The plot is Brian and Holly have been best friends for 6 years who get drunk and screw on New Year's, and how the aftermath of that plays itself out throughout the year.
So, here are a few suggestions on how to handle me during these next few weeks, as my heart is beginning to race despite the fact that I can't start for another four hours.
DO realize I am using our conversations as an effort to take my mind off the fact I'm stupid enough to be doing this.
DO realize anything you say may end up in the novel, modified or not.
DON'T tell me I can't do this, because I've proven conclusively in the past two years that I can't. The whole point of this year is going in with a plan and doing the fucker.
DO offer me constructive criticism, but...
DON'T make me cry for the first time in five years. I's fragile.
DO ask me a bunch of questions. Maybe you've picked up on something I missed, maybe you know better what it's like to be an only child, or work at Starbucks, or start dating your friends (spoiler!)--I can't say I'll use every single last little thing but it's better to get agriculture reports from those who work the soil.
DON'T ask me where that metaphor came from, I don't like it much.
DO remind me stupid people have successfully written novels.
DO mention, every so often, your respect and admiration for me trying this task again despite past failures.
DON'T start laughing until you have gotten out of my hearing range, and in some cases, throwing range.
DO realize this is Priority #1 for me until after Thanksgiving, so if I seem a little meh about going to your Major Social Event or offer up grunts and stinkeyes, that you've caught me on a bad day through the valley of the shadow of death.
DO keep me awake with Big Cups. Sustenance!
DO remember I still care about you, even if the last words out of my mouth were "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! THAT COMMA JUST UNDID 16 PAGES OF WORK!"
And, of course, DO remember to pick better friends next time.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Changes" by Tupac
10/31/05
10/30/05
Dumb & Dumberer/KWBR
It was all so good.
The Rick James outfit? Apparently, a bunch of San Diegans hate their couches. If I got one picture, there were 10, if I got 1 comment, I got 50. AND I had the benefit of being the only Rick James in sight. Napoleon Dynamites? Idiots.
Lest we get too caught up in fun and joy, a point for the discernable reader to debate:
Stupider move: forgetting the glory days of your pants were the Bicentenial and losing about $15 in change as a result of not putting it in your wallet, or, running into your ex, taking her apology (possibly drunk) and readding her to your phone directory?
THE ART OF LOSING:
"Sugar, We're Going Down" (15)
15) Alicia Keys ¤ Unbreakable (13)
14) All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (9)
13) Rhymefest feat. Kanye West ¤ Brand New (debut)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (14)*
11) David Banner ¤ Play (4)
10) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (8)
09) Green Day ¤ Wake Me Up When September Ends (7)
08) Common ¤ Testify (11)*
07) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (5)
06) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (10)*
05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (6)
04) 50 Cent feat. Mobb Deep ¤ Outta Control [remix] (2)
03) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (12)*
02) White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (3)*
01) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1) [10w]
This post is brought to you BAH: "Jungle Love" by the Steve Miller Band
The Rick James outfit? Apparently, a bunch of San Diegans hate their couches. If I got one picture, there were 10, if I got 1 comment, I got 50. AND I had the benefit of being the only Rick James in sight. Napoleon Dynamites? Idiots.
Lest we get too caught up in fun and joy, a point for the discernable reader to debate:
Stupider move: forgetting the glory days of your pants were the Bicentenial and losing about $15 in change as a result of not putting it in your wallet, or, running into your ex, taking her apology (possibly drunk) and readding her to your phone directory?
THE ART OF LOSING:
"Sugar, We're Going Down" (15)
15) Alicia Keys ¤ Unbreakable (13)
14) All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (9)
13) Rhymefest feat. Kanye West ¤ Brand New (debut)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (14)*
11) David Banner ¤ Play (4)
10) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (8)
09) Green Day ¤ Wake Me Up When September Ends (7)
08) Common ¤ Testify (11)*
07) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (5)
06) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (10)*
05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (6)
04) 50 Cent feat. Mobb Deep ¤ Outta Control [remix] (2)
03) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (12)*
02) White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (3)*
01) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1) [10w]
This post is brought to you BAH: "Jungle Love" by the Steve Miller Band
10/29/05
You Got Mud On Your Face, You Big Disgrace
Ah. I do love the smell of fresh-cut grass in the evening.
But does it smell like victory?
So I give Aaron his v2 b-day presents (of course, both of them go over gangbusters. Why? I rule is why.) and we get out there. We don't quite have enough girls for a co-ed team, but the practice period goes good. Everybody's loose--hell, Leslie's singing "Girls Girls Girls" and I'm wondering where all my ones are--and practicing throws and stretching. I stow all my speech.
And then, of course, they give up a homer via error in the first at-bat of the game.
But something awesome happens. The girls play defense, making grabs. And a five-run first.
Soon, we're up 7-2 and I'm clearing off the mantle.
7-3 because a homer off a tree deep. I still say Lizet should've caught it. Damn tree. What good have they ever done for us?
Oh, by the way, our opponents? Despite all the defensive brilliance? Come all the way back to tie.
And yet, I don't worry during this at all. Call it karma, kizmet, fate, et al, but my feeling is "Oh. So we win in the (metaphorical) bottom of the ninth, then."
Three batters in, we do.
Victory party!
Afterparty!
Oh, no, I'm drunk and high again! Good thing I don't have to work in 11 hours, or am going to the block party to...morrow. Whoops.
I'm Butch Rosser, bitch(?)!
This post is brought to you BAH: "Deny" by Default
But does it smell like victory?
So I give Aaron his v2 b-day presents (of course, both of them go over gangbusters. Why? I rule is why.) and we get out there. We don't quite have enough girls for a co-ed team, but the practice period goes good. Everybody's loose--hell, Leslie's singing "Girls Girls Girls" and I'm wondering where all my ones are--and practicing throws and stretching. I stow all my speech.
