Every Day Is Almost Exactly The Same

WEDNESDAY
12:08 a.m. -- At Grandma's. Pretty soon my parents will be taking their non-refundable trip to Boston for the Women's Final Four, and she'll be here. And I'll be on 24/7 watch, essentially. I try to watch some Letterman but end up reading From A Buick 8 instead around fitting in Conan's monologue.
1:30 -- Sleep.
3 -- Not so much.
3:10 -- Sleep.
5:40 -- Not so much.
5:42 -- False alarm.
6:30 -- Not so much.
6:35 -- Helping Grandma change debuts at #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 on the AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! chart of my life.
7:10 -- Sleep.
8: 17 -- My dad comes to replace me and takes me home since it's raining.
8:40 -- Attempt to sleep in my bed. I think all the room and comfort is throwing me off; the previous day everyone mentioned I looked tired and/or worried at work despite the fact I'd stayed home and slept in my bed for about the 4th night in the last month.
10:20 -- Well, that was something, I guess...
11:50 -- Brother has minimum day. I remember those. I liked them.
12:10 -- Shower.
12:50 -- Out.
1:20 -- Find out I did get Natalie Insurance and that I can call the police. Aaron got a call when it was lost, I was able to call the retriever who assured me she was going to meet Aaron. This was last Friday morning at one. No area code gets her number, and Natalie was already dipping in energy before going into a coma yesterday. Later on today, I'm siccing the pigs on her ass. I knew there was a reason I got insurance.
2 -- Eating. I should do that, and have half a hoagie.
2:30 -- Attempt to file report.
2:31 -- Put on hold.
2:45 -- Screw it, have to work.
3 -- My last day of work for at least a week and a half. I've never been less enthused about it in my life.
3:20 -- Since I have to be awake when Grandma is, and attempt sleep around it, I figure I'm essentially on 24-hour watch. My parents are gone for 6 days, equalling 144 hours. Assuming they get home on time Wednesday night around 10, 142 hours. I'm getting $10 an hour x the 30 hoursish of work I'm missing with a major conference in town by watching Grandma, so that's $300. It suddenly occurs to me I'm getting paid $2 an hour for caretaking a constantly potential life-and-death situation. YUP.
3:25 -- Explaining my absence next week to my boss (a different one) again. Same thing. "Such a great son, such a great grandson!"--you know, it wasn't like I was on Death Row before this. She didn't need a lot of help, but when my parents needed me I pitched in. Cleaning her house, putting in the eye drops, I did those things. And quite selfishly, I'm not going for the Nobel Prize of Grandson.
4:15 -- I try to think about all the fun times I had last month to keep my blood pressure down -- Grandma's proof of how I need to watch that -- but they seem like they happened a year and a half ago.
7:30 -- Done.
8:30 -- Home. Slump in this chair, after noting Grandma's here for some reason. I get interrupted every 3 minutes trying to catch up on what I've missed.
8:57 -- Grandma comes in to listen to her old-time radio stories. People use jeepers.
9 -- And now I can't watch Veronica Mars, the whole reason I didn't stay behind at work (no idea Grandma was here, and couldn't call from Natalie hee hee ho). SO. Angry.
9:01 -- Oh, no Countdown, either--the other 3 members of the house are watching the other 3 TVs.
9:25 -- Decide after reading a paper ad to see DJ AM next Thursday, aka The Soonest After This Fucking Week I can and throw a party. This, of course, is a) assuming I live and b) I don't commit any homicides. She may have had the minor stroke, but my social's on the morphine drip.
10 -- Her shows end! Just in time for me to miss everything!
10:02 -- And guess who's taking her to the bathroom!
10:50 -- Since my mom stopped off for milk, despite the fact she's probably going to have to buy groceries today, I don't even get my 3 hours at home I was expecting. Of course I was expecting to be able to sit on my bed and watch one of my favorite shows that even she raves about, but then again I keep foolishly assuming I have a life.
11:02 -- Back at Grandma's.
11:15 -- My mom launches into a toxicology report that sounds like Limbaugh's autopsy. 6 different types of pills to be served up at 4 different times, 3 eye drops, Social Security, Medicare, insurance, hospital info. Did I mention I'm also taking care of my brother for this interval? I will trade lives with 99.6% of the non-maximum-security-inhabiting populace. The chat seems to stretch forever and depresses me even further, especially in the light of my uncle geting colon cancer and my cousin in Detroit having a heart attack. I feel like the only of age family member who's not on Death Watch.
11:53 -- Why can't I cry about this? I realize I haven't cried about anything in four and a half years (building go down, your heart gets ripped out of your chest, throw in a cheating wife stealing your dog and your pickup and you can get on KSON hyuk), but it seems like as overwhelmed as I am, this would be a fine time. Maybe I'm saving it for later.

