It is for all those reasons and cosmic justice that I would like to, in advance, declare 2004 my bitch and defy it to prove me wrong. Apartment. Woman. Frightening amount of joy. Book it.--Me, one year ago
Finally, you've made more progress this year than you have since I've known you. You've done things too, y'know. Oh, sure, you didn't leave on a jet plane and don't know if you'll be back again, but you took (for you) some major steps. It may not seem like it at the moment, but come New Year's I predict you'll be writing about 04 as The Year Butch Moved Forward.--Matt Spaulding, October 18th
I'm blowing up like you thought I would/call the crib, same number, same hood, it's all good.--Biggie, In the Way Back When
Well, not all that's true: you could call the crib, get the same number and same hood, but I've evolved to a different number and the same number in the same hood is a lot less likely to get you to me.
Right before I started this I was walking down the hallway I'd been in a thousand times. The lights were out. But I knew my way, and didn't stumble. In a bit, my arm shot out, and flipped the switch to cue the light.
And there's the year in a forty-five second nutshell. After hitting a nadir, and starting to move forward last year, '04 will be in fact the year I made the Leap. Oh, sure, I may blow up in '05, get the Alba restraining order lifted in '10, presidency in '20. But this year started off with a shock, sprinkled in a few more, and ended (well, will end) with me throwing a New Year's Eve bash that this writer can only hope doesn't land him in the new year with a roomate named Bubba who wants to dance with him.
Despite no apartment and not nearly enough of the novel, this year got me out of my shell. It got me Cristal and a big-ass stupid grin on my face I thought the Jaws of Life would have to remove. It got me a cell phone only 19 years behind the rest of the nation, turing me quickly from the "Who cares?" to the "Oh, God, been two minutes...must ogle phone...and download more ringtones..." camp. (Imagine if I'd shelled out for the cameraphone!) It got me the Howard Dean role of bloggers running for president, the eternal love of Kitana Baker and the eternal enmity of Christy Hemme, a best friend back after 12 years, scars (one, at least) that'll never heal from eight hours straight of partying as Lil' Jon on Halloween Eve, blown away by Garden State, A Tribe Called Quest absolutely pimping me out on the corner for drug money, rejected, dejected, elated, and, of course, massive cockblockery.
I wouldn't've traded it for nuthin' short of 8 figures.
So, since I hit the note last year, what do I see for me in the Zero Cinco?
The point when you're falling is to stop. The point when you stop is not to regress. The point when you don't regress is to start moving forward.
The point when you move forward is to stop walking towards the prize and get runnin'.
Happy New Year, y'all.
Ambient music: Young Gunz - Friday Night
12/31/04
12/28/04
The Albas
Props to Victor:
For everybody who kept me from getting "on the cover of Newsweek" in a bad way in 2004, non-relative division:
Jon Stewart: For the news that didn't matter, and pretty much kicked TV's ass. Oh, and for telling those fucks on Crossfire to check a loaded gun with their mouth.
Keith Olbermann: For ACTUAL news. I can now once again be horrified at the world.
Zach Braff: One of the four comedies on network TV that doesn't suck, and a debut movie that almost made me cry like a bitch. Ignore me. I'm drunk off cheese.
Roberto Harris: For helping me figure out the funny little muddle that is Butch.
The Red Sox: Force-feeding the Best Choke Ever to the Yankmes. That's going to be funny forever.
The ex: It didn't work out, but it still was some of the best times of my life.
Brian Giles: For giving me the funniest moment at work of the year.
The cast of Arrested Development: Just the continual hilarity all around. Keep it up!
Ken Jennings: Who would've won the "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" had it not been for the Sawx.
My friends in and out of Blog Nation: There's a thin wall between sanity and killing spree; you guys kept it up. Whether it was horrifying links, pointless surveys, rides, jokes, sodas...you guys are the most important thing in my life outside of staying alive to keep it. If I could have everyone at my NYE party getting drunk off their ass, I would. But thanks either way.
And to the random girls at the club, Kitana Baker, Iyari Limon, Robia LaMorte, the girls from Halloween Eve, Internet sluts of all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities, Amanda when I'm drunk, Aaron's friend Marilyn, One Date Maria, DAMN SURE NOT CHRISTY HEMME, and the poster for Sin City: Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeeeeeroooooooooooooeesssssssssss...
Ambient music: the Offspring - Defy You
For everybody who kept me from getting "on the cover of Newsweek" in a bad way in 2004, non-relative division:
Jon Stewart: For the news that didn't matter, and pretty much kicked TV's ass. Oh, and for telling those fucks on Crossfire to check a loaded gun with their mouth.
Keith Olbermann: For ACTUAL news. I can now once again be horrified at the world.
Zach Braff: One of the four comedies on network TV that doesn't suck, and a debut movie that almost made me cry like a bitch. Ignore me. I'm drunk off cheese.
Roberto Harris: For helping me figure out the funny little muddle that is Butch.
The Red Sox: Force-feeding the Best Choke Ever to the Yankmes. That's going to be funny forever.
