From The Home Office In Martha Stewart's Lovely Cell Block

Also Receiving Votes: "Stacy's Mom" (4), "Feelin' This", "Holidae In", "Weak & Powerless", "It's My Life"

[10] R.E.M., "Bad Day" (1)
[09] Coldplay, "Moses (live)" (NR)*
[08] Linkin Park, "Faint" (9)*
[07] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (7)
[06] Big Boi f. Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move" (6)*

[05] Michelle Branch, "Breathe" (5)*
[04] Kelis, "Milkshake" (8)**

[03] Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Fortune Faded" (NR)*

[02] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (2)

[01] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (3) [2w]

Also Dropped: "La La La (Excuse Me Again)", 10

Currently playing: Coldplay's "Warning Sign"

"It's Christmas time in Hollis, Queens/Mama's cookin' chicken and collard greens..."

1) Jessica Alba
2) 15 gig iTunes
3) Playstation 2 (hey, shut up, I was poor for 2 years)
4) a happening jersey (I assure you, you don't want me to get into The List. Something from Mitchell & Ness or Nike Rewind)
5) Family Guy DVDs (any season)
6) Simpsons, season 3
7) something for the GC I'm getting my brother
8) Jessica Alba. In fact, that's also 9 & 10.

Currently playing: the Wallflowers' "Bleeders"

"There's one thing I hate about San Diego. How can anyone be depressed? You have 70 degrees outside and 10 straight weeks with the sun. You're depressed?! Fuck you! If you're depressed here, it's your own fucking fault!"

OK, everything from my neck up is in pain. But a good--f--great kind of pain. I mean I haven't felt this good about anything in so long thinking back is making my headache.

So here you go, the review of Comedy Central Live.

First off, they decide for maximum effect they must hold this congregation in the fancy-schmaniest place in town. So you have a bunch of twentysomethings all crawling into this joint that like hosts An Evening With Graham Nash type stuff so I can hear some guy go "Of course Kobe didn't know how to rape that girl--he didn't go to college!" I asked the guy next to me "When's the Pope coming out to deliver the Mass?". THAT fancy. I mean, Roman architecture, high ceilings, chandeliers, tortured visages lining the walls!

In retrospect, I should've bought a tape recorder.

Secondly, for the first time in recorded history (hello, sarcasm, my old friend...) every single hot girl is dating some guy. Literally, it was like how I see the world anyways except magnified writ large. If I could've found a hot single girl laughing through Lewis Black's rant against the Bottled Water Conspiracy I'm pretty sure I could've found some late-night place downtown to elope with 'em. I may even be kidding.

So after a quick run to the ATM, I buy the new Lewis Black CD and the shirt (The Good--Hedberg, The Bad--Lewis, & The Fugly--Attell). Ironically enough, Black's new CD is called the End of the Universe, about the spot in Houston where there's a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks. I say that because not fifteen minutes ago I passed the end of the universe in our town, and it's the same thing. One's in a mall, and the one across the street is a drive-through. There's a pic of the Houston one on the CD. The End of the Universe is LESS THAN SIX BLOCKS FROM MY HOUSE.

The opening opening act gets out there. I've never seen him before but he does a funny Kobe riff about how Kobe raped that girl, made him kiss his dick, and made sure she spelled his name right: T I M D U N C A N. He's got to settle down the noisy jackasses in the balcony cheap seats because he's not A Name. For the first time I am not one of them. Eighth row. This stunned me. Crazy.

So, anyhow, he blows through 10 minutes (about half Kobe-related), and he's good. Then, he introduces Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch Hedberg comes out to "In Da Club". That's right, because when I think 50, I think Mitch Hedberg. For the unknowing (and shame on your monkey ass times a double)watching Mitch Hedberg's act is like watching the Big Lebowski do standup. He does the old school "Smokey is way more intense in person" and the part about knocking on the wall, and tells a joke twice. He fucks up a couple times and we all roar. He's hilarious, and his 20 blows by and I'm ready to anoint him Funniest Motherfucker Alive.

This is what Dave Attell says to that: YOINK.

The warmup act literally said about six sentences and brought out Dave Attell to Missy's "Work It". See appropriate comments above with Mitch and replace accordingly. Dave, what do you think about women having alternate ways of stimulation?

"Why are guys afraid of vibrators? Can you cuddle with a vibrator? Will a vibrator pay for your abortion? Does a vibrator come in your face and make sure you have a hot cloth to wipe it off with afterwards? No. So don't worry about it."

30 minutes of that. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner by unanimous decision and NEW Funniest Motherfu hup hup hup hup hup hup hup hup!

