You better get something from the icebox and a cold beverage now. ..this post took an hour over four days in fifteen-minute incriments.
Buckle up.
ALBA: To Victor for introducing this concept as the Cindys last year, which I replicated with the Albas, which mutated into this when I co-co-opted (call the dictionary people) Matt the Basketball's For and Against format and revamped it into something more selfcentric.
BUSH: For earning this name all year long.
ALBA: See above. Oh, hey, this e-mail just returned back from the server...
To: world@earth.net
From: butchman79@hotmail.com
Subject: Jessica Alba
Text:
I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SIX YEARS AGO! DIDN'T I tell you!?! Get your late-pass-having asses the fuck off my bandwagon!
BUSH: Sophia. Could've had something, but apparently Hey Jealousy isn't just a Gin Blossoms song. You live, you learn, she's fucking nutso, you learn...
ALBA: Brenda & Glenda, even if I haven't seen them since. And I thought that was going to be the highpoint of my year.
ALBA: Getting more awesome at bowling. I haven't in too long. But I'm a pin away from doubling my formerly pathetic average!
ALBA: "Oh, no! We just bought tickets!"
BUSH: Not going to Miami. I think.
ALBA: Poker. It's not just fun--it turns out I'm good. Turn-out-a-minor-profit good. The Dark Horse (™ Dule Hill?) will continue riding over the competition in the aught-six.
ALBA: My triumphant return to the stage. I make an awesome Randal. I'm a berzerker...
BUSH: Britney Spears. Bitch, what the fuck happened to you!?
BUSH: Christina Aguilera, for getting married and quiet. See above comment.
ALBA: Kevin Federline. The man's sitting on nine figures and trades up a pregnant chick for a global superstar who doesn't sign prenup? Maybe some people hate on the style he creates 'cause it's straight 2008--I just want to know when I can go to the Learning Annex and take his class.
ALBA: Killing the dresser. It had to die for the greater good.
ALBA: Emptying the accounts to see Snoop & the Game...
BUSH: How was I supposed to know Snoop would come back two more times in the subsequent eight months?
ALBA: Keith Olbermann--or as I like to call him, the Way, the Truth, and the Light...
ALBA: Playing High Fidelity with Liz over the best hot chocolate in the county, back when she was around.
ALBA: Buying X & Y & Crunk Juice & Late Registration.
BUSH: "What songs other than Fix You/Lovers And Friends/Gold Digger?"
BUSH: The 1st Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam. It was like Paul's Boutique--everyone who got loved it, but there were only like 5 of y'all. It was too ahead of it's time, I suppose.
ALBA: The deal I scored in July. (To be continued...)
BUSH: I didn't meet Natalie Portman, and as a result she didn't get to meet her "baby" or record The Best Answering Machine Message In The History Of Mankind.
BUSH: That month between the end of the Comic-Con and before The Trip, during which I have no recollection whatsoever. That was my evil twin what tried to juggle 3 girls, said all the bad things about the President, and didn't tip.
BUSH: Chappelle getting replaced by Carlos "Ned" Mencia is like going to bed with Victoria Silvstedt and waking up with the bus driver from South Park.
ALBA: Tom Cruise is crazy!
ALBA: The guy who left his 3 iPod minis...
ALBA: ...and the look on his face when I said I hadn't seen them.
MOTHER. FUCKING. ALBA.: VEGAS, BABY! How many Albas can I fit into this Alba? Let's find out! Cheap deal on a four-day weekend to a major hotel (3)! Going with my best friends! (5) Seeing the best DJ walking the face of the planet for free (7)! Staying up allllllll night long and going to bed at 7 a.m. (8)! Up at 4 with breakfast at 5 (9)! Getting wasted and walking around (10)! Swimming and not dying to some of my favorite songs (12)! Tom Jones--who--TOM JONES--who--TOM JONES! (13)! Taking a limo to the World's Largest Strip Club and kicking it all night with an awesome woman who happens to be a stripper and can get her legs behind her head and yours while you sip the Heineken and gives lapdances the way they're meant to be had (436,264)! VEGAS, BABY!
ALBA: Steve Gilliard's blog --> which I found in the wake of Katrina.
ALBA: Those poor innocent Carolina cheerleaders.
BUSH: Debt. Vegas, baby.
ALBA: Veronica Mars! One of these days I'm going to hurt something trying to make sweet love to Kristen Bell through the television.
ALBA: My Space.
BUSH: None of you told me! Yes, I'm still pissed! Yes, you deserve to die, and I hope you burn in hell!
ALBA: Patrick Fitzgerald, Hero To Millions.
ALBA: Aaron's birthday party, because it was the shiiiiiiiiiiit.
ALBA: Coaching a bunch of ragtag misfits to the playoffs, 'cause that's how I roll.
BUSH: Tom Cruise is crazy.
ALBA: Halloween weekend. I (was) Rick James, bitch! Got "Give It To Me" baby played in the club just by showing up, got a couple dozen picture requests, got a bunch of people wanting me to fuck their couches, and got the lid shut on the whole Sophia thing. A celebration, indeed.
BUSH: The cancellation of two awesome comedies, Arrested Development and Taradise.
BUSH: Another NaNoWriMo implosion.
ALBA: Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic. And, since I forgot to mention their awesome NC17ness earlier, the Aristocrats.
BUSH: Eddy's passing.
ALBA: Miss S. '06, here we come? He wishes.
ALBA: the Boondocks, for stepping into the aforementioned void.
THE ALBA: Y'all. It doesn't matter if it's Rob bringing me up with one hand and smacking me with the other, it doesn't matter if KRS-One doesn't know the difference between a Cheerio and a Hello, it doesn't matter if Jen's all the way on the other side of the country, it doesn't matter that KMB's Jewish because we share DNA, it doesn't matter that Aaron had the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER, it doesn't matter Amanda's in LA (currently Vail, but bear with me), it doesn't matter Ivan has the short term memory of a fruit fly, it doesn't matter if you're Team Steve and that's how I met you or if you knew me before and were horrified at the memory, or one of the Potentials that didn't come through or the one that might...it doesn't matter.
You do.
Thanks for everything.
And catch you in the '06.
np: "Hook" by Blues Traveler
12/31/05
12/29/05
Get Your Kodak On: December '05
- Jessica Alba
- Trish Stratus (2)
- Angelina Jolie (3)
- Eva Longoria (5)
- Shakira (4)
- JLH (6)
- Assa Guerass (™ Orangio Inc.) (15)
- Jessica Biel (9)*
- Katherine Heigl (17)*
- Salma Hayek (8)
- Halle Berry (14)
- Summer Altice (13)
- Brooke Burke (11)
- Kim Smith (21)
- Jennifer Walcott (20)*
- Rachel Bilson (10)
- Carmen Electra (23)
- Stacy Keibler (7)
- Josie Maran (12)
- Charisma Carpenter (19)
- Beyonce (22)
- Nikki Cox (24)
- Shannon Elizabeth (18)
- Sofia Vergara (16)
- Raquel Gibson (debut)
- Gabrielle Union (27)*
- Alyssa Milano (28)
- Lacey Chabert (29)
- Mayra Veronica (debut)
- Jessica Simpson (26)
- Esther Baxter (38)
- Gail Kim (32)
- Leeann Tweeden (reentry)
- Ali Landry (36)
- Mariah Carey (debut)
- Adriana Lima (31)
- Kristanna Loken (37)
- K.D. Aubert (34)
- Rachel McAdams (debut)
- Kelly Hu (39)
ALSO RECEIVING VOTES:
Eva Mendez, Jaime Pressly, Eliza Dushku, Maria Menonous, Ashley Hartman, Grace Park, Marisa Miller
DROPPED FROM RANKINGS:
Sarah Shahi (25), Elizabeth Hurley (30), Monica Bellucci (33), Jenny McCarthy (35), Mya (40)
This post is brought to you BAH: "You Make Me Feel Like A Whore" by Everclear
12/25/05
Religious Deity Of Choice (Assuming You Believe In Such Things) Bless Us, Everyone
It's the most wonderful time of the year, when you see how much your people really care about you by how much money they spent.
