State of Disorientation Address

WHOO I GOTS A WEEK OFF! Last year, I was working the 40th anniversary Narcotics Anonymous from 5 pm to 2 am so I'm damn grateful for this. I do believe a partAy or 3 is imminent.

You know what? Something ASCTR just...isn't doing it for me no more. Should I change the name? And to what?

(Already rejected: Rosserheit 2/79)

Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"

From the Home Office In Two Months And We're Outta Here

Second verse, same as the first...

[10] D12 => My Band (7)
[09] Kanye West => All Falls Down (5)
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (8)*
[07] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (6)
[06] the Darkness => Growing On Me (10)*

[05] Outkast => Roses (4)
[04] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)

[03] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (9)**

[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (2)*

[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (1) [1m]

Ambient music: the Wallflowers' "Sixth Avenue Heartache"

Catch You On The Flip Side, Dudemeisters

They're fumigating the joint, which means I won't be back until Thursday night.

The Palahaniuk book was ****, Bochco was the full monty. It's hard to read something really good while you try to do a novel of your own, but I think you need to get knocked on your ass by the goodness of something in order to fuel your desire to do something whatever percentile as good as that.

Jesus Smirked is back from the 30-day DL and huntpecking along towards the big reveal press conference, at which point I stupidly expect the thing to half-write itself.

Changed the countdown accordingly.

Tip your veal, try your waitress, and when I leave come together like buttcheeks.

Ambient music: Sex Pistols' "God Save The Queen"

This Is the Running First Anniversary Noise That Keeps Me Awake

==> Goddamn, I hate me some computer right now. Ever since late last week, every time I've been on this thing has been an experience of building character. That's adult for fucking sucks. Riddled with problems, shit just quitting on me in mid-use. I've ran Spybot but that doesn't seem to be stopping things from sneaking into Program Files and whatnot. All the stuff in the CTL+ALT+DEL menu hasn't responded since 2002 right now. *sigh*

=> Nothing says a year of work like five straight days off.

=> Screw you, Randy Orton! I had that same front on my Keith Scott Zimmerman MARK ADVISORY EXPLICIT WORKRATE shirt last summer! On the other hand, I am all about the newest installment of shirt-wearing Mattitude.

=> Evolution was hilarious last night. Batista giving Eugene the thumbs-up just killed me for some reason. Ric Flair greets new friends the way I greet new friends! The Pedigree tease was perfectly done, too.

=> How come one of the major networks (by which I mean whoever's in 3rd) hasn't adopted the "start part of the new season in the summer" tactic to get new viewers?

=> The passing of Ralph Wiley was highly depressing, as I looked up to him as a unique voice with his own style who was knowledgeable about a subject but in a way you didn't have to be a diehard to follow along. Maybe just because I wanted to do what he did, but still. Condolences to all affected by him and especially his family.

=> This half-segues into my hatred for the healthy lifestyle. He ran a lot, seemed to be in perfect shape, had been on a radio show a day earlier, boom! Heart attack! And he was 53. Look, not to get too exisistential in what has become the playground of my mind, but if you're going to die, you're going to die, and getting bread-less hamburgers and half-assed Ben & Jerry's isn't going to do shit to stop it. Like Emeril says, "Life's too short to drink bad wine."

=> Kate Beckinsale is SO underrated.

---------------------------------------
=> I think we just had an earthquake. Everything was moving around a little for 15 seconds and then just stopped. Weird. First quake I haven't slept through and I've been out here since I was forming coherent thought.

=> The Reno 911 commericals own you, and you motherbitches know the ones I'm talking about.

=> Nobody else'll say it? I will: "I'm Rick James, bitch.": The Movie has the potential to be this generation's This Is Spinal Tap.

=> If you don't like the big-ass peanut butter cups, I don't know ya.

---------------------------------------
=> Watching Season 7 Buffy, I can only think one thing: heh, Kennedy smells like tangerines.

=> And I'm off to Tijuana! If the Lakers win, a fesitve sombrero. Should they lose, my body weight in Corona. Back later, vatos...