And then, of course, they give up a homer via error in the first at-bat of the game.
But something awesome happens. The girls play defense, making grabs. And a five-run first.
Soon, we're up 7-2 and I'm clearing off the mantle.
7-3 because a homer off a tree deep. I still say Lizet should've caught it. Damn tree. What good have they ever done for us?
Oh, by the way, our opponents? Despite all the defensive brilliance? Come all the way back to tie.
And yet, I don't worry during this at all. Call it karma, kizmet, fate, et al, but my feeling is "Oh. So we win in the (metaphorical) bottom of the ninth, then."
Three batters in, we do.
Victory party!
Afterparty!
Oh, no, I'm drunk and high again! Good thing I don't have to work in 11 hours, or am going to the block party to...morrow. Whoops.
I'm Butch Rosser, bitch(?)!
This post is brought to you BAH: "Deny" by Default
10/28/05
AvB: Friday Barometer
ALBA: Payday, bitch! Some good money out of it, too, for once.
ALBA: Took my cell bill out back and caught it upside the head with a shovel, thanks to point 1. Then, just to make sure, I hit it a few more times. HA!
ALBA: "Hustler's Ambition", which I've had bumping since this morning when I got it (as evidence by my lyrics mindset box up there). See, this is the 50 who wrote "How To Rob". Has anybody had the dominance this year he's had? Got in on and made Game, then dropped a bunch of singles, now the movie's coming out with this as the lead track off the soundtrack. If it wasn't for him I think the music industry would've officially died this year. Also: Niggerace? HA!
ALBA: "Don't Bother". Shakira. She's hot, the video's funny. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you got to love it when a woman's 4'11" and 3'7" of it is ass.
ALBA: 31, 536, 000. Fuck the failures of the last two years. I got character bios, two major characters with five secondary characters, a bunch of backstory, how I'm doing the opening 4 scenes and the ending. You want me, NaNo? Fuckin' well come and find me. I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of samiches.
ALBA: Block party tomorrow! Am I going to party until 4 and crawl into bed at 5:30 again, screaming at 2:15 the subsequent afternoon when the sun finally breaches my eyes a la Barney Gumble? Probably not. But who can say? Also, did I mention? I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH! *cackles*
ALBA: Team Steve takes the field again tonight. It doesn't matter who we're playing. Victory is ours!
ALBA: Fitzuvus! Oh, and he's still coming, just in case any of you friends of Bush Uber Alles thought you were going to get another wink of sleep for the rest of the year. Bye, Scooter! Really, isn't it past time that Cheney had another heart attack?
BUSH: Mom's unexpected off day means I can't celebrate this with my feet up blaring "I Fought The Law" with a cold 40 of Heineken as expected. Drat.
ALBA: Independent music stores, especially ones where I can get Late Registration for $10. I haven't gotten all the way into it yet, but the "Diamonds" remix is Very Necessary (Hov, for the love of Alba, stop teasing us and drop one more album!), "Touch The Sky" is awesome, and have you heard this song called "Gold Digger"? I think it's going to catch on if it gets any exposure. Plus they have a box set of Smokey Robinson & the Miracles for $30, so my Mom's birthday present next month is set.
ALBA: The new birthday presents I got Aaron, since he had the last one.
ALBA: New jeans for $15. And they're grimy-looking, too. But the preplanned sort of grimy that's hot in the streets right now.
ALBA: Got to pick up my daishiki and polyester pants from the cleaners before I go coach. Thank you, yesterday me, for putting the receipt in the keyboard holder so I'd look at it, wonder what the fuck it was, and then go "Oh, yeah! I should go get that." Way to be looking out, playboy.
BUSH: I left my sunglasses at one of the stores I bought stuff from today. Drat.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Tear It Up" by Yung Wun, DMX, Lil' Flip and David Banner
ALBA: Took my cell bill out back and caught it upside the head with a shovel, thanks to point 1. Then, just to make sure, I hit it a few more times. HA!
ALBA: "Hustler's Ambition", which I've had bumping since this morning when I got it (as evidence by my lyrics mindset box up there). See, this is the 50 who wrote "How To Rob". Has anybody had the dominance this year he's had? Got in on and made Game, then dropped a bunch of singles, now the movie's coming out with this as the lead track off the soundtrack. If it wasn't for him I think the music industry would've officially died this year. Also: Niggerace? HA!
ALBA: "Don't Bother". Shakira. She's hot, the video's funny. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you got to love it when a woman's 4'11" and 3'7" of it is ass.
ALBA: 31, 536, 000. Fuck the failures of the last two years. I got character bios, two major characters with five secondary characters, a bunch of backstory, how I'm doing the opening 4 scenes and the ending. You want me, NaNo? Fuckin' well come and find me. I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of samiches.
ALBA: Block party tomorrow! Am I going to party until 4 and crawl into bed at 5:30 again, screaming at 2:15 the subsequent afternoon when the sun finally breaches my eyes a la Barney Gumble? Probably not. But who can say? Also, did I mention? I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH! *cackles*
ALBA: Team Steve takes the field again tonight. It doesn't matter who we're playing. Victory is ours!
ALBA: Fitzuvus! Oh, and he's still coming, just in case any of you friends of Bush Uber Alles thought you were going to get another wink of sleep for the rest of the year. Bye, Scooter! Really, isn't it past time that Cheney had another heart attack?
BUSH: Mom's unexpected off day means I can't celebrate this with my feet up blaring "I Fought The Law" with a cold 40 of Heineken as expected. Drat.
