While I'm Not R.Kelly, I Want 14 Badly

Let me explain.

12 series and two rounds of--let's face it--so far, the best postseason if not in NBA history, then at least the post-cable era. We've had Cinderella stories, we've had players who we already thought were great pushing for legendary in the Kiiiiiiiiing and Der Nowitzki, nut fondling, and, of course, my favorite memory so far, Raja Bell JBLifying Public Enemy #8 (next year #24--it don't matter, fuck him in the ass with a cancer-having bear).

Never mind, the Bell Clothesline From Hell is my second favorite memory so far.

My favorite is happening right now.

It's going 8-0 in the first round with my predictions, which has now been offically followed by 4-0 in the 2nd round. And predicting the correct amount of games in five of the twelve.

12-0 with 5 bonus points so far. MR. Dufresne, if you please.

So you can be assured, what I type next will soon become bible truth. Get yourself to your bettor.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Heat/Pistons

This has been building up since last year. And ever since the summer, I've gotten the same feeling. You see, I got introduced to a friend of mine in September named Earl Hickey who put into my head the idea of karma. Reaping what one sows. All that sort of thing.

The Heat were about 3 minutes and one less injured Dwayne Wade from going to the Finals last year. And Pat Riley a) dismantled the team's core, the supporting cast for the Big 2 then b) pushed Ron Je--Stan Van Gundy into traffic to take the coaching gig himself. That's never sat right with me, even as I laugh at Shaq's interviews and marvel at D-Dub. And Detroit? They lost Game 7 in the Finals last year. And added a coach who somehow rattled off numerous 50-win seasons and got run out of Minnesota (which they don't regret at all, I bet). The widely-regarded best TEAM in the league. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't like Detroit. I grew up a Lakers fan, and last year's Finals put me to sleep in Game 1 and I didn't wake up until the Fourth of July. And even though Detroit got surprised by the Kiiiiiiiing and had to go all 7 while Walker got to fling daquiris on South Beach, I still think two things about this:

--the Cavs pushing the Pistons to the absolute limit has snapped their attention to full focus, with none of this we-can-just-show-up-and-win bullshit mentality that they slept through in the first two rounds leading them to get clowned in both Game 3s

--KARMA.

Pistons in 7.

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Mavericks/Suns

I'll be straight up and down like 6:00 about this.

I haven't been this excited for a basketball series since I figured out girls didn't have cooties.

I mean, my GOD. Phoenix is my favorite team to watch in the league with the way they remind me of Showtime and the Mavs aren't far behind. I've had Nash as my MVP as the past couple of years. Dirk has gone from "All-Star" to almost being D-Hova, that's how bad the Takeover's been happening in the first two rounds. The Suns have been spooky good from deep and Dallas' bootleg Phoenix supporting cast of Daniels, Terry and Howard has been running the floor like they see cops coming. Mark Cuban is insane, and Phoenix's female fans are the hottest in the league. (I should probably say LA, but all those fake tits...eh.) Both teams run supercharged offenses and you can expect 110 from the winners every game, easy. This is going to be great.

Gut feeling and mood when I look at the East--and honestly, it took Bron Bron ripping off his jersey to reveal the big giant S to make me pay deep attention to the East--that I summed up with the word karma. You know what my gut feels?

New coach.

Much better defense.

About the same level offense which would be getting Phoenix-level hype if it...you know, wasn't for Phoenix.

The Suns' Battles of Los Angeles going all 14 games just so they didn't sleep in the fire and go back to their new millennium homes.

And Dirk Nowitzki showing fire. Leading the team to the promised land. Draining 3s, setting the table for everybody else. And the supporting cast running and getting busy on the break. David Stern, you might want to brace yourself. I'm not saying it's a definite...but you might want to have the precautions ready just in case.

Mavs in 6.

Quote the Rosser...nevermore.

My Hood Young Jeezy

High Fidelity: Rock The Bells

I really got to thank Nick Hornby and John Cusack; I know without that book and movie I would've been bouncing off the walls in a rubber room in a fluffy white coat. Anyway, in order to spruce up my Mondays I'm going to do some top 5s weekly from now until I get unsingled. Yes, I watched the movie last night and was suddenly overcome by this idea.

Anyhow, the kickoff: top 5 songs I want to play at my wedding (assuming, of course, I ever get to that point).

1. Whatever "Our Song" happens to be. Maybe not to lead off, but yeah, have to have that in there unless I want to be playing the entirety of Here, My Dear during the divorce hearing.
2. "Don't Know Much About History", Sam Cooke. I really love this song, and it's surprising to me I haven't heard it weddingfied to death over the years. I'm quietly grateful.
3. "Crimson & Clover" by Tommy James & the Shondells. Yeah, my favorite song ever. I'm shocked it's on the list, too.
4. "At Last" by Etta James, for all the obvious reasons.
5. "I Believe When I Fall In Love (It Will Be Forever)" by Stevie Wonder. Bringing us full circle for this Monday. Not bad.

Superstition Stevie Wonder

Dawn Ostroff, You Magnificent Ba--Bi--uh...HOORAY!

At least 13. Maybe the whole season's worth of 22.

Maybe you Bovine University students can join in and WATCH THIS FALL, HUH!?!?

And now, for the only song that truly encapsulates an awesome moment such as this:

Jump Around House Of Pain

I [heart] Technology

...I didn't know I could think things and they'd just show up. Ohhh....come on, hot fudge sundae!

My Daring Humps DJ Solomon mixing Gorillaz and the Black Eyed Peas

KWBR

DROPPED: "Tear You Apart" (7), "Steady, As She Goes" (8), "Touch The Sky" (10), "So Sick" (11)

fifteen
When You're Mad Ne-Yo (debut)
fourteen
Poppin' My Collar Three 6 Mafia (15)
thirteen
Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (13)*
twelve
Where'd You Go Fort Minor (debut)
eleven
Move Along the All-American Rejects (13)

ten
Bossy Kelis feat. Too Short (debut)
nine
Not Ready To Make Nice Dixie Chicks (debut)
eight
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (9)*
seven
Me And U Cassie (14)*
six
A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me' Fall Out Boy (6)*

5. Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (5)*
4. Tell Me When To Go E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak (1)

3. Temperature Sean Paul (4)*

2. What You Know T.I. (3)*

1. Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (2)* [2w]

Behind These Immigrant Eyes Led Zeppelin + Kelly Clarkson

Just Another Wallace Living In Neptune

Yeah, I must post about the Veronica Mars season finale.

1. I knew it was Beav for a while now. It explained him not being comfortable with anything physical, and of course the typical younger brother getting picked on thing. I would've much rather Logan have beat him to death, though. I'm just saying is all. After the rolling HOLY SHIT bombshells she dropped on him that Cassidy did, he could've at least hung a jury. I remain convinced of that.
2. SOOOOOOOO against LoVe getting back together. Friction makes heat. Everything deep comes from angst. (I keep telling myself this.)
3. Holy shit. Holy shit. If this show goes off the air, somebody's offices are getting Molotov Home Repair in there for redecorating, W. Butch Rosser, CEO.
4. Poor Wallace. (I know what you're saying, what about poor Mac? I am filing the night for her away in the same place I put Caddyshack II, Rocky V, '97, and '01. It never happened ever, and anyone who brings it up out of context gets fingers snapped. You dig me?)
5. This just in: holy shit.
6. WEIIIIIIIIDMANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN~! Shit yeah. I want to be like him when I grow up.
7. What's in the briefcase?
8. See #3.
9. What's in the briefcase?
10. I am now fully elevating the show to "only miss in case of dimepiece date" status. Veronica, Keith, Logan, Wallace, these are your tablemates, Dr. Cox, Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk, and Jack Bauer. Watch out for the last one. You reaaaaaaaaaaaly don't want to get on his bad side. Same goes for the first but he probably won't rip off your arm and beat you to death with it.
11. Duncan (expectantly): "C.W.?" --> C.W. (firmly): "Done deal." Really? Let us pray. A lot.
12. GODDAMNIT ROB THOMAS YOU SOULLESS BASTARD WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE GODDAMN BRIEFCASE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Like I'm ending this post any other way, right?