The ex: It didn't work out, but it still was some of the best times of my life.
Brian Giles: For giving me the funniest moment at work of the year.
The cast of Arrested Development: Just the continual hilarity all around. Keep it up!
Ken Jennings: Who would've won the "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" had it not been for the Sawx.
My friends in and out of Blog Nation: There's a thin wall between sanity and killing spree; you guys kept it up. Whether it was horrifying links, pointless surveys, rides, jokes, sodas...you guys are the most important thing in my life outside of staying alive to keep it. If I could have everyone at my NYE party getting drunk off their ass, I would. But thanks either way.
And to the random girls at the club, Kitana Baker, Iyari Limon, Robia LaMorte, the girls from Halloween Eve, Internet sluts of all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities, Amanda when I'm drunk, Aaron's friend Marilyn, One Date Maria, DAMN SURE NOT CHRISTY HEMME, and the poster for Sin City: Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeeeeeroooooooooooooeesssssssssss...
Ambient music: the Offspring - Defy You
Starfuckers Inc: Enero Dos Mil y Cinco
You can click the title for spoilers (THX JEN)...
DROPPED:
Dawn Marie [19]
Stacy Keibler [25]
25) Gloria Velez (last month: 23, peak: 12)
24) Pam Anderson (22/12)
23) Anna Kournikova (re-entry/6)
22) Natalie Portman (20/8)
21) Heidi Klum (16/10)
20) Jamie Pressly (15/7)
19) Sofia Vergara (re-entry/8)
18) Halle Berry (both 17)
17) Beyonce Knowles (13/4)
16) Esther Baxter (both 24)
15) Carmen Electra (21/5)
14) Eliza Dushku (14/3)
13) Rachel Bilson (18/10)
12) Kristanna Loken (11/8)
11) Salma Hayek (both 10)
10: Kitana Baker (both 12)
09: Josie Maran (both 8)
08: Lindsay Lohan (4/3)
07: Adriana Lima (6/3)
06: Vida Guerra (7/6)
FIVE
Angelina Jolie (5/1)
FOUR
Eva Longoria (9/4)
THREE
Brooke Burke (3/1)
TWO
Trish Stratus (both 1)
ONE
Jessica Alba (2/1)
All hail the trailer for Sin City.
UPGRADE!: Esther Baxter, +8
downgrade: Heidi Klum, -5
Ambient music: Talking Heads - Road To Nowhere
DROPPED:
Dawn Marie [19]
Stacy Keibler [25]
25) Gloria Velez (last month: 23, peak: 12)
24) Pam Anderson (22/12)
23) Anna Kournikova (re-entry/6)
22) Natalie Portman (20/8)
21) Heidi Klum (16/10)
20) Jamie Pressly (15/7)
19) Sofia Vergara (re-entry/8)
18) Halle Berry (both 17)
17) Beyonce Knowles (13/4)
16) Esther Baxter (both 24)
15) Carmen Electra (21/5)
14) Eliza Dushku (14/3)
13) Rachel Bilson (18/10)
12) Kristanna Loken (11/8)
11) Salma Hayek (both 10)
10: Kitana Baker (both 12)
09: Josie Maran (both 8)
08: Lindsay Lohan (4/3)
07: Adriana Lima (6/3)
06: Vida Guerra (7/6)
FIVE
Angelina Jolie (5/1)
FOUR
Eva Longoria (9/4)
THREE
Brooke Burke (3/1)
TWO
Trish Stratus (both 1)
ONE
Jessica Alba (2/1)
All hail the trailer for Sin City.
UPGRADE!: Esther Baxter, +8
downgrade: Heidi Klum, -5
Ambient music: Talking Heads - Road To Nowhere
12/25/04
2004? That's Hot (in keeping with the tradition)
Favorite CD: Beastie Boys' To The Five Boroughs
Favorite movie: Kill Bill volume 2, with a mad serving of dap to Garden State considering how KB-loving I am
Stupidest thing I bought in 2004: My New Year's resolution to stop chasing pussy as I fell for my ex within 72 hours of the statement and went out and became a more voracious party animal as the year progressed
Wedding present I would give Britney & Kevin: the BIG-ASS Foreman Grill, and the Nirvana box set so they know what actual music sounds like
Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV wins for the second year in a row!
My favorite new toy: (tie) Bond digicam or the cell phone
In 2004 I was totally obsessed with: Jessica Alba, again (still), rock covers of pop songs ("Fuck It (Don't Want You Back)", I'm waiiiiiiiting!)
Sex symbol of 2004: Lindsay Lohan. rowr.
Best sex I've had this year: er...
My most rock star moment of 2004:
5) Just remember, Dupin: GOD HATES YOU!
4) see Drunkest I Got.
3) "I would've let Less Filling get in on your left, but she's still handcuffed to my bed, poor thing."
