the Biggest Con of Them All & the Man With A Satisfied Mind

I told y'all today would be boring in comparison.

Irulan & Alton said goodbye.   Jennifer Tilly walked right by me--this time I was smart enough to follow and get shots.  See, that's the big thing about me.  I don't dodge guilt.  And I don't Jew out of comeuppance.

Now let me read my second program (Iyari's not catching me "cheating" on her next year):

To Butch:
 
There's your name.
 
Michael Madsen.
 
P.S.  You SUCK, Michael Dupin.
 
All right, I made up the P.S. but everything else is truth.com.  And with that, the Pandora's Box closes for another year.  Time for a week of putting my feet up and learning how to fucking kick in NCAA '05.  But if these passings and fleeting meetings have taught me anything, it's this:

Michael Keith Dupin = loser.

Ambient music: the Strokes' "Reptilia"

Biggest Con of th3m All

To answer the big question: no Alba.  She was mechalate.

So to the rest of it, and I'll try to go in order so as not to vex my brain much.

• Bought my friend Amanda her birthday gifts.  It's about as much fun as she'll be able to have without two double-A batteries whoo hoo hoo SNAP.  Seriously, I got her a couple nice rarities and hopefully Mouse Ears doesn't get her for it.
• For myself I got a Sopranos-parody Simpons poster for four bucks.  I got a couple other things too, but I'll decide which one I'm keeping and what I'm not.
• Allison Mack?  LUDICROUSLY hotter in person.  Damn you, Smallville.  Get this woman a Maxim shoot, STAT.
• Ran into three friends I hadn't seen since I can't even remember when in about the course of an hour.  Found out another one's in town.  Diane's in trouble.  Straight.  How dare she come back from Italy without dialing her #1 lover man in her postal district.
• And now, a moment at work that can only happen at Comic-Con:

Me: [looks at people]

Me: [looks at pretty girl for a second]

Outside: [looks nice]

Me: [looks outside]

Escalator: [ejects temporarily lost John Landis]

Me: HOLY FREAKIN SHNIT!

And his wife goes, "That's not a nice thing to say," but then I explain a)No, I kept my work on and didn't actually curse, and, oh, yes,  the man directed The Blues Brothers, American Werewolf In London, Trading Places, Coming To America and a little flick called ANIMAL HOUSE so it was meant as a sign of respect above all else.  So I help them, and get his Hancock. 

Me: (sotto voice) Holy fucking shit.

• After getting most of the Buffy midcard yesterday, I came back for Iyari Limon, who played Kennedy in Season 7.  Willow's girl.  Met her last year during my break and she was cool folk who smelled like tangerines.  Not only that, but it gave me a GREAT thing to lord over Dupin.   So I figured, I got everybody else yesterday and Danny again, why not her?  Go over on my lunch break, and Robia (Mrs. Calendar) recognizes me and waves.  I don't need 50 to tell me I'm a motherfucking P.I.M.P.  Did I mention http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/tshirt.php?sku=a318 that's the shirt I'm wearing underneath my work gear?  So, after the part where she recognizes me and remembers from last year and signs this year's program, I go for the picture and do the Superman reveal.  "Now's the surprise," I say.   So I pop it open and everyone in line cracks up, so she leans over (I'm on her right) to see it and cracks up.    And then she touched me right below the bow.  (That SOUNDS dirty but see the picture)  So we're both pointing to the tag and the girl who helped me went "Oh, no, I pushed it twice."  Me: Oh, no.  Twice.  How terrible.  Iyari also very impressed with the digicam.  In short, I don't know what you heard about me. 
• Also, in a sidenote to a Mr. Dupin...hold on, let me turn on my Winamp...hey, Kurt Angle's entrance theme!  Well, what the hey. YOU SUCK!  YOU SUCK!  YOU SUCK!  YOU SUCK!  And yes, I am sticking my tongue out at you.  Last year, hugging.  This year, groping.  Next year I best brings some Gatorade.   On the other hand, I will be sending you a Christmas card this year.  LOSER!
• Best costume of the night: the guy cross-dressing like Marge Simpson
• Irulan & Alton from the Real World: good folks.

