Two Five, Oh Five

This year?

Fucking strange.

It looks like ugly people writing and playing their own music is the new/old black, so hooray for that. The mashups went from DJ work to literal: Snoop Dogg got together with Justin Timberlake, Kanye West with the lead singer of Maroon 5, and Nas with his dad to do an ambitious hip hop and blues crossover meld. 50 Cent was everywhere, so was Pharrell, and there was the little matter of a bunch of punk's modern-day rock opera creasing the gap and giving guitar a voice again.

This year, 25 songs and about 25 different artists: mostly groups, some soloists breaking free, more than a few collabs, and, of course, the song with the most pertinent question of the year.

Fun times!

In awards held prior to the kickoff of the top 25:

Off-Key Singalong Of The Year went to Fat Joe, for the chorus of "So Much More". Worst Song of the Year is a tie between Cassidy and...Cassidy. Fuck him. Ripped off Hov' and K-Os--I hope he does 15 just for that stupid-ass bitchmade "Hustla Dance" alone. The prestigious Opening Line of the Year award went to Franz Ferdinand's "Do You Want To"--when I woke up tonight, I said I'm gonna make somebody love me, and the Line of the Year award? I think Aaron knew who

MIKE JONES!

who?

MIKE JONES!

was going to get this one--back then, they didn't want me, now I'm hot, they all on me. So true, Mike. So very true. As for Riff, Hook, and Guilty Pleasure? Oh, and Song of the Year alongside Incubus, the Peppers, Nirvana, Coldplay, and Hova? Shuffle up and deal--I mean, let's do this bitch.

YOU GOT A REACTION, DIDN'T YOU (HONORABLE MENTION)
Hot Hot Heat - Middle Of Nowhere
Common - Go
Ludacris - Number One Spot
Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs
T.I. - Bring 'Em Out
Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
Weezer - Beverly Hills
Jimmy Eat World - Futures

GOTTA GOTTA BE DOWN BECAUSE I WANT IT ALL
#25 ¤ Franz Ferdinand ¤ This Fire
With "Do You Want To" '06 eligible and in the honorable mention category, this love song to pogo to kicks off this year's list. You could have it so much better when you're deeply in lust, apparently. (Oh, who'm I kidding? I know that's true.)

#24 ¤ Lloyd Banks feat. Avant ¤ Karma (remix)
Last year Young Buck did a spot better, If Memory Serves Me Correctly. My personal favorite of the 50ettes lyrically comes up with a mellow jam about groupie love--though if there are any groupies that look like K.D. Aubert I need to learn an instrument like now.

#23 ¤ the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret ['06 eligible]
Speaking of songs about groupie love! The AAR prove that the best things in life aren't free, they're the ones with pigtails you've got to creep with behind closed doors to make their best song yet with their typically worm-its-way-into-your-brain choruses. Soon to be coming to a teen drama soundtrack near you.

#22 ¤ T.I. ¤ You Don't Know Me
So, Bring 'Em Out almost makes it (and shows Cassidy how you really should use your lifted Hova hook), and at the end of that video a chorus and some of the first verse played to this. And thus, the club jam King of the South got out of that mold with a head bussa anthem that makes you want to catch somebody in the mouth with a fist. You really want to scrap against an ex-con?

#21 ¤ Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps ['06]
Bill Simmons on Rocky IV: What an awful, ludicrous movie. I loved it. And so the song that drove me crazy at the Vivianbury one night within the week starts to creep in my mind at work...and then starts getting played at the clubs...and then begins to get a rumpatastic video...and it occurs to me--what is this random girl going to do with all this junk? All this junk inside her trunk? And is she seeing anybody? I mean, I've seen Fergie live. She almost had me spending all that money on her and spending time on her. I do sort of miss the old Black Eyed Peas sometimes, but damn lookit all that ass!

#20 ¤ Louis XIV ¤ Finding Out True Love Is Blind
619 repraSENT! And they say unto all the girls on Garnet down to all the girls on Revolucion and the girls on 4th and 5th in between, give us your high heels, your body glitter, your tube tops yearning to breathe free, the regulation hotties of this Pacific shore. Send these girls, buzzed at least, to my door. My personal favorite would be the girl in the front with the tight pants, probably.

#19 ¤ the Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ How We Do
This is one of those songs that grew on me during the course of the year, as another decendent of Dre rides hand claps and talks about the finer things in life: drug slinging, gunning down your enemies, and fucking some bitches. I wouldn't bet against seeing either of these men again on this list, by the way.

