The 2005 Barometer

You better get something from the icebox and a cold beverage now. ..this post took an hour over four days in fifteen-minute incriments.

Buckle up.

ALBA: To Victor for introducing this concept as the Cindys last year, which I replicated with the Albas, which mutated into this when I co-co-opted (call the dictionary people) Matt the Basketball's For and Against format and revamped it into something more selfcentric.

BUSH: For earning this name all year long.

ALBA: See above. Oh, hey, this e-mail just returned back from the server...

To: world@earth.net
From: butchman79@hotmail.com
Subject: Jessica Alba
Text:

I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SIX YEARS AGO! DIDN'T I tell you!?! Get your late-pass-having asses the fuck off my bandwagon!

BUSH: Sophia. Could've had something, but apparently Hey Jealousy isn't just a Gin Blossoms song. You live, you learn, she's fucking nutso, you learn...

ALBA: Brenda & Glenda, even if I haven't seen them since. And I thought that was going to be the highpoint of my year.

ALBA: Getting more awesome at bowling. I haven't in too long. But I'm a pin away from doubling my formerly pathetic average!

ALBA: "Oh, no! We just bought tickets!"

BUSH: Not going to Miami. I think.

ALBA: Poker. It's not just fun--it turns out I'm good. Turn-out-a-minor-profit good. The Dark Horse (™ Dule Hill?) will continue riding over the competition in the aught-six.

ALBA: My triumphant return to the stage. I make an awesome Randal. I'm a berzerker...

BUSH: Britney Spears. Bitch, what the fuck happened to you!?

BUSH: Christina Aguilera, for getting married and quiet. See above comment.

ALBA: Kevin Federline. The man's sitting on nine figures and trades up a pregnant chick for a global superstar who doesn't sign prenup? Maybe some people hate on the style he creates 'cause it's straight 2008--I just want to know when I can go to the Learning Annex and take his class.

ALBA: Killing the dresser. It had to die for the greater good.

ALBA: Emptying the accounts to see Snoop & the Game...

BUSH: How was I supposed to know Snoop would come back two more times in the subsequent eight months?

ALBA: Keith Olbermann--or as I like to call him, the Way, the Truth, and the Light...

ALBA: Playing High Fidelity with Liz over the best hot chocolate in the county, back when she was around.

ALBA: Buying X & Y & Crunk Juice & Late Registration.

BUSH: "What songs other than Fix You/Lovers And Friends/Gold Digger?"

BUSH: The 1st Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam. It was like Paul's Boutique--everyone who got loved it, but there were only like 5 of y'all. It was too ahead of it's time, I suppose.

ALBA: The deal I scored in July. (To be continued...)

BUSH: I didn't meet Natalie Portman, and as a result she didn't get to meet her "baby" or record The Best Answering Machine Message In The History Of Mankind.

BUSH: That month between the end of the Comic-Con and before The Trip, during which I have no recollection whatsoever. That was my evil twin what tried to juggle 3 girls, said all the bad things about the President, and didn't tip.

BUSH: Chappelle getting replaced by Carlos "Ned" Mencia is like going to bed with Victoria Silvstedt and waking up with the bus driver from South Park.

ALBA: Tom Cruise is crazy!

ALBA: The guy who left his 3 iPod minis...

ALBA: ...and the look on his face when I said I hadn't seen them.

MOTHER. FUCKING. ALBA.: VEGAS, BABY! How many Albas can I fit into this Alba? Let's find out! Cheap deal on a four-day weekend to a major hotel (3)! Going with my best friends! (5) Seeing the best DJ walking the face of the planet for free (7)! Staying up allllllll night long and going to bed at 7 a.m. (8)! Up at 4 with breakfast at 5 (9)! Getting wasted and walking around (10)! Swimming and not dying to some of my favorite songs (12)! Tom Jones--who--TOM JONES--who--TOM JONES! (13)! Taking a limo to the World's Largest Strip Club and kicking it all night with an awesome woman who happens to be a stripper and can get her legs behind her head and yours while you sip the Heineken and gives lapdances the way they're meant to be had (436,264)! VEGAS, BABY!

ALBA: Steve Gilliard's blog --> which I found in the wake of Katrina.

ALBA: Those poor innocent Carolina cheerleaders.

BUSH: Debt. Vegas, baby.

ALBA: Veronica Mars! One of these days I'm going to hurt something trying to make sweet love to Kristen Bell through the television.

ALBA: My Space.

BUSH: None of you told me! Yes, I'm still pissed! Yes, you deserve to die, and I hope you burn in hell!

ALBA: Patrick Fitzgerald, Hero To Millions.

ALBA: Aaron's birthday party, because it was the shiiiiiiiiiiit.

ALBA: Coaching a bunch of ragtag misfits to the playoffs, 'cause that's how I roll.

BUSH: Tom Cruise is crazy.

ALBA: Halloween weekend. I (was) Rick James, bitch! Got "Give It To Me" baby played in the club just by showing up, got a couple dozen picture requests, got a bunch of people wanting me to fuck their couches, and got the lid shut on the whole Sophia thing. A celebration, indeed.

BUSH: The cancellation of two awesome comedies, Arrested Development and Taradise.

BUSH: Another NaNoWriMo implosion.

ALBA: Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic. And, since I forgot to mention their awesome NC17ness earlier, the Aristocrats.

BUSH: Eddy's passing.

ALBA: Miss S. '06, here we come? He wishes.

ALBA: the Boondocks, for stepping into the aforementioned void.

THE ALBA: Y'all. It doesn't matter if it's Rob bringing me up with one hand and smacking me with the other, it doesn't matter if KRS-One doesn't know the difference between a Cheerio and a Hello, it doesn't matter if Jen's all the way on the other side of the country, it doesn't matter that KMB's Jewish because we share DNA, it doesn't matter that Aaron had the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER, it doesn't matter Amanda's in LA (currently Vail, but bear with me), it doesn't matter Ivan has the short term memory of a fruit fly, it doesn't matter if you're Team Steve and that's how I met you or if you knew me before and were horrified at the memory, or one of the Potentials that didn't come through or the one that might...it doesn't matter.

You do.

Thanks for everything.

And catch you in the '06.

np: "Hook" by Blues Traveler

Get Your Kodak On: December '05

1. Jessica Alba
2. Trish Stratus (2)
3. Angelina Jolie (3)
4. Eva Longoria (5)
5. Shakira (4)
6. JLH (6)
7. Assa Guerass (™ Orangio Inc.) (15)
8. Jessica Biel (9)*
9. Katherine Heigl (17)*
10. Salma Hayek (8)
11. Halle Berry (14)
12. Summer Altice (13)
13. Brooke Burke (11)
14. Kim Smith (21)
15. Jennifer Walcott (20)*
16. Rachel Bilson (10)
17. Carmen Electra (23)
18. Stacy Keibler (7)
19. Josie Maran (12)
20. Charisma Carpenter (19)
21. Beyonce (22)
22. Nikki Cox (24)
23. Shannon Elizabeth (18)
24. Sofia Vergara (16)
25. Raquel Gibson (debut)
26. Gabrielle Union (27)*
27. Alyssa Milano (28)
28. Lacey Chabert (29)
29. Mayra Veronica (debut)
30. Jessica Simpson (26)
31. Esther Baxter (38)
32. Gail Kim (32)
33. Leeann Tweeden (reentry)
34. Ali Landry (36)
35. Mariah Carey (debut)
36. Adriana Lima (31)
37. Kristanna Loken (37)
38. K.D. Aubert (34)
39. Rachel McAdams (debut)
40. Kelly Hu (39)

ALSO RECEIVING VOTES:
Eva Mendez, Jaime Pressly, Eliza Dushku, Maria Menonous, Ashley Hartman, Grace Park, Marisa Miller

DROPPED FROM RANKINGS:
Sarah Shahi (25), Elizabeth Hurley (30), Monica Bellucci (33), Jenny McCarthy (35), Mya (40)


This post is brought to you BAH: "You Make Me Feel Like A Whore" by Everclear

Religious Deity Of Choice (Assuming You Believe In Such Things) Bless Us, Everyone

It's the most wonderful time of the year, when you see how much your people really care about you by how much money they spent.