ADDENDUM: And I thought my Christmas was half-assed before! Ah, well, don't stop believin', I guess.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls
- scrolling redlighted belt buckle (already club-tested, club-approved)
- Jessica Alba Fantastic 4 poster (Rob is Number One and THE BEST.)
- the Unplugged Jay-Z and best of Destiny's Child CDs (BASKETBALL~~....though I doubt that's the first time Hov and B have shared a box...)
- Daily Show 2006 America calendar
- Ferris Bueller's Day Off DVD (sorry, Mike. I blame the ham.)
- pool stick of their late sister/friend of mine, named in her honor by me (bless you, Danny)
- Madden '06 for the Cube (I love Rob in a completely heterosexual manner)
- same 2 bags of chocolates
- same Best Buy gift certificate
- same Borders gift certificate [Beastie Boys' Solid Gold Hits, headphones, year-end Rolling Stone]
- same $35
- pocket Texas Hold 'Em game (too bad it didn't come with instructions; haven't been able to kick the tires on it yet)
- poker set (200 chips, 2 decks)
- 10 piece grooming set
ADDENDUM: And I thought my Christmas was half-assed before! Ah, well, don't stop believin', I guess.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls
12/24/05
The Last KWBR Of 2005
NOT ENOUGH:
"Shake" (12)
15) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (11)
14) My Chemical Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (14)*
13) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Young Buck & Lloyd Banks ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (13)*
12) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (3)
11) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (8)
10) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (15)*
09) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (10)*
08) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (debut)*
07) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (7)
06) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (2)
05) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (9)*
04) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (4)
03) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It (remix) (6)*
02) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)*
01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) (1) [6w]
This post is brought to you BAH: "Crawling In The Dark" by Hoobstank
"Shake" (12)
15) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (11)
14) My Chemical Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (14)*
13) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Young Buck & Lloyd Banks ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (13)*
12) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (3)
11) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (8)
10) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (15)*
09) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (10)*
08) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (debut)*
07) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (7)
06) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (2)
05) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (9)*
04) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (4)
03) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It (remix) (6)*
02) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)*
01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) (1) [6w]
This post is brought to you BAH: "Crawling In The Dark" by Hoobstank
12/16/05
This Year's Time Capsule
Best song I downloaded this year
As previously evidenced, "Gold Digger" by Kanye West and "Fix You" by Coldplay.
My favorite new toy
It's a tie between My Space and Natalie the cell. Pictures. 500 numbers...*drool*
Favorite word or phrase of 2005
"George Bush doesn't care about black people." KANYEEZY~ I should send a shout-out to the Pimp's Prayer on the Boondocks ("Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch. And guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that she might learn a ho's place. Amen.") and that triplet on My Sweet 16 who was told by one of her dopplegangers her hair was flopping and she wasn't quite looking right who absorbed the comment and then whispered "You're an evil whore." It's all about the delivery. [ADDENDUM: Can't believe I forgot "You're...you're so glib" by the Increasingly Nutty Scientology Cruiser. What an awesome catch-all that phrase is.]
Fill in the blank: George Bush doesn't care about ______.
Anyone not aligned with him/white/rich/old/American
Band you'd most like to see replace their singer on national TV
Hot Hot Heat and My Chemical Romance should trade, straight up.
Tom Cruise: brainwashed, bullying cult freak or all-seeing, all-knowing seventh-level Thetan?
Gotta be the first one. I can't wait for the divorce in 2011 and Katie turning into the new age Tara Reid. Heard it here first, kids!
Saddest celebrity breakup
Kirstie Alley and restraint.
Man crush of the year
Patrick Fitzgerald. But it's more what's he's doin' for a brother than actual looks.
Best sex I've had all year
I think I had some sort of Tantric orgasm during Sin City.
Obsession of the year
Besides the 'nann, probably...uh...Jessica somebody-or-other.
Biggest disappointment of the year
The majority of America(ns).
Trend I'm most sick of
If you don't agree with something we're doing, the terrorists are winning. Now shut up and eat your pine cone.
Rock star moment of the year
It's got something to with brushing up on check-out time, and being in the World's Largest Strip Club on a Sunday, and a girl named Kelly who smelled like tangerine and was ludicrously soft, and "Don't Cha" was in there, and my friends too. That might be the rock star moment of my life to date just for being so goddamn awesome on so many levels.
Biggest time-suck
My Space. You start seeing if your friends say anything, then you start checking on people from high school, then you find some bands, play some FreeCell--next thing you know that thing in your eyes is the rising sun. It's happened.
Favorite sign of the apocalypse
Probably "Hollaback Girl". You know it's a signal.
Most expensive purchase
Vegas--but it did lead to the most rock star moment, so...
Ambition for 2006
Finishing the novel, the committed relationship (Ms. Ssssssss, come out and play), fiduciary and living freedom, the violent death of hipsters, coastal domination, and, of course, finally getting Jessica Alba's attention
This post is brought to you BAH: "Just A Friend" by THE BIZ~!
As previously evidenced, "Gold Digger" by Kanye West and "Fix You" by Coldplay.
My favorite new toy
It's a tie between My Space and Natalie the cell. Pictures. 500 numbers...*drool*
Favorite word or phrase of 2005
"George Bush doesn't care about black people." KANYEEZY~ I should send a shout-out to the Pimp's Prayer on the Boondocks ("Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch. And guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that she might learn a ho's place. Amen.") and that triplet on My Sweet 16 who was told by one of her dopplegangers her hair was flopping and she wasn't quite looking right who absorbed the comment and then whispered "You're an evil whore." It's all about the delivery. [ADDENDUM: Can't believe I forgot "You're...you're so glib" by the Increasingly Nutty Scientology Cruiser. What an awesome catch-all that phrase is.]
Fill in the blank: George Bush doesn't care about ______.
Anyone not aligned with him/white/rich/old/American
Band you'd most like to see replace their singer on national TV
Hot Hot Heat and My Chemical Romance should trade, straight up.
Tom Cruise: brainwashed, bullying cult freak or all-seeing, all-knowing seventh-level Thetan?
Gotta be the first one. I can't wait for the divorce in 2011 and Katie turning into the new age Tara Reid. Heard it here first, kids!
Saddest celebrity breakup
Kirstie Alley and restraint.
