and she got hit with a sudden case of the uglies, too. Damn shame. I haven't seen someone fall off this fast since Shawn Kemp.
HATE: Being jerked around on my Winslow throwback.
LOVE: The new host of E!'s Wild On is TARA REID. You could look it up! That's appointment television right there. I wonder if they'll have to shorten the show to 10 minutes to get in all the usable footage.
HATE: I'm still coughing up phlegm! HOW? Can someone put one of those dentist's things in my mouth and suck out all this what appears to be lining my insides?
HATE: Dave going to the crazy house. I just hope it's nothing major and we eventually get a Season 3.
HATE: I guess the best-season-of-Seinfeld/first-seasons-of-Scrubs/Team America: World Police debate I was having for next Tuesday just died an ugly, violent death.
LOVE: TWO more seasons of Arrested Development! Praise Buster! Now maybe you guys can quit sleeping on the co-funniest show on TV and actually see the damn thing, hmm?
LOVE: The possibility of Eva Longoria dating Keifer Sutherland, because if anybody deserves somebody on Eva's level, it's Jack Fucking Bauer. Yes, his middle name is the F-bomb; once you kick a certain amount of ass in the name of the country they just change it.
LOVE: If they keep taking forever to kill the electricity, maybe I can get some writing done.
Better not chance it...
LATE AFTERNOON ADDITIONS
LOVE: Naughty By Nature doing a medley of their classics on 106th & Park. Can you imagine having them do your prom? Oh, that'd be sick. I wonder if I'm going to feel the way about any artists today in 2016 if I happen to be flipping the dial and the opening from "O.P.P." came on.
LOVE: No cutting of the electricity. Sweet.
LOVE: My brother's profile on myspace. Good to know he's "not a movie nigga". I feel closer to him now more than ever, shit you not.
Ambient music: George Harrison - I've Got My Mind Set On You
HATE: One of the smallest checks I've ever seen in my life. How I am supposed to get a proper swerve on? HOW?
HATE: Delaying paying off Natalie, even though I don't think the next check is going to bring some financial windfall, either.
HATE: The looming possibility of--*gulp*--selling my Game/Snoop tickets. I suppose I could try to get the comeback for Anger Management, but even so.
HATE: The new Lindsay Lohan. No breasts and she got hit with a sudden case of the uglies, too. Damn shame. I haven't seen someone fall off this fast since Shawn Kemp.
HATE: Being jerked around on my Winslow throwback.
LOVE: The new host of E!'s Wild On is TARA REID. You could look it up! That's appointment television right there. I wonder if they'll have to shorten the show to 10 minutes to get in all the usable footage.
HATE: I'm still coughing up phlegm! HOW? Can someone put one of those dentist's things in my mouth and suck out all this what appears to be lining my insides?
HATE: Dave going to the crazy house. I just hope it's nothing major and we eventually get a Season 3.
HATE: I guess the best-season-of-Seinfeld/first-seasons-of-Scrubs/Team America: World Police debate I was having for next Tuesday just died an ugly, violent death.
LOVE: TWO more seasons of Arrested Development! Praise Buster! Now maybe you guys can quit sleeping on the co-funniest show on TV and actually see the damn thing, hmm?
LOVE: The possibility of Eva Longoria dating Keifer Sutherland, because if anybody deserves somebody on Eva's level, it's Jack Fucking Bauer. Yes, his middle name is the F-bomb; once you kick a certain amount of ass in the name of the country they just change it.
LOVE: If they keep taking forever to kill the electricity, maybe I can get some writing done.
Better not chance it...
LATE AFTERNOON ADDITIONS
LOVE: Naughty By Nature doing a medley of their classics on 106th & Park. Can you imagine having them do your prom? Oh, that'd be sick. I wonder if I'm going to feel the way about any artists today in 2016 if I happen to be flipping the dial and the opening from "O.P.P." came on.
LOVE: No cutting of the electricity. Sweet.
LOVE: My brother's profile on myspace. Good to know he's "not a movie nigga". I feel closer to him now more than ever, shit you not.