Wha...

Tha...

THAT'S "BACK IN BLACK"

OH, MY GOD!

LEWIS BLACK IS HERE! AND HE'S GONNA FIGHT!

Watching Lewis Black do an hour--an hour--of standup is in some way like the dreams I have about Jessica Alba come to life. He gets a semi-standing ovation and immediately freaks out.

95% new stuff too, just like Dave & Mitch. I mean, he went on a tirade on bottled water for the second half of the show. I couldn't stop laughing. I'd be laughing from one joke, then a new punchline would hit about the nutrition facts and hey since my mouth's hanging open already...

There's an Arnold rant at the end, and he's calmly going insane and bitchslapping the idiots in the balcony and he's wondering what happened to the deficit and how if you're going to fly to New Zealand for 22 hours they could at least speak a different language...you get the idea.

An hour of Lewis Black. Hey, he's the reigning stand-up comedian of the year, so, Dave, give him his belt.

"'Show your tits?' I expect that in Los Angeles. Not here in San Diego."

Yeah, I'm sorry I'm not doing this the tiniest bit of justice and I really should've snuck in a tape recorder. My fault.

So basically this ruled the free world, those commie fucks, the Taliban, the cute koala bear infestation Mitch had (way better than cockroaches), and everything ever in perpetuity throughout the universe forever and ever amen.

If you didn't know before, steal the mp3 and FIND. THE HELL. OUT! Capishe?

Currently playing: LL Cool J doing "Mama Said Knock You Out" unplugged

Yeah, Back Come The Rooster...

10 out of 11? I shit on your 10 out of 11! You know I ain't gonna dieeeeeeee...

Item the First: So, I finally got my Maxim yesterday. The December one with Shannon Elizabeth on it. That's right, I "mysteriously" got jacked out of the one with Jessica Alba and only my brilliant foresight of my shoddy cosmic punchline existence enables me to have one on the dresser right now. Oh, everyone thought I was crazy and paranoid about the mailpeople. Pfft. Crazy and paranoid LIKE A FOX! So, they're getting put on blast tomorrow. Bastids.

TWO!: Tomorrow's the big day of Attell/Black/Hedberg. Gotta send away for some Christmas presents too. And Friday I'm going to try hitting the club, spasmed back and all. You can tell you're closer to Responsible Adult when your days off are booked.

III: I actually have four consecutive days off next week, and a payday to boot. I'm gonna try and place a moratorium on self-spending starting on the 25th. While I want few things, and they're all ludicrous to the point I doubt what my parents even know what they look like (a 15 gig iPod, PS2, and the aforementioned JA chief amongst them), I don't want to buy something that close to Christmas only to open a present and be "I just bought this!" Too O. Henry for me, thanks. Outside of parties, work-related, and food, ain't no sunshine till it's on.

4) Adrienne is super-wise.

5) Whoever allowed the Shawshank Redemption DVDs to be pressed without a Freeman or Robbins commentary--why can't we have them legally killed? Hm? Anyone? Bueller?

Currently would be playing if I wasn't watching Shawshank: the Offspring's "Million Miles Away"

From The Home Office Under Tony Montana's Pile Of Cocaine

Also Receiving Votes: "Show Me Your Soul", "Moses (live)", "White Flag", "Holidae In", "It's My Life"

[10] Jay-Z, "La La La (Excuse Me Again)" (NR)*
[09] Linkin Park, "Faint" (NR)*
[08] Kelis, "Milkshake" (NR)*
[07] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (6)
[06] Big Boi f. Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move" (8)*

[05] Michelle Branch, "Breathe" (NR)*
[04] Fountains of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom" (1)

[03] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (2)

[02] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (3)

[01] R.E.M., "Bad Day" (4) [2w]

Dropped From Rankings: "So Into You", 10; "Got Some Teeth", 9; "Bigger Than My Body", 7; "Frontin'", 5

Currently playing: Stone Temple Pilots, "No Way Out"

Further Down The Spiral...

Oh, yeah, this is what's been missing from my life. My obstenible roomate has pulled out, meaning I get more family time.

In addition my dad's flying back to Pittsburgh for a sick relative and he's going to be there a whole week. This means I will be home alone for a week with my brother and mother, who after consecutive seconds in the same zip code start scuffling like someone stepped on their Pumas.

Did I mention even though I'm off Friday and getting paid to boot there will be no clubbing because I'm the only one in my circle who's in town and not beholden to their kids?

Interesting fact: whenever I groan into my hands, the sound always comes out the same.