2) the time I walked out of a pool hall, saw a girl wearing a "It's my birthday! Spank me" sticker and CRACKED a sharp smack on her ass but didn't stop leaving with Aaron alongside me in shock the whole way
1) getting freaked by one girl and the digits from another after suffering a first-degree burn. While drunk. And dressed like Lil' Jon because it was Halloween Eve. And then partying another five hours after THAT, staggering into bed at a quarter to six. Can't stop, won't stop Butch to the Rosser 'cause I, I gets down baybay, I gets down! Girls the girls they love meeee...
Biggest 2004 regret: Didn't leave the nest, and not even that's too big. This second. Oh, and the MASSIVE COCKBLOCKERY~! of 9/11. Nigga wouldn't even do the rockaway, and I missed out on my dream rainbow samich. *sigh*
Favorite phrase of 2004: "I'm not the one buying love": Shaq RE: Kobe. And, of course, "I'm Rick James, bitch."
Number of times I said "I'm Butch Rosser, bitch!": Sadly, none.
Number of times I watched the Paris Hilton sex tape: None. If the one with her and the Playmate comes out, THEN you got something worth downloading.
Best song I downloaded this year: "99 Problems", Hova
Favorite book of 2004: Unbelievable: the Life, Death and Afterlife of the Notorious B.I.G. by Cheo Hodari Coker
Drunkest I got in 2004: My birthday party, which is like Watergate tape after the Irish Car Bombs and friends had to inform me of what happened at the club after. Props must be given to the August night I had 15 beers in two hours, partied in two places, and frenched a bride-to-be.
What I learned this year: The assumption that I was surrounded by idiots manifested itself into fact with the reelection of Pres-o-dent Squinty.
Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: After work, I'm pulling a Chingy with a hotel party--but at the Grand Hyatt. Which is hard to rhyme. After that starts, on the floor, all over the booze, up against some girls, in the sack.
Ambition for 2005: Same stuff from last year: finish the novel, start flying solo, get a bird to perch on my rooftop (Editor's Note: by "bird" he means Britslang for girl and by "perch on his rooftop" he means deep, fulfilling relationship or #1 on the Booty Call countdown, answer to change by the minute)
Ambient music: nine inch nails - March of the Pigs
Favorite movie: Kill Bill volume 2, with a mad serving of dap to Garden State considering how KB-loving I am
Stupidest thing I bought in 2004: My New Year's resolution to stop chasing pussy as I fell for my ex within 72 hours of the statement and went out and became a more voracious party animal as the year progressed
Wedding present I would give Britney & Kevin: the BIG-ASS Foreman Grill, and the Nirvana box set so they know what actual music sounds like
Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV wins for the second year in a row!
My favorite new toy: (tie) Bond digicam or the cell phone
In 2004 I was totally obsessed with: Jessica Alba, again (still), rock covers of pop songs ("Fuck It (Don't Want You Back)", I'm waiiiiiiiting!)
Sex symbol of 2004: Lindsay Lohan. rowr.
Best sex I've had this year: er...
My most rock star moment of 2004:
5) Just remember, Dupin: GOD HATES YOU!
4) see Drunkest I Got.
3) "I would've let Less Filling get in on your left, but she's still handcuffed to my bed, poor thing."
2) the time I walked out of a pool hall, saw a girl wearing a "It's my birthday! Spank me" sticker and CRACKED a sharp smack on her ass but didn't stop leaving with Aaron alongside me in shock the whole way
1) getting freaked by one girl and the digits from another after suffering a first-degree burn. While drunk. And dressed like Lil' Jon because it was Halloween Eve. And then partying another five hours after THAT, staggering into bed at a quarter to six. Can't stop, won't stop Butch to the Rosser 'cause I, I gets down baybay, I gets down! Girls the girls they love meeee...
Biggest 2004 regret: Didn't leave the nest, and not even that's too big. This second. Oh, and the MASSIVE COCKBLOCKERY~! of 9/11. Nigga wouldn't even do the rockaway, and I missed out on my dream rainbow samich. *sigh*
Favorite phrase of 2004: "I'm not the one buying love": Shaq RE: Kobe. And, of course, "I'm Rick James, bitch."
Number of times I said "I'm Butch Rosser, bitch!": Sadly, none.
Number of times I watched the Paris Hilton sex tape: None. If the one with her and the Playmate comes out, THEN you got something worth downloading.
Best song I downloaded this year: "99 Problems", Hova
Favorite book of 2004: Unbelievable: the Life, Death and Afterlife of the Notorious B.I.G. by Cheo Hodari Coker
Drunkest I got in 2004: My birthday party, which is like Watergate tape after the Irish Car Bombs and friends had to inform me of what happened at the club after. Props must be given to the August night I had 15 beers in two hours, partied in two places, and frenched a bride-to-be.
What I learned this year: The assumption that I was surrounded by idiots manifested itself into fact with the reelection of Pres-o-dent Squinty.
Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: After work, I'm pulling a Chingy with a hotel party--but at the Grand Hyatt. Which is hard to rhyme. After that starts, on the floor, all over the booze, up against some girls, in the sack.