ALBA: Independent music stores, especially ones where I can get Late Registration for $10. I haven't gotten all the way into it yet, but the "Diamonds" remix is Very Necessary (Hov, for the love of Alba, stop teasing us and drop one more album!), "Touch The Sky" is awesome, and have you heard this song called "Gold Digger"? I think it's going to catch on if it gets any exposure. Plus they have a box set of Smokey Robinson & the Miracles for $30, so my Mom's birthday present next month is set.
ALBA: The new birthday presents I got Aaron, since he had the last one.
ALBA: New jeans for $15. And they're grimy-looking, too. But the preplanned sort of grimy that's hot in the streets right now.
ALBA: Got to pick up my daishiki and polyester pants from the cleaners before I go coach. Thank you, yesterday me, for putting the receipt in the keyboard holder so I'd look at it, wonder what the fuck it was, and then go "Oh, yeah! I should go get that." Way to be looking out, playboy.
BUSH: I left my sunglasses at one of the stores I bought stuff from today. Drat.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Tear It Up" by Yung Wun, DMX, Lil' Flip and David Banner
10/22/05
Steve Will Steve Will Rock You
So, Aaron's softball team is 0-2. Their team name is Steve. (Think about it, if you need to.) He begs me to show up to the game tonight and assistant coach. I say, I suppose I can turn your ragtag bunch of misfits into a team.
Being assisstant coach is awesome, by the way. I got to walk on the field pregame and say things like "There's no I in team, but there is one in victory" and "Let's go, let's see some action out there!", look worried, and then spit. Once the game starts, I get to do more fun stuff. I get to yell "Run like hell!" and then "STOP!" with my hand out like a traffic guard. I get fives and fistpounds, and tell them to hit the ball where they ain't, and yell "Heads up!"
And after they get the lead--blow it--get it back--go and blow it again--then regain it with gusto in an inning where their pitcher came apart faster than Judy Miller in the clink--I get to yell "Hey! We win with class around here, go shake their hands!"
18-13.
Number of wins without me: 0
Number of wins with me: 1
The numbers speak for themselves. Aaron triples my salary. We get pizza afterwards, and in some sort of weird commentary on the state of affairs all the minorities (Lizet, Omar & I) end up at one table with Aaron and all the white folk get the big table. Oh, sure, they got there earlier, but even so. So dinner's going fine, and then Leslie whips her shoe at Lizet and about causes me to Ike her. This sets the tone for the victory party.
Party went on down the block to the Vivianbury, and I drank a bit of the vodka I denied myself last Saturday. The rap station was blaring, all the guys did a little bit of dancing, and Jen did the reel-em-in dance with me twice, which even now is making me laugh. I'm bringing back all the old dances, y'all. Amanda called a little south of sobriety, and hopefully she'll come back down next weekend.
Anyway, fun night.
And that was before Aaron left by virtually giving Leslie a lapdance. Apparently Kelli taught him the value of working the knee and foot area! Right next to Andrew, no less. Boy reminds me of me at that age. And this one. Soon he will be one with the Dark Side. MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!
And I now know which girl from the VBury I want backing me up in a fight. Ghetto peoples rep to the death, son!
Bah. Work in 10 hours.
This post brought to you BAH: Song of the Year contender "Wait" by the Ying Yang Twins
Being assisstant coach is awesome, by the way. I got to walk on the field pregame and say things like "There's no I in team, but there is one in victory" and "Let's go, let's see some action out there!", look worried, and then spit. Once the game starts, I get to do more fun stuff. I get to yell "Run like hell!" and then "STOP!" with my hand out like a traffic guard. I get fives and fistpounds, and tell them to hit the ball where they ain't, and yell "Heads up!"
And after they get the lead--blow it--get it back--go and blow it again--then regain it with gusto in an inning where their pitcher came apart faster than Judy Miller in the clink--I get to yell "Hey! We win with class around here, go shake their hands!"
18-13.
Number of wins without me: 0
Number of wins with me: 1
The numbers speak for themselves. Aaron triples my salary. We get pizza afterwards, and in some sort of weird commentary on the state of affairs all the minorities (Lizet, Omar & I) end up at one table with Aaron and all the white folk get the big table. Oh, sure, they got there earlier, but even so. So dinner's going fine, and then Leslie whips her shoe at Lizet and about causes me to Ike her. This sets the tone for the victory party.
- Many napkins, mostly wet, are winged between tables.
- And pizza crusts.
- I warn Andrew to keep his bitch in check unless he wants crosseyed kids.
- A truce.
- All the minorities breaking the truce by hitting Andrew Fredo-style with the aforementioned napkins.
- Peter makes racist comments and throws all the pepper in the shaker (the spicy pepper, the pimenta moida) at us.
- Lizet whips him in the kidneys with a piece of ice.
- And then, on the way out, Lizet hits Leslie on the arm so hard you can hear a palpable crack.
Party went on down the block to the Vivianbury, and I drank a bit of the vodka I denied myself last Saturday. The rap station was blaring, all the guys did a little bit of dancing, and Jen did the reel-em-in dance with me twice, which even now is making me laugh. I'm bringing back all the old dances, y'all. Amanda called a little south of sobriety, and hopefully she'll come back down next weekend.
Anyway, fun night.
And that was before Aaron left by virtually giving Leslie a lapdance. Apparently Kelli taught him the value of working the knee and foot area! Right next to Andrew, no less. Boy reminds me of me at that age. And this one. Soon he will be one with the Dark Side. MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!
And I now know which girl from the VBury I want backing me up in a fight. Ghetto peoples rep to the death, son!
Bah. Work in 10 hours.
This post brought to you BAH: Song of the Year contender "Wait" by the Ying Yang Twins
10/21/05
AvB: the Original Friday Barometer
ALBA: Cold soda, Pringles.
BUSH: Had to buy new headphones. I think I've had like 3 portable music modules and something like 37,322 pairs of headphones. I don't know why the modules last for two year clips and the headphones die within the month.
