What's about 85,000 deep, running over with freaks, eight blocks long, three floors deep, and ready to get down all night long?
You guessed it--the line behind Paris Hilton. ha ha ha SNAP.
Nope, it's the annual Comic Con. Every July we host the digerati and let the freak flag fly over head as the normally staid and boring SDCC gets overrun with hobbitses, wizards, artisians, and every so often, a girl or two. (Most thought lyrics during the day: All you Trekkies and TV addicts/don't mean to diss don't mean to bring static/all you Klingons living in your grandma's house/grab your backstreet friend and get loud)
People who read the-then ASCTR at this time last year know it is my favorite convention to come by during the course of a year. I'd rather be continually amused than drifting off to Byzantium and at the most boring times, you can watch the Storm Troopers or Ghostbusters getting interviewed by a local female news anchor whose off-camera face clearly says "I obviously need to work on giving better head."
During more intensive moments, you're too busy to worry about how slow time is going, and sometimes you even manage to get a little flirt on.
And, every so often, you get to see, meet, get an autograph from, and a picture with Kitana Baker. So that was a fun highlight today. Worked a little overtime, which I'm fine with because I'm off next week. But, c'mon, how often do you get a Playmate just walking up to your door at work? Got to looooooooove the ComicCon. Kinda sad I missed "Bubba Ho-Tep" in a community environment, though.
Tomorrow on the Heath Ledger, Keanu Reeves is showing up. In news that matters to ME and ergo you, Iyari Limon's coming back, Michael "Thanks, I Can Never Listen To Stealers Wheel Again" Madsen's due to pop in, Jessica Biel, and what I am sure to be a sign of reciprocation after getting royally assfucked on this front a year ago, ELIZA DUSHKU.
Have I mentioned Jessica Alba's coming Saturday? Once or twice? HM? 'Cause she is.
I'm so tempted to hang around after my shift ends tomorrow night and see if I see any Harley Quinns or Frodos dancing in the clubs...
Ambient music: Weezer's "Say It Ain't So"
7/22/04
7/21/04
The Ridicuously Large ID Card
LAYER ONE:
Name: Butch
Birth date: 9 February 1979
Birth place: Pittsburgh
Current location: North Tijuana
Eye color: brown
Hair color: black
Height: almost 5'8". At least that's what it was the last time I checked.
Righty or lefty: SINISTER~!
Zodiac sign: Aquarium
LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: pigmentally advantaged-American
Your weakness: Swiss Cake rolls, peanut butter cups, hot brunettes
Your fears: heights, dying alone, needles
Your perfect pizza: deep dish, covered in pepperonis and mushrooms, and partially in Jessica Alba's mouth
Goals you'd like to achieve: author, filthy stinking rich, the boring-ass cliched American Dream. But with a pet snake.
LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on IM: [angry face emoticon]
Your first thoughts waking up: Bah.
Your best physical feature: If anyone who's seen me can answer this for me in the comments...
Your most missed memory: The few times I had fun in high school that mostly got eaten alive by the Prom Incident
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi on this side of the border
McDonalds or Burger King: PANDA EXPRESS. That orange chicken is laced with nicotine or something...
Single or group dates: Single. Prefer the man-to-man D.
Adidas or Nike: Nike, with the exception of Chuck Taylor. And I guess my Phat Farms.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Iced tea can lick my hairy beanbag.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
Cappucino or Hot Coffee: no.
LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nah
Cuss: like a motherfucker
Sing: a lot
Take a shower everyday: Yeah. Off days I plan to sit on my ass I half-ass it, but it still counts dammit!
Do you think you've ever been in love: I know I have.
Want to go to college: I almost want to finish
Like high school: I could count the good times on one hand. Possibly deformed, too.
Want to get married: I am flipping and flopping on this issue. Right now...sure, what the hell.
Believe in yourself: When the booze is working, am I right or amIright?!
Get motion sickness: Not I
Think you're attractive: Not really.
Think you're a health freak: I'm sorry, I was busy drowning this steak in A1. What?
Get along with your parents: Generally. But then again I avoid them a lot.
Like thunderstorms: I wouldn't say I like them. They amuse me.
Play an instrument: I should've learned to play the geetar. I should've learned to play them drums.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: lemme hear a "Hell, yeah!"
Done a drug: Nope
Made out: No
Gone on a date: No. Met some cool girls in the course of being a semi-barfly, though. And there's the whole shadow of my ex and whatnot. But that's another story for another time.
Gone to the mall: Yeah. And I feared and respected the escalator.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Someday.
Eaten sushi: Nope.
Been on stage: Negatory
Gone skating: NO.
Made homemade cookies: Pffffft.
Gone skinny dipping: No. I can barely DIP, I don't need to push my luck in that department.
Dyed your hair: Nuh-uh
Stolen anything: I was out of some places like I stole something heh heh heh. I don't have to fucking impress you.
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
If so, was it mixed company: Yeah
Been trashed or completely intoxicated: A bunch of times!
