The Only Black Mamba Who Moves In For The Kill? Still Beatrix Kiddo.

You know, if Kobe was REALLY the MVP, I get the feeling he would've sort of closed out Phoenix in Game 5 instead of the Suns prisonraping them tonight (Addendum: forgot the way they completely choked away Game 6 with TimTom being more wide open than Tara Reid when only a 3 would cause OT). I get the feeling two things happen after tonight: Mr. Bryant never calls Raja Bell "kid" again, and Smush Parker spends the rest of his life having meals through a straw.

ANYHOW, on to Round 2.

(Please note I succesfully predicted all 8 first round winners, and in half of the series the number of games it would take to do so. Thank you.)

Pistons/Cavaliers: Yes, LeBron is crazy nice. The problem with crazy nice? The Pistons are the most complete team in the league and it's like someone locks them in a crawlspace after games, beating them with cacti while yelling "YOU LOST GAME 7! YOU COULD BE GOING FOR A 3PEAT, BUT NO! YOUUUUUUUU LOST GAME 7! YOU'RE WORTHLESS AND WEAK!" LeBron IS good enough for them to steal one; the Pistons are on a mission enough for them to completely wish them out of the cornfield otherwise. Pistons in 5.

Nets/Heat: Zoinks. The mandatory "East semifinal that goes 7". Which Heat show up? Does Miami have anyone to slow down Kidd and his distribution skills? How bad is Dwayne Wade's hip, really? I don't mean to be end-of-episode-old-TV-Batman about this, but there are too many crazy circumstances surrounding this. Teams, given everything, are about even. So what do you do? You pick the best player. And I say it's #3. Heat in 7.

Clippers/Suns: WTF. The CLIPPERS. The Los Angeles Clippers. Winnning playoff games. Next thing you know, Prezodent Squinty will successfully announce a five-syllable word. And I'll tell you another thing...they might win this, too. (And yes, part of my soul just died laughing.) Nash is hurt and they only really get one day of rest. The Clippers are rolling. Not only that, the weaker (AIEEEEEEEE) LA team showed the Suns can be had inside. Lamar Odom did some damage, but at the end of the day? Still Lamar Odom. Elton Brand, on the other hand, is one of the 10 best players in the league. And Sam Cassell seems to give them that sort of swagger. But...literally, I started typing "Clippers in 6" and my stomach jolted. So Suns in another 7.

Spurs/Mavs: OH.

HELLLLLLLLLLLL.

Yes.

Rocky IV. This is going to be Rocky IV. I don't mean in the Eva Longoria rips off her Tony Parker jersey to reveal a Dirk throwback underneath (though really, Eva Longoria ripping anything off--well, how can there be bad in THAT, I ask you) but in the sense that they just throw bombs at each other for 15 rounds and finally somebody hits the deck. Two things: Duncan's 80%, tops. Dirk is going to the top 5 and the Mavs closed out their series like real men. If it doesn't happen for Dallas this year, it's never ever going to happen. Fortunately for them...I think...it's this year. Mavs in 6.


Crazy Gnarls Barkley