So that was today.  Tomorrow's Kids Day and outside of Joss Whedon and Jennifer Tilly there's not much for me to get psyched up for outside the possibility Madsen MIGHT show.  And then, after that, a week off, quality time with old friends, and of course the Butch-eye view from CC04 so the pics can hit the web.

Be there.  Aloha.

Ambient music: Linkin Park's "Faint"

Pocket 10

(10) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out (2)
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)*
(08) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue (6)
(07) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (10)*
(06) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love (7)

(05) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (3)
(04) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (8)*

(03) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (4)*

(02) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (5)*

(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1) [2m]

Ambient music: Joan Jett & the Blackhearts covering the Mary Tyler Moore theme

Biggest Con of Them All (reprise)

Well, that bitch Meg Hart's scrambled my head for the time being so a lot of the wacky joy's gone.

No Duckshoot at all.  Didn't even SEE her this year.  Pwamp.  No Biel, either.  And Madsen Jewed out of comeuppance autograph-wise, and Iyari Limon won't be around until tomorrow.

On the other hand, I got a bunch of Buffy midcarders' autographs all over my work itinerary of the day just like last year: Adam, two-thirds of the Trio (Danny Strong remembers me from last year and I owe him a beer if I see him on the outside), and a couple others.

Special note to Michael Keith Dupin: Ms. Calendar is not only hotter in person, she's gotten hotter since the show got off the air.  In additon AAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHA YOU SUCK.

Pictures of these events will also be coming next week, hopes this humble scribe.  All of them were quite amazed at the digital camera's tiny goodness, which made me feel synchronously very damn cool and very damn UNcool. 

Tomorrow, SMG's in the building.  Trishelle possibly giving away lap dances.  Iyari & Madsen.  Matt Groening.  And, of course, Nick Van Exel's twin sister. 

Seriously, I will kill that bitch. 

Ambient music: Love & Rockets' "So Alive"

the Biggest Con of Them All

What's about 85,000 deep, running over with freaks, eight blocks long, three floors deep, and ready to get down all night long?

You guessed it--the line behind Paris Hilton.  ha ha ha SNAP.

Nope, it's the annual Comic Con.  Every July we host the digerati and let the freak flag fly over head as the normally staid and boring SDCC gets overrun with hobbitses, wizards, artisians, and every so often, a girl or two.  (Most thought lyrics during the day: All you Trekkies and TV addicts/don't mean to diss don't mean to bring static/all you Klingons living in your grandma's house/grab your backstreet friend and get loud)

People who read the-then ASCTR at this time last year know it is my favorite convention to come by during the course of a year.  I'd rather be continually amused than drifting off to Byzantium and at the most boring times, you can watch the Storm Troopers or Ghostbusters getting interviewed by a local female news anchor whose off-camera face clearly says "I obviously need to work on giving better head."

During more intensive moments, you're too busy to worry about how slow time is going, and sometimes you even manage to get a little flirt on.

And, every so often, you get to see, meet, get an autograph from, and a picture with Kitana Baker.  So that was a fun highlight today.  Worked a little overtime, which I'm fine with because I'm off next week.  But, c'mon, how often do you get a Playmate just walking up to your door at work?  Got to looooooooove the ComicCon.  Kinda sad I missed "Bubba Ho-Tep" in a community environment, though.

Tomorrow on the Heath Ledger, Keanu Reeves is showing up.  In news that matters to ME and ergo you, Iyari Limon's coming back, Michael "Thanks, I Can Never Listen To Stealers Wheel Again" Madsen's due to pop in, Jessica Biel, and what I am sure to be a sign of reciprocation after getting royally assfucked on this front a year ago, ELIZA DUSHKU.

Have I mentioned Jessica Alba's coming Saturday?  Once or twice?  HM?  'Cause she is.

I'm so tempted to hang around after my shift ends tomorrow night and see if I see any Harley Quinns or Frodos dancing in the clubs...