Been caught "doing something": I refuse to answer this question until the judges define "something"
Been called a tease: No. And attractive women, I'm a borderline slut.
Gotten beaten up: Not for a few years.
Shoplifted: No
Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no. People changed to fit in around ME.
LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Got me. Just don't want to be The Old Guy in the Club, as Rock would say.
Numbers and names of children: Hey, here's an idea--instead of pressing me for family shit, how about you hook me up with a good woman? All you do is sit there and ask me questions, and what do I get in return? JACK! That's what I get. You lazy shiftless bastard, if you were real I'd kick your ass for being a clownshoe.
How do you want to die: I don't.
What do you most want to be when you grow up: A writer who's living comfortably by the Pacific.
What country would you most like to visit: Canada.
One word to describe yourself: dichotomy
LAYER NINE:
What do you look for in the opposite sex: See, that's more like it. Sense of humor, brains without having to show off, opinions without having to force them or cave to others, good disposition. Also, my heart hates uggos. Sorry, but I went without for too long and I've got to make the time up. Don't worry, I think Janeane Garafolo's hot so my spectrum of babeosity's a little wider than what Madison Avenue chucks at me (and I also accept, 'cause, you know).
Best eye color: WTF I care? They could be GLASS.
Best hair color: I'd prefer black, but it could be blonde. And I'm wondering if the redhead rumors are true. In short, have some. Or a clean scalp in lieu of that.
Short or long hair?: In my mind's eye it's long but most of the previous have short. DICHOTOMY.
Best height?: Don't care, but I will say a girl MUCH taller than me could lead to issues. If she's willing to bend a lot, I'm willing to tough it out. Oh, that's real funny, asshole. You sicken me.
Best weight: I don't want anybody nicknamed Eclipse. Homer's Rule.
Best articles of clothing: This has nothing to do with anything but ever since that one episode of Boy Meets World I've wanted a beautiful woman to wear a jersey with skimpy panties underneath. You're right, I'm sick, I need help.
Best first date location: Depends on what she's into. I would love to go to a karaoke bar and just go nuts, though. Hard to believe I'm single, huh?
Best first kiss location: It happens where it happens. Just a natural extension of the other stuff snowballing. I'll be smarky and say Hawaii.
LAYER TEN:
Number of people I could trust with my life: outside the family, three.
Number of CD's I own: around 60, now
Number of piercings: <>
Number of tattoos: <>
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: none, unless you count the ones I worked on.
Number of scars on my body: a bunch
Number of things in my past I regret: I'd take a handful of stuff to keep and press a reset button if I could
Ambient music: the Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man"
Name: Butch
Birth date: 9 February 1979
Birth place: Pittsburgh
Current location: North Tijuana
Eye color: brown
Hair color: black
Height: almost 5'8". At least that's what it was the last time I checked.
Righty or lefty: SINISTER~!
Zodiac sign: Aquarium
LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: pigmentally advantaged-American
Your weakness: Swiss Cake rolls, peanut butter cups, hot brunettes
Your fears: heights, dying alone, needles
Your perfect pizza: deep dish, covered in pepperonis and mushrooms, and partially in Jessica Alba's mouth
Goals you'd like to achieve: author, filthy stinking rich, the boring-ass cliched American Dream. But with a pet snake.
LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on IM: [angry face emoticon]
Your first thoughts waking up: Bah.
Your best physical feature: If anyone who's seen me can answer this for me in the comments...
Your most missed memory: The few times I had fun in high school that mostly got eaten alive by the Prom Incident
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi on this side of the border
McDonalds or Burger King: PANDA EXPRESS. That orange chicken is laced with nicotine or something...
Single or group dates: Single. Prefer the man-to-man D.
Adidas or Nike: Nike, with the exception of Chuck Taylor. And I guess my Phat Farms.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Iced tea can lick my hairy beanbag.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
Cappucino or Hot Coffee: no.
LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nah
Cuss: like a motherfucker
Sing: a lot
Take a shower everyday: Yeah. Off days I plan to sit on my ass I half-ass it, but it still counts dammit!
Do you think you've ever been in love: I know I have.
Want to go to college: I almost want to finish
Like high school: I could count the good times on one hand. Possibly deformed, too.
Want to get married: I am flipping and flopping on this issue. Right now...sure, what the hell.
Believe in yourself: When the booze is working, am I right or amIright?!
Get motion sickness: Not I
Think you're attractive: Not really.
Think you're a health freak: I'm sorry, I was busy drowning this steak in A1. What?
Get along with your parents: Generally. But then again I avoid them a lot.
Like thunderstorms: I wouldn't say I like them. They amuse me.
Play an instrument: I should've learned to play the geetar. I should've learned to play them drums.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: lemme hear a "Hell, yeah!"
Done a drug: Nope
Made out: No
Gone on a date: No. Met some cool girls in the course of being a semi-barfly, though. And there's the whole shadow of my ex and whatnot. But that's another story for another time.
Gone to the mall: Yeah. And I feared and respected the escalator.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Someday.
Eaten sushi: Nope.
