Here with a special edition of the Colbert report, Stephen Colbert.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I’ve been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bullet proof S.U.V.’S out front, could you please move them. They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.’S and they need to get out.
Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents’ Dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.
Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have helped. By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly on into your table numbers and somebody from the N.S.A. Will be right over with a cocktail. Mrs. Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,
Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it’s my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. He’s no so different, he and I. We get it. We’re not brain backs on the nerd patrol. We’re not members of the fact (police). We go straight from the gut, right sir? That’s where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that’s not true. That’s but you looked it up in a book.
Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that’s how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert report, I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no fact zone. Fox News, I own the copyright on that term.
I’m a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists.
My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how “the Washington Post” spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, ambassador, welcome, your great country makes our happy meals possible. I said it’s a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it’s yogurt. But I refuse to believe it’s not butter. Most of all I believe in this president.
Now, I know there’s some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in “reality.” And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass — it’s important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it.
The last third is usually backwash. Folks, my point is that I don’t believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull, before a comeback.
I mean, it’s like the movie “Rocky.” The president is Rocky and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It’s the 10th round. He’s bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who in this case would be the Vice President, and he’s yelling cut me, dick, cut me, and every time he falls she say stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky he gets back up and in the end he — actually loses in the first movie.
Ok. It doesn’t matter. The point is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don’t pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he’s not doing? Think about it. I haven’t.
I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he’s down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He’s trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite powered car.
And I just like the guy. He’s a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She’s a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma’am.
I’m sorry, but this reading initiative. I’ve never been a fan of books. I don’t trust them. They’re all fact, no heart. I mean, they’re elitist telling us what is or isn’t true, what did or didn’t happen. What’s Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American. I’m with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man’s beliefs never will. And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story, the President’s side and the Vice President’s side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they’re superdepressing.
And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the affect of global warming. We Americans didn’t want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works. The President makes decisions, he’s the decider. The Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction.
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.
Now, it’s not all bad guys out there. Some heroes, Buckley, Kim Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be to my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is I promise you. How is Tuesday for you? I’ve got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we’ve got here tonight. General Mowsly, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren’t retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I’ve got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble, don’t let them retire. C’mon, we’ve got a stop loss program, let’s use it on these guys. If you’re strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. C’mon.
Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants.
It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia’s here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. You look fantastic. How are you?
John McCain is here. John McCain John McCain. What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you wasn’t a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There’s no predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming back into the republican fold. I have a summerhouse in South Carolina, look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you’ve seen the light.
Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., The chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It’s a mallomar is what I’m describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Desi Arnez. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said. I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson’s wife. Pat Fitzgerald is not here tonight? Dodged a bullet.
And we can’t forget man of the hour, new Press Secretary, Tony Snow. Secret service name, Snow Job. What a hero, took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card’s children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn’t made the decision to quickly, sir. I was vying for the job. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary.
I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I’d like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
Via DKOS: [Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference, at which Colbert is completely dismissive of questions he doesn’t want to answer, i.e., all of them. He chooses among three buttons — “Eject,” “Gannon” and “Volume” — to get rid of the offending speaker. But ultimately Helen Thomas causes Colbert to flee in terror from the press conference with her insistence that he answer her question, “Why did you really want to go to war [with Iraq]?” Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush’s experience in China. He finally finds a way out, and runs frantically down the street and into a parking lot. Helen Thomas pursues Colbert relentlessly. He calls for help on an emergency phone in the parking lot, but the attendant also wants to know why we invaded Iraq. Colbert screams, “No!!!” Colbert fumbles nervously with his keys, having great difficulty getting into his car. Finally, he gets in, and continues to fumble trying to get the car started. He looks up and sees - Helen Thomas standing in front of the car! He screams, “No!!!” Colbert manages to drive away. He then takes the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York. His car is waiting for him at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in. He says, “What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.” The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, “Buckle up, hon.” IT’S HELEN THOMAS!!! “No!!!”]
STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it’s been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!
We Used To Be Friends Dandy Warhols
4/30/06
How Many Pundits Does It Take To Change The World? Three: Me, Myself & I...This Is The Colbert Report!
