Best song I downloaded this year Anything off of Night Ripper (no, I'm not even close to done pimping it out, why do you ask?) or Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy", natch
My favorite new toy Blue Katana! The second-best looking Katana/eh I know. Favorite word or phrase of 2006 C'mon. Say it with me, now:
That is IT! I have HAD IT with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
Honorable mention: hahahahahahahahaWORD. -- Flav.
Today I'm a free man. Ladies look out. Fuck a wife. Give me my kids BITCH!--K-Fed
I'm 99% positive that Randolph & Mortimer Duke recently wagered $1 that they could turn the funniest, most successful stand-up comic into a disturbed bum on the street and turn a random unfunny guy off the street into the hottest comic in the land with TV specials and a feature film. How else can you explain the fall of Dave Chappelle and the rise of Dane Cook? It is the only answer. Looking good, Dane Cook! Feeling good, Dave Chappelle--Simmons reader
How do you always have 2 hot chicks who always want you? You're the ugliest fucking CHUD I've ever seen in my life and there are always two girls fighting over you!--Randal, Clerks II
Memo to John L. Smith: Learn the f'ing rules and realize your timeouts are not like cell-phone minutes--they do not carry over!!!--crazed MSU radio guy after they blew it against Notre Dame
"Because you all ignited it," he said to a small room of reporters. "You listen to eBay and e-mail and all that junk, and you all kept writing about it and that fans it and makes it grow and grow, and it becomes a cancer. That's why."--Bobby Bowden responding to FSU criticism
Debra Fordman says she likes shopping at Dollar Palace because it's cheap and convienent. "I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something," she said. -- Letterman Small Town News segment
any Keith Olbermann special comment
Best James Brown song "Sex Machine", even if I'm really partial to "It's A Man's Man's Man's World".
Best movie moment of the year (tie) Borat and whispering to my friends during the end of Pirates 2 as they were floating downstream after they sent Sparrow off "How'd they end up in New Orleans?" Saddest celebrity breakup Miss Nevada and fun. I never thought I'd say this, but the no-goodniks run this country. Man crush of the year All the incoming members of the House and Congress waving the blue Best sex I've had all year A gentlemen doesn't kiss and tell, and neither do I.--Michael Scott
Obsession of the year Finding employment. Biggest disappointment of the year Everything with my Grandma and throwing in 50 hours a week for seven months and not being able to make her better at all before she passed. Best TV moment of the year (tie) the Veronica Mars season finale, and Stephen Colbert's meltdown after the election Trend I'm most sick of See Obsession. So bad I cannot mount sufficient hate to everybody ugly bringing sexybackCHEAH. You need to invent your own catchphrases, same as nicknames. Dinkin flicka. Rock star moment of the year One time I stayed up all night with my Grandma and then went straight to work, pulled a 7-hour shift, and came home and made myself dinner. No, wait-- I still think it was worth it.
Britney, Paris, or Lindsay? Zoinks, yo. Lindsay's winning by default, I suppose... Biggest time-suck MySpace, which is probably going to win this award for the next 15 years. Favorite sign of the apocalypse They gave me Time's Man of the Year award this year. Where were y'all the last three years? I was rolling like my name was Chong. I suppose some may argue my humanitarian if ultimately futile work with my grandmother counts, but c'mon. I don't think the Man of the Year is supposed to be jobless (frankly the fact that am I reeks of racism, that's right, I said it). Most expensive purchase You need money for those things is what they tell me.
Ambition for 2007 I think I have the same ones, more or less. Pretty flat year. Turn these 17,000 words into about 90,000 and get an agent for the publishing of Title TBD. Serious relationship with the right woman (also TBD). New job. Financial and self freedom. Getting gone. Going back to Vegas. Save It For Later Harvey Danger cover
DROPS: "Tell Me Baby" - 11 "Hate (I Really Don't Like You) " - 12 "Nausea" - 14 "Sexy Love" - 15
15. How To Save A Life ¤ the Fray (10) 14. Make It Rain ¤ Lil' Wayne feat. Fat Joe (debut) 13. I Will Follow You Into The Dark ¤ Death Cab For Cutie (8) 12. Show Me What You Got ¤ Jay-Z (6) 11. Fergalicious ¤ Fergie (13)*
10. Snow (Hey Oh) ¤ Red Hot Chili Peppers (re-entry) 9. Irreplaceable ¤ Beyonce (9)* 8. Steady, As She Goes ¤ the Raconteurs (5) 7. Say It Right ¤ Nelly Furtado (7)* 6. Wind It Up ¤ Gwen Stefani (debut)
5. White And Nerdy ¤ 'Weird' Al Yankovic (debut) 4. When You Were Young ¤ the Killers (3)
3. Waiting On The World To Change ¤ John Mayer (4)*
2. Anna Molly ¤ Incubus (2)*
1. Money Maker ¤ Ludacris feat. Pharrell (1) [1m]
Where Is The Love? Black Eyed Peas feat. Justin Timberlake
This is not our country, despite reports to the contrary. I mean, if Miss USA has to pull a Mel for liking barely legal poon and they strip Miss Nevada for minor offenses like this, let's just knock down Mt. Rushmore and get started on the big statue of Osama. Jeez.
I'm sure some of you with jobs and significant others may wonder why I'm so much better that Time felt it necessary to honor me instead of you. A few reasons come to mind.
I still have never made a purchase from Starbucks.
I didn't bring sexyback; when you remain something, the necessity of bringing it back is none.
By keeping the #21 powder blue freezer crisp, LaDainian Tomlinson is having the best season in the history of recorded sports.
I was into Girl Talk before you.
Propelled YouTube and MySpace into the stratosphere when normal people would've polished their resumes.
By sheer force of thought, got NewsRadio reruns back on the air.
Am currently about 60 pages into this novel, which we'll call the first.
Thought a shitload of Republicans should be forced from office before it became trendy.
STILL the Best Running Man in the County.
Renamed my blog to reference the Roots.
14 shots of Goose. Amount of vomit: 0.
Named my fantasy football team the T.Overdose, and then watched them fail to make the playoffs. That's right, I sacrificed a season for hilarity and accuracy.
Am a black male, lived to see 27, and still don't have an arrest record.
Didn't write horribly crappy song just to get Petra Nemcova and cheat on her later.
Now, usually I have something deep to say that sums up the year. And I'll get to it.
But first, to the progenitors of "Chicken Noodle Soup", "Chain Hang Low", BALLIN'!, people bringing sexyback months after the song came out, and "everything Rihanna did this year", I have but one thing to say to you: when I see you, it's not going to be pretty. And by 'not going to be pretty', I mean I will punch you all in the face with a speeding U-Haul.
You ask for Hova to come back and he half-asses it. You ask for your horizons to widen and suddenly you're listening to "Scentless Apprentice" backgrounding "Soul Survivor". And just when you think you'll never get to hear Cee-Lo without a backpack on...yeah.
In awards held prior to the ceremony: Night Ripper from Girl Talk got Album of the Year (seriously, the lead track has "Wait" over "Bittersweet Symphony"--and yes, he's using BSS because he could get sued for the 250ish samples on this--immediately followed by "I Ain't Heard Of That" over "Wonderwall" in 40 of the best seconds of the year. And knowledgeable enough about his skills to end with "Neva Eva". What's that Lil' Flip says? Game over?)
Everything I mentioned up in paragraph two tied for Axis Of Evil of the Year, and since they narrowly missed the top 25 the Arctic Monkeys will have to make do with Opening Line of the Year from their near-ubiquitous single "I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor": Stop making the eyes at me, I'll stop making the eyes at you. If I had a nickel for every time I thought that.
And in the second-biggest non shock of these proceedings, somehow OK Go managed to win Video of the Year. (BTW, Hinder talking shit about how OK Go doesn't rock is like K-Fed telling Clark Kent to get a job.)
Anyways...yes, let's...commence... YET THE BRAIN KICKIN', THINKING OF 1,000 THINGS (HONORABLE MENTION) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Tell Me Baby NeYo - SexyLove the Roots - Don't Feel Right the Killers - When You Were Young Pharrell feat. Kanye - Number 1 Weezer - Perfect Situation Big Boi & the Purple Ribbon All-Stars - Kryptonite (I'm On It) GEORGE MASON WHAT Kelly Clarkson - Walk Away
I KNOW. I KNOW! YEP. YEAH, YOU TOO. 25) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance I also only look for sympathy by the act of doing it. So I know where the kids are coming from here. RIFF of the Year 24) Pearl Jam ¤ Life Wasted Amount of time it took to win Riff of the Year: 6 seconds. Some Tenworthy stuff from the last survivors of grunge, a motivational speech with the kick in the ass guitar-supplied. 23) Beyonce feat. Jay-Z ¤ Deja Vu Apparently this is where all the better rhymes went for Sean this year. Not quite "Crazy In Love", but it's good enough. 22) She Wants Revenge ¤ Tear You Apart Joy Division and Pete Rock's bastard child talk about animal lust with a wholly depressing stutter behind it. Which just makes the animal lust stand out all the more. 21) John Mayer ¤ Waiting On The World To Change 20) Dixie Chicks ¤ Not Ready To Make Nice
Dear George,
Just wait until November.