Been on stage: Negatory
Gone skating: NO.
Made homemade cookies: Pffffft.
Gone skinny dipping: No. I can barely DIP, I don't need to push my luck in that department.
Dyed your hair: Nuh-uh
Stolen anything: I was out of some places like I stole something heh heh heh. I don't have to fucking impress you.
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
If so, was it mixed company: Yeah
Been trashed or completely intoxicated: A bunch of times!
Been caught "doing something": I refuse to answer this question until the judges define "something"
Been called a tease: No. And attractive women, I'm a borderline slut.
Gotten beaten up: Not for a few years.
Shoplifted: No
Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no. People changed to fit in around ME.
LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Got me. Just don't want to be The Old Guy in the Club, as Rock would say.
Numbers and names of children: Hey, here's an idea--instead of pressing me for family shit, how about you hook me up with a good woman? All you do is sit there and ask me questions, and what do I get in return? JACK! That's what I get. You lazy shiftless bastard, if you were real I'd kick your ass for being a clownshoe.
How do you want to die: I don't.
What do you most want to be when you grow up: A writer who's living comfortably by the Pacific.
What country would you most like to visit: Canada.
One word to describe yourself: dichotomy
LAYER NINE:
What do you look for in the opposite sex: See, that's more like it. Sense of humor, brains without having to show off, opinions without having to force them or cave to others, good disposition. Also, my heart hates uggos. Sorry, but I went without for too long and I've got to make the time up. Don't worry, I think Janeane Garafolo's hot so my spectrum of babeosity's a little wider than what Madison Avenue chucks at me (and I also accept, 'cause, you know).
Best eye color: WTF I care? They could be GLASS.
Best hair color: I'd prefer black, but it could be blonde. And I'm wondering if the redhead rumors are true. In short, have some. Or a clean scalp in lieu of that.
Short or long hair?: In my mind's eye it's long but most of the previous have short. DICHOTOMY.
Best height?: Don't care, but I will say a girl MUCH taller than me could lead to issues. If she's willing to bend a lot, I'm willing to tough it out. Oh, that's real funny, asshole. You sicken me.
Best weight: I don't want anybody nicknamed Eclipse. Homer's Rule.
Best articles of clothing: This has nothing to do with anything but ever since that one episode of Boy Meets World I've wanted a beautiful woman to wear a jersey with skimpy panties underneath. You're right, I'm sick, I need help.
Best first date location: Depends on what she's into. I would love to go to a karaoke bar and just go nuts, though. Hard to believe I'm single, huh?
Best first kiss location: It happens where it happens. Just a natural extension of the other stuff snowballing. I'll be smarky and say Hawaii.
LAYER TEN:
Number of people I could trust with my life: outside the family, three.
Number of CD's I own: around 60, now
Number of piercings: <>
Number of tattoos: <>
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: none, unless you count the ones I worked on.
Number of scars on my body: a bunch
Number of things in my past I regret: I'd take a handful of stuff to keep and press a reset button if I could
Ambient music: the Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man"
7/18/04
Swept Away
Fuck tonight's games: 112, 99, 122 and lost the last two by three each. TEN NINES in the thirty frames. TEN! AND four splits to boot.
About the only positive I find is the average keeps going up, and out of the three games that didn't hit the triple digits, two of them are 99s.
Ambient music: D12's "Fight Music"
About the only positive I find is the average keeps going up, and out of the three games that didn't hit the triple digits, two of them are 99s.
Ambient music: D12's "Fight Music"
7/14/04
DADDY NEEDS A CALMATIVE
To quote NASA after Neil Armstrong touched down on the lunar surface for the first time in August 1969: holy SHIT.
7/24/03
2:00-3:00
Dimension Films: Sin City
Comic-Con attendees will be treated to an exclusive panel on Sin City, a feature film based on the series of comic books and graphic novels created, written, and illustrated by Frank Miller. Sin City is a series of stories of vengeance and redemption set in the grimiest, toughest city in the world. The film will incorporate storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including Sin City, which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series as well as That Yellow Bastard and The Big Fat Kill. Confirmed guests include Frank Miller, director Robert Rodriguez, and cast members Jessica Alba, Jamie King and Rosario Dawson.
If I meet Jessica Alba, it's OVER. You understand me? O V E R. I don't know if I mean my heart or the best part of my life but oh vee ay heche O V A H. Maybe I need to get back into praying...
Ambient music: Madness' "One Step Beyond"
7/24/03
2:00-3:00
Dimension Films: Sin City
Comic-Con attendees will be treated to an exclusive panel on Sin City, a feature film based on the series of comic books and graphic novels created, written, and illustrated by Frank Miller. Sin City is a series of stories of vengeance and redemption set in the grimiest, toughest city in the world. The film will incorporate storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including Sin City, which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series as well as That Yellow Bastard and The Big Fat Kill. Confirmed guests include Frank Miller, director Robert Rodriguez, and cast members Jessica Alba, Jamie King and Rosario Dawson.
