"There's one thing I hate about San Diego. How can anyone be depressed? You have 70 degrees outside and 10 straight weeks with the sun. You're depressed?! Fuck you! If you're depressed here, it's your own fucking fault!"

OK, everything from my neck up is in pain. But a good--f--great kind of pain. I mean I haven't felt this good about anything in so long thinking back is making my headache.

So here you go, the review of Comedy Central Live.

First off, they decide for maximum effect they must hold this congregation in the fancy-schmaniest place in town. So you have a bunch of twentysomethings all crawling into this joint that like hosts An Evening With Graham Nash type stuff so I can hear some guy go "Of course Kobe didn't know how to rape that girl--he didn't go to college!" I asked the guy next to me "When's the Pope coming out to deliver the Mass?". THAT fancy. I mean, Roman architecture, high ceilings, chandeliers, tortured visages lining the walls!

In retrospect, I should've bought a tape recorder.

Secondly, for the first time in recorded history (hello, sarcasm, my old friend...) every single hot girl is dating some guy. Literally, it was like how I see the world anyways except magnified writ large. If I could've found a hot single girl laughing through Lewis Black's rant against the Bottled Water Conspiracy I'm pretty sure I could've found some late-night place downtown to elope with 'em. I may even be kidding.

So after a quick run to the ATM, I buy the new Lewis Black CD and the shirt (The Good--Hedberg, The Bad--Lewis, & The Fugly--Attell). Ironically enough, Black's new CD is called the End of the Universe, about the spot in Houston where there's a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks. I say that because not fifteen minutes ago I passed the end of the universe in our town, and it's the same thing. One's in a mall, and the one across the street is a drive-through. There's a pic of the Houston one on the CD. The End of the Universe is LESS THAN SIX BLOCKS FROM MY HOUSE.

The opening opening act gets out there. I've never seen him before but he does a funny Kobe riff about how Kobe raped that girl, made him kiss his dick, and made sure she spelled his name right: T I M D U N C A N. He's got to settle down the noisy jackasses in the balcony cheap seats because he's not A Name. For the first time I am not one of them. Eighth row. This stunned me. Crazy.

So, anyhow, he blows through 10 minutes (about half Kobe-related), and he's good. Then, he introduces Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch Hedberg comes out to "In Da Club". That's right, because when I think 50, I think Mitch Hedberg. For the unknowing (and shame on your monkey ass times a double)watching Mitch Hedberg's act is like watching the Big Lebowski do standup. He does the old school "Smokey is way more intense in person" and the part about knocking on the wall, and tells a joke twice. He fucks up a couple times and we all roar. He's hilarious, and his 20 blows by and I'm ready to anoint him Funniest Motherfucker Alive.

This is what Dave Attell says to that: YOINK.

The warmup act literally said about six sentences and brought out Dave Attell to Missy's "Work It". See appropriate comments above with Mitch and replace accordingly. Dave, what do you think about women having alternate ways of stimulation?

"Why are guys afraid of vibrators? Can you cuddle with a vibrator? Will a vibrator pay for your abortion? Does a vibrator come in your face and make sure you have a hot cloth to wipe it off with afterwards? No. So don't worry about it."

30 minutes of that. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner by unanimous decision and NEW Funniest Motherfu hup hup hup hup hup hup hup hup!

Wha...

Tha...

THAT'S "BACK IN BLACK"

OH, MY GOD!

LEWIS BLACK IS HERE! AND HE'S GONNA FIGHT!

Watching Lewis Black do an hour--an hour--of standup is in some way like the dreams I have about Jessica Alba come to life. He gets a semi-standing ovation and immediately freaks out.

95% new stuff too, just like Dave & Mitch. I mean, he went on a tirade on bottled water for the second half of the show. I couldn't stop laughing. I'd be laughing from one joke, then a new punchline would hit about the nutrition facts and hey since my mouth's hanging open already...

There's an Arnold rant at the end, and he's calmly going insane and bitchslapping the idiots in the balcony and he's wondering what happened to the deficit and how if you're going to fly to New Zealand for 22 hours they could at least speak a different language...you get the idea.

An hour of Lewis Black. Hey, he's the reigning stand-up comedian of the year, so, Dave, give him his belt.

"'Show your tits?' I expect that in Los Angeles. Not here in San Diego."

Yeah, I'm sorry I'm not doing this the tiniest bit of justice and I really should've snuck in a tape recorder. My fault.

So basically this ruled the free world, those commie fucks, the Taliban, the cute koala bear infestation Mitch had (way better than cockroaches), and everything ever in perpetuity throughout the universe forever and ever amen.

If you didn't know before, steal the mp3 and FIND. THE HELL. OUT! Capishe?

Currently playing: LL Cool J doing "Mama Said Knock You Out" unplugged