We Used To Be Friends the Dandy Warhols

The Only Black Mamba Who Moves In For The Kill? Still Beatrix Kiddo.

You know, if Kobe was REALLY the MVP, I get the feeling he would've sort of closed out Phoenix in Game 5 instead of the Suns prisonraping them tonight (Addendum: forgot the way they completely choked away Game 6 with TimTom being more wide open than Tara Reid when only a 3 would cause OT). I get the feeling two things happen after tonight: Mr. Bryant never calls Raja Bell "kid" again, and Smush Parker spends the rest of his life having meals through a straw.

ANYHOW, on to Round 2.

(Please note I succesfully predicted all 8 first round winners, and in half of the series the number of games it would take to do so. Thank you.)

Pistons/Cavaliers: Yes, LeBron is crazy nice. The problem with crazy nice? The Pistons are the most complete team in the league and it's like someone locks them in a crawlspace after games, beating them with cacti while yelling "YOU LOST GAME 7! YOU COULD BE GOING FOR A 3PEAT, BUT NO! YOUUUUUUUU LOST GAME 7! YOU'RE WORTHLESS AND WEAK!" LeBron IS good enough for them to steal one; the Pistons are on a mission enough for them to completely wish them out of the cornfield otherwise. Pistons in 5.

Nets/Heat: Zoinks. The mandatory "East semifinal that goes 7". Which Heat show up? Does Miami have anyone to slow down Kidd and his distribution skills? How bad is Dwayne Wade's hip, really? I don't mean to be end-of-episode-old-TV-Batman about this, but there are too many crazy circumstances surrounding this. Teams, given everything, are about even. So what do you do? You pick the best player. And I say it's #3. Heat in 7.

Clippers/Suns: WTF. The CLIPPERS. The Los Angeles Clippers. Winnning playoff games. Next thing you know, Prezodent Squinty will successfully announce a five-syllable word. And I'll tell you another thing...they might win this, too. (And yes, part of my soul just died laughing.) Nash is hurt and they only really get one day of rest. The Clippers are rolling. Not only that, the weaker (AIEEEEEEEE) LA team showed the Suns can be had inside. Lamar Odom did some damage, but at the end of the day? Still Lamar Odom. Elton Brand, on the other hand, is one of the 10 best players in the league. And Sam Cassell seems to give them that sort of swagger. But...literally, I started typing "Clippers in 6" and my stomach jolted. So Suns in another 7.

Spurs/Mavs: OH.

HELLLLLLLLLLLL.

Yes.

Rocky IV. This is going to be Rocky IV. I don't mean in the Eva Longoria rips off her Tony Parker jersey to reveal a Dirk throwback underneath (though really, Eva Longoria ripping anything off--well, how can there be bad in THAT, I ask you) but in the sense that they just throw bombs at each other for 15 rounds and finally somebody hits the deck. Two things: Duncan's 80%, tops. Dirk is going to the top 5 and the Mavs closed out their series like real men. If it doesn't happen for Dallas this year, it's never ever going to happen. Fortunately for them...I think...it's this year. Mavs in 6.


Crazy Gnarls Barkley

Yup. The Hottest Girls Alive. One Man's Opinion.

1. Jessica Alba (1)
2. Eva Longoria (4)
3. Trish Stratus (3)
4. Salma Hayek (2)
5. Katherine Heigl (7)
6. Jennifer Walcott (10)*
7. Shakira (9)
8. Stacy Keibler (6)
9. JLH (5)
10. Kate Beckinsale (11)*
11. Halle Berry (12)
12. Brooke Burke (15)
13. Charisma Carpenter (18)*
14. Jessica Biel (8)
15. Raquel Gibson (19)*
16. Vida Guerra (13)
17. Carmen Electra (16)
18. Beyonce (29)
19. Kim Smith (20)
20. Sofia Vergara (22)
21. Kristen Bell (26)*
22. Scarlett Johansson (23)*
23. Anna Kournikova (back)
24. Sarah Shahi (back)
25. Summer Altice (17)
26. Marisa Miller (30)*
27. Mayra Veronica (21)
28. Monica Bellucci (38)
29. Lacey Chabert (24)
30. Elizabeth Hurley (back)
31. Esther Baxter (34)
32. Jamie Pressly (36)
33. Mariah Carey (40)
34. Eva Mendes (debut)
35. Shannon Elizabeth (27)
36. C.J. Gibson (debut)
37. Alyssa Milano (32)
38. Michelle Trachtenberg (31)
39. Kelly Hu (back)
40. Keira Knightley (33)

DROPPED:
Josie Maran (14), Rachel Bilson (25), Jessica Simpson (28), Gail Kim (35), Nikki Cox (37), Petra Nemcova (39)

Where'd You Go Fort Minor

Am I Bleeding?

Because apparently I've been tagged...

I AM: fucking exhausted and staring down a week of work in the face. Also, I need to post the Starfuckers Inc. tomorrow at some point.
I WANT: To have my soul's counterpoint stop fucking around and find me, already.
I WISH: My Grandmother would get better, and not just for the handful of selfish reasons.
I HATE: Willful idiocy. Have I mentioned that once before?
I MISS: Some of my old friends, although this year's absolutely convinced me there's some way they'll find me. And it's probably My Space. (ADDENDUM: www.myspace.com/butchrosser is my place, in case I've somehow missed you to date and you come here all the time. Got more friends than a bartender.)
I FEAR: Heights, dying alone.
I HEAR: This Tom Cruise fellow has a movie coming out Friday? I haven't heard shit from him since Jerry Maguire--anybody know what he's been up to?
I WONDER: Is Amanda going to let me buy that first lapdance for her when we get to Vegas?
I REGRET: 1997. 2001. 2002. 2003. They all made me stronger, but there's getting stronger and there's doing steroids.
I AM NOT: Part of the Good Ol' Boy America Majority. *waves card from Colbert Nation (pronounced nay-shon)*
I DANCE: like Michaelangelo painted. Except better.
I SING: All the fucking time, usually to keep myself mentally alert at work.
I CRY: Not since 9/11.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: As mature as I've told myself I've become sometimes.
I MAKE: Time for my friends, because they always have for me.
I WRITE: Nothing important in the last couple months..
I CONFUSE: A lot of people.
I NEED: Free time and the Muse to come back...
I SHOULD: ...dunno. Suggestions? (Addendum: stop playing the "Wonderwall" mix of DJ AM--holy fuck is the man infectious. I know I just saw him like a month ago but I'm up to drop a 20 to see him again.)
I START: In the bathroom out of necessity, then face the day.
I FINISH: At night at some point, usually on a couch.
I TAG: All the linked bloggers who haven't responded already. (Originally Victor's answer, but it works here.)