Ambient music: George Harrison - I've Got My Mind Set On You
5/11/05
Welcome to the Future
Thanks to a 25-second investment, I can now send pictures from Natalie to this blog, maybe even captioned if I so desire.
This was just to ensure it wouldn't take me forever to taunt Dupin about Comic-Con, but the quickness is good. Sadly, if I'd done it last week you could've seen the shot of me with the Wagner mask on drinking from the pimp cup and the 17-year-old's ass. Such is life.
Ambient music: Crash Test Dummies - Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead
This was just to ensure it wouldn't take me forever to taunt Dupin about Comic-Con, but the quickness is good. Sadly, if I'd done it last week you could've seen the shot of me with the Wagner mask on drinking from the pimp cup and the 17-year-old's ass. Such is life.
Ambient music: Crash Test Dummies - Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead
5/8/05
Frustrated Incorporated
And now, a haiku entirely composed of the words fuck and shit.
94, 103, 138 in the lone ray of light, and 114.
What's more painful: losing for money, losing by a pin when all you had to do was make a spare and missing by inches, or losing by a pin when all you had to do was make a spare and missing by inches again? Ancient Chinese riddle for ya.
UGH.
DANCES DONE
---------------------
Churning the Butter
Neon Deion (since I had the throwback on)
Lane Angel (like that guy on the Pats, except in the lane)
Shawn Michaels (fell to my knees and thanked the lord)
the Redd Foxx Memorial Massive Holy Fucking God How Did I Just Lose By A Pin AGAIN Quadruple Bypass
Ambient music: the Wallflowers - 6th Avenue Heartache
94, 103, 138 in the lone ray of light, and 114.
What's more painful: losing for money, losing by a pin when all you had to do was make a spare and missing by inches, or losing by a pin when all you had to do was make a spare and missing by inches again? Ancient Chinese riddle for ya.
UGH.
DANCES DONE
---------------------
Churning the Butter
Neon Deion (since I had the throwback on)
Lane Angel (like that guy on the Pats, except in the lane)
Shawn Michaels (fell to my knees and thanked the lord)
the Redd Foxx Memorial Massive Holy Fucking God How Did I Just Lose By A Pin AGAIN Quadruple Bypass
Ambient music: the Wallflowers - 6th Avenue Heartache
5/6/05
Son Of Broken Resolutions
DO NOT wonder what you're going to do with the little bit of extra time you have when you unexpectedly get off two hours early. It's called Panda Express and the biggest mall in town down the block.
DO NOT show up at a party right after it begins. What are you, in A/V?
DO call friends before you get drunk for a change.
DO rock the lime of the side of your pimp cup.
DO put on your Dr. Wagner tricolor mask and have a sip.
DO take a picture to prove it.
DO NOT keep track of how many people compliment the chalice, eventually you will lose the number.
DO run back across the block to work and check your bag for a few hours so you don't have to worry about it.
DO start dancing out of nowhere, because if you're going to go overboard go overboard.
DO wander into the background of news programs transmitting live. Why? To fuck with people, duh.
DO keep drinking.
DO keep drinking.
DO keep dancing.
DO let them come to you.
DO befriend the local radio stations' street teams.
DO remember to look for yourself on their websites when you sober up.
DO take off the mask when you get too hot, per the orders of Lloyd Banks.
DO NOT keep dancing about when the rain flurry happens; you're already the Mayor of the joint. You have Nothing Left To Prove.
DO remember to get your shit back from work.
DO NOT chalk up someone eventually copping the Wagner mask as an act of fate; by all reasonable accounts you should be able to hunt them down and rip off the arm in order to beat them with it.
DO NOT take pictures of hot brunettes shaking their asses.
DO take video.
DO make sure you close out the joint.
DO make sure the party continues.
DO NOT hit a wall and snap the top row of beads on the pimp cup.
DO NOT start dancing like a retard when they play 80's music.
DO be shocked when an attractive female begins to emulate you.
DO drink more.
DO invite her to dance when you both take a break.
DO get her name.
DO NOT Vogue to "Material Girl". It just makes you look incompetent and foolish.
DO get a name, because those things help. A true gentlemen doesn't just grind willy-nilly.