If I meet Jessica Alba, it's OVER. You understand me? O V E R. I don't know if I mean my heart or the best part of my life but oh vee ay heche O V A H. Maybe I need to get back into praying...
Ambient music: Madness' "One Step Beyond"
7/10/04
Pocket 10
Past tense: "Roses", 5; "Growing On Me", 6; "Blow It Out Your Ass", 7; "All Falls Down", 9; "My Band", 10
(10) Modest Mouse ==> Float On [debut]
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute [debut]
(08) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks [debut]
(07) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love [8]*
(06) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue [4]
(05) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded [debut]
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion [debut]
(03) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out [3]*
(02) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out [2]
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems [1, 6w]
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses", live
(10) Modest Mouse ==> Float On [debut]
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute [debut]
(08) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks [debut]
(07) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love [8]*
(06) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue [4]
(05) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded [debut]
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion [debut]
(03) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out [3]*
(02) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out [2]
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems [1, 6w]
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses", live
7/9/04
The New Million Dollar Man?
10k before the first commercial. That's like the dream I have where I open the door and it's Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie's limo broke down on the way to the blowjob contest but since the tow trucks are on strike they have to use me as a warmup judge.
52k for the day.
28 days.
$920,960.
Ken Jennings, Man of the Half-Year.
Ambient music: Eminem's "Lose Yourself"
52k for the day.
28 days.
$920,960.
Ken Jennings, Man of the Half-Year.
Ambient music: Eminem's "Lose Yourself"
7/6/04
Breaking the Circle
So, Edwards got VP, and I'm watching Network, so that's the quote you get until Dumbass gets voted off the island in November.
Just go to the polls.
You ought to be mad as hell, and you shouldn't take this anymore.
Just go to the polls.
You ought to be mad as hell, and you shouldn't take this anymore.
7/5/04
Blast You, Music Industry and/or Clubbing!
I can see it before the summer really even gets going: that "Culo"/"Move Ya Body" beat is going to become my If it weren't for my horse.... Oh, sure, I THINK I'm tapping out a blog entry but in my mind it's DUN dundun DUN dundun DUN dundun (optional drunken yell of CULO!)
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Ambient music: the Jets' "You Got It All"
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Ambient music: the Jets' "You Got It All"
7/3/04
A Brief Demonstration Of Why Everyone Should Buy Glued to the Set
I am watching a bit of the Wimbledon this morning. Maria Sharapova hits a shot that may or may not be legal. Instant replay comes up. Who do I have to thank for this? Some button-pusher in New York? A camerman in London?
Of course not.
It's all thanks to JFK getting his head put in El Paso.
Let me explain.
JFK gets shot. Putting aside the conspiracy theories and all of that, Lee Harvey Oswald shoots him. LHO gets to be a celebrity, in much the way I get to use "to impress Jodie Foster" as a running joke for why I do things. So the media would like an explanation, even when Oswald doesn't say anything. It's pre-CNN--a lot of buildup waiting for actual news.
And then they make actual news (inadvertantly (?)) happen.
Enough pressure is put on the now-harried Dallas P.D. to let them have more access to cover Oswald, in the hopes he'll say something. So they change the time of his being moved. It's in a hallway. All three networks are covering it, though only NBC is doing so live.
Now check this shit: because all this craziness happens, it allows some guy, and since this is America we'll give him a homogonous name like Jack--to shoot Oswald. LIVE. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Needless to say...well, hell, and I quote:
Thus television changed history twice on that day--first by literally setting up Ruby with his opportunity, and then providing America with its first dramatic, watch-it-as-it-happens national news event. From Ruby's bullet, to CNN in Baghdad, to O.J.'s Bronco case, the news would never be the same as it sought to capture--and sometimes create--similar events.
SO, once that happens, NBC & CBS have fucked up. Can't interview Oswald--dead. Can't interview Ruby--interrogated. So you know what they did, since all the networks were enjoying rare incest due to the assassination?
They got copies of the shooting from NBC.
And ran them for hours straight. With people to comment on it, and observe from the outside despite having not been there. Sound familiar?
That's about a chapter out of 60 in GttS. And seeing as we all watch TV like good consumerist Americans, you need to read this book. Why should we credit Rod Serling to be the first man to "keep it real"? How the hell did Bob Newhart stay on the air seemingly forever? How come the Cosby Show seems played and yet episodes of Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke seem to have that burp that locked in freshness? GttS knows, and it's worth whatever Amazon'll dock you to find out.
Ambient music: Ozzy's "Crazy Train"
Of course not.
It's all thanks to JFK getting his head put in El Paso.
Let me explain.
JFK gets shot. Putting aside the conspiracy theories and all of that, Lee Harvey Oswald shoots him. LHO gets to be a celebrity, in much the way I get to use "to impress Jodie Foster" as a running joke for why I do things. So the media would like an explanation, even when Oswald doesn't say anything. It's pre-CNN--a lot of buildup waiting for actual news.
And then they make actual news (inadvertantly (?)) happen.
