The Best Music Of 2006

Now, usually I have something deep to say that sums up the year. And I'll get to it.

But first, to the progenitors of "Chicken Noodle Soup", "Chain Hang Low", BALLIN'!, people bringing sexyback months after the song came out, and "everything Rihanna did this year", I have but one thing to say to you: when I see you, it's not going to be pretty. And by 'not going to be pretty', I mean I will punch you all in the face with a speeding U-Haul.

You ask for Hova to come back and he half-asses it. You ask for your horizons to widen and suddenly you're listening to "Scentless Apprentice" backgrounding "Soul Survivor". And just when you think you'll never get to hear Cee-Lo without a backpack on...yeah.

In awards held prior to the ceremony: Night Ripper from Girl Talk got Album of the Year (seriously, the lead track has "Wait" over "Bittersweet Symphony"--and yes, he's using BSS because he could get sued for the 250ish samples on this--immediately followed by "I Ain't Heard Of That" over "Wonderwall" in 40 of the best seconds of the year. And knowledgeable enough about his skills to end with "Neva Eva". What's that Lil' Flip says? Game over?)

Everything I mentioned up in paragraph two tied for Axis Of Evil of the Year, and since they narrowly missed the top 25 the Arctic Monkeys will have to make do with Opening Line of the Year from their near-ubiquitous single "I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor": Stop making the eyes at me, I'll stop making the eyes at you. If I had a nickel for every time I thought that.

And in the second-biggest non shock of these proceedings, somehow OK Go managed to win Video of the Year. (BTW, Hinder talking shit about how OK Go doesn't rock is like K-Fed telling Clark Kent to get a job.)

Anyways...yes, let's...commence...

YET THE BRAIN KICKIN', THINKING OF 1,000 THINGS (HONORABLE MENTION)
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Tell Me Baby
NeYo - SexyLove
the Roots - Don't Feel Right
the Killers - When You Were Young
Pharrell feat. Kanye - Number 1
Weezer - Perfect Situation
Big Boi & the Purple Ribbon All-Stars - Kryptonite (I'm On It) GEORGE MASON WHAT
Kelly Clarkson - Walk Away

I KNOW. I KNOW! YEP. YEAH, YOU TOO.
25) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance
I also only look for sympathy by the act of doing it. So I know where the kids are coming from here.

RIFF of the Year
24) Pearl Jam ¤ Life Wasted
Amount of time it took to win Riff of the Year: 6 seconds. Some Tenworthy stuff from the last survivors of grunge, a motivational speech with the kick in the ass guitar-supplied.

23) Beyonce feat. Jay-Z ¤ Deja Vu
Apparently this is where all the better rhymes went for Sean this year. Not quite "Crazy In Love", but it's good enough.

22) She Wants Revenge ¤ Tear You Apart
Joy Division and Pete Rock's bastard child talk about animal lust with a wholly depressing stutter behind it. Which just makes the animal lust stand out all the more.

21) John Mayer ¤ Waiting On The World To Change
20) Dixie Chicks ¤ Not Ready To Make Nice

Dear George,

Just wait until November.

Love, John.

Dear George,

Hello. Our names are Martie, Emily, and Natalie. You killed our careers for a couple years. Prepare to die.

P.S. FUCK YOU. Stronger message to follow.

Sincerely,
the Dixie Chicks.

19) the Bravery ¤ Unconditional
A great song that New Order didn't write...I guess...about the less fun upside of being single: the constant flip-flop of not caving vs. wanting someone in your life.

18) Yung Joc ¤ It's Goin' Down
Come on, it's okay. Just do the dance. Nobody's looking.

17) Regina Spektor ¤ Fidelity
I swear next year I'll have a Horribly Underplayed Song of the Year category. A kinda-sorta love song so great Veronica Mars used it, even if it didn't ultimately break the title character's fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaalll.

16) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen
The winners of last year's Line of the Year almost pulled it off again this year with any of the first four lines, praised their own personal saviors, had some adult beverages, got in a fight, and provided another 3½ minutes of feet-stomping singalong rock'n'roll the way it used to beish. No wonder everybody loves these guys!

15) Three 6 Mafia ¤ Stay Fly
The best part of a great party jam happens right off in the background: you're my peeps/'till I die...But nobody remembers that because the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chorus sticks in your he-he-he-he-he-head. Shit, where do you think Regina Spektor got the idea? And Girl Talk's minute of this over "1979" is phenawesomenal.