ALBA: Really clear headphones, at least--the bass on the Coldcut remix on "Paid In Full" sounded precise, booming, loud.
BUSH: Nothing worse than going to the laundromat on your off Friday and folding your brother's clothes.
BUSH: Until the moment the fucking Titanic song comes on.
ALBA: Good thing I had that best of Marilyn Manson CD in the player...something told me I was going to need that as I headed out of the house...
BUSH: Missing the Bill Simmons book signing tonight. If it was downtown, I would've gone. He originally said it was, but it's actually in Mission Valley; much farther away and keeping me from the thing I'm actually doing tonight...
ALBA: ...rooting on Aaron's softball team. I am sure with me in attendance, they'll actually win.
ALBA: I'm glad to hear he had a metric shitload (technical term) of fun with his 23 party at the V-Bury. I mean, I had fun, but I was surrounded by Regulation Hotties at every turn, drunk off my ass, and high. (Stop judging me with your eyes! Don't tell me how to party--I don't go down to your sister's corner and slap the dick out of her mouth, do I?!) But apparently the attendance was more than he'd hoped, and everything went well. Very, very glad. To quote the best band that never was, I did everything for him at that party except get him laid.
ALBA: Souped-up Office Space DVD out on the day after Halloween. Discount candy, Drew from Accounting. Good day.
ALBA: Coming up with character outlines for the protagonists in the NaNoWriMo novel. I'm sure at some point next month I'll look back on this comment and ruefully chuckle, but I really feel this is a solid foundation for me to "win" this year and not crap out after a few thousand words.
ALBA: Halloween party options for next Friday. And Saturday. And Sunday. And Halloween itself, if I want to get my full-on balling-out-of-control on at On Broadway. Plus, the Vivianbury might have a Hallow's Eve party. I promise to attend no more than 3 of these events. Girls dress up like sluts, loud music, candy--dear God, Pagans rule!
ALBA: Patrick Fitzgerald. I have a man crush on him. He's going to pull Presodent Squinty's heart out through his ass at some point in the next 168 hours. I will be watching on TV, chugging freely from a bottle of grappa, and dancing to the Clash's immortal cover of "I Fought The Law". Leave it to Bush to piss off a guy who graduated top 10 in Harvard Law, who went after the Gambinos in Chicago, started focusing on terrorists after the original WTC attacks in '93, started naming Osama as someone needed to be stopped in 96, who's last decade and a half has focused on intelligence overseas, and who actually can't be bought. Bye, Bye, Rovey! Bye, bye, Judy! Bye, bye, Dickie! Hope all is well, kiss the plantiff and the wifey!
ALBA: If apperances can be believed, my brother's dating a Latina girl. How sad for my mom, I finally get a black chick she might be able to tolerate and now Quay's going to pull this on her. It makes me smile.
ALBA: Gabrielle Union in the new Maxim. I saw her on Conan last night and was stunned to find out she's from Omaha. Say it with me now: they let black people in Nebraska? Since when?
BUSH: I'm missing a pair of jeans, putting my current count at...1. Hmph.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Light Your Ass On Fire" by Busta feat. Pharrell
BUSH: Had to buy new headphones. I think I've had like 3 portable music modules and something like 37,322 pairs of headphones. I don't know why the modules last for two year clips and the headphones die within the month.
ALBA: Really clear headphones, at least--the bass on the Coldcut remix on "Paid In Full" sounded precise, booming, loud.
BUSH: Nothing worse than going to the laundromat on your off Friday and folding your brother's clothes.
BUSH: Until the moment the fucking Titanic song comes on.
ALBA: Good thing I had that best of Marilyn Manson CD in the player...something told me I was going to need that as I headed out of the house...
BUSH: Missing the Bill Simmons book signing tonight. If it was downtown, I would've gone. He originally said it was, but it's actually in Mission Valley; much farther away and keeping me from the thing I'm actually doing tonight...
ALBA: ...rooting on Aaron's softball team. I am sure with me in attendance, they'll actually win.
ALBA: I'm glad to hear he had a metric shitload (technical term) of fun with his 23 party at the V-Bury. I mean, I had fun, but I was surrounded by Regulation Hotties at every turn, drunk off my ass, and high. (Stop judging me with your eyes! Don't tell me how to party--I don't go down to your sister's corner and slap the dick out of her mouth, do I?!) But apparently the attendance was more than he'd hoped, and everything went well. Very, very glad. To quote the best band that never was, I did everything for him at that party except get him laid.
ALBA: Souped-up Office Space DVD out on the day after Halloween. Discount candy, Drew from Accounting. Good day.
ALBA: Coming up with character outlines for the protagonists in the NaNoWriMo novel. I'm sure at some point next month I'll look back on this comment and ruefully chuckle, but I really feel this is a solid foundation for me to "win" this year and not crap out after a few thousand words.
ALBA: Halloween party options for next Friday. And Saturday. And Sunday. And Halloween itself, if I want to get my full-on balling-out-of-control on at On Broadway. Plus, the Vivianbury might have a Hallow's Eve party. I promise to attend no more than 3 of these events. Girls dress up like sluts, loud music, candy--dear God, Pagans rule!
ALBA: Patrick Fitzgerald. I have a man crush on him. He's going to pull Presodent Squinty's heart out through his ass at some point in the next 168 hours. I will be watching on TV, chugging freely from a bottle of grappa, and dancing to the Clash's immortal cover of "I Fought The Law". Leave it to Bush to piss off a guy who graduated top 10 in Harvard Law, who went after the Gambinos in Chicago, started focusing on terrorists after the original WTC attacks in '93, started naming Osama as someone needed to be stopped in 96, who's last decade and a half has focused on intelligence overseas, and who actually can't be bought. Bye, Bye, Rovey! Bye, bye, Judy! Bye, bye, Dickie! Hope all is well, kiss the plantiff and the wifey!