EARLY THURSDAY
12:21 -- Reading Stephen King in the face of that isn't that scary, especially when people get wished out to the cornfield instead of dying.
12:40 -- So exhausted I pass out during Conan's monologue.
2:06 -- And up. Decide to skip Donnie Darko; I've got "Mad World" in my head enough these days, thanks.
7:53 -- LAWNMOWER. My grandmother actually goes through five hours with sleep in the middle of the night for only the second time since and I get woken up by the fucking lawnmower. My body screams in pain over sleeping over a couch that can barely fit my 5'8", 160-pound frame lengthwise, the knot between my shoulder blades, my lower back, the back of my head, scream, scream, scream.
8:24 -- And that's waken her up enough to go to the bathroom. Precious. Also, Dad's late. Mmm.
8:42 -- Here we go. As I walk home, I think of how rare it is that I get that long sleep (that constitutes long now) and how it's dreamless. I always dream about something. Starlets. Talk show appearances. Book signings. (That's how I can tell I'm dreaming; I haven't written anything of substance in weeks now.) I slept in darkness, and the one thing I thought of of the thousands of things I had all day and night long was one phrase from a long time ago I heard on the radio: no future no future no future for YOU! Lydon was right and wrong then. He still is now.

np: "Ode To My Family" by the Cranberries

And Brought To You By The Letter ARGH

This is not this is not this is not really happening, hey
You bet your life it is
You bet your life it is
Oh, you bet your life...
--Tori Amos, "Cornflake Girl"

Karma is bullshit.

I know.

I did everything in my power to generate positive energy. I was there for others, as I have been for about a month. I took chances the old me would've never taken. I attempted to put my problems behind for one night in order to keep hope alive.

Every turn lead to a car wreck.

Yes, you can sleep on the same couch and get very little sleep.

Yes, you can watch your father fuck up royally and lead to your grandmother disoriented and crying while you were standing on the other side of the door.

Yes, you can buy new slacks and put yourself out there only to not really get anywhere--awesome crudites aside--and lose your phone.

Yes, you can come home so you can sleep on THAT couch.

What do I do?

What the fuck do I do?

Where is the balance? Where is the stop suffering button? Is this because I'm trying to keep some semblance of a life before I lose it next week? Is it because I hit on a blind girl? Seriously, any answers are welcome. I haven't felt this shitty in years, and the wave keeps on rising.

Time for me to steal 3 hours of sleep. Again. Right before work, too.

I want to
I want to someone else or I'll explode...
--Thom Yorke

KWBR

CHECK YO SELF:
"Perfect Situation" (13)
"I Think They Like Me {remix}" (14)

15) Young Jeezy ¤ My Hood (7)
14) T.I. ¤ What You Know (debut)
13) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (5)
12) E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak ¤ Tell Me When To Go (debut)
11) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (8)

10) Prince ¤ Black Sweat (15)*
09) MC Lars feat. the Matches ¤ Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock (9)*
08) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (12)*
07) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen (4)
06) Sean Paul ¤ Temperature (11)*

05) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (1)
04) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I' m 'N' Luv With A Stripper {remix} (6)*

03) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. New Booty (10)*

[note: if the Natalie Portman rap got any airplay, it'd be here.]

02) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky (3)*

01) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (2) [2w]

np: "The Mountains Win Again" by Blues Traveler

Friday O'Barometer

ALBA: V For Vendetta. The first great movie of the Six. Any smart, well-written movie who stirs my anarchial desires and I can sum up the plot with the phrase "overthrow that shit" is going to get my seal of approval any day. Plus, if I don't, Natalie Portman will kill my fucking dog for fun. Word's out on the block's all I'm sayin.

ALBA: I thought the Boondocks was grooving along before with the Cheney shooting, and now that Granpa's found MySpace...good lord, Calvin & Hobbes finally has a worthy successor. That only took a decade, right?