Ambition for 2005: Same stuff from last year: finish the novel, start flying solo, get a bird to perch on my rooftop (Editor's Note: by "bird" he means Britslang for girl and by "perch on his rooftop" he means deep, fulfilling relationship or #1 on the Booty Call countdown, answer to change by the minute)
Ambient music: nine inch nails - March of the Pigs
the Presents of the Christ
lottery tickets (TWO $25,000s when I needed three. Bah fucking humbug.)
2 packs of chocolates
$35 (probably going to the NYE PartAy fund)
jumbo playing cards
police light (seriously)
Dodgeball DVD
Chargers division champs shirt
pajama set
pack of socks
pack of boxers
$30 gift card for Best Buy
$20 gift card for Borders/Waldenbooks
ADDENDUM: Kobe scoring eleventy billion but choking down the stretch and the Heat winning
So, my brother and dad get new cars and my mom gets put in a crooked nursing home. Status quo, really...
Ambient music: Foo Fighters - Learn To Fly
2 packs of chocolates
$35 (probably going to the NYE PartAy fund)
jumbo playing cards
police light (seriously)
Dodgeball DVD
Chargers division champs shirt
pajama set
pack of socks
pack of boxers
$30 gift card for Best Buy
$20 gift card for Borders/Waldenbooks
ADDENDUM: Kobe scoring eleventy billion but choking down the stretch and the Heat winning
So, my brother and dad get new cars and my mom gets put in a crooked nursing home. Status quo, really...
Ambient music: Foo Fighters - Learn To Fly
12/24/04
Rosser Hot 10
- Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell: Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [10w]
- Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista: Let's Go (4)*
- Ludacris: Get Back (7)*
- Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Ludacris & Usher: Lovers And Friends (debut)*
- U2: Vertigo (2)
- Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey: U Make Me Wanna (debut)*
- Jay-Z & Linkin Park: Encore vs. Numb (5)
- Gwen Stefani: What You Waiting For? (3)
- My Chemical Romance: I'm Not Okay (I Promise) (10)*
- Ciara feat. Missy Elliott: 1, 2 Step (debut)*
GONE: "Pain", 6; "Lose My Breath", 8, "American Idiot", 9
Ambient music: Weezer - El Scorcho
12/14/04
A Little Dap'll Do Ya
Danny, Victoria, Stephen, and Jason: Thanks for the cards. If I'd gotten my house more in order I would send you guys some. Maybe some Festivus cards, or pictures of random girls, I dunno. Your contributions will go noted.
Rob: THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY! Congratulations, you just lapped my family's gifts for the second year in a row with the Seinset.
The rest of yas: Whadda madda you? Make like Apache and JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT!
Ambient music: #4, Trick Daddy feat Lil' Jon & Twista - Let's Go
Rob: THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY! Congratulations, you just lapped my family's gifts for the second year in a row with the Seinset.
The rest of yas: Whadda madda you? Make like Apache and JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT!
Ambient music: #4, Trick Daddy feat Lil' Jon & Twista - Let's Go
12/11/04
Rosser Top Ten
Dropped From Rankings: "Lean Back", 9; "Goodies", 10
(10) My Chemical Romance --> I'm Not Okay (I Promise) (debut)
(09) Green Day --> American Idiot (6)
(08) Destiny's Child --> Lose My Breath (8)*
(07) Ludacris --> Get Back (debut)
(06) Jimmy Eat World --> Pain (7)*
(05) Jay-Z & Linkin Park --> Encore v. Numb (5)*
(04) Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista --> Let's Go (4)*
(03) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (2)
(02) U2 --> Vertigo (3)*
(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [2m]
Ambient music: Ramones - Teenage Lobotomy
(10) My Chemical Romance --> I'm Not Okay (I Promise) (debut)
(09) Green Day --> American Idiot (6)
(08) Destiny's Child --> Lose My Breath (8)*
(07) Ludacris --> Get Back (debut)
(06) Jimmy Eat World --> Pain (7)*
(05) Jay-Z & Linkin Park --> Encore v. Numb (5)*
(04) Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista --> Let's Go (4)*
(03) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (2)
(02) U2 --> Vertigo (3)*
(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [2m]
Ambient music: Ramones - Teenage Lobotomy
Champion Retains
My right hand is sore.
Shut up.
This band let me on stage, and after wailing on the tambourine, I got to sing some of both "Staying Alive" and "Sexual Healing"--chicks digged the Marvin.
So for all of you who think you're getting my World Partying Title without bringing your A game--you better ax somebody.
Ambient music: Talking Heads - Take Me To The River
Shut up.
This band let me on stage, and after wailing on the tambourine, I got to sing some of both "Staying Alive" and "Sexual Healing"--chicks digged the Marvin.
So for all of you who think you're getting my World Partying Title without bringing your A game--you better ax somebody.
Ambient music: Talking Heads - Take Me To The River
12/10/04
Shopping OPEN Season
The Christmas shopping for '04 is DONE. This is two years in a row I've been two weeks ahead of the Fat Man, and let me tell ya something, good as it feels now--watching my family run around like Godzilla's looming above them next week it's going to feel even better. I can't go back to the old ways. I won't.