Man crush of the year
Patrick Fitzgerald. But it's more what's he's doin' for a brother than actual looks.
Best sex I've had all year
I think I had some sort of Tantric orgasm during Sin City.
Obsession of the year
Besides the 'nann, probably...uh...Jessica somebody-or-other.
Biggest disappointment of the year
The majority of America(ns).
Trend I'm most sick of
If you don't agree with something we're doing, the terrorists are winning. Now shut up and eat your pine cone.
Rock star moment of the year
It's got something to with brushing up on check-out time, and being in the World's Largest Strip Club on a Sunday, and a girl named Kelly who smelled like tangerine and was ludicrously soft, and "Don't Cha" was in there, and my friends too. That might be the rock star moment of my life to date just for being so goddamn awesome on so many levels.
Biggest time-suck
My Space. You start seeing if your friends say anything, then you start checking on people from high school, then you find some bands, play some FreeCell--next thing you know that thing in your eyes is the rising sun. It's happened.
Favorite sign of the apocalypse
Probably "Hollaback Girl". You know it's a signal.
Most expensive purchase
Vegas--but it did lead to the most rock star moment, so...
Ambition for 2006
Finishing the novel, the committed relationship (Ms. Ssssssss, come out and play), fiduciary and living freedom, the violent death of hipsters, coastal domination, and, of course, finally getting Jessica Alba's attention
This post is brought to you BAH: "Just A Friend" by THE BIZ~!
12/13/05
Two Five, Oh Five
This year?
Fucking strange.
It looks like ugly people writing and playing their own music is the new/old black, so hooray for that. The mashups went from DJ work to literal: Snoop Dogg got together with Justin Timberlake, Kanye West with the lead singer of Maroon 5, and Nas with his dad to do an ambitious hip hop and blues crossover meld. 50 Cent was everywhere, so was Pharrell, and there was the little matter of a bunch of punk's modern-day rock opera creasing the gap and giving guitar a voice again.
This year, 25 songs and about 25 different artists: mostly groups, some soloists breaking free, more than a few collabs, and, of course, the song with the most pertinent question of the year.
Fun times!
In awards held prior to the kickoff of the top 25:
Off-Key Singalong Of The Year went to Fat Joe, for the chorus of "So Much More". Worst Song of the Year is a tie between Cassidy and...Cassidy. Fuck him. Ripped off Hov' and K-Os--I hope he does 15 just for that stupid-ass bitchmade "Hustla Dance" alone. The prestigious Opening Line of the Year award went to Franz Ferdinand's "Do You Want To"--when I woke up tonight, I said I'm gonna make somebody love me, and the Line of the Year award? I think Aaron knew who
MIKE JONES!
who?
MIKE JONES!
was going to get this one--back then, they didn't want me, now I'm hot, they all on me. So true, Mike. So very true. As for Riff, Hook, and Guilty Pleasure? Oh, and Song of the Year alongside Incubus, the Peppers, Nirvana, Coldplay, and Hova? Shuffle up and deal--I mean, let's do this bitch.
YOU GOT A REACTION, DIDN'T YOU (HONORABLE MENTION)
Hot Hot Heat - Middle Of Nowhere
Common - Go
Ludacris - Number One Spot
Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs
T.I. - Bring 'Em Out
Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
Weezer - Beverly Hills
Jimmy Eat World - Futures
GOTTA GOTTA BE DOWN BECAUSE I WANT IT ALL
#25 ¤ Franz Ferdinand ¤ This Fire
With "Do You Want To" '06 eligible and in the honorable mention category, this love song to pogo to kicks off this year's list. You could have it so much better when you're deeply in lust, apparently. (Oh, who'm I kidding? I know that's true.)
#24 ¤ Lloyd Banks feat. Avant ¤ Karma (remix)
Last year Young Buck did a spot better, If Memory Serves Me Correctly. My personal favorite of the 50ettes lyrically comes up with a mellow jam about groupie love--though if there are any groupies that look like K.D. Aubert I need to learn an instrument like now.
#23 ¤ the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret ['06 eligible]
Speaking of songs about groupie love! The AAR prove that the best things in life aren't free, they're the ones with pigtails you've got to creep with behind closed doors to make their best song yet with their typically worm-its-way-into-your-brain choruses. Soon to be coming to a teen drama soundtrack near you.
#22 ¤ T.I. ¤ You Don't Know Me
So, Bring 'Em Out almost makes it (and shows Cassidy how you really should use your lifted Hova hook), and at the end of that video a chorus and some of the first verse played to this. And thus, the club jam King of the South got out of that mold with a head bussa anthem that makes you want to catch somebody in the mouth with a fist. You really want to scrap against an ex-con?
#21 ¤ Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps ['06]
Bill Simmons on Rocky IV: What an awful, ludicrous movie. I loved it. And so the song that drove me crazy at the Vivianbury one night within the week starts to creep in my mind at work...and then starts getting played at the clubs...and then begins to get a rumpatastic video...and it occurs to me--what is this random girl going to do with all this junk? All this junk inside her trunk? And is she seeing anybody? I mean, I've seen Fergie live. She almost had me spending all that money on her and spending time on her. I do sort of miss the old Black Eyed Peas sometimes, but damn lookit all that ass!
#20 ¤ Louis XIV ¤ Finding Out True Love Is Blind
619 repraSENT! And they say unto all the girls on Garnet down to all the girls on Revolucion and the girls on 4th and 5th in between, give us your high heels, your body glitter, your tube tops yearning to breathe free, the regulation hotties of this Pacific shore. Send these girls, buzzed at least, to my door. My personal favorite would be the girl in the front with the tight pants, probably.
#19 ¤ the Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ How We Do
This is one of those songs that grew on me during the course of the year, as another decendent of Dre rides hand claps and talks about the finer things in life: drug slinging, gunning down your enemies, and fucking some bitches. I wouldn't bet against seeing either of these men again on this list, by the way.
#18 ¤ System Of A Down ¤ BYOB
My initial idea of the opening one: My God is a violent one with dormant eels... it turns out it's Barbarisms by Barbaras with pointed heels. See, I had a good line, they had a better one. This year's "American Idiot" works out with schizophrenic tempo changes, a Pee-Wee friendly bridge, and lyrics that really took hold in the latter half of the year. Seems appropriate seeing the sea change in the Democrats between Cindy Sheehan, the Leak, and the 56k Katrina response that my immediate response has been all year in regards to the elections last year And where the fuck are YOU!?
#17 ¤ Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That ['06]
Since I say it every year, what better place to say it than here: that Pharrell kid's going to be somebody someday. You watch. The man behind seemingly every halfway decent non-Dre beat this millennium big ups Miami tourism, ludicrously expensive watches, and Verizon services over a minimal drum beat. I'm sure Gwen's cashed an easier check in her life--I just don't see how.
#16 ¤ Ludacris ¤ Get Back
Maybe I'm the only one, but I sort of think of this as a companion piece to "Stand Up" after the fire marshal shuts things down. The opening clarion call from the Red Light District featured an awesomely surreal Spike Jonze video (do they come any other way?) and sent a clear message: I will fuck you up--the minute I get done with this two-step.
#15 ¤ Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) ['06]
July: What the fuck was that?