Not Ready To Make Nice Dixie Chicks

How Many Pundits Does It Take To Change The World? Three: Me, Myself & I...This Is The Colbert Report!

Since mass media sleeps...a transcript of SC owning everybody, their mother, their sister, their mysterious Asian benefactors and pimping them all out on the corner for Armani suit money from last night's Correspondents' Dinner:

Here with a special edition of the Colbert report, Stephen Colbert.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I’ve been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bullet proof S.U.V.’S out front, could you please move them. They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.’S and they need to get out.

Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents’ Dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.

Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have helped. By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly on into your table numbers and somebody from the N.S.A. Will be right over with a cocktail. Mrs. Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps,

Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it’s my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. He’s no so different, he and I. We get it. We’re not brain backs on the nerd patrol. We’re not members of the fact (police). We go straight from the gut, right sir? That’s where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that’s not true. That’s but you looked it up in a book.

Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that’s how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert report, I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no fact zone. Fox News, I own the copyright on that term.

I’m a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists.

My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how “the Washington Post” spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit.

In fact, ambassador, welcome, your great country makes our happy meals possible. I said it’s a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it’s yogurt. But I refuse to believe it’s not butter. Most of all I believe in this president.

Now, I know there’s some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in “reality.” And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass — it’s important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it.

The last third is usually backwash. Folks, my point is that I don’t believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull, before a comeback.

I mean, it’s like the movie “Rocky.” The president is Rocky and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It’s the 10th round. He’s bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who in this case would be the Vice President, and he’s yelling cut me, dick, cut me, and every time he falls she say stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky he gets back up and in the end he — actually loses in the first movie.

Ok. It doesn’t matter. The point is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don’t pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he’s not doing? Think about it. I haven’t.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he’s down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He’s trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite powered car.

And I just like the guy. He’s a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She’s a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma’am.

I’m sorry, but this reading initiative. I’ve never been a fan of books. I don’t trust them. They’re all fact, no heart. I mean, they’re elitist telling us what is or isn’t true, what did or didn’t happen. What’s Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American. I’m with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.

The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man’s beliefs never will. And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story, the President’s side and the Vice President’s side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they’re superdepressing.

And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the affect of global warming. We Americans didn’t want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works. The President makes decisions, he’s the decider. The Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction.

Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.

Now, it’s not all bad guys out there. Some heroes, Buckley, Kim Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be to my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is I promise you. How is Tuesday for you? I’ve got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.

See who we’ve got here tonight. General Mowsly, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren’t retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I’ve got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble, don’t let them retire. C’mon, we’ve got a stop loss program, let’s use it on these guys. If you’re strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. C’mon.

Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants.

It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Justice Scalia’s here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. You look fantastic. How are you?

John McCain is here. John McCain John McCain. What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you wasn’t a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There’s no predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming back into the republican fold. I have a summerhouse in South Carolina, look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you’ve seen the light.

Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., The chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It’s a mallomar is what I’m describing, a seasonal cookie.

Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Desi Arnez. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said. I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson’s wife. Pat Fitzgerald is not here tonight? Dodged a bullet.

And we can’t forget man of the hour, new Press Secretary, Tony Snow. Secret service name, Snow Job. What a hero, took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card’s children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn’t made the decision to quickly, sir. I was vying for the job. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary.

I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I’d like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.

Via DKOS: [Colbert shows a video of a mock press conference, at which Colbert is completely dismissive of questions he doesn’t want to answer, i.e., all of them. He chooses among three buttons — “Eject,” “Gannon” and “Volume” — to get rid of the offending speaker. But ultimately Helen Thomas causes Colbert to flee in terror from the press conference with her insistence that he answer her question, “Why did you really want to go to war [with Iraq]?” Colbert has difficulty finding a door from which to exit the room, echoing Bush’s experience in China. He finally finds a way out, and runs frantically down the street and into a parking lot. Helen Thomas pursues Colbert relentlessly. He calls for help on an emergency phone in the parking lot, but the attendant also wants to know why we invaded Iraq. Colbert screams, “No!!!” Colbert fumbles nervously with his keys, having great difficulty getting into his car. Finally, he gets in, and continues to fumble trying to get the car started. He looks up and sees - Helen Thomas standing in front of the car! He screams, “No!!!” Colbert manages to drive away. He then takes the shuttle from Washington, D.C. to New York. His car is waiting for him at Penn Station. The uniformed man standing alongside the car opens the door and lets Colbert in. He says, “What a terrible trip, Danny. Take me home.” The driver locks the doors, turns around, and says, “Buckle up, hon.” IT’S HELEN THOMAS!!! “No!!!”]

STEPHEN COLBERT: Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it’s been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!

We Used To Be Friends Dandy Warhols

KWBR

DROPPED: "I'm N' Luv With A Stripper" (9), "Black Sweat" (10), "Back Like That" (11)

fifteen
Poppin' My Collar Three Six Mafia (14)
fourteen
Me And U Cassie (debut)
thirteen
Move Along the All-American Rejects (15)
twelve
Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (13)*
eleven
So Sick Ne-Yo (4)

ten
Touch The Sky Kanye West (6)
nine
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (debut)
eight
Steady, As She Goes the Raconteurs (debut)
seven
Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge (12)*
six
A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" Fall Out Boy (8)*

5. Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (7)*
4. Temperature Sean Paul (5)*

3. What You Know T.I. (3)*

2. Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (2)*

1. Tell Me When To Go E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak (1) [1m]

There It Go (The Whistle Song) Juelz Santana

Horseshoes, Hand Grenades.

1. 300 pictures.

2. DAMMIT!

Immigrant Song Led Zeppelin

This Is For Me And I Know That Everyone Knows

Yes, everything's horrible.

Yes, your computer is 60, and disease ridden.

Your granmother isn't getting any better. Your free time is dwindled to nothing and a good place to put it is right next to your privacy. Your family's in debt. You're going to have to move. Your motivation to write is gone. You may have to undertake buying the new computer or laptop on your own. Your uncle's sick and you can't do anything about it. You're constantly sick now between your brother using the computer and your grandmother sleeping in your bed. You're lonely to the point of no prospects to where you're considering online dating. You might be in the worst physical condition of your life between the World's Smallest Couch and standing at work all day. You might be the most depressed you've been since 9/11.

BUT.

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up.

When in doubt, review previous paragraph and repeat as necessary.

And maybe Friday when the dust has settled, you strap the Wordpad back on. Brian and Holly miss you.

Only One Yellowcard

Barometer

BUSH: I hate being sick like Presodent Squinty hates poll numbers.

ALBA: Fixed the Trojans infecting the comp.

BUSH: Still don't have Winamp, or Media Player, and somehow lost Java. I'll figure something out, or Rob'll figure it out for me. Also, I owe him something. Muahahahahaahahaha.

ALBA: You know what's always fun? Getting into a nice club free because you've got hookups.

ALBA: The first round of the NBA playoffs, mostly. The Western side looks intriguing but the East is its ugly friend who insists since they came together they have to leave together and no guys should come between them, outside of the King's debut later on tonight. Anyhow, Detroit sweeps, Cleveland in 6, Nets in 5, Heat in 6. Other side, Spurs in 7, Dallas sweeps, Suns in 5, and the Clippers--I can't believe I just typed those words with no sarcasm--the Clippers in 6.

ALBA: My grandma's stopped using the bathroom in the middle of the night...