DO NOT follow the fact she's seen you before with "If you're stalking me, just let me know now." Not funny enough.
DO blame the eight-pack you've guzzled for not being funny enough.
DO promise to hook up at a club next week, 'cause that's how you roll.
DO NOT read the new FHM & King of the World drunk off your ass. You will retain nothing.
DO NOT stagger down the street alone at 2 in the morning. As bad as it sounds.
DO NOT shoot your right arm out in an attempt to correct the sidewalk. The sidewalk isn't moving eratticly; you are. You've HAD 8.75 Coronas. That wobble IS YOU.
DO NOT attempt to be drunk and blog at the same time, your head keeps rolling back and it takes you longer to do it because your journalism major need to make everything look right takes a lot longer when you misspell words like "guzzled" and "the".
DO be pissed you forgot to tape SmackDown.
DO wonder if Hate It or Love It Friday is really necessary after a post like this.
DO bring this thing to a merciful end and go pass out in your bed already.
Ambient music: my second favorite song of last year, G-Unit feat. Joe - Wanna Get To Know You
DO NOT show up at a party right after it begins. What are you, in A/V?
DO call friends before you get drunk for a change.
DO rock the lime of the side of your pimp cup.
DO put on your Dr. Wagner tricolor mask and have a sip.
DO take a picture to prove it.
DO NOT keep track of how many people compliment the chalice, eventually you will lose the number.
DO run back across the block to work and check your bag for a few hours so you don't have to worry about it.
DO start dancing out of nowhere, because if you're going to go overboard go overboard.
DO wander into the background of news programs transmitting live. Why? To fuck with people, duh.
DO keep drinking.
DO keep drinking.
DO keep dancing.
DO let them come to you.
DO befriend the local radio stations' street teams.
DO remember to look for yourself on their websites when you sober up.
DO take off the mask when you get too hot, per the orders of Lloyd Banks.
DO NOT keep dancing about when the rain flurry happens; you're already the Mayor of the joint. You have Nothing Left To Prove.
DO remember to get your shit back from work.
DO NOT chalk up someone eventually copping the Wagner mask as an act of fate; by all reasonable accounts you should be able to hunt them down and rip off the arm in order to beat them with it.
DO NOT take pictures of hot brunettes shaking their asses.
DO take video.
DO make sure you close out the joint.
DO make sure the party continues.
DO NOT hit a wall and snap the top row of beads on the pimp cup.
DO NOT start dancing like a retard when they play 80's music.
DO be shocked when an attractive female begins to emulate you.
DO drink more.
DO invite her to dance when you both take a break.
DO get her name.
DO NOT Vogue to "Material Girl". It just makes you look incompetent and foolish.
DO get a name, because those things help. A true gentlemen doesn't just grind willy-nilly.
DO NOT follow the fact she's seen you before with "If you're stalking me, just let me know now." Not funny enough.
DO blame the eight-pack you've guzzled for not being funny enough.
DO promise to hook up at a club next week, 'cause that's how you roll.
DO NOT read the new FHM & King of the World drunk off your ass. You will retain nothing.
DO NOT stagger down the street alone at 2 in the morning. As bad as it sounds.
DO NOT shoot your right arm out in an attempt to correct the sidewalk. The sidewalk isn't moving eratticly; you are. You've HAD 8.75 Coronas. That wobble IS YOU.
DO NOT attempt to be drunk and blog at the same time, your head keeps rolling back and it takes you longer to do it because your journalism major need to make everything look right takes a lot longer when you misspell words like "guzzled" and "the".
DO be pissed you forgot to tape SmackDown.
DO wonder if Hate It or Love It Friday is really necessary after a post like this.
DO bring this thing to a merciful end and go pass out in your bed already.
Ambient music: my second favorite song of last year, G-Unit feat. Joe - Wanna Get To Know You
5/3/05
The New Phenomenon and The Same Old Lines From Devil's Advocate
I'm going to save my energy now, because I feel I will be drifting off into Lewis Black territory as I discuss the fallout of today's incident.
I get on one of my chariots of the people, and as I am flipping through the radio dial I hear "One of my friends said it's $10,000 and another said that was a typo, it's $100,000. But there's no way he'd get a fine that big, right?"
