The Sobriety Battle Of Los Angeles

Beverly Hills
That's where I want to be
(gimme gimme gimme gimme)
Living in Beverly Hills
Beverly Hills
Rolling like a celebrity
(gimme gimme gimme gimme)
Living in Beverly Hills
--Weezer, "Beverly Hills"

I don't know.

Holy God.

Maybe technology is killing me from the inside out, or maybe the last part of me that refuses not to believe that this is all self-flagellating rising action before the triumphant denoument. (Don't you guys love the fact I'm a journalism geek? DON'T YOU!?) TV, magazines, websites--all point to The Dream. Ubiquitous, rich, famous, therapied and botoxed out of my flippin' skull, 4 houses, 3 Hummers, 2 girlfriends (one a singer-actress, the other an actress-singer), and my own private island.

Those things have taught me my reality should be nothing but the best--I should've gone up and left two corpses where there once were credit cards, running over and into Jessica Alba as a result, eating dinner together before going to the local karoake bar (selections? "Love And Happiness", "Rock N' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" around midnight for everybody going nutso drunk off their ass, and closing the joint out with "Let's Get It On" or "Sexual Healing"--depending on the day) and back to her five-star hotel, where despite having my body weight in alcohol I would've put on a display of sexual gymnastics to the point where I would've had to quit my job and take a month-long 17-city nationwide tour to demonstrate the Rosser to the less fortunate. At this very moment her head would be looking over my shoulder as she put her chin against it, pinching me to know when I've gone too far.

See what I mean? CRAZY.

(Of course, all the best things were accomplished by people assumed nuts...)

Anyway, the point before the recap: we are conditioned to think anything less than the peak of awesomeness ceases to be awesome. But there is such a thing as non-demonstrative non-ostentacious really great awesome. It just doesn't get the hype something ludicrously awesome does. It plays Marvin Harrison to Chad Johnson if that helps you.

Saturday and I'm up so fucking early I start regretting not going out the night before and just staying up through it to the end. Like, 7. Trust me, when you set up your college schedule and job to make it so that you usually don't have to be conscious until 9 or 10, let alone out the door at 8, this makes a difference. It's Aaron, Ivan and I going up to la-la to see Amanda. Once there, she's giving us the touristplus treatment.

Butch's Things I've Learned, #47, #48, #49: The only thing I regret about this weekend--not going to the Pulp Fiction diner, Lou's from Fight Club, or Sunnydale High.

We hit the big brother to the north, and here's a surprise: besides a small accident, we make it in a little over two hours. Past Disneyland, Knotts, all that work. Even though she was expecting us a little later, because who the fuck actually says they're going to get from LA to SD in 2.5 and then does so, Amanda is ready to show us about Burbank and the Metropolitan Greater Los Angeles Area. We get some good food at a little mom and pop and then it's off to the damn races. [This part will be greatly enhanced with pictures later in the week, at which point I can remove this sidenote.] Past the Warner Brothers and sister lot, and past DreamWorks, a bunch of divisions of Sony or Warner, past NBC.

Horrifying.

Not just this is where they allow Leno to attempt comedy but there's a row of plus-sizes apparently applying for the Biggest Loser. It's not sad they're fat and willing to trade their dignity for television time; it's sad how long the line is. If it's true life eats souls, this town is the express lane.

Butch's Things I've Learned #5: FUCK LENO.

We go by Sacred Heart, actually, after that--like everything great on TV it looks horribly rundown from the outside, though they were filming. We run around (and miss a golden opportunity to drive into the lot and into infamy shortly followed by County when the security guard crosses the street and leaves the lot, if only for a 10-second-window, open) and then continue onward.

Ambulance, check. Exterior upper, check. Actual logo or sign? Fail (logo was draped off, sign's probably in the back where we didn't get to see anything).

After such a morbid look into the human psyche, it quickly becomes clear that we need to steal a page from the book of Brandon Boyd and drown it out with buzzing lights.

The Walk Of Fame it is.

The Walk Of Fame is a lot less elite than you'd think it'd be, with a lot of repeats. Even so, a few blocks of it is quite entertaining: I mean, someone had the visionary sense to put Hasselhoff and Swayze next to each other and DeanO way down the block from Sammy. Ivan steps on Reitman's name and gets his own star for a moment. I take pictures of many name old-time black celebs' stars for my mom (assuming she'll care), and take my picture with Chris Rock's, pretend to spit on Leno's, and et alsoforthia. Amanda & Ivan get one next to Don Francisco's. Aaron thinks about passing out on Charlie Sheen's, doesn't, and regrets it afterwards. Fun, fun, fun. We stop in a script & poster shop where I buy the pilot of Scrubs. A couple of cut scenes, and the fact Dr. Cox's original name was PHIL!

Butch's Things I've Learned #74,261: Little things make big differences.

I think I speak for every fan of the show when I say that would have never worked ever and they would've been cancelled quicker than you can say "Emily's Reasons Why Not". Still room for you on the show, Heather, but you're the Janitor's girl now.

We also stop in a sex museum for a couple minutes and this is only notable for the noticable blanching of face when Amanda shows Aaron and I the nipple clamps.
***
And now, the real reason anybody worth their salt finds their way to Tinseltown when all you can really be expected to do is look from the outside in--

CELEBRITY STALKING!

Butch's Things I've Learned #674: The Playboy Mansion is very secluded from the public.

Butch's Things I've Learned #4,362: The Osbournes still haven't changed the front gates.

Butch's Things I've Learned #62: Pauly Shore has an inflatable cow in his front yard, tethered down.

Butch's Things I've Learned #78: Halle Berry's house is nice without being ostentacious.

Butch's Things I've Learned #79: I should call ahead to make sure she's there.

Anyway, we spend too much time driving up and down Hillcrest Drive, Charing Cross Road, and four streets all named the same fucking thing (jesus h. vishnu, the highest per capita on the goddamn galaxy and you people can't give your streets different names?!) and deciding whether or not Brittany Murphy's a big enough star for us to go by (isn't...sorry.)

Butch's Things I've Learned #784: Driving by David Spade's house and yelling "Get a real job, hippie!" at the top of your lungs--even if it's Aaron's idea--is still fun.

By the way, looking around at houses in Beverly Hills is like watching your eyes turn into green dollar signs and beating the maxim "The meek shall inherit the earth" to death with a shovel.

There's something about taking Paparazzo 101 that depletes the energy source, so Amanda's the usual 17 steps ahead of us and knows what's on the menu next on the trip.

Amanda and LA being the hosts, the locale becomes just as important as the food.

Three words, loyal reader: Goth Mexican restaurant.

No, really.

The Velvet Margarita Cantina is blacker than I am, and improbably a lot cooler as well. Black mariachi hats turn into a mock chandelier. Velvet paintings of Atlantis hang next to Elvis. Plasma screens play Fantasy Island in French while Elvis saves a villa on the next one over. Despite it filling quickly we're there right as they open; wouldn't you know Amanda could sweet talk a Klan member into moving to Compton and has talked us into reservations while we loitered next door?

I drink a margarita drink, put some salad in my system to break up the debauchery, and then slowly consume my chicken asado tacos. Ivan falls for our awesome red-headed waitress and it's a shame because without me there he probably would've had a shot. She brings out a birthday ice cream and apple empanada platter right after they sweep my dishes. The plate is filled with powdered sugar, which I blow everywhere in the course of making my wish. (Insert Kate Moss joke here.) They have a nice patio in back and little mock shrines to (just remebering the last 3--Bruce Lee, Sid Vicious, and Scarface) between floor and restrooms.

Highest Possible Recommendation.

Back to Amanda's place, where we decompose temporarily.

In an hour, it's back out. If this city never sleeps Saturday night, God only knows what LA's like. Even though we're not hitting The Scene in order to give me something to do next time other than get thrown off of Halle Berry property we are hitting A scene.

Off to the Universal CityWalk we go. It's very Vegasy, and the Latin place is absolutely jumpin', but no time for love, Dr. Jones.

So, it's Howl At The Moon what left this on my right arm palmside down. To get into it: Howl has two guys playing piano. They sing classic songs and dirty songs, and every happy birthday gets punctuated with a rousing en masse YOU BITCH! YOU SLUT! YOU WHORE! It is raucous, loud, and crazy. How Amanda came up with this place for moi is beyond me. We stand sort of on the upper level while groups of people sip from buckets of alcohol (soooooooo what I'm getting next time), and after downing a shot and ordering the mandatory Heinie--

--and looking rather shocked, I must say, that I do such things or at any rate do them this quickly--

Butch's Things I've Learned #126: I'm immune to all the long-term effects of booze, apparently. Told you I was the shit, didn't I?

