You've GOT To Fight Your Weight Class
So HERE'S a story.
I get a call from the freeway in the middle of the afternoon and a voice says "That's how we do things in Orange County!"
Nate. Yes, he of the Liz story Nate. They're coming to town. Do I have plans? Nah. So we end up hanging out. We watch "Blazing Saddles" and then it's up to Pacific Beach.
Friday night in PB is pretty much one of the places to be in town, and we hit up a billiard hall. We couldn't get a table with a working light overhead and considering it was about 10 we decided to book. We went to the PB Bar & Grill, my favorite place to dance in town (there's a dance floor behind the bar and patio and pool tables and whatnot). Eventually we get in and after a few drinks more we get towards the floor. It takes a little goading from Nate (who it turns out has broken up with Liz, go figure). I start dancing for an hour in my pimped out discoesque shirt and he, I and Amanda were all going pretty strong.
After an hour, the heat's getting to us and we decide to break. And as I go to catch a break because I am sweating off about 3% of my body weight, two things happen: a) another song I want to get down to...there were a lot...I want to say "Pump It Up" starts and 2) this complete dime who looks like Rose McGowan brunette walks right past me. So the plan changes: THEY get to leave. I got some tuna to fish for. Butter my balls and call me a cookie sheet, she's wearing this white tank top and this little beige skirt and it's like a shopping mall parking space that gets vacated Christmas Eve. Gotta keep away the rest and park in there.
I am, if not always good per se, a dedicated dancer. I have literally gone 90 minutes after friends have crapped out, at PBB&G in fact. And here is what happened when I got behind her two songs later after a brief look on her part to see what she was about to get into: she totally, completely, wore my ass O U T. Never happened before, but she was just something I write about instead of something that actually happens to me. And that whole thing for 20 minutes where she made her ass an extension of my groin...*deep breath* lordamercy.
The double mattress is calling and I need to pick up. Night.
CHRIST.
9/27/03
9/20/03
"Starbucks COFFEE?", You Have Been Replaced
So the last two days have been hassle-ridden, but not enough for me to blow up. And I'm working the next 3 days (added a short run Monday because the week after is so piss-poor I'm gonna end up with a WHOLE F'N WEEK off). And today was Boring with a capital English movie.
But on the way out.
Me & Ben are clocking out early because the home show is such a bomb scare, so as we head out suddenly this hot blonde pops up Oliver Sudden and starts talking about Vegas and four days free if we go to this spa and whatnot. I was prepared to Chris Rock yes-no-really-get outta here-I don't believe it-I tol you that bitch crazy my way through because she's hot and all. She finds out he's 19, and I'm 24. Suddenly the focus shifts to me.
Now imagine the glory days of the 80s, and more specifically the best game show in the history of existence Press Your Luck. Imagine I have 7 turns.
Her: "You married?"
Me: "No."
($4,000 and a spin. $2,000. trip to Cancun.)
Her: "You DATING anybody?"
($5,000 and a spin. Everyone in the free world is yelling PASS. Fuck em. NOWHAMMYNOWHAMMYBIGMONEYC'MONSTOP $500.)
Me (slightly befuddled): "Nooo..."
[Is it the goofy-ass nautical uniforms? We all seem to hate them and yet people who DON'T have to wear them for a living love the things; maybe the combination of my baby face and the uni has set off an alarm in her heart that must be obeyed lest she miss out on true love. Or a five-hour romp through a sexual playground that was once just rumor. Either/or.]
And then, like that, the BRAND NEW LINE OF THE YEAR.
"Do you make more than $100,000 a year before taxes?"
In retrospect, I should've lied.
"No."
(AND IT'S A WHAAAAAAAAAAAAMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.)
And the wheels come off the bread truck and there went Vegas and there went the blonde. *sigh* I can't believe I came up with the "Dammit, prom night flashback! (longtime BR fans will know why THAT'S fucking hilarious)" line comeback that fast. Everyone at work heard the story, because dammit, that was some comedy. The guys wery very commiserative and it wasn't until the second time I asked for my $100,000 raise my boss laughed, so you never know.