August: Is that actually a song?
September: This guy's from DipShit? I hate DipShit!
October: Damn, that's a nice hook.
November: GodDAMN, that's a nice hook.
December: Knocks off "Gold Digger" after 3 months on top, currently #1.
It doesn't win Hook of the Year, but only by so little. It doesn't win Guilty Pleasure of the Year, but only by so little. The moral of the lesson, as usual: you got to keep your ears as open as your mind.
#14 ¤ the Killers ¤ All These Things That I've Done
Sure, everybody loved "Somebody Told Me" and "Mr. Brightside" but this has always been my favorite song of theirs since I heard it last year. (Hilariously, this was the last add to the list because I added the song after I saw them in concert last year, forgetting it wasn't released as a single until this one.) It was the song that turned me around on them, and what a song: if any a year demanded a liberal brother to have soul but not be a soldier, this was the one. Plus, my affection came and went this year more than any other.
GUILTYPLEASUREoftheyear
#13 ¤ Gwen Stefani ¤ Hollaback Girl
You're thinking of it right now, aren't ya? After the Mrs. Rossdale's Wild Ride that was "What You Waiting For?", out came "Rich Girl". And America was instantly doomed. It was Fiddler on the Roof! How much catchier could things get? That boy Pharrell again--he's going to...oh, I used it already. Pwamp. It's very hard to remain masculine and straight when you're in the club singing this at the top of your lungs and doing the two-step stomp. Recycled Queen? A tip of the cap to Toni Basil? Spelling? In 2005?! Gwen got it wrong; this shit wasn't bananas, it was nuts.
RIFFoftheyear
#12 ¤ the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell ['06]
Some of you may say the riff of the year can't come from a piano. Some of you need to make your own fucking lists. You know, the Stripes probably should've gotten on for "Blue Orchid", too, but this throwback to 1937 South from a 2005 Detroit twosome was just too unique, too awesomely double entendred, and too well played on the ivories to ignore. It's cool they actually make the sounds that make us feel right at home, even if no one can expect what sounds are coming next.
#11 ¤ Tori Alamaze/Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes ¤ Don't Cha
By the way, if there'd be such a category as Best Song To Get A Lapdance To, it would've split it with "Oh". Said he of the majorly biased, Kelli-influenced opinion. I still believe someone saw the shirt "Don't you wish you were fucking this instead of the ugly bitch you're with?" and a song was born. I always wondered what happened to Eden's Crush.
Oh, it's about to get fun now.
#10 ¤ Ying Yang Twins ¤ Wait (The Whisper Song)
I still can't believe this aired. I still can't believe this got a video. I really can't believe this didn't win hook of the year. Bush got re-elected weeks before this got out! HOW!? How the hell did this song happen!?
#9 ¤ Mario ¤ Let Me Love You
All right, fine, I'll eat the crow on this one. Yes, it's a perfect R&B song. Yes, the beat is insistent without being annoying. And yes, Mario does the please-baby-baby-please spiel perfectly for that hot girl in every guy's life who's shacking up with a Federline. But if you think I'm forgiving you for that soul-raping remake of "Just A Friend", Judas Priest, son, you've got another thing coming!
#8 ¤ Audioslave ¤ Be Yourself
You've got Chris Cornell. You've got the non-militant part of Rage Against the Machine. And for our opening act this album...we're going to do the exact opposite of how we opened the last album and make you wonder if that new Chili Peppers album got out early. Ironically, by making this song of self-reliance, they proved the hard driving rock that'd put Lexuses in their garages wasn't all that they could do.
#7 ¤ Destiny's Child ¤ Lose My Breath
Drums, please! Ah, we're all going to miss Kelly and what's-her-face by this time next year, so it's only appropriate the girls go out the way they came in: too bootylicious for any guy to really bring the noise. Well, except this guy out in New York. But he barely even spits on the mic anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to snag B any day now. Yep. Any day.
HOOKoftheyear
#6 ¤ Amerie ¤ 1 Thing
In the immortal words of John Fitzgerald Kennedy as he accepted the Presidency of the United States, damn, that shit's funky! Whoever took lil' miss "Why Don't We Just Fall In Love?" and turned her into a hair-sticking-to-forehead worn-out drooling sloppy mess: thank you. Next time, post some video, too.
And here you go--the best 5 songs of the year.
FIVE
The Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ Hate It Or Love It
Peaked at #1 in March
With an assisst to the Reverend, the former allies tell their own version of "Hard Knock Life" with a surprisingly upbeat message at the core of the song. Though I do suggest if Game could barely do a minute of this live before, it's only going to get worse if his career continues to flourish. (And we'll all pretend that Mary J. remake didn't happen.)
FOUR
50 Cent ¤ Disco Inferno
Peaked at #1 in February and March. And again in April. And again in May.
A few songs have done it twice. None of them three times. Simplify, says Thoreau. So it stands to reason in a year that I fell in love with the get-that-backfield-in-motion club banger the pre-eminent name in hip hop would make the ass-shaking anthem of the year, right? And there is that little matter of the real video of the year that you'd probably only be able to catch late night on BET Uncut. SO worth it, though!
THREE
Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris ¤ Lovers And Friends
Peaked at #1 in January and February
I wish I was young again, and it's not just because technology's advancing at an advanced rate, and not just because I've gotten wiser as the time's gone on, and it's not just because there are going to be 3 ESPNs any day now--
--but if I was a younger man, and could get next to a younger woman? This would've been my prom song. And it would've been the best prom song EVER. The Bizarro World "Yeah!", what can you say? Lil' Jon actually like, sings sings, and it's all about love. (Sort of.) That alone would've gotten it on the list. Add Ludacris' usual sterling guess work and Usher's usual crooning, and you have the first half Song of the Year.
But...
...
..
.
SONGS OF THE YEAR
Coldplay ¤ Fix You
Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger
Peaked at #1 from the Fourth Of July to Thanksgiving, combined.
So before this year a song had never debuted at #1 before. Coldplay did. And Kanye took all of two weeks to get there and bump them out. Both came out with inferior opening singles on new albums I'd been waiting for, otherwise there might've been a huge difference. Triple H was boring me to death on a RAW, so I channel flipped and found Coldplay previewing X & Y. I think I came in on the second verse and completely forgot. Everything. What I had been watching, where I was, what day it was (June 6). All I knew is that this was the Coldplay song, even more than "Trouble", "Amsterdam", or '03 favorite "The Scientist". I just kept hearing the hallelujah break and the end over and over in my head.
And then they opened the album with "Speed Of Sound"! Fuckers!
Needless to say, when "Fix You"'s turn came up on the radio, it was game over for the year.
Of course.
She take my money when I'm in neeeeeeed!
What the--Ray Charles?
Yeah, she's a triflin' friend indeed!
How can this be?!
Lord, she a gold digger way over town that digs on me...
And all of a sudden it sounded like someone beating down a door. How right my ear was.
Now I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke niggas...
Maybe it was because I was more into the scene this year. Maybe it's just because Kanye's ludicrously awesome. But as I listened to this poor hapless son of a bitch suffer baby momma drama, it struck a chord in me. Haven't been there. But we've all been there. This just in: I WANT PRENUP, YEAH! (Oh, if only Jessica Simpson's brains matched her chest.) You don't know whether to laugh, comisserate, or just shake your head (how many funny Michael snaps does K-Dub have left?) --and that's before what would've won Closing Line of the Year. Which is only true if they're hotter than you are, girls!