ALBA: If apperances can be believed, my brother's dating a Latina girl. How sad for my mom, I finally get a black chick she might be able to tolerate and now Quay's going to pull this on her. It makes me smile.
ALBA: Gabrielle Union in the new Maxim. I saw her on Conan last night and was stunned to find out she's from Omaha. Say it with me now: they let black people in Nebraska? Since when?
BUSH: I'm missing a pair of jeans, putting my current count at...1. Hmph.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Light Your Ass On Fire" by Busta feat. Pharrell
10/19/05
Aaron's Birthday Party -- In Two Words
started early
gave gift
already had
felt bad
beer run
with teetotaler
always hilarious
especially when
$260 worth
in truck
multiple handles
one keg
got there
set up
got sign
slash card
see jamie?
NO H
people entered
on time
me shocked
I drank
sign signed
party started
I drank
my friends
showed up
didn't mingle
I drank
started mingling
peeps that
I had
missed seeing
all showed
Said 'sup
I said
Just drinking
Hugs exchanged
Getting drunk
Peter had
Fancy pipe
Quality control
Was exerted
it worked
mmm...oregano
Wait! Not!
Feel edges
Dulled, blurred
Good stuff
Merilynn showed
Red streaks
in hair
My response?
I drank
Now high
Cops showed
Barely 1
Fascist pigs
Hung out
Jen chatted
Andrew gone
Leslie gone
Why this?
...oh, right.
Fucked up
Took shots...
...of scene
I drank
Friends back
Aaron kudos'd (kudoed?)
Friends out
Ass out
Passed out
1 hour
My defense
3:30 a.m.
Plus beer
And weed
Makes sleepy
Aaron nudged
I snore
We thanked
Then left
No Denny's
Got home
5 a.m.
Kicked ground
Hooked to
Surge protector
Too drunk
To fix
Before 6
So slept
4 hours
Had glass
of OJ
Slept again
90 minutes
Realized I
Loosed plug
Hooked up
Monitor, mouse
Surge protector
Raspy voiced
Slight headache
Pics later
Good times.
This post is brought to you BAH: "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit
gave gift
already had
felt bad
beer run
with teetotaler
always hilarious
especially when
$260 worth
in truck
multiple handles
one keg
got there
set up
got sign
slash card
see jamie?
NO H
people entered
on time
me shocked
I drank
sign signed
party started
I drank
my friends
showed up
didn't mingle
I drank
started mingling
peeps that
I had
missed seeing
all showed
Said 'sup
I said
Just drinking
Hugs exchanged
Getting drunk
Peter had
Fancy pipe
Quality control
Was exerted
it worked
mmm...oregano
Wait! Not!
Feel edges
Dulled, blurred
Good stuff
Merilynn showed
Red streaks
in hair
My response?
I drank
Now high
Cops showed
Barely 1
Fascist pigs
Hung out
Jen chatted
Andrew gone
Leslie gone
Why this?
...oh, right.
Fucked up
Took shots...
...of scene
I drank
Friends back
Aaron kudos'd (kudoed?)
Friends out
Ass out
Passed out
1 hour
My defense
3:30 a.m.
Plus beer
And weed
Makes sleepy
Aaron nudged
I snore
We thanked
Then left
No Denny's
Got home
5 a.m.
Kicked ground
Hooked to
Surge protector
Too drunk
To fix
Before 6
So slept
4 hours
Had glass
of OJ
Slept again
90 minutes
Realized I
Loosed plug
Hooked up
Monitor, mouse
Surge protector
Raspy voiced
Slight headache
Pics later
Good times.
This post is brought to you BAH: "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit
10/16/05
Jessica & the Albaettes: October '05
Fun question: what do you think the odds are I'd change the #1 before...let's say the end of the decade?
Spotlight on Donna Feldman.
YOU'LL NEVER BE MY ONLY ONE, TRICK ASS BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!:
Kelly Hu (34), Kitana Baker (37), Leeann Tweeden (39), Maria Menounos (40)
40) Alyssa Milano (last month 30)
39) Mya (36)
38) Gabrielle Union (debut)
37) Ali Landry (re-entry)
36) Jenny McCarthy (debut)
35) Lacey Chabert (32)
34) Charisma Carpenter (debut)
33) Esther Baxter (28)
32) Adriana Lima (23)
31) Rebecca Romijn (35)
30) Nikki Cox (27)
29) Pam Anderson (38)
28) Jessica Simpson-Brungardt (33)
27) Katherine Heigl (24)
26) K.D. Aubert (25)
25) Shannon Elizabeth (18)
24) Elizabeth Hurley (29)
23) Monica Bellucci (31)
22) Sarah Shahi (21)
21) Jennifer Walcott (20)
20) Rachel Bilson (15)
19) Kristanna Loken (22)
18) Beyonce (14)
17) Vida Guerra (10)
16) Carmen Electra (19)
15) Jessica Biel (26)
14) Kim Smith (14)
13) Sofia Vergara (12)
12) Josie Maran (11)
11) Summer Altice (13)
halleBERRY (17)
jenniferloveHEWITT (9)
stacyKEIBLER (6)
salmaHAYEK (8)
SHAKIRA (7)
brookeBURKE (5)
evaLONGORIA (4)
angelinaJOLIE (3)
trishSTRATUS (2)
...
...line?
This post brought to you BAH: "Motivation" by Sum 41
Spotlight on Donna Feldman.