Love, John.
Dear George,
Hello. Our names are Martie, Emily, and Natalie. You killed our careers for a couple years. Prepare to die.
P.S. FUCK YOU.Stronger message to follow.
Sincerely, the Dixie Chicks.
19) the Bravery ¤ Unconditional A great song that New Order didn't write...I guess...about the less fun upside of being single: the constant flip-flop of not caving vs. wanting someone in your life. 18) Yung Joc ¤ It's Goin' Down Come on, it's okay. Just do the dance. Nobody's looking.
17) Regina Spektor ¤ Fidelity I swear next year I'll have a Horribly Underplayed Song of the Year category. A kinda-sorta love song so great Veronica Mars used it, even if it didn't ultimately break the title character's fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaalll.
16) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen The winners of last year's Line of the Year almost pulled it off again this year with any of the first four lines, praised their own personal saviors, had some adult beverages, got in a fight, and provided another 3½ minutes of feet-stomping singalong rock'n'roll the way it used to beish. No wonder everybody loves these guys! 15) Three 6 Mafia ¤ Stay Fly The best part of a great party jam happens right off in the background: you're my peeps/'till I die...But nobody remembers that because the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chorus sticks in your he-he-he-he-he-head. Shit, where do you think Regina Spektor got the idea? And Girl Talk's minute of this over "1979" is phenawesomenal.
14) Cassie ¤ Me & U A model-looking chick--except with the actual pedigree--drums up enough courage to make her move, now, over a beat I'm almost positive got lifted from the Bravery.
13) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick You know, for a talented guy you'd think he'd have some concept of what exactly a self-fulfilling prophecy entails...
12) Death Cab For Cutie ¤ I Will Follow You Into The Dark Feel the love.
11) Fall Out Boy ¤ A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me' This shouldn't made the top 25. The song was too short. The title was too long. The video was too goofy. And it was the 3rd single after two other hit singles. So why did this chart so high for me? Because I am the progeny of people who actually set their clocks late so they're always early, and I've blown it with a girl. Or 47.
And now, for the creme de la menthe!
10) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N Luv With A Stripper (remix) Been there. Done that. Got the receipt to prove it. And the fact this song starts off as a barely revved up acoustic guitar...there is great, and then there is really great. This would be the second. 9) Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland ¤ Promiscuous What happened to my crunchy fair-voiced baby!? Minutes later, I realized I didn't care. Much as I thought Kevin Smith was making a mistake with Clerks II that ended up turning into one of my favorite movies of the year, Miss Nash rebounded from "Powerless (Say What You Want)" dying a quick death a couple years ago with her strongest outing to date, Timbaland providing beats and banter all the way. "I Got A Man" for the new generation, and I mean that in the most positive of ways. 8) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky Literally inches away from Video of the Year. The whole President Nixon-Nia Long-'Gold Digger" callback-standing by TV bumper interlude was damn near too funny for words. Oh, by the way, this song also features Kanye's expert wordplay, a great horn section, and some kid named Lupe. 7) E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak ¤ Tell Me When To Go That's what going stupid is? I've been doing that since Hammer days! Despite possibly making me engage in legal action, the Bay Area veteran's missile into the middle class did so many great things this year you could find it emulated by A's fans, Playboy cover girls, and thankfully let Lil' Jon finally make a little bit of cash from this music thing. Is it weird because of a certain period between '99 and '01 and how I roll I think of stunna shades as Christian shades? HOOK of the Year 6) T.I. ¤ What You Know Allow me to invent a genre, so far as I know: menacing bounce. Look up this song in the hip-hop dictionary, and if it's the new edition that's where you'll find it. "Going Back To Cali": Less Than Zero:: this :: ATL. 5) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. New Booty Please, please, no USC quarterbacking jokes. When you run into your first-ever high school crush after about a decade, and you love a song, and she really loves a song, yeah, that's a slight advantage in your quest to get in good at a year-ending list. Plus, I'm an ass man by nature anyhow. Ah, memories... 4) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist Not only did they almost win hook of the year again, about six lines from this got line of the year consideration. This is a sign of a Very Good Band. The shortest song on Get Behind Me Satan's singles list is so simple and accurate that the only imperfection is it's only two and a half minutes long instead of 3 or 4. 3) the Raconteurs ¤ Steady, As She Goes Dude, I just got finished bigging you up. Jesus. Fine, fine, fine: when I heard VM was coming up with a new open, I deemed this after a couple short months as the only song that could really replace "We Used To Be Friends". It had it all: thinking you found a friend, a great riff, and that insistent end of Are you steady nowwwwwww? signifying anything but. At least I haven't had too much to think yet. LINE of the Year 2) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along If I'd had a better year, Kanye would've gotten this accolade. And maybe even this spot. Instead, the Everybody Hurts-style song summed up damn near the entirety of my 2006. Miss dating opportunities? Caretaker 50 hours a week for free? Get fired for your first offense? Get creditors calling you daily? Run into three figures and two phones worth of debt? Lose your room? Lose your cable? Lose your grandmother? Have your mom revert back to what she was? Have to keep pretending you have a job because your mom reverts back to what she was?
When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through
It almost makes the fact the lead guy's attached to Kim Smith forgiveable, if you ask me. 1) Gnarls Barkley ¤ Crazy About as big a shock as Jessica Alba winning my hottie list every 2 months. And just about as big a cakewalk. It's a remarkable thing for a song to be played everywhere for months on end and your instinct time and time again is to turn it up to 11. Yes, everywhere. Hip-hop. Top 40. Pop. Alternative. The fucking jazz station, for god's sake. And who would've thought they'd get the last ha ha ha with a club banging electro hip-hop orchestral tune about insanity? Bless their souls. And doubly bless their awesome live show I need to see next year, assuming I ever get money again.
A prologue: Girl Talk's Night Ripper is so far and away the best album of the year that every other album released this year should get together and file a class-action rape charge. You think I'm kidding.
15. SexyLove ¤ NeYo (10) 14. Nausea ¤ Beck (15) 13. Fergalicious ¤ Fergie (12)* 12. Hate (I Really Don't Like You) ¤ Plain White T's (9) 11. Tell Me Baby ¤ Red Hot Chili Peppers (3)
10. How To Save A Life ¤ the Fray (debut) 9. Irreplaceable ¤ Beyonce (debut) 8. I Will Follow You Into The Dark ¤ Death Cab For Cutie (8) 7. Say It Right ¤ Nelly Furtado (debut) 6. Show Me What You Got ¤ Jay-Z (11)*
5. Steady, As She Goes ¤ the Raconteurs (4) 4. Waiting On The World To Change ¤ John Mayer (6)*
2. Is it possible a newspaper is somehow mentally stalking me again?! This is twice in almost four months. And if their taste is so good, why don't they hire me? And I thought the fact my match.com profile went through was the weirdest thing that was going to happen tonight...
Been a long time since I got in here. Let's start cleaning house.
Tragically, this might've been my best NaNo showing to date. And in Vonnegutian fashion I find the first three chapters fine and don't want to change a page after about 478 hours of minor tweaking. I just got to figure out how I'm opening chapter 4 and keep going from there. I can finish before I turn 28. This I know now.
Living broke without a cellphone in 2006 America is the next closest thing to being homeless. I think this is why I don't feel like writing; my character is living a much better life than I am, and I'm holding it against her. Everything is a stress. I'm thinking about getting a credit card, which in the long run is like deciding injection over the chair, but it's getting to the 11th hour where people are going to go without Christmas presents. Le sigh.
Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan. My groin's starting to itch just looking at it.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA on cue my mix CD has launched into "Hoochie Mama". All my audio knows me better than I know myself.