When I kept flip-flopping #2 and #1 based on my mood that second, I knew it was a draw. And there you go.
Maybe I need a playoff.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Hit That" by the Offspring
Fucking strange.
It looks like ugly people writing and playing their own music is the new/old black, so hooray for that. The mashups went from DJ work to literal: Snoop Dogg got together with Justin Timberlake, Kanye West with the lead singer of Maroon 5, and Nas with his dad to do an ambitious hip hop and blues crossover meld. 50 Cent was everywhere, so was Pharrell, and there was the little matter of a bunch of punk's modern-day rock opera creasing the gap and giving guitar a voice again.
This year, 25 songs and about 25 different artists: mostly groups, some soloists breaking free, more than a few collabs, and, of course, the song with the most pertinent question of the year.
Fun times!
In awards held prior to the kickoff of the top 25:
Off-Key Singalong Of The Year went to Fat Joe, for the chorus of "So Much More". Worst Song of the Year is a tie between Cassidy and...Cassidy. Fuck him. Ripped off Hov' and K-Os--I hope he does 15 just for that stupid-ass bitchmade "Hustla Dance" alone. The prestigious Opening Line of the Year award went to Franz Ferdinand's "Do You Want To"--when I woke up tonight, I said I'm gonna make somebody love me, and the Line of the Year award? I think Aaron knew who
MIKE JONES!
who?
MIKE JONES!
was going to get this one--back then, they didn't want me, now I'm hot, they all on me. So true, Mike. So very true. As for Riff, Hook, and Guilty Pleasure? Oh, and Song of the Year alongside Incubus, the Peppers, Nirvana, Coldplay, and Hova? Shuffle up and deal--I mean, let's do this bitch.
YOU GOT A REACTION, DIDN'T YOU (HONORABLE MENTION)
Hot Hot Heat - Middle Of Nowhere
Common - Go
Ludacris - Number One Spot
Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs
T.I. - Bring 'Em Out
Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
Weezer - Beverly Hills
Jimmy Eat World - Futures
GOTTA GOTTA BE DOWN BECAUSE I WANT IT ALL
#25 ¤ Franz Ferdinand ¤ This Fire
With "Do You Want To" '06 eligible and in the honorable mention category, this love song to pogo to kicks off this year's list. You could have it so much better when you're deeply in lust, apparently. (Oh, who'm I kidding? I know that's true.)
#24 ¤ Lloyd Banks feat. Avant ¤ Karma (remix)
Last year Young Buck did a spot better, If Memory Serves Me Correctly. My personal favorite of the 50ettes lyrically comes up with a mellow jam about groupie love--though if there are any groupies that look like K.D. Aubert I need to learn an instrument like now.
#23 ¤ the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret ['06 eligible]
Speaking of songs about groupie love! The AAR prove that the best things in life aren't free, they're the ones with pigtails you've got to creep with behind closed doors to make their best song yet with their typically worm-its-way-into-your-brain choruses. Soon to be coming to a teen drama soundtrack near you.
#22 ¤ T.I. ¤ You Don't Know Me
So, Bring 'Em Out almost makes it (and shows Cassidy how you really should use your lifted Hova hook), and at the end of that video a chorus and some of the first verse played to this. And thus, the club jam King of the South got out of that mold with a head bussa anthem that makes you want to catch somebody in the mouth with a fist. You really want to scrap against an ex-con?
#21 ¤ Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps ['06]
Bill Simmons on Rocky IV: What an awful, ludicrous movie. I loved it. And so the song that drove me crazy at the Vivianbury one night within the week starts to creep in my mind at work...and then starts getting played at the clubs...and then begins to get a rumpatastic video...and it occurs to me--what is this random girl going to do with all this junk? All this junk inside her trunk? And is she seeing anybody? I mean, I've seen Fergie live. She almost had me spending all that money on her and spending time on her. I do sort of miss the old Black Eyed Peas sometimes, but damn lookit all that ass!
#20 ¤ Louis XIV ¤ Finding Out True Love Is Blind
619 repraSENT! And they say unto all the girls on Garnet down to all the girls on Revolucion and the girls on 4th and 5th in between, give us your high heels, your body glitter, your tube tops yearning to breathe free, the regulation hotties of this Pacific shore. Send these girls, buzzed at least, to my door. My personal favorite would be the girl in the front with the tight pants, probably.
#19 ¤ the Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ How We Do
This is one of those songs that grew on me during the course of the year, as another decendent of Dre rides hand claps and talks about the finer things in life: drug slinging, gunning down your enemies, and fucking some bitches. I wouldn't bet against seeing either of these men again on this list, by the way.
#18 ¤ System Of A Down ¤ BYOB
My initial idea of the opening one: My God is a violent one with dormant eels... it turns out it's Barbarisms by Barbaras with pointed heels. See, I had a good line, they had a better one. This year's "American Idiot" works out with schizophrenic tempo changes, a Pee-Wee friendly bridge, and lyrics that really took hold in the latter half of the year. Seems appropriate seeing the sea change in the Democrats between Cindy Sheehan, the Leak, and the 56k Katrina response that my immediate response has been all year in regards to the elections last year And where the fuck are YOU!?
#17 ¤ Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That ['06]
Since I say it every year, what better place to say it than here: that Pharrell kid's going to be somebody someday. You watch. The man behind seemingly every halfway decent non-Dre beat this millennium big ups Miami tourism, ludicrously expensive watches, and Verizon services over a minimal drum beat. I'm sure Gwen's cashed an easier check in her life--I just don't see how.
#16 ¤ Ludacris ¤ Get Back
Maybe I'm the only one, but I sort of think of this as a companion piece to "Stand Up" after the fire marshal shuts things down. The opening clarion call from the Red Light District featured an awesomely surreal Spike Jonze video (do they come any other way?) and sent a clear message: I will fuck you up--the minute I get done with this two-step.
#15 ¤ Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) ['06]
July: What the fuck was that?
August: Is that actually a song?
September: This guy's from DipShit? I hate DipShit!
October: Damn, that's a nice hook.
November: GodDAMN, that's a nice hook.
December: Knocks off "Gold Digger" after 3 months on top, currently #1.
It doesn't win Hook of the Year, but only by so little. It doesn't win Guilty Pleasure of the Year, but only by so little. The moral of the lesson, as usual: you got to keep your ears as open as your mind.
#14 ¤ the Killers ¤ All These Things That I've Done
Sure, everybody loved "Somebody Told Me" and "Mr. Brightside" but this has always been my favorite song of theirs since I heard it last year. (Hilariously, this was the last add to the list because I added the song after I saw them in concert last year, forgetting it wasn't released as a single until this one.) It was the song that turned me around on them, and what a song: if any a year demanded a liberal brother to have soul but not be a soldier, this was the one. Plus, my affection came and went this year more than any other.