Obviously, the topic of discussion is the massive fine Don Sterno has leveled against Van Gundy, and being a man who watched PTI on his break today help the discussion. "No, it's one hundred...thousand."
I'm sure that raised some eyebrows, as those who know me in the real world tend to know my words come in flows much like tsunamis or, say, Niagra Falls. The pause came because as I looked up to see who I should aim the comment at, it turned out there was a hot brunette. And a hot blonde, who originally asked the question. Yes, I was astute enough to know the voices were female. No, I had no idea they were hot until I looked up from the radio dial (or the button, at least--it's been giving me trouble recently). So the blonde starts getting about as irate as you can get in a conversation in a public place. She's from Houston, go figure. So we're having this state-of-the-Mavs-Rockets address going on and as we round a corner holy god. HOLY GOD. She has a rumpatumpalous. Except to say that would be like saying that Michael Jordan fellow played forward some. Three scoops of booty flakes. And she's wearing jeans, which helps. But even so. Somebody call Uncle L. Kim (her name, right) has a big ol' butt. And I'm leaving...somebody.
I mean, she looks a little young, but this is definitely worth a shot. I have, in a massive coincidence which in Hollywood would swing the thing in my favor, purchased a ticket to the big Cinco de Mayo block party I'm hitting up Thursday. I figure, I'm not going with anybody and it's worth a shot.
And right before I ask, the guardian angel on my shoulder who I assume died in the fiery soul crash of 1997 speaks up and says, "Hey. Hey. Maybe we should make sure they're 21 instead of 20."
So I ask.
Would you like to know what the answer is, dear reader? Of course.
"Next week I'm turning 18."
Remember There's Something About Mary? Remember when Stiller got his junk caught in his zipper? Remember the face you made? Remember when they showed the junk caught upside down in his zipper? Remember the face you made that time?
It's like I make that second face except a billion times worse.
And then, as if things weren't bad enough, she gives me this shit-eating grin that would be so hot if I hadn't just commited a felony act with my mind and says "Why? How old are you?"
It is only through some untapped reservoir of personal grace I shake the cobwebs free and go "22."
You shut your face, you shut it now. Now now now now NOW.
Look, I realize I'm still a young man. I realize I'm only 26, or 30 in white years. I realize the following words shouldn't come out of my mouth or onto my site except in times of extreme sarcasm.
But damn it all to blood-gutted pus-spewing hell, back when I was young, things were different. Evil was evil. Good was good. You knew where you stood growing up. Music was music, made by ugly people who actually played their own instruments. And there damn sure weren't white girls with big asses who got together with their hot friends to talk about the basketball playoffs!!!! Let alone being 17, goddamnit! In order to create that series of events in my youth I would've had to have been on some serious Weird Science/Jurassic Park shit to get it to go right. And even then something would've fallen apart since I didn't have a computer; she would've only ran on Linux or something.
In the end, I can only shake my head and cry over the lost future full of little mochas we could've had together.
Things have gone too fucking far now. As President, I demand all hot underage pieces of ass have some sort of easily identifiable signifier to say they are underage, like a red barcode on the back of their hand or something. And when they turn 18 but before they're 21, it turns to yellow. It can work like a traffic light. Ever since Britney, this place has gone down the fucking toilet, and now I'm choking on this shit.
And right before I passed out, I thought to myself...
Sadist.
Absentee landlord.
Ambient music: A Tribe Called Quest - Electric Relaxation
I get on one of my chariots of the people, and as I am flipping through the radio dial I hear "One of my friends said it's $10,000 and another said that was a typo, it's $100,000. But there's no way he'd get a fine that big, right?"
Obviously, the topic of discussion is the massive fine Don Sterno has leveled against Van Gundy, and being a man who watched PTI on his break today help the discussion. "No, it's one hundred...thousand."
