Son Of Broken Resolutions

DO NOT wonder what you're going to do with the little bit of extra time you have when you unexpectedly get off two hours early. It's called Panda Express and the biggest mall in town down the block.

DO NOT show up at a party right after it begins. What are you, in A/V?

DO call friends before you get drunk for a change.

DO rock the lime of the side of your pimp cup.

DO put on your Dr. Wagner tricolor mask and have a sip.

DO take a picture to prove it.

DO NOT keep track of how many people compliment the chalice, eventually you will lose the number.

DO run back across the block to work and check your bag for a few hours so you don't have to worry about it.

DO start dancing out of nowhere, because if you're going to go overboard go overboard.

DO wander into the background of news programs transmitting live. Why? To fuck with people, duh.

DO keep drinking.

DO keep drinking.

DO keep dancing.

DO let them come to you.

DO befriend the local radio stations' street teams.

DO remember to look for yourself on their websites when you sober up.

DO take off the mask when you get too hot, per the orders of Lloyd Banks.

DO NOT keep dancing about when the rain flurry happens; you're already the Mayor of the joint. You have Nothing Left To Prove.

DO remember to get your shit back from work.

DO NOT chalk up someone eventually copping the Wagner mask as an act of fate; by all reasonable accounts you should be able to hunt them down and rip off the arm in order to beat them with it.

DO NOT take pictures of hot brunettes shaking their asses.

DO take video.

DO make sure you close out the joint.

DO make sure the party continues.

DO NOT hit a wall and snap the top row of beads on the pimp cup.

DO NOT start dancing like a retard when they play 80's music.

DO be shocked when an attractive female begins to emulate you.

DO drink more.

DO invite her to dance when you both take a break.

DO get her name.

DO NOT Vogue to "Material Girl". It just makes you look incompetent and foolish.

DO get a name, because those things help. A true gentlemen doesn't just grind willy-nilly.

DO NOT follow the fact she's seen you before with "If you're stalking me, just let me know now." Not funny enough.

DO blame the eight-pack you've guzzled for not being funny enough.

DO promise to hook up at a club next week, 'cause that's how you roll.

DO NOT read the new FHM & King of the World drunk off your ass. You will retain nothing.

DO NOT stagger down the street alone at 2 in the morning. As bad as it sounds.

DO NOT shoot your right arm out in an attempt to correct the sidewalk. The sidewalk isn't moving eratticly; you are. You've HAD 8.75 Coronas. That wobble IS YOU.

DO NOT attempt to be drunk and blog at the same time, your head keeps rolling back and it takes you longer to do it because your journalism major need to make everything look right takes a lot longer when you misspell words like "guzzled" and "the".

DO be pissed you forgot to tape SmackDown.

DO wonder if Hate It or Love It Friday is really necessary after a post like this.

DO bring this thing to a merciful end and go pass out in your bed already.

Ambient music: my second favorite song of last year, G-Unit feat. Joe - Wanna Get To Know You