BUSH: ...but two months and it's same as it ever was. Am I miserable because I can't write? Or because I can't write is it making me miserable? Be nice if I had someone, but when do I really have the time to dedicate myself to them and give them the attention they deserve?

ALBA: I really like "Steady As She Goes" by Jack White's little side band the Raconteurs. Plus, the name earns a couple cool points. Like he needs the things...

BUSH: My favorite DJ in the county got fired from the GSC a couple days ago, and the only way I would've known about it is I found him on MySpace the day before (I was assuming I was going to see him tonight on my way to somewhere else). Now, I'm not saying I'll never eat there again if they don't rehire him--oh, wait, that's exactly what I'm saying. And I'm not saying you should send all your viruses to james@gaslampstrip.com...but if you remember having fun with me down there and DJ Professor CC being a reason why, well, you might want to drop a noticia.

ALBA: The write-in protest me & some like-minded people formed the moment we found out about it. See, the Internet ISN'T just for porn! You can do stuff, too!

ALBA: How the hell did I ever live without a portable DVD player? The transit to work, the staying over at Grandma's, even when I'm bored off my ass in my room--plug and play. Gotta love it.

ALBA: Riding a pretty good streak at Full Tilt Poker.

ALBA: The Throwback pick of the Week, since I heard it on the radio yesterday for the first time in two eons is Oran "Juice" Jones' "The Rain". You were holding hands and IIIIIIII will never be the same.... Ought to be lucky, if I'd actually heard all of Nu Shooz's "I Can't Wait" that would've taken presendence for sure.

ALBA: A Baywatch movie? I predict it flops horribly at the box office and becomes the best selling DVD ever. Ever.

np: Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge

KWBR

Format switch!

DROPPED:
"Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock" (13)
"Rodeo" (14)

15. Move Along the All-American Rejects (8)
14. Poppin' My Collar Three 6 Mafia (debut)
13. Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (15)*
12. Tear You Apart She Wants Revenge (debut)
11. Back Like That Ghostface Killah f/Ne-Yo (10)

10. Black Sweat Prince (11)*
09. I'm N' Luv With A Stripper T-Pain feat. Mike Jones (7)
08. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me Fall Out Boy (9)*
07. Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (12)*
06. Touch The Sky Kanye West (2)

05. Temperature Sean Paul (4)
04. So Sick Ne-Yo (1)

03. What You Know T.I. (6)*

02. Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx f/Ying Yang Twins (3)*

01. Tell Me When To Go E-40 f/Keak Da Sneak (5) [2w]

np: Electric Relaxation A Tribe Called Quest

I Need A Laptop, Part 6

So, I got to sleep on the World's Smallest Couch yesterday morning, followed by going to work, followed by being shunted into my brother's room trying to watch Veronica Mars on a 12" TV, followed by going back to sleep on the World's Smallest Couch, followed by coming home and finding out somehow my brother's fucked up the Windows Media Player and the Winamp.

Le sigh.

Oh, and I've uninstalled and reinstalled both twice to no success.

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life

So originally!

The plan was to suffer through my get-paid-for-30-but-work-about-115 week watching my grandmother and finding a way to celebrate my brother's 18th. The night after that, DJ AM was going to spin at Belo, a revamped club downtown. I was going to celebrate my freedom with some friends and rock out to some badass mashups.

And then excrement slammed into the cooling device.

My friends all lamed out the night before. I got 7 hours sleep in 2 days. And Grandma seeing a bunch of shit that wasn't there yesterday had me good and depressed to the point where I was going to bail on it. And then, right around the time I was going to chuck it for good, I remembered something I learned from Seinfeld & Philosophy.

See, the little man knows all. You got to listen to the little man. -- Cosmo Kramer

And in this case, the little man said "Fuck them! Live your life!"

So I hurriedly got some shit together, and headed over solo to see it. They complained about price. And going to work tomorrow. My counterargument was that greatness is fleeting, and any chance to experience it is totally worth it.

Yeah, I totally won that one.

Three and a half hours of nonstop awesome. The shirt I just got back from the cleaners is going right back there, the undershirt's going in the hamper, the slacks are getting a wash. And my pinkie toe's got a mother of a blister or something or other. It wasn't even that the warmup act was horrible or anything, it was DJ AM was so awesome I forgave him for Nicole Richie, being in Crazy Town, and 43% of the sins of the white man. Some of the major highlights of one long highlight:

-- He played "Respect" back-to-back with "Please Mr. Postman".

--He played "Please Mr. Postman" and "Tainted Love" and had the brains to not take the pussy way out and follow them up with "Oh Yes" or god forbid "SOS".

--His FUCK THAT SHIT sticker on his comp from www.unamerican.com.

--The consecutive Slick Rick playings of Children's Story and Mona Lisa, then mixed.

--The absolutely ridculous melding of Lionel Richie (ha HA!)'s All Night Long with Tell Me When To Go. By the way, there's going dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, and there's doing so to Lionel Richie, and I got to say, the second way is way better.

--Bringing in the motherfucking guitars! You Shook Me All Night Long? Yeah, boy. Seven Nation Army? Uh-huh. Lithium, Come As You Are and Smells Like Teen Spirit all seperate from each other? And you know this, man!

--The mandatory playing of Don't Stop Believin'.

--Hearing the DMX/Franz Ferdinand mashup live instead of from the MS site.

--In a heretofore unspeakable display of just having the cojones to do it, Sweet Caroline --> Your Love --> Take Me Home --> Jessie's Girl. You read that right: Neil Diamond to the Outfield to Eddie Money to Rick Springfield. Ye gods.

--What could make me dance to I Think We're Alone Now? You guessed it: Hoochie Mama.

--Oh, and towards the end, the Lean With It, Rock With It/Iron Man followed by the Wanksta/We Will Rock You displays.

--And the whole playing Another One Bites The Dust background for Hollaback Girl.

So, yeah, I rule, but not as much as DJ AM. And my friends for laming out--Attell 3:16 is in effect. Now, since I actually get my weekly sleep in my bed tonight, I plan on wearing that fucker OUT.

np: "Shake It Off/Tears Of A Clown" by DJ AM/Mariah Carey/Smokey Robinson & the Miracles

This Is The Noise That Keeps Me Awake

--> Survivor. Get le fuck out of here with that merde. Have them watch a 80-year-old gaseous, blind, increasingly disoriented woman with about 4 hours of outside help for a week and a teenaged boy turning 18 for $2 an hour and get back to me. You bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks, as the ever-astute Ben Folds put it.

--> The Bensons are getting divorced! They're getting back together! They're getting divorced! They're getting back together...and all I can think is it's this sort of back and forthing that got them together in the first place, except back then it was on a pole...

--> Christina Milian's new song? Downgrade! (If you want to dance then get down/if you want to chill then sit down...really? Really really?) Ditching Nick Cannon? GIANT upgrade!

--> Speaking of which, I finally caught Who's Line Is It Anyway, Motherfucker last week. Is Katt Williams planning to pose for Atlas? 'Cause he's carrying that show on his back. Good to see the cute Step by Step girl getting work, though.

--> Conan: Is there anything else you'd like to plug?
Brilliant ACTOR!: I have a My Space!

--> Nothing to make you feel warm and fuzzy like seeing one of your favorite shows "blow up" the stadium in your town, only to cut to footage of the one in your old town being demolished.

--> By the way, if I find out who's responsible for moving Veronica Mars against Scrubs, I am going to make Mikey Madsen's shuffle in Reservoir Dogs look like Mambo #5. This isn't like My Name Is Earl & the Office finally curing me of my OC addiction, this is fucking serious. Every year this shit happens, and I don't watch more than 6 primetime network shows a week. Unbelievable.