Since mass media sleeps...a transcript of SC owning everybody, their mother, their sister, their mysterious Asian benefactors and pimping them all out on the corner for Armani suit money from last night's Correspondents' Dinner:
4/29/06
KWBR
DROPPED: "I'm N' Luv With A Stripper" (9), "Black Sweat" (10), "Back Like That" (11)
fifteen
Poppin' My Collar Three Six Mafia (14)
fourteen
Me And U Cassie (debut)
thirteen
Move Along the All-American Rejects (15)
twelve
Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (13)*
eleven
So Sick Ne-Yo (4)
ten
Touch The Sky Kanye West (6)
nine
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (debut)
eight
Steady, As She Goes the Raconteurs (debut)
seven
Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge (12)*
six
A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" Fall Out Boy (8)*
5. Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (7)*
4. Temperature Sean Paul (5)*
3. What You Know T.I. (3)*
2. Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (2)*
1. Tell Me When To Go E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak (1) [1m]
There It Go (The Whistle Song) Juelz Santana
fifteen
Poppin' My Collar Three Six Mafia (14)
fourteen
Me And U Cassie (debut)
thirteen
Move Along the All-American Rejects (15)
twelve
Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (13)*
eleven
So Sick Ne-Yo (4)
ten
Touch The Sky Kanye West (6)
nine
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (debut)
eight
Steady, As She Goes the Raconteurs (debut)
seven
Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge (12)*
six
A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" Fall Out Boy (8)*
5. Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (7)*
4. Temperature Sean Paul (5)*
3. What You Know T.I. (3)*
2. Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (2)*
1. Tell Me When To Go E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak (1) [1m]
There It Go (The Whistle Song) Juelz Santana
4/27/06
4/26/06
This Is For Me And I Know That Everyone Knows
Yes, everything's horrible.
Yes, your computer is 60, and disease ridden.
Your granmother isn't getting any better. Your free time is dwindled to nothing and a good place to put it is right next to your privacy. Your family's in debt. You're going to have to move. Your motivation to write is gone. You may have to undertake buying the new computer or laptop on your own. Your uncle's sick and you can't do anything about it. You're constantly sick now between your brother using the computer and your grandmother sleeping in your bed. You're lonely to the point of no prospects to where you're considering online dating. You might be in the worst physical condition of your life between the World's Smallest Couch and standing at work all day. You might be the most depressed you've been since 9/11.
BUT.
Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up.
When in doubt, review previous paragraph and repeat as necessary.
And maybe Friday when the dust has settled, you strap the Wordpad back on. Brian and Holly miss you.
Only One Yellowcard
Yes, your computer is 60, and disease ridden.
Your granmother isn't getting any better. Your free time is dwindled to nothing and a good place to put it is right next to your privacy. Your family's in debt. You're going to have to move. Your motivation to write is gone. You may have to undertake buying the new computer or laptop on your own. Your uncle's sick and you can't do anything about it. You're constantly sick now between your brother using the computer and your grandmother sleeping in your bed. You're lonely to the point of no prospects to where you're considering online dating. You might be in the worst physical condition of your life between the World's Smallest Couch and standing at work all day. You might be the most depressed you've been since 9/11.
BUT.
Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up.
When in doubt, review previous paragraph and repeat as necessary.
And maybe Friday when the dust has settled, you strap the Wordpad back on. Brian and Holly miss you.
Only One Yellowcard
4/22/06
Barometer
BUSH: I hate being sick like Presodent Squinty hates poll numbers.
ALBA: Fixed the Trojans infecting the comp.
BUSH: Still don't have Winamp, or Media Player, and somehow lost Java. I'll figure something out, or Rob'll figure it out for me. Also, I owe him something. Muahahahahaahahaha.
ALBA: You know what's always fun? Getting into a nice club free because you've got hookups.
ALBA: The first round of the NBA playoffs, mostly. The Western side looks intriguing but the East is its ugly friend who insists since they came together they have to leave together and no guys should come between them, outside of the King's debut later on tonight. Anyhow, Detroit sweeps, Cleveland in 6, Nets in 5, Heat in 6. Other side, Spurs in 7, Dallas sweeps, Suns in 5, and the Clippers--I can't believe I just typed those words with no sarcasm--the Clippers in 6.