• scrolling redlighted belt buckle (already club-tested, club-approved)
• Jessica Alba Fantastic 4 poster (Rob is Number One and THE BEST.)
• the Unplugged Jay-Z and best of Destiny's Child CDs (BASKETBALL~~....though I doubt that's the first time Hov and B have shared a box...)
  
• Daily Show 2006 America calendar
  
• Ferris Bueller's Day Off DVD (sorry, Mike. I blame the ham.)
  
• pool stick of their late sister/friend of mine, named in her honor by me (bless you, Danny)
• Madden '06 for the Cube (I love Rob in a completely heterosexual manner)
• same 2 bags of chocolates
• same Best Buy gift certificate
• same Borders gift certificate [Beastie Boys' Solid Gold Hits, headphones, year-end Rolling Stone]
  
• same $35
• pocket Texas Hold 'Em game (too bad it didn't come with instructions; haven't been able to kick the tires on it yet)
• poker set (200 chips, 2 decks)
• 10 piece grooming set

Officially the last year I kill myself getting Mom something. Gift certificates and plenty ofs 'em.

ADDENDUM: And I thought my Christmas was half-assed before! Ah, well, don't stop believin', I guess.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls

The Last KWBR Of 2005

NOT ENOUGH:
"Shake" (12)

15) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (11)
14) My Chemical Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (14)*
13) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Young Buck & Lloyd Banks ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (13)*
12) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (3)
11) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (8)

10) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (15)*
09) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (10)*
08) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (debut)*
07) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (7)
06) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (2)

05) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (9)*
04) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (4)

03) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It (remix) (6)*

02) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)*

01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) (1) [6w]

This post is brought to you BAH: "Crawling In The Dark" by Hoobstank

This Year's Time Capsule

Best song I downloaded this year
As previously evidenced, "Gold Digger" by Kanye West and "Fix You" by Coldplay.

My favorite new toy
It's a tie between My Space and Natalie the cell. Pictures. 500 numbers...*drool*

Favorite word or phrase of 2005
"George Bush doesn't care about black people." KANYEEZY~ I should send a shout-out to the Pimp's Prayer on the Boondocks ("Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch. And guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that she might learn a ho's place. Amen.") and that triplet on My Sweet 16 who was told by one of her dopplegangers her hair was flopping and she wasn't quite looking right who absorbed the comment and then whispered "You're an evil whore." It's all about the delivery. [ADDENDUM: Can't believe I forgot "You're...you're so glib" by the Increasingly Nutty Scientology Cruiser. What an awesome catch-all that phrase is.]

Fill in the blank: George Bush doesn't care about ______.
Anyone not aligned with him/white/rich/old/American

Band you'd most like to see replace their singer on national TV
Hot Hot Heat and My Chemical Romance should trade, straight up.

Tom Cruise: brainwashed, bullying cult freak or all-seeing, all-knowing seventh-level Thetan?
Gotta be the first one. I can't wait for the divorce in 2011 and Katie turning into the new age Tara Reid. Heard it here first, kids!

Saddest celebrity breakup
Kirstie Alley and restraint.

Man crush of the year
Patrick Fitzgerald. But it's more what's he's doin' for a brother than actual looks.

Best sex I've had all year
I think I had some sort of Tantric orgasm during Sin City.

Obsession of the year
Besides the 'nann, probably...uh...Jessica somebody-or-other.

Biggest disappointment of the year
The majority of America(ns).

Trend I'm most sick of
If you don't agree with something we're doing, the terrorists are winning. Now shut up and eat your pine cone.

Rock star moment of the year
It's got something to with brushing up on check-out time, and being in the World's Largest Strip Club on a Sunday, and a girl named Kelly who smelled like tangerine and was ludicrously soft, and "Don't Cha" was in there, and my friends too. That might be the rock star moment of my life to date just for being so goddamn awesome on so many levels.

Biggest time-suck
My Space. You start seeing if your friends say anything, then you start checking on people from high school, then you find some bands, play some FreeCell--next thing you know that thing in your eyes is the rising sun. It's happened.

Favorite sign of the apocalypse
Probably "Hollaback Girl". You know it's a signal.

Most expensive purchase
Vegas--but it did lead to the most rock star moment, so...

Ambition for 2006
Finishing the novel, the committed relationship (Ms. Ssssssss, come out and play), fiduciary and living freedom, the violent death of hipsters, coastal domination, and, of course, finally getting Jessica Alba's attention

This post is brought to you BAH: "Just A Friend" by THE BIZ~!

Two Five, Oh Five

This year?

Fucking strange.

It looks like ugly people writing and playing their own music is the new/old black, so hooray for that. The mashups went from DJ work to literal: Snoop Dogg got together with Justin Timberlake, Kanye West with the lead singer of Maroon 5, and Nas with his dad to do an ambitious hip hop and blues crossover meld. 50 Cent was everywhere, so was Pharrell, and there was the little matter of a bunch of punk's modern-day rock opera creasing the gap and giving guitar a voice again.

This year, 25 songs and about 25 different artists: mostly groups, some soloists breaking free, more than a few collabs, and, of course, the song with the most pertinent question of the year.

Fun times!

In awards held prior to the kickoff of the top 25:

Off-Key Singalong Of The Year went to Fat Joe, for the chorus of "So Much More". Worst Song of the Year is a tie between Cassidy and...Cassidy. Fuck him. Ripped off Hov' and K-Os--I hope he does 15 just for that stupid-ass bitchmade "Hustla Dance" alone. The prestigious Opening Line of the Year award went to Franz Ferdinand's "Do You Want To"--when I woke up tonight, I said I'm gonna make somebody love me, and the Line of the Year award? I think Aaron knew who

MIKE JONES!

who?

MIKE JONES!

was going to get this one--back then, they didn't want me, now I'm hot, they all on me. So true, Mike. So very true. As for Riff, Hook, and Guilty Pleasure? Oh, and Song of the Year alongside Incubus, the Peppers, Nirvana, Coldplay, and Hova? Shuffle up and deal--I mean, let's do this bitch.

YOU GOT A REACTION, DIDN'T YOU (HONORABLE MENTION)
Hot Hot Heat - Middle Of Nowhere
Common - Go
Ludacris - Number One Spot
Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs
T.I. - Bring 'Em Out
Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
Weezer - Beverly Hills
Jimmy Eat World - Futures

GOTTA GOTTA BE DOWN BECAUSE I WANT IT ALL
#25 ¤ Franz Ferdinand ¤ This Fire
With "Do You Want To" '06 eligible and in the honorable mention category, this love song to pogo to kicks off this year's list. You could have it so much better when you're deeply in lust, apparently. (Oh, who'm I kidding? I know that's true.)

#24 ¤ Lloyd Banks feat. Avant ¤ Karma (remix)
Last year Young Buck did a spot better, If Memory Serves Me Correctly. My personal favorite of the 50ettes lyrically comes up with a mellow jam about groupie love--though if there are any groupies that look like K.D. Aubert I need to learn an instrument like now.

#23 ¤ the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret ['06 eligible]
Speaking of songs about groupie love! The AAR prove that the best things in life aren't free, they're the ones with pigtails you've got to creep with behind closed doors to make their best song yet with their typically worm-its-way-into-your-brain choruses. Soon to be coming to a teen drama soundtrack near you.

#22 ¤ T.I. ¤ You Don't Know Me
So, Bring 'Em Out almost makes it (and shows Cassidy how you really should use your lifted Hova hook), and at the end of that video a chorus and some of the first verse played to this. And thus, the club jam King of the South got out of that mold with a head bussa anthem that makes you want to catch somebody in the mouth with a fist. You really want to scrap against an ex-con?

#21 ¤ Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps ['06]
Bill Simmons on Rocky IV: What an awful, ludicrous movie. I loved it. And so the song that drove me crazy at the Vivianbury one night within the week starts to creep in my mind at work...and then starts getting played at the clubs...and then begins to get a rumpatastic video...and it occurs to me--what is this random girl going to do with all this junk? All this junk inside her trunk? And is she seeing anybody? I mean, I've seen Fergie live. She almost had me spending all that money on her and spending time on her. I do sort of miss the old Black Eyed Peas sometimes, but damn lookit all that ass!