--but it sure doesn't take long for Amanda to order me up a special shot served up by a chesty blonde who apparently absolutely has to be on my lap to administer the whatever-the-fuck-it-is she dropped down my throat or the responding whipped cream. There is an awesome moment as I remember what else Aaron got not 48 hours before that I also loved the shit out of after the party limped home and suddenly find myself wondering exactly where the ones are supposed to go. Having drank for dinner, during the break, and the second I got the possibility I find myself getting from low buzz to chin music pretty quick. Also should be noted--rum, beer, tequila, at the least. And that's before the couple sitting next to me and in front of us buys me a slippery nipple. Which would find itself ursurped in my Favorite New Drink Discovered This Weekend in a day but c'mon. It's a Werther's Original that you can drink that can fuck you up! Is it any wonder I didn't have the heart to tell them she wasn't my girlfriend? I should be so lucky as to get somebody to rent big-chested blondes for my birthday in the future. Serious, like.

Yes, I did the Robot.

Yes, I did the Running Man.

No, I didn't get to sing.

Yes, I was stinking drunk and closed the fucker out. That's how I roll.

Butch's Things I've Learned #83: If it's worth it, it's worth it until they have to kick you out.

Drunk as I am, Aaron steals the post-game wrapup show by morphing into Barney Gumble and doing a rant pro-candy-cane and anti-harp-seal for the entirety of the way back. It must be said despite never touching a drop of firewater he manages to sound drunker than I actually am. In order to compensate, back at her place I start going up the wrong set of steps and do a belly flop onto her couch. I pause to lay out my sleeping bag and crawl in it, and within five minutes it's ash to ash, dust to dust, fade to blaaaaaaaaaaack...
***
8:32. Hellllllllllllll no.

9:57. No.

11:17. There we go.

Aaron went into the trip on just enough sleep to drive him insane, is hibernating. I read Rolling Stone as Ivan and Amanda come out of the woodwork. Once Aaron's up, I shower. (Song choices: "Sugar, We're Going Down", "Rock And Roll Ain't Noise Pollution", and "Take Me To The River" as I shaved the beard.)

It takes us a while to get going, but Amanda's down the block from a highly-respected eatery named Hill Street Something-Or-Other. Yes, I said "Let's be careful in there" as we pulled in. I decide to have some Belgian waffle with my syrup and butter. Knott's makes an apple cinnamon jelly that tastes like the inside of an apple pie and I think I will be licking some off of Jess or Katherine in the dream this evening when I kill off this post.

We get back and watch the end of the Matrix. I was thinking we should've gone out to see the 3 places we missed I wanted to hit, buuuuuuuuuut...

Butch's Things I've Learned #4,171: Passing out + bread + syrup + real butter = groggy.

After a bit, we start playing Illuminati Poker. It's the version of Texas Hold 'Em you've heard me write about a couple of times where land, people, superpowers are bet in lieu of cash. It only gets named tonight because of a joke I told after Amanda bitchslapped Ivan with a full house and got Oprah and Bill Gates' net worths amongst other winnings...

B: I was going to say after you won that hand, you've become a member of the Illuminati, but now I think you are the Illuminati!

(not pictured: light bulb)

So it's going well as I deal and drink while Amanda quietly and then overwhelmingly takes the boys down, and then her roomate Kataneh gets involved.

This is still a family-friendly post, I swear it.

But in keeping with the motif of the evening...

Butch's Things I've Learned #3: Hot women are trouble.

Butch's Things I've Learned: #4: Hot women with poker knowledge, as more attractive as that may make them, are real trouble.

Butch's Things I've Learned #6: It would be real nice if you were informed they won a tournament in Vegas before you actually start playing against them.

Aaron gets the final hand winner-takes-everything-awesome-ever-in-perpetuity-through-the-universe in the last hand of IllumiPoker (Ha! I've already shortened my own phrase! I am so riding my nut right now.) Kataneh is practically begging to play us for money, but even without it I go out first. (Qs and As vs. Amanda's flush draw, and Al Green gave it to her.) Ivan goes out shortly after. I don't really care, as he has introduced me to Amaretto.

Butch's Things I've Learned #36: Amaretto--ain't nothing wrong with THAT!

Aaron is left to defend the entirety of the male species against the girls. Kataneh shakes him like a British nanny and shortly thereafter gets rid of Amanda. I think she goes into the Hot Friends Of Friends Mt. Rushmore (who're the other 3 names? Oh, I'll never tell. 8 letters, 6 letters, 5 letters.) first-ballot. Though for my immediate future, using Amanda to spot the marks in Vegas should work much better.

After Irvine but before San Diego...a nice way of saying it all looked the same to me...I thought about both towns, and all the friends, and all the small and big presents. I complain so much because my destiny isn't quite fulfilled. And for everything good I have I see the bad moon on the rise for it. Not this time. I stared off into the sky and the spattering of stars, and thought about my friends being my family.

I spent most of the ride home quietly overjoyed and nearly overwhelmed; Adam Duritz told me to hold on to these moments as they pass and I believe him.

And so before we go our seperate ways, I get the moment I was denied in the CityWalk.

Happy birthday to me (butch)
Happy birthday to me (butch)
Happy birthday dear butch
YOU BITCH!
YOU SLUT!
YOU WHORE!
Happy birthday to me...
***
Last thought: tomorrow's Valentine's Day. In the immortal words of Christopher Wallace--rest his soul--fuck all you hos.

np: "Smile Like You Mean It" by the Killers

Yesterday, Today, The Past and The Future All Horribly Colliding In One Shot

The party yesterday went all right--well, okay, I fucked it up failing to get reservations. In my defense?

1) I wasn't expecting it to be packed on Thursday night. Never underestimate a $5 pint night within throwing distance of a major party college.
2) I expected 6 people to show up and throughout the evening peaked at 10. So not everybody sat down, or together, and it was like chorus-verse-verse-verse-instrumental-chorus-instrumental-verse. Next year, I'm not planning shit--I got the luck of an Arrested Development cast member. Probably Buster.

But I did get 4 awesome DVDs and the Bill Simmons book, the management was kind enough to fix my heater for the first time since Thanksgiving so I suppose I can't be too perturbed.

Up to LA, back Sunday, pictures next weekish at some point.

Random Thought:
The SI Swimsuit Issue is played out. It was pre-FHM, Maxim, Loaded, and a billion other men's mags I know for 4 seconds a month based off cover only, let alone the increasingly splintered mags appealing to race and age as a unit. It came in February, so it hit a maximum number of East Coasters suffering through another winter. (Unrelated Random Thought: every time I see the word "winter" after 20+ in SoCal, I suddenly turn into Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. "What is this hail you speak of? I'm just a simple black man who saw a torrent from the sky and became afraid God was choosing golf as a leisure option...") It was once a year, and since SI was the Bible before the Internet ("If there was no pornography on the Internet, there'd be one website left and it'd be called BRING BACK THE PORN"--Cox) that was pretty much it for hot chicks wearing not much.

Internet.

Men's mags.

The proliferation of cable.

chipchipchipchip--like having a bad breakup, a spoon, and Ben & Jerry's. You think that pint's lasting forever and then you hear the scrape of metal on recycled material and it's like WTF!? My late uncle and I used to love playing Keep Away From Mom with it, and now that it's coming out, I find myself barely able to rent a fuck, let alone give one.

Probably because my Stuff got here a couple days ago, and I don't know if you know this, but this Stacy Keibler chick has quite the tush.