ALBA: My grandma's stopped using the bathroom in the middle of the night...
BUSH: ...but two months and it's same as it ever was. Am I miserable because I can't write? Or because I can't write is it making me miserable? Be nice if I had someone, but when do I really have the time to dedicate myself to them and give them the attention they deserve?
ALBA: I really like "Steady As She Goes" by Jack White's little side band the Raconteurs. Plus, the name earns a couple cool points. Like he needs the things...
BUSH: My favorite DJ in the county got fired from the GSC a couple days ago, and the only way I would've known about it is I found him on MySpace the day before (I was assuming I was going to see him tonight on my way to somewhere else). Now, I'm not saying I'll never eat there again if they don't rehire him--oh, wait, that's exactly what I'm saying. And I'm not saying you should send all your viruses to james@gaslampstrip.com...but if you remember having fun with me down there and DJ Professor CC being a reason why, well, you might want to drop a noticia.
ALBA: The write-in protest me & some like-minded people formed the moment we found out about it. See, the Internet ISN'T just for porn! You can do stuff, too!
ALBA: How the hell did I ever live without a portable DVD player? The transit to work, the staying over at Grandma's, even when I'm bored off my ass in my room--plug and play. Gotta love it.
ALBA: Riding a pretty good streak at Full Tilt Poker.
ALBA: The Throwback pick of the Week, since I heard it on the radio yesterday for the first time in two eons is Oran "Juice" Jones' "The Rain". You were holding hands and IIIIIIII will never be the same.... Ought to be lucky, if I'd actually heard all of Nu Shooz's "I Can't Wait" that would've taken presendence for sure.
ALBA: A Baywatch movie? I predict it flops horribly at the box office and becomes the best selling DVD ever. Ever.
np: Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge
ALBA: Fixed the Trojans infecting the comp.
BUSH: Still don't have Winamp, or Media Player, and somehow lost Java. I'll figure something out, or Rob'll figure it out for me. Also, I owe him something. Muahahahahaahahaha.
ALBA: You know what's always fun? Getting into a nice club free because you've got hookups.
ALBA: The first round of the NBA playoffs, mostly. The Western side looks intriguing but the East is its ugly friend who insists since they came together they have to leave together and no guys should come between them, outside of the King's debut later on tonight. Anyhow, Detroit sweeps, Cleveland in 6, Nets in 5, Heat in 6. Other side, Spurs in 7, Dallas sweeps, Suns in 5, and the Clippers--I can't believe I just typed those words with no sarcasm--the Clippers in 6.
ALBA: My grandma's stopped using the bathroom in the middle of the night...
BUSH: ...but two months and it's same as it ever was. Am I miserable because I can't write? Or because I can't write is it making me miserable? Be nice if I had someone, but when do I really have the time to dedicate myself to them and give them the attention they deserve?
ALBA: I really like "Steady As She Goes" by Jack White's little side band the Raconteurs. Plus, the name earns a couple cool points. Like he needs the things...
BUSH: My favorite DJ in the county got fired from the GSC a couple days ago, and the only way I would've known about it is I found him on MySpace the day before (I was assuming I was going to see him tonight on my way to somewhere else). Now, I'm not saying I'll never eat there again if they don't rehire him--oh, wait, that's exactly what I'm saying. And I'm not saying you should send all your viruses to james@gaslampstrip.com...but if you remember having fun with me down there and DJ Professor CC being a reason why, well, you might want to drop a noticia.
ALBA: The write-in protest me & some like-minded people formed the moment we found out about it. See, the Internet ISN'T just for porn! You can do stuff, too!
ALBA: How the hell did I ever live without a portable DVD player? The transit to work, the staying over at Grandma's, even when I'm bored off my ass in my room--plug and play. Gotta love it.
ALBA: Riding a pretty good streak at Full Tilt Poker.
ALBA: The Throwback pick of the Week, since I heard it on the radio yesterday for the first time in two eons is Oran "Juice" Jones' "The Rain". You were holding hands and IIIIIIII will never be the same.... Ought to be lucky, if I'd actually heard all of Nu Shooz's "I Can't Wait" that would've taken presendence for sure.
