How The West Was Won And Where It Got Me

Format shamelessly lifted from El Basquetbol.

FOR: Getting the Winslow throwback before I headed out--I did not want to be wearing the Kobe throwback in some sort of show of faux solidarity just that's 'cause where they're from. Plus, it sends a horrible message to cute available white girls.

AGAINST: Taking soooooooooo loooooooooooong to get up there.

FOR: When on a postcard-perfect day you unexpectedly see the Pacific and your first reaction besides "WOW." is Andy Dufresne. A man who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side...

AGAINST: Uphill walks.

FOR: The line for the monthly meeting of Fine Bitches happens to be occuring on Throwback Appreciation Night; Dominique, Diesel, Jim Brown, Dr. J (on the f'n SQUIRES, no less), Norm Nixon on the Clips...

AGAINST: You mean to tell me Norm Nixon gets one and I still can't get my Rambis on?

FOR: The Jaime Pressly lookalike ahead of me with the big rack. If Jaime Pressly has a fault--IF...

AGAINST: Taken. They always are. Lousy Jebus...

AGAINST: The cops swarming to break it up between the rival hip-hop stations, leading to them hovering around the line. I don't think I'll be able to sell this bad boy off now.

AGAINST: The merch. Only thing I would've considered were I not in such dire financial straits was the black Snoop Doog hoodie from "Drop It Like It's Hot", and at $45 I expect a nickel bag in the pocket.

FOR: General admission, because the term "sit wherethefuckever" doesn't fit on a ticket. On the floor? By the stage? Don't mind ifs I do!

AGAINST: NO BEER?! NO BEER?! This is the sort of thing you should put on the ticket! I mean, if I'd known in advance I would've done the honorable thing and shown up crocked out of my gourd. Seriously, for twofitty I could've had the one-Kennedy serving size Heineken and I would've slurped that bitch down like Brooke Burke's titty milk. Now I'm paying $3 for a Sprite that doesn't even have CAFFEINE!

FOR: A brother selling weed necklaces to "Superfly" and "I'm Your Pusherman". It's just right.

AGAINST: Cute female DJs--hell, next thing you know they'll be letting niggers golf!

FOR: The Game starting promptly at 8:10.

AGAINST: Not being able to give a proper Westside hand signal. My ring fingers just don't work. And maybe, they never will. :(

FOR: "The Documentary", though after hearing "Moment Of Clarity" I'm still slightly surprised Jay-Z is the best rapper alive...

FOR: Game making a joke about stopping pushing once this next check clears.

FOR: Game chugging a bottle of champagne.

FOR: Game chugging TWO bottles of champagne.

AGAINST: Game crying on stage. I believe it was heartfelt but if life has taught me anything besides "there is but one bitch in the world; one bitch with many faces", it's this: don't EVER fuck with DMX. EVER.

AGAINST: Cellphones being the new lights. It's not the same, it's not even close.

FOR: Puff, puff, pass! Hey, I haven't done it in four years; this just proves I've got it beat.

FOR: Game: I don't give a fuck if you a Blood, a Crip, male, female, black, Latino, Asian, white boy all both of y'all in here...(there were a few more than two, but funny's funny)

FOR: Game: ...maybe they hating on you 'cause your chain's better, maybe they hate on you because you got a fresh whip, maybe 'cause when they call their girl your dick's in her already and she on the line talkin' 'bout she at the mall with her friend Candice...

FOR: "Murder Inc. can SUCK! MY! DICK! Ja Rule can SUCK! MY! DICK!" Oh, I've said those hundreds of times, but when you got 6,499 saying it with you...

FOR: Closing out with the singles in reverse chronological order.

FOR: Singing 50's hooks on "Hate It Or Love It" & "How We Do".

AGAINST: Never should've broken up with Vivica.

FOR: Game: ...I'll fuck any one of you bitches! Line up by the side of the stage! Wow, I like Game now, and I don't just say that because I'd plow his moms.

FOR: Game going up through the crowd like DDP, and taking pictures, giving dap, and yelling at somebody's friend on their cell they were bitchmade for not showing up to the concert.

AGAINST: The pic I took, I only got the back of his Reds cap and some of the tat off the shoulder. Delete.

FOR: The little movie vignette where Snoop scores a threeway only to find out the chick he was with before it happened was setting him up and he's got to lay waste to all the bad guys.

FOR: The bad guys wearing President masks a la Point Break.

FOR: Snoop blowing them all away. Oh, also.

FOR: BOOBIES and lipstick lesbians and heavy petting.

FOR: Kicking off with "Who Am I? (What's My Name?)" That's right, nothing but the hits, nothing but the motherfucking hits.

FOR: UNCLE JUNEBUG~~~~~~~

FOR: DON MAGIC JUAN~~~~ and it segues right into "P.I.M.P.". Niiiiiiiiiiice.

FOR: Puff, puff, give!

AGAINST: I am Tone Loc. These girls are all around, but none of them want to get with me. But my threads are fresh and I'm looking def...but I'm standing too close to where they're letting some of them go backstage.

FOR: DJ Easy-Dick & W-Ballz! That's where they're going, they have a little radio setup.

AGAINST: Little samples of "Nuthin' But A G Thang" & "The Next Episode". Like we don't know Dre's part.

FOR: Snoop is smoking. A LOT. Read that back and let it set in.

FOR: Puff, puff, puff, pass!

FOR: The girls dancing backstage.

FOR: The "SHOW YOUR TITS!" chant that I swear I didn't start.

FOR: Snoop, delivering the Line of the Night: Show me your titties, bitch! I'm Rick James!

AGAINST: The first chick who flashed.

FOR: The other two.

FOR: The "It Ain't No Fun" singalong. Trust me, as fun as it is yelling "Trick ass biiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" at the top of your lungs, it's better watching cute girls do it.

FOR: Snoop doing "Let's Get Blown" over the beat from "Wait".

FOR: Closing out with "Drop It Like It's Hot".

FOR: Snoop doing hits while doing all his hits.

AGAINST: A full band AND two DJs. Overkill!

FOR: Doing it again, except with money.

Ambient music: De La Soul feat. Redman - Oooh