Anyway, hello it's me, I'm not at home...etsoforthia. (Sorry, Lance.)

np: "Touch The Sky" by Kanye

3³

There was a place
And the name of the place escapes me
When I can't remember, it irritates me
Could be I can't remember
Could be I choose to not
Let's move along the song and try to find a plot
There was a girl
And I don't know her name either
She gave me love and I said I'd never leave her
If I did, I'd come back someday and find her
Maybe I will, I should write down a reminder

ONE DAY
One day who knows?
SOMEDAY
Someday I suppose

There was a verse that I was gonna write
I haven't yet
But there's still a chance I might
An open book that I still want to close
I'll find the time someday I suppose
A place and time I wanna be
And spend a storyline that's happy in the end
Plans are made with promises so certainly uncertain
I can't wait to set things straight before they draw the curtain

ONE DAY
One day who knows?
SOMEDAY
Someday I suppose
The more I sort it out
The more things get distorted
I sort of think I'm better off just leaving it unsorted
The more I try to change its course the more off course it goes
Of course I'll reach my destination someday I suppose
Sort it out, get distorted
One day who knows?
Hide behind unreported
Someday I suppose

There was a place
And the name of the place escapes me
When I can't remember, it irritates me
Could be I can't remember
Could be I choose to not
Let's move this song along and try to find a plot
There was a girl
And I don't know her name either
She gave me love and I said I'd never leave her
If I did, I'd come back someday and find her
Maybe I will, I should write down a reminder

ONE DAY
One day who knows?
SOMEDAY
Someday I suppose
The more I sort it out
The more things get distorted
I sort of think I'm better off just leaving it unsorted
The more I try to change its course the more off course it goes
Of course I'll reach my destination someday I suppose
Sort it out, get distorted (The more I sort it out, the more things get distorted)
One day who knows? (I sort of think I'm better off just leaving it unsorted)
Hide behind, unreported (The more I try to change its course the more off course it goes)
Someday I suppose... (I know I'll reach my destination)

--the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, "Someday I Suppose"

Everything Has Come To Life

Since the original Bell-Mars dream sequence post, Aaron's been watching them film upcoming episodes on campus, and the Center's been featured (the parking garage from last week and the exterior shot), and now this...

...coming soon to a newsstand near you. Could've sworn I was thinking that just days ago.

Dupin, it's starting to get closer to when than if...

np: "1999" Limp Bizkit cover

KWBR

SEND ME ON MY WAY:
"The Flute Song" (10)
"Do You Want To" (13)
"I Know You Don't Love Me" (14)
"Run It (remix)" (15)

15) Young Jeezy ¤ Trap Star (debut)
14) Ne-Yo ¤ So Sick (debut)
13) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (12)
12) the Bravery ¤ Unconditional (9)
11) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (6)

10) Matisyahu ¤ King Without A Crown (11)
9) Young Jeezy ¤ My Hood (debut)
8) Dem Franchize Boyz feat. Jermaine Dupri, Da Brat & Bow Wow ¤ I Think They Like Me [remix] (5)
7) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm 'N Luv With A Stripper (8)*
6) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (3)

5) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen (7)*
4) Three Six Mafia feat. Eightball, MJG, & Young Buck ¤ Stay Fly (1)

3) the All-American Rejects ¤ Move Along (debut)

2) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (4)*

1) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (2) {2w}

np: "Sloop John B" by the Beach Boys

Friday Barometer™

More out of a sense of obligation than anything else...

ALBA: I remember in the first one of the year I was supposed to pimp an old school jam in here every week. I forgot until a couple days ago. So I'll try to get back on track, and considering what's on the radio I think this'll be a fun throwback. Butch's Old Skool Pick of the Week: Mary J. Blige's "Real Love".

BUSH: Payday. A 911 of a payday. If I cashed the whole thing in to get with a hooker, I would have to worry about her dental plan, let's just say that.

BUSH: The lack of money is sort of taking me down a couple paces considering in the next week and a half there's the Super Bowl, my birthday party (both local and LA), and hunting for other horribly disfigured singles for Valentine's, to say nothing of February 15th, the Christmas of candy.

ALBA: Down as I feel about it at this second, the fact remains: Super Bowl birthday party birthday party maybe getting out there for V-Day. Still should be good times.

ALBA: I could always get my taxes done if I get really hard up for cash. Ah, to have no dependents...

ALBA: ...but just barely, being single at Valentine's. I don't find myself filled with my usual amount of vitriolic anger. Of course, they could be having National White Day and I'd have the same level of involvement this year. As much as I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't force things for the sake of it, I always end up not forcing them.

BUSH: How come Aaron gets to see them film Veronica Mars? Nigga doesn't even watch the show! He wouldn't know Logan Echolls from Logan's Run! Bah.

ALBA: I like the shirt I got for 20% of it's original price last week; so taking it to L.A.

np: "Sheep Go To Heaven" by Cake

Street Value: 5,000 Words

Insert 11-notch rise joke here.

np: "Right Thurr" by Chingy

The Birthday Party V.I.P. List: February '06

1. Jessica Alba (retains)
2. Trish Stratus (2)
3. Eva Longoria (4)
4. Katherine Heigl (9)*
5. JLH (6)
6. Shakira (5)
7. Stacy Keibler (18)
8. Jessica Biel (8)*
9. Assa Guerass (™ Orangio Inc.) (7)
10. Salma Hayek (10)
11. Jennifer Walcott (15)*
12. Halle Berry (11)
13. Brooke Burke (13)
14. Kate Beckinsale (debut)
15. Josie Maran (19)
16. Charisma Carpenter (20)
17. Rachel Bilson (16)
18. Carmen Electra (17)
19. Summer Altice (12)
20. Sofia Vergara (24)
21. Raquel Gibson (25)
22. Kim Smith (14)
23. Mayra Veronica (29)*
24. Shannon Elizabeth (23)
25. Lacey Chabert (28)
26. Alyssa Milano (27)
27. Gail Kim (32)*
28. Gabrielle Union (26)
29. Mariah Carey (35)*
30. Nikki Cox (22)
31. Kristen Bell (debut)
32. Beyonce (21)
33. Jessica Simpson (30)
34. Scarlett Johansson (debut)
35. Eliza Dushku (re-entry)
36. Jamie Pressly (re-entry)
37. Rachel McAdams (39)
38. Esther Baxter (31)
39. Monica Bellucci (re-entry)
40. Michelle Trachtenberg (debut)

ALSO RECEIVING VOTES:
Sarah Shahi, Lindsay Lohan, Natalie Portman, Mickie James, Alyson Hannigan, Melyssa Ford

DROPPED FROM RANKINGS:
Angelina Jolie (3), Leeann Tweeden (33), Ali Landry (34), Kristanna Loken (37), K.D. Aubert (38), Kelly Hu (40)

np: "Fearless (Richard X remix)" by the Bravery

Friday Barometer™

ALBA: I'm out of old cell phone debt! Done, done, done! No more living in fear of the 10 a.m. wakeup call! No more worrying about that thing before Natalie! Huzzah!

BUSH: No money for a couple days. Still worth it.

ALBA: Aaron, for the major assist.

ALBA: Paying his way to Vegas. I owe him that much. Fig/lit.

ALBA: Hey, by the way, did I mention I'm going to LAS VEGAS for HALLOWEEN!? Once? Well, let me say it again--I'm going to Las Vegas for Halloween! The modern-day American goulash of hedonism and depravity on the holiest of all Pagan holidays! Vegas girls in costumes! STRIPPERS in costumes! More friends! I am less a man than A GOD.

BUSH: ...what the fuck is my costume going to be?

ALBA: Last Saturday. Seriously, that went about as flawless as it could sans me getting digits. I still might've been able to if I'd gotten in sooner and wasn't so busy with all the free shots.

ALBA: Kicking my brother's ass on Madden, 50 (Jags) - 23 (Bengals) to run my record to about 10-0. Two interception returns for TDs right before the half ended killed him. He was up 10-7. And then WHAP. Ah, well.

BUSH: As grown up as I'd like to think I am, I enjoyed that curbstomping entirely too much.

ALBA: "Move Along" by the Rejects. If I'm not working the FOB/AAR concert I may find myself there. Just to visit. Yes.

ALBA: And we are under two weeks to the birthday party!

ALBA: Still in January, two of the three three-month resolutions I've made have either passed or are about to.

BUSH: Got to get back in and get those 3 dates down.

MOTHERFUCKING ALBA!
np: "Love And Happiness" by Al Green

Got Some Dirt On My Shoulder, Could You Brush It Off For Me?

So I catch a bastard of a cold yesterday. I nap off and on all day. I get a bunch of Robitussin in my system. I think about good things in my life, and good things to come. I find since the S thing fizzled out, I should keep my outlook positive. Someone'll appreciate, etf'nc and whatnot. So I do a little mental work for my birthday party (yay, 3 days, 2 towns, sure, that's fine). But then, I start thinking about Vegas. About last year.

