Red Letter Saturday

It isn't often one has a day that takes you to the extremes of human behavior. And I barely eased my foot off the 7 pedal; you can imagine what sort of torturted metaphor I'd be coming up with in County if I'd hit full throttle.

Beginning with the beginning...

I'd just started the shift when they walked in. At the time, I didn't realize it, but at the end of the conversation their comment would be the third to take its place in the Panthenon Of Stupid Things I've Heard At Work. (First one was "Starbucks coffee?", second was the whole "Do you make $100,000 before taxes?" standup routine.)

I'm working some sort of interior design/art show, and I'm really superfluous; pretty much pointing left for six hours. They walk up, a pair of cute blondes whose legality is an issue (and during such times the Chris Rock 20-16-12 rule is in the fullest of effects) and ask where the cheerleading competition is. I'm thrown for a second because sometime in the last two Saturdays we actually had one; however, it's reverted to the old Convention Center this week down the street. And that's when they hit the mark.

"Oh, no! We just bought tickets!"

It doesn't even register right away. It's that stupid. I look down at their hands and sure enough, one of them is clutching two red tickets to get inside the design show.

Have you ever walked up to the movie theater, waited patiently in line, and then when it was your turn walked up to the window and gone "Surprise me?" Some fun things to think about while you wait for the three minutes to be up and blood to shoot out your nose:

1. Wouldn't the absolute lack of anything else resembling a cheerleader have tipped them off?
2. Did they not realize the seperate convention centers are in different locations given the new one has been in business since the start of Bush the Elder?
3. Did they just see a line and get at the end of it?
4. Did they fail to see the three signs posted outside stating this was the interior design expo?
5. Aren't they fortunate they're attractive, as otherwise they would starve and/or accidentally kill themselves?

So I send them on their way. They end up selling the tickets outside. And as they walk away, I think to myself: If it weren't for my horse...

Needless to say, nothing else happened that got within a time zone of that moment. A shame it happened in the first hour, but then again it gave me plenty of time to run around retelling the story. As I said, "A dumb blonde cheerleader--way to break the stereotype, sister!" So, if you hear me use the phrase "I just bought tickets!" at any point during the next, say, millennium...ya know.

After work I met up with Danny. I get to tell him the story over dinner. He started thinking about it, and would stop, and just start breaking up. I Can't Possibly Imagine Why. By the way, dinner? FOODGASM. We went to a Mexican place and I had one of the greatest creations to come out of Mexico since Salma Hayek: bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp. So many things could've gone wrong: shrimp too tiny, shrimp undercooked, bacon undercooked, bacon overcooked, bacon tiny. But the smell is awesome and pungent, the shrimp are the size of my fist and at least a whole slice of bacon is wrapping them up to the tail. I'm literally almost hesitant to eat, as I know once I sink my teeth into this there will be no going back; merely a line of demarcation between the pre- and post-days. But I do it.

You know the orgasmic payoff to Tantric sex? It's like that only the orgasm is internal. I roll it around in my mouth, getting surprised. For every taste of shrimp, bacon follows or vice versa or it's a bbs sbs ssb sort of misasma that just falls apart in your mouth. And I know what you're thinking, that with a metaphor like that it can't get any better.

My ass.

Shove it in a hot tortilla, add some beans, cheese and salsa. Yes, the only thing better than bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp is a bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp BURRITO. And the rice underneath even tasted like bacon! I would've settled for the bacon-flavored rice, let alone the shrimps!

So when we finish that and there's a wait for our pool table, I make a run and wash down that heavenly goodness that actually made me stop making Corona with its only dessert equal: Oreo Blizzard.

Pool went great, as Danny sucks as much as I do and some guy kicked it with us and bought us a drink. It's weird being in the club so often and then getting adjusted to being outside at 12:30.

So, PB. Giving me good dates, hot girls on the dance floor, Glenda & Brenda, bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp.

This summer is going to blow up like Paris' phone book.

Ambient music: #14, T.I.'s "You Don't Know Me"

Rosser Hot Fifteen

INTO THE GREAT WIDE OPEN:
"U Make Me Wanna", 7; "1, 2 Step", 11; "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)", 14

15) U2, "All Because Of You" (13)
14) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (debut)
13) Jennifer Lopez, "Get Right" (9)
12) the Alchemist feat. Nina Sky, Prodigy, & Illa Ghee, "Hold You Down" (debut)
11) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (10)

10) the Game feat. 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (6)
09) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (debut)
08) T-Weaponz feat. Pitbull & Notch, "Mira Mira" (8)*
07) Frankie J, "Obsession" (15)*
06) Ludacris, "Get Back" (4)

05) T.I., "Bring Em Out" (12)*
04) Lloyd Banks feat. Avant, "Karma" (3)

03) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers And Friends" (1)

02) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (5)*

01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (2) [2w]

Ambient music: Disturbed - Prayer

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah HAIL EASTLAKE HIGH!