YOU'LL NEVER BE MY ONLY ONE, TRICK ASS BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!:
Kelly Hu (34), Kitana Baker (37), Leeann Tweeden (39), Maria Menounos (40)
40) Alyssa Milano (last month 30)
39) Mya (36)
38) Gabrielle Union (debut)
37) Ali Landry (re-entry)
36) Jenny McCarthy (debut)
35) Lacey Chabert (32)
34) Charisma Carpenter (debut)
33) Esther Baxter (28)
32) Adriana Lima (23)
31) Rebecca Romijn (35)
30) Nikki Cox (27)
29) Pam Anderson (38)
28) Jessica Simpson-Brungardt (33)
27) Katherine Heigl (24)
26) K.D. Aubert (25)
25) Shannon Elizabeth (18)
24) Elizabeth Hurley (29)
23) Monica Bellucci (31)
22) Sarah Shahi (21)
21) Jennifer Walcott (20)
20) Rachel Bilson (15)
19) Kristanna Loken (22)
18) Beyonce (14)
17) Vida Guerra (10)
16) Carmen Electra (19)
15) Jessica Biel (26)
14) Kim Smith (14)
13) Sofia Vergara (12)
12) Josie Maran (11)
11) Summer Altice (13)
halleBERRY (17)
jenniferloveHEWITT (9)
stacyKEIBLER (6)
salmaHAYEK (8)
SHAKIRA (7)
brookeBURKE (5)
evaLONGORIA (4)
angelinaJOLIE (3)
trishSTRATUS (2)
...
...line?
This post brought to you BAH: "Motivation" by Sum 41
10/15/05
KWBR
UNDERNEATH IT ALL:
"Middle Of Nowhere" (10)
"Don't Cha" (13)
15) Fall Out Boy ¤ Sugar, We're Going Down (11)
14) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (12)
13) Alicia Keys ¤ Unbreakable (14)*
12) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (9)
11) Common ¤ Testify (15)*
10) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That? (debut)
09) All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (7)
08) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (6)
07) Green Day ¤ Wake Me Up When September Ends (8)*
06) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (4)
05) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (debut)
04) David Banner ¤ Play (3)
03) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (5)*
02) 50 Cent feat. Mobb Deep ¤ Outta Control [remix] (2)*
01) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1)[2m]
This post brought to you BAH: "Unpretty" by TLC
"Middle Of Nowhere" (10)
"Don't Cha" (13)
15) Fall Out Boy ¤ Sugar, We're Going Down (11)
14) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (12)
13) Alicia Keys ¤ Unbreakable (14)*
12) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (9)
11) Common ¤ Testify (15)*
10) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That? (debut)
09) All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (7)
08) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (6)
07) Green Day ¤ Wake Me Up When September Ends (8)*
06) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (4)
05) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (debut)
04) David Banner ¤ Play (3)
03) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (5)*
02) 50 Cent feat. Mobb Deep ¤ Outta Control [remix] (2)*
01) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1)[2m]
This post brought to you BAH: "Unpretty" by TLC
10/14/05
AvB: Friday Night State of the Butch Address
ALBA: Peanuts? Caramel? Either the Mars Corporation's picked up my option, or it's Payday!
ALBA: Done with the bank debt, and shaved some off the cell.
ALBA: "Can I Have It Like That" by Pharrell & Gwen, which is probably going to debut in the top 15 tomorrow. One day Pharrell's going to just go straight a capella and that track is going to be #1 for months.
ALBA: I actually heard "Date Rape" twice today, my favorite song in the Sublime catalogue. I'm lucky if I get to hear it once a year.
BUSH: They bleeped behind? WTF?!
ALBA: Off for the weekend, even though I had to call for it by claiming I was going through arthroscopic surgery to replace my torn vulva.
ALBA: 80°, a few clouds, and a breeze. How you livin'?
ALBA: the Complete Calvin & Hobbes is out! It's like 600 pages of Wattersonian goodness! *Homer drool*
BUSH: $150?! $150?! Does Borders have layaway?! Who does a brother have to suck off to get that down to four digits?
ALBA: Aaron's birthday party. He's going to enjoy the present I got him, he's going to enjoy the Vivianbury being kind enough to host this sort of main-event shindig, and more important, he's going to have his choice of any chick in the joint. Assuming they're not into me, and who could blame them, really?
ALBA: Two weeks until I hit the Gaslamp's Block Party for Halloween or go to my friend Dustin's sister's Heidi's gig she's got going on at Galileo 101 across the street from work the night after that and Halloween Eve. Decisions must considered and carefully weighed; they're both a celebration, bitches.
ALBA: NaNoWriMo. I think the idea I had for 31, 536,000--the long-time friends who get drunk and hook up with each other on New Year's and the ensuing year that follows in their relationship--may be the perfect vehicle to do it, and actually finish.
BUSH: My parents are back from their anniversary vacation. I was getting used to running the house (i.e., chatting online while my brother watched the ALCS).
ALBA: Alba. Seriously. "Didn't I post that yesterday"? Butch hears ya. Butch don't care.
This post brought to you BAH: "Snoop Dogg" by...well...
ALBA: Done with the bank debt, and shaved some off the cell.
ALBA: "Can I Have It Like That" by Pharrell & Gwen, which is probably going to debut in the top 15 tomorrow. One day Pharrell's going to just go straight a capella and that track is going to be #1 for months.
ALBA: I actually heard "Date Rape" twice today, my favorite song in the Sublime catalogue. I'm lucky if I get to hear it once a year.
BUSH: They bleeped behind? WTF?!
ALBA: Off for the weekend, even though I had to call for it by claiming I was going through arthroscopic surgery to replace my torn vulva.
ALBA: 80°, a few clouds, and a breeze. How you livin'?
ALBA: the Complete Calvin & Hobbes is out! It's like 600 pages of Wattersonian goodness! *Homer drool*
BUSH: $150?! $150?! Does Borders have layaway?! Who does a brother have to suck off to get that down to four digits?