About last year.

And by last year, I mean Kelli. Well, mostly. But then I think, how do I top it?

And right before my 1 a.m. nap, fueled on Robitussin, it comes to me.

You want to top last year? I mean, really top it?

What you should do, says Brilliant Voice In My Head, is rachet it up a couple notches and go for Halloween.

That's right.

VEGAS HALLOWEEN.

And we're doubling the running order (we hope), and getting another room at the Grandiose at least. But as is? It's going to cost me $10 less than last year!

Ah, man. To quote one of my favorite currently Incarcerated-Americans, if I was you, I'd hate me too.

np: "Oh Yes" by Juelz Santana

Seven Feet Tall And Bulletproof

• Spent work staring at hot girls for six hours.
• Smoked premium hookah for a couple hours and had The Best Hot Chocolate in the County.
• Starting drinking Goose at a bar.
• Went to my favorite joint and had a few more while my DJ bumped some classic shit for an hour ("Paid In Full" remix, yes, "Juicy", yes, "T.R.O.Y.", yes, "O.P.P". yes, "Scenario" yes, "Me Myself And I", yes, "Going Back To Cali"--LL's, yes, "Rump Shaker" yes, motherfucking "Humpty" just as I was about to request it hell yes and I could keep going...)
• Went to PB after that and waited forever.
• Talked doorman into letting Ivan, Aaron and I in free.
  
• Got really fucked up.
• Freaked girls.
• Had some guy lay down some cash for more shots after he thought it was my birthday.
  
• Made friends.
• Continued getting really fucked up.
• Lost Natalie.
• Found Natalie.
• Traded vicious insults all ride home about Ivan's underage sister vs. my mother.

What'd you do with your Saturday?

KWBR.

Pittsburgh/Carolina, btw.

HE LOVES YOU NOT:
"My Humps" (6)
"Gold Digger" (9)
"My Doorbell" (14)
"Dirty Little Secret" (15)

15) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It [remix] (8)
14) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Young Buck & Lloyd Banks ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (11)
13) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (10)
12) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (13)*
11) Matisyahu ¤ King Without A Crown (7)

10) Alkaholics ¤ The Flute Song (debut)
9) the Bravery ¤ Unconditional (debut)
8) T-Pain feat. Mike Jones ¤ I'm N' Luv With A Stripper (debut)
7) Franz Ferdinand ¤ The Fallen (debut)
6) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (2)

5) Dem Franchize Boyz feat. Jermaine Dupri, Da Brat & Bow Wow ¤ I Think They Like Me [remix] (12)*
4) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (4)*

3) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (1)

2) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (5)*

1) Three Six Mafia feat. Eightball, MJG, and Young Buck ¤ Stay Fly (3) [2w]

np: "Waterfalls" by TLC

On This Day, I See Clearly

JANUARY 2006
We sat there and we smoked hookah and we talked of everything and nothing, and when I decided to really regret getting a medium Sprite instead of a small that's when I saw her. Her blonde hair was pushed back behind her ears and she was sitting on the couch in the middle. I would've recognized her about anywhere; hell, I was usually watching her on TV just around then anyhow. As I sat in the booth I wondered if it was her, could be her. I knew filming happened in and around town. The Golden Globes weren't that far away; it had been two days. It's possible, right?

I had to know.

He said I should, and that "Talk is cheap" cliche would get him in a rented tuxedo down the line.

But I took another sip and went inside, approaching her and turning her square of friends into a Pentagon.

"Excuse me, miss?"

She looked up at me and smiled--that's when I knew.

"Are...you're Kristen Bell, aren't you?"

"Yeah. You recognized me in this little place?"

My heart stopped. How many times had I been here before, how many times had she, how had I just been thinking of taking someone here who would completely fall through on me..."Hello?"

I swallowed, and suddenly I went from K-4 to back in the moment. "Yeah, I'm sorry. Longtime follower, first-time drooler." She laughed. She actually laughed.
* * *
"I mean, I can't promise anything."

"No, no, I know that."

Silence.

"Just keep your phone on."

"Fair enough. I gotta go."

"All right, Butch. Have a good night."

"Good night, Kristen." I didn't call her Veronica once. I was quite proud. I walked over to him.

"Let's go."

"What happened?"

"We have to get out of sight and hearing range." We did. "I got that shit ON LOCK, SON!"

"It was her?"

"Damn well ought to be, I recognized her on sight."

"You got her number?"

Pop the collar, brush the shoulder. Off into the night. Nothing was ever going to come of it.

But even so.

FEBRUARY
"Funny. Where's the I-met-you-at-Fumari-but-you-never-called-option? Anyway, uh, just wanted to see if you wanted to get together. I got a couple days off with the weekend, so if you want we could hang out. Yeah, call back. This is Kristen, by the way. My friends call me Ronnie."

"BULLSHIT."

I rolled my eyes. Nobody believes. They never do. "Oh, should I play it again?"

"I don't know how the hell you did that, but you're fucking with me."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever." I shook my head.
***
I clenched both sides of the sink and let fly a spray of beige and purple I am perfectly willing to never see the likes of again. Why am I so nervous? It's just a girl.

And Michael Jordan's just a guard. But you should call. I mean, that's a fake number, anyways. It's a big giant joke. A colossal--

"Hello?"

"Kristen?"

"Yeah. Who's this?"

"I-I-Butch."

"That only took you two days."

..."you realize how many drinks I had to have to get enough courage in me?" That laugh is awesome.

"So what's up?"
***
I hope she's all right with my short hair. I hope this sweater quietly radiates masculinity. I hope the Axe is working. I hope I didn't put on too much. I hope that breath mint holds. I hope she shows up.

She does.

Survive now. Vomit later.
***
It happened at 1:47 am at Market in 5th in the all-way crosswalk, the only one in the county and the one that's best. All the voices in my head stopped. Time stopped. People walked around.

Her lips were like foam beanbag chairs eating me alive. My heart stopped again. I was sure I was going to die this time.

I would've regretted nothing except what I missed...

JULY
I look at her in the eyes. I'm waiting for something, and I don't know what it is. Probably rejection. I'm not sure.

Two roads diverged by the side of the beach, and I...

"I know you do. Why wouldn't you? I'm fucking awesome."

...I took the road I had less traveled.

"But I love you, too."

"You call that acting?"

She laughs. "That's more of a being in the moment sort of thing."

The food suddenly vibrates with a new intensity.

THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER, 2008
"Do you, [Butch's Government Name], take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for as long as you both shall live?"

"Do you, Kristen Anne Bell, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for as long as you both shall live?"

Let the record show she started crying first. But only by a couple of seconds. Jo caught the bouquet, the first dance was to "Bohemian Like You", and we didn't until the honeymoon. I had no idea a wedding was that exhausting.

JUNE 2009
"Look at that." I do.

"That's pink." She looks at me as if I've grown a breast on my head. It takes a couple seconds.

"THAT'S PINK!"

We hug and kiss and laugh and then I sit down on the bathroom tile. We're going to have a zebra.

SOMETIME IN THE FALL OF 2021
"I have to find out for school." God, Emily's growing fast. I'm going to need a gun soon.

"They still do that?" She nods. "Man, they were doing that back when I went." She gives me her mom's smile.

"Did they have that one room made out of brick, Daddy?" I hear her mother laughing from the kitchen. "That's not funny." She comes in with the lemonades and sits next to me on the couch.

"Well, honey, it started a long time ago down the coast. Mommy was relaxing after work and Daddy was wondering about his place in the universe, and it so happened to do those things they went to the same place..."

...it's a shame the aforementioned blonde tonight wasn't Kristen Bell, because that short glimpse into the future was pretty great.

np: "In The Sun" by Joseph Arthur

A Straight Man's Golden Globes Fashion Review

Pam Anderson, do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Scarlett Johansson, don't let the title fool you. I am extremely gay and thus am very available to lovingly squeeze, caress, suckle, nuzzle, lick and otherwise fondle your jugs. You get a gold star which may or may not be in my pants.

In the It Looks All Nice Together But I'm Just Not Feeling It Dept.: Jamie Pressly.

Teri Hatcher, you rock. Nicolette Sheridan, you're committing a crime against everything that is good and holy. You'd be better off with Tom Cruise. But as is my way when it comes to Wisteria Lane, Eva Longoria wins everything and she DAMN sure wins tonight. Ye gods.