--> Hey, Billy Packer, since Florida & UCLA are name schools from power conferences, how were the ratings for the final?

--> You know what's aweome about eating at a Brazilian BBQ? Everything: the sense of entitlement, the free bacon in a cup, the cute girl in a cage mixing drinks, and the fact you can get some of the finest meat wrapped in bacon! Turkey? Yes! Sirloin? Damn right! Filet Mignon? Oh, you bet your sweet ass. It's worth at least $10 to consciously feel your heart slowing down. How can you not love a place that grills the PINEAPPLE, for crying out loud?

--> Dani California is going to have to grow on me, I think.

--> I was so psyched about going to see DJ AM tonight, and then I got 7 hours sleep in the past two days, and my friends all bailed on me, and now...

--> Snakes On A Plane. That's all I need to say.

--> To whoever spread the Beckinsale-as-Wonder-Woman April Fool's Day joke: when you die, you will see her walk towards you in that outfit, and right before she gets you one of the devils will cut off your arms and sew your mouth closed you are NOT funny! And history will reflect this!

--> Digital camera first. Then laptop. In between, alcohol.

--> Dave Navarro is a guy's guy. Despite having poker skills, millions of dollars, and Carmen Electra, he seems like a cool guy, as opposed to other guys who have a bunch of stuff and the immediate thought is "THAT douchebag?!" And they may or may not be in Lucky Number Slevin.

--> Common & Jurassic 5? That sounds like the first concert I'm going to this year to me.

--> All right, enough of this. I better go down to the theater and see Basic Instinct 2 before it's sold out.

np: "Four Leaf Clover" by the Old 97s

KWBR

THE HORIZON HAS BEEN DEFEATED:
"The Fallen" (7)
"Dance Dance" (11)
"The Denial Twist" (13)
"My Hood" (15)

15) Yeah Yeah Yeahs ¤ Gold Lion (debut)
14) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (8)
13) MC Lars feat. the Matches ¤ Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock (9)
12) Kelly Clarkson ¤ Walk Away (debut)
11) Prince ¤ Black Sweat (10)

10) Ghostface Killah feat. Ne-Yo ¤ Back Like That (debut)
09) Fall Out Boy ¤ A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" (debut)
08) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (5)
07) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N' Luv With A Stripper {remix} (4)
06) T.I. ¤ What You Know (14)*

05) E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak ¤ Tell Me When To Go (12)*
04) Sean Paul ¤ Temperature (6)*

03) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. New Booty (3)*

02) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky (2)*

01) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (1) [1m]

np: "Down With The Sickness" as covered by Richard Cheese & Lounge Against The Machine

Every Day Is Almost Exactly The Same

WEDNESDAY
12:08 a.m. -- At Grandma's. Pretty soon my parents will be taking their non-refundable trip to Boston for the Women's Final Four, and she'll be here. And I'll be on 24/7 watch, essentially. I try to watch some Letterman but end up reading From A Buick 8 instead around fitting in Conan's monologue.
1:30 -- Sleep.
3 -- Not so much.
3:10 -- Sleep.
5:40 -- Not so much.
5:42 -- False alarm.
6:30 -- Not so much.
6:35 -- Helping Grandma change debuts at #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 on the AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! chart of my life.
7:10 -- Sleep.
8: 17 -- My dad comes to replace me and takes me home since it's raining.
8:40 -- Attempt to sleep in my bed. I think all the room and comfort is throwing me off; the previous day everyone mentioned I looked tired and/or worried at work despite the fact I'd stayed home and slept in my bed for about the 4th night in the last month.
10:20 -- Well, that was something, I guess...
11:50 -- Brother has minimum day. I remember those. I liked them.
12:10 -- Shower.
12:50 -- Out.
1:20 -- Find out I did get Natalie Insurance and that I can call the police. Aaron got a call when it was lost, I was able to call the retriever who assured me she was going to meet Aaron. This was last Friday morning at one. No area code gets her number, and Natalie was already dipping in energy before going into a coma yesterday. Later on today, I'm siccing the pigs on her ass. I knew there was a reason I got insurance.
2 -- Eating. I should do that, and have half a hoagie.
2:30 -- Attempt to file report.
2:31 -- Put on hold.
2:45 -- Screw it, have to work.
3 -- My last day of work for at least a week and a half. I've never been less enthused about it in my life.
3:20 -- Since I have to be awake when Grandma is, and attempt sleep around it, I figure I'm essentially on 24-hour watch. My parents are gone for 6 days, equalling 144 hours. Assuming they get home on time Wednesday night around 10, 142 hours. I'm getting $10 an hour x the 30 hoursish of work I'm missing with a major conference in town by watching Grandma, so that's $300. It suddenly occurs to me I'm getting paid $2 an hour for caretaking a constantly potential life-and-death situation. YUP.
3:25 -- Explaining my absence next week to my boss (a different one) again. Same thing. "Such a great son, such a great grandson!"--you know, it wasn't like I was on Death Row before this. She didn't need a lot of help, but when my parents needed me I pitched in. Cleaning her house, putting in the eye drops, I did those things. And quite selfishly, I'm not going for the Nobel Prize of Grandson.
4:15 -- I try to think about all the fun times I had last month to keep my blood pressure down -- Grandma's proof of how I need to watch that -- but they seem like they happened a year and a half ago.
7:30 -- Done.
8:30 -- Home. Slump in this chair, after noting Grandma's here for some reason. I get interrupted every 3 minutes trying to catch up on what I've missed.
8:57 -- Grandma comes in to listen to her old-time radio stories. People use jeepers.
9 -- And now I can't watch Veronica Mars, the whole reason I didn't stay behind at work (no idea Grandma was here, and couldn't call from Natalie hee hee ho). SO. Angry.
9:01 -- Oh, no Countdown, either--the other 3 members of the house are watching the other 3 TVs.
9:25 -- Decide after reading a paper ad to see DJ AM next Thursday, aka The Soonest After This Fucking Week I can and throw a party. This, of course, is a) assuming I live and b) I don't commit any homicides. She may have had the minor stroke, but my social's on the morphine drip.
10 -- Her shows end! Just in time for me to miss everything!
10:02 -- And guess who's taking her to the bathroom!
10:50 -- Since my mom stopped off for milk, despite the fact she's probably going to have to buy groceries today, I don't even get my 3 hours at home I was expecting. Of course I was expecting to be able to sit on my bed and watch one of my favorite shows that even she raves about, but then again I keep foolishly assuming I have a life.
11:02 -- Back at Grandma's.
11:15 -- My mom launches into a toxicology report that sounds like Limbaugh's autopsy. 6 different types of pills to be served up at 4 different times, 3 eye drops, Social Security, Medicare, insurance, hospital info. Did I mention I'm also taking care of my brother for this interval? I will trade lives with 99.6% of the non-maximum-security-inhabiting populace. The chat seems to stretch forever and depresses me even further, especially in the light of my uncle geting colon cancer and my cousin in Detroit having a heart attack. I feel like the only of age family member who's not on Death Watch.
11:53 -- Why can't I cry about this? I realize I haven't cried about anything in four and a half years (building go down, your heart gets ripped out of your chest, throw in a cheating wife stealing your dog and your pickup and you can get on KSON hyuk), but it seems like as overwhelmed as I am, this would be a fine time. Maybe I'm saving it for later.

