This Is The Noise That Keeps Me Awake

--> Survivor. Get le fuck out of here with that merde. Have them watch a 80-year-old gaseous, blind, increasingly disoriented woman with about 4 hours of outside help for a week and a teenaged boy turning 18 for $2 an hour and get back to me. You bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks, as the ever-astute Ben Folds put it.

--> The Bensons are getting divorced! They're getting back together! They're getting divorced! They're getting back together...and all I can think is it's this sort of back and forthing that got them together in the first place, except back then it was on a pole...

--> Christina Milian's new song? Downgrade! (If you want to dance then get down/if you want to chill then sit down...really? Really really?) Ditching Nick Cannon? GIANT upgrade!

--> Speaking of which, I finally caught Who's Line Is It Anyway, Motherfucker last week. Is Katt Williams planning to pose for Atlas? 'Cause he's carrying that show on his back. Good to see the cute Step by Step girl getting work, though.

--> Conan: Is there anything else you'd like to plug?
Brilliant ACTOR!: I have a My Space!

--> Nothing to make you feel warm and fuzzy like seeing one of your favorite shows "blow up" the stadium in your town, only to cut to footage of the one in your old town being demolished.

--> By the way, if I find out who's responsible for moving Veronica Mars against Scrubs, I am going to make Mikey Madsen's shuffle in Reservoir Dogs look like Mambo #5. This isn't like My Name Is Earl & the Office finally curing me of my OC addiction, this is fucking serious. Every year this shit happens, and I don't watch more than 6 primetime network shows a week. Unbelievable.

--> Hey, Billy Packer, since Florida & UCLA are name schools from power conferences, how were the ratings for the final?

--> You know what's aweome about eating at a Brazilian BBQ? Everything: the sense of entitlement, the free bacon in a cup, the cute girl in a cage mixing drinks, and the fact you can get some of the finest meat wrapped in bacon! Turkey? Yes! Sirloin? Damn right! Filet Mignon? Oh, you bet your sweet ass. It's worth at least $10 to consciously feel your heart slowing down. How can you not love a place that grills the PINEAPPLE, for crying out loud?

--> Dani California is going to have to grow on me, I think.

--> I was so psyched about going to see DJ AM tonight, and then I got 7 hours sleep in the past two days, and my friends all bailed on me, and now...

--> Snakes On A Plane. That's all I need to say.

--> To whoever spread the Beckinsale-as-Wonder-Woman April Fool's Day joke: when you die, you will see her walk towards you in that outfit, and right before she gets you one of the devils will cut off your arms and sew your mouth closed you are NOT funny! And history will reflect this!

--> Digital camera first. Then laptop. In between, alcohol.

--> Dave Navarro is a guy's guy. Despite having poker skills, millions of dollars, and Carmen Electra, he seems like a cool guy, as opposed to other guys who have a bunch of stuff and the immediate thought is "THAT douchebag?!" And they may or may not be in Lucky Number Slevin.

--> Common & Jurassic 5? That sounds like the first concert I'm going to this year to me.

--> All right, enough of this. I better go down to the theater and see Basic Instinct 2 before it's sold out.

np: "Four Leaf Clover" by the Old 97s