On my travels in the Outside World (twenty billion cheers for Amazon) KB had a sale, and I found myself buying a replica World Heavyweight Title for $7.
So, to all my friends coming to town, the Butch has something to say: it's open season. This year, I have made the Leap. I have gone from wallflower to 24-hour Party Person. And if you say different, then PROVE ME WRONG. I'm putting up MY World Heavyweight Title--the same one I won in that tournament in Rio de Janeiro--vs. anybody who thinks they can party better than me without puking. It doesn't matter if you're homegrown, down from LA, Berkeley, Eugene, Seattle, Keokuk, JUST...BRING IT. Because in the immortal words of Mahatma Ghandi upon India's release from British rule post-World War II, to be the Man--WHOOOOOOO!--you gotta beat the Man!
Ambient music: R.E.M. - Radio Free Europe
On my travels in the Outside World (twenty billion cheers for Amazon) KB had a sale, and I found myself buying a replica World Heavyweight Title for $7.
So, to all my friends coming to town, the Butch has something to say: it's open season. This year, I have made the Leap. I have gone from wallflower to 24-hour Party Person. And if you say different, then PROVE ME WRONG. I'm putting up MY World Heavyweight Title--the same one I won in that tournament in Rio de Janeiro--vs. anybody who thinks they can party better than me without puking. It doesn't matter if you're homegrown, down from LA, Berkeley, Eugene, Seattle, Keokuk, JUST...BRING IT. Because in the immortal words of Mahatma Ghandi upon India's release from British rule post-World War II, to be the Man--WHOOOOOOO!--you gotta beat the Man!
Ambient music: R.E.M. - Radio Free Europe
12/9/04
Rosser Top Twenty Five
Can I get a hell, yeah from the audiophiles like me? (HELL, YEAH!)
There's a good swerve for you, since Gretchen Wilson couldn't get on this list if she paid $100.
So, it's the top 25 of the year time. Very pleasant to see what I came out with when the list was all said and done, since last year's same four or five acts showing up depressed me. Only three acts managed the feat this year, one of whom resides at the top, one who helped him get there and did him one better in volume, and another who nobody in the U.S, had heard of last year and justbarely snuck in there. Nope, not her: Joss Stone threatened on three seperate occassions but couldn't quite get in. I am now way more hip-hop than rock. The big surprise to the hoi polloi: no "Yeah!" Sorry, but outside of the club and a girl's ass against me--took too long to grow on me, and playing along at home isn't as fun.
FUCK WHAT I SAID, IT DON'T MEAN SHIT NOW
Joss Stone, "Fell In Love With A Boy"
the Vines, "Ride"
the Darkness, "Growing On Me"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps"
Incubus, "Talk Shows On Mute"
John Legend, "Used To Love U"
the Roots, "Star"
the Killers, "Somebody Told Me"
ALL ACROSS THE BOARD WE GON TEAR IT UP
#25: the Darkness, "Love Is Only A Feeling"
I can't really explain how these Brits' singles came out to match the state of my union (or lack thereof) addresses, but it happened on two occassions. You'll see the other one later.
#24: U2, "Vertigo"
Yeah, like I didn't want to buy an iPod already. It IS eligible for the '05 list, and to be honest will probably do a lot better there. Still, for just getting in under the wire, great work by Larry Cullen Jr. and those other three guys.
#23: Young Buck feat. 50 Cent, "Let Me In"
What, do you want me to get stabbed? Fuck that!
#22: Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Culo"
Spanglish rap? WHAT?! In a town where the proliferation of Starbucks is only matched by Latinas, you can bet I heard this song a time or twenty in a club. Unlike most, it didn't get old.
#21: the Strokes, "Reptilia"
The jittery opening and the rifflicious chorus scratched me where I itched. I really liked the line I said PLEASE don't slow me down if I'm going too fast because the music backed up the state of mind. So what if they're so 2002?
#20: Gwen Stefani, "What You Waiting For?"
Another '05 qualifier. Immediate reaction to hearing this song and seeing the tricked-out video: For some unexplainable reason I suddenly want to do my body weight in Ecstacy!
#19: N.E.R.D., "She Wants To Move"
Hey, I don't care what people say, this Pharrell kid is going to be somebody some day. You watch. Was this CD as good as In Search Of...? Someone let me know, because that thing pimped me out hard.
#18: D-12, "My Band"
I'd pull a knife on Marshall, too, Kuniva. Alba's MY wife to be, fuckdammit!
#17: Green Day, "American Idiot"
As a consolation prize for not being higher up Billie Joe and the boys get the Most Accurate Song of the Year award.
#16: Maroon 5, "She Will Be Loved"
Your laughter at me is making Baby Jesus sad.
#15: Kanye West, "Jesus Walks"
The offical theme song of Johnny Damon! Best part: the last verse was a taunt to see if radio would play it. Guess who won that one?