#20 ¤ Louis XIV ¤ Finding Out True Love Is Blind
619 repraSENT! And they say unto all the girls on Garnet down to all the girls on Revolucion and the girls on 4th and 5th in between, give us your high heels, your body glitter, your tube tops yearning to breathe free, the regulation hotties of this Pacific shore. Send these girls, buzzed at least, to my door. My personal favorite would be the girl in the front with the tight pants, probably.

#19 ¤ the Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ How We Do
This is one of those songs that grew on me during the course of the year, as another decendent of Dre rides hand claps and talks about the finer things in life: drug slinging, gunning down your enemies, and fucking some bitches. I wouldn't bet against seeing either of these men again on this list, by the way.

#18 ¤ System Of A Down ¤ BYOB
My initial idea of the opening one: My God is a violent one with dormant eels... it turns out it's Barbarisms by Barbaras with pointed heels. See, I had a good line, they had a better one. This year's "American Idiot" works out with schizophrenic tempo changes, a Pee-Wee friendly bridge, and lyrics that really took hold in the latter half of the year. Seems appropriate seeing the sea change in the Democrats between Cindy Sheehan, the Leak, and the 56k Katrina response that my immediate response has been all year in regards to the elections last year And where the fuck are YOU!?

#17 ¤ Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That ['06]
Since I say it every year, what better place to say it than here: that Pharrell kid's going to be somebody someday. You watch. The man behind seemingly every halfway decent non-Dre beat this millennium big ups Miami tourism, ludicrously expensive watches, and Verizon services over a minimal drum beat. I'm sure Gwen's cashed an easier check in her life--I just don't see how.

#16 ¤ Ludacris ¤ Get Back
Maybe I'm the only one, but I sort of think of this as a companion piece to "Stand Up" after the fire marshal shuts things down. The opening clarion call from the Red Light District featured an awesomely surreal Spike Jonze video (do they come any other way?) and sent a clear message: I will fuck you up--the minute I get done with this two-step.

#15 ¤ Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) ['06]
July: What the fuck was that?
August: Is that actually a song?
September: This guy's from DipShit? I hate DipShit!
October: Damn, that's a nice hook.
November: GodDAMN, that's a nice hook.
December: Knocks off "Gold Digger" after 3 months on top, currently #1.

It doesn't win Hook of the Year, but only by so little. It doesn't win Guilty Pleasure of the Year, but only by so little. The moral of the lesson, as usual: you got to keep your ears as open as your mind.

#14 ¤ the Killers ¤ All These Things That I've Done
Sure, everybody loved "Somebody Told Me" and "Mr. Brightside" but this has always been my favorite song of theirs since I heard it last year. (Hilariously, this was the last add to the list because I added the song after I saw them in concert last year, forgetting it wasn't released as a single until this one.) It was the song that turned me around on them, and what a song: if any a year demanded a liberal brother to have soul but not be a soldier, this was the one. Plus, my affection came and went this year more than any other.

GUILTYPLEASUREoftheyear
#13 ¤ Gwen Stefani ¤ Hollaback Girl
You're thinking of it right now, aren't ya? After the Mrs. Rossdale's Wild Ride that was "What You Waiting For?", out came "Rich Girl". And America was instantly doomed. It was Fiddler on the Roof! How much catchier could things get? That boy Pharrell again--he's going to...oh, I used it already. Pwamp. It's very hard to remain masculine and straight when you're in the club singing this at the top of your lungs and doing the two-step stomp. Recycled Queen? A tip of the cap to Toni Basil? Spelling? In 2005?! Gwen got it wrong; this shit wasn't bananas, it was nuts.

RIFFoftheyear
#12 ¤ the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell ['06]
Some of you may say the riff of the year can't come from a piano. Some of you need to make your own fucking lists. You know, the Stripes probably should've gotten on for "Blue Orchid", too, but this throwback to 1937 South from a 2005 Detroit twosome was just too unique, too awesomely double entendred, and too well played on the ivories to ignore. It's cool they actually make the sounds that make us feel right at home, even if no one can expect what sounds are coming next.

#11 ¤ Tori Alamaze/Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes ¤ Don't Cha
By the way, if there'd be such a category as Best Song To Get A Lapdance To, it would've split it with "Oh". Said he of the majorly biased, Kelli-influenced opinion. I still believe someone saw the shirt "Don't you wish you were fucking this instead of the ugly bitch you're with?" and a song was born. I always wondered what happened to Eden's Crush.

Oh, it's about to get fun now.

#10 ¤ Ying Yang Twins ¤ Wait (The Whisper Song)
I still can't believe this aired. I still can't believe this got a video. I really can't believe this didn't win hook of the year. Bush got re-elected weeks before this got out! HOW!? How the hell did this song happen!?

#9 ¤ Mario ¤ Let Me Love You
All right, fine, I'll eat the crow on this one. Yes, it's a perfect R&B song. Yes, the beat is insistent without being annoying. And yes, Mario does the please-baby-baby-please spiel perfectly for that hot girl in every guy's life who's shacking up with a Federline. But if you think I'm forgiving you for that soul-raping remake of "Just A Friend", Judas Priest, son, you've got another thing coming!

#8 ¤ Audioslave ¤ Be Yourself
You've got Chris Cornell. You've got the non-militant part of Rage Against the Machine. And for our opening act this album...we're going to do the exact opposite of how we opened the last album and make you wonder if that new Chili Peppers album got out early. Ironically, by making this song of self-reliance, they proved the hard driving rock that'd put Lexuses in their garages wasn't all that they could do.

#7 ¤ Destiny's Child ¤ Lose My Breath
Drums, please! Ah, we're all going to miss Kelly and what's-her-face by this time next year, so it's only appropriate the girls go out the way they came in: too bootylicious for any guy to really bring the noise. Well, except this guy out in New York. But he barely even spits on the mic anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to snag B any day now. Yep. Any day.

HOOKoftheyear
#6 ¤ Amerie ¤ 1 Thing
In the immortal words of John Fitzgerald Kennedy as he accepted the Presidency of the United States, damn, that shit's funky! Whoever took lil' miss "Why Don't We Just Fall In Love?" and turned her into a hair-sticking-to-forehead worn-out drooling sloppy mess: thank you. Next time, post some video, too.

And here you go--the best 5 songs of the year.

FIVE
The Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ Hate It Or Love It
Peaked at #1 in March
With an assisst to the Reverend, the former allies tell their own version of "Hard Knock Life" with a surprisingly upbeat message at the core of the song. Though I do suggest if Game could barely do a minute of this live before, it's only going to get worse if his career continues to flourish. (And we'll all pretend that Mary J. remake didn't happen.)

FOUR
50 Cent ¤ Disco Inferno
Peaked at #1 in February and March. And again in April. And again in May.
A few songs have done it twice. None of them three times. Simplify, says Thoreau. So it stands to reason in a year that I fell in love with the get-that-backfield-in-motion club banger the pre-eminent name in hip hop would make the ass-shaking anthem of the year, right? And there is that little matter of the real video of the year that you'd probably only be able to catch late night on BET Uncut. SO worth it, though!

THREE
Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris ¤ Lovers And Friends
Peaked at #1 in January and February
I wish I was young again, and it's not just because technology's advancing at an advanced rate, and not just because I've gotten wiser as the time's gone on, and it's not just because there are going to be 3 ESPNs any day now--

--but if I was a younger man, and could get next to a younger woman? This would've been my prom song. And it would've been the best prom song EVER. The Bizarro World "Yeah!", what can you say? Lil' Jon actually like, sings sings, and it's all about love. (Sort of.) That alone would've gotten it on the list. Add Ludacris' usual sterling guess work and Usher's usual crooning, and you have the first half Song of the Year.

But...

...

..

.

SONGS OF THE YEAR
Coldplay ¤ Fix You
Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger
Peaked at #1 from the Fourth Of July to Thanksgiving, combined.

So before this year a song had never debuted at #1 before. Coldplay did. And Kanye took all of two weeks to get there and bump them out. Both came out with inferior opening singles on new albums I'd been waiting for, otherwise there might've been a huge difference. Triple H was boring me to death on a RAW, so I channel flipped and found Coldplay previewing X & Y. I think I came in on the second verse and completely forgot. Everything. What I had been watching, where I was, what day it was (June 6). All I knew is that this was the Coldplay song, even more than "Trouble", "Amsterdam", or '03 favorite "The Scientist". I just kept hearing the hallelujah break and the end over and over in my head.