ALBA: Grandma hasn't gotten any worse.

BUSH: She hasn't exactly gotten better.

BUSH: I wish her couch was wider--at 160 pounds and 5'9" I poke over the sides. Makes it a bastard to sleep well.

ALBA: Really like the new T.I. joint, "What You Know".

BUSH: Rihanna. As if the first two songs weren't annoying enough, she's biting Tainted Love now. Anyway we can get her and D4L on the same plane and pull a Skynyrd on that bitch?

ALBA: Payday!

BUSH: Haven't left the house yet today. The new sleeping pattern and working the last 3 days is fucking with my head.

ALBA: I should totally buy the Chappelle's Block Party CD when I do leave.

BUSH: I don't have any set plans for tonight, and for some reason I'm not enormously psyched for Irish Drinking Day. What the hell.

ALBA: 11-5 yesterday on the picks. Lousy Wilmington. Dumbass SDSU.

BUSH: Everybody in the APA pick pool is like at 60% minimum; I haven't been able to break away from the pack yet.

ALBA: The new Kelly Clarkson, "Walk Away". That's right, I said it. Bring it on!

BUSH: My parents couldn't get their hotel & flight deal refunded for the Women's Final Four so I am going to have to watch Grandma for a week while finding some way to celebrate my brother's 18th birthday.

ALBA: I am getting paid commensorate with my work equivalent for having to take that whole week off and not get any bookings.

ALBA: No rent until this thing gets settled, for the first time in a few years.

ALBA: Tax refund! BIGGEST EVER tax refund! You like that, huh?! CAN YOU FEEL IT!? HUH!?!!??!?

ALBA: Portable DVD player? DVD to hook up to the TV? DVD/TV combo? Better digital camera? Cell upgrade? What ever shall I dooooooooooo?

BUSH: Bronchial phlegm that won't go away because I can't take real medicine due to me being up more or less all night long with Grandma? Das not cool.

ALBA: Party tomorrow--well, one of them...

ALBA: Busting out a TRIPLE Running Man with Marco & Madeline at the club last Saturday. I need more friends willing to act out "Tainted Love" with me, and now I have them. EXcellent. (Another reason to love Kelly Clarkson: the Lawnmower totally owns a party.)

ALBA: Anybody really think I wasn't going to pick "Jump Around" for this installment's Throwback pick? Top o' the mornin' to ya.

np: "Like A Stone" by Audioslave

The Four Leaf Clovers/Straight Man's Oscar Fashion Review

1. Jessica Alba (the usual, 8 on the Oscar scale)
2. Salma Hayek (10/17)*
3. Trish Stratus (2)
4. Eva Longoria (3)
5. JLH (5/8)
6. Stacy Keibler (7/9)*
7. Katherine Heigl (4)
8. Jessica Biel (8)
9. Shakira (6)
10. Jennifer Walcott (11)*
11. Kate Beckinsale (14)*
12. Halle Berry (12)
13. Vida Guerra (9)
14. Josie Maran (15)
15. Brooke Burke (13)
16. Carmen Electra (18/7)
17. Summer Altice (19)
18. Charisma Carpenter (16)
19. Raquel Gibson (21)*
20. Kim Smith (22)
21. Mayra Veronica (23)*
22. Sofia Vergara (20)
23. Scarlett Johansson (34)*
24. Lacey Chabert (25)
25. Rachel Bilson (17/5)
26. Kristen Bell (31)*
27. Shannon Elizabeth (24)
28. Jessica Simpson (33)*
29. Beyonce (32)
30. Marisa Miller (debut)
31. Michelle Trachtenberg (40)*
32. Alyssa Milano (26/7)
33. Keira Knightley (debut)
34. Esther Baxter (38)
35. Gail Kim (27)
36. Jamie Pressly (36)
37. Nikki Cox (30)
38. Monica Bellucci (39)
39. Petra Nemcova (debut)
40. Mariah Carey (29)

ALSO OSCAR-WORTHY:
Kelly Hu, Gina Gershon, Pam Anderson, and Vanessa Minillo

DROPPED FROM RANKINGS:
Gabrielle Union (28), Eliza Dushku (35), Rachel McAdams (40)

np: "Pardon Me" by Incubus

Reason #7843 Why I Secretly Love Kelly Clarkson

Go, white girl! Go, white girl! Go, go, go white girl!