Everybody's leaving to go to Vegas right before Christmas. Not going. Family vacation, let alone in Vegas, is like taunting Suge Knight. There's a way I spend my time in Vegas, and it ain't got jack shit to do with family. Unless you count mother/daughter. Plus, family vacations always sound more placid in theory and then about 45 minutes into it somebody (say, Mom) is at somebody else's (say, Quay's) throat and the room becomes a cell. Besides, when The Medicore Depression ends in employment and I get back in black I'm going with my friends, who are like family you can ditch without the guilt trips.
Poor Rob. You want to talk, I'm here.
I hate you, NFL Network.
You speak/of signs and wonders/but I need/something other/I would believe/if I was able/but I'm waiting on the crumbs from your table...
Why is everybody breaking up BUT Jessica & Cash? And if that Jessica Biel rumor is true, she can expect to swanddive down the fuck ladder on the next go-round.
I want to think about doing something for New Year's Eve, but what?
The one highlight of my life is the party I'm throwing when the fam is out of town getting such a tremendous response the first week out--I'm already looking at around 15 definites so far. Not only that, a great combination of at least my 3 closest friends, some new friends (my DJ buddy might change his mind about doing some work when he sees my 18 gigs), and some friends I haven't seen in forever. Plus I can neither confirm nor deny rumors John Mayer may show up. It'll be nice to be with everybody who's carried me through this time, have some poker, drinks, good times. Niiiiiiiiiiice!
Friendistry? Chemistry? Stupid Joey and her plus one. I need a hook-up, damnit!
By the way, about the whole waiting to declare Chapter 11 thing before finding a potential, there's a reason Groin's name isn't Brain.
Did I mention I have a wishlist on the sidebar? Done.
Funny moment as Danny worried about the Chargers losing to the Aaron Brooks led Raiders going into the 4th quarter. I pointed this out to him, and 2 plays later the pic was in the air. Should also be said Danny's excellent photography, no matter how evil it may make me look, will be at the partay.
Scrubs is back tonight after The Office and My Name Is Earl. Waaaaayyyyyyyyyy too excited about this, I am.
The more I hear "Baby Got Back", the more I'm convinced a) Sir-Mix-A-Lot was a prophet and b) here's another thing (said song's mentality going out) the white man stole from us.
I promise to play "Christmas In Hollis" every hour on the hour until I get too drunk to do so.
This is the hardest time of the year anyway. Just got to keep on keepin' on and get to '07. After all, I have a 10-year-reunion to think about and alternate life I'm leading to tell people.
DROPS: All Gnarls--"Crazy" was #8, "Gone Daddy Gone" #13
15. Nausea ¤ Beck (12) 14. Maneater ¤ Nelly Furtado (debut) 13. London Bridge (Oh, Shit) ¤ Fergie (14)* 12. Fergalicious ¤ Fergie (15)* 11. Show Me What You Got ¤ Jay-Z (11)*
10. SexyLove ¤ Ne-Yo (6) 9. Snow (Hey Oh) ¤ Red Hot Chili Peppers (debut) 8. I Will Follow You Into The Dark ¤ Death Cab For Cutie (3) 7. Hate (I Really Don't Like You) ¤ Plain White Ts (9)* 6. Waiting On The World To Change ¤ John Mayer (7)*
5. Anna Molly ¤ Incubus (10)* 4. Steady, As She Goes ¤ the Raconteurs (5)
Further evidence this is Tom's world and we just have profiles on it--
ACT I So I wrote to Jenna Fischer's MS blog a few weeks ago that since she loved 24 (as do I) and was going to be on Letterman with Keifer that she should totally get him to be her voicemail message; some sort of variant on "WHAT ARE THE DIGITS?! WHAT PURPOSE ARE YOU SERVING!"
ACT II We fast-forward to today's blog from Jenna:
I met Kiefer!!! It was only for like 1 minute backstage. He was leaving stage and I was getting ready to go on. I didn't have my cell phone with me so I couldn't ask him to record an outgoing message. Instead, I babbled on and on about how much I love 24 and how he totally deserved the Emmy win. He was very polite and humble and wished me luck with Dave.
I better not tell her I'm rooting for Karen the rest of the year and Jim/Pam for life after that, she'd be furious. Which would be kinda cute, actually...
ACT III I was quick and decisive with my response, however--
That's so sad you didn't get Keifer to do the voicemail. I would've called myself all the time if I'd been able to get one and never picked up. I bet friends would've gotten upset if you actually, you know, answered your own phone.
Uh...DVD recommendations. I'm a little goofy and whatnot, but I recommend anything with Kevin Smith, John Cusack, and, of course, Coming To America.
I am now officially psyched up for Thursday. Here's to your good luck and improving ratings! -
I'm sure if I hadn't gone out for 8 jobs this week and already gotten shut down for 2, if the installation fee for the internet didn't fall on my head somehow due to the move, if I had any money, if the people looking for said money stopped calling three times a day and I didn't have to stay up until 2 a.m. to get some fucking quiet in this house I would be on pace or ahead.
Then again, wouldn't be my life, would it?
A village of supporting characters is cropping up. My idea to write four times a day in 15-minute bursts is going okay. Perhaps I should've thought of it before 5 hours ago. Brittany is going to have to address her singlehood, her brother David is going to have to address whether she wants it, and she might be into either the guy who was a victim of his girlfriend beating him in the library, the officer making the arrest, the reporter who's about to launch her into the stratosphere, or the guy her best friend wants to set her up with.
I'm on my way I don't know where I'm goin' I'm on my way I'm taking my time but I don't know where...
Oh, in order to write the first club scene I did put together the DJ BC Saturday Night Mix, which for all none of you who care goes like this
1 - Madison Avenue, "Don't Call Me Baby" 2 - Mobb Deep feat. 50 Cent & Nate Dogg, "Have A Party" 3 - Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana, "Run It (remix)" 4 - Purple Ribbon All-Stars feat. Big Boi, "Kryptonite (I'm On It)" 5 - Jackson 5, "I Want You Back" 6 - Dem Franchize Boyz feat. Jermaine Dupri, Da Brat, and Bow Wow, "I Think They Like Me (remix)" 7 - Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip, "Turn It Up" 8 - Cassie, "Me & U" (in a perfect world it would've been the DJ Steve 1nder mash with the Cure's "Close To You" with the backbeat. ahhhhhhhhh.)
9 Tears Of A Shakeoff DJ AM's Mariah Carey/Smokey Robinson and the Miracles mash
10 - Franz Ferdinand, "Take Me Out" 11 - Three 6 Mafia feat. 8-Ball, MJG, and Young Buck, "Stay Fly" 12 - E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak, "Tell Me When To Go" 13 - Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins, "Ms. New Booty" 14 - Fall Out Boy, "Dance, Dance" 15 - Yung Joc, "It's Goin' Down" 16 - Sean Paul, "Temperature" 17 - The Outfield, "Your Love" 18 - Lighter Shade Of Brown, "Hey DJ" 19 - Kurupt feat. Snoop Dogg, Warren G, and Nate Dogg, "Ain't No Fun"
Feel free to burn it and try it on your own fun endeavors. I'm going to take a short break and hopefully can get another half hour's work in before I go out and fuel up.
15. Fergalicious ¤ Fergie (debut) 14. London Bridge (Oh, Shit) ¤ Fergie (14) 13. Gone Daddy Gone ¤ Gnarls Barkley (7) 12. Nausea ¤ Beck (15)* 11. Show Me What You Got ¤ Jay-Z (13)*
10. Anna Molly ¤ Incubus (debut) 9. Hate (I Really Don't Like You) ¤ Plain White Ts (9)* 8. Crazy ¤ Gnarls Barkley (8) 7. Waiting On The World To Change ¤ John Mayer (10)* 6. SexyLove ¤ Ne-Yo (4)
5. Steady, As She Goes ¤ the Raconteurs (5) 4. Money Maker ¤ Ludacris feat. Pharrell (6)*
3. I Will Follow You Into The Dark ¤ Death Cab For Cutie (3)*
I believe I will be marking the invitation BYOB for bring your own BOOYAH! Now do I keep him on the Dead To Me list since the psuedorreroists have taken care of it already, or...
*= this post won't have the gravitas necessary to both my foreign fans.
And you should know how the rest of that lyric goes. KO?
We are, as every generation, inseparable from our own time.
Thus is our perspective, inevitably that of the explorer looking into the wrong end of the telescope.
But even accounting for our myopia, it’s hard to imagine there have been many elections more important than this one, certainly not in non-presidential years.
And so we look at the verdict in the trial of Saddam Hussein yesterday, and, with the very phrase “October, or November, Surprise” now a part of our vernacular, and the chest-thumping coming from so many of the Republican campaigners today, each of us must wonder about the convenience of the timing of his conviction and sentencing.