Copped it from the Court Jester.

YEAR YOU GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL...

What year was it?
9d7 represent!

What were your favorite bands?
R.E.M. and Nirvana. What the hell was I thinking?! (sarchasm)

What was your favorite outfit?
I didn't have one, since this was the pre-throwback era for yours truly. Always about jeans, though. I don't know, I had a wide assortment of shorts I just gave to Goodwill last year so it's one of those.

What was up with your hair?
If it was there, it was short. Just the way I likes it now with the exception of the winter months.

Who were your best friends?
Same squad I roll with now: Amanda, Ivan, Dustin, Jeremy, Cecelia, Michelle, Joe, Brian, Greg, Jason, Diane, all them...MIKE! Holy shit. Is Mike still alive?!

What did you do after school?
Went home and did my homework. Sometimes I busted out to go the girls ball or the football games but for the most part I was a good boy. Didn't do shit to help my math grades, but I tried.

Did you take the bus?
Hell, yes! Ran in a pack with Jeremy, Amanda & the Bouchers and a bunch of people I forgot, told dirty jokes, talked shit about teachers, put "WE'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!" signs against the window and practically cried every time it was next to another car at a red light. Good thing I did it before cell phones took over 'cause somebody would've sued my ass for hitting the 911 on their speed dial.

Who did you have a crush on?
Annie Morrissey, and Mariel Fernandez. I think every guy who went to Eastlake in that four-to-six year period is gonna be telling Mariel Fernandez stories until Alzheimer's takes the memories away. Christo With The Orange Drapes, I had a thing back then for short and stacked. AND younger, wow. Didn't anyone in the senior class do something for me?

[yes, this is the one thing I'm going to look up courtesy of the yearbook]

And I just ran into Sophia for the first time in a month thanks to this...we weren't even on each other's radars...and with a shake of his head, he goes further down the rabbit hole...

Not a single senior. UNbelievable.

Did you fight with your parents?
Not until May, at which point began my "downward spiral" into the cursing, selfthestic schitzophrenic you read before you today. It was mostly my mother, per usual.

Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?
So about the Love Hewitt love it wasn't funny. Who the hell knew freaking Claudia was going to grow up to be a Regulation Hottie?

Did you smoke cigarettes?
Couldn't. Assmar.

Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?
Nigga, I lugged all of my books around in my backpack all day because we HAD NO lockers. And boy, did it piss off my parents when for the Teacher Night I made them carry out over hill and dale across campus. I think my dad had basic training flashbacks.

Did you have a clique?
Hell, yes. We all hung out by the library like the Island of Misfit Toys. We all could've been in other cliques, and sometimes were, but like every episodic TV we usually ended up with each other. Maybe that's why we're still more or less together even now.

Did you have "The Max" like Zach, Kelly & Slater?
It had to have been somebody's house because the development hadn't happened yet. They were building it but it was nowhere near done. Now the school is bracketed on all sides by big-ass malls and six figure homes. A good thing, too, because with a Krispy Kreme down the hill I would've been pushing 4 bills for graduation.

Who did you want to be just like?
Mr. Knox, my social sciences teacher who combined a deft mind with a sharp wit and was still extremely well-liked. (The fact we were all cheating behind his back in circles on tests due to his obsessive work with women's volleyball ain't hurt nuthin', either.)

What did you want to be when you grew up?
Same thing I want now: fucking somebody out of my league in a house I shouldn't be able to afford.

Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?
I didn't have a clue then, and maybe it shows.

What classes did you take?
Holy shit, this'll be interesting.

I took Drama and loved the shit out of it. Honors English, mos def. Maybe it was AP English--yeah, AP English, honors Social Studies, economics, algebra (that I technically got a 58 in but MRS. RUST~! let me slide into graduation with a D-), typing, I think...I know library aide was in there--is that 7? It is!

Music I happened to see in the vicinity and switched it to for symmetry: Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

More, More, MORE!

More 9s than fifth grade, more spares than a rib joint, and more strikes than the NHL.

123.
141.
134.
And 159, setting a new record in the process to cap off far and away my best night of bowling ever. The average is now up almost three points and is nearly doubled from when I first debuted the Sinister Fling full-time last year. Best of all, I finally got to do my celebratory strike dance, consisting of me humping the aisle and having a post-coital cigarette.

It was real good for me too, baby. You were the best.

Ambient music: Stevie Wonder - I Wish

Farmers! WHAT!? Farmers! WHAT?!