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=> Damn, Mexico rules.

=> I took a few pictures and now hopefully I can upload the digicam software properly. Just a few boring shots of Yes The Border Is 10 Minutes From Home. But still!

=> Let me tell you what rules about Mexico: the conversion rate. 11 pesos to the buck. So I got to see Harry Potter for $5 at 7:30 at night. It ruled. (Innovative deux ex machina that actually made sense. Plus, Hermoine is going to be the New Hotness in '08. Ya heard.) I got popcorn for $2.50--a big ass thing I couldn't even finish--and the guy working the counter wanted to know where I got my bomb-ass Stewie Griffin VICTORY IS MINE jacket. Then, I got 12 bottles of the sweet nectar known as a bottled Mexican Coca-Cola...

...for $4.32. THIRTY FIVE DAMN CENTS A BOTTLE! I can't even buy a freaking newspaper anymore for 35 but I got sweet, sweet sodas! And they were selling rifles in the damn aisle! RIFLES! Unbelievable. Oh, and I got hassled coming back from the border, due to my notorious coyote days. But THIRTY FIVE CENTS! DAMN!

=> In regards to Game 5, :(

So, there it was, the anniversary. Later days.

Ambient music: Domino's "Sweet Potato Pie"

Bill Murray would be proud. Kingpin Bill, not Garfield Bill.

That's right, motherbitches, another bowling update du jour:

106, 138, 107, 101.

The roll is still on, but let me delve into that opening 106 a little more.

I went with a couple friends from work, and it's the tenth frame and I'm down almost 20. I've had a bad game by the new standards and my friend Aaron's up. So, I go through my routine (which will stay TOP SECRET without payment), and fire.

Strike.

I feel good.

I lock the gun up again, aim, fire.

And suddenly I feel a wave of something that's not nausea, right as the pins at the end of the lane go down in a heap as if struck by a sky blue wrecking ball. And the girls are hooting, and he's looking nervous, and Oliver Sudden I know I have his lunch money. "Are you ready?" I ask him. "Are you ready to call me Vin Diesel?" He's shaking his head.

Back at it.

Release.

Rotation.

Splash.

X.

X.

X.

That's right, your friendly local neighborhood Negro came from behind to win a game with three strikes in the 10th. Bow. HARD.

Ambient music: Green Day's cover of "Tired Of Waiting For You"

From the Secret Office A Court-Ordered 51 Feet Away At All Times (bastards)

Past tense: "Naughty Girl", 8; "Leave (Get Out)", 10

[10] the Darkness => Growing On Me (debut)*
[09] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (debut)*
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (9)*
[07] D12 => My Band (5)
[06] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (7)*

[05] Kanye West => All Falls Down (4)
[04] Outkast => Roses (1)

[03] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)

[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (6)*

[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (2) [2w]

Ambient music: Forest for the Trees' "Dream"

Best. MTV. Movie Awards. Ever.

I'm assuming, from a few pictures that've leaked. 'Cause great googily MOOGILY. Sneakers, athletic socks, the shorty short shorts...no wonder I love watching that number up there drop.

Nice to have SOMETHING I liked about today.

Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"

"I'm not crying! It's dusty in here! Damn...locksmith!"

Jon Stewart's William & Mary commencement address speech:

Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.

My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.

I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.

I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.

I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.

I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.

But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.

Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.

Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.

I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.

But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.

We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.

But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?

I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work, thank you for the reference.

So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.

In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.

In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.

And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.

So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.

I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.

When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.

And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”

And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”

Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night."