And then they opened the album with "Speed Of Sound"! Fuckers!

Needless to say, when "Fix You"'s turn came up on the radio, it was game over for the year.

Of course.

She take my money when I'm in neeeeeeed!

What the--Ray Charles?

Yeah, she's a triflin' friend indeed!

How can this be?!

Lord, she a gold digger way over town that digs on me...

And all of a sudden it sounded like someone beating down a door. How right my ear was.

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke niggas...

Maybe it was because I was more into the scene this year. Maybe it's just because Kanye's ludicrously awesome. But as I listened to this poor hapless son of a bitch suffer baby momma drama, it struck a chord in me. Haven't been there. But we've all been there. This just in: I WANT PRENUP, YEAH! (Oh, if only Jessica Simpson's brains matched her chest.) You don't know whether to laugh, comisserate, or just shake your head (how many funny Michael snaps does K-Dub have left?) --and that's before what would've won Closing Line of the Year. Which is only true if they're hotter than you are, girls!

When I kept flip-flopping #2 and #1 based on my mood that second, I knew it was a draw. And there you go.

Maybe I need a playoff.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Hit That" by the Offspring

KWBR

WHEN IT'S OVER:
"Hustler's Ambition" (8)
"Testify" (14)

15) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (debut)
14) My Chemical Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (15)*
13) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks and Young Buck ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (debut)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (9)
11) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (11)

10) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (13)*
09) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (12)*
08) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (10)
07) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (6)
06) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It [remix] (7)*

05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)
04) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (3)

03) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (2)

02) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (4)*

01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (1) [1m]

This post is brought to you BAH: "Public Enemy Number One" by Public Enemy

Rob Sheffield: This Bastard Owes Me Some Cash, No?

It's one of them title-click deals. What do you think of the new name? Better suggestions?

the Dark Horse Gets His Roll On

Sean was kind enough to host a poker night tonight. It has been Entirely Too Goddamned Long since such an event occured; my vice-like memory is telling me the last time was over at Aaron's when I met Sean for the first time was before Halloween. Anyway, with Aaron & Team Steve Big Unit Omar in tow we went into Mission Valley to have the game.

For some reason when Sean gets involved the game is quicker than usual--maybe because people get eliminated but instead don't buy back in. Omar gets bounced off of his buy-in in the first half-hour, and Aaron gets it going against both Sean and his roomate the half hour after that. (I don't blame him for being pissed to the nth: he had pocket fives and the board came up like 3-6-7 by the time the turn happened. Guess who kept 4-5? Guess who else?)

Me?

I'm doing very well. Playing the way I want to, and doubling my money off of a flush (a King to another roomie's Jack) sure helps things out. Aaron gets snarky about me raising pre-flop, but people tended to fold and increase my chances of holding a superior hand. I didn't pre-flop raise anything blow-it-out-your-ass ludicrous but enough to make people define "I'm playing this hand because it's good" vs. "I'm playing this hand because it's not costing me shit".

Another roomate busts out and it's down to three-handed. I'm a little more nervous because usually I play against fuller tables. I know I'm not in the lead, so it's another cause for worry. The blinds double, too. (My idea, but they didn't have to say yes!)

This is when it happens.

I get suited muck, but play it 3-handed. a) I've been playing pretty tight even 3-handed because 2) I've been getting a metric shitload of slop I'd never even touch at a fuller table. (I actually ended up getting quad QUEENS on a hand after it played all the way through--because they folded a pre-flop raise. Queen in the flop, and on the river. BAH!) Flop comes with two more clubs, four to the flush. At this point I'm either barely in second or slightly ahead--I wasn't looking at Sean's chipstack probably because it would've depressed me. From the 80 cent big blind I bump up to $3. It's called by G. I'm a little nervous, but then the turn comes Ac. The mother of all flushes. So what do I do?

Bet another $3.

Then put him all-in on the river. And get called.

Aaron said he was waiting around for me to lose? You might want to wait for the Titanic to make the dock, too, son! Two hours (two hours!) after we'd begun, we split up the pot since Sean and I are the sole survivors. He gets $27. I get $43.

Best.

Poker.

Game.

EVER.

Omar and Aaron, who've been sitting around most of the evening watching me take in cash like a bank, aren't as happy as I am when we're gone. It's not even midnight, so I suggest going over the bridge to Mission Beach and I'll buy them some Cold Stone to distribute the wealth of victory. We get there, but no dice--they close at midnight or eleven or some shit. Even with the game breaking up early we were on the road about quarter to midnight. Fingertips away. Aaron calls Merilynn, who's favorite watering hole is in the vicinity, and as I heard a wise woman say in Swingers "you shouldn't leave without getting something for free". Omar, who's been up the last 20 hours less the catnap in the car on the way, comes along with us.

Aaron can't get to Merilynn via cell, so I do what any person of my impressive stature would do at a moment of crisis like this--I close my eyes, clasp my hands together, and make a facial expression like taking a shit to get her outside.

Within 2 minutes.

Omar will back me up.

Just that fast.

Me = 0wns

It turns out (this will not surprise anyone who's heard me talk about Merilynn in the glowing adjectives I have) that she's friends with the bouncers and whatnot so instead of being lumped in with the hoi polloi we get in the VIP line and roll in in about five minutes paying triple 0, Mr. Dufresne, if you please.

Me = 0wns. Merilynn = 0wns th3m a11

So, it being a popular place on Saturday night a bit after midnight, it's wall-to-wall. It's packed with people dancing and somehow my Spidey sense gets me and Omar through the hustle and bustle to where I dimly remembered seeing Merilynn and her cute friend Rica through the window. So I go back for Aaron, who's been in the bathroom, and I knock over a guy's drink.

It could've been a moment.

But me being me and the roll I'm on tonight, I just buy him a new one. Heineken. I'm dimly familiar with that substance.

Omar, tired and dressed down, plays the wall. Aaron...plays the wall. I do a little light dancing and am encouraged to hear both "There It Go" and "Gold Digger". But we're only in an hour before we get Last Called out. WTF? 1:15 is last call in this joint? That'll drop it a letter grade. Cute girls, though. I was trying to hook one up with Aaron, but no dice. Hey, I got my own problems to fry on that front. 99 problems, you know the rest. Made some friends--surprise. Merilynn & Rica had gotten started way before us and ducked out while I was doing the footwork. But I do owe them.

Omar & I swear to chase bitches together in the future. I think it'll be a real team bonding experience. And if Aaron's good, we'll let him get some of our ricochet action.

Since the Giants/Cowboys and Steelers/Bengals games are on early and Clerks is about to do my scene, time to get the seven hours of beauty sleep and...ugh...prepare for work.

See, into every life a little rain must fall...

This post is brought to you BAH: "Walk Of Life" by Dire Straits

AvB: Friday Barometer

ALBA: Three completely different songs that are awesome in their own ways: Franz Ferdinand's "The Fallen", the G-Unit song headed by Yayo "I Know You Don't Love Me"...and Mariah Carey's "Get Your Number". Shut up.

BUSH: So hungry.

ALBA: Dad's cooking, which means it's an early bird dinner before I go coach Team Steve to victory again tonight--chicken, salad, potato. Awright.

ALBA: The New York & Company posters featuring Eva Longoria. If someone could pilfer me one or four of them for Festivus I'd be quite the grateful sideshow freak.

ALBA: I've got my top 25 songs of the year--just wondering when I should post the list.

BUSH: Ms. S is vacationing in Miami this weekend.

ALBA: So I'll try to take her out next weekend. Persistence in all things. Unless they're really hard.

ALBA: I'm about ready to start writing again. Sick and depressed as I was the past few weeks, the clouds've really cleared.

BUSH: They canceled Reunion! I was halfway watching that! And the Curse of Amanda Righetti sadly continues...

ALBA: I found Candyman's "Knockin' Boots". How did I ever live without the Internet!?

