The 2005 Barometer

You better get something from the icebox and a cold beverage now. ..this post took an hour over four days in fifteen-minute incriments.

Buckle up.

ALBA: To Victor for introducing this concept as the Cindys last year, which I replicated with the Albas, which mutated into this when I co-co-opted (call the dictionary people) Matt the Basketball's For and Against format and revamped it into something more selfcentric.

BUSH: For earning this name all year long.

ALBA: See above. Oh, hey, this e-mail just returned back from the server...

To: world@earth.net
From: butchman79@hotmail.com
Subject: Jessica Alba
Text:

I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SIX YEARS AGO! DIDN'T I tell you!?! Get your late-pass-having asses the fuck off my bandwagon!

BUSH: Sophia. Could've had something, but apparently Hey Jealousy isn't just a Gin Blossoms song. You live, you learn, she's fucking nutso, you learn...

ALBA: Brenda & Glenda, even if I haven't seen them since. And I thought that was going to be the highpoint of my year.

ALBA: Getting more awesome at bowling. I haven't in too long. But I'm a pin away from doubling my formerly pathetic average!

ALBA: "Oh, no! We just bought tickets!"

BUSH: Not going to Miami. I think.

ALBA: Poker. It's not just fun--it turns out I'm good. Turn-out-a-minor-profit good. The Dark Horse (™ Dule Hill?) will continue riding over the competition in the aught-six.

ALBA: My triumphant return to the stage. I make an awesome Randal. I'm a berzerker...

BUSH: Britney Spears. Bitch, what the fuck happened to you!?

BUSH: Christina Aguilera, for getting married and quiet. See above comment.

ALBA: Kevin Federline. The man's sitting on nine figures and trades up a pregnant chick for a global superstar who doesn't sign prenup? Maybe some people hate on the style he creates 'cause it's straight 2008--I just want to know when I can go to the Learning Annex and take his class.

ALBA: Killing the dresser. It had to die for the greater good.

ALBA: Emptying the accounts to see Snoop & the Game...

BUSH: How was I supposed to know Snoop would come back two more times in the subsequent eight months?

ALBA: Keith Olbermann--or as I like to call him, the Way, the Truth, and the Light...

ALBA: Playing High Fidelity with Liz over the best hot chocolate in the county, back when she was around.

ALBA: Buying X & Y & Crunk Juice & Late Registration.

BUSH: "What songs other than Fix You/Lovers And Friends/Gold Digger?"

BUSH: The 1st Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam. It was like Paul's Boutique--everyone who got loved it, but there were only like 5 of y'all. It was too ahead of it's time, I suppose.

ALBA: The deal I scored in July. (To be continued...)

BUSH: I didn't meet Natalie Portman, and as a result she didn't get to meet her "baby" or record The Best Answering Machine Message In The History Of Mankind.

BUSH: That month between the end of the Comic-Con and before The Trip, during which I have no recollection whatsoever. That was my evil twin what tried to juggle 3 girls, said all the bad things about the President, and didn't tip.

BUSH: Chappelle getting replaced by Carlos "Ned" Mencia is like going to bed with Victoria Silvstedt and waking up with the bus driver from South Park.

ALBA: Tom Cruise is crazy!

ALBA: The guy who left his 3 iPod minis...

ALBA: ...and the look on his face when I said I hadn't seen them.

MOTHER. FUCKING. ALBA.: VEGAS, BABY! How many Albas can I fit into this Alba? Let's find out! Cheap deal on a four-day weekend to a major hotel (3)! Going with my best friends! (5) Seeing the best DJ walking the face of the planet for free (7)! Staying up allllllll night long and going to bed at 7 a.m. (8)! Up at 4 with breakfast at 5 (9)! Getting wasted and walking around (10)! Swimming and not dying to some of my favorite songs (12)! Tom Jones--who--TOM JONES--who--TOM JONES! (13)! Taking a limo to the World's Largest Strip Club and kicking it all night with an awesome woman who happens to be a stripper and can get her legs behind her head and yours while you sip the Heineken and gives lapdances the way they're meant to be had (436,264)! VEGAS, BABY!

ALBA: Steve Gilliard's blog --> which I found in the wake of Katrina.

ALBA: Those poor innocent Carolina cheerleaders.

BUSH: Debt. Vegas, baby.

ALBA: Veronica Mars! One of these days I'm going to hurt something trying to make sweet love to Kristen Bell through the television.

ALBA: My Space.

BUSH: None of you told me! Yes, I'm still pissed! Yes, you deserve to die, and I hope you burn in hell!

ALBA: Patrick Fitzgerald, Hero To Millions.

ALBA: Aaron's birthday party, because it was the shiiiiiiiiiiit.

ALBA: Coaching a bunch of ragtag misfits to the playoffs, 'cause that's how I roll.

BUSH: Tom Cruise is crazy.

ALBA: Halloween weekend. I (was) Rick James, bitch! Got "Give It To Me" baby played in the club just by showing up, got a couple dozen picture requests, got a bunch of people wanting me to fuck their couches, and got the lid shut on the whole Sophia thing. A celebration, indeed.

BUSH: The cancellation of two awesome comedies, Arrested Development and Taradise.

BUSH: Another NaNoWriMo implosion.

ALBA: Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic. And, since I forgot to mention their awesome NC17ness earlier, the Aristocrats.

BUSH: Eddy's passing.

ALBA: Miss S. '06, here we come? He wishes.

ALBA: the Boondocks, for stepping into the aforementioned void.

THE ALBA: Y'all. It doesn't matter if it's Rob bringing me up with one hand and smacking me with the other, it doesn't matter if KRS-One doesn't know the difference between a Cheerio and a Hello, it doesn't matter if Jen's all the way on the other side of the country, it doesn't matter that KMB's Jewish because we share DNA, it doesn't matter that Aaron had the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER, it doesn't matter Amanda's in LA (currently Vail, but bear with me), it doesn't matter Ivan has the short term memory of a fruit fly, it doesn't matter if you're Team Steve and that's how I met you or if you knew me before and were horrified at the memory, or one of the Potentials that didn't come through or the one that might...it doesn't matter.

You do.

Thanks for everything.

And catch you in the '06.

np: "Hook" by Blues Traveler