GUILTYPLEASUREoftheyear
#13 ¤ Gwen Stefani ¤ Hollaback Girl
You're thinking of it right now, aren't ya? After the Mrs. Rossdale's Wild Ride that was "What You Waiting For?", out came "Rich Girl". And America was instantly doomed. It was Fiddler on the Roof! How much catchier could things get? That boy Pharrell again--he's going to...oh, I used it already. Pwamp. It's very hard to remain masculine and straight when you're in the club singing this at the top of your lungs and doing the two-step stomp. Recycled Queen? A tip of the cap to Toni Basil? Spelling? In 2005?! Gwen got it wrong; this shit wasn't bananas, it was nuts.
RIFFoftheyear
#12 ¤ the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell ['06]
Some of you may say the riff of the year can't come from a piano. Some of you need to make your own fucking lists. You know, the Stripes probably should've gotten on for "Blue Orchid", too, but this throwback to 1937 South from a 2005 Detroit twosome was just too unique, too awesomely double entendred, and too well played on the ivories to ignore. It's cool they actually make the sounds that make us feel right at home, even if no one can expect what sounds are coming next.
#11 ¤ Tori Alamaze/Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes ¤ Don't Cha
By the way, if there'd be such a category as Best Song To Get A Lapdance To, it would've split it with "Oh". Said he of the majorly biased, Kelli-influenced opinion. I still believe someone saw the shirt "Don't you wish you were fucking this instead of the ugly bitch you're with?" and a song was born. I always wondered what happened to Eden's Crush.
Oh, it's about to get fun now.
#10 ¤ Ying Yang Twins ¤ Wait (The Whisper Song)
I still can't believe this aired. I still can't believe this got a video. I really can't believe this didn't win hook of the year. Bush got re-elected weeks before this got out! HOW!? How the hell did this song happen!?
#9 ¤ Mario ¤ Let Me Love You
All right, fine, I'll eat the crow on this one. Yes, it's a perfect R&B song. Yes, the beat is insistent without being annoying. And yes, Mario does the please-baby-baby-please spiel perfectly for that hot girl in every guy's life who's shacking up with a Federline. But if you think I'm forgiving you for that soul-raping remake of "Just A Friend", Judas Priest, son, you've got another thing coming!
#8 ¤ Audioslave ¤ Be Yourself
You've got Chris Cornell. You've got the non-militant part of Rage Against the Machine. And for our opening act this album...we're going to do the exact opposite of how we opened the last album and make you wonder if that new Chili Peppers album got out early. Ironically, by making this song of self-reliance, they proved the hard driving rock that'd put Lexuses in their garages wasn't all that they could do.
#7 ¤ Destiny's Child ¤ Lose My Breath
Drums, please! Ah, we're all going to miss Kelly and what's-her-face by this time next year, so it's only appropriate the girls go out the way they came in: too bootylicious for any guy to really bring the noise. Well, except this guy out in New York. But he barely even spits on the mic anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to snag B any day now. Yep. Any day.
HOOKoftheyear
#6 ¤ Amerie ¤ 1 Thing
In the immortal words of John Fitzgerald Kennedy as he accepted the Presidency of the United States, damn, that shit's funky! Whoever took lil' miss "Why Don't We Just Fall In Love?" and turned her into a hair-sticking-to-forehead worn-out drooling sloppy mess: thank you. Next time, post some video, too.
And here you go--the best 5 songs of the year.
FIVE
The Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ Hate It Or Love It
Peaked at #1 in March
With an assisst to the Reverend, the former allies tell their own version of "Hard Knock Life" with a surprisingly upbeat message at the core of the song. Though I do suggest if Game could barely do a minute of this live before, it's only going to get worse if his career continues to flourish. (And we'll all pretend that Mary J. remake didn't happen.)
FOUR
50 Cent ¤ Disco Inferno
Peaked at #1 in February and March. And again in April. And again in May.
A few songs have done it twice. None of them three times. Simplify, says Thoreau. So it stands to reason in a year that I fell in love with the get-that-backfield-in-motion club banger the pre-eminent name in hip hop would make the ass-shaking anthem of the year, right? And there is that little matter of the real video of the year that you'd probably only be able to catch late night on BET Uncut. SO worth it, though!
THREE
Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris ¤ Lovers And Friends
Peaked at #1 in January and February
I wish I was young again, and it's not just because technology's advancing at an advanced rate, and not just because I've gotten wiser as the time's gone on, and it's not just because there are going to be 3 ESPNs any day now--
--but if I was a younger man, and could get next to a younger woman? This would've been my prom song. And it would've been the best prom song EVER. The Bizarro World "Yeah!", what can you say? Lil' Jon actually like, sings sings, and it's all about love. (Sort of.) That alone would've gotten it on the list. Add Ludacris' usual sterling guess work and Usher's usual crooning, and you have the first half Song of the Year.
But...
...
..
.
SONGS OF THE YEAR
Coldplay ¤ Fix You
Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger
Peaked at #1 from the Fourth Of July to Thanksgiving, combined.
So before this year a song had never debuted at #1 before. Coldplay did. And Kanye took all of two weeks to get there and bump them out. Both came out with inferior opening singles on new albums I'd been waiting for, otherwise there might've been a huge difference. Triple H was boring me to death on a RAW, so I channel flipped and found Coldplay previewing X & Y. I think I came in on the second verse and completely forgot. Everything. What I had been watching, where I was, what day it was (June 6). All I knew is that this was the Coldplay song, even more than "Trouble", "Amsterdam", or '03 favorite "The Scientist". I just kept hearing the hallelujah break and the end over and over in my head.
And then they opened the album with "Speed Of Sound"! Fuckers!
Needless to say, when "Fix You"'s turn came up on the radio, it was game over for the year.
Of course.
She take my money when I'm in neeeeeeed!
What the--Ray Charles?
Yeah, she's a triflin' friend indeed!
How can this be?!
Lord, she a gold digger way over town that digs on me...
And all of a sudden it sounded like someone beating down a door. How right my ear was.
Now I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke niggas...
Maybe it was because I was more into the scene this year. Maybe it's just because Kanye's ludicrously awesome. But as I listened to this poor hapless son of a bitch suffer baby momma drama, it struck a chord in me. Haven't been there. But we've all been there. This just in: I WANT PRENUP, YEAH! (Oh, if only Jessica Simpson's brains matched her chest.) You don't know whether to laugh, comisserate, or just shake your head (how many funny Michael snaps does K-Dub have left?) --and that's before what would've won Closing Line of the Year. Which is only true if they're hotter than you are, girls!
When I kept flip-flopping #2 and #1 based on my mood that second, I knew it was a draw. And there you go.
Maybe I need a playoff.
This post is brought to you BAH: "Hit That" by the Offspring
12/10/05
KWBR
WHEN IT'S OVER:
"Hustler's Ambition" (8)
"Testify" (14)
15) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (debut)
14) My Chemical Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (15)*
13) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks and Young Buck ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (debut)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (9)
11) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (11)
10) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (13)*
09) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (12)*
08) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (10)
07) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (6)
06) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It [remix] (7)*
05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)
04) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (3)
03) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (2)
02) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (4)*
01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (1) [1m]
This post is brought to you BAH: "Public Enemy Number One" by Public Enemy
"Hustler's Ambition" (8)
"Testify" (14)
15) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (debut)
14) My Chemical Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (15)*
13) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks and Young Buck ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (debut)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (9)
11) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (11)
10) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (13)*
09) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (12)*
08) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (10)
07) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (6)
06) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It [remix] (7)*
05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)
04) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (3)
03) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (2)
02) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (4)*
01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (1) [1m]
This post is brought to you BAH: "Public Enemy Number One" by Public Enemy
12/5/05
Rob Sheffield: This Bastard Owes Me Some Cash, No?