ALBA: Oprah on Letterman last night. I'm not a huge Oprah fan or anything, but it was clearly important to Dave to get her back in the chair after almost 17 years and it showed in a really good, insightful interview--of course, this country is overrun with mouthbreathers and it probably got ½ of Leno's ratings. But that's why I'm filled with such vitriolic rage bordering on psychosis! It makes for such entertaining blogs! And would you love me any other way?

BUSH: I still don't know what I'm doing for New Year's. I pray I don't have to work, or at least too late.

BUSH: I'm a little behind on the shopping. Next week's payday, though, so I'll begin rectifying it there.

ALBA: I'm way too excited for next month: Scrubs comes back, and so does 24! Seriously, in '08 I'm writing in a Palmer/Bauer ticket. Terrorists will long for the glory days of Abu Ghreib with that combo.

BUSH: Holy shit, there's a cop chopper moving past the complex with somebody barking out something or other over a loudspeaker. I might could be on the news! Oh, don't let this guy be black don't let this guy be black...ah, fuck.

ALBA: Pardon the Interruption!

This post is brought to you BAH: "Grindin'" by the Clipse

KWBR

ZERO:
"Outta Control (remix)" (11)
"Wake Me Up When September Ends" (15)

15) My Chemcial Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (debut)
14) Common ¤ Testify (8)
13) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (debut)
12) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (12)*
11) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (9)

10) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (10)
09) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (13)
08) 50 Cent ¤ Hustler's Ambition (4)
07) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It (remix) (14)*
06) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (7)*

05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)
04) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (6)

03) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1)

02) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (3)*

01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) (2) [2w]

This post is brought to you BAH: "I Wish" by Stevie Wonder

AvB: Friday Barometer

BUSH: Guess who's got a one-day weekend? Everybody else in the house is good and off, of course. Hate on my job. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

BUSH: I'm missing Danny's party tomorrow, and the rematch between my alma mater and our inbred moronic pigfucking rivals in the playoffs tonight.

BUSH: Still have to see Walk The Line, and Harry Potter and His Magic Wand or whatever it is. Oh, and Shopgirl, if it's as good as the book. Lousy movie theatres--why can't I wait until next summer and buy the DVDs!?

ALBA: Payday...ish. Time to start chipping away at the Christmas list.

ALBA: That goes for y'all, too.

ALBA: Thanksgiving. Stuffing and pasta and rolls and apple pie a la mode and collard greens and mashed potatoes, oh my!

BUSH: No three-cheese Au Gratin potatoes! Terrorists haven't won, my ass.

ALBA: This Texas/A&M game is real good. I'm sort of rooting for something to fuck up the BCS, of course. I think on my list of things I hate, the BCS is somewhere between Dick Cheney and chicken salad.

BUSH: The stupid drunk nigga who got arrested at Denny's, railing about his order and how his hat got disrespected at 3 in the morning on Thanksgiving. Grandmaster Flash 3:16--don't push me, 'cause I'm close to the edge... and this is why I have to bust my ass at 150%.

ALBA: Partying with my 3 best friends Wednesday night.

BUSH: I thought it would've been a little crazier, to be honest. It was about a 6, 7 tops. I'll make it up to you next time, Amanda, I swears it.

ALBA: My top 25 songs of the year are done--except which one is number one. I may have to split the vote like I did in '03.

ALBA: Tuesday a DJ played "Cool It Now" by New Edition, followed by "Motownphilly" by BIIM. OLD SCHOOL~!

ALBA: The Boondocks has been approved by yours truly, and for my non-colored brothers, you can laugh at the nigger jokes. Not that loud, though. *shakes fist*

BUSH: That reminds me, how the hell is the busiest financial day of the busiest financial time of the year named Black Friday?

ALBA: As Jen & KRS-One have seen and Rob's said, I did meet a girl online this weekend. It's part of the agony and joy of being home Saturday nights when you're sick. Anyway, she's 21, majoring in marine biology, blonde, into hip-hop, loves vodka and Fight Club, and has what has been described as a killer rack. Got the Orangio Seal of Approval and everythang. Anyway, I sent her a message Saturday night, she replied back in a couple hours, and we are what the Biz would call started talkin', getttin' familiar/Spendin' a lot of time so we can build up /A relationship or some understanding. Clearly, she is not a stranger to brothers spitting at her, but they are Poser Mobile and I'm motherfucking Verizon. And as much as I'd like to skip the pretense and propose I know she's gotten burned in the recent past (I paused for 5 seconds to shake my head. Boys are stupid.) so I'm just going to slowly build things up between us. But yeah, on the 1 to 10 she's a certified 20.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, how did we ever get along without the Internet?

ALBA: You'd better look out, because I'm gonna say fuck.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Rockin' The Suburbs" by Ben Folds

See, Now It's Just Getting Ridiculous

You're
already
number
one!

Yeah, she's had a decent year.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Welcome Back" by Mase

Mamacitas: November '05

1. Jessica Alba
2. Trish Stratus (2)
3. Angelina Jolie (3)
4. Shakira (6)*
5. Eva Longoria (4)
6. Jennifer Love Hewitt (9)*
7. Stacy Keibler (8)*
8. Salma Hayek (7)
9. Jessica Biel (15)*
10. Rachel Bilson (20)
11. Brooke Burke (5)
12. Josie Maran (12)
13. Summer Altice (11)
14. Halle Berry (10)
15. Assa Guerass [™ Orangio Productions] (17)
16. Sofia Vergara (13)
17. Katherine Heigl (27)*
18. Shannon Elizabeth (25)
19. Charisma Carpenter (34)*
20. Jennifer Walcott (21)
21. Kim Smith (14)
22. Beyonce (18)
23. Carmen Electra (16)
24. Nikki Cox (30)
25. Sarah Shahi (22)
26. Jessica Simpson-Brungardt (28)*
27. Gabrielle Union (38)*
28. Alyssa Milano (40)
29. Lacey Chabert (35)
30. Elizabeth Hurley (24)
31. Adriana Lima (32)
32. Gail Kim (re-entry)
33. Monica Bellucci (23)
34. K.D. Aubert (26)
35. Jenny McCarthy (36)
36. Ali Landry (37)
37. Kristanna Loken (19)
38. Esther Baxter (33)
39. Kelly Hu (re-entry)
40. Mya (39)

ALSO RECEIVING VOTES:
Grace Park, Kristen Bell, Eliza Dushku, Mariah Carey, Cindy Crawford, Michelle Trachtenberg
DROPPED FROM RANKINGS:
Pam Anderson (29), Rebecca Romijn (31)

This post is brought to you BAH: "Girl" by Beck

The Lost Weekend

• So.
• Thursday the Net was just being uppity, Friday it continued to be this way. Thus, my Barometer post went up around dinner time instead of lunch. But by that time, I was already out of the house.
  I'd been looking forward to seeing Jesus Is Magic ever since I'd seen the trailer during the leadup to the Aristocrats. Part of it is because Sarah Silverman's hot, and part of it is because she seems to be one of the few-standups left who works blue to make a point instead of working blue because Richard broke the door down. So I went to see it, and it was probably the funniest movie I'd seen all year. It's a limited release, so if you can, hurry up and go. I think the birth control line's worth $7 on it's own, and in the hour and a half you should find some other joke or 37 to make up the difference from there. Plus, the hot mirror scene at the end, which went from ha-ha funny to ha-ha-uh-oh real fast.
• Get home. Modem doesn't work at all, apparently. Replacement tomorrow. All right, fine.
• Pay some of my big-ass cell bill with my pissant check. Go to work. Natalie, as I write this, is still a road apple. If I'd known that would've been the result I wouldn't've paid. What good is text if you can't get any? Come home and find out they couldn't change it out, so someone's coming (today). Had I been on on Saturday, you would've seen this at some point:

THANKS, THAT WAS FUN:
"Play" (11)
"Brand New" (13)
"Unbreakable" (15)

15) Green Day ¤ Wake Me Up When September Ends (9)
14) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It (debut)
13) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (12)
12) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (debut)
11) 50 Cent feat. Mobb Deep ¤ Outta Control (4)

10) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (7)
09) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (10)
08) Common ¤ Testify (8)*
07) All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (14)*
06) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (2)

05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)
04) 50 Cent ¤ Hustler's Ambition (debut)

03) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (6)*

02) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (3)*

01) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1) [3m]

• What's making things more frustrating is between my cold and everybody off for the 3-day weekend, I can't get into a zone where I can write something, anything for the novel. I can't come up with some necessary bridge to get me into February, even though I do have some options. I literally sat here Saturday night for 45 minutes. Thought of stuff, subplot ideas. Chucked the lot.
• Yesterday I walked around, and that actually helped a bit to get ideas. Was able to finish out the month, at any rate. I think one thing I think I like the Internet over TV--especially on weekends--is everything replays forever on TV. I was flipping the dials, looking for something to watch. (It was the hope something seen on TV would spark me to get something else down, but instead it just reaffirmed Eva Longoria is hot and Veronica Mars is a good show. Nice, TV. Nice.) I saw Eddy Guerrero, and thought maybe Telemundo had rerun SmackDown. Since I'd missed it going to see JiM, I was psyched.
  