So the last two days have been hassle-ridden, but not enough for me to blow up. And I'm working the next 3 days (added a short run Monday because the week after is so piss-poor I'm gonna end up with a WHOLE F'N WEEK off). And today was Boring with a capital English movie.
But on the way out.
Me & Ben are clocking out early because the home show is such a bomb scare, so as we head out suddenly this hot blonde pops up Oliver Sudden and starts talking about Vegas and four days free if we go to this spa and whatnot. I was prepared to Chris Rock yes-no-really-get outta here-I don't believe it-I tol you that bitch crazy my way through because she's hot and all. She finds out he's 19, and I'm 24. Suddenly the focus shifts to me.
Now imagine the glory days of the 80s, and more specifically the best game show in the history of existence Press Your Luck. Imagine I have 7 turns.
Her: "You married?"
Me: "No."
($4,000 and a spin. $2,000. trip to Cancun.)
Her: "You DATING anybody?"
($5,000 and a spin. Everyone in the free world is yelling PASS. Fuck em. NOWHAMMYNOWHAMMYBIGMONEYC'MONSTOP $500.)
Me (slightly befuddled): "Nooo..."
[Is it the goofy-ass nautical uniforms? We all seem to hate them and yet people who DON'T have to wear them for a living love the things; maybe the combination of my baby face and the uni has set off an alarm in her heart that must be obeyed lest she miss out on true love. Or a five-hour romp through a sexual playground that was once just rumor. Either/or.]
And then, like that, the BRAND NEW LINE OF THE YEAR.
"Do you make more than $100,000 a year before taxes?"
In retrospect, I should've lied.
"No."
(AND IT'S A WHAAAAAAAAAAAAMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.)
And the wheels come off the bread truck and there went Vegas and there went the blonde. *sigh* I can't believe I came up with the "Dammit, prom night flashback! (longtime BR fans will know why THAT'S fucking hilarious)" line comeback that fast. Everyone at work heard the story, because dammit, that was some comedy. The guys wery very commiserative and it wasn't until the second time I asked for my $100,000 raise my boss laughed, so you never know.
9/17/03
THIS Is What I Do With My Days Off.
Since the template change killed the old CILF list. I should really geek out like Feely and have a college footballian weekly top 25. I still might.
10 Michelle Branch (new)
09 Summer Altice (up)
08 Ana Beatriz Barros (new)
07 Anna Kournikova (down)
06 Christina Aguilera (up)
05 Alyson Hannigan (up)
04 Eliza Dushku (up)
03 Jennifer Love Hewitt (steady)
02 Trish Stratus (steady)
01 Jessica Alba (steady)
Since the template change killed the old CILF list. I should really geek out like Feely and have a college footballian weekly top 25. I still might.
10 Michelle Branch (new)
09 Summer Altice (up)
08 Ana Beatriz Barros (new)
07 Anna Kournikova (down)
06 Christina Aguilera (up)
05 Alyson Hannigan (up)
04 Eliza Dushku (up)
03 Jennifer Love Hewitt (steady)
02 Trish Stratus (steady)
01 Jessica Alba (steady)
9/16/03
9/8/03
Getting A Last Piece Of The Action, Making The Scene, And Other Things This Heathen Did Sunday That Didn't Involve Football
IN: Loose morals
OUT: Bible thumpers
IN: Skateboards
OUT: Canes
IN: Tight pants
OUT: Panties
VERY IN: Panties out of tight pants
IN: Black
OUT: Bright colors less pink on girls
IN: Mesh hats
IN: Girls you want to take over the kitchen counter
OUT: Girls you want to take home to Mom
IN: Self-promotion
OUT: Dignity
IN: Stickers
OUT: $20 per removal
IN: Starbucks
OUT: Starbucks. (It's like the ElimiDate of franchises. You know you shouldn't, but every day at the same time, you think to yourself, well, what the hell.)