It's one of them title-click deals. What do you think of the new name? Better suggestions?
12/4/05
the Dark Horse Gets His Roll On
Sean was kind enough to host a poker night tonight. It has been Entirely Too Goddamned Long since such an event occured; my vice-like memory is telling me the last time was over at Aaron's when I met Sean for the first time was before Halloween. Anyway, with Aaron & Team Steve Big Unit Omar in tow we went into Mission Valley to have the game.
For some reason when Sean gets involved the game is quicker than usual--maybe because people get eliminated but instead don't buy back in. Omar gets bounced off of his buy-in in the first half-hour, and Aaron gets it going against both Sean and his roomate the half hour after that. (I don't blame him for being pissed to the nth: he had pocket fives and the board came up like 3-6-7 by the time the turn happened. Guess who kept 4-5? Guess who else?)
Me?
I'm doing very well. Playing the way I want to, and doubling my money off of a flush (a King to another roomie's Jack) sure helps things out. Aaron gets snarky about me raising pre-flop, but people tended to fold and increase my chances of holding a superior hand. I didn't pre-flop raise anything blow-it-out-your-ass ludicrous but enough to make people define "I'm playing this hand because it's good" vs. "I'm playing this hand because it's not costing me shit".
Another roomate busts out and it's down to three-handed. I'm a little more nervous because usually I play against fuller tables. I know I'm not in the lead, so it's another cause for worry. The blinds double, too. (My idea, but they didn't have to say yes!)
This is when it happens.
I get suited muck, but play it 3-handed. a) I've been playing pretty tight even 3-handed because 2) I've been getting a metric shitload of slop I'd never even touch at a fuller table. (I actually ended up getting quad QUEENS on a hand after it played all the way through--because they folded a pre-flop raise. Queen in the flop, and on the river. BAH!) Flop comes with two more clubs, four to the flush. At this point I'm either barely in second or slightly ahead--I wasn't looking at Sean's chipstack probably because it would've depressed me. From the 80 cent big blind I bump up to $3. It's called by G. I'm a little nervous, but then the turn comes Ac. The mother of all flushes. So what do I do?
Bet another $3.
Then put him all-in on the river. And get called.
Aaron said he was waiting around for me to lose? You might want to wait for the Titanic to make the dock, too, son! Two hours (two hours!) after we'd begun, we split up the pot since Sean and I are the sole survivors. He gets $27. I get $43.
Best.
Poker.
Game.
EVER.
Omar and Aaron, who've been sitting around most of the evening watching me take in cash like a bank, aren't as happy as I am when we're gone. It's not even midnight, so I suggest going over the bridge to Mission Beach and I'll buy them some Cold Stone to distribute the wealth of victory. We get there, but no dice--they close at midnight or eleven or some shit. Even with the game breaking up early we were on the road about quarter to midnight. Fingertips away. Aaron calls Merilynn, who's favorite watering hole is in the vicinity, and as I heard a wise woman say in Swingers "you shouldn't leave without getting something for free". Omar, who's been up the last 20 hours less the catnap in the car on the way, comes along with us.
Aaron can't get to Merilynn via cell, so I do what any person of my impressive stature would do at a moment of crisis like this--I close my eyes, clasp my hands together, and make a facial expression like taking a shit to get her outside.
Within 2 minutes.
Omar will back me up.
Just that fast.
Me = 0wns
It turns out (this will not surprise anyone who's heard me talk about Merilynn in the glowing adjectives I have) that she's friends with the bouncers and whatnot so instead of being lumped in with the hoi polloi we get in the VIP line and roll in in about five minutes paying triple 0, Mr. Dufresne, if you please.
Me = 0wns. Merilynn = 0wns th3m a11
So, it being a popular place on Saturday night a bit after midnight, it's wall-to-wall. It's packed with people dancing and somehow my Spidey sense gets me and Omar through the hustle and bustle to where I dimly remembered seeing Merilynn and her cute friend Rica through the window. So I go back for Aaron, who's been in the bathroom, and I knock over a guy's drink.
It could've been a moment.
But me being me and the roll I'm on tonight, I just buy him a new one. Heineken. I'm dimly familiar with that substance.
Omar, tired and dressed down, plays the wall. Aaron...plays the wall. I do a little light dancing and am encouraged to hear both "There It Go" and "Gold Digger". But we're only in an hour before we get Last Called out. WTF? 1:15 is last call in this joint? That'll drop it a letter grade. Cute girls, though. I was trying to hook one up with Aaron, but no dice. Hey, I got my own problems to fry on that front. 99 problems, you know the rest. Made some friends--surprise. Merilynn & Rica had gotten started way before us and ducked out while I was doing the footwork. But I do owe them.
Omar & I swear to chase bitches together in the future. I think it'll be a real team bonding experience. And if Aaron's good, we'll let him get some of our ricochet action.
Since the Giants/Cowboys and Steelers/Bengals games are on early and Clerks is about to do my scene, time to get the seven hours of beauty sleep and...ugh...prepare for work.
See, into every life a little rain must fall...
This post is brought to you BAH: "Walk Of Life" by Dire Straits
For some reason when Sean gets involved the game is quicker than usual--maybe because people get eliminated but instead don't buy back in. Omar gets bounced off of his buy-in in the first half-hour, and Aaron gets it going against both Sean and his roomate the half hour after that. (I don't blame him for being pissed to the nth: he had pocket fives and the board came up like 3-6-7 by the time the turn happened. Guess who kept 4-5? Guess who else?)
Me?
I'm doing very well. Playing the way I want to, and doubling my money off of a flush (a King to another roomie's Jack) sure helps things out. Aaron gets snarky about me raising pre-flop, but people tended to fold and increase my chances of holding a superior hand. I didn't pre-flop raise anything blow-it-out-your-ass ludicrous but enough to make people define "I'm playing this hand because it's good" vs. "I'm playing this hand because it's not costing me shit".
Another roomate busts out and it's down to three-handed. I'm a little more nervous because usually I play against fuller tables. I know I'm not in the lead, so it's another cause for worry. The blinds double, too. (My idea, but they didn't have to say yes!)
This is when it happens.
I get suited muck, but play it 3-handed. a) I've been playing pretty tight even 3-handed because 2) I've been getting a metric shitload of slop I'd never even touch at a fuller table. (I actually ended up getting quad QUEENS on a hand after it played all the way through--because they folded a pre-flop raise. Queen in the flop, and on the river. BAH!) Flop comes with two more clubs, four to the flush. At this point I'm either barely in second or slightly ahead--I wasn't looking at Sean's chipstack probably because it would've depressed me. From the 80 cent big blind I bump up to $3. It's called by G. I'm a little nervous, but then the turn comes Ac. The mother of all flushes. So what do I do?
Bet another $3.