But let us give history and coincidence the benefit of the doubt—let’s say it’s just “happened” that way—and for a moment not look into the wrong end of the telescope.
Let’s perceive instead the bigger picture:
Saddam Hussein, found guilty in an Iraqi court.
Who can argue against that?
He is officially, what the world always knew he was: a war criminal.
Mr. Bush, was this imprimatur, worth the cost of 2,832 American lives, and thousands more American lives yet to be lost?
Is the conviction of Saddam Hussein the reason you went to war in Iraq?
Or did you go to war in Iraq because of the weapons of mass destruction that did not exist?
Or did you go to war in Iraq because of the connection between Iraq and al-Qaida that did not exist?
Or did you go to war in Iraq to break the bonds of tyranny there, while installing the mechanisms of tyranny here?
Or did you go to war in Iraq because you felt the need to wreak vengeance against somebody, anybody?
Or did you go to war in Iraq to contain a rogue state which, months earlier, your own administration had declared had been fully contained by sanctions?
Or did you go to war in Iraq to keep gas prices down?
How startling it was, sir, to hear you introduce oil to your stump speeches over the weekend.
Not four years removed from the most dismissive, the most condescending, the most ridiculing denials of the very hint at, as Mr. Rumsfeld put it, this “nonsense.”
There you were, campaigning in Colorado, in Nebraska, in Florida, in Kansas -- suddenly turning this ‘unpatriotic idea’ into a platform plank.
"You can imagine a world in which these extremists and radicals got control of energy resources," you told us. "And then you can imagine them saying, 'We're going to pull a bunch of oil off the market to run your price of oil up unless you do the following.'"
Having frightened us, having bullied us, having lied to us, having ignored and rewritten the Constitution under our noses, having stayed the course, having denied you’ve stayed the course, having belittled us about "timelines" but instead extolled "benchmarks," you’ve now resorted, sir, to this?
We must stay in Iraq to save the $2 gallon of gas?
Mr. President, there is no other conclusion we can draw as we go to the polls tomorrow.
Sir, you have been making this up as you went along.
This country was founded to prevent anybody from making it up as they went along. Those vaunted Founding Fathers of ours have been so quoted up, that they appear as marble statues: like the chiseled guards of China, or the faces on Mount Rushmore. But in fact they were practical people and the thing they obviously feared most was a government of men and not laws.
They provided the checks and balances for a reason.
No one man could run the government the way he saw fit -- unless he, at the least, took into consideration what those he governed saw.
A House of Representatives would be the people's eyes.
A Senate would be the corrective force on that House.
An executive would do the work, and hold the Constitution to his chest like his child.
A Supreme Court would oversee it all.
Checks and balances.
Where did that go, Mr. Bush?
And what price did we pay because we have let it go?
Saddam Hussein will get out of Iraq the same way 2,832 Americans have and thousands more. He’ll get out faster than we will.
And if nothing changes tomorrow, you, sir, will be out of the White House long before the rest of us can say we are out of Iraq.
And whose fault is this?
Not truly yours. You took advantage of those of us who were afraid, and those of us who believed unity and nation took precedence over all else.
But we let you take that advantage.
And so we let you go to war in Iraq to oust Saddam or find non-existant weapons or avenge 9/11 or fight terrorists who only got there after we did or as cover to change the fabric of our Constitution or for lower prices at The Texaco or…?
There are still a few hours left before the polls open, sir. There are many rationalizations still untried.
And whatever your motives of the moment, we the people have, in true good faith and with the genuine patriotism of self-sacrifice (of which you have shown you know nothing), we have let you go on making it up as you went along.
I figured this year every 5,000 words I would reward myself with a post about the novel and how it's going. One, because I figure talking about it will keep me doing it (barring horrible illness again). Two, because I know some of you are wondering how a normal person is trying to do a 50k novel in the course of a month as opposed to Crazy Aussie Man who last I heard is rocking himself to sleep muttering "semi-colon, semi-colon, semi-colon". And three, because I can't live on writing the novel alone; I need to break it up.
First of all, the decision to leave the house today and go to a community computer was awesome. No brother pouting, no mother yelling, just me and the taunting cursor. Better yet, no waiting for 2 a.m. for the quiet, or trying to steal it in 110-word bursts in the middle of the day wondering when the other shoe is going to drop and the real world unfocuses me. I unfocus myself enough, thanks--don't need help on the arms of outside services.
Second, the goal is 1,750 a day. It's a little bit better than average with the idea that that little bit better over the course of a month is to get me done a day or two early (a good idea seeing Thanksgiving is around the corner--where did the year go? OH. Right.). So far I am batting 66%, which will be up to 75% by the time I get done today.
Third, I wrote the opening stuff. I'm pretty sure how I am going to end it, and know of at least 4--maybe 6?--semi-major to major events I want to happen in the creamy middle. The rest? We leave that up to the ether and what comes out of it.
This year's novel is actually one of those fun "inspired by real life events" that I didn't know I was going to do until the day before Labor Day. It's a simple story of a DJ. Who happens to be rich. And white. And a girl. I threw in a black adopted younger brother, his girlfriend who goes from struggling actress to supernova, a best friend coming back from her dad's suicide after his Golden Boy status at a network went from Midas to DeLorean (those parts inspired by the five-star Desperate Networks, which is probably going to end up my Book of the Year by Bill Carter), and a couple of ancillary characters who are surprisingly making good cases to stick around more than I had booked them into being. Presto. This is drawing from some of last year's failed attempt, but Brittany Cattroli is her own girl and this is her own story. Matter of fact, she's beginning to come up with stuff on her own. I hope it continues.
If you guys have any questions, I'll try to answer them in the comments or send you messages. See ya when I see ya--right now I got a cute girl who's got a Rakim itch she needs to scratch.
(Scratch! DJ! I slay me.)
P.S.: This Is A Journey Into Sound. Spin Spin Sugar. Possible titles. Thumbs up or thumbs down?
15. Nausea ¤ Beck (14) 14. London Bridge (Oh, Shit) ¤ Fergie (12) 13. Show Me What You Got ¤ Jay-Z (debut) 12. Here It Goes Again ¤ OK Go (10) 11. U & Dat ¤ E-40 feat. T-Pain (9)
10. Waiting On The World To Change ¤ John Mayer (13)* 9. Hate (I Really Don't Like You) ¤ Plain White Ts (debut) 8. Crazy ¤ Gnarls Barkley (5) 7. Gone Daddy Gone ¤ Gnarls Barkley (7)* 6. Money Maker ¤ Ludacris feat. Pharrell (8)*
5. Steady, As She Goes ¤ the Raconteurs (2) 4. SexyLove ¤ Ne-Yo (3)
3. I Will Follow You Into The Dark ¤ Death Cab For Cutie (6)*
Tonight, a special comment on the advertising of terrorism – the commercial you have already seen.
It is a distillation of everything this administration and the party in power have tried to do these last five years and six weeks.
It is from the Republican National Committee;
It shows images of Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri;
It offers quotes from them—all as a clock ticks ominously in the background.
It concludes with what Zawahiri may or may not have said to a Pakistani journalist as long ago as 2001: His dubious claim that he had purchased “suitcase bombs.”
The quotation is followed (by sheer coincidence no doubt) by an image of a massive explosion.
“These are the stakes,” appears on the screen, quoting exactly from Lyndon Johnson’s infamous nuclear scare commercial from 1964.
“Vote—November 7th.”
There is a cheap “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” quality to the whole thing, and it also serves to immediately call to mind the occasions when President Bush dismissed Osama bin Laden as somebody he didn’t think about—except, obviously, when elections were near.
Frankly, a lot of people seeing that commercial for the first time, have laughed out loud.
But—not everyone.
And therein lies the true threat to this country.
The dictionary definition of the word “terrorize” is simple and not open to misinterpretation: “To fill or overpower with terror; terrify. To coerce by intimidation or fear.”
Note please, that the words “violence” and “death” are missing from that definition.
The key to terror, the key to terrorism, is not the act—but the fear of the act.
That is why bin Laden and his deputies and his imitators are forever putting together videotaped statements and releasing virtual infomercials with dire threats and heart-stopping warnings.
But why is the Republican Party imitating them?
Bin Laden puts out what amounts to a commercial of fear; The Republicans put out what is unmistakable as a commercial of fear.
The Republicans are paying to have the messages of bin Laden and the others broadcast into your home.
Only the Republicans have a bigger bank roll.