ALBA: A Baywatch movie? I predict it flops horribly at the box office and becomes the best selling DVD ever. Ever.
np: Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge
4/15/06
KWBR
Format switch!
DROPPED:
"Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock" (13)
"Rodeo" (14)
15. Move Along the All-American Rejects (8)
14. Poppin' My Collar Three 6 Mafia (debut)
13. Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (15)*
12. Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge (debut)
11. Back Like That Ghostface Killah f/Ne-Yo (10)
10. Black Sweat Prince (11)*
09. I'm N' Luv With A Stripper T-Pain feat. Mike Jones (7)
08. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me Fall Out Boy (9)*
07. Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (12)*
06. Touch The Sky Kanye West (2)
05. Temperature Sean Paul (4)
04. So Sick Ne-Yo (1)
03. What You Know T.I. (6)*
02. Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx f/Ying Yang Twins (3)*
01. Tell Me When To Go E-40 f/Keak Da Sneak (5) [2w]
np: Electric Relaxation A Tribe Called Quest
DROPPED:
"Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock" (13)
"Rodeo" (14)
15. Move Along the All-American Rejects (8)
14. Poppin' My Collar Three 6 Mafia (debut)
13. Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (15)*
12. Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge (debut)
11. Back Like That Ghostface Killah f/Ne-Yo (10)
10. Black Sweat Prince (11)*
09. I'm N' Luv With A Stripper T-Pain feat. Mike Jones (7)
08. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me Fall Out Boy (9)*
07. Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (12)*
06. Touch The Sky Kanye West (2)
05. Temperature Sean Paul (4)
04. So Sick Ne-Yo (1)
03. What You Know T.I. (6)*
02. Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx f/Ying Yang Twins (3)*
01. Tell Me When To Go E-40 f/Keak Da Sneak (5) [2w]
np: Electric Relaxation A Tribe Called Quest
4/13/06
I Need A Laptop, Part 6
So, I got to sleep on the World's Smallest Couch yesterday morning, followed by going to work, followed by being shunted into my brother's room trying to watch Veronica Mars on a 12" TV, followed by going back to sleep on the World's Smallest Couch, followed by coming home and finding out somehow my brother's fucked up the Windows Media Player and the Winamp.
Le sigh.
Oh, and I've uninstalled and reinstalled both twice to no success.
Le sigh.
Oh, and I've uninstalled and reinstalled both twice to no success.
4/7/06
Last Night A DJ Saved My Life
So originally!
The plan was to suffer through my get-paid-for-30-but-work-about-115 week watching my grandmother and finding a way to celebrate my brother's 18th. The night after that, DJ AM was going to spin at Belo, a revamped club downtown. I was going to celebrate my freedom with some friends and rock out to some badass mashups.
And then excrement slammed into the cooling device.
My friends all lamed out the night before. I got 7 hours sleep in 2 days. And Grandma seeing a bunch of shit that wasn't there yesterday had me good and depressed to the point where I was going to bail on it. And then, right around the time I was going to chuck it for good, I remembered something I learned from Seinfeld & Philosophy.
See, the little man knows all. You got to listen to the little man. -- Cosmo Kramer
And in this case, the little man said "Fuck them! Live your life!"
So I hurriedly got some shit together, and headed over solo to see it. They complained about price. And going to work tomorrow. My counterargument was that greatness is fleeting, and any chance to experience it is totally worth it.
Yeah, I totally won that one.
Three and a half hours of nonstop awesome. The shirt I just got back from the cleaners is going right back there, the undershirt's going in the hamper, the slacks are getting a wash. And my pinkie toe's got a mother of a blister or something or other. It wasn't even that the warmup act was horrible or anything, it was DJ AM was so awesome I forgave him for Nicole Richie, being in Crazy Town, and 43% of the sins of the white man. Some of the major highlights of one long highlight:
-- He played "Respect" back-to-back with "Please Mr. Postman".
--He played "Please Mr. Postman" and "Tainted Love" and had the brains to not take the pussy way out and follow them up with "Oh Yes" or god forbid "SOS".
--His FUCK THAT SHIT sticker on his comp from www.unamerican.com.
--The consecutive Slick Rick playings of Children's Story and Mona Lisa, then mixed.