Natalie Portman--looking great. Don't visit San Francisco for another couple weeks, though. Keira Knightley--and now I need some form of heart meds. While on the subject of fiiiine Britsh imports I'd say the same for Kate Beckinsale, but ruffles belong on chips and that's it. Katherine Heigl, my friend works for Disney, who owns your show-showing station. I'm coming to LA next month for my birthday, I've had a crush on you since Roswell, and the first 12 drinks at my party are on me. Whaddya say?

And finally, Queen Jessica, I could go for the rest of the month and not do your beauty enough justice for words. Also, my dry cleaner says I owe him $5.80 as a result of the previous. Thank you. While you're at it, could you save Ferris?

np: "Murder (Or A Heart Attack)" by the Old 97s

This Friday Barometer Reads 420

ALBA: The Colts and Seahawks in routs, and the Panthers and Broncos close.

BUSH: My brother, for fucking up the computer earlier today and making me take my first half hour home uninstalling crap, and for leaving behind a bunch of shit in the clt-alt-del menu that I'm going to have to ask Rob how to delete at some point in the future. I think I had to get the MS prompt and run, or something. Feh.

BUSH: My mother, as my brother's fuckup reverted the wallpaper to the Walcott picture. I don't know if I mentioned I'm putting her in a home before. Someday, someday...

BUSH: Miss S, who hasn't answered either of the e-mails I've sent her this week, both of which are Important and Double Secret Important for the dating future and which are steadily driving me insane--well, that and the sudden influx of calls from Cristal reacting to my gift for her taking my New Year's Eve shift. You know, when Hov' said 99 probs, I only assumed it was a positive. How wrong I was.

BUSH: Missing the Steve game tonight because I was angling for it being the date night.

BUSH: Getting up early for work on a Friday and a Saturday.

BUSH: Can't drink in this fucking house, and I need seven.

BUSH: All the stress from point 4 is killing my enthusiasm to write.

BUSH: Rainy 3-day weekend in which either I'm working or my mom is off.

ALBA: I have a sudden newfound respect for the Bravery. "Unconditional"'ll debut next week.

np: "You Owe Me An IOU" by Hot Hot Heat

The $128,000 Question

Vida, Vida, Vida.

What you gon do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
What you gon do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?

np: "Tempted" by Squeeze (really)

K-Dub-BRRR

Another Alba pic in the title. I have got to get to this "Hawaii" one of these days...

I FOUGHT THE LAW:
"Perfect Situation" (9)
"Can I Have It Like That" (12)
"Ghost Of You" (14)
"Fix You" (15)

15) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (6)
14) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (7)
13) Juvenile ¤ Rodeo (debut)
12) Dem Franchise Boyz feat. Jermaine Dupri, Da Brat & Bow Wow ¤ I Think They Like Me [remix] (debut)
11) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Young Buck, & Lloyd Banks ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (13)*

10) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (11)
9) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (4)
8) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It [remix] (3)
7) Matisyahu ¤ King Without A Crown (debut)
6) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (2)

5) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (8)*
4) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (10)*

3) Three Six Mafia feat. Eightball, MJG, & Young Buck ¤ Stay Fly (debut)

2) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (5)*

1) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) [2m]

np: same way I started the year, "I Got A Woman" by Ray Charles morphing into my co-favorite of '05 "Gold Digger" by Kanye feat. Jamie Foxx

Friday Barometer

ALBA: Payday!

ALBA: Finally getting a day in to use that Best Buy card from Christmas--look forward to doing it again in 51 weeks...

ALBA: The Wedding Singer for $5.

BUSH: No Wilbon on PTI today! Like finding out Salma Hayek's been replaced in your threesome by Rob Schneider, it really is.

BUSH: Tom Brady talking about disrespect. Hey, Tom, let's change lives, and you can be a black man barely surviving from check to check forced to dress in a train conductor's outfit answering the same dumb 5 questions 25 hours a week and not fucking Bridget what's-her-face and then get back to me about that. Ludicrous. The Pats are the fifth-best team in a six-team playoff, and Jen, if Corey Dillon chooses now to show up after Billy Gunning my '05 fantasy season I'm sending a Molotov cocktail 12-pack through his mansion windows.

ALBA: The Pats (for this week), the Bengals (which means I'm going to hide from my mother once the game's over), the Bucs, and the Panthers with the assumption Good Charlotte shows up this week instead of the Bad one.

ALBA: It's 84. No, really. Santa Ana. Yes, it's January 6th. Yes, you can curse me all you want. I'm rocking a 'Bron jersey and shorts. In the immortal word of Brian Griffin: FACE!

ALBA: My new hero Omar, for going into the booth of a strip club in Tijuana and coming out employed. (Also a few ounces lighter, but...)

BUSH: Missing Dave serve the Big Giant Head like a Baked Alaska Tuesday night until last night as a result of the above. The early clubhouse leader of '06 quote of the year--"I have the feeling that about 60% of what you say is crap."--oh, yeah. That sound you heard in the background is a man across the river from the Sullivan almost laughing himself sick. But what to call him? K. Olbermann? No, that's too obvious...let's say Keith O...

ALBA: The first new innovation of the new year Barometer-wise--a plug for the Old School Song of the Week. There were a lot of contenders today, but I'll go with the 808 remix by Blaque. Just barely, though--the last time I heard Another Bad Creation I still thought people could spontaneously combust by having sex.

ALBA: I don't want to confirm anything before confirmation, but Miss S. and I are probably getting together for a date in the near future.

ALBA: The possibility of a two-town four-day birthday celebration next month.

np: the Happy Happy Joy Joy song. Seriously.

That Sound You Hear Is My Slinky Going Duh-Doing-Doing-Doing...

...'cause I ain't never seen an ass like that...and the chick he's with is super-hot, too.

np: "Only U" by Ashanti

The 2005 Barometer

You better get something from the icebox and a cold beverage now. ..this post took an hour over four days in fifteen-minute incriments.

Buckle up.

ALBA: To Victor for introducing this concept as the Cindys last year, which I replicated with the Albas, which mutated into this when I co-co-opted (call the dictionary people) Matt the Basketball's For and Against format and revamped it into something more selfcentric.

BUSH: For earning this name all year long.

ALBA: See above. Oh, hey, this e-mail just returned back from the server...

To: world@earth.net
From: butchman79@hotmail.com
Subject: Jessica Alba
Text:

I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SIX YEARS AGO! DIDN'T I tell you!?! Get your late-pass-having asses the fuck off my bandwagon!

BUSH: Sophia. Could've had something, but apparently Hey Jealousy isn't just a Gin Blossoms song. You live, you learn, she's fucking nutso, you learn...

ALBA: Brenda & Glenda, even if I haven't seen them since. And I thought that was going to be the highpoint of my year.

ALBA: Getting more awesome at bowling. I haven't in too long. But I'm a pin away from doubling my formerly pathetic average!

ALBA: "Oh, no! We just bought tickets!"

BUSH: Not going to Miami. I think.

ALBA: Poker. It's not just fun--it turns out I'm good. Turn-out-a-minor-profit good. The Dark Horse (™ Dule Hill?) will continue riding over the competition in the aught-six.

ALBA: My triumphant return to the stage. I make an awesome Randal. I'm a berzerker...

BUSH: Britney Spears. Bitch, what the fuck happened to you!?

BUSH: Christina Aguilera, for getting married and quiet. See above comment.

ALBA: Kevin Federline. The man's sitting on nine figures and trades up a pregnant chick for a global superstar who doesn't sign prenup? Maybe some people hate on the style he creates 'cause it's straight 2008--I just want to know when I can go to the Learning Annex and take his class.

ALBA: Killing the dresser. It had to die for the greater good.

ALBA: Emptying the accounts to see Snoop & the Game...

BUSH: How was I supposed to know Snoop would come back two more times in the subsequent eight months?

ALBA: Keith Olbermann--or as I like to call him, the Way, the Truth, and the Light...

ALBA: Playing High Fidelity with Liz over the best hot chocolate in the county, back when she was around.

ALBA: Buying X & Y & Crunk Juice & Late Registration.

BUSH: "What songs other than Fix You/Lovers And Friends/Gold Digger?"

BUSH: The 1st Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam. It was like Paul's Boutique--everyone who got loved it, but there were only like 5 of y'all. It was too ahead of it's time, I suppose.