14) Cassie ¤ Me & U
A model-looking chick--except with the actual pedigree--drums up enough courage to make her move, now, over a beat I'm almost positive got lifted from the Bravery.

13) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick
You know, for a talented guy you'd think he'd have some concept of what exactly a self-fulfilling prophecy entails...

12) Death Cab For Cutie ¤ I Will Follow You Into The Dark
Feel the love.

11) Fall Out Boy ¤ A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me'
This shouldn't made the top 25. The song was too short. The title was too long. The video was too goofy. And it was the 3rd single after two other hit singles. So why did this chart so high for me? Because I am the progeny of people who actually set their clocks late so they're always early, and I've blown it with a girl. Or 47.

And now, for the creme de la menthe!

10) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N Luv With A Stripper (remix)
Been there. Done that. Got the receipt to prove it. And the fact this song starts off as a barely revved up acoustic guitar...there is great, and then there is really great. This would be the second.

9) Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland ¤ Promiscuous
What happened to my crunchy fair-voiced baby!? Minutes later, I realized I didn't care. Much as I thought Kevin Smith was making a mistake with Clerks II that ended up turning into one of my favorite movies of the year, Miss Nash rebounded from "Powerless (Say What You Want)" dying a quick death a couple years ago with her strongest outing to date, Timbaland providing beats and banter all the way. "I Got A Man" for the new generation, and I mean that in the most positive of ways.

8) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky
Literally inches away from Video of the Year. The whole President Nixon-Nia Long-'Gold Digger" callback-standing by TV bumper interlude was damn near too funny for words. Oh, by the way, this song also features Kanye's expert wordplay, a great horn section, and some kid named Lupe.

7) E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak ¤ Tell Me When To Go
That's what going stupid is? I've been doing that since Hammer days! Despite possibly making me engage in legal action, the Bay Area veteran's missile into the middle class did so many great things this year you could find it emulated by A's fans, Playboy cover girls, and thankfully let Lil' Jon finally make a little bit of cash from this music thing. Is it weird because of a certain period between '99 and '01 and how I roll I think of stunna shades as Christian shades?

HOOK of the Year
6) T.I. ¤ What You Know
Allow me to invent a genre, so far as I know: menacing bounce. Look up this song in the hip-hop dictionary, and if it's the new edition that's where you'll find it. "Going Back To Cali": Less Than Zero:: this :: ATL.

5) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. New Booty
Please, please, no USC quarterbacking jokes. When you run into your first-ever high school crush after about a decade, and you love a song, and she really loves a song, yeah, that's a slight advantage in your quest to get in good at a year-ending list. Plus, I'm an ass man by nature anyhow. Ah, memories...

4) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist
Not only did they almost win hook of the year again, about six lines from this got line of the year consideration. This is a sign of a Very Good Band. The shortest song on Get Behind Me Satan's singles list is so simple and accurate that the only imperfection is it's only two and a half minutes long instead of 3 or 4.

3) the Raconteurs ¤ Steady, As She Goes
Dude, I just got finished bigging you up. Jesus. Fine, fine, fine: when I heard VM was coming up with a new open, I deemed this after a couple short months as the only song that could really replace "We Used To Be Friends". It had it all: thinking you found a friend, a great riff, and that insistent end of Are you steady nowwwwwww? signifying anything but. At least I haven't had too much to think yet.

LINE of the Year
2) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along
If I'd had a better year, Kanye would've gotten this accolade. And maybe even this spot. Instead, the Everybody Hurts-style song summed up damn near the entirety of my 2006. Miss dating opportunities? Caretaker 50 hours a week for free? Get fired for your first offense? Get creditors calling you daily? Run into three figures and two phones worth of debt? Lose your room? Lose your cable? Lose your grandmother? Have your mom revert back to what she was? Have to keep pretending you have a job because your mom reverts back to what she was?

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

It almost makes the fact the lead guy's attached to Kim Smith forgiveable, if you ask me.

1) Gnarls Barkley ¤ Crazy
About as big a shock as Jessica Alba winning my hottie list every 2 months. And just about as big a cakewalk. It's a remarkable thing for a song to be played everywhere for months on end and your instinct time and time again is to turn it up to 11. Yes, everywhere. Hip-hop. Top 40. Pop. Alternative. The fucking jazz station, for god's sake. And who would've thought they'd get the last ha ha ha with a club banging electro hip-hop orchestral tune about insanity? Bless their souls. And doubly bless their awesome live show I need to see next year, assuming I ever get money again.