#18 ¤ System Of A Down ¤ BYOB
My initial idea of the opening one: My God is a violent one with dormant eels... it turns out it's Barbarisms by Barbaras with pointed heels. See, I had a good line, they had a better one. This year's "American Idiot" works out with schizophrenic tempo changes, a Pee-Wee friendly bridge, and lyrics that really took hold in the latter half of the year. Seems appropriate seeing the sea change in the Democrats between Cindy Sheehan, the Leak, and the 56k Katrina response that my immediate response has been all year in regards to the elections last year And where the fuck are YOU!?

#17 ¤ Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That ['06]
Since I say it every year, what better place to say it than here: that Pharrell kid's going to be somebody someday. You watch. The man behind seemingly every halfway decent non-Dre beat this millennium big ups Miami tourism, ludicrously expensive watches, and Verizon services over a minimal drum beat. I'm sure Gwen's cashed an easier check in her life--I just don't see how.

#16 ¤ Ludacris ¤ Get Back
Maybe I'm the only one, but I sort of think of this as a companion piece to "Stand Up" after the fire marshal shuts things down. The opening clarion call from the Red Light District featured an awesomely surreal Spike Jonze video (do they come any other way?) and sent a clear message: I will fuck you up--the minute I get done with this two-step.

#15 ¤ Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) ['06]
July: What the fuck was that?
August: Is that actually a song?
September: This guy's from DipShit? I hate DipShit!
October: Damn, that's a nice hook.
November: GodDAMN, that's a nice hook.
December: Knocks off "Gold Digger" after 3 months on top, currently #1.

It doesn't win Hook of the Year, but only by so little. It doesn't win Guilty Pleasure of the Year, but only by so little. The moral of the lesson, as usual: you got to keep your ears as open as your mind.

#14 ¤ the Killers ¤ All These Things That I've Done
Sure, everybody loved "Somebody Told Me" and "Mr. Brightside" but this has always been my favorite song of theirs since I heard it last year. (Hilariously, this was the last add to the list because I added the song after I saw them in concert last year, forgetting it wasn't released as a single until this one.) It was the song that turned me around on them, and what a song: if any a year demanded a liberal brother to have soul but not be a soldier, this was the one. Plus, my affection came and went this year more than any other.

GUILTYPLEASUREoftheyear
#13 ¤ Gwen Stefani ¤ Hollaback Girl
You're thinking of it right now, aren't ya? After the Mrs. Rossdale's Wild Ride that was "What You Waiting For?", out came "Rich Girl". And America was instantly doomed. It was Fiddler on the Roof! How much catchier could things get? That boy Pharrell again--he's going to...oh, I used it already. Pwamp. It's very hard to remain masculine and straight when you're in the club singing this at the top of your lungs and doing the two-step stomp. Recycled Queen? A tip of the cap to Toni Basil? Spelling? In 2005?! Gwen got it wrong; this shit wasn't bananas, it was nuts.

RIFFoftheyear
#12 ¤ the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell ['06]
Some of you may say the riff of the year can't come from a piano. Some of you need to make your own fucking lists. You know, the Stripes probably should've gotten on for "Blue Orchid", too, but this throwback to 1937 South from a 2005 Detroit twosome was just too unique, too awesomely double entendred, and too well played on the ivories to ignore. It's cool they actually make the sounds that make us feel right at home, even if no one can expect what sounds are coming next.

#11 ¤ Tori Alamaze/Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes ¤ Don't Cha
By the way, if there'd be such a category as Best Song To Get A Lapdance To, it would've split it with "Oh". Said he of the majorly biased, Kelli-influenced opinion. I still believe someone saw the shirt "Don't you wish you were fucking this instead of the ugly bitch you're with?" and a song was born. I always wondered what happened to Eden's Crush.

Oh, it's about to get fun now.

#10 ¤ Ying Yang Twins ¤ Wait (The Whisper Song)
I still can't believe this aired. I still can't believe this got a video. I really can't believe this didn't win hook of the year. Bush got re-elected weeks before this got out! HOW!? How the hell did this song happen!?

#9 ¤ Mario ¤ Let Me Love You
All right, fine, I'll eat the crow on this one. Yes, it's a perfect R&B song. Yes, the beat is insistent without being annoying. And yes, Mario does the please-baby-baby-please spiel perfectly for that hot girl in every guy's life who's shacking up with a Federline. But if you think I'm forgiving you for that soul-raping remake of "Just A Friend", Judas Priest, son, you've got another thing coming!