ALBA: Aaron's birthday party. He's going to enjoy the present I got him, he's going to enjoy the Vivianbury being kind enough to host this sort of main-event shindig, and more important, he's going to have his choice of any chick in the joint. Assuming they're not into me, and who could blame them, really?
ALBA: Two weeks until I hit the Gaslamp's Block Party for Halloween or go to my friend Dustin's sister's Heidi's gig she's got going on at Galileo 101 across the street from work the night after that and Halloween Eve. Decisions must considered and carefully weighed; they're both a celebration, bitches.
ALBA: NaNoWriMo. I think the idea I had for 31, 536,000--the long-time friends who get drunk and hook up with each other on New Year's and the ensuing year that follows in their relationship--may be the perfect vehicle to do it, and actually finish.
BUSH: My parents are back from their anniversary vacation. I was getting used to running the house (i.e., chatting online while my brother watched the ALCS).
ALBA: Alba. Seriously. "Didn't I post that yesterday"? Butch hears ya. Butch don't care.
This post brought to you BAH: "Snoop Dogg" by...well...
10/13/05
10/11/05
You Could Have It So Much Better With...Anybody
Reprinted from Salon:
Just like a woman
Thousands of men are shelling out $6,500 for hyper-realistic dolls that answer all their needs -- and don't talk back.
By Meghan Laslocky
Just like a woman
Thousands of men are shelling out $6,500 for hyper-realistic dolls that answer all their needs -- and don't talk back.
By Meghan Laslocky
Oct. 11, 2005 | Davecat keeps a picture of his girlfriend in his wallet. She's pretty, with long black hair, an alluring mole under her left eye, and glossy red lipstick. Her sheer tank top shows off her full breasts and the hoop through her left nipple.
Ask Davecat about Sidore -- pronounced She-doh-ray -- and he'll tell you she's everything that turns him on: beautiful, loyal, a great listener. Si-chan, as he affectionately calls her, is half British, half Japanese, which is nice because he's always had a thing for both British and Japanese culture. Even their clothing style and taste in music is simpatico -- they're both Goths.
Like many born in the sun sign Cancer, Sidore is a homebody, but then, she couldn't leave the comfort of the bed she shares with Davecat even if she wanted to because Sidore is a 100-pound solid silicone Real Doll.
Go ahead. Flinch at the notion of a man having sex with an imitation woman and classify him: lonely loser. Pathological creep. Misogynist. Potential rapist. Sicko. True enough, some men who have sex with Real Dolls are creepy, the kind of guys you wouldn't want to be alone with. But not all. Many are simply lonely -- some tragically so. Others are disfigured or infirm. Some are oddly sweet, like Davecat, for whom a Real Doll is a "teddy bear with benefits." And others proclaim their normalcy and defend their Real Dolls as no different than a 3-D version of a Playboy centerfold.
Many doll lovers -- or "iDollators," as some of them call themselves -- participate in a confusing online subculture where the lines between art and pornography, the ludicrous and the tender, and fantasy and fetishism blur like watercolors. Spend time talking to Real Doll aficionados as I have over the past year, and you come to understand that behind every Real Doll is a man with a reason.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Sidore and her plastic sisters are like Barbies dosed with growth hormones and plumbed with orifices (three). While there are other brands of deluxe love dolls, dolls like Sidore are considered head and breasts above their competitors because of their quality and realism. At the Real Doll Web site you can choose among nine body types, 14 faces, five skin tones, six eye colors, a palette of makeup colors, 10 wigs, and three different pubic hair styles. Save your pennies, and for $6,499 plus shipping, you can have your very own synthetic woman sent directly to your home.
......................
Thirty-two-year-old Davecat is no basement perv. Garrulous and imaginative, he affects a British manner that comes across in e-mails, on his Web site, and in the word choices -- "arse," "bloke," "fecking" -- he uses in our many telephone conversations. Davecat is African-American, lives in Detroit, and is studying to become a court reporter.
When Davecat was a child in a department store, his mother emerged from a dressing room to find him talking to a mannequin who was wearing a short tennis skirt. "I was trying to chat her up," he says. "I remember the beauty of her stillness." With Sidore, he's gotten past just chatting: "I like having her in bed beside me, holding her, cuddling her," he tells me. "I like to sleep with my doll. I'll be blunt: She's a girlfriend."
..............
Davecat admits that Si-chan's personality is not without flaws. He thinks she might be manic-depressive because she's "relentlessly perky at times" but also, given the amount of time she spends in bed, prone to narcolepsy and laziness. But generally, she doesn't disappoint. Davecat imagines that she's open-minded, a bit sarcastic, an artistic intellectual who, were she real, would walk around with Sylvia Plath books under her arm and go out drinking and dancing with her girlfriends. In short, Si-chan is a girl who Davecat thinks he could never meet. "If I were to go to a bar and try some pick-up lines, the chances of coming home with someone like her are highly unlikely," he says. "No real woman seems to think I'm good enough for them."
Aside from Sidore, Davecat has never officially dated anyone. He compares his interaction with women to a bodily reaction, something over which he has no control, much as he wishes that he could meet a woman who breathes. "People who are allergic to roses can enjoy artificial roses," he says. "In the same way, artificial women serve the same purpose for men who are, in whatever way, allergic to real women."
Let this be a reminder to my boys out there: being single isn't a kiss of death, providing you keep your dignity and wit at some point.
Besides, once I get those Jolie clones going after my ascension to the Presidency in '16, I'll be running way better software than these guys.
10/7/05
AvB: Friday State of the Rosser Address
ALBA: New haircut. Instead of bouncing from Donovan McNabb to Donald Faison I've sort of got a fade going on. Little love patch on the front, Brazilian on the sides. Just how I like my ladies. [Quagmire]OH![/Quagmire]
BUSH: The notices my bank sent me. I think once they've established that I'm online, and that I frequently check my account (at least weekly), the use of paper--especially considering they're a block away--is sort of counterproductive and stupid. But what do I know?
