Does That Make Me The Black John Cena?
SmackDown Spoilers

After I went through my work shift (***) and broke to get pizza for lunch(****¾: opening bite burned the roof of my mouth), I headed off to the Sports Arena. I don't know what's keeping the E from using Cox Arena unless they're afraid they can't wall off enough of the upper levels. I waited in line for about 90 minutes, and I was one of the first 30 in line. Just my luck, I'm right in front of the Jeff Hardy Fan Club AND OF COURSE they have better seats than I do. Being around a bunch of marks was slightly unnerving, probably because I'm plowing through Sex, Lies, & Headlocks at Guinessian rates. I still can't believe the heart punch actually killed a guy.

My seats were in the front of the second level area, 10 rows southeast of the announce table. Upper middle class. The Sports Arena was nearly a sellout--I think. I don't know if part of the upper level was blocked off for television purposes or not.

Anyway, me & my new Word Life throwback settle in...

Dark Matches
Jamie Noble d. Psychosis, pinfall: Huge pop for both, Noble for being the first wrestler out and Psychosis due to the lucha proximity. In a spot I'm surprised just got thrown out there, Noble dumped Psychosis over the ring post to the floor on a moonsault attempt. Noble got some small chants, though I was rooting for Psychosis. Either that and/or I carry severe delusions about how much tang I could score in that mask. Noble's back suplex is a thing of beauty live in addition to Memorex. Noble won by reversing a top rope hurricanrana into a sunset flip.

A tag match featuring jobbers--hey! Those fuckers stole the International Workrate Connections tandem dropkicks to the temple! BOOO!--before they brought out Josh Matthews to "Click Click Boom" and Bill DeMott to his own theme. Josh was booed and Bill cheered which if nothing else is a reminder to MOVE.

Velocity
Nunzio & Palumbo v. Spanky & London: A good match, as is becoming the standard in this low-level rivalry. L&S hit a Russian legsweep/bulldog lariat combo. In a funny spot Spanky got his foot and arm on the ropes and Nunzio stomped the crap out of him for it. London hit the Dropsault and the ROHers hit some CRAZAY move I'm going to have to see on TV to describe accurately. In the end Palumbo superkicked London into a Nunzio powerbomb for the win.

Ultimo Dragon v. Tony T.: So much fire in the entrance I couldn't even SEE Dragon. He hit a PLANCHA~! but not the Asai moonsault. A squash won by the Asai DDT, check please. Dragon was crazy over; insert smarky PUSH MORE DAMMIT comment. The kid next to me loved him.

Orlando Jordan v. Kanyon: Sign: "Bring Back Mortis". If you hear someone chanting "Kanyon!" at various points without any support, that's me, though a section of smarks--and the kid, Alba bless him--joined in at various intervals. An all right match that Jordan won, sadly, with the Bulldog running powerslam.

CRUISER TITLE--Kidman v. Tajiri: The best match of Velocity and possibly of the night. Tajiri busted out a grounded version of the Million Dollar Dream, so maybe that's clounding my opinion some. Anyway, they hit their big moves and spots, but the Yakuza fended off Kidman's attempt at the Shooting Star Press and Tajiri bridged out of a rana to deliver the Buzzsaw kick.

SMACKDOWN!
Heyman is out to start us off and immediately becomes a bastard by saying Benoit will never get another shot at the title as long as he's GM. "YOU SUCK!" chant abounds. As Vince once built around Hogan & Austin, so he will build on the back of Brrrrrrrrrrrrrock LESNAR! "You Tapped Out" went on for about a minute before Brock cut the Kurt Angle anti-Mexican promo with some more Best Champion Ever spiel before making an open challenge. Whoever shall answer?

And who's that jumping out the sky?

Brock immediately asks Rey if he can help him, and Rey works in some Foley pops. Brock calls Rey a jumping bean. I call Brock a puta (sadly I didn't get to el hijo de mil putas). Eventually he allows that if Rey can beat him non-title tonight he'll get the whole enchilada next week. Mysterio says not only will we be chanting "You Tapped Out" after tonight's over, but "6! 1! 9!" as well. Brock looked in my general direction, probably wondering what a puta was and/or who called him it. I shot him the finger. Of course if he'd come after me I would've thrown the kid at him and ran like Clinton WHOO BAH GAWD Portis.

Rhyno v. Bradshaw: I really should've taken my piss break here. Crowd was dead, and Rhyno won by cradling Bradshaw off of a superplex. About what you'd expect, if you expected slow, plodding, and boring. 2nd rope Last Call.