IN: ex-Juggy twins
OUT: Coors twins
IN: Matching outfits
IN: Matching outfits
IN: For real, nigga, matching outfits
IN: Free panties
OUT: Free blowjobs, no matter how fast a spin you put on it
VERY IN: The idea of going from hot girl to hot girl seeing who fits the panties, and making her queen. I almost wrote down cream! Why IS that?
ALWAYS IN: hot girls giving me free shirts my size. BUJ WAH.
IN: for their return in January
OUT: most of the boring-ass conferences before then.
Huzzah, Action Sports.
So right after work I cross the street and hit the big music festival/street fair/psuedo-hippie collective. Catch the tail end of Macy Gray. She was cool, good cover of "Come Together". Ran into Jessica, late of DustinandJessica from the Liz Story or the Spring Break story for the first time in years. People used to exchange phone numbers: she got my AIM, e-m, and THIS joint, and I her e-m. That provides a good segue since I ran two blocks from Gray to catch Bad Religion, who DID NOT PLAY "21st Century Digital Boy". Bastids. Anyway, it was pretty fun watching the mosh pit and being the only black guy there until "Stranger Than Fiction". I'm still trying to figure out how there were so many hot chicks at Bad Freaking Religion; this blonde in front of me looked exactly like Buffy Summers. And no, I didn't mean to say Sarah Michelle Gellar there: BUFFY.
But those were merely the side dishes I plowed through in order to devour the porterhouse: my favorite band in the world (again, now that tATu has sadly broken up), R.E.M. Setlist for fellow diStiples:
Finest Worksong
What's the Frequency, Kenneth?
Drive
Animal (new; about a 7, "Ticket To Ride"ish)
The Great Beyond *--NEVER thought they'd play this but huzzah to them for doing so
Honorable
Bad Day (new; 9, Anti Bush II, repeats "tired of being jerked around"...of course, the Kindler/Leno-Letterman Theory...)
The One I Love (and people WEREN'T kissing! I feel ripped off.)
Daysleeper*
Driver 8
Orange Crush
[stumped! curses]
Losing My Religion (the big en-masse singalong of the night)
Find The River
Electrolite*
She Just Wants
Walk Unafraid
Man On The Moon
The Entirely Surprising OK Not Really Encore
Everybody Hurts
Imitation Of Life
Nightswimming
Get Up-->It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
1a concert (P-Funk, four hours, the cops shut it down.) Happy Robotolla talked me into flying solo to go. Now to catch the Prahm Tahm rerun since I got off work early.
IN: Loose morals
OUT: Bible thumpers
IN: Skateboards
OUT: Canes
IN: Tight pants
OUT: Panties
VERY IN: Panties out of tight pants
IN: Black
OUT: Bright colors less pink on girls
IN: Mesh hats
IN: Girls you want to take over the kitchen counter
OUT: Girls you want to take home to Mom
IN: Self-promotion
OUT: Dignity
IN: Stickers
OUT: $20 per removal
IN: Starbucks
OUT: Starbucks. (It's like the ElimiDate of franchises. You know you shouldn't, but every day at the same time, you think to yourself, well, what the hell.)
IN: ex-Juggy twins
OUT: Coors twins
IN: Matching outfits
IN: Matching outfits
IN: For real, nigga, matching outfits
IN: Free panties
OUT: Free blowjobs, no matter how fast a spin you put on it
VERY IN: The idea of going from hot girl to hot girl seeing who fits the panties, and making her queen. I almost wrote down cream! Why IS that?
ALWAYS IN: hot girls giving me free shirts my size. BUJ WAH.
IN: for their return in January
OUT: most of the boring-ass conferences before then.
Huzzah, Action Sports.