#14: Franz Ferdinand, "Take Me Out"
'04's Riff of the Year. And sadly, a topic I can really identify with. Not that I'm plotting to firebomb Stephanie off the face of the earth...anymore...
#13: Jay-Z, "Dirt Off Your Shoulder"
From the Riff to the Opening Line. Great EPMD reference in the end, and the 52 cards line...no one does a lyric like Sean does 'em.
#12: Beastie Boys, "Ch-Check It Out"
Screw Mase; welcome back to y'all! The first single off my Album of the Year was my Comic-Con theme, esp. MCA's opening lyric. Lorne Greene really got paid that much? Nice to see somebody else enjoyed the Cable Guy besides me.
#11: Terror Squad, "Lean Back"
PSSSSSST...if y'all got rid of that biter Remy this would've made top 5. As is, Fat Joe carries the load for his posse with a minimum of body movement. I would've cut a rap like this, but being nicknamed Urkel, Academic League, Wiseass or maybe Most Likely To Host A Talk Show doesn't really translate into rhyme well. :(
#10: Alicia Keys, "You Don't Know My Name"
Assuming my parents hadn't disconnected from music in 1987, this would be the current artist most likely to be in their CD case. Respecting the old while searching for the new at its FINEST. $64,000 Question of the Year: Who's big pimpin' so much Alicia's calling them instead of the other way around?
#9: Kanye West, "Through The Wire"
Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. Ch-ch-ch-Chaka Khan. The opening step in the Year of Kanye, and a fine example of what happens when Keeping It Real Goes RIGHT. His throwaway line reference is way funnier than anything Em did in the "Just Lose It" video.
#8: Ludacris, "Blow It Out Your Ass"
You know, right when I heard the new phenomenon like white women with ass I just knew this was making the top 25 somewhere. Jesus saves and Ludacris withdrawls, top 15. Dissing Bill O'Reilly? Congrats, Luda, welcome to the top 10!
#7: Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Drop It Like It's Hot"
Here's something to debate amongst yourselves: if it gets released closer to say, Memorial Day than Halloween, does it make #1? And with this song, minimalists shake their ass and pull up their pant leg.
#6: Kanye West, "All Falls Down"
2003: Rachel Hunter :: 2004 :: Stacey Dash, though the latter better stay the hell away from reality TV in '05. Whether that was The Artist Formerly Known As Lauryn or not, the easy guitar groove really brought Kanye's voice tricks to the front: leaning on the accent, mispronouncing Versace...good times.
#5: Outkast, "Roses"
Did I mention I have a boss named Caroline? Would it surprise anybody to know that I haven't opened our conversations without singing her name since about March? I know I think Big Boi's a better rapper than Andre, but everytime he does something crazy/perfect like this...well, you see who's songs are on the list and who's aren't.
#4: Yellowcard, "Ocean Avenue"
Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription is more...violin?! All right, who's been screwing with this thing?! When I was still in limbo about my feelings of the old relationship, I'd find myself singing the chorus out of nowhere for no discernable reason. And sometimes the second verse. And the last one. OK, if there was an Ocean Avenue in town I would've probably sang the whole thing. You happy? Can we move on now, 'cause Lord knows I have...
#3: the Darkness, "I Believe In A Thing Called Love"
...but back when not only had I not moved on, but it was still exciting and new like the beginning of the Love Boat, you'd find me singing this instead. The best part? It doesn't matter if you can't sing, because it almost makes the song better (see Markie, Biz). A shame I didn't get loaded and sing this at a karaoake bar, but then that just would've broken us up even sooner. But Rock Song of the Year!
#2: G-Unit feat. Joe, "Wanna Get To Know You"
You know what my favorite part of the video was? 50 goes You don't have to look like a model for me to adore you and they cut right to a chick who looks like a model. Anyway, the most complete of the G-Unit songs puts them in the runner-up, and Joe doing the chorus work was excellent. The inverse of this song, "Ride With You", didn't even breach my playlist. As I heard a white kid say on a great show once, G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G UNIT!
#1: Jay-Z, "99 Problems"
It's beyond psycho of me, but I imagine Hov sitting down in his favorite chair somewhere going over a to-do list. Hottest chick in the game wearing my chain? Check. Best rapper alive? *listens to "Just Lose It"* Double check. So much cash my great-grandkids won't have to get a real job? Yup. Well, hell, what's left for me to do? I should get one of the guys who started this whole rap/rock thing to produce a song for me. Yeah, that'll do. The LP version with "Points Of Authority" & "One Step Closer" is crazy sick, too. But make no mistake: You was doing 55 in a 54 is the Line of the Year. I will NOT argue this. The man threw in saccharine. SACCHARINE! How, as a ex-journalism major hip-hop head can I not love this? Simple: I can't. So it's the Song of the Year.
There's a good swerve for you, since Gretchen Wilson couldn't get on this list if she paid $100.