ALBA: My friend Abby's not too mad at me for crashing out last Sunday and missing her birthday party. I wanted to go--it was in Hillcrest with karoake--but instead of coming home, changing, and going, I fell asleep until quarter to midnight. If it's any consolation to her, I missed Desperate Housewives.
ALBA: Veronica Mars! Yes, I'm still hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hating on all of you for leaving me in the lurch about that. I think it's the new Buffy, and just like Buffy I sort of want to gently cuddle the hell out of the cute blonde lead (some voice in Kentucky: KRISTEN BELL! Her name is KRISTEN BELL, you Willow-girlfriend meeting fucktwat!) and fuck Charisma Carpenter until it's a new year.
ALBA: Got to go downtown tomorrow night. Padres game is at 8, so either way it's an excuse to drink (yay! "we're" still alive! boo! It's all over!) and go check the scene. Besides...
ALBA: Next Saturday's Aaron's birthday party. I don't want to make the young lad blush, but the guest list looks like a bootleg Grotto. And my nickname will be Otto, and I loooooooove to get blotto!
ALBA: "Do You Want To"; I love the first 20 seconds sounds like the Beatles and then all of a sudden the whole thing implodes and you get the Franz Ferdinandy goodness.
BUSH: I'm hungry, but since I had to walk all day I'm quite comfortable sitting in this chair and working a groove into it for a little while longer, rumbles or no.
BUSH: Friday nights are a TV wasteland. And it's too late for me to go watch Aaron's softball team. Lousy Fridays.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses version 1
BUSH: The notices my bank sent me. I think once they've established that I'm online, and that I frequently check my account (at least weekly), the use of paper--especially considering they're a block away--is sort of counterproductive and stupid. But what do I know?
ALBA: My friend Abby's not too mad at me for crashing out last Sunday and missing her birthday party. I wanted to go--it was in Hillcrest with karoake--but instead of coming home, changing, and going, I fell asleep until quarter to midnight. If it's any consolation to her, I missed Desperate Housewives.
ALBA: Veronica Mars! Yes, I'm still hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hating on all of you for leaving me in the lurch about that. I think it's the new Buffy, and just like Buffy I sort of want to gently cuddle the hell out of the cute blonde lead (some voice in Kentucky: KRISTEN BELL! Her name is KRISTEN BELL, you Willow-girlfriend meeting fucktwat!) and fuck Charisma Carpenter until it's a new year.
ALBA: Got to go downtown tomorrow night. Padres game is at 8, so either way it's an excuse to drink (yay! "we're" still alive! boo! It's all over!) and go check the scene. Besides...
ALBA: Next Saturday's Aaron's birthday party. I don't want to make the young lad blush, but the guest list looks like a bootleg Grotto. And my nickname will be Otto, and I loooooooove to get blotto!
ALBA: "Do You Want To"; I love the first 20 seconds sounds like the Beatles and then all of a sudden the whole thing implodes and you get the Franz Ferdinandy goodness.
BUSH: I'm hungry, but since I had to walk all day I'm quite comfortable sitting in this chair and working a groove into it for a little while longer, rumbles or no.
BUSH: Friday nights are a TV wasteland. And it's too late for me to go watch Aaron's softball team. Lousy Fridays.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N' Roses version 1
10/6/05
10/5/05
You All Suck
Why didn't somebody--anybody--tell me how good Veronica Mars is?
Finks! The lot of you, finks!
This post is brought to you BAH: "Where Is My Mind?" by the Pixies
Finks! The lot of you, finks!
This post is brought to you BAH: "Where Is My Mind?" by the Pixies
10/2/05
Jabs.
130 and 142 in the bowling.
Into the Blue was all right. She was in a bikini or Daisy Dukes for all of it, so the Sin City exposure was better but this went on longer. Pick accordingly.
This po is brought to you BAH: "Everlong" by Foo Fighters
Into the Blue was all right. She was in a bikini or Daisy Dukes for all of it, so the Sin City exposure was better but this went on longer. Pick accordingly.
This po is brought to you BAH: "Everlong" by Foo Fighters
10/1/05
KWBR
DRY YOUR EYES:
"All These Things That I've Done" (10)
"Only" (11)
"Pimpin All Over The World" (14)
15) Common ¤ Testify (debut)
14) Alicia Keys ¤ Unbreakable (debut)
13) Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes ¤ Don't Cha (3)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (12)
11) Fall Out Boy ¤ Sugar, We're Going Down (6)
10) Hot Hot Heat ¤ Middle Of Nowhere (15)*
09) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) (debut)
08) Green Day ¤ Wake Me Up When September Ends (9)*
07) All American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (13)*
06) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (2)
05) White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (7)*
04) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (8)*
03) David Banner ¤ Play (4)*
02) 50 Cent feat. Mobb Deep ¤ Outta Control (remix) (5)*
01) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1) [6w]
This post is brought to you BAH: "Freedom" by Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five
"All These Things That I've Done" (10)
"Only" (11)
"Pimpin All Over The World" (14)
15) Common ¤ Testify (debut)
14) Alicia Keys ¤ Unbreakable (debut)
13) Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes ¤ Don't Cha (3)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (12)
11) Fall Out Boy ¤ Sugar, We're Going Down (6)
10) Hot Hot Heat ¤ Middle Of Nowhere (15)*
09) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) (debut)
08) Green Day ¤ Wake Me Up When September Ends (9)*
07) All American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (13)*
06) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (2)
05) White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (7)*
04) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (8)*
03) David Banner ¤ Play (4)*
02) 50 Cent feat. Mobb Deep ¤ Outta Control (remix) (5)*
01) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1) [6w]
This post is brought to you BAH: "Freedom" by Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five
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