When, last week, the CNN network ran video of an insurgent in Iraq, evidently stalking and killing an American soldier, the Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, Mr. Hunter, Republican of California, branded that channel, quote, “the publicist for an enemy propaganda film” and that CNN used it “to sell commercials.”
Another California Republican, Rep. Brian Bilbray, called the video “nothing short of a terrorist snuff film.”
If so, Mr. Bilbray, then what in the hell is your Party’s new advertisement?
And Mr. Hunter, CNN using the video to “sell commercials”?
Commercials!
You have adopted bin Laden and Zawahiri as spokesmen for the Republican National Committee!
“To fill or overpower with terror; terrify. To coerce by intimidation or fear.”
By this definition, the people who put these videos together—first the terrorists and then the administration—whose shared goal is to scare you into panicking instead of thinking—they are the ones terrorizing you.
By this definition, the leading terrorist group in this world right now is al Qaida.
But the leading terrorist group in this country right now is the Republican Party.
Eleven Presidents ago, a chief executive reassured us that “we have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
His distant successor has wasted his administration insisting that there is nothing we can have but fear itself.
The vice president, as recently as this month, was caught campaigning with the phrase “mass death in the United States.”
Four years ago it was the now-Secretary of State, Dr. Rice, rationalizing Iraq with “we don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.”
Days later Mr. Bush himself told an audience that “we cannot wait for the final proof, the smoking gun, that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud.”
And now we have this cheesy commercial—complete with images of a faked mushroom cloud, and implications of “mass death in America.”
This administration has derived benefit and power from terrorizing the very people it claims to be protecting from terror.
It may be the oldest trick in the political book: scare people into believing they are in danger and that only you can save them.
Lyndon Johnson used it to bury Barry Goldwater.
Joe McCarthy leaped from obscurity on its back.
And now the legacy has come to President George Bush.
Of course, the gruel of fear is getting thinner and thinner, is it not, Mr. President?
And thus more and more of it needs to be made out of less and less actual terror.
After last week’s embarrassing Internet hoax about ‘dirty bombs’ at football stadiums, the one your Department of Homeland Security immediately disseminated to the public, a self-described “former CIA operative” named Wayne Simmons, cited the fiasco as “the, and I mean the, perfect example of the President’s Military Commissions Act of 2006 and the NSA terrorist eavesdropping program - how vital they are.”
Frank Gaffney, once a respected assistant secretary of defense and now the president of something called the Center for Security Policy, added, “one of the things that I hope Americans take away from this, is not only that they’re gunning for us not just in a place like Iraq—but truly, worldwide.”
Of course, the “they” to which Mr. Gaffney referred, turned out to be a lone 20-year-old grocery bagger from Wisconsin named Jake—a kid, trying to one-up some other loser in an Internet game of chicken.
His “threat,” referenced seven football stadiums at which dirty bombs were to be exploded yesterday. It began with the one in New York City - even though there isn’t one in New York City. And though the attacks were supposed to be simultaneous, four of the games were scheduled to start at 1 p.m. ET and the others at 4 p.m. ET.
More over, the kid said he’d posted the identical message on 40 websites since September.
We caught him in “merely” about six weeks, even though the only way he could have been less subtle, less stealthy, and less of a threat was if he’d bought an advertisement on the Super Bowl broadcast.
Mr. Bush, this is the—what? – 100th plot your people have revealed, that turned out to be some nonsensical misunderstanding, or the fabrications of somebody hoping to talk his way off a water board in Eastern Europe?
If, Mr. President, this is the kind of crack work that your new ad implies that only you and not the Democrats can do, you, sir, need to pull over and ask for directions.
The real question of course, Mr. Bush, is why did your Department of Homeland Security even release this information in the first place?
It was never a serious threat. Even the first news accounts quoted a Homeland spokesman as admitting “strong skepticism”—the kind of strong skepticism which most government agencies address before telling the public, not afterwards.
So that leaves two options, Mr. President.
The first option: you and your department of Homeland Security don’t have the slightest idea what you’re doing. Thus, contrary to your flip-flopping between saying “we’re safe” and saying “but we’re not safe enough,” and contrary to the vice president’s swaggering pronouncements about the lack of another attack since 9/11, the last five years has been just an accident.
Or there’s the second option: your political operatives leaked this nonsense for the same reason your political operatives put out that commercial—to scare the gullible.
Obviously the correct answer, Mr. Bush, is all of the above.
There are some of us who could forgive you for trying to run your candidates on the coattails of the Grim Reaper, for reducing your party’s existence to “Death and Attacks Us.”
It’s cynical and barbaric.
But, after all, it may be merely the natural extension of the gutter politics to which you have subscribed since you sidled over from baseball, and the business world of other people’s money.
But to forgive you for terrorizing us, we would have to believe you somehow competent in keeping others from doing so.
Yet, last week, construction workers repairing a subway line in New York City, were cleaning out an abandoned manhole on the edge of the World Trade Center site, when they stumbled on to the impossible: human remains from 9/11.
Bones and fragments.
Eighty of them.
Some as much as a foot long.
The victims had been lying, literally in the gutter, for five years and five weeks.
The families and friends of each of the 2,749 dead—who had been grimly told in May of 2002 that there were no more remains to be found—were struck anew as if the terrorism of that day had just happened again.
And over the weekend they’ve found still more remains.
And now this week will be spent looking in places that should have already been looked at a thousand times five years ago.
For all the victims in New York, Mr. Bush—the living and the dead—it’s a touch of 9/11 all over again.
And the mayor of this city, who called off the search four-and-a-half years ago is a Republican.
The governor of this state with whom he conferred is a Republican.
The House of Representatives, Republican.
The Senate, Republican.
The President, Republican.
And yet you can actually claim that you and you alone can protect us from terrorism?
You can’t even recover our dead from the battlefield—the battlefield in an American city—when we’ve given you five years and unlimited funds to do so!
While signing a Military Commissions Act so monstrous that it has been criticized by even the John Birch Society, you told us, Mr. Bush, “there is nothing we can do to bring back the men and women lost on September 11th, 2001. Yet we’ll always honor their memory, and we will never forget the way they were taken from us.”
Except, of course, for the ones who’ve been lying under a manhole cover for five years.
Setting aside the fact that your government has done nothing else for those five years but pat yourselves on the back about terror, while waging pointless war on the wrong enemy in Iraq, and waging war on the cherished freedoms in America;
Just on this subject of counter-terrorism, sir, yours is the least competent government, in time of crisis, in this country’s history!
“These are the stakes,” indeed, Mr. President.
You do not know what you are doing.
And the commercial—the one about which Zawahiri might say “hey, pretty good—we love your choice of font style”?
All that need further be said is to add three words to Shakespeare.
Mr. President, you, and that advertisement of terror, are full of sound and fury—signifying (and competent at) nothing.
And now—our rights and our freedoms in peril—we slowly awaken to learn that we have been afraid of the wrong thing.
Therefore, tonight have we truly become the inheritors of our American legacy.
For, on this first full day that the Military Commissions Act is in force, we now face what our ancestors faced, at other times of exaggerated crisis and melodramatic fear-mongering:
A government more dangerous to our liberty, than is the enemy it claims to protect us from.
We have been here before—and we have been here before, led here by men better and wiser and nobler than George W. Bush.
We have been here when President John Adams insisted that the Alien and Sedition Acts were necessary to save American lives, only to watch him use those acts to jail newspaper editors. American newspaper editors, in American jails, for things they wrote about America.
We have been here when President Woodrow Wilson insisted that the Espionage Act was necessary to save American lives, only to watch him use that Act to prosecute 2,000 Americans, especially those he disparaged as “Hyphenated Americans,” most of whom were guilty only of advocating peace in a time of war.
American public speakers, in American jails, for things they said about America.
We have been here when President Woodrow Wilson insisted that the Espionage Act was necessary to save American lives, only to watch him use that Act to prosecute 2,000 Americans, especially those he disparaged as “Hyphenated Americans,” most of whom were guilty only of advocating peace in a time of war.
American public speakers, in American jails, for things they said about America.
And we have been here when President Franklin D. Roosevelt insisted that Executive Order 9066 was necessary to save American lives, only to watch him use that order to imprison and pauperize 110,000 Americans while his man in charge, General DeWitt, told Congress: “It makes no difference whether he is an American citizen—he is still a Japanese.”
American citizens, in American camps, for something they neither wrote nor said nor did, but for the choices they or their ancestors had made about coming to America.
Each of these actions was undertaken for the most vital, the most urgent, the most inescapable of reasons.