Then I saw it was the news station.

The last wrestler I saw on the news was Owen Hart.

I've been watching that cursor blink for 3 minutes trying to get my head right. It's why I'm not watching RAW right now--the last time I cried before the terrorists was RAW is OWEN and I'd much rather not have history repeat itself. I keep thinking maybe I can unlearn what I know, that maybe if I don't watch, Eddy will be all right. I know it's wrong. I still hope I'm right.

What it is, is that Eddy Guerrero was a perfect wrestler.

I love watching Samoa Joe hit the shit out of people. I hope I never hear him talk. It'd sort of ruin things for me.

I love watching Monty Brown cut a promo. Oh, sure, it's bingo: Alpha Male Serengeti POOOUUUUUUUNNNNNNCEEEEEEE....period. I don't want to see him wrestle a match longer than 2 minutes.

Eddy...

Eddy was a whole different story. Eddy would make you care about the match. Then he'd go out and put out a good one. If you were lucky, it'd be a great one.

It didn't matter which side of the coin Eddy was on, either. In fact, towards...what's the end. Shit. Jesus. Towards the end he was working with Batista. The plan was originally for Eddy to play babyface and turn even more dickish heel. There was only one problem: nobody wanted to boo Eddy Guerrero. So they remained an Odd Couple tag team. In fact, Eddie might've been set to win the injured Batista's title last night due to the big man's injury.

Who knows. Who can say.

Eddy was so popular he had to pick on the smallest wrestler on the roster and go after his family to get jeered. And that was only by most--people still cheered, anyway. It was Eddy, for god's sakes. What sort of self-respecting fan who thinks independently is going to boo a wrestling god like Eddy Guerrero?

It started with one simple, shirt-friendly motto.

Lie, Cheat, and Steal: It's A Family Tradition.

So he and his cousin Chavo--before he became that thing that he is now--did. They did all 3 of these things. A funny thing happened on the way to heel heaven: the fans began cheering. Both of them deserved credit, but it was usually Eddy leading the charge. Whacking the opponent with the chair, then ditching it and pretending he got hit, too. Throwing them the foreign object and holding his head so they'd get DQed. Fake clap tags. Tight-pulling. Fake injuries, fake illness. It was hilarious. It was brilliant. This is how they evened the odds. And after a while, nobody cared about them being "bad". It was all about what were they going to get away with next. And how? Had we seen it? Was there going to be some new trick out of the bag to knock us all on our ass? It was great.

Jump a couple months. For the first time, Eddy got pushed as a #1 contender. We all thought the same thing. "It'd be cool. But it'd never happen in a million years."

I was busy with my first date that night when I got home and found out.

15 minutes past a million years.

Little Eddie Guerrero was the WWE Champion.

WCW had screwed him over, and the WWE hadn't done much better by him despite the beloved Latino Heat character. But Eddie Guerrero was the WWE Champion?

Anything and everything seemed possible now. A world where I dated and Eddy was allowed to run with the ball--what an age we lived in. It was rumored he'd cracked due to the strees and his daily fight against alcohol and drugs he'd been in since '01, but it didn't stop us from loving Eddy any less, didn't stop us from watching his matches--

--and this is what kills me. I saw Los Guerreros once, against the World's Greatest Tag Team. December '03, if I'm remembering right. They were slowly turning Chavo heel, but as of tonight Eddy was still riding shotgun in the lowrider with him. Chavo started the match.

And everybody--everybody--was chanting for Eddy. Of course we were. We were just a wrestling crowd; that was Eddie Fucking Guerrero standing on that apron, in the heart of the real new Mexico. And Eddy, as he always did, made the crowd work for him. He looked out at us.

He began to chant for Chavo.

What else could we do? Us, wrestling crowd. He, Eddie. We chanted for Chavo. And then, some group came up with an entirely different tactic. I remember it for the innovation. I remember it for the uniqueness, because I never heard another crowd chant it. I remember how perfect it was on both the level of the match and in the long-term storyline.

We chanted...for Guerrero.

In my mind's eye, I see a lot of Eddie right now. I should be crying. It just makes me smile, honestly. I remember the smirk, the evil look he had on his way to the epic Halloween Havoc match against Rey where he was getting nuclear heat--because that's what the news showed last night--, the Scarface-style shirt I got after that date didn't lead to a happy ending (THANK YOU, BEN MORROW), the Guerreros coming down to the ring in the Sports Arena, the slingshot senton bomb...

...and the last thing.

...during Vengeance a few years back ('03?), Rhyno had run down to the ring. Instead of spearing Eddy, he speared his then-partner and longtime friend of Eddy Chris Benoit. Eddy covered up as much as he could, suddenly realized he hadn't been hit. Rhyno roared. Eddy shirked back in fear two steps. Rhyno left. Eddy looked at Rhyno departing, looked down at Benoit (still down), then looked at the center camera and gave a perfect "Fuck it, I'll take it" look complete with shrug. All those little things made Eddy awesome. But even more than that I remember now, is him flying through the air with the frog splash.

Once upon a time, Eddy had partnered with a man named Art Barr. They were the biggest heels in Mexico, quite possibly in lucha history. Eddy turned heel and renounced his heritage. This wasn't America, where our idea of getting back at you is a sign and the word "BOO!"--this is fucking Mexico, where lucha is treated like a sport, and little old ladies swing purses at you when you fall in the front row and their grandsons, if they're feeling particularly vengeful, come at you with a knife.

One day before a show, they called Art Barr's hotel room.

He didn't answer either.

They found him dead, too.

32.

That's obscene.

Enlarged heart, too.

After his death, Eddy changed finishers.

Rob got higher. D'Lo got more air.

But nobody ever, ever, did the frog splash better than Eddy Guerrero.

What happened to his partner happened to him, you could think. But Eddy at least got to taste the fruit of his labor. He got to shine. And we all loved him for it.

All I know, is that if heaven exists, Eddy and Owen are making the most devious tag team in wrestling history in the ring and laughing with the angels outside of it.

I guess what I'm saying is I should pick up Cheating Death, Stealing Life.

Because the obvious is sort of hard. Eddy was one more for playing on subtleties.





So, that's where I was.

Orale.

AvB: Friday Barometer

BUSH: The man himself, for using Veteran's Day to blast anti-war critics. If only the Daily Show was on Fridays.

BUSH: This fucking cold. There's no NyQuil in this house, and I can't sit down and get any major work done going snerk snerk snerk ptooie every 12 seconds. I'm so far behind now, and at the end of last week I was well ahead of pace. I had all this week off to do work, and of course I get sick on Monday. Unbegoddamnlievable.

BUSH: The NFL schedule sucks Sunday.

ALBA: Hopefully by the time I get in from work tomorrow there'll be some cold medicine and instead of vegetating in front of the tube Sunday I can try and make up all this ground I lost. I do have some ideas for the next few diary entries, if my head didn't hurt so much.

BUSH: Poker Room's kicked my ass this week--I'm down to like $50k from $70k in the past week.

ALBA: The Beasties have a best of CD out, for everybody who didn't get the Sounds of Science.

BUSH: My off-again on-again Internet access the past 36 hours.

ALBA: Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic, if I can muster up enough to see it tonight. Godless Sudafed.

BUSH: *snerk* *snnnnnnerk* *ptooie*

BUSH: And, of course, down goes the Internet!