Enough pressure is put on the now-harried Dallas P.D. to let them have more access to cover Oswald, in the hopes he'll say something. So they change the time of his being moved. It's in a hallway. All three networks are covering it, though only NBC is doing so live.
Now check this shit: because all this craziness happens, it allows some guy, and since this is America we'll give him a homogonous name like Jack--to shoot Oswald. LIVE. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Needless to say...well, hell, and I quote:
Thus television changed history twice on that day--first by literally setting up Ruby with his opportunity, and then providing America with its first dramatic, watch-it-as-it-happens national news event. From Ruby's bullet, to CNN in Baghdad, to O.J.'s Bronco case, the news would never be the same as it sought to capture--and sometimes create--similar events.
SO, once that happens, NBC & CBS have fucked up. Can't interview Oswald--dead. Can't interview Ruby--interrogated. So you know what they did, since all the networks were enjoying rare incest due to the assassination?
They got copies of the shooting from NBC.
And ran them for hours straight. With people to comment on it, and observe from the outside despite having not been there. Sound familiar?
That's about a chapter out of 60 in GttS. And seeing as we all watch TV like good consumerist Americans, you need to read this book. Why should we credit Rod Serling to be the first man to "keep it real"? How the hell did Bob Newhart stay on the air seemingly forever? How come the Cosby Show seems played and yet episodes of Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke seem to have that burp that locked in freshness? GttS knows, and it's worth whatever Amazon'll dock you to find out.
Ambient music: Ozzy's "Crazy Train"
7/2/04
What Is Bad-Ass Motherfucker For $737,000?
So I finally saw this Ken dude on the Jeopardy tonight and he is what they in the hood (where I'm from) call THE TRUTH, SON.
He got $10k in the opening round. IN THE OPENING ROUND! If Jesus came back to Earth and got on Jeopardy He would be lucky if he came out with $7,500. He blew a couple and when a woman closed within 4g he got the last 11 to close out Double Jeopardy. The board, if memory serves me correctly, holds only 30 spaces.
22 DAYS IN A ROW. I want to see some blood come out of him. I think he's a cyborg. Can we just lock him in a room and make him some sort of oracle who solves all our Pressing Issues and whatnot? Can he be our new Jebus? I bet he'd only take 3 days.
Seriously, if it comes on Monday, invest half an hour in Jeopardy and watch him work. It's like some Jordan jumper Biggie rhyming Picasso painting shit when he's on. To quote a wise Sicilian, inconCEIVable!
Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Someday I Suppose"
He got $10k in the opening round. IN THE OPENING ROUND! If Jesus came back to Earth and got on Jeopardy He would be lucky if he came out with $7,500. He blew a couple and when a woman closed within 4g he got the last 11 to close out Double Jeopardy. The board, if memory serves me correctly, holds only 30 spaces.
22 DAYS IN A ROW. I want to see some blood come out of him. I think he's a cyborg. Can we just lock him in a room and make him some sort of oracle who solves all our Pressing Issues and whatnot? Can he be our new Jebus? I bet he'd only take 3 days.
Seriously, if it comes on Monday, invest half an hour in Jeopardy and watch him work. It's like some Jordan jumper Biggie rhyming Picasso painting shit when he's on. To quote a wise Sicilian, inconCEIVable!
Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Someday I Suppose"
7/1/04
Starfuckers, Inc: July '04
This Is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You:
Britney Spears (20), Monica Bellucci (22), Rachel Bilson (24), Gabrielle Union (25)
25. Halle Berry (18, p18)
24. Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
23. Victoria (7, p7)
22. Rebecca Romijn (debut)
21. Heidi Klum (17, p10)
20. Kim Smith (re-entry, p20)
19. Alyssa Milano (23, p12)
18. Gail Kim (18, p18)
17. Carmen Electra (19, p5)
16. Josie Maran (14, p13)
15. Kristanna Loken (16, p11)
14. Vida Guerra (re-entry, p6)
13. Christina Aguilera (15, p6)
12. Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
11. Beyonce Knowles (8, p4)
10. Sofia Vergara (10, p8)
09. Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08. Maria Menounos (13, p8)
07. Jamie Pressly (11, p7)
06. Adriana Lima (5, p5)
05. Angelina Jolie (3, p3)
04. Trish Stratus (4, p1)
03. Lindsay Lohan (6, p3)
02. Brooke Burke (1, p1)
01. Jessica Alba (2)
Ambient music: the Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"
Britney Spears (20), Monica Bellucci (22), Rachel Bilson (24), Gabrielle Union (25)
25. Halle Berry (18, p18)
24. Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
23. Victoria (7, p7)
22. Rebecca Romijn (debut)
21. Heidi Klum (17, p10)
20. Kim Smith (re-entry, p20)
19. Alyssa Milano (23, p12)
18. Gail Kim (18, p18)
17. Carmen Electra (19, p5)
16. Josie Maran (14, p13)
15. Kristanna Loken (16, p11)
14. Vida Guerra (re-entry, p6)
13. Christina Aguilera (15, p6)
12. Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
11. Beyonce Knowles (8, p4)
10. Sofia Vergara (10, p8)
09. Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08. Maria Menounos (13, p8)
07. Jamie Pressly (11, p7)
06. Adriana Lima (5, p5)
05. Angelina Jolie (3, p3)
04. Trish Stratus (4, p1)
03. Lindsay Lohan (6, p3)
02. Brooke Burke (1, p1)
01. Jessica Alba (2)
Ambient music: the Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"
6/30/04
State of Disorientation Address
WHOO I GOTS A WEEK OFF! Last year, I was working the 40th anniversary Narcotics Anonymous from 5 pm to 2 am so I'm damn grateful for this. I do believe a partAy or 3 is imminent.