ALBA: The deal I scored in July. (To be continued...)

BUSH: I didn't meet Natalie Portman, and as a result she didn't get to meet her "baby" or record The Best Answering Machine Message In The History Of Mankind.

BUSH: That month between the end of the Comic-Con and before The Trip, during which I have no recollection whatsoever. That was my evil twin what tried to juggle 3 girls, said all the bad things about the President, and didn't tip.

BUSH: Chappelle getting replaced by Carlos "Ned" Mencia is like going to bed with Victoria Silvstedt and waking up with the bus driver from South Park.

ALBA: Tom Cruise is crazy!

ALBA: The guy who left his 3 iPod minis...

ALBA: ...and the look on his face when I said I hadn't seen them.

MOTHER. FUCKING. ALBA.: VEGAS, BABY! How many Albas can I fit into this Alba? Let's find out! Cheap deal on a four-day weekend to a major hotel (3)! Going with my best friends! (5) Seeing the best DJ walking the face of the planet for free (7)! Staying up allllllll night long and going to bed at 7 a.m. (8)! Up at 4 with breakfast at 5 (9)! Getting wasted and walking around (10)! Swimming and not dying to some of my favorite songs (12)! Tom Jones--who--TOM JONES--who--TOM JONES! (13)! Taking a limo to the World's Largest Strip Club and kicking it all night with an awesome woman who happens to be a stripper and can get her legs behind her head and yours while you sip the Heineken and gives lapdances the way they're meant to be had (436,264)! VEGAS, BABY!

ALBA: Steve Gilliard's blog --> which I found in the wake of Katrina.

ALBA: Those poor innocent Carolina cheerleaders.

BUSH: Debt. Vegas, baby.

ALBA: Veronica Mars! One of these days I'm going to hurt something trying to make sweet love to Kristen Bell through the television.

ALBA: My Space.

BUSH: None of you told me! Yes, I'm still pissed! Yes, you deserve to die, and I hope you burn in hell!

ALBA: Patrick Fitzgerald, Hero To Millions.

ALBA: Aaron's birthday party, because it was the shiiiiiiiiiiit.

ALBA: Coaching a bunch of ragtag misfits to the playoffs, 'cause that's how I roll.

BUSH: Tom Cruise is crazy.

ALBA: Halloween weekend. I (was) Rick James, bitch! Got "Give It To Me" baby played in the club just by showing up, got a couple dozen picture requests, got a bunch of people wanting me to fuck their couches, and got the lid shut on the whole Sophia thing. A celebration, indeed.

BUSH: The cancellation of two awesome comedies, Arrested Development and Taradise.

BUSH: Another NaNoWriMo implosion.

ALBA: Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic. And, since I forgot to mention their awesome NC17ness earlier, the Aristocrats.

BUSH: Eddy's passing.

ALBA: Miss S. '06, here we come? He wishes.

ALBA: the Boondocks, for stepping into the aforementioned void.

THE ALBA: Y'all. It doesn't matter if it's Rob bringing me up with one hand and smacking me with the other, it doesn't matter if KRS-One doesn't know the difference between a Cheerio and a Hello, it doesn't matter if Jen's all the way on the other side of the country, it doesn't matter that KMB's Jewish because we share DNA, it doesn't matter that Aaron had the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER, it doesn't matter Amanda's in LA (currently Vail, but bear with me), it doesn't matter Ivan has the short term memory of a fruit fly, it doesn't matter if you're Team Steve and that's how I met you or if you knew me before and were horrified at the memory, or one of the Potentials that didn't come through or the one that might...it doesn't matter.

You do.

Thanks for everything.

And catch you in the '06.

np: "Hook" by Blues Traveler

Get Your Kodak On: December '05

1. Jessica Alba
2. Trish Stratus (2)
3. Angelina Jolie (3)
4. Eva Longoria (5)
5. Shakira (4)
6. JLH (6)
7. Assa Guerass (™ Orangio Inc.) (15)
8. Jessica Biel (9)*
9. Katherine Heigl (17)*
10. Salma Hayek (8)
11. Halle Berry (14)
12. Summer Altice (13)
13. Brooke Burke (11)
14. Kim Smith (21)
15. Jennifer Walcott (20)*
16. Rachel Bilson (10)
17. Carmen Electra (23)
18. Stacy Keibler (7)
19. Josie Maran (12)
20. Charisma Carpenter (19)
21. Beyonce (22)
22. Nikki Cox (24)
23. Shannon Elizabeth (18)
24. Sofia Vergara (16)
25. Raquel Gibson (debut)
26. Gabrielle Union (27)*
27. Alyssa Milano (28)
28. Lacey Chabert (29)
29. Mayra Veronica (debut)
30. Jessica Simpson (26)
31. Esther Baxter (38)
32. Gail Kim (32)
33. Leeann Tweeden (reentry)
34. Ali Landry (36)
35. Mariah Carey (debut)
36. Adriana Lima (31)
37. Kristanna Loken (37)
38. K.D. Aubert (34)
39. Rachel McAdams (debut)
40. Kelly Hu (39)

ALSO RECEIVING VOTES:
Eva Mendez, Jaime Pressly, Eliza Dushku, Maria Menonous, Ashley Hartman, Grace Park, Marisa Miller

DROPPED FROM RANKINGS:
Sarah Shahi (25), Elizabeth Hurley (30), Monica Bellucci (33), Jenny McCarthy (35), Mya (40)


This post is brought to you BAH: "You Make Me Feel Like A Whore" by Everclear

Religious Deity Of Choice (Assuming You Believe In Such Things) Bless Us, Everyone

It's the most wonderful time of the year, when you see how much your people really care about you by how much money they spent.

• scrolling redlighted belt buckle (already club-tested, club-approved)
• Jessica Alba Fantastic 4 poster (Rob is Number One and THE BEST.)
• the Unplugged Jay-Z and best of Destiny's Child CDs (BASKETBALL~~....though I doubt that's the first time Hov and B have shared a box...)
  
• Daily Show 2006 America calendar
  
• Ferris Bueller's Day Off DVD (sorry, Mike. I blame the ham.)
  
• pool stick of their late sister/friend of mine, named in her honor by me (bless you, Danny)
• Madden '06 for the Cube (I love Rob in a completely heterosexual manner)
• same 2 bags of chocolates
• same Best Buy gift certificate
• same Borders gift certificate [Beastie Boys' Solid Gold Hits, headphones, year-end Rolling Stone]
  
• same $35
• pocket Texas Hold 'Em game (too bad it didn't come with instructions; haven't been able to kick the tires on it yet)
• poker set (200 chips, 2 decks)
• 10 piece grooming set

Officially the last year I kill myself getting Mom something. Gift certificates and plenty ofs 'em.

ADDENDUM: And I thought my Christmas was half-assed before! Ah, well, don't stop believin', I guess.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Here Is Gone" by Goo Goo Dolls

The Last KWBR Of 2005

NOT ENOUGH:
"Shake" (12)

15) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (11)
14) My Chemical Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (14)*
13) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Young Buck & Lloyd Banks ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (13)*
12) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (3)
11) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (8)

10) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (15)*
09) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (10)*
08) the White Stripes ¤ The Denial Twist (debut)*
07) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (7)
06) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (2)

05) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (9)*
04) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (4)

03) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It (remix) (6)*

02) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)*

01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) (1) [6w]

This post is brought to you BAH: "Crawling In The Dark" by Hoobstank

This Year's Time Capsule

Best song I downloaded this year
As previously evidenced, "Gold Digger" by Kanye West and "Fix You" by Coldplay.

My favorite new toy
It's a tie between My Space and Natalie the cell. Pictures. 500 numbers...*drool*

Favorite word or phrase of 2005
"George Bush doesn't care about black people." KANYEEZY~ I should send a shout-out to the Pimp's Prayer on the Boondocks ("Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch. And guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that she might learn a ho's place. Amen.") and that triplet on My Sweet 16 who was told by one of her dopplegangers her hair was flopping and she wasn't quite looking right who absorbed the comment and then whispered "You're an evil whore." It's all about the delivery. [ADDENDUM: Can't believe I forgot "You're...you're so glib" by the Increasingly Nutty Scientology Cruiser. What an awesome catch-all that phrase is.]