And each was a betrayal of that for which the president who advocated them claimed to be fighting.
Adams and his party were swept from office, and the Alien and Sedition Acts erased.
Many of the very people Wilson silenced survived him, and one of them even ran to succeed him, and got 900,000 votes, though his presidential campaign was conducted entirely from his jail cell.
And Roosevelt’s internment of the Japanese was not merely the worst blight on his record, but it would necessitate a formal apology from the government of the United States to the citizens of the United States whose lives it ruined.
The most vital, the most urgent, the most inescapable of reasons.
In times of fright, we have been only human.
We have let Roosevelt’s “fear of fear itself” overtake us.
We have listened to the little voice inside that has said, “the wolf is at the door; this will be temporary; this will be precise; this too shall pass.”
We have accepted that the only way to stop the terrorists is to let the government become just a little bit like the terrorists.
Just the way we once accepted that the only way to stop the Soviets was to let the government become just a little bit like the Soviets.
Or substitute the Japanese.
Or the Germans.
Or the Socialists.
Or the Anarchists.
Or the Immigrants.
Or the British.
Or the Aliens.
The most vital, the most urgent, the most inescapable of reasons.
And, always, always wrong.
“With the distance of history, the questions will be narrowed and few: Did this generation of Americans take the threat seriously, and did we do what it takes to defeat that threat?”
Wise words.
And ironic ones, Mr. Bush.
Your own, of course, yesterday, in signing the Military Commissions Act.
You spoke so much more than you know, Sir.
Sadly—of course—the distance of history will recognize that the threat this generation of Americans needed to take seriously was you.
We have a long and painful history of ignoring the prophecy attributed to Benjamin Franklin that “those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
But even within this history we have not before codified the poisoning of habeas corpus, that wellspring of protection from which all essential liberties flow.
You, sir, have now befouled that spring.
You, sir, have now given us chaos and called it order.
You, sir, have now imposed subjugation and called it freedom.
For the most vital, the most urgent, the most inescapable of reasons.
And — again, Mr. Bush — all of them, wrong.
We have handed a blank check drawn against our freedom to a man who has said it is unacceptable to compare anything this country has ever done to anything the terrorists have ever done.
We have handed a blank check drawn against our freedom to a man who has insisted again that “the United States does not torture. It’s against our laws and it’s against our values” and who has said it with a straight face while the pictures from Abu Ghraib Prison and the stories of Waterboarding figuratively fade in and out, around him.
We have handed a blank check drawn against our freedom to a man who may now, if he so decides, declare not merely any non-American citizens “unlawful enemy combatants” and ship them somewhere—anywhere -- but may now, if he so decides, declare you an “unlawful enemy combatant” and ship you somewhere - anywhere.
And if you think this hyperbole or hysteria, ask the newspaper editors when John Adams was president or the pacifists when Woodrow Wilson was president or the Japanese at Manzanar when Franklin Roosevelt was president.
And if you somehow think habeas corpus has not been suspended for American citizens but only for everybody else, ask yourself this: If you are pulled off the street tomorrow, and they call you an alien or an undocumented immigrant or an “unlawful enemy combatant”—exactly how are you going to convince them to give you a court hearing to prove you are not? Do you think this attorney general is going to help you?
This President now has his blank check.
He lied to get it.
He lied as he received it.
Is there any reason to even hope he has not lied about how he intends to use it nor who he intends to use it against?
“These military commissions will provide a fair trial,” you told us yesterday, Mr. Bush, “in which the accused are presumed innocent, have access to an attorney and can hear all the evidence against them.”
"Presumed innocent," Mr. Bush?
The very piece of paper you signed as you said that, allows for the detainees to be abused up to the point just before they sustain “serious mental and physical trauma” in the hope of getting them to incriminate themselves, and may no longer even invoke The Geneva Conventions in their own defense.
"Access to an attorney," Mr. Bush?
Lieutenant Commander Charles Swift said on this program, Sir, and to the Supreme Court, that he was only granted access to his detainee defendant on the promise that the detainee would plead guilty.
"Hearing all the evidence," Mr. Bush?
The Military Commissions Act specifically permits the introduction of classified evidence not made available to the defense.
Your words are lies, Sir.
They are lies that imperil us all.
“One of the terrorists believed to have planned the 9/11 attacks,” you told us yesterday, “said he hoped the attacks would be the beginning of the end of America.”
That terrorist, sir, could only hope.
Not his actions, nor the actions of a ceaseless line of terrorists (real or imagined), could measure up to what you have wrought.
Habeas corpus? Gone.
The Geneva Conventions? Optional.
The moral force we shined outwards to the world as an eternal beacon, and inwards at ourselves as an eternal protection? Snuffed out.
These things you have done, Mr. Bush, they would be “the beginning of the end of America.”
And did it even occur to you once, sir — somewhere in amidst those eight separate, gruesome, intentional, terroristic invocations of the horrors of 9/11 -- that with only a little further shift in this world we now know—just a touch more repudiation of all of that for which our patriots died --- did it ever occur to you once that in just 27 months and two days from now when you leave office, some irresponsible future president and a “competent tribunal” of lackeys would be entitled, by the actions of your own hand, to declare the status of “unlawful enemy combatant” for -- and convene a Military Commission to try -- not John Walker Lindh, but George Walker Bush?
For the most vital, the most urgent, the most inescapable of reasons.
DROPS: "Idlewild Blue (Don't 'Chu Worry 'Bout Me)", 7 "Work It Out", 13
15. White Gurl ¤ E-40 feat. Juelz Santana & Bun B (14) 14. Nausea ¤ Beck (debut) 13. Waiting On The World To Change ¤ John Mayer (debut) 12. London Bridge (Oh, Shit) ¤ Fergie (15)* 11. Promiscuous ¤ Nelly Furtado f/Timbaland (8)
10. Here It Goes Again ¤ OK Go (12) 9. U & Dat ¤ E-40 & T-Pain (6) 8. Money Maker ¤ Ludacris f/Pharrell (10)* 7. Gone Daddy Gone ¤ Gnarls Barkley (11)* 6. I Will Follow You Into The Dark ¤ Death Cab For Cutie (9)*
5. Crazy ¤ Gnarls Barkley (3) 4. When You Were Young ¤ the Killers (5)*
3. SexyLove ¤ NeYo (2)
2. Steady, As She Goes ¤ the Raconteurs (1)
1. Tell Me Baby ¤ Red Hot Chili Peppers (4) [2w]
Right Place, Wrong Time John Spencer Blues Explosion
And, of course, the Scarlett Johannsson on top of the sundae on top of Jessica Alba that is the day, the new computer tower courtesy of Mr. Daniel Womack. It's only a couple years old, but I feel firmly enconsed in the 21st century now. Like the reverse of a freakshow in the circus.
BEHOLD! The CD-rom that actually works smoothly!
FEAST YOUR EYES! On the DVD drive! Yes, computers have DVD drives!
MARVEL! At the depth of your AIM emoticons!
GAZE IF YOU DARE! At flash drives! You don't have to stare blankly, son, we'll explain how they suck the few good components from old Betsy and put them in a computer worth a damn!
DROOL IN AWE! As your computer actually runs security checks non-stop without you having to download anything and you don't have to reset the thing every 25 minutes!
WEEP WITH AMAZEMENT! There's this thing called iTunes!
Somehow actually playing mp3s again became tertiary somehow. And about 4 million things I didn't find in the first couple hours. It's Morning Again Here In America.
I want to name this something different; I just havent' figured out what yet.
Hard at work compiling the top 25 of '06 list. As of this mostly completed list, long-time followers could probably guess the top 2 songs. No one is in the top 25 twice, though, as of right now.
Industry Rule #4,080: no local terrestrial radio is playing "Idlewild Blue", John Mayer's "Waiting On the World To Change", or Regina Spektor's "Fidelity". Criminal, especially the latter. It breaks my hea ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah artttttt...but enough sidebar banter.
15. London Bridge (Oh, Shit) ¤ Fergie (debut) 14. White Gurl ¤ E-40 feat. Juelz Santana & Bun B (debut) 13. Work It Out ¤ Jurassic 5 feat. Dave Matthews (12) 12. Here It Goes Again ¤ OK Go (10) 11. Gone Daddy Gone ¤ Gnarls Barkley (11)
10. Money Maker ¤ Ludacris feat. Pharrell (debut) 9. I Will Follow You Into The Dark ¤ Death Cab For Cutie (13)* 8. Promiscuous ¤ Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (5) 7. Idlewild Blue (Don't 'Chu Worry 'Bout Me) ¤ Andre 3000 (4) 6. U & Dat ¤ E-40 feat. T-Pain (8)*
5. When You Were Young ¤ the Killers (7)* 4. Tell Me Baby ¤ Red Hot Chili Peppers (6)*
The headlines about them are, of course, entirely wrong.