So, it's the top 25 of the year time. Very pleasant to see what I came out with when the list was all said and done, since last year's same four or five acts showing up depressed me. Only three acts managed the feat this year, one of whom resides at the top, one who helped him get there and did him one better in volume, and another who nobody in the U.S, had heard of last year and justbarely snuck in there. Nope, not her: Joss Stone threatened on three seperate occassions but couldn't quite get in. I am now way more hip-hop than rock. The big surprise to the hoi polloi: no "Yeah!" Sorry, but outside of the club and a girl's ass against me--took too long to grow on me, and playing along at home isn't as fun.
FUCK WHAT I SAID, IT DON'T MEAN SHIT NOW
Joss Stone, "Fell In Love With A Boy"
the Vines, "Ride"
the Darkness, "Growing On Me"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps"
Incubus, "Talk Shows On Mute"
John Legend, "Used To Love U"
the Roots, "Star"
the Killers, "Somebody Told Me"
ALL ACROSS THE BOARD WE GON TEAR IT UP
#25: the Darkness, "Love Is Only A Feeling"
I can't really explain how these Brits' singles came out to match the state of my union (or lack thereof) addresses, but it happened on two occassions. You'll see the other one later.
#24: U2, "Vertigo"
Yeah, like I didn't want to buy an iPod already. It IS eligible for the '05 list, and to be honest will probably do a lot better there. Still, for just getting in under the wire, great work by Larry Cullen Jr. and those other three guys.
#23: Young Buck feat. 50 Cent, "Let Me In"
What, do you want me to get stabbed? Fuck that!
#22: Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Culo"
Spanglish rap? WHAT?! In a town where the proliferation of Starbucks is only matched by Latinas, you can bet I heard this song a time or twenty in a club. Unlike most, it didn't get old.
#21: the Strokes, "Reptilia"
The jittery opening and the rifflicious chorus scratched me where I itched. I really liked the line I said PLEASE don't slow me down if I'm going too fast because the music backed up the state of mind. So what if they're so 2002?
#20: Gwen Stefani, "What You Waiting For?"
Another '05 qualifier. Immediate reaction to hearing this song and seeing the tricked-out video: For some unexplainable reason I suddenly want to do my body weight in Ecstacy!
#19: N.E.R.D., "She Wants To Move"
Hey, I don't care what people say, this Pharrell kid is going to be somebody some day. You watch. Was this CD as good as In Search Of...? Someone let me know, because that thing pimped me out hard.
#18: D-12, "My Band"
I'd pull a knife on Marshall, too, Kuniva. Alba's MY wife to be, fuckdammit!
#17: Green Day, "American Idiot"
As a consolation prize for not being higher up Billie Joe and the boys get the Most Accurate Song of the Year award.
#16: Maroon 5, "She Will Be Loved"
Your laughter at me is making Baby Jesus sad.
#15: Kanye West, "Jesus Walks"
The offical theme song of Johnny Damon! Best part: the last verse was a taunt to see if radio would play it. Guess who won that one?
#14: Franz Ferdinand, "Take Me Out"
'04's Riff of the Year. And sadly, a topic I can really identify with. Not that I'm plotting to firebomb Stephanie off the face of the earth...anymore...
#13: Jay-Z, "Dirt Off Your Shoulder"
From the Riff to the Opening Line. Great EPMD reference in the end, and the 52 cards line...no one does a lyric like Sean does 'em.
#12: Beastie Boys, "Ch-Check It Out"
Screw Mase; welcome back to y'all! The first single off my Album of the Year was my Comic-Con theme, esp. MCA's opening lyric. Lorne Greene really got paid that much? Nice to see somebody else enjoyed the Cable Guy besides me.
#11: Terror Squad, "Lean Back"
PSSSSSST...if y'all got rid of that biter Remy this would've made top 5. As is, Fat Joe carries the load for his posse with a minimum of body movement. I would've cut a rap like this, but being nicknamed Urkel, Academic League, Wiseass or maybe Most Likely To Host A Talk Show doesn't really translate into rhyme well. :(
#10: Alicia Keys, "You Don't Know My Name"
Assuming my parents hadn't disconnected from music in 1987, this would be the current artist most likely to be in their CD case. Respecting the old while searching for the new at its FINEST. $64,000 Question of the Year: Who's big pimpin' so much Alicia's calling them instead of the other way around?
#9: Kanye West, "Through The Wire"
Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. Ch-ch-ch-Chaka Khan. The opening step in the Year of Kanye, and a fine example of what happens when Keeping It Real Goes RIGHT. His throwaway line reference is way funnier than anything Em did in the "Just Lose It" video.
#8: Ludacris, "Blow It Out Your Ass"
You know, right when I heard the new phenomenon like white women with ass I just knew this was making the top 25 somewhere. Jesus saves and Ludacris withdrawls, top 15. Dissing Bill O'Reilly? Congrats, Luda, welcome to the top 10!
#7: Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Drop It Like It's Hot"
Here's something to debate amongst yourselves: if it gets released closer to say, Memorial Day than Halloween, does it make #1? And with this song, minimalists shake their ass and pull up their pant leg.