EARLY THURSDAY
12:21 -- Reading Stephen King in the face of that isn't that scary, especially when people get wished out to the cornfield instead of dying.
12:40 -- So exhausted I pass out during Conan's monologue.
2:06 -- And up. Decide to skip Donnie Darko; I've got "Mad World" in my head enough these days, thanks.
7:53 -- LAWNMOWER. My grandmother actually goes through five hours with sleep in the middle of the night for only the second time since and I get woken up by the fucking lawnmower. My body screams in pain over sleeping over a couch that can barely fit my 5'8", 160-pound frame lengthwise, the knot between my shoulder blades, my lower back, the back of my head, scream, scream, scream.
8:24 -- And that's waken her up enough to go to the bathroom. Precious. Also, Dad's late. Mmm.
8:42 -- Here we go. As I walk home, I think of how rare it is that I get that long sleep (that constitutes long now) and how it's dreamless. I always dream about something. Starlets. Talk show appearances. Book signings. (That's how I can tell I'm dreaming; I haven't written anything of substance in weeks now.) I slept in darkness, and the one thing I thought of of the thousands of things I had all day and night long was one phrase from a long time ago I heard on the radio: no future no future no future for YOU! Lydon was right and wrong then. He still is now.

np: "Ode To My Family" by the Cranberries

And Brought To You By The Letter ARGH

This is not this is not this is not really happening, hey
You bet your life it is
You bet your life it is
Oh, you bet your life...
--Tori Amos, "Cornflake Girl"

Karma is bullshit.

I know.

I did everything in my power to generate positive energy. I was there for others, as I have been for about a month. I took chances the old me would've never taken. I attempted to put my problems behind for one night in order to keep hope alive.

Every turn lead to a car wreck.

Yes, you can sleep on the same couch and get very little sleep.

Yes, you can watch your father fuck up royally and lead to your grandmother disoriented and crying while you were standing on the other side of the door.

Yes, you can buy new slacks and put yourself out there only to not really get anywhere--awesome crudites aside--and lose your phone.

Yes, you can come home so you can sleep on THAT couch.

What do I do?

What the fuck do I do?

Where is the balance? Where is the stop suffering button? Is this because I'm trying to keep some semblance of a life before I lose it next week? Is it because I hit on a blind girl? Seriously, any answers are welcome. I haven't felt this shitty in years, and the wave keeps on rising.

Time for me to steal 3 hours of sleep. Again. Right before work, too.

I want to
I want to someone else or I'll explode...
--Thom Yorke

KWBR

CHECK YO SELF:
"Perfect Situation" (13)
"I Think They Like Me {remix}" (14)

15) Young Jeezy ¤ My Hood (7)
14) T.I. ¤ What You Know (debut)
13) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (5)
12) E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak ¤ Tell Me When To Go (debut)
11) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (8)

10) Prince ¤ Black Sweat (15)*
09) MC Lars feat. the Matches ¤ Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock (9)*
08) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (12)*
07) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen (4)
06) Sean Paul ¤ Temperature (11)*

05) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (1)
04) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I' m 'N' Luv With A Stripper {remix} (6)*

03) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. New Booty (10)*

[note: if the Natalie Portman rap got any airplay, it'd be here.]

02) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky (3)*

01) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (2) [2w]

np: "The Mountains Win Again" by Blues Traveler

Friday O'Barometer

ALBA: V For Vendetta. The first great movie of the Six. Any smart, well-written movie who stirs my anarchial desires and I can sum up the plot with the phrase "overthrow that shit" is going to get my seal of approval any day. Plus, if I don't, Natalie Portman will kill my fucking dog for fun. Word's out on the block's all I'm sayin.

ALBA: I thought the Boondocks was grooving along before with the Cheney shooting, and now that Granpa's found MySpace...good lord, Calvin & Hobbes finally has a worthy successor. That only took a decade, right?

ALBA: Grandma hasn't gotten any worse.

BUSH: She hasn't exactly gotten better.

BUSH: I wish her couch was wider--at 160 pounds and 5'9" I poke over the sides. Makes it a bastard to sleep well.

ALBA: Really like the new T.I. joint, "What You Know".

BUSH: Rihanna. As if the first two songs weren't annoying enough, she's biting Tainted Love now. Anyway we can get her and D4L on the same plane and pull a Skynyrd on that bitch?

ALBA: Payday!

BUSH: Haven't left the house yet today. The new sleeping pattern and working the last 3 days is fucking with my head.

ALBA: I should totally buy the Chappelle's Block Party CD when I do leave.

BUSH: I don't have any set plans for tonight, and for some reason I'm not enormously psyched for Irish Drinking Day. What the hell.

ALBA: 11-5 yesterday on the picks. Lousy Wilmington. Dumbass SDSU.

BUSH: Everybody in the APA pick pool is like at 60% minimum; I haven't been able to break away from the pack yet.

ALBA: The new Kelly Clarkson, "Walk Away". That's right, I said it. Bring it on!

BUSH: My parents couldn't get their hotel & flight deal refunded for the Women's Final Four so I am going to have to watch Grandma for a week while finding some way to celebrate my brother's 18th birthday.

ALBA: I am getting paid commensorate with my work equivalent for having to take that whole week off and not get any bookings.

ALBA: No rent until this thing gets settled, for the first time in a few years.

ALBA: Tax refund! BIGGEST EVER tax refund! You like that, huh?! CAN YOU FEEL IT!? HUH!?!!??!?

ALBA: Portable DVD player? DVD to hook up to the TV? DVD/TV combo? Better digital camera? Cell upgrade? What ever shall I dooooooooooo?

BUSH: Bronchial phlegm that won't go away because I can't take real medicine due to me being up more or less all night long with Grandma? Das not cool.

ALBA: Party tomorrow--well, one of them...

ALBA: Busting out a TRIPLE Running Man with Marco & Madeline at the club last Saturday. I need more friends willing to act out "Tainted Love" with me, and now I have them. EXcellent. (Another reason to love Kelly Clarkson: the Lawnmower totally owns a party.)

ALBA: Anybody really think I wasn't going to pick "Jump Around" for this installment's Throwback pick? Top o' the mornin' to ya.

np: "Like A Stone" by Audioslave

The Four Leaf Clovers/Straight Man's Oscar Fashion Review

1. Jessica Alba (the usual, 8 on the Oscar scale)
2. Salma Hayek (10/17)*
3. Trish Stratus (2)
4. Eva Longoria (3)
5. JLH (5/8)
6. Stacy Keibler (7/9)*
7. Katherine Heigl (4)
8. Jessica Biel (8)
9. Shakira (6)
10. Jennifer Walcott (11)*
11. Kate Beckinsale (14)*
12. Halle Berry (12)
13. Vida Guerra (9)
14. Josie Maran (15)
15. Brooke Burke (13)
16. Carmen Electra (18/7)
17. Summer Altice (19)
18. Charisma Carpenter (16)
19. Raquel Gibson (21)*
20. Kim Smith (22)
21. Mayra Veronica (23)*
22. Sofia Vergara (20)
23. Scarlett Johansson (34)*
24. Lacey Chabert (25)
25. Rachel Bilson (17/5)
26. Kristen Bell (31)*
27. Shannon Elizabeth (24)
28. Jessica Simpson (33)*
29. Beyonce (32)
30. Marisa Miller (debut)
31. Michelle Trachtenberg (40)*
32. Alyssa Milano (26/7)
33. Keira Knightley (debut)
34. Esther Baxter (38)
35. Gail Kim (27)
36. Jamie Pressly (36)
37. Nikki Cox (30)
38. Monica Bellucci (39)
39. Petra Nemcova (debut)
40. Mariah Carey (29)

ALSO OSCAR-WORTHY:
Kelly Hu, Gina Gershon, Pam Anderson, and Vanessa Minillo

DROPPED FROM RANKINGS:
Gabrielle Union (28), Eliza Dushku (35), Rachel McAdams (40)

np: "Pardon Me" by Incubus

Reason #7843 Why I Secretly Love Kelly Clarkson

Go, white girl! Go, white girl! Go, go, go white girl!