Fill in the blank: George Bush doesn't care about ______.
Anyone not aligned with him/white/rich/old/American

Band you'd most like to see replace their singer on national TV
Hot Hot Heat and My Chemical Romance should trade, straight up.

Tom Cruise: brainwashed, bullying cult freak or all-seeing, all-knowing seventh-level Thetan?
Gotta be the first one. I can't wait for the divorce in 2011 and Katie turning into the new age Tara Reid. Heard it here first, kids!

Saddest celebrity breakup
Kirstie Alley and restraint.

Man crush of the year
Patrick Fitzgerald. But it's more what's he's doin' for a brother than actual looks.

Best sex I've had all year
I think I had some sort of Tantric orgasm during Sin City.

Obsession of the year
Besides the 'nann, probably...uh...Jessica somebody-or-other.

Biggest disappointment of the year
The majority of America(ns).

Trend I'm most sick of
If you don't agree with something we're doing, the terrorists are winning. Now shut up and eat your pine cone.

Rock star moment of the year
It's got something to with brushing up on check-out time, and being in the World's Largest Strip Club on a Sunday, and a girl named Kelly who smelled like tangerine and was ludicrously soft, and "Don't Cha" was in there, and my friends too. That might be the rock star moment of my life to date just for being so goddamn awesome on so many levels.

Biggest time-suck
My Space. You start seeing if your friends say anything, then you start checking on people from high school, then you find some bands, play some FreeCell--next thing you know that thing in your eyes is the rising sun. It's happened.

Favorite sign of the apocalypse
Probably "Hollaback Girl". You know it's a signal.

Most expensive purchase
Vegas--but it did lead to the most rock star moment, so...

Ambition for 2006
Finishing the novel, the committed relationship (Ms. Ssssssss, come out and play), fiduciary and living freedom, the violent death of hipsters, coastal domination, and, of course, finally getting Jessica Alba's attention

This post is brought to you BAH: "Just A Friend" by THE BIZ~!

Two Five, Oh Five

This year?

Fucking strange.

It looks like ugly people writing and playing their own music is the new/old black, so hooray for that. The mashups went from DJ work to literal: Snoop Dogg got together with Justin Timberlake, Kanye West with the lead singer of Maroon 5, and Nas with his dad to do an ambitious hip hop and blues crossover meld. 50 Cent was everywhere, so was Pharrell, and there was the little matter of a bunch of punk's modern-day rock opera creasing the gap and giving guitar a voice again.

This year, 25 songs and about 25 different artists: mostly groups, some soloists breaking free, more than a few collabs, and, of course, the song with the most pertinent question of the year.

Fun times!

In awards held prior to the kickoff of the top 25:

Off-Key Singalong Of The Year went to Fat Joe, for the chorus of "So Much More". Worst Song of the Year is a tie between Cassidy and...Cassidy. Fuck him. Ripped off Hov' and K-Os--I hope he does 15 just for that stupid-ass bitchmade "Hustla Dance" alone. The prestigious Opening Line of the Year award went to Franz Ferdinand's "Do You Want To"--when I woke up tonight, I said I'm gonna make somebody love me, and the Line of the Year award? I think Aaron knew who

MIKE JONES!

who?

MIKE JONES!

was going to get this one--back then, they didn't want me, now I'm hot, they all on me. So true, Mike. So very true. As for Riff, Hook, and Guilty Pleasure? Oh, and Song of the Year alongside Incubus, the Peppers, Nirvana, Coldplay, and Hova? Shuffle up and deal--I mean, let's do this bitch.

YOU GOT A REACTION, DIDN'T YOU (HONORABLE MENTION)
Hot Hot Heat - Middle Of Nowhere
Common - Go
Ludacris - Number One Spot
Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake - Signs
T.I. - Bring 'Em Out
Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
Weezer - Beverly Hills
Jimmy Eat World - Futures

GOTTA GOTTA BE DOWN BECAUSE I WANT IT ALL
#25 ¤ Franz Ferdinand ¤ This Fire
With "Do You Want To" '06 eligible and in the honorable mention category, this love song to pogo to kicks off this year's list. You could have it so much better when you're deeply in lust, apparently. (Oh, who'm I kidding? I know that's true.)

#24 ¤ Lloyd Banks feat. Avant ¤ Karma (remix)
Last year Young Buck did a spot better, If Memory Serves Me Correctly. My personal favorite of the 50ettes lyrically comes up with a mellow jam about groupie love--though if there are any groupies that look like K.D. Aubert I need to learn an instrument like now.

#23 ¤ the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret ['06 eligible]
Speaking of songs about groupie love! The AAR prove that the best things in life aren't free, they're the ones with pigtails you've got to creep with behind closed doors to make their best song yet with their typically worm-its-way-into-your-brain choruses. Soon to be coming to a teen drama soundtrack near you.

#22 ¤ T.I. ¤ You Don't Know Me
So, Bring 'Em Out almost makes it (and shows Cassidy how you really should use your lifted Hova hook), and at the end of that video a chorus and some of the first verse played to this. And thus, the club jam King of the South got out of that mold with a head bussa anthem that makes you want to catch somebody in the mouth with a fist. You really want to scrap against an ex-con?

#21 ¤ Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps ['06]
Bill Simmons on Rocky IV: What an awful, ludicrous movie. I loved it. And so the song that drove me crazy at the Vivianbury one night within the week starts to creep in my mind at work...and then starts getting played at the clubs...and then begins to get a rumpatastic video...and it occurs to me--what is this random girl going to do with all this junk? All this junk inside her trunk? And is she seeing anybody? I mean, I've seen Fergie live. She almost had me spending all that money on her and spending time on her. I do sort of miss the old Black Eyed Peas sometimes, but damn lookit all that ass!

#20 ¤ Louis XIV ¤ Finding Out True Love Is Blind
619 repraSENT! And they say unto all the girls on Garnet down to all the girls on Revolucion and the girls on 4th and 5th in between, give us your high heels, your body glitter, your tube tops yearning to breathe free, the regulation hotties of this Pacific shore. Send these girls, buzzed at least, to my door. My personal favorite would be the girl in the front with the tight pants, probably.

#19 ¤ the Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ How We Do
This is one of those songs that grew on me during the course of the year, as another decendent of Dre rides hand claps and talks about the finer things in life: drug slinging, gunning down your enemies, and fucking some bitches. I wouldn't bet against seeing either of these men again on this list, by the way.

#18 ¤ System Of A Down ¤ BYOB
My initial idea of the opening one: My God is a violent one with dormant eels... it turns out it's Barbarisms by Barbaras with pointed heels. See, I had a good line, they had a better one. This year's "American Idiot" works out with schizophrenic tempo changes, a Pee-Wee friendly bridge, and lyrics that really took hold in the latter half of the year. Seems appropriate seeing the sea change in the Democrats between Cindy Sheehan, the Leak, and the 56k Katrina response that my immediate response has been all year in regards to the elections last year And where the fuck are YOU!?

#17 ¤ Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That ['06]
Since I say it every year, what better place to say it than here: that Pharrell kid's going to be somebody someday. You watch. The man behind seemingly every halfway decent non-Dre beat this millennium big ups Miami tourism, ludicrously expensive watches, and Verizon services over a minimal drum beat. I'm sure Gwen's cashed an easier check in her life--I just don't see how.

#16 ¤ Ludacris ¤ Get Back
Maybe I'm the only one, but I sort of think of this as a companion piece to "Stand Up" after the fire marshal shuts things down. The opening clarion call from the Red Light District featured an awesomely surreal Spike Jonze video (do they come any other way?) and sent a clear message: I will fuck you up--the minute I get done with this two-step.

#15 ¤ Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go (The Whistle Song) ['06]
July: What the fuck was that?
August: Is that actually a song?
September: This guy's from DipShit? I hate DipShit!
October: Damn, that's a nice hook.
November: GodDAMN, that's a nice hook.
December: Knocks off "Gold Digger" after 3 months on top, currently #1.

It doesn't win Hook of the Year, but only by so little. It doesn't win Guilty Pleasure of the Year, but only by so little. The moral of the lesson, as usual: you got to keep your ears as open as your mind.

#14 ¤ the Killers ¤ All These Things That I've Done
Sure, everybody loved "Somebody Told Me" and "Mr. Brightside" but this has always been my favorite song of theirs since I heard it last year. (Hilariously, this was the last add to the list because I added the song after I saw them in concert last year, forgetting it wasn't released as a single until this one.) It was the song that turned me around on them, and what a song: if any a year demanded a liberal brother to have soul but not be a soldier, this was the one. Plus, my affection came and went this year more than any other.