#6: Kanye West, "All Falls Down"
2003: Rachel Hunter :: 2004 :: Stacey Dash, though the latter better stay the hell away from reality TV in '05. Whether that was The Artist Formerly Known As Lauryn or not, the easy guitar groove really brought Kanye's voice tricks to the front: leaning on the accent, mispronouncing Versace...good times.
#5: Outkast, "Roses"
Did I mention I have a boss named Caroline? Would it surprise anybody to know that I haven't opened our conversations without singing her name since about March? I know I think Big Boi's a better rapper than Andre, but everytime he does something crazy/perfect like this...well, you see who's songs are on the list and who's aren't.
#4: Yellowcard, "Ocean Avenue"
Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription is more...violin?! All right, who's been screwing with this thing?! When I was still in limbo about my feelings of the old relationship, I'd find myself singing the chorus out of nowhere for no discernable reason. And sometimes the second verse. And the last one. OK, if there was an Ocean Avenue in town I would've probably sang the whole thing. You happy? Can we move on now, 'cause Lord knows I have...
#3: the Darkness, "I Believe In A Thing Called Love"
...but back when not only had I not moved on, but it was still exciting and new like the beginning of the Love Boat, you'd find me singing this instead. The best part? It doesn't matter if you can't sing, because it almost makes the song better (see Markie, Biz). A shame I didn't get loaded and sing this at a karaoake bar, but then that just would've broken us up even sooner. But Rock Song of the Year!
#2: G-Unit feat. Joe, "Wanna Get To Know You"
You know what my favorite part of the video was? 50 goes You don't have to look like a model for me to adore you and they cut right to a chick who looks like a model. Anyway, the most complete of the G-Unit songs puts them in the runner-up, and Joe doing the chorus work was excellent. The inverse of this song, "Ride With You", didn't even breach my playlist. As I heard a white kid say on a great show once, G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G UNIT!
#1: Jay-Z, "99 Problems"
It's beyond psycho of me, but I imagine Hov sitting down in his favorite chair somewhere going over a to-do list. Hottest chick in the game wearing my chain? Check. Best rapper alive? *listens to "Just Lose It"* Double check. So much cash my great-grandkids won't have to get a real job? Yup. Well, hell, what's left for me to do? I should get one of the guys who started this whole rap/rock thing to produce a song for me. Yeah, that'll do. The LP version with "Points Of Authority" & "One Step Closer" is crazy sick, too. But make no mistake: You was doing 55 in a 54 is the Line of the Year. I will NOT argue this. The man threw in saccharine. SACCHARINE! How, as a ex-journalism major hip-hop head can I not love this? Simple: I can't. So it's the Song of the Year.
12/1/04
Jingle Balls Rock
Not Naughty Enough List:
Gail Kim, 8; Jennifer Walcott, 18; Christina Aguilera, 25
25) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, peak 16)
24) Esther Baxter (debut)
23) Gloria Velez (14x2)
22) Pam Anderson (12x2)
21) Carmen Electra (13/5)
20) Natalie Portman (re-entry, 8)
19) Dawn Marie (23/19)
18) Rachel Bilson (24/10)
17) Halle Berry (17x2)
16) Heidi Klum (20/10)
15) Jamie Pressly (19/7)
14) Eliza Dushku (7/3)
13) Beyonce Knowles (16/4)
12) Kitana Baker (15/12)
11) Kristanna Loken (11/8)
TEN
Salma Hayek (re-entry)
NINE
Eva Longoria (21/9)
EIGHT
Josie Maran (10/8)
SEVEN
Vida Guerra (9/6)
SIX
Adriana Lima (6/3)
FIVE
Angelina Jolie (3/1)
FOUR
Lindsay Lohan (5/3)
THREE
Brooke Burke (2/1)
TWO
Jessica Alba (4/1)
ONE
Trish Stratus (1x2)
Ambient music: Living Colour - Cult Of Personality
Gail Kim, 8; Jennifer Walcott, 18; Christina Aguilera, 25
25) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, peak 16)
24) Esther Baxter (debut)
23) Gloria Velez (14x2)
22) Pam Anderson (12x2)
21) Carmen Electra (13/5)
20) Natalie Portman (re-entry, 8)
19) Dawn Marie (23/19)
18) Rachel Bilson (24/10)
17) Halle Berry (17x2)
16) Heidi Klum (20/10)
15) Jamie Pressly (19/7)
14) Eliza Dushku (7/3)
13) Beyonce Knowles (16/4)
12) Kitana Baker (15/12)
11) Kristanna Loken (11/8)
TEN
Salma Hayek (re-entry)
NINE
Eva Longoria (21/9)
EIGHT
Josie Maran (10/8)
SEVEN
Vida Guerra (9/6)
SIX
Adriana Lima (6/3)
FIVE
Angelina Jolie (3/1)
FOUR
Lindsay Lohan (5/3)
THREE
Brooke Burke (2/1)
TWO
Jessica Alba (4/1)
ONE
Trish Stratus (1x2)
Ambient music: Living Colour - Cult Of Personality
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