Odds of me doing this Saturday night have been taken off the board at Caesar's. Oscar Fashion Review in the next couple days...

np: "Let Me Clear My Throat" by DJ Kool

This Is The Noise That Keeps Me From Sleeping Right

I've given all I can
It's not enough
I've given all I can but we're still on the payroll...
--Thom Yorke

Some people's blogs and lives go through about as clincially as the six-month visit to the medic. They never get too high, they never get too low. I suspect they make great marriage partners, the kind that don't let the shit drag them down and don't lose sight of The Big Picture when the highs occur even while enjoying them.

I'm not one of those people. It's not in my blood; I feel virtually wired to be wired. I need my emotions for everything except big poker hands. Actually, I feel better that I am this way. Highs are meant to be ridden out, lows are too. That being said.

{Note to Future Self: sure, I regret this post there. At the time I needed it. So save it.}

I am coming apart like a baseball that didn't get the proper stitching. My throat is sore and filling up with phelgm. My back is screaming. I've got a headache that feels like a fat person sitting on the top of my head. What little bit of my room was still mine isn't mine anymore. For the past week I've done nothing but sit on couches, siphoning off sleep in 2-and-3 hour bursts while the rest of the family goes on with their lives. It's making me increasingly irritable, cranky, possibly insane. I have to push this all down, or did until I started this post.

My grandmother is getting better, I think. I hope. But I'm at a fine crossroads between selflessness and ego. I realize in the long-term she's more important, she needs the more help, she needs the bed and anything else I can give her because her tomorrows are even less promised than mine.

There's that.

But I can feel myself changing, and I feel powerless to stop it. My already infringed privacy is down to nothing; people shuttle out of the "my room" area every 4 minutes, roughly. I can't write anything of substance despite the free time I'm getting ideas in because I'm a spurt writer and need a block of time guaranteed without interruption (also why I'm such a night owl). I feel, physically, the worst I've felt in the past year, easy. It's been like being a firefighter who never gets a day off: every time the phone rings, every bump in the night, every call of a name and here's life or death and the path is you.

And what about the worst of it? What about all the suspicions by the time your picky mother finds a home with the full-service option it's going to be too late? What about all the misgivings you had about not finding a place when she started going blind last year turning into full-on regret? (Interruption. To wit.) What about all this so-called family camraderie that's suddenly sprung up--you think that's going to be there next week if this keeps? Next month? What happens if/when the worst happens? You think they lean on you now to cover the graveyard shift, what happens if IT happens? You're going to have to carry the weight, again. Times a billion. Everything you've started missing this week? Gone. You might never sleep right again. You might not see the outside world until it's your 10-year-reunion. Everything you started getting going before this happened is already beginning to stale off and fade into dull tableau; good luck getting them back. It's all going to end, and just get worse. You might not get out.

for a minute there, i lost myself

KWBR

GET YOUR WALK ON:
"Turn It Up" (7)
"Talk" (13)
"There It Go [The Whistle Song]" (14)

15) The Artist Currently Known As Prince ¤ Black Sweat (debut)
14) Dem Franchize Boyz feat. Jermaine Dupri, Da Brat & Bow Wow ¤ I Think They Like Me [rmx] (9)
13) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (re-entry)
12) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (10)
11) Sean Paul ¤ Temperature (debut)

10) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. Fat Booty (15)*
09) MC Lars feat. the Matches ¤ Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock (11)*
08) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (12)
07) Young Jeezy ¤ My Hood (8)*
06) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N' Luv With A Stripper [rmx] (6)*

05) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (2)
04) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen (3)

03) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky (4)*

02) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (5)*

01) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (1) {1m}

np: "Back Stabbers" by the O'Jays

Go And Have A Party If You Want To

Dave Chappelle's Block Party (****½):
All right, Dave's funny and shit. But the lineup made me get my Tyrone Biggums on.

I was eating a carne asada burrito and then all my favorite hip-hop acts came and sang songs for two hours straight godDAMN talking bout Kanye and the Roots and Dead Pres Mos and Talib and Common and Jilly and Erykah and the Fugees getting back together and Lauryn all singing 'Killin me softly with hiiiiiiiisssss sooooooonnnnnnng..."

np: "What's Beef" by Black Star

The Highly Elusive Monday Barometer

BUSH: My Grandma's been in the hospital a couple times since the last post, for one-day stays. The family's been rotating to make sure someone's always around her until we can get her a home, but she seems to be getting better with time. She has lost a bunch of weight, which at her age can't be good. On the other hand I think all the intrafamily drama bullshit has effectively come to an end for the time being to further the greater good. The future is certain, David Byrne once wrote. Give us time to work it out.

ALBA: Paulena's birthday party last Friday. Ran into two more girls I hadn't seen in forever, one partying and one waitressing. Plus, I got to hang out with a bunch of Aaron's people that I hardly ever see, too. Too bad Ivan skipped out. I guess.

BUSH: I still haven't gone on a date this year. I'm about to blow the last hurdle of my 3-month resolutions. Grrr...

ALBA: I did send the Crush a note yesterday which got replied back to today. I wish it was longer, but she did sound interested in the Rosserverse. The future is certain...

ALBA: Two great books in two completely different ways, The Year Of Yes & Never Drank The Kool-Aid. I love Toure--he's like a quasi mentor. The man put in "hip-hop zeitgeist" and survived Suge Knight. And the Year book didn't change my dating philsophy at all but I feel somehow enriched for having read her experience. Probably because I was so miserable on Hallmark Day.

BUSH: I don't know why Cristal is suddenly popping up on the outskirts of the grid. Well, I have a supicion she took my friendly gift for her covering for me on New Year's Eve--and by the way, really wasn't worth it in the hindsight--into some sign of me wanting to get back together. And I think she wants to. And I don't. And lord help me if I have to tell her that. Somehow the phrase "bottom-feeding scum sucker" seems wholly appropriate and underwhelming in the same fell swoop.

ALBA: Music? Glad you asked! "Black Sweat" from Prince; funky. "Temperature" by Sean Paul. Do I know what the fuck he's saying in the verses? Does it matter? (In order: no. yes.) And, most importantly, a cover of "What You Waiting For?"...by Franz Ferdinand. No, seriously. And closing things out with a snippet of "White Wedding" was just really the icing on the cupcake. This week's throwback was almost "Electric Relaxation" by Tribe, and then almost "Make It Real" by the Jets (because everybody sleeps on the Jets), but it's my favorite diss track of all time, "No Vaseline" by Cube. Yea-yea!

ALBA: I forgot to mention at Paulena's birthday party, I did the splits. I'm NOT too old for this shit!

BUSH: Unfortunately, about 50 yards away after the party across the street from where me & Aaron's posse was...and sometimes you just know from sound how this one's going to end.