It is not essential that a past president, bullied and sandbagged by a monkey posing as a newscaster, finally lashed back.
It is not important that the current President’s portable public chorus has described his predecessor’s tone as “crazed.”
Our tone should be crazed. The nation’s freedoms are under assault by an administration whose policies can do us as much damage as al Qaida; the nation’s marketplace of ideas is being poisoned by a propaganda company so blatant that Tokyo Rose would’ve quit.
Nonetheless. The headline is this: Bill Clinton did what almost none of us have done in five years.
He has spoken the truth about 9/11, and the current presidential administration.
"At least I tried," he said of his own efforts to capture or kill Osama bin Laden. "That’s the difference in me and some, including all of the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They had eight months to try; they did not try. I tried."
Thus in his supposed emeritus years has Mr. Clinton taken forceful and triumphant action for honesty, and for us; action as vital and as courageous as any of his presidency; action as startling and as liberating, as any, by any one, in these last five long years.
The Bush Administration did not try to get Osama bin Laden before 9/11.
The Bush Administration ignored all the evidence gathered by its predecessors.
The Bush Administration did not understand the Daily Briefing entitled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike in U.S."
The Bush Administration did not try.
Moreover, for the last five years one month and two weeks, the current administration, and in particular the President, has been given the greatest “pass” for incompetence and malfeasance in American history!
President Roosevelt was rightly blamed for ignoring the warning signs—some of them, 17 years old—before Pearl Harbor.
President Hoover was correctly blamed for—if not the Great Depression itself—then the disastrous economic steps he took in the immediate aftermath of the Stock Market Crash.
Even President Lincoln assumed some measure of responsibility for the Civil War—though talk of Southern secession had begun as early as 1832.
But not this president.
To hear him bleat and whine and bully at nearly every opportunity, one would think someone else had been president on September 11th, 2001 -- or the nearly eight months that preceded it.
That hardly reflects the honesty nor manliness we expect of the executive.
But if his own fitness to serve is of no true concern to him, perhaps we should simply sigh and keep our fingers crossed, until a grown-up takes the job three Januarys from now.
Except for this.
After five years of skirting even the most inarguable of facts—that he was president on 9/11 and he must bear some responsibility for his, and our, unreadiness, Mr. Bush has now moved, unmistakably and without conscience or shame, towards re-writing history, and attempting to make the responsibility, entirely Mr. Clinton’s.
Of course he is not honest enough to do that directly.
As with all the other nefariousness and slime of this, our worst presidency since James Buchanan, he is having it done for him, by proxy.
Thus, the sandbag effort by Fox News Friday afternoon.
Consider the timing: the very weekend the National Intelligence Estimate would be released and show the Iraq war to be the fraudulent failure it is—not a check on terror, but fertilizer for it.
The kind of proof of incompetence, for which the administration and its hyenas at Fox need to find a diversion, in a scapegoat.
It was the kind of cheap trick which would get a journalist fired—but a propagandist, promoted: promise to talk of charity and generosity; but instead launch into the lies and distortions with which the Authoritarians among us attack the virtuous and reward the useless.
And don’t even be professional enough to assume the responsibility for the slanders yourself; blame your audience for “e-mailing” you the question.
Mr. Clinton responded as you have seen.
He told the great truth untold about this administration’s negligence, perhaps criminal negligence, about bin Laden.
He was brave.
Then again, Chris Wallace might be braver still. Had I in one moment surrendered all my credibility as a journalist, and been irredeemably humiliated, as was he, I would have gone home and started a new career selling seeds by mail.
The smearing by proxy, of course, did not begin Friday afternoon.
Disney was first to sell-out its corporate reputation, with "The Path to 9/11." Of that company’s crimes against truth one needs to say little. Simply put: someone there enabled an Authoritarian zealot to belch out Mr. Bush’s new and improved history.
The basic plot-line was this: because he was distracted by the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Bill Clinton failed to prevent 9/11.
The most curious and in some ways the most infuriating aspect of this slapdash theory, is that the Right Wingers who have advocated it—who try to sneak it into our collective consciousness through entertainment, or who sandbag Mr. Clinton with it at news interviews—have simply skipped past its most glaring flaw.
Had it been true that Clinton had been distracted from the hunt for bin Laden in 1998 because of the Monica Lewinsky nonsense, why did these same people not applaud him for having bombed bin Laden’s camps in Afghanistan and Sudan on Aug. 20, of that year? For mentioning bin Laden by name as he did so?
That day, Republican Senator Grams of Minnesota invoked the movie "Wag The Dog."
Republican Senator Coats of Indiana questioned Mr. Clinton’s judgment.
Republican Senator Ashcroft of Missouri—the future attorney general—echoed Coats.
Even Republican Senator Arlen Specter questioned the timing.
And of course, were it true Clinton had been “distracted” by the Lewinsky witch-hunt, who on earth conducted the Lewinsky witch-hunt?
Who turned the political discourse of this nation on its head for two years?
Who corrupted the political media?
Who made it impossible for us to even bring back on the air, the counter-terrorism analysts like Dr. Richard Haass, and James Dunegan, who had warned, at this very hour, on this very network, in early 1998, of cells from the Middle East who sought to attack us, here?
Who preempted them in order to strangle us with the trivia that was, “All Monica All The Time”?
Who distracted whom?
This is, of course, where—as is inevitable—Mr. Bush and his henchmen prove not quite as smart as they think they are.
The full responsibility for 9/11 is obviously shared by three administrations, possibly four.
But, Mr. Bush, if you are now trying to convince us by proxy that it’s all about the distractions of 1998 and 1999, then you will have to face a startling fact that your minions may have hidden from you.
The distractions of 1998 and 1999, Mr. Bush, were carefully manufactured, and lovingly executed, not by Bill Clinton, but by the same people who got you elected President.
Thus, instead of some commendable acknowledgment that you were even in office on 9/11 and the lost months before it, we have your sleazy and sloppy rewriting of history, designed by somebody who evidently read the Orwell playbook too quickly.
Thus, instead of some explanation for the inertia of your first eight months in office, we are told that you have kept us "safe" ever since—a statement that might range anywhere from zero, to 100 percent, true.
We have nothing but your word, and your word has long since ceased to mean anything.
And, of course, the one time you have ever given us specifics about what you have kept us safe from, Mr. Bush, you got the name of the supposedly targeted Tower in Los Angeles wrong.
Thus was it left for the previous president to say what so many of us have felt; what so many of us have given you a pass for in the months and even the years after the attack:
You did not try.
You ignored the evidence gathered by your predecessor.
You ignored the evidence gathered by your own people. Then, you blamed your predecessor.
That would be a textbook definition, Mr. Bush, of cowardice.
To enforce the lies of the present, it is necessary to erase the truths of the past.
That was one of the great mechanical realities Eric Blair—writing as George Orwell—gave us in the book “1984.” The great philosophical reality he gave us, Mr. Bush, may sound as familiar to you, as it has lately begun to sound familiar to me.
"The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power... Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship.
"The object of persecution, is persecution. The object of torture, is torture. The object of power… is power."
Earlier last Friday afternoon, before the Fox ambush, speaking in the far different context of the closing session of his remarkable Global Initiative, Mr. Clinton quoted Abraham Lincoln’s State of the Union address from 1862.
"We must disenthrall ourselves."
Mr. Clinton did not quote the rest of Mr. Lincoln’s sentence. He might well have: "We must disenthrall ourselves and then we shall save our country."
And so has Mr. Clinton helped us to disenthrall ourselves, and perhaps enabled us, even at this late and bleak date, to save our country.
The "free pass" has been withdrawn, Mr. Bush.
You did not act to prevent 9/11.
We do not know what you have done to prevent another 9/11.
You have failed us—then leveraged that failure, to justify a purposeless war in Iraq which will have, all too soon, claimed more American lives than did 9/11.
You have failed us anew in Afghanistan.
And you have now tried to hide your failures, by blaming your predecessor.
And now you exploit your failure, to rationalize brazen torture which doesn’t work anyway; which only condemns our soldiers to water-boarding; which only humiliates our country further in the world; and which no true American would ever condone, let alone advocate.
Before the greatest e-mail ever, three simple things you need to know.
1) MySpace.
2) Don't know this guy.