You know what? Something ASCTR just...isn't doing it for me no more. Should I change the name? And to what?
(Already rejected: Rosserheit 2/79)
Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"
You know what? Something ASCTR just...isn't doing it for me no more. Should I change the name? And to what?
(Already rejected: Rosserheit 2/79)
Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"
6/25/04
From the Home Office In Two Months And We're Outta Here
Second verse, same as the first...
[10] D12 => My Band (7)
[09] Kanye West => All Falls Down (5)
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (8)*
[07] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (6)
[06] the Darkness => Growing On Me (10)*
[05] Outkast => Roses (4)
[04] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)
[03] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (9)**
[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (2)*
[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (1) [1m]
Ambient music: the Wallflowers' "Sixth Avenue Heartache"
[10] D12 => My Band (7)
[09] Kanye West => All Falls Down (5)
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (8)*
[07] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (6)
[06] the Darkness => Growing On Me (10)*
[05] Outkast => Roses (4)
[04] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)
[03] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (9)**
[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (2)*
[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (1) [1m]
Ambient music: the Wallflowers' "Sixth Avenue Heartache"
6/21/04
Catch You On The Flip Side, Dudemeisters
They're fumigating the joint, which means I won't be back until Thursday night.
The Palahaniuk book was ****, Bochco was the full monty. It's hard to read something really good while you try to do a novel of your own, but I think you need to get knocked on your ass by the goodness of something in order to fuel your desire to do something whatever percentile as good as that.
Jesus Smirked is back from the 30-day DL and huntpecking along towards the big reveal press conference, at which point I stupidly expect the thing to half-write itself.
Changed the countdown accordingly.
Tip your veal, try your waitress, and when I leave come together like buttcheeks.
Ambient music: Sex Pistols' "God Save The Queen"
The Palahaniuk book was ****, Bochco was the full monty. It's hard to read something really good while you try to do a novel of your own, but I think you need to get knocked on your ass by the goodness of something in order to fuel your desire to do something whatever percentile as good as that.
Jesus Smirked is back from the 30-day DL and huntpecking along towards the big reveal press conference, at which point I stupidly expect the thing to half-write itself.
Changed the countdown accordingly.
Tip your veal, try your waitress, and when I leave come together like buttcheeks.
Ambient music: Sex Pistols' "God Save The Queen"
6/15/04
This Is the Running First Anniversary Noise That Keeps Me Awake
==> Goddamn, I hate me some computer right now. Ever since late last week, every time I've been on this thing has been an experience of building character. That's adult for fucking sucks. Riddled with problems, shit just quitting on me in mid-use. I've ran Spybot but that doesn't seem to be stopping things from sneaking into Program Files and whatnot. All the stuff in the CTL+ALT+DEL menu hasn't responded since 2002 right now. *sigh*
=> Nothing says a year of work like five straight days off.
=> Screw you, Randy Orton! I had that same front on my Keith Scott Zimmerman MARK ADVISORY EXPLICIT WORKRATE shirt last summer! On the other hand, I am all about the newest installment of shirt-wearing Mattitude.
=> Evolution was hilarious last night. Batista giving Eugene the thumbs-up just killed me for some reason. Ric Flair greets new friends the way I greet new friends! The Pedigree tease was perfectly done, too.
=> How come one of the major networks (by which I mean whoever's in 3rd) hasn't adopted the "start part of the new season in the summer" tactic to get new viewers?
=> The passing of Ralph Wiley was highly depressing, as I looked up to him as a unique voice with his own style who was knowledgeable about a subject but in a way you didn't have to be a diehard to follow along. Maybe just because I wanted to do what he did, but still. Condolences to all affected by him and especially his family.
=> This half-segues into my hatred for the healthy lifestyle. He ran a lot, seemed to be in perfect shape, had been on a radio show a day earlier, boom! Heart attack! And he was 53. Look, not to get too exisistential in what has become the playground of my mind, but if you're going to die, you're going to die, and getting bread-less hamburgers and half-assed Ben & Jerry's isn't going to do shit to stop it. Like Emeril says, "Life's too short to drink bad wine."
=> Kate Beckinsale is SO underrated.
---------------------------------------
=> I think we just had an earthquake. Everything was moving around a little for 15 seconds and then just stopped. Weird. First quake I haven't slept through and I've been out here since I was forming coherent thought.