BUSH: No Team Steve game because of the holiday--I hope they don't obsess over last week.

BUSH: Found out the hard way Natalie's off today, and got a voicemail about it. They know I tend to pay every other Friday, and that today's a Friday, and a national holiday--why even bother? And didn't I have you fudge packers stop sending me notices?!

BUSH: *snerk* *snnnnnnerk* *ptooie*

BUSH: I'm so bored and incapable of doing anything good I'm thinking of scuttling together a Festivus wish list. Some good stuff coming out--that new Office Space, season 2 of Scrubs...

BUSH: All my fantasy teams suck this year. I think I broke up the Patriots. Next year I'll just save myself the trouble of a season like this and just call myself the Saints.

BUSH: A check that wouldn't cover my bank and cell bill.

ALBA: 30 hours next week. That should stem the bleeding. Plus, Christmas buying presents time.

BUSH: I dread the second job I'm going to have to take for December. Is there any opening in the Playboy Mansion I could fill in on?

BUSH: Why, of course this is going to take 3½ hours to post!

This post brought to you BAH: "Dream On" by Aerosmith

Post-Teenage Fan Club

1. Post a list of your 10 favorite fandoms.
2. Have your friends guess your favorite character from the fandoms in the comments.
3. When guessed, bold the pick, give said friend a point, and post about why you like that character.

1. Scrubs (Rob: Dr. Cox): Less a man than a god. And I say this knowing I look like, and generally act like Faison.
   
2. Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back/Dogma/Chasing Amy/Mallrats/Clerks (Max: Jay): The man quotes N.W.A., smokes weed, hangs out with guys bigger than him, and never shuts up ever. Plus, he got to kiss Shannon Elizabeth. Nooch.
   
3. Fight Club (Dustin: Tyler Durden): No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly side. And in the midst of a near-crippling depression, a new dating philosophy is born that saves my ass.
   
4. Seinfeld (Rob: George): George is my favorite, obviously, because he suffers the most and still lives with his parents, thus leading him to usually have the best rants and quips on the show as he tries to find a painless suicide. This is where I got "I believe in God for the bad things" from.
   
5. Garden State (Dustin: Andrew): But only because I couldn't bring myself to say I wanted to be Natalie Portman instead of I wanted to do Natalie Portman.
   
6. Office Space (Rob: Michael Bolton): The man introduced the phrase "no-talent assclown" to the lexicon! And "federal-pound-me-in-the-ass prison"! This is the least of what I could do for him.
   
7. Kill Bill v.1 & 2 (Rob: the Bride): She kicked everybody's ass. The End.
   
8. Family Guy (Rob: Stewie): I don't exactly think I'm alone in this. Let's just say I don't have a Meg Can Grow Her Fingernails jacket that everybody loves--I have a Victory Is Mine jacket. God help you guys if I ever memorize that you-are-the-weakest-link-goodbye riff from his drama class.
   
9. Veronica Mars
10. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Jen: Xander): Jesus, you guys--the one guy with a sarcastic quip for everything who hates living at home who doesn't get any for 3 years while surrounded by hot babes--did you all just meet me or something?
    

Rob 5, Dustin 2, Jen 1, Max 1.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Digging In The Dirt" by Peter Gabriel

Opposites Attractive

Honestly, kids, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Best I can do, far as I figure, is let you know what happened and let you draw your own conclusions.

To begin with: the game. We're short a couple people, so we have somebody come in. Her name is Jennifer, and she used to play for USD's softball team. But since girls can't pitch, we put her in right. I keed, I keed. I'm borderline in love with her anyway, since she's blonde, ridiculously tall (Aaron said 5'10", I thought closer to 6"), and athletic, with a sense of humor. ANYhow, a couple guys come in right under the wire as is our custom, and we're playing the best team in the league. Before the game I was debating my "they got us beat on paper, but last I checked they don't measure heart on paper" speech I'd heard somewhere, but stowed it.

Some math even I know:

Constant fielding errors
+ best team in the league
__________________
19 -4 curbstomp

For Aaron, the speech I would've given if the team hadn't broken up faster than you can say Destiny's Child: we wanted to know where we are, now we know. We're #2 in the league. They beat us as much as we did. When playoff time comes around and we got a full roster, we'll see how it shakes out then.

When a man is depressed, there's only a handful of things to do.

After suffering through the wiggeriest wigger at Trophy's, Aaron and I go to Hooters. And things get out of control. First off, one of the waitresses looks like one of my bosses. Same hair style, same coloration, same fucking initial for her first name. So lucky she didn't work our table--

"Hi, can I help you guys?"

"Yes, you WAUGHHHHHHHHH!"

She's close to the area, though, and every time she goes by I feel a little weird.

Second of all, our waitress recognizes Aaron. She said she's seen him in before, which she has--back in July, the last time he was in any area Hooters. And he's wearing a hat. And he was sitting with me then, too! What am I, glass?

Thirdly, most importantly, most vexingly--wow, this post has a metric shitload of commas. Anyway, the whole point of a place like Hooters is to let the libido go without consequence or afterthought. You go for breasts and hope you don't find anything in the food. They know, you know, and as a result you can all have a laugh about it and dodge the fact you didn't have enough scratch to go to a strip club and really see something.

You're not supposed to go "Aww!" at Hooters.

Of course, it's what Aaron & I end up doing all night. They had a cute brunette with some blonde streaks in there, and she's tiny. So tiny I just italicized. So tiny, me--ME--looked at her and went "WOW, she is tiny." It's very Lacey Chabert, and we end up ignoring our waitress when she's not taking our orders or bringing our food to look at this waitresses because it's cuter than a 3-legged puppy fresh from the pound. She lifts a stool, it looks like one of those guys on ESPN8 throwing a refrigerator. She takes two orders at once and we're afraid she's going to tip over and fall. I mean, it's hard to muster up the proper lust for somebody when all you want to do is make them some cocoa and give them a playful punch on the chin.

So, anyway, due to his height, Aaron gets a picture with her. Sorry it's blurry.

He leaves, and I ask him an obvious question. He didn't get her name. Dumas. But then I ask him, the fucking monolith, how tall she is.

4'8", he says. Maybe even 4'6".

Good. LORD.

I am suddenly, viciously, violently, in love with her all over again. 4'8", maybe? 4'6"? Is that even legal? It's like I say about Shakira--you gotta love it when a girl's 4'11" and 3'7" of it's ass, you really gotta love it when a girl is 4'7" and 4' of it is rack. And then, because it's how I'm wired I spend the rest of the night in Lewis Blackville. Probably my dreams and tomorrow, too.

And I flip back, and she's playing softball and her hair's down, and then I flip back, and she's so small all you can see is her head and the sneakers, and I flip back and she's throwing a rope to 3rd, and I flip back--she's next to our waitress and she barely comes up to the chestline, and I flip back and it's tall blonde and I flip back and it's short brunette and finally I just threw my hands up and went WHICH ONE DO I WANT TO PLOW FIRST?!

And right before I passed out, I thought 'If it weren't for my horse...'

This post is brought to you BAH: "Blown Wide Open" by Big Wreck

AvB: Friday Barometer

ALBA: Elastica. I miss Elastica.

ALBA: So far, the novel is going good. With the minimum to get to 50k in a month 1,700 I decided to really push for getting down 2k a day, and so far have been able to do it. It hasn't come without struggle, or extreme exhaustion when I'm done most nights, but I'm on my pace which is fairly ahead of the minimum pace. Plus, I am apparently doing well and not just shoveling shit from a standing position. I'm frightened given the fact I have a 3:1 major female character to major male character in the story about writing women (the Nicholson Caveat don't work) but that seems to be going fine so far as well.

BUSH: No idea what I'm going to get down tonight. I'm about halfway through January and the next major thing coming up in my mind is early February.

BUSH: I hate having to stay up to 1 a.m. and trying to write so my mom doesn't interrupt my writing mode. I'd much rather write scene(s) in a single session, because I may write something that'll blossom into something else. And I can't do that with her running in here.

BUSH: My brother's sick, and Mom was sick earlier this week. Hand to Jessica, if these fuckers get me sick during NaNo, I'm going to make Carrie White look like a misunderstood waif. Especially given the fact it looks like I have a winning formula this year.