Ambient music: Weezer's "Say It Ain't So"

The Ridicuously Large ID Card

LAYER ONE:
Name: Butch
Birth date: 9 February 1979
Birth place: Pittsburgh
Current location: North Tijuana
Eye color: brown
Hair color: black
Height: almost 5'8".  At least that's what it was the last time I checked.
Righty or lefty: SINISTER~!
Zodiac sign: Aquarium

LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: pigmentally advantaged-American
Your weakness: Swiss Cake rolls, peanut butter cups, hot brunettes
Your fears: heights, dying alone, needles
Your perfect pizza: deep dish, covered in pepperonis and mushrooms, and partially in Jessica Alba's mouth
Goals you'd like to achieve: author, filthy stinking rich, the boring-ass cliched American Dream.  But with a pet snake.

LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on IM: [angry face emoticon]
Your first thoughts waking up: Bah.
Your best physical feature: If anyone who's seen me can answer this for me in the comments...
Your most missed memory: The few times I had fun in high school that mostly got eaten alive by the Prom Incident

LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi on this side of the border
McDonalds or Burger King: PANDA EXPRESS.  That orange chicken is laced with nicotine or something...
Single or group dates: Single.  Prefer the man-to-man D.
Adidas or Nike: Nike, with the exception of Chuck Taylor.  And I guess my Phat Farms.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Iced tea can lick my hairy beanbag.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
Cappucino or Hot Coffee: no.

LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nah
Cuss: like a motherfucker
Sing: a lot
Take a shower everyday: Yeah.  Off days I plan to sit on my ass I half-ass it, but it still counts dammit!
Do you think you've ever been in love: I know I have.
Want to go to college: I almost want to finish
Like high school: I could count the good times on one hand.  Possibly deformed, too. 
Want to get married: I am flipping and flopping on this issue.  Right now...sure, what the hell.
Believe in yourself: When the booze is working, am I right or amIright?!
Get motion sickness: Not I
Think you're attractive: Not really.
Think you're a health freak: I'm sorry, I was busy drowning this steak in A1.  What?
Get along with your parents: Generally.  But then again I avoid them a lot.
Like thunderstorms: I wouldn't say I like them.  They amuse me.
Play an instrument: I should've learned to play the geetar.  I should've learned to play them drums.

LAYER SIX:
In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: lemme hear a "Hell, yeah!"
Done a drug: Nope
Made out: No
Gone on a date: No.  Met some cool girls in the course of being a semi-barfly, though.  And there's the whole shadow of my ex and whatnot.  But that's another story for another time.
Gone to the mall: Yeah.  And I feared and respected the escalator.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No.  Someday.
Eaten sushi: Nope.
Been on stage: Negatory
Gone skating: NO.
Made homemade cookies: Pffffft.
Gone skinny dipping: No.  I can barely DIP, I don't need to push my luck in that department.
Dyed your hair: Nuh-uh
Stolen anything: I was out of some places like I stole something heh heh heh.   I don't have to fucking impress you.

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
If so, was it mixed company: Yeah
Been trashed or completely intoxicated: A bunch of times!
Been caught "doing something": I refuse to answer this question until the judges define "something"
Been called a tease: No.  And attractive women, I'm a borderline slut.
Gotten beaten up: Not for a few years.
Shoplifted: No
Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no.  People changed to fit in around ME.

LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Got me.  Just don't want to be The Old Guy in the Club, as Rock would say.
Numbers and names of children: Hey, here's an idea--instead of pressing me for family shit, how about you hook me up with a good woman?  All you do is sit there and ask me questions, and what do I get in return?  JACK!  That's what I get.  You lazy shiftless bastard, if you were real I'd kick your ass for being a clownshoe.
How do you want to die: I don't.
What do you most want to be when you grow up: A writer who's living comfortably by the Pacific.
What country would you most like to visit: Canada.
One word to describe yourself: dichotomy

