The Ridicuously Large ID Card

LAYER ONE:
Name: Butch
Birth date: 9 February 1979
Birth place: Pittsburgh
Current location: North Tijuana
Eye color: brown
Hair color: black
Height: almost 5'8".  At least that's what it was the last time I checked.
Righty or lefty: SINISTER~!
Zodiac sign: Aquarium

LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: pigmentally advantaged-American
Your weakness: Swiss Cake rolls, peanut butter cups, hot brunettes
Your fears: heights, dying alone, needles
Your perfect pizza: deep dish, covered in pepperonis and mushrooms, and partially in Jessica Alba's mouth
Goals you'd like to achieve: author, filthy stinking rich, the boring-ass cliched American Dream.  But with a pet snake.

LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on IM: [angry face emoticon]
Your first thoughts waking up: Bah.
Your best physical feature: If anyone who's seen me can answer this for me in the comments...
Your most missed memory: The few times I had fun in high school that mostly got eaten alive by the Prom Incident

LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi on this side of the border
McDonalds or Burger King: PANDA EXPRESS.  That orange chicken is laced with nicotine or something...
Single or group dates: Single.  Prefer the man-to-man D.
Adidas or Nike: Nike, with the exception of Chuck Taylor.  And I guess my Phat Farms.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Iced tea can lick my hairy beanbag.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
Cappucino or Hot Coffee: no.

LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nah
Cuss: like a motherfucker
Sing: a lot
Take a shower everyday: Yeah.  Off days I plan to sit on my ass I half-ass it, but it still counts dammit!
Do you think you've ever been in love: I know I have.
Want to go to college: I almost want to finish
Like high school: I could count the good times on one hand.  Possibly deformed, too. 
Want to get married: I am flipping and flopping on this issue.  Right now...sure, what the hell.
Believe in yourself: When the booze is working, am I right or amIright?!
Get motion sickness: Not I
Think you're attractive: Not really.
Think you're a health freak: I'm sorry, I was busy drowning this steak in A1.  What?
Get along with your parents: Generally.  But then again I avoid them a lot.
Like thunderstorms: I wouldn't say I like them.  They amuse me.
Play an instrument: I should've learned to play the geetar.  I should've learned to play them drums.

LAYER SIX:
In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: lemme hear a "Hell, yeah!"
Done a drug: Nope
Made out: No
Gone on a date: No.  Met some cool girls in the course of being a semi-barfly, though.  And there's the whole shadow of my ex and whatnot.  But that's another story for another time.
Gone to the mall: Yeah.  And I feared and respected the escalator.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No.  Someday.
Eaten sushi: Nope.
Been on stage: Negatory
Gone skating: NO.
Made homemade cookies: Pffffft.
Gone skinny dipping: No.  I can barely DIP, I don't need to push my luck in that department.
Dyed your hair: Nuh-uh
Stolen anything: I was out of some places like I stole something heh heh heh.   I don't have to fucking impress you.

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
If so, was it mixed company: Yeah
Been trashed or completely intoxicated: A bunch of times!
Been caught "doing something": I refuse to answer this question until the judges define "something"
Been called a tease: No.  And attractive women, I'm a borderline slut.
Gotten beaten up: Not for a few years.
Shoplifted: No
Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no.  People changed to fit in around ME.

LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Got me.  Just don't want to be The Old Guy in the Club, as Rock would say.
Numbers and names of children: Hey, here's an idea--instead of pressing me for family shit, how about you hook me up with a good woman?  All you do is sit there and ask me questions, and what do I get in return?  JACK!  That's what I get.  You lazy shiftless bastard, if you were real I'd kick your ass for being a clownshoe.
How do you want to die: I don't.
What do you most want to be when you grow up: A writer who's living comfortably by the Pacific.
What country would you most like to visit: Canada.
One word to describe yourself: dichotomy

LAYER NINE:
What do you look for in the opposite sex: See, that's more like it.  Sense of humor, brains without having to show off, opinions without having to force them or cave to others, good disposition.  Also, my heart hates uggos.  Sorry, but I went without for too long and I've got to make the time up.  Don't worry, I think Janeane Garafolo's hot so my spectrum of babeosity's a little wider than what Madison Avenue chucks at me (and I also accept, 'cause, you know).
Best eye color: WTF I care?  They could be GLASS. 
Best hair color: I'd prefer black, but it could be blonde.  And I'm wondering if the redhead rumors are true.  In short, have some.  Or a clean scalp in lieu of that.
Short or long hair?: In my mind's eye it's long but most of the previous have short.  DICHOTOMY.
Best height?: Don't care, but I will say a girl MUCH taller than me could lead to issues.  If she's willing to bend a lot, I'm willing to tough it out.  Oh, that's real funny, asshole.  You sicken me.
Best weight: I don't want anybody nicknamed Eclipse.  Homer's Rule. 
Best articles of clothing: This has nothing to do with anything but ever since that one episode of Boy Meets World I've wanted a beautiful woman to wear a jersey with skimpy panties underneath.  You're right, I'm sick, I need help.
Best first date location: Depends on what she's into.  I would love to go to a karaoke bar and just go nuts, though.  Hard to believe I'm single, huh?
Best first kiss location: It happens where it happens.  Just a natural extension of the other stuff snowballing.  I'll be smarky and say Hawaii.

LAYER TEN:
Number of people I could trust with my life: outside the family, three.
Number of CD's I own: around 60, now
Number of piercings: <>
Number of tattoos: <>
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: none, unless you count the ones I worked on. 
Number of scars on my body: a bunch
Number of things in my past I regret: I'd take a handful of stuff to keep and press a reset button if I could

Ambient music: the Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man"