ALBA: Team Steve plays tonight, in their biggest challenge of the Rosser Era. We're missing some people--a couple suspiciously--but I have intristic faith my coaching abilities will lead us to the prize. I actually have a pregame speech ready, too.

BUSH: $3.something over in my checking account--$33 overage charge. Insert McEnroe soundbite here.

ALBA: The block party went well. People loved the costume.

BUSH: Running into Sophia.

ALBA: She apologized.

ALBA: Deleting her number anyway; crazy don't come out in the wash.

BUSH: Because my mom got sick on Halloween, I had to take care of her and my Grandmother, so I missed hanging out with Aaron and Merilynn. GHM. What other explanation is there? Seriously!

BUSH: Must get Christmas job. Otherwise nobody's going to get Christmas, at least from me.

ALBA: It's really sad I've been putting it off a couple days, but the novel's going real well.

BUSH: All my condolences to Danny on Steph's passing. I'd be there tomorrow if I couldn't work. But you know you have all my support, all my time, and anything else from me you need if I can give it.

R.I.P. Stephanie Lynn Womack
4.9.82 - 11.1.05

Contents Under Pressure

The plot is Brian and Holly have been best friends for 6 years who get drunk and screw on New Year's, and how the aftermath of that plays itself out throughout the year.

So, here are a few suggestions on how to handle me during these next few weeks, as my heart is beginning to race despite the fact that I can't start for another four hours.

DO realize I am using our conversations as an effort to take my mind off the fact I'm stupid enough to be doing this.

DO realize anything you say may end up in the novel, modified or not.

DON'T tell me I can't do this, because I've proven conclusively in the past two years that I can't. The whole point of this year is going in with a plan and doing the fucker.

DO offer me constructive criticism, but...

DON'T make me cry for the first time in five years. I's fragile.

DO ask me a bunch of questions. Maybe you've picked up on something I missed, maybe you know better what it's like to be an only child, or work at Starbucks, or start dating your friends (spoiler!)--I can't say I'll use every single last little thing but it's better to get agriculture reports from those who work the soil.

DON'T ask me where that metaphor came from, I don't like it much.

DO remind me stupid people have successfully written novels.

DO mention, every so often, your respect and admiration for me trying this task again despite past failures.

DON'T start laughing until you have gotten out of my hearing range, and in some cases, throwing range.

DO realize this is Priority #1 for me until after Thanksgiving, so if I seem a little meh about going to your Major Social Event or offer up grunts and stinkeyes, that you've caught me on a bad day through the valley of the shadow of death.

DO keep me awake with Big Cups. Sustenance!

DO remember I still care about you, even if the last words out of my mouth were "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! THAT COMMA JUST UNDID 16 PAGES OF WORK!"

And, of course, DO remember to pick better friends next time.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Changes" by Tupac

Dumb & Dumberer/KWBR

It was all so good.

The Rick James outfit? Apparently, a bunch of San Diegans hate their couches. If I got one picture, there were 10, if I got 1 comment, I got 50. AND I had the benefit of being the only Rick James in sight. Napoleon Dynamites? Idiots.

Lest we get too caught up in fun and joy, a point for the discernable reader to debate:

Stupider move: forgetting the glory days of your pants were the Bicentenial and losing about $15 in change as a result of not putting it in your wallet, or, running into your ex, taking her apology (possibly drunk) and readding her to your phone directory?


THE ART OF LOSING:
"Sugar, We're Going Down" (15)

15) Alicia Keys ¤ Unbreakable (13)
14) All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (9)
13) Rhymefest feat. Kanye West ¤ Brand New (debut)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (14)*
11) David Banner ¤ Play (4)

10) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (8)
09) Green Day ¤ Wake Me Up When September Ends (7)
08) Common ¤ Testify (11)*
07) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (5)
06) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (10)*

05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (6)
04) 50 Cent feat. Mobb Deep ¤ Outta Control [remix] (2)

03) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (12)*

02) White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (3)*

01) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (1) [10w]

This post is brought to you BAH: "Jungle Love" by the Steve Miller Band

You Got Mud On Your Face, You Big Disgrace

Ah. I do love the smell of fresh-cut grass in the evening.

But does it smell like victory?

So I give Aaron his v2 b-day presents (of course, both of them go over gangbusters. Why? I rule is why.) and we get out there. We don't quite have enough girls for a co-ed team, but the practice period goes good. Everybody's loose--hell, Leslie's singing "Girls Girls Girls" and I'm wondering where all my ones are--and practicing throws and stretching. I stow all my speech.

And then, of course, they give up a homer via error in the first at-bat of the game.

But something awesome happens. The girls play defense, making grabs. And a five-run first.

Soon, we're up 7-2 and I'm clearing off the mantle.

7-3 because a homer off a tree deep. I still say Lizet should've caught it. Damn tree. What good have they ever done for us?

Oh, by the way, our opponents? Despite all the defensive brilliance? Come all the way back to tie.

And yet, I don't worry during this at all. Call it karma, kizmet, fate, et al, but my feeling is "Oh. So we win in the (metaphorical) bottom of the ninth, then."

Three batters in, we do.

Victory party!

Afterparty!

Oh, no, I'm drunk and high again! Good thing I don't have to work in 11 hours, or am going to the block party to...morrow. Whoops.

I'm Butch Rosser, bitch(?)!

This post is brought to you BAH: "Deny" by Default

AvB: Friday Barometer

ALBA: Payday, bitch! Some good money out of it, too, for once.

ALBA: Took my cell bill out back and caught it upside the head with a shovel, thanks to point 1. Then, just to make sure, I hit it a few more times. HA!

ALBA: "Hustler's Ambition", which I've had bumping since this morning when I got it (as evidence by my lyrics mindset box up there). See, this is the 50 who wrote "How To Rob". Has anybody had the dominance this year he's had? Got in on and made Game, then dropped a bunch of singles, now the movie's coming out with this as the lead track off the soundtrack. If it wasn't for him I think the music industry would've officially died this year. Also: Niggerace? HA!

ALBA: "Don't Bother". Shakira. She's hot, the video's funny. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you got to love it when a woman's 4'11" and 3'7" of it is ass.

ALBA: 31, 536, 000. Fuck the failures of the last two years. I got character bios, two major characters with five secondary characters, a bunch of backstory, how I'm doing the opening 4 scenes and the ending. You want me, NaNo? Fuckin' well come and find me. I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of samiches.

ALBA: Block party tomorrow! Am I going to party until 4 and crawl into bed at 5:30 again, screaming at 2:15 the subsequent afternoon when the sun finally breaches my eyes a la Barney Gumble? Probably not. But who can say? Also, did I mention? I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH! *cackles*

ALBA: Team Steve takes the field again tonight. It doesn't matter who we're playing. Victory is ours!

ALBA: Fitzuvus! Oh, and he's still coming, just in case any of you friends of Bush Uber Alles thought you were going to get another wink of sleep for the rest of the year. Bye, Scooter! Really, isn't it past time that Cheney had another heart attack?

BUSH: Mom's unexpected off day means I can't celebrate this with my feet up blaring "I Fought The Law" with a cold 40 of Heineken as expected. Drat.

ALBA: Independent music stores, especially ones where I can get Late Registration for $10. I haven't gotten all the way into it yet, but the "Diamonds" remix is Very Necessary (Hov, for the love of Alba, stop teasing us and drop one more album!), "Touch The Sky" is awesome, and have you heard this song called "Gold Digger"? I think it's going to catch on if it gets any exposure. Plus they have a box set of Smokey Robinson & the Miracles for $30, so my Mom's birthday present next month is set.

ALBA: The new birthday presents I got Aaron, since he had the last one.

ALBA: New jeans for $15. And they're grimy-looking, too. But the preplanned sort of grimy that's hot in the streets right now.

ALBA: Got to pick up my daishiki and polyester pants from the cleaners before I go coach. Thank you, yesterday me, for putting the receipt in the keyboard holder so I'd look at it, wonder what the fuck it was, and then go "Oh, yeah! I should go get that." Way to be looking out, playboy.

BUSH: I left my sunglasses at one of the stores I bought stuff from today. Drat.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Tear It Up" by Yung Wun, DMX, Lil' Flip and David Banner