GUILTYPLEASUREoftheyear
#13 ¤ Gwen Stefani ¤ Hollaback Girl
You're thinking of it right now, aren't ya? After the Mrs. Rossdale's Wild Ride that was "What You Waiting For?", out came "Rich Girl". And America was instantly doomed. It was Fiddler on the Roof! How much catchier could things get? That boy Pharrell again--he's going to...oh, I used it already. Pwamp. It's very hard to remain masculine and straight when you're in the club singing this at the top of your lungs and doing the two-step stomp. Recycled Queen? A tip of the cap to Toni Basil? Spelling? In 2005?! Gwen got it wrong; this shit wasn't bananas, it was nuts.

RIFFoftheyear
#12 ¤ the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell ['06]
Some of you may say the riff of the year can't come from a piano. Some of you need to make your own fucking lists. You know, the Stripes probably should've gotten on for "Blue Orchid", too, but this throwback to 1937 South from a 2005 Detroit twosome was just too unique, too awesomely double entendred, and too well played on the ivories to ignore. It's cool they actually make the sounds that make us feel right at home, even if no one can expect what sounds are coming next.

#11 ¤ Tori Alamaze/Pussycat Dolls feat. Busta Rhymes ¤ Don't Cha
By the way, if there'd be such a category as Best Song To Get A Lapdance To, it would've split it with "Oh". Said he of the majorly biased, Kelli-influenced opinion. I still believe someone saw the shirt "Don't you wish you were fucking this instead of the ugly bitch you're with?" and a song was born. I always wondered what happened to Eden's Crush.

Oh, it's about to get fun now.

#10 ¤ Ying Yang Twins ¤ Wait (The Whisper Song)
I still can't believe this aired. I still can't believe this got a video. I really can't believe this didn't win hook of the year. Bush got re-elected weeks before this got out! HOW!? How the hell did this song happen!?

#9 ¤ Mario ¤ Let Me Love You
All right, fine, I'll eat the crow on this one. Yes, it's a perfect R&B song. Yes, the beat is insistent without being annoying. And yes, Mario does the please-baby-baby-please spiel perfectly for that hot girl in every guy's life who's shacking up with a Federline. But if you think I'm forgiving you for that soul-raping remake of "Just A Friend", Judas Priest, son, you've got another thing coming!

#8 ¤ Audioslave ¤ Be Yourself
You've got Chris Cornell. You've got the non-militant part of Rage Against the Machine. And for our opening act this album...we're going to do the exact opposite of how we opened the last album and make you wonder if that new Chili Peppers album got out early. Ironically, by making this song of self-reliance, they proved the hard driving rock that'd put Lexuses in their garages wasn't all that they could do.

#7 ¤ Destiny's Child ¤ Lose My Breath
Drums, please! Ah, we're all going to miss Kelly and what's-her-face by this time next year, so it's only appropriate the girls go out the way they came in: too bootylicious for any guy to really bring the noise. Well, except this guy out in New York. But he barely even spits on the mic anymore. I'm sure I'll be able to snag B any day now. Yep. Any day.

HOOKoftheyear
#6 ¤ Amerie ¤ 1 Thing
In the immortal words of John Fitzgerald Kennedy as he accepted the Presidency of the United States, damn, that shit's funky! Whoever took lil' miss "Why Don't We Just Fall In Love?" and turned her into a hair-sticking-to-forehead worn-out drooling sloppy mess: thank you. Next time, post some video, too.

And here you go--the best 5 songs of the year.

FIVE
The Game feat. 50 Cent ¤ Hate It Or Love It
Peaked at #1 in March
With an assisst to the Reverend, the former allies tell their own version of "Hard Knock Life" with a surprisingly upbeat message at the core of the song. Though I do suggest if Game could barely do a minute of this live before, it's only going to get worse if his career continues to flourish. (And we'll all pretend that Mary J. remake didn't happen.)

FOUR
50 Cent ¤ Disco Inferno
Peaked at #1 in February and March. And again in April. And again in May.
A few songs have done it twice. None of them three times. Simplify, says Thoreau. So it stands to reason in a year that I fell in love with the get-that-backfield-in-motion club banger the pre-eminent name in hip hop would make the ass-shaking anthem of the year, right? And there is that little matter of the real video of the year that you'd probably only be able to catch late night on BET Uncut. SO worth it, though!

THREE
Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris ¤ Lovers And Friends
Peaked at #1 in January and February
I wish I was young again, and it's not just because technology's advancing at an advanced rate, and not just because I've gotten wiser as the time's gone on, and it's not just because there are going to be 3 ESPNs any day now--

--but if I was a younger man, and could get next to a younger woman? This would've been my prom song. And it would've been the best prom song EVER. The Bizarro World "Yeah!", what can you say? Lil' Jon actually like, sings sings, and it's all about love. (Sort of.) That alone would've gotten it on the list. Add Ludacris' usual sterling guess work and Usher's usual crooning, and you have the first half Song of the Year.

But...

...

..

.

SONGS OF THE YEAR
Coldplay ¤ Fix You
Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger
Peaked at #1 from the Fourth Of July to Thanksgiving, combined.

So before this year a song had never debuted at #1 before. Coldplay did. And Kanye took all of two weeks to get there and bump them out. Both came out with inferior opening singles on new albums I'd been waiting for, otherwise there might've been a huge difference. Triple H was boring me to death on a RAW, so I channel flipped and found Coldplay previewing X & Y. I think I came in on the second verse and completely forgot. Everything. What I had been watching, where I was, what day it was (June 6). All I knew is that this was the Coldplay song, even more than "Trouble", "Amsterdam", or '03 favorite "The Scientist". I just kept hearing the hallelujah break and the end over and over in my head.

And then they opened the album with "Speed Of Sound"! Fuckers!

Needless to say, when "Fix You"'s turn came up on the radio, it was game over for the year.

Of course.

She take my money when I'm in neeeeeeed!

What the--Ray Charles?

Yeah, she's a triflin' friend indeed!

How can this be?!

Lord, she a gold digger way over town that digs on me...

And all of a sudden it sounded like someone beating down a door. How right my ear was.

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke niggas...

Maybe it was because I was more into the scene this year. Maybe it's just because Kanye's ludicrously awesome. But as I listened to this poor hapless son of a bitch suffer baby momma drama, it struck a chord in me. Haven't been there. But we've all been there. This just in: I WANT PRENUP, YEAH! (Oh, if only Jessica Simpson's brains matched her chest.) You don't know whether to laugh, comisserate, or just shake your head (how many funny Michael snaps does K-Dub have left?) --and that's before what would've won Closing Line of the Year. Which is only true if they're hotter than you are, girls!

When I kept flip-flopping #2 and #1 based on my mood that second, I knew it was a draw. And there you go.

Maybe I need a playoff.

This post is brought to you BAH: "Hit That" by the Offspring

KWBR

WHEN IT'S OVER:
"Hustler's Ambition" (8)
"Testify" (14)

15) Chamillionaire feat. Lil' Flip ¤ Turn It Up (debut)
14) My Chemical Romance ¤ Ghost Of You (15)*
13) Tony Yayo feat. 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks and Young Buck ¤ I Know You Don't Love Me (debut)
12) Ying Yang Twins feat. Pitbull ¤ Shake (9)
11) Coldplay ¤ Fix You (11)

10) Weezer ¤ Perfect Situation (13)*
09) Fall Out Boy ¤ Dance, Dance (12)*
08) Franz Ferdinand ¤ Do You Want To (10)
07) the All-American Rejects ¤ Dirty Little Secret (6)
06) Chris Brown feat. Juelz Santana ¤ Run It [remix] (7)*

05) Black Eyed Peas ¤ My Humps (5)
04) Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx ¤ Gold Digger (3)

03) Pharrell feat. Gwen Stefani ¤ Can I Have It Like That (2)

02) the White Stripes ¤ My Doorbell (4)*

01) Juelz Santana ¤ There It Go [The Whistle Song] (1) [1m]

This post is brought to you BAH: "Public Enemy Number One" by Public Enemy

Rob Sheffield: This Bastard Owes Me Some Cash, No?

It's one of them title-click deals. What do you think of the new name? Better suggestions?