--The absolutely ridculous melding of Lionel Richie (ha HA!)'s All Night Long with Tell Me When To Go. By the way, there's going dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, and there's doing so to Lionel Richie, and I got to say, the second way is way better.
--Bringing in the motherfucking guitars! You Shook Me All Night Long? Yeah, boy. Seven Nation Army? Uh-huh. Lithium, Come As You Are and Smells Like Teen Spirit all seperate from each other? And you know this, man!
--The mandatory playing of Don't Stop Believin'.
--Hearing the DMX/Franz Ferdinand mashup live instead of from the MS site.
--In a heretofore unspeakable display of just having the cojones to do it, Sweet Caroline --> Your Love --> Take Me Home --> Jessie's Girl. You read that right: Neil Diamond to the Outfield to Eddie Money to Rick Springfield. Ye gods.
--What could make me dance to I Think We're Alone Now? You guessed it: Hoochie Mama.
--Oh, and towards the end, the Lean With It, Rock With It/Iron Man followed by the Wanksta/We Will Rock You displays.
--And the whole playing Another One Bites The Dust background for Hollaback Girl.
So, yeah, I rule, but not as much as DJ AM. And my friends for laming out--Attell 3:16 is in effect. Now, since I actually get my weekly sleep in my bed tonight, I plan on wearing that fucker OUT.
np: "Shake It Off/Tears Of A Clown" by DJ AM/Mariah Carey/Smokey Robinson & the Miracles
The plan was to suffer through my get-paid-for-30-but-work-about-115 week watching my grandmother and finding a way to celebrate my brother's 18th. The night after that, DJ AM was going to spin at Belo, a revamped club downtown. I was going to celebrate my freedom with some friends and rock out to some badass mashups.
And then excrement slammed into the cooling device.
My friends all lamed out the night before. I got 7 hours sleep in 2 days. And Grandma seeing a bunch of shit that wasn't there yesterday had me good and depressed to the point where I was going to bail on it. And then, right around the time I was going to chuck it for good, I remembered something I learned from Seinfeld & Philosophy.
See, the little man knows all. You got to listen to the little man. -- Cosmo Kramer
And in this case, the little man said "Fuck them! Live your life!"
So I hurriedly got some shit together, and headed over solo to see it. They complained about price. And going to work tomorrow. My counterargument was that greatness is fleeting, and any chance to experience it is totally worth it.
Yeah, I totally won that one.
Three and a half hours of nonstop awesome. The shirt I just got back from the cleaners is going right back there, the undershirt's going in the hamper, the slacks are getting a wash. And my pinkie toe's got a mother of a blister or something or other. It wasn't even that the warmup act was horrible or anything, it was DJ AM was so awesome I forgave him for Nicole Richie, being in Crazy Town, and 43% of the sins of the white man. Some of the major highlights of one long highlight:
-- He played "Respect" back-to-back with "Please Mr. Postman".
--He played "Please Mr. Postman" and "Tainted Love" and had the brains to not take the pussy way out and follow them up with "Oh Yes" or god forbid "SOS".
--His FUCK THAT SHIT sticker on his comp from www.unamerican.com.
--The consecutive Slick Rick playings of Children's Story and Mona Lisa, then mixed.
--The absolutely ridculous melding of Lionel Richie (ha HA!)'s All Night Long with Tell Me When To Go. By the way, there's going dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, and there's doing so to Lionel Richie, and I got to say, the second way is way better.
--Bringing in the motherfucking guitars! You Shook Me All Night Long? Yeah, boy. Seven Nation Army? Uh-huh. Lithium, Come As You Are and Smells Like Teen Spirit all seperate from each other? And you know this, man!
--The mandatory playing of Don't Stop Believin'.
--Hearing the DMX/Franz Ferdinand mashup live instead of from the MS site.
--In a heretofore unspeakable display of just having the cojones to do it, Sweet Caroline --> Your Love --> Take Me Home --> Jessie's Girl. You read that right: Neil Diamond to the Outfield to Eddie Money to Rick Springfield. Ye gods.
--What could make me dance to I Think We're Alone Now? You guessed it: Hoochie Mama.