LAYER NINE:
What do you look for in the opposite sex: See, that's more like it.  Sense of humor, brains without having to show off, opinions without having to force them or cave to others, good disposition.  Also, my heart hates uggos.  Sorry, but I went without for too long and I've got to make the time up.  Don't worry, I think Janeane Garafolo's hot so my spectrum of babeosity's a little wider than what Madison Avenue chucks at me (and I also accept, 'cause, you know).
Best eye color: WTF I care?  They could be GLASS. 
Best hair color: I'd prefer black, but it could be blonde.  And I'm wondering if the redhead rumors are true.  In short, have some.  Or a clean scalp in lieu of that.
Short or long hair?: In my mind's eye it's long but most of the previous have short.  DICHOTOMY.
Best height?: Don't care, but I will say a girl MUCH taller than me could lead to issues.  If she's willing to bend a lot, I'm willing to tough it out.  Oh, that's real funny, asshole.  You sicken me.
Best weight: I don't want anybody nicknamed Eclipse.  Homer's Rule. 
Best articles of clothing: This has nothing to do with anything but ever since that one episode of Boy Meets World I've wanted a beautiful woman to wear a jersey with skimpy panties underneath.  You're right, I'm sick, I need help.
Best first date location: Depends on what she's into.  I would love to go to a karaoke bar and just go nuts, though.  Hard to believe I'm single, huh?
Best first kiss location: It happens where it happens.  Just a natural extension of the other stuff snowballing.  I'll be smarky and say Hawaii.

LAYER TEN:
Number of people I could trust with my life: outside the family, three.
Number of CD's I own: around 60, now
Number of piercings: <>
Number of tattoos: <>
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: none, unless you count the ones I worked on. 
Number of scars on my body: a bunch
Number of things in my past I regret: I'd take a handful of stuff to keep and press a reset button if I could

Ambient music: the Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man"

Swept Away

Fuck tonight's games: 112, 99, 122 and lost the last two by three each.   TEN NINES in the thirty frames.  TEN!  AND four splits to boot. 
 
About the only positive I find is the average keeps going up, and out of the three games that didn't hit the triple digits, two of them are 99s.

Ambient music: D12's "Fight Music"

DADDY NEEDS A CALMATIVE

To quote NASA after Neil Armstrong touched down on the lunar surface for the first time in August 1969: holy SHIT.

7/24/03
2:00-3:00
Dimension Films: Sin City

Comic-Con attendees will be treated to an exclusive panel on Sin City, a feature film based on the series of comic books and graphic novels created, written, and illustrated by Frank Miller. Sin City is a series of stories of vengeance and redemption set in the grimiest, toughest city in the world. The film will incorporate storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including Sin City, which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series as well as That Yellow Bastard and The Big Fat Kill. Confirmed guests include Frank Miller, director Robert Rodriguez, and cast members Jessica Alba, Jamie King and Rosario Dawson.

If I meet Jessica Alba, it's OVER. You understand me? O V E R. I don't know if I mean my heart or the best part of my life but oh vee ay heche O V A H. Maybe I need to get back into praying...

Ambient music: Madness' "One Step Beyond"

Pocket 10

Past tense: "Roses", 5; "Growing On Me", 6; "Blow It Out Your Ass", 7; "All Falls Down", 9; "My Band", 10

(10) Modest Mouse ==> Float On [debut]
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute [debut]
(08) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks [debut]
(07) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love [8]*
(06) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue [4]

(05) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded [debut]
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion [debut]

(03) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out [3]*

(02) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out [2]

(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems [1, 6w]

Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses", live

The New Million Dollar Man?

10k before the first commercial. That's like the dream I have where I open the door and it's Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie's limo broke down on the way to the blowjob contest but since the tow trucks are on strike they have to use me as a warmup judge.

52k for the day.

28 days.

$920,960.

Ken Jennings, Man of the Half-Year.

Ambient music: Eminem's "Lose Yourself"

Breaking the Circle

So, Edwards got VP, and I'm watching Network, so that's the quote you get until Dumbass gets voted off the island in November.

Just go to the polls.

You ought to be mad as hell, and you shouldn't take this anymore.

Blast You, Music Industry and/or Clubbing!

I can see it before the summer really even gets going: that "Culo"/"Move Ya Body" beat is going to become my If it weren't for my horse.... Oh, sure, I THINK I'm tapping out a blog entry but in my mind it's DUN dundun DUN dundun DUN dundun (optional drunken yell of CULO!)

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Ambient music: the Jets' "You Got It All"

A Brief Demonstration Of Why Everyone Should Buy Glued to the Set

I am watching a bit of the Wimbledon this morning. Maria Sharapova hits a shot that may or may not be legal. Instant replay comes up. Who do I have to thank for this? Some button-pusher in New York? A camerman in London?