(For the 'rasslin fans only, I should add...)

And in the local TCF news, Butch Rosser with a triumphant comeback. But tonight...

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK!

Ambient music: Slipknot - My Plague

Blow Em Out

After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I’m an expert on Shakespeare and that’s a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I’m hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.

Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers? Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.

Maybe I’ll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.

I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.

Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that’s enough,
There surely must be more.

Love ain’t the answer nor is work,
The truth eludes me so much it hurts.
But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.
--Jamie Cullum, "Twentysomething"

Drinking While Black: Super Ballin' XXVI

I remember back back in the day I used to do this column for APA, and it went away due to sobriety via depression. Well, it's a new year, so I figure why the hell not?

The new DWB ranks the evening in four major categories:

• Atmosphere. Was there drama? Certain delicious costumes? Did I get hassled by the Man? This is 60% of the overall grade.
• Food & drink. C'mon, it's right there in the title. Considering something needs to be in the tummy to cushion the blow, did I lay down the red carpet or a bunch of urine-soaked broken glass? 10%.
• Location. Also the fear factor, as in: did I fear for my life at any point? Or did I feel like I didn't belong in the fun I'm-getting-away-with-something sort of way? 10%.
• Music. Crucial, especially in club excursions. Did I hear a good mix of tunes, or was it that damn Nelly & Tim McGraw song 49 times in a row until I punched the DJ out and got sent to county? 57846437%. Or 20%, whatever.

ATMOSPHERE
Really good early as the old "tell them 8:15 to get them there by 8:30" SDCC mentality paid dividends. I had my Rick James wig on and it turns out we actually were put in a private room known as the Champagne Room. Couldn't be more serious. Stupid me, however, sat not facing the crowd since there was no head of the table and missed out on the eye candy. Sigh. It was nice to get my friends together especially since I hadn't seen some of them in ages, and it was even better to get a picture of my pimp chalice in progress. (HAH?) I spent a lot of time looking for Ivan, and then when we couldn't find him and proclared him dead it cast a real pall over the dinner.

(Luckily, he's only in a coma. <-- Joke. ) Despite that, everyone got along. Met up with a couple of people at On Broadway, which was obscenely packed per the usual. Atmosphere was great, even if my eyes suffered whiplash and whatnot. Prices one has to pay, is all. I only wish the DJ had actually screwed more than once every 45 minutes so I could've ran around to the other rooms in the place and inside the bank vault. Three stars out of four.

FOOD & DRINK
Self-prepared medium well sirloin steak (the leftovers made a good sandwich during the Bowl), some of the best onion rings and big cut fries on the face of the Earth, and four Purple Hooters. I don't know the scientific explanation for it, but alcohol made it good. Oh, and I drank two shots of something-or-other at On Broadway. No roofies, no anal leakage. Skoal! Four stars.

LOCATION
Part 1 took place at the Gaslamp Strip Club, which as usual was going off on a Saturday night. One of my favorite places in town to eat, and definitely my most favorite to cook considering the view. Once I'd gorged myself like a Roman god it was off to the best dance club in town three years running, On Broadway. The line was surprisingly short, and like a G I pulled up around 11 when things were pretty much in swing and going off and hung in there until they shut the fucker down. Four stars. Would've gotten five if Aaron danced, six if he'd done the Robot.

MUSIC
Luckily, didn't hear that damn Nelly & Tim McGraw song. Gaslamp played a bunch of the Tribe Called Quest Anthology and some old Beasties stuff. At On Broadway, good mix of the newer stuff with the classics ("Big Poppa", "Ain't No Fun") . But no "Lovers & Friends" as the evening was winding down? For SHAME. Four stars. If someone ever plays Lighter Shade of Brown's "Hey DJ" again, that'd be a great way to get five stars, hint hint.

So overall, doing the math, it was a 3.4 star night, which is excellent bordering on immortal. Considering some of the notable abscences that's a hell of a number.

Could've used some Brenda & Glenda, but I'd say that about a funeral...

Ambient music: Mercy Drive - Away

Rosser Hot Fifteen

NO MORE:
"Drop It Like It's Hot", 7, "This Fire", 8, "Vertigo", 15

15) Frankie J, "Obsession" (debut)
14) My Chemical Romance, "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" (12)
13) U2, "All Because Of You" (13)*
12) T.I., "Bring Em Out" (debut)
11) Ciara feat. Missy Elliott, "1, 2 Step" (9)

10) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (11)*
09) Jennifer Lopez, "Get Right" (10)*
08) T-Weaponz feat. Pitbull & Notch, "Mira Mira" (14)*
07) Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey, "U Make Me Wanna" (3)
06) The Game feat. 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (debut)

05) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (5)*
04) Ludacris, "Get Back" (2)

03) Lloyd Banks feat. Avant, "Karma" (4)*

02) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (6)*

01) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris (1) [6w]

Ambient music: De La Soul - Me, Myself & I

Song of the Determinate Time Period, 4 Feb 2K5

Yeah, It's 50 cent, Young Buck

G-g-g-g-g-G-UNIT!