=> The Reno 911 commericals own you, and you motherbitches know the ones I'm talking about.
=> Nobody else'll say it? I will: "I'm Rick James, bitch.": The Movie has the potential to be this generation's This Is Spinal Tap.
=> If you don't like the big-ass peanut butter cups, I don't know ya.
---------------------------------------
=> Watching Season 7 Buffy, I can only think one thing: heh, Kennedy smells like tangerines.
=> And I'm off to Tijuana! If the Lakers win, a fesitve sombrero. Should they lose, my body weight in Corona. Back later, vatos...
----------------------------------------
=> Damn, Mexico rules.
=> I took a few pictures and now hopefully I can upload the digicam software properly. Just a few boring shots of Yes The Border Is 10 Minutes From Home. But still!
=> Let me tell you what rules about Mexico: the conversion rate. 11 pesos to the buck. So I got to see Harry Potter for $5 at 7:30 at night. It ruled. (Innovative deux ex machina that actually made sense. Plus, Hermoine is going to be the New Hotness in '08. Ya heard.) I got popcorn for $2.50--a big ass thing I couldn't even finish--and the guy working the counter wanted to know where I got my bomb-ass Stewie Griffin VICTORY IS MINE jacket. Then, I got 12 bottles of the sweet nectar known as a bottled Mexican Coca-Cola...
...for $4.32. THIRTY FIVE DAMN CENTS A BOTTLE! I can't even buy a freaking newspaper anymore for 35 but I got sweet, sweet sodas! And they were selling rifles in the damn aisle! RIFLES! Unbelievable. Oh, and I got hassled coming back from the border, due to my notorious coyote days. But THIRTY FIVE CENTS! DAMN!
=> In regards to Game 5, :(
So, there it was, the anniversary. Later days.
Ambient music: Domino's "Sweet Potato Pie"
=> Nothing says a year of work like five straight days off.
=> Screw you, Randy Orton! I had that same front on my Keith Scott Zimmerman MARK ADVISORY EXPLICIT WORKRATE shirt last summer! On the other hand, I am all about the newest installment of shirt-wearing Mattitude.
=> Evolution was hilarious last night. Batista giving Eugene the thumbs-up just killed me for some reason. Ric Flair greets new friends the way I greet new friends! The Pedigree tease was perfectly done, too.
=> How come one of the major networks (by which I mean whoever's in 3rd) hasn't adopted the "start part of the new season in the summer" tactic to get new viewers?
=> The passing of Ralph Wiley was highly depressing, as I looked up to him as a unique voice with his own style who was knowledgeable about a subject but in a way you didn't have to be a diehard to follow along. Maybe just because I wanted to do what he did, but still. Condolences to all affected by him and especially his family.
=> This half-segues into my hatred for the healthy lifestyle. He ran a lot, seemed to be in perfect shape, had been on a radio show a day earlier, boom! Heart attack! And he was 53. Look, not to get too exisistential in what has become the playground of my mind, but if you're going to die, you're going to die, and getting bread-less hamburgers and half-assed Ben & Jerry's isn't going to do shit to stop it. Like Emeril says, "Life's too short to drink bad wine."
=> Kate Beckinsale is SO underrated.
---------------------------------------
=> I think we just had an earthquake. Everything was moving around a little for 15 seconds and then just stopped. Weird. First quake I haven't slept through and I've been out here since I was forming coherent thought.
=> The Reno 911 commericals own you, and you motherbitches know the ones I'm talking about.
=> Nobody else'll say it? I will: "I'm Rick James, bitch.": The Movie has the potential to be this generation's This Is Spinal Tap.
=> If you don't like the big-ass peanut butter cups, I don't know ya.
---------------------------------------
=> Watching Season 7 Buffy, I can only think one thing: heh, Kennedy smells like tangerines.
=> And I'm off to Tijuana! If the Lakers win, a fesitve sombrero. Should they lose, my body weight in Corona. Back later, vatos...
----------------------------------------
=> Damn, Mexico rules.
=> I took a few pictures and now hopefully I can upload the digicam software properly. Just a few boring shots of Yes The Border Is 10 Minutes From Home. But still!
=> Let me tell you what rules about Mexico: the conversion rate. 11 pesos to the buck. So I got to see Harry Potter for $5 at 7:30 at night. It ruled. (Innovative deux ex machina that actually made sense. Plus, Hermoine is going to be the New Hotness in '08. Ya heard.) I got popcorn for $2.50--a big ass thing I couldn't even finish--and the guy working the counter wanted to know where I got my bomb-ass Stewie Griffin VICTORY IS MINE jacket. Then, I got 12 bottles of the sweet nectar known as a bottled Mexican Coca-Cola...
...for $4.32. THIRTY FIVE DAMN CENTS A BOTTLE! I can't even buy a freaking newspaper anymore for 35 but I got sweet, sweet sodas! And they were selling rifles in the damn aisle! RIFLES! Unbelievable. Oh, and I got hassled coming back from the border, due to my notorious coyote days. But THIRTY FIVE CENTS! DAMN!