--Oh, and towards the end, the Lean With It, Rock With It/Iron Man followed by the Wanksta/We Will Rock You displays.
--And the whole playing Another One Bites The Dust background for Hollaback Girl.
So, yeah, I rule, but not as much as DJ AM. And my friends for laming out--Attell 3:16 is in effect. Now, since I actually get my weekly sleep in my bed tonight, I plan on wearing that fucker OUT.
np: "Shake It Off/Tears Of A Clown" by DJ AM/Mariah Carey/Smokey Robinson & the Miracles
4/6/06
This Is The Noise That Keeps Me Awake
--> Survivor. Get le fuck out of here with that merde. Have them watch a 80-year-old gaseous, blind, increasingly disoriented woman with about 4 hours of outside help for a week and a teenaged boy turning 18 for $2 an hour and get back to me. You bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks, as the ever-astute Ben Folds put it.
--> The Bensons are getting divorced! They're getting back together! They're getting divorced! They're getting back together...and all I can think is it's this sort of back and forthing that got them together in the first place, except back then it was on a pole...
--> Christina Milian's new song? Downgrade! (If you want to dance then get down/if you want to chill then sit down...really? Really really?) Ditching Nick Cannon? GIANT upgrade!
--> Speaking of which, I finally caught Who's Line Is It Anyway, Motherfucker last week. Is Katt Williams planning to pose for Atlas? 'Cause he's carrying that show on his back. Good to see the cute Step by Step girl getting work, though.
--> Conan: Is there anything else you'd like to plug?
Brilliant ACTOR!: I have a My Space!
--> Nothing to make you feel warm and fuzzy like seeing one of your favorite shows "blow up" the stadium in your town, only to cut to footage of the one in your old town being demolished.
--> By the way, if I find out who's responsible for moving Veronica Mars against Scrubs, I am going to make Mikey Madsen's shuffle in Reservoir Dogs look like Mambo #5. This isn't like My Name Is Earl & the Office finally curing me of my OC addiction, this is fucking serious. Every year this shit happens, and I don't watch more than 6 primetime network shows a week. Unbelievable.
--> Hey, Billy Packer, since Florida & UCLA are name schools from power conferences, how were the ratings for the final?
--> You know what's aweome about eating at a Brazilian BBQ? Everything: the sense of entitlement, the free bacon in a cup, the cute girl in a cage mixing drinks, and the fact you can get some of the finest meat wrapped in bacon! Turkey? Yes! Sirloin? Damn right! Filet Mignon? Oh, you bet your sweet ass. It's worth at least $10 to consciously feel your heart slowing down. How can you not love a place that grills the PINEAPPLE, for crying out loud?
--> Dani California is going to have to grow on me, I think.
--> I was so psyched about going to see DJ AM tonight, and then I got 7 hours sleep in the past two days, and my friends all bailed on me, and now...
--> Snakes On A Plane. That's all I need to say.
--> To whoever spread the Beckinsale-as-Wonder-Woman April Fool's Day joke: when you die, you will see her walk towards you in that outfit, and right before she gets you one of the devils will cut off your arms and sew your mouth closed you are NOT funny! And history will reflect this!
--> Digital camera first. Then laptop. In between, alcohol.
--> Dave Navarro is a guy's guy. Despite having poker skills, millions of dollars, and Carmen Electra, he seems like a cool guy, as opposed to other guys who have a bunch of stuff and the immediate thought is "THAT douchebag?!" And they may or may not be in Lucky Number Slevin.
--> Common & Jurassic 5? That sounds like the first concert I'm going to this year to me.
--> All right, enough of this. I better go down to the theater and see Basic Instinct 2 before it's sold out.
np: "Four Leaf Clover" by the Old 97s
--> The Bensons are getting divorced! They're getting back together! They're getting divorced! They're getting back together...and all I can think is it's this sort of back and forthing that got them together in the first place, except back then it was on a pole...
--> Christina Milian's new song? Downgrade! (If you want to dance then get down/if you want to chill then sit down...really? Really really?) Ditching Nick Cannon? GIANT upgrade!
--> Speaking of which, I finally caught Who's Line Is It Anyway, Motherfucker last week. Is Katt Williams planning to pose for Atlas? 'Cause he's carrying that show on his back. Good to see the cute Step by Step girl getting work, though.