3) Don't know a Roshawnda.
But here it is, verbatim:
IF YOU ARE CHOPPIN IT UP WIT ROSHAWNDA, NIGGA WATCH OUT SHE IS A STRAIGHT SLUT. SHE WAS AT MY PAD LAST NIGHT WIT MY DICK IN HER MOUTH. SHE IS ON HER PERIOD THATS WHY I DIDNT FUCK. THE BITCH IS A LIAR AND SHE BE FUCKIN HELLA NIGGAZ. SHE GOT OUT OF BED AND CAME TO MY PAD AND SUCKED ME UP. I TRIED TO HIT THE ASS BUT SHE COULDNT TAKE IT.SHE WANTED ME TO HIT WITH NO RUBBER BUT I TOLD HER HELL NAW. SHE FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH UNTIL LIKE 4 IN DA MORNIN. JUST GIVIN YOU A HEADZ UP. SHE AINT SHIT. AND SHE GOT A GANG OF KIDS. YEAH DAT !!!!!
Rather than talk about this encompassing depression or the Last Kiss being good but not Garden State good (oh, how KS will enjoy this movie) or this being the 500th post...TCB.
DROPS: "Me & U" (12) "Mr. Me Too" (13)
15. It's Goin' Down ¤ Yung Joc (8) 14. Original Fire ¤ Audioslave (return) 13. I Will Follow You Into The Dark ¤ Death Cab For Cutie (15)* 12. Work It Out ¤ Jurassic 5 feat. Dave Matthews (return) 11. Gone Daddy Gone ¤ Gnarls Barkley (10)
10. Here It Goes Again ¤ OK Go (9) 9. Deja Vu ¤ Beyonce feat. Jay-Z (4) 8. U & Dat ¤ E-40 feat. T-Pain (7) 7. When You Were Young ¤ the Killers (14)* 6. Tell Me Baby ¤ Red Hot Chili Peppers (11)*
5. Promiscuous ¤ Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (3) 4. Idlewild Blue (Don't Chu Worry 'Bout Me) ¤ Andre 3000 (6)*
POSTSCRIPT: The funeral's on Monday, which you think would be redundant. And yet. Thanks to everybody from pretty much everywhere for all the condolences and well-wishes. I would like to point out to everyone that there is a difference between being sad and being surprised, though.
Half a lifetime ago, I worked in this now-empty space. And for 40 days after the attacks, I worked here again, trying to make sense of what happened, and was yet to happen, as a reporter.
All the time, I knew that the very air I breathed contained the remains of thousands of people, including four of my friends, two in the planes and -- as I discovered from those "missing posters" seared still into my soul -- two more in the Towers.
And I knew too, that this was the pyre for hundreds of New York policemen and firemen, of whom my family can claim half a dozen or more, as our ancestors.
I belabor this to emphasize that, for me this was, and is, and always shall be, personal.
And anyone who claims that I and others like me are "soft,"or have "forgotten" the lessons of what happened here is at best a grasping, opportunistic, dilettante and at worst, an idiot whether he is a commentator, or a Vice President, or a President.
However, of all the things those of us who were here five years ago could have forecast -- of all the nightmares that unfolded before our eyes, and the others that unfolded only in our minds -- none of us could have predicted this.
Five years later this space is still empty.
Five years later there is no memorial to the dead.
Five years later there is no building rising to show with proud defiance that we would not have our America wrung from us, by cowards and criminals.
Five years later this country's wound is still open.
Five years later this country's mass grave is still unmarked.
Five years later this is still just a background for a photo-op.
It is beyond shameful.
At the dedication of the Gettysburg Memorial -- barely four months after the last soldier staggered from another Pennsylvania field -- Mr. Lincoln said, "we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract."
Lincoln used those words to immortalize their sacrifice.
Today our leaders could use those same words to rationalize their reprehensible inaction. "We cannot dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground." So we won't.
Instead they bicker and buck pass. They thwart private efforts, and jostle to claim credit for initiatives that go nowhere. They spend the money on irrelevant wars, and elaborate self-congratulations, and buying off columnists to write how good a job they're doing instead of doing any job at all.
Five years later, Mr. Bush, we are still fighting the terrorists on these streets. And look carefully, sir, on these 16 empty acres. The terrorists are clearly, still winning.
And, in a crime against every victim here and every patriotic sentiment you mouthed but did not enact, you have done nothing about it.
And there is something worse still than this vast gaping hole in this city, and in the fabric of our nation. There is its symbolism of the promise unfulfilled, the urgent oath, reduced to lazy execution.
The only positive on 9/11 and the days and weeks that so slowly and painfully followed it was the unanimous humanity, here, and throughout the country. The government, the President in particular, was given every possible measure of support.
Those who did not belong to his party -- tabled that.
Those who doubted the mechanics of his election -- ignored that.
Those who wondered of his qualifications -- forgot that.
History teaches us that nearly unanimous support of a government cannot be taken away from that government by its critics. It can only be squandered by those who use it not to heal a nation's wounds, but to take political advantage.
Terrorists did not come and steal our newly-regained sense of being American first, and political, fiftieth. Nor did the Democrats. Nor did the media. Nor did the people.
The President -- and those around him -- did that.
They promised bi-partisanship, and then showed that to them, "bi-partisanship" meant that their party would rule and the rest would have to follow, or be branded, with ever-escalating hysteria, as morally or intellectually confused, as appeasers, as those who, in the Vice President's words yesterday, "validate the strategy of the terrorists."
They promised protection, and then showed that to them "protection" meant going to war against a despot whose hand they had once shaken, a despot who we now learn from our own Senate Intelligence Committee, hated al-Qaida as much as we did.
The polite phrase for how so many of us were duped into supporting a war, on the false premise that it had 'something to do' with 9/11 is "lying by implication."
The impolite phrase is "impeachable offense."
Not once in now five years has this President ever offered to assume responsibility for the failures that led to this empty space, and to this, the current, curdled, version of our beloved country.
Still, there is a last snapping flame from a final candle of respect and fairness: even his most virulent critics have never suggested he alone bears the full brunt of the blame for 9/11.
Half the time, in fact, this President has been so gently treated, that he has seemed not even to be the man most responsible for anything in his own administration.
Yet what is happening this very night?
A mini-series, created, influenced -- possibly financed by -- the most radical and cold of domestic political Machiavellis, continues to be televised into our homes.
The documented truths of the last fifteen years are replaced by bald-faced lies; the talking points of the current regime parroted; the whole sorry story blurred, by spin, to make the party out of office seem vacillating and impotent, and the party in office, seem like the only option.
How dare you, Mr. President, after taking cynical advantage of the unanimity and love, and transmuting it into fraudulent war and needless death, after monstrously transforming it into fear and suspicion and turning that fear into the campaign slogan of three elections? How dare you -- or those around you -- ever "spin" 9/11?
Just as the terrorists have succeeded -- are still succeeding -- as long as there is no memorial and no construction here at Ground Zero.
So, too, have they succeeded, and are still succeeding as long as this government uses 9/11 as a wedge to pit Americans against Americans.
This is an odd point to cite a television program, especially one from March of 1960. But as Disney's continuing sell-out of the truth (and this country) suggests, even television programs can be powerful things.
And long ago, a series called "The Twilight Zone" broadcast a riveting episode entitled "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street."
In brief: a meteor sparks rumors of an invasion by extra-terrestrials disguised as humans. The electricity goes out. A neighbor pleads for calm. Suddenly his car -- and only his car -- starts. Someone suggests he must be the alien. Then another man's lights go on. As charges and suspicion and panic overtake the street, guns are inevitably produced. An "alien" is shot -- but he turns out to be just another neighbor, returning from going for help. The camera pulls back to a near-by hill, where two extra-terrestrials are seen manipulating a small device that can jam electricity. The veteran tells his novice that there's no need to actually attack, that you just turn off a few of the human machines and then, "they pick the most dangerous enemy they can find, and it's themselves."
And then, in perhaps his finest piece of writing, Rod Serling sums it up with words of remarkable prescience, given where we find ourselves tonight: "The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices, to be found only in the minds of men.
"For the record, prejudices can kill and suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all its own -- for the children, and the children yet unborn."
When those who dissent are told time and time again -- as we will be, if not tonight by the President, then tomorrow by his portable public chorus -- that he is preserving our freedom, but that if we use any of it, we are somehow un-American...When we are scolded, that if we merely question, we have "forgotten the lessons of 9/11"... look into this empty space behind me and the bi-partisanship upon which this administration also did not build, and tell me:
I still think it was worth it.