#8 ¤ Audioslave ¤ Be Yourself
You've got Chris Cornell. You've got the non-militant part of Rage Against the Machine. And for our opening act this album...we're going to do the exact opposite of how we opened the last album and make you wonder if that new Chili Peppers album got out early. Ironically, by making this song of self-reliance, they proved the hard driving rock that'd put Lexuses in their garages wasn't all that they could do.

#7 ¤ Destiny's Child ¤ Lose My Breath
Drums, please! Ah, we're all going to miss Kelly and what's-her-face by this time next year, so it's only appropriate the girls go out the way they came in: too bootylicious for any guy to really bring the noise. Well, except this guy out in New York. But he barely even spits on the mic anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to snag B any day now. Yep. Any day.

HOOKoftheyear
#6 ¤ Amerie ¤ 1 Thing
In the immortal words of John Fitzgerald Kennedy as he accepted the Presidency of the United States, damn, that shit's funky! Whoever took lil' miss "Why Don't We Just Fall In Love?" and turned her into a hair-sticking-to-forehead worn-out drooling sloppy mess: thank you. Next time, post some video, too.

And here you go--the best 5 songs of the year.

FIVE
The Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ Hate It Or Love It
Peaked at #1 in March
With an assisst to the Reverend, the former allies tell their own version of "Hard Knock Life" with a surprisingly upbeat message at the core of the song. Though I do suggest if Game could barely do a minute of this live before, it's only going to get worse if his career continues to flourish. (And we'll all pretend that Mary J. remake didn't happen.)

FOUR
50 Cent ¤ Disco Inferno
Peaked at #1 in February and March. And again in April. And again in May.
A few songs have done it twice. None of them three times. Simplify, says Thoreau. So it stands to reason in a year that I fell in love with the get-that-backfield-in-motion club banger the pre-eminent name in hip hop would make the ass-shaking anthem of the year, right? And there is that little matter of the real video of the year that you'd probably only be able to catch late night on BET Uncut. SO worth it, though!

THREE
Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris ¤ Lovers And Friends
Peaked at #1 in January and February
I wish I was young again, and it's not just because technology's advancing at an advanced rate, and not just because I've gotten wiser as the time's gone on, and it's not just because there are going to be 3 ESPNs any day now--

--but if I was a younger man, and could get next to a younger woman? This would've been my prom song. And it would've been the best prom song EVER. The Bizarro World "Yeah!", what can you say? Lil' Jon actually like, sings sings, and it's all about love. (Sort of.) That alone would've gotten it on the list. Add Ludacris' usual sterling guess work and Usher's usual crooning, and you have the first half Song of the Year.

But...

...

..

.

SONGS OF THE YEAR
Coldplay ¤ Fix You
Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger
Peaked at #1 from the Fourth Of July to Thanksgiving, combined.

So before this year a song had never debuted at #1 before. Coldplay did. And Kanye took all of two weeks to get there and bump them out. Both came out with inferior opening singles on new albums I'd been waiting for, otherwise there might've been a huge difference. Triple H was boring me to death on a RAW, so I channel flipped and found Coldplay previewing X & Y. I think I came in on the second verse and completely forgot. Everything. What I had been watching, where I was, what day it was (June 6). All I knew is that this was the Coldplay song, even more than "Trouble", "Amsterdam", or '03 favorite "The Scientist". I just kept hearing the hallelujah break and the end over and over in my head.

And then they opened the album with "Speed Of Sound"! Fuckers!

Needless to say, when "Fix You"'s turn came up on the radio, it was game over for the year.

Of course.

She take my money when I'm in neeeeeeed!

What the--Ray Charles?

Yeah, she's a triflin' friend indeed!

How can this be?!

Lord, she a gold digger way over town that digs on me...

And all of a sudden it sounded like someone beating down a door. How right my ear was.

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke niggas...

Maybe it was because I was more into the scene this year. Maybe it's just because Kanye's ludicrously awesome. But as I listened to this poor hapless son of a bitch suffer baby momma drama, it struck a chord in me. Haven't been there. But we've all been there. This just in: I WANT PRENUP, YEAH! (Oh, if only Jessica Simpson's brains matched her chest.) You don't know whether to laugh, comisserate, or just shake your head (how many funny Michael snaps does K-Dub have left?) --and that's before what would've won Closing Line of the Year. Which is only true if they're hotter than you are, girls!

When I kept flip-flopping #2 and #1 based on my mood that second, I knew it was a draw. And there you go.

Maybe I need a playoff.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Hit That" by the Offspring