So right after work I cross the street and hit the big music festival/street fair/psuedo-hippie collective. Catch the tail end of Macy Gray. She was cool, good cover of "Come Together". Ran into Jessica, late of DustinandJessica from the Liz Story or the Spring Break story for the first time in years. People used to exchange phone numbers: she got my AIM, e-m, and THIS joint, and I her e-m. That provides a good segue since I ran two blocks from Gray to catch Bad Religion, who DID NOT PLAY "21st Century Digital Boy". Bastids. Anyway, it was pretty fun watching the mosh pit and being the only black guy there until "Stranger Than Fiction". I'm still trying to figure out how there were so many hot chicks at Bad Freaking Religion; this blonde in front of me looked exactly like Buffy Summers. And no, I didn't mean to say Sarah Michelle Gellar there: BUFFY.
But those were merely the side dishes I plowed through in order to devour the porterhouse: my favorite band in the world (again, now that tATu has sadly broken up), R.E.M. Setlist for fellow diStiples:
Finest Worksong
What's the Frequency, Kenneth?
Drive
Animal (new; about a 7, "Ticket To Ride"ish)
The Great Beyond *--NEVER thought they'd play this but huzzah to them for doing so
Honorable
Bad Day (new; 9, Anti Bush II, repeats "tired of being jerked around"...of course, the Kindler/Leno-Letterman Theory...)
The One I Love (and people WEREN'T kissing! I feel ripped off.)
Daysleeper*
Driver 8
Orange Crush
[stumped! curses]
Losing My Religion (the big en-masse singalong of the night)
Find The River
Electrolite*
She Just Wants
Walk Unafraid
Man On The Moon
The Entirely Surprising OK Not Really Encore
Everybody Hurts
Imitation Of Life
Nightswimming
Get Up-->It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
1a concert (P-Funk, four hours, the cops shut it down.) Happy Robotolla talked me into flying solo to go. Now to catch the Prahm Tahm rerun since I got off work early.
9/6/03
The Short And Hot Of It
Well, I got shoved upstairs where nothing was happening so hiss. But on my slow walk out of the building that just happened to have a trade show in it, I literally almost plowed over Wee Man and then made small talk with the Costello Twins, fresh off a few years on the Man Show. And some girls were handing out stuff (because that's why all the hot girls are here; like you let the public in on THIS) and I got a pair of panties. Dammit, I wanted the SHIRT that said Made In Hollywood. Or the girls handing out the panties IN said panties. But beggers and blah blah blah. Got a No Ma'am shirt too.
Heavy lifting starts tomorrow. Maybe I'll have a good come on line for the twins by then.
Well, I got shoved upstairs where nothing was happening so hiss. But on my slow walk out of the building that just happened to have a trade show in it, I literally almost plowed over Wee Man and then made small talk with the Costello Twins, fresh off a few years on the Man Show. And some girls were handing out stuff (because that's why all the hot girls are here; like you let the public in on THIS) and I got a pair of panties. Dammit, I wanted the SHIRT that said Made In Hollywood. Or the girls handing out the panties IN said panties. But beggers and blah blah blah. Got a No Ma'am shirt too.
Heavy lifting starts tomorrow. Maybe I'll have a good come on line for the twins by then.
9/5/03
Here Is Something You CAN Understand
Today, in a word, rocked.
Two words: FUCKING rocked.
Three: REALLY fucking rocked.
You gets the point.
The convention this weekend is all sports stuff. I worked coat check and not only did I get to sit down away from the sunlight, but these people lean on the tips. And and and the place looks like a quarter-mile-long Diddy video; I think I fell in lust roughly 132 times today.
And THEN after my shift I got to cash my check.
And I'm going back into that seedy mob tomorrow.
I'm a fortunate one.
Today, in a word, rocked.
Two words: FUCKING rocked.
Three: REALLY fucking rocked.
You gets the point.
The convention this weekend is all sports stuff. I worked coat check and not only did I get to sit down away from the sunlight, but these people lean on the tips. And and and the place looks like a quarter-mile-long Diddy video; I think I fell in lust roughly 132 times today.
And THEN after my shift I got to cash my check.
And I'm going back into that seedy mob tomorrow.
I'm a fortunate one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)