ALBA: The FSU cowgirls --> Back when I was 5, I thought I should've gone. Now I know. 5-year-old me was a psychic genius.

ALBA: Chappelle's Block Party coming out Friday. I think this and V For Vendetta are the only things I'm really psyched for movie-wise. Well, at least until Final Destination 4 comes out...

ALBA: New World Poker Tour next week! YEAH!

np: "Respect Yourself" by the Staple Singers

How I Roll, By The Numbers

How's my February? Glad you asked!

8: days total (taking out Valentine's Day)
4: total parties
2: towns partied in (Burbank, San Diego)
1¼: number of lapdances received
3: old friends rolled with
about 100: stars seen on the Walk Of fame
2: number of stars I "defaced"
1: blonde waitresses who had to straddle me to deliver my shots
7: rough number of drinks had two Saturdays ago
0: number of hangovers the next morning
1: number of ludicrously hot women who've won Vegas tournaments I've played with
1: number of ludicrously hot women who've won Vegas tournaments I've lost to
1: number of times I wished Certain People would've told me the Vegas thing before I started playing
1: snap decisions made last Friday to go to Stingaree, the hot new club in town
0: number of times I regretted it
90, roughly: number of seconds between me thinking "I'm going to run into someone I know here tonight." and then actually doing so almost literally
5: number of minutes between us hanging out again and him introducing me to some girls
2: number of girls
1: number of girls I'd never seen before, but found cute
1: number of girls I'd seen before, because they were the first girl in high school I'd ever had a crush on
9: number of years since I'd seen said crush
30: number of consecutive seconds I actually was so awed I shut up
1: in the conversation between the Crush and I, number of nurses involved
45: number of minutes I danced with Crush
10: number of minutes for her to back it up after I gave her room
.37: number of milliseconds for me to think "HOLY SHIT"
1: number of out-of-body experiences
1: number of times I busted out the Running Man
1: number of times Crush laughed and started yelling out "Go! Go! Go! Go!"
about 20: number of people who took up the chant
4: number of times I had to think of a downer
1: number of "perfect games" thrown by yours truly
2: number of times I went to Stingaree in 20 hours
3: number of Screaming Orgasms I had down the block to "warm up"
0: number of times I paid double to rush through the "express lane"
1: number of jaws dropped telling the story about Friday night Saturday night
$200: estimated cost of suit drunken white guy who talked to me Saturday night leading with "Where are all the sisters at?"
7: number of times he brought up VIP in 2 minutes
40%: my odds he actually had it
3: number of times he got shot down on the way upstairs
1: number of VIP areas the man with jungle fever had at his disposal
2: number of Grey Goose bottles he had on ice
1: number of whole glasses I poured, at his insistence
5 to 7: estimated number of shots' worth I poured into said glass
$40 to $100: estimated value of alcohol poured
1: number of times I thanked him for his largesse
0: number of times I looked back when I left right afterwards
$0: amount it cost me
4: number of jaws that dropped when I told that story
1: best club EVER. EVER ever.
1: number of fancy hotel rooms I can't even remember fully
1: number of delicious burritos at 2:30 in the morning in said fancy hotel room
16: number of shoutouts I'd like to put here: Aaron, Ivan, Amanda, Erin, Jo, Omar, Danny, Marcos, Chris, the Crush, the three guys from Texas I met in line, Geneva, her boyfriend who's name I can't pronounce, and Barlow, who's drink he bought me was doomed to be overshadowed
off the board: chances I have kavorka

np: "Sympathy For The Devil" by the Stones

What Y'All Know About (Twenty)Seven!?

The LA trip. Rolling like a celebrity.

np: "You Get What You Give" by the New Radicals

Fuck KWBR (Or How Your Hero Faced Down His Past, Bitchslapped It And Had It Go In The Kitchen To Make Me A Samich)

Here's some shit I'm writing down before I forget it:

• Getting a compliment is always going to put an extra spring in your step.
• Grease on a pizza keeps in the taste.
• Oh, my heart stopped.
• There it goes.
• Waiting in line sucks.
• Making friends makes up the difference.
• Rain is the devil.
  
• Sometimes, a new club is hyped as the new End All Be All and you complain about standing in the rain and the cover charge and it's not worth shit.
• This is not one of those times: Stingaree is the best club in the Gaslamp, and by extension, the county. It's bigger than Kirstie Alley, multi-leveled, the rooftop is going to be TEH SHITE come summertime with the Tiki torches and the beds and whatnot, and the DJ is bananas, B A N A N A S.
• Heineken is good.
• Self-fulfilling prophecies still happen, as when I came back down from the roof thinking I'm going to run into somebody and then doing so, seeing someone for the first time in almost ten years from EHS. (OLD SCHOOL EASTLAKE REPRASENT!)
• Having him introduce me to someone else is doing nothing but make you feel drunk when you're barely on drink #2.
• Having the someone else be the first girl you had a crush on is a MINDFUCK and the only way to even attempt to keep the blood from shooting out of your ears is more Heineken.
• Heinken: nectar of the Gods.
• The only way to get over the first girl you ever had a crush on is to bump and grind the shit out of her for about half an hour. Oh, I shouldn't've, probably, but 14-Year-Old Butch was yelling out "REVENGE, MOTHERFUCKER! You do it now or I KEEL YOU SCUM! That's it! That's what I'm fucking talking about!" the whole time. He's a bad influence. Maybe even a Bad Influence.
• Yeah, I should wrap this up so I have that dream where she uses all that nurse practioning to check my prostate with her mouth. It's an overshare, but I'm drunk. (Charlie Murphy: That's why/I say/FUCK IT.)
• "Perfect Blue Buildings" from the Counting Crows is a godsend at a moment/post like this.
• The Running Man is still like Spanish Fly. How did the Running Man ever go away? I swear, every time I bust out the Running Man everybody loses their shit and I get surrounded with people yelling "Go, go, go, go!" like Common's in the house or something. Can I get a ruling on this?
• Being drunk is still great.
• Bumping and grinding is still great.
• Old school--especially "WHOOMP! (There It Is)"--oh, you guessed it--still great.
• Work in 11-odd hours should be interesting.
• So should the party tomorrow night after your shift ends. 4 parties in 9 days.
• YOU ARE AWESOME. Stop doubting it. (This applies to every one of my friends, but is mostly here as a reminder to me.)
  
• SATURDAY MORNING ADDENDUM: Of course she's on MySpace. I mean, seriously.
  

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
READY TO RUN:
"Stay Fly" (4)
"King Without A Crown" (10)
"Unconditional" (12)
"Trap Star" (15)

15) Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins ¤ Ms. New Booty (debut)
14) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (6)
13) Coldplay ¤ Talk (debut)
12) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (11)
11) MC Lars feat. the Matches ¤ Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock (debut)

10) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (13)*
9) Dem Franchize Boyz feat. Jermaine Dupri, Da Brat & Bow Wow ¤ I Think They Like Me [remix] (8)
8) Young Jeezy ¤ My Hood (9)*
7) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (2)
6) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N Luv With A Stripper (7)

5) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (14)*
4) Kanye West ¤ Touch The Sky (debut)*

3) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen (5)*

2) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (1)

1) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (3) {2w}

np: "And Then What" by Young Jeezy feat. Mannie Fresh

Dandy

Come on now, sugar
Bring it on, bring it on, yeah
Just remember me when you're good to go
Come on now, honey
Bring it on, bring it on
Yeah
Just remember me when...