Heyman's with A-Train & Matt Morgan, and wants to know why Train bet Benoit last week. Anyway, as punishment A-Train will be fed to...Shannon Moore. Morgan says don't screw this up. Train shrugs him off.

They played a Rey video package to P.O.D.'s "Boom". The WrestleMania XX that started off the night used the acoustic "Times Like These" & "Boom" as well.

Next week the Bashams are going to defend vs. II Cool II. 10-1 odds against Moore is the line the FBI lays on Morgan, who proceeds to bet heavily on Train. I Wonder Where This Is Going.

A-Train v. Shannon Moore: Sure enough, Moore bumps like a freak (YAAAAvalanche victim, swung into the barrier, backdropped to the floor) only to get a flash pinfall off of a sunset flip. Morgan & Show come out and...I just can't believe this...lay out A-Train. ChokeSLAM. Can ANY good come from this?

The Cat got booed in the tease, and he got booed again. Lamont was more over but he couldn't even draw cheap heat. Sable came out and teased, but eventually Miller kissed her anyway and danced in his boxers. You have been warned. It would've been nice if someone warned me. Also, insert comment later about Benoit not wrestling but getting five minutes of this.

Eddie & Chavo seem to be more simpatico this week, and Chavo says his knee's all right.

Los Guerreros v. World's Greatest Tag Team: In a cool side note Chavo seemed to bristle at the EDDY chant but encouraged the GUERRERO chant that went on during the match. It should also be noted he got his own chants, and this was match of the night in all likelihood. The ex-Team Angle worked over Eddy's arm (after Eddy sold a Benjamin single-arm DDT that looked botched like the icy touch of death) and took care of Chavo off his hot tag. Haas stopped Eddie's frog splash with a superplex and they hit their Broken Arrow (alley-oop shot to the back) for 2. Eddie cleaned house to one of the top 3 spots of the night, but Chavo blind tagged himself in and hit the frog splash. This lead to a 2 count and More Dissension, as Haas dropkicked Chavo into Eddie before taking out the nephew with their inverted atomic drop/superkick combo. Knocking Eddie to the floor allowed him to grab a hubcap and clobber Shelton with it for the win.

Rey warming up.

Show came out in more urban gear than usual, and it turns out he was there not to eat the entirety of the Krispy Kreme just off of Sports Arena property but to challenge John Cena to a battle rap. I believe he intoned the phrase "get your iz-ass to the rizing", which is all wrong. "Iz-ass"? Anyway, Show didn't get going until his last rhyme where he said in his world John was a white girl and he was Kobe Bryant. For about a minute, Big Show was beloved. Then Cena came out and destroyed him by using about 18 different ways to call him a fat tub of goo, secondarily saying that Show was doing heavy breathing because he was choking on his neck fat and ending with "the white Fat Albert". OUCH. Cena threw the mic up, and when Show went for it he kicked him in the crotch. Then he walked off smiling. If they don't pull the trigger on Cena over Show at the Rumble...yikes. The Austin comparisons continue I bet.

Noble came in before Torrie could tell Nidia what Jamie had done last week. Jamie was looking at her the entire time. I guess Billy Gunn cockblocked him to eternity, but I'm not supposed to remember that, am I?

Josh with Benoit. He made no excuses and cut his usual intense promo, saying that he still has the desire to win the belt, Heyman edict or not.

TALE OF THE TAPE~! Where were Tazz's Keys to Victory?

Rey Mysterio v. Brock Lesnar: Very good stuff here. Rey made Lesnar chase him around before taking him down with the LUCHA LIBRE~!, culminating into a rana takeover that ended up posting the champion. Lesnar slowed it down with backbreakers & the rear naked choke but Rey eventually hit the 619 followed by Dropping the Dime. Lesnar kicked out, then powerbombed Rey back into the Dark Ages off a hurricanrana attempt. He went for the Stretch Muffler after, and though Rey hung in for a bit he eventually tapped out.

A fan rushed the ring, only to reveal Bob Holly. He got in a couple shots, Lesnar bailed, and the crowd went batshiit. That reminds me, I have to move. Holly helped Rey up, he posed, they played the music.

After the fact, Rey & Tito Ortiz were in the ring and posed, then Rey slapped every fan's hand he could. Jason said they'd be back soon but didn't announce a date.

A good show that by the same token is entirely missable.

But it was my first time, and I had fun and got the shirt I wanted. REALLY wished I'd remembered my signs. :(

I blame Triple H.