We get the club jumpin' from beginning to the end

Go shawty, we back up in this bitch again

We party, harder than you can imagine

You can run wit losers, or run wit winners and win



I feel attention when I walk in the club

G-unit to the socks, bitches all on a thug

Gimme a henny on the rocks, and a bottle of bub

I dont need security, this Gorilla enough

I came to ball wit ya'll, pop the bar and all

So bitches call ya hoes, n niggaz call ya dogs

If you love ya wife keep her at home tonight

She might neva come home again nigga, aight!

Teeth, neck, wrists all lights my lifes like

Ridin' in Ca$hville runnin all stop lights

Homie is that real, I pray I keep livin

My momma jus hadda dream of seein me in prison

My daddys a dope fein, n i dont really miss him

Aint seen him in 10 years n a nigga still livin

Tha same ol' 2 step we move to a rhythm

50 holla get em' Buck, you know im gunna get em'

Raaaaa!



[Chorus x2]

I know you gonna let me shine n get mine

I know you gonna let me in wit this nine

I know you gonna smoke on my weed

I know you gonna let me drink wit no I.D



I know im sinnin but im winnin at tha same time

Take a couple shots from a nigga tryin ta take mine

I'm back on tha block, wit a choppa n a tech nine

Niggaz shootin cops n the hood runnin stop signs

G-UNIT, The Game! Bitches doin wat tha thugs do

G's, D's, Vice, Lords, Crips n the Blooz too

Move lemme come through 

Aint a pair of handcuffs, can hold me

I'm ridin' in the ol' school listenin to some oldies

My goals keep shinin, Them hoes keep cryin

The handle of my 45 outlined in diamonds

Just left Ca$hville, bout to fly to Miami

Hopin Yayo watchin Eminem, preform at the Grammys

Niggaz like Eric Benet, prolly cant stand me

I know money will make Halle Berry come outa them panties

Bitch!



Ya'll niggaz in trouble they shoulda neva let me in (in)



[Chorus x2]



Bet ya I can make them bounce back

Teach em' how to stunt, teach em' how to counts stacks (yeah)

Now where ya hood at? Buck

If you want to, we 50 deep up in here watchu gonna do

Who want beef, I aint come for no name callin

Dont be mad cuz we is n you aint ballin'

Gettin' money is my motto for you broke folks

Can't spend ya whole life payin on ya car notes

It's alright if you still on the block boy

See ima cold young thug, not a hot boy

You know I do this for the streets, n my peeps thas behind bars

As soon as they come home, I'll go n buy them all cars

Young Buck!



[chorus x2]



We get the club jumpin' from beginning to the end

Go shawty, we back up in this bitch again

We party, harder than you can imagine

You can run wit losers, or run wit winners that win

AHH!



--Young Buck feat. 50 Cent, "Let Me In"



Oh, yeah.  I'm READY.

On A Very Special Birthday Edition Of Starfuckers, Inc...

The title spoils everything...

This turns 1. Shortly I will turn 26. Let's do it.

Hey! Look Over There!:
Halle Berry, 18; Heidi Klum 21

26) Kim Smith (re-entry, peak 20)
25) Kitana Baker (both 10)
24) Eliza Dushku (14/3)
23) Lacey Chabert (debut)
22) Sofia Vergara (19/8)
21) Natalie Portman (20/8)

20) Anna Kournikova (23/6)
19) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, peak 16)
18) Pam Anderson (24/12)
17) Beyonce Knowles (17/4)
16) Gloria Velez (25/12)
15) Esther Baxter (16/15)
14) Jamie Pressly (15/7)
13) Adriana Lima (7/3)
12) Kristanna Loken (12/8)
11) Carmen Electra (15/8)

TEN
Salma Hayek (11/10)

NINE
Brooke Burke (3/1)

EIGHT
Lindsay Lohan (8/3)

SEVEN
Rachel Bilson (13/7)

SIX
Josie Maran (9/6)

FIVE
Vida Guerra (7/5)

FOUR
Angelina Jolie (5/1)

THREE: Eva Longoria (4/3)

TWO: Trish Stratus (2/1)

THE FUTURE MRS.: Jessica Alba (1)

UPGRADE!: Gloria Velez, 9
Downfall: Kitana Baker, 15

Ambient music: Travis - Baby One More Time (live & acoustic)