Gimme the Countdown

10 bands you've been listening to a lot lately:
Massive Attack
N.E.R.D.
Elvis Costello & the Attractions
Led Zeppelin
R.E.M.
Linkin Park
Notorious B.I.G.
the Clash
AC/DC
Nirvana

9 things you look forward to:
tomorrow, when I'm off
the NBA Finals
going to Vegas in August
the annual summer bonfire
seeing the new Harry Potter
the throwback Erving jersey in the mail
the Fourth of July, assuming I'm not working again
finishing the novel
moving out

8 things you like to wear:
black Stewie Griffin "VICTORY IS MINE" jacket
this bucket Lakers cap I got on sale for $6
jeans
Office Space shirt--"excuse me...I believe you have my stapler..."
throwback Jordan Bullets/Wizards jersey
throwback Braves cap
Guess watch
los lentes de sol

7 things that annoy you:
shifts where I get the same question or two over and over
getting interrupted by my mom when I'm talking to a friend or doing something fun and never when I'm like listening to the radio or reading
working on a nice day
Bush
my annual week-after-school's-over cold
people all happy and dating and crap

6 things you say most days:
"Aren't I just the luckiest Who in Whoville?"
"Six of one, a dozen of the other."
"Nuttin. Just chillin'."
"Black delegation requests Eminem."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute."
"The word of the day is...(sequoia or bookkeeper, followed with why)"

5 things you do every day:
read something
write something
leave the house, even if it's just to the store up the block
text message friends
shower

4 people you want to spend more time with:
Cristal, even though we broke up, I know the end of the school year's driving her nuts
Nate Dogg, who in a perfect world would be the wingman in the Summer of Butch
Dustin, who's whole married with children thing has ruined his life (heh heh heh)
Jessica Alba, for obvious reasons

3 movies you could watch over and over again:
Shawshank Redemption
Office Space
Scrooged

2 of your favorite songs at the moment:
Jay-Z's "99 Problems"
Led Zeppelin's "Travelling Riverside Blues"

1 person you could spend the rest of your life:
If I knew that, I'd be a lot happier...

Ambient music: 2Pac's "All About U"

Starfuckers Inc., June '04

Dropped: Vida Guerra (10), Lucy Liu (23), Halle Berry (24), Stacy Keibler (25)

25) Gabrielle Union (debut)
24) Rachel Bilson (19, peak 10)
23) Alyssa Milano (re-entry, p12)
22) Monica Bellucci (debut)
21) Cameron Diaz (15, p12)

20) Britney Spears (22, p14)
19) Carmen Electra (16, p5)
18) Gail Kim (18, p18)
17) Heidi Klum (17, p10)
16) Kristanna Loken (11, p11)
15) Christina Aguilera (20, p6)
14) Josie Maran (13, p13)
13) Maria Menounos (debut)
12) Anna Kournikova (8, p7)
11) Jamie Pressly (12, p7)

10) Sofia Vergara (22, p8)
09) Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08) Beyonce Knowles (6, p4)
07) Victoria (7, p7)
06) Lindsay Lohan (14, p6)

05) Adriana Lima (5, p5)
04) Trish Stratus (2, p1)
03) Angelina Jolie (4, p3)
02) Jessica Alba (1, p1)
01) Brooke Burke (3)

Ambient music: Garbage's "When I Grow Up"

We Can't Rewind, We've Gone Too Far...

Things like this get bizarre blogs their names:

Sunday, I went to the pimpest club downtown. It was either that or see Digital Underground (MOTHERFUCKING HUMPTY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) and since DU didn't have a bikini show, they lost.

Anyway, as I'm working on my fifth Heineken, I come from the downstairs portion to the upstairs and the show begins. DJ's mixing, women who'd make me sell my family to the Klan to get them into bed doing their thing in bikinis, it's all crystal gravy in theory. But there's this noise, and I can't figure it out. I'm almost positive I'm not that drunk yet. It's not part of the songs, it's not the people up front cheering. So, when the fifth model comes out, I look around.

The sound I'm hearing is a low whoosh caused by 25-30 guys around me all putting their arms up in the air at once. And since this isn't an auction (sadly), their arms are all going up in the air at once because they're shooting their cell phones in the air, taking pictures, saving, repeat. It's a good thing it only went 20 minutes because otherwise the medical community probably would've had to invent Bikini Model Capture Elbow for these guys. Then again, it helped me realize why you lay out the extra cash for the camera option.

Ambient music: Sheryl Crow covering "D'yer Maker" unplugged