--> Conan: Is there anything else you'd like to plug?
Brilliant ACTOR!: I have a My Space!
--> Nothing to make you feel warm and fuzzy like seeing one of your favorite shows "blow up" the stadium in your town, only to cut to footage of the one in your old town being demolished.
--> By the way, if I find out who's responsible for moving Veronica Mars against Scrubs, I am going to make Mikey Madsen's shuffle in Reservoir Dogs look like Mambo #5. This isn't like My Name Is Earl & the Office finally curing me of my OC addiction, this is fucking serious. Every year this shit happens, and I don't watch more than 6 primetime network shows a week. Unbelievable.
--> Hey, Billy Packer, since Florida & UCLA are name schools from power conferences, how were the ratings for the final?
--> You know what's aweome about eating at a Brazilian BBQ? Everything: the sense of entitlement, the free bacon in a cup, the cute girl in a cage mixing drinks, and the fact you can get some of the finest meat wrapped in bacon! Turkey? Yes! Sirloin? Damn right! Filet Mignon? Oh, you bet your sweet ass. It's worth at least $10 to consciously feel your heart slowing down. How can you not love a place that grills the PINEAPPLE, for crying out loud?
--> Dani California is going to have to grow on me, I think.
--> I was so psyched about going to see DJ AM tonight, and then I got 7 hours sleep in the past two days, and my friends all bailed on me, and now...
--> Snakes On A Plane. That's all I need to say.
--> To whoever spread the Beckinsale-as-Wonder-Woman April Fool's Day joke: when you die, you will see her walk towards you in that outfit, and right before she gets you one of the devils will cut off your arms and sew your mouth closed you are NOT funny! And history will reflect this!
--> Digital camera first. Then laptop. In between, alcohol.
--> Dave Navarro is a guy's guy. Despite having poker skills, millions of dollars, and Carmen Electra, he seems like a cool guy, as opposed to other guys who have a bunch of stuff and the immediate thought is "THAT douchebag?!" And they may or may not be in Lucky Number Slevin.
--> Common & Jurassic 5? That sounds like the first concert I'm going to this year to me.
--> All right, enough of this. I better go down to the theater and see Basic Instinct 2 before it's sold out.
np: "Four Leaf Clover" by the Old 97s
4/1/06
KWBR
THE HORIZON HAS BEEN DEFEATED:
"The Fallen" (7)
"Dance Dance" (11)
"The Denial Twist" (13)
"My Hood" (15)
15) Yeah Yeah Yeahs ¤ Gold Lion (debut)
14) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (8)
13) MC Lars feat. the Matches ¤ Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock (9)
12) Kelly Clarkson ¤ Walk Away (debut)
11) Prince ¤ Black Sweat (10)
10) Ghostface Killah feat. Ne-Yo ¤ Back Like That (debut)
09) Fall Out Boy ¤ A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" (debut)
08) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (5)
07) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N' Luv With A Stripper {remix} (4)
06) T.I. ¤ What You Know (14)*
05) E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak ¤ Tell Me When To Go (12)*
04) Sean Paul ¤ Temperature (6)*
03) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. New Booty (3)*
02) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky (2)*
01) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (1) [1m]
np: "Down With The Sickness" as covered by Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine
"The Fallen" (7)
"Dance Dance" (11)
"The Denial Twist" (13)
"My Hood" (15)
15) Yeah Yeah Yeahs ¤ Gold Lion (debut)
14) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (8)
13) MC Lars feat. the Matches ¤ Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock (9)
12) Kelly Clarkson ¤ Walk Away (debut)
11) Prince ¤ Black Sweat (10)
10) Ghostface Killah feat. Ne-Yo ¤ Back Like That (debut)
09) Fall Out Boy ¤ A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" (debut)
08) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (5)
07) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N' Luv With A Stripper {remix} (4)
06) T.I. ¤ What You Know (14)*
05) E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak ¤ Tell Me When To Go (12)*
04) Sean Paul ¤ Temperature (6)*
03) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. New Booty (3)*
02) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky (2)*
01) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (1) [1m]
np: "Down With The Sickness" as covered by Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine
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