Odds of me doing this Saturday night have been taken off the board at Caesar's. Oscar Fashion Review in the next couple days...

np: "Let Me Clear My Throat" by DJ Kool

This Is The Noise That Keeps Me From Sleeping Right

I've given all I can
It's not enough
I've given all I can but we're still on the payroll...
--Thom Yorke

Some people's blogs and lives go through about as clincially as the six-month visit to the medic. They never get too high, they never get too low. I suspect they make great marriage partners, the kind that don't let the shit drag them down and don't lose sight of The Big Picture when the highs occur even while enjoying them.

I'm not one of those people. It's not in my blood; I feel virtually wired to be wired. I need my emotions for everything except big poker hands. Actually, I feel better that I am this way. Highs are meant to be ridden out, lows are too. That being said.

{Note to Future Self: sure, I regret this post there. At the time I needed it. So save it.}

I am coming apart like a baseball that didn't get the proper stitching. My throat is sore and filling up with phelgm. My back is screaming. I've got a headache that feels like a fat person sitting on the top of my head. What little bit of my room was still mine isn't mine anymore. For the past week I've done nothing but sit on couches, siphoning off sleep in 2-and-3 hour bursts while the rest of the family goes on with their lives. It's making me increasingly irritable, cranky, possibly insane. I have to push this all down, or did until I started this post.

My grandmother is getting better, I think. I hope. But I'm at a fine crossroads between selflessness and ego. I realize in the long-term she's more important, she needs the more help, she needs the bed and anything else I can give her because her tomorrows are even less promised than mine.

There's that.

But I can feel myself changing, and I feel powerless to stop it. My already infringed privacy is down to nothing; people shuttle out of the "my room" area every 4 minutes, roughly. I can't write anything of substance despite the free time I'm getting ideas in because I'm a spurt writer and need a block of time guaranteed without interruption (also why I'm such a night owl). I feel, physically, the worst I've felt in the past year, easy. It's been like being a firefighter who never gets a day off: every time the phone rings, every bump in the night, every call of a name and here's life or death and the path is you.

And what about the worst of it? What about all the suspicions by the time your picky mother finds a home with the full-service option it's going to be too late? What about all the misgivings you had about not finding a place when she started going blind last year turning into full-on regret? (Interruption. To wit.) What about all this so-called family camraderie that's suddenly sprung up--you think that's going to be there next week if this keeps? Next month? What happens if/when the worst happens? You think they lean on you now to cover the graveyard shift, what happens if IT happens? You're going to have to carry the weight, again. Times a billion. Everything you've started missing this week? Gone. You might never sleep right again. You might not see the outside world until it's your 10-year-reunion. Everything you started getting going before this happened is already beginning to stale off and fade into dull tableau; good luck getting them back. It's all going to end, and just get worse. You might not get out.

for a minute there, i lost myself

KWBR

GET YOUR WALK ON:
"Turn It Up" (7)
"Talk" (13)
"There It Go [The Whistle Song]" (14)

15) The Artist Currently Known As Prince ¤ Black Sweat (debut)
14) Dem Franchize Boyz feat. Jermaine Dupri, Da Brat & Bow Wow ¤ I Think They Like Me [rmx] (9)
13) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (re-entry)
12) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (10)
11) Sean Paul ¤ Temperature (debut)

10) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. Fat Booty (15)*
09) MC Lars feat. the Matches ¤ Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock (11)*
08) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (12)
07) Young Jeezy ¤ My Hood (8)*
06) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N' Luv With A Stripper [rmx] (6)*

05) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (2)
04) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen (3)

03) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky (4)*

02) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (5)*

01) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (1) {1m}

np: "Back Stabbers" by the O'Jays

Go And Have A Party If You Want To

Dave Chappelle's Block Party (****½):
All right, Dave's funny and shit. But the lineup made me get my Tyrone Biggums on.

I was eating a carne asada burrito and then all my favorite hip-hop acts came and sang songs for two hours straight godDAMN talking bout Kanye and the Roots and Dead Pres Mos and Talib and Common and Jilly and Erykah and the Fugees getting back together and Lauryn all singing 'Killin me softly with hiiiiiiiisssss sooooooonnnnnnng..."

np: "What's Beef" by Black Star