Currently playing: John Mellencamp's "Authority Song"

Fuck The Perfect Storm, This Is The Sixth Circle Of Hell

Riddle: What goes five days on, one day off, five days on, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckingfuckityfuckmotherfuckingFUCKfuck!?

I'll give you a minute. This means not only 10 days out of 11, but 14 of the first 19, a 2.8:1 work days to not ratio (and keeping in mind I just burned four of them after the last five days straight stretch). No, I'm not trying to write a 50k novel this month, why do you ask? About the only positives I can figure out are that I'll be off the day of the Hedberg-Attell-Black TripleMania of comedy and the day after, and that my last two checks heading into Christmas will have 54 and 60.5 hours respectively on them.

But Jesus, Felipe, and Matty Alou, the road is going to suck like Christina Aguilera on a Navy battle cruiser.

*sigh* Time for dinner.

Currently playing: Beastie Boys' "Super Disco Breakin'"

Fuckin' A

Fuckin' A

On the one hand, my plans tonight got severely derailed and then rederailed. On the other hand I GOT 10,00 DOWN BIOTCHES!.

Assuming I don't get stupid, go back and reread everything and then purge it, that makes me roughly just the last couple days I slacked off behind. I think I'm gonna work on it as much as I can tomorrow assuming my friends don't talk me into doing something to make up for tonight. The new goal to be on schedule is 16,750 as my head hits the pillow early Tuesday morning. It's still definitely doable and I'm just sort of joyous I got to 10k and didn't puss out.

Go me, it's my birthday, and so forth.

Currently playing: Kenny Wayne Shepherd's "Blue On Black"

Ayuda, Por Favor

If you were a reporter at the press conference announcing Jesus' return to Earth, what sort of questions would you have for Him?

Answer below.

Currently playing: Dre & Snoop's "Dre Day"

Going Out With Style

I [heart] the American Association of Blood Banks. A2B2, big ups. What else can I say after a six-hour coat check shift where I made $16 in tips?! Oh, if they weren't so ugly I'd kiss them on the mouth. 16 in TIPS, for chrissakes! Can I get a witness?!

Anyway, going to watch 24, slack off, and back to work on the novel. It's right on time, and the goal is to spend the next four days off working on it when inspiration hits. 17K BY SUNDAY!

More to come as developments warrant, but you knew that already.

Currently playing: Eminem, Obie Trice & DMX's "Go To Sleep"

From The Home Office In THE DIRTY SOUTH, BITCH

[10] Fabolous f. Tamia, "So Into You" (10)
[09] Obie Trice, "Got Some Teeth (My Favorite Song)" (5)
[08] Big Boi f. Sleepy Brown, "The Way You Move" (N)*
[07] John Mayer, "Bigger Than My Body" (9)*
[06] Jet, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" (7)*

[05] Pharrell f. Jay-Z, "Frontin'" (8)**
[04] R.E.M., "Bad Day" (4)*

[03] Ludacris, "Stand Up" (1)

[02] Andre 3000, "Hey Ya" (3)*

[01] Fountains of Wayne, "Stacy's Mom" (2) [12w]

Currently playing: Hayseed Dixie's country-fried cover of "Back In Black"

For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Quinn...

WORK: Good today. Breaker = fun. Got to watch a lot of football, mostly the Niners actually showing up vs. the Rams and the back and forth between Minnesota and Green Bay.

SOCIAL LIFE: Didn't go out last night, sleepy. Later this week.

JERSEYS: Got a white Jerry West West Virginia for half of retail. I love you, eBay.

ZE NOVEL: Almost 5K down. Right on pace after all 48 hours. Cross your fingers.

BACK: Spasming. Bah!

Currently playing: Robert Bradley's Blackwater Surprise's "Once Upon A Time"

In For A Day, In For A Month

Well, work has been HIGHLY annoying. Five day straight chunks, boring days--days so boring I can't even inspire myself to write all the prOn I'm behind on because I keep trying to ignore the sound of my eyeballs trying to escape my brain it's so boring. (The sound is a low screech.)

So, instead, in my free time this month (getting increasingly rarer), I'm going to write my novel Jesus Smirked.

No, really.

50,000 words. 30 days. Stay healthy. Get ready.

And now for the sales pitch: you watch me suffer here all the time! Why not suffer WITH me? We're not all trying to make a Shakespeare play or the screenplay for Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back; just trying to hit 50k in 30 days and prove that if only for a little while, if only in a little circle of relative anonymity, we're fucking AUTHORS, baybay.

So what say you?

As some wise students of the human condition put it last year: ooh oooooh ooh are you in?

Currently playing: (I couldn't make this up if I tried) Everclear's "You Make Me Feel Like A Whore"