Then put him all-in on the river. And get called.
Aaron said he was waiting around for me to lose? You might want to wait for the Titanic to make the dock, too, son! Two hours (two hours!) after we'd begun, we split up the pot since Sean and I are the sole survivors. He gets $27. I get $43.
Best.
Poker.
Game.
EVER.
Omar and Aaron, who've been sitting around most of the evening watching me take in cash like a bank, aren't as happy as I am when we're gone. It's not even midnight, so I suggest going over the bridge to Mission Beach and I'll buy them some Cold Stone to distribute the wealth of victory. We get there, but no dice--they close at midnight or eleven or some shit. Even with the game breaking up early we were on the road about quarter to midnight. Fingertips away. Aaron calls Merilynn, who's favorite watering hole is in the vicinity, and as I heard a wise woman say in Swingers "you shouldn't leave without getting something for free". Omar, who's been up the last 20 hours less the catnap in the car on the way, comes along with us.
Aaron can't get to Merilynn via cell, so I do what any person of my impressive stature would do at a moment of crisis like this--I close my eyes, clasp my hands together, and make a facial expression like taking a shit to get her outside.
Within 2 minutes.
Omar will back me up.
Just that fast.
Me = 0wns
It turns out (this will not surprise anyone who's heard me talk about Merilynn in the glowing adjectives I have) that she's friends with the bouncers and whatnot so instead of being lumped in with the hoi polloi we get in the VIP line and roll in in about five minutes paying triple 0, Mr. Dufresne, if you please.
Me = 0wns. Merilynn = 0wns th3m a11
So, it being a popular place on Saturday night a bit after midnight, it's wall-to-wall. It's packed with people dancing and somehow my Spidey sense gets me and Omar through the hustle and bustle to where I dimly remembered seeing Merilynn and her cute friend Rica through the window. So I go back for Aaron, who's been in the bathroom, and I knock over a guy's drink.
It could've been a moment.
But me being me and the roll I'm on tonight, I just buy him a new one. Heineken. I'm dimly familiar with that substance.
Omar, tired and dressed down, plays the wall. Aaron...plays the wall. I do a little light dancing and am encouraged to hear both "There It Go" and "Gold Digger". But we're only in an hour before we get Last Called out. WTF? 1:15 is last call in this joint? That'll drop it a letter grade. Cute girls, though. I was trying to hook one up with Aaron, but no dice. Hey, I got my own problems to fry on that front. 99 problems, you know the rest. Made some friends--surprise. Merilynn & Rica had gotten started way before us and ducked out while I was doing the footwork. But I do owe them.
Omar & I swear to chase bitches together in the future. I think it'll be a real team bonding experience. And if Aaron's good, we'll let him get some of our ricochet action.
Since the Giants/Cowboys and Steelers/Bengals games are on early and Clerks is about to do my scene, time to get the seven hours of beauty sleep and...ugh...prepare for work.
See, into every life a little rain must fall...
This post is brought to you BAH: "Walk Of Life" by Dire Straits
12/2/05
AvB: Friday Barometer
ALBA: Three completely different songs that are awesome in their own ways: Franz Ferdinand's "The Fallen", the G-Unit song headed by Yayo "I Know You Don't Love Me"...and Mariah Carey's "Get Your Number". Shut up.
BUSH: So hungry.
ALBA: Dad's cooking, which means it's an early bird dinner before I go coach Team Steve to victory again tonight--chicken, salad, potato. Awright.
ALBA: The New York & Company posters featuring Eva Longoria. If someone could pilfer me one or four of them for Festivus I'd be quite the grateful sideshow freak.
ALBA: I've got my top 25 songs of the year--just wondering when I should post the list.
BUSH: Ms. S is vacationing in Miami this weekend.
ALBA: So I'll try to take her out next weekend. Persistence in all things. Unless they're really hard.
ALBA: I'm about ready to start writing again. Sick and depressed as I was the past few weeks, the clouds've really cleared.
BUSH: They canceled Reunion! I was halfway watching that! And the Curse of Amanda Righetti sadly continues...
ALBA: I found Candyman's "Knockin' Boots". How did I ever live without the Internet!?
ALBA: Oprah on Letterman last night. I'm not a huge Oprah fan or anything, but it was clearly important to Dave to get her back in the chair after almost 17 years and it showed in a really good, insightful interview--of course, this country is overrun with mouthbreathers and it probably got ½ of Leno's ratings. But that's why I'm filled with such vitriolic rage bordering on psychosis! It makes for such entertaining blogs! And would you love me any other way?
BUSH: I still don't know what I'm doing for New Year's. I pray I don't have to work, or at least too late.
BUSH: I'm a little behind on the shopping. Next week's payday, though, so I'll begin rectifying it there.
ALBA: I'm way too excited for next month: Scrubs comes back, and so does 24! Seriously, in '08 I'm writing in a Palmer/Bauer ticket. Terrorists will long for the glory days of Abu Ghreib with that combo.
BUSH: Holy shit, there's a cop chopper moving past the complex with somebody barking out something or other over a loudspeaker. I might could be on the news! Oh, don't let this guy be black don't let this guy be black...ah, fuck.
ALBA: Pardon the Interruption!
This post is brought to you BAH: "Grindin'" by the Clipse
BUSH: So hungry.
ALBA: Dad's cooking, which means it's an early bird dinner before I go coach Team Steve to victory again tonight--chicken, salad, potato. Awright.
ALBA: The New York & Company posters featuring Eva Longoria. If someone could pilfer me one or four of them for Festivus I'd be quite the grateful sideshow freak.
ALBA: I've got my top 25 songs of the year--just wondering when I should post the list.
BUSH: Ms. S is vacationing in Miami this weekend.
ALBA: So I'll try to take her out next weekend. Persistence in all things. Unless they're really hard.
ALBA: I'm about ready to start writing again. Sick and depressed as I was the past few weeks, the clouds've really cleared.
BUSH: They canceled Reunion! I was halfway watching that! And the Curse of Amanda Righetti sadly continues...
ALBA: I found Candyman's "Knockin' Boots". How did I ever live without the Internet!?
ALBA: Oprah on Letterman last night. I'm not a huge Oprah fan or anything, but it was clearly important to Dave to get her back in the chair after almost 17 years and it showed in a really good, insightful interview--of course, this country is overrun with mouthbreathers and it probably got ½ of Leno's ratings. But that's why I'm filled with such vitriolic rage bordering on psychosis! It makes for such entertaining blogs! And would you love me any other way?
BUSH: I still don't know what I'm doing for New Year's. I pray I don't have to work, or at least too late.
BUSH: I'm a little behind on the shopping. Next week's payday, though, so I'll begin rectifying it there.
ALBA: I'm way too excited for next month: Scrubs comes back, and so does 24! Seriously, in '08 I'm writing in a Palmer/Bauer ticket. Terrorists will long for the glory days of Abu Ghreib with that combo.
BUSH: Holy shit, there's a cop chopper moving past the complex with somebody barking out something or other over a loudspeaker. I might could be on the news! Oh, don't let this guy be black don't let this guy be black...ah, fuck.
ALBA: Pardon the Interruption!
This post is brought to you BAH: "Grindin'" by the Clipse
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)