Of course not.

It's all thanks to JFK getting his head put in El Paso.

Let me explain.

JFK gets shot. Putting aside the conspiracy theories and all of that, Lee Harvey Oswald shoots him. LHO gets to be a celebrity, in much the way I get to use "to impress Jodie Foster" as a running joke for why I do things. So the media would like an explanation, even when Oswald doesn't say anything. It's pre-CNN--a lot of buildup waiting for actual news.

And then they make actual news (inadvertantly (?)) happen.

Enough pressure is put on the now-harried Dallas P.D. to let them have more access to cover Oswald, in the hopes he'll say something. So they change the time of his being moved. It's in a hallway. All three networks are covering it, though only NBC is doing so live.

Now check this shit: because all this craziness happens, it allows some guy, and since this is America we'll give him a homogonous name like Jack--to shoot Oswald. LIVE. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Needless to say...well, hell, and I quote:

Thus television changed history twice on that day--first by literally setting up Ruby with his opportunity, and then providing America with its first dramatic, watch-it-as-it-happens national news event. From Ruby's bullet, to CNN in Baghdad, to O.J.'s Bronco case, the news would never be the same as it sought to capture--and sometimes create--similar events.

SO, once that happens, NBC & CBS have fucked up. Can't interview Oswald--dead. Can't interview Ruby--interrogated. So you know what they did, since all the networks were enjoying rare incest due to the assassination?

They got copies of the shooting from NBC.

And ran them for hours straight. With people to comment on it, and observe from the outside despite having not been there. Sound familiar?

That's about a chapter out of 60 in GttS. And seeing as we all watch TV like good consumerist Americans, you need to read this book. Why should we credit Rod Serling to be the first man to "keep it real"? How the hell did Bob Newhart stay on the air seemingly forever? How come the Cosby Show seems played and yet episodes of Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke seem to have that burp that locked in freshness? GttS knows, and it's worth whatever Amazon'll dock you to find out.

Ambient music: Ozzy's "Crazy Train"

What Is Bad-Ass Motherfucker For $737,000?

So I finally saw this Ken dude on the Jeopardy tonight and he is what they in the hood (where I'm from) call THE TRUTH, SON.

He got $10k in the opening round. IN THE OPENING ROUND! If Jesus came back to Earth and got on Jeopardy He would be lucky if he came out with $7,500. He blew a couple and when a woman closed within 4g he got the last 11 to close out Double Jeopardy. The board, if memory serves me correctly, holds only 30 spaces.

22 DAYS IN A ROW. I want to see some blood come out of him. I think he's a cyborg. Can we just lock him in a room and make him some sort of oracle who solves all our Pressing Issues and whatnot? Can he be our new Jebus? I bet he'd only take 3 days.

Seriously, if it comes on Monday, invest half an hour in Jeopardy and watch him work. It's like some Jordan jumper Biggie rhyming Picasso painting shit when he's on. To quote a wise Sicilian, inconCEIVable!

Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Someday I Suppose"

Starfuckers, Inc: July '04

This Is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You:
Britney Spears (20), Monica Bellucci (22), Rachel Bilson (24), Gabrielle Union (25)

25. Halle Berry (18, p18)
24. Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
23. Victoria (7, p7)
22. Rebecca Romijn (debut)
21. Heidi Klum (17, p10)

20. Kim Smith (re-entry, p20)
19. Alyssa Milano (23, p12)
18. Gail Kim (18, p18)
17. Carmen Electra (19, p5)
16. Josie Maran (14, p13)
15. Kristanna Loken (16, p11)
14. Vida Guerra (re-entry, p6)
13. Christina Aguilera (15, p6)
12. Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
11. Beyonce Knowles (8, p4)

10. Sofia Vergara (10, p8)
09. Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08. Maria Menounos (13, p8)
07. Jamie Pressly (11, p7)
06. Adriana Lima (5, p5)

05. Angelina Jolie (3, p3)
04. Trish Stratus (4, p1)

03. Lindsay Lohan (6, p3)

02. Brooke Burke (1, p1)

01. Jessica Alba (2)

Ambient music: the Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"