I'm sure that raised some eyebrows, as those who know me in the real world tend to know my words come in flows much like tsunamis or, say, Niagra Falls. The pause came because as I looked up to see who I should aim the comment at, it turned out there was a hot brunette. And a hot blonde, who originally asked the question. Yes, I was astute enough to know the voices were female. No, I had no idea they were hot until I looked up from the radio dial (or the button, at least--it's been giving me trouble recently). So the blonde starts getting about as irate as you can get in a conversation in a public place. She's from Houston, go figure. So we're having this state-of-the-Mavs-Rockets address going on and as we round a corner holy god. HOLY GOD. She has a rumpatumpalous. Except to say that would be like saying that Michael Jordan fellow played forward some. Three scoops of booty flakes. And she's wearing jeans, which helps. But even so. Somebody call Uncle L. Kim (her name, right) has a big ol' butt. And I'm leaving...somebody.
I mean, she looks a little young, but this is definitely worth a shot. I have, in a massive coincidence which in Hollywood would swing the thing in my favor, purchased a ticket to the big Cinco de Mayo block party I'm hitting up Thursday. I figure, I'm not going with anybody and it's worth a shot.
And right before I ask, the guardian angel on my shoulder who I assume died in the fiery soul crash of 1997 speaks up and says, "Hey. Hey. Maybe we should make sure they're 21 instead of 20."
So I ask.
Would you like to know what the answer is, dear reader? Of course.
"Next week I'm turning 18."
Remember There's Something About Mary? Remember when Stiller got his junk caught in his zipper? Remember the face you made? Remember when they showed the junk caught upside down in his zipper? Remember the face you made that time?
It's like I make that second face except a billion times worse.
And then, as if things weren't bad enough, she gives me this shit-eating grin that would be so hot if I hadn't just commited a felony act with my mind and says "Why? How old are you?"
It is only through some untapped reservoir of personal grace I shake the cobwebs free and go "22."
You shut your face, you shut it now. Now now now now NOW.
Look, I realize I'm still a young man. I realize I'm only 26, or 30 in white years. I realize the following words shouldn't come out of my mouth or onto my site except in times of extreme sarcasm.
But damn it all to blood-gutted pus-spewing hell, back when I was young, things were different. Evil was evil. Good was good. You knew where you stood growing up. Music was music, made by ugly people who actually played their own instruments. And there damn sure weren't white girls with big asses who got together with their hot friends to talk about the basketball playoffs!!!! Let alone being 17, goddamnit! In order to create that series of events in my youth I would've had to have been on some serious Weird Science/Jurassic Park shit to get it to go right. And even then something would've fallen apart since I didn't have a computer; she would've only ran on Linux or something.
In the end, I can only shake my head and cry over the lost future full of little mochas we could've had together.
Things have gone too fucking far now. As President, I demand all hot underage pieces of ass have some sort of easily identifiable signifier to say they are underage, like a red barcode on the back of their hand or something. And when they turn 18 but before they're 21, it turns to yellow. It can work like a traffic light. Ever since Britney, this place has gone down the fucking toilet, and now I'm choking on this shit.
And right before I passed out, I thought to myself...
Sadist.
Absentee landlord.
Ambient music: A Tribe Called Quest - Electric Relaxation
5/1/05
the Definition of a Pimp
That's right. I'm famous. Bow down...
...to the hip, new slang.
Ambient music: Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy
...to the hip, new slang.
Ambient music: Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy
Stru-guh-LING
I feel like I haven't slept. It was only five hours. I blame the drugs.
Took my worst smacking in poker yet last night, down $18. And I believe I was almost up $10 at one point early, and then I quit getting cards for the most part. I don't know exactly if this was a loss to learn anything from, other than you need good cards to play. Well, except the time I won with a 3-4 offsuit (big blinded, so why the hell not).
So hooray for building character or whatever the fuck. Now let's get back to profiting from these little excursions, hmm?
Ambient music: Korn - Make Me Bad
Took my worst smacking in poker yet last night, down $18. And I believe I was almost up $10 at one point early, and then I quit getting cards for the most part. I don't know exactly if this was a loss to learn anything from, other than you need good cards to play. Well, except the time I won with a 3-4 offsuit (big blinded, so why the hell not).
So hooray for building character or whatever the fuck. Now let's get back to profiting from these little excursions, hmm?
Ambient music: Korn - Make Me Bad
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