=> In regards to Game 5, :(
So, there it was, the anniversary. Later days.
Ambient music: Domino's "Sweet Potato Pie"
6/13/04
Bill Murray would be proud. Kingpin Bill, not Garfield Bill.
That's right, motherbitches, another bowling update du jour:
106, 138, 107, 101.
The roll is still on, but let me delve into that opening 106 a little more.
I went with a couple friends from work, and it's the tenth frame and I'm down almost 20. I've had a bad game by the new standards and my friend Aaron's up. So, I go through my routine (which will stay TOP SECRET without payment), and fire.
Strike.
I feel good.
I lock the gun up again, aim, fire.
And suddenly I feel a wave of something that's not nausea, right as the pins at the end of the lane go down in a heap as if struck by a sky blue wrecking ball. And the girls are hooting, and he's looking nervous, and Oliver Sudden I know I have his lunch money. "Are you ready?" I ask him. "Are you ready to call me Vin Diesel?" He's shaking his head.
Back at it.
Release.
Rotation.
Splash.
X.
X.
X.
That's right, your friendly local neighborhood Negro came from behind to win a game with three strikes in the 10th. Bow. HARD.
Ambient music: Green Day's cover of "Tired Of Waiting For You"
106, 138, 107, 101.
The roll is still on, but let me delve into that opening 106 a little more.
I went with a couple friends from work, and it's the tenth frame and I'm down almost 20. I've had a bad game by the new standards and my friend Aaron's up. So, I go through my routine (which will stay TOP SECRET without payment), and fire.
Strike.
I feel good.
I lock the gun up again, aim, fire.
And suddenly I feel a wave of something that's not nausea, right as the pins at the end of the lane go down in a heap as if struck by a sky blue wrecking ball. And the girls are hooting, and he's looking nervous, and Oliver Sudden I know I have his lunch money. "Are you ready?" I ask him. "Are you ready to call me Vin Diesel?" He's shaking his head.
Back at it.
Release.
Rotation.
Splash.
X.
X.
X.
That's right, your friendly local neighborhood Negro came from behind to win a game with three strikes in the 10th. Bow. HARD.
Ambient music: Green Day's cover of "Tired Of Waiting For You"
6/11/04
From the Secret Office A Court-Ordered 51 Feet Away At All Times (bastards)
Past tense: "Naughty Girl", 8; "Leave (Get Out)", 10
[10] the Darkness => Growing On Me (debut)*
[09] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (debut)*
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (9)*
[07] D12 => My Band (5)
[06] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (7)*
[05] Kanye West => All Falls Down (4)
[04] Outkast => Roses (1)
[03] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)
[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (6)*
[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Forest for the Trees' "Dream"
[10] the Darkness => Growing On Me (debut)*
[09] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (debut)*
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (9)*
[07] D12 => My Band (5)
[06] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (7)*
[05] Kanye West => All Falls Down (4)
[04] Outkast => Roses (1)
[03] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)
[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (6)*
[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Forest for the Trees' "Dream"
6/6/04
Best. MTV. Movie Awards. Ever.
I'm assuming, from a few pictures that've leaked. 'Cause great googily MOOGILY. Sneakers, athletic socks, the shorty short shorts...no wonder I love watching that number up there drop.
Nice to have SOMETHING I liked about today.
Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"
Nice to have SOMETHING I liked about today.
Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"
6/5/04
"I'm not crying! It's dusty in here! Damn...locksmith!"
Jon Stewart's William & Mary commencement address speech:
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work, thank you for the reference.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night."
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work, thank you for the reference.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night."
6/2/04
Gimme the Countdown
10 bands you've been listening to a lot lately:
Massive Attack
N.E.R.D.
Elvis Costello & the Attractions
Led Zeppelin
R.E.M.
Linkin Park
Notorious B.I.G.
the Clash
AC/DC
Nirvana
9 things you look forward to:
tomorrow, when I'm off
the NBA Finals
going to Vegas in August
the annual summer bonfire
seeing the new Harry Potter
the throwback Erving jersey in the mail
the Fourth of July, assuming I'm not working again
finishing the novel
moving out
8 things you like to wear:
black Stewie Griffin "VICTORY IS MINE" jacket
this bucket Lakers cap I got on sale for $6
jeans
Office Space shirt--"excuse me...I believe you have my stapler..."
throwback Jordan Bullets/Wizards jersey
throwback Braves cap
Guess watch
los lentes de sol
7 things that annoy you:
shifts where I get the same question or two over and over
getting interrupted by my mom when I'm talking to a friend or doing something fun and never when I'm like listening to the radio or reading
working on a nice day
Bush
my annual week-after-school's-over cold
people all happy and dating and crap
6 things you say most days:
"Aren't I just the luckiest Who in Whoville?"
"Six of one, a dozen of the other."
"Nuttin. Just chillin'."
"Black delegation requests Eminem."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute."
"The word of the day is...(sequoia or bookkeeper, followed with why)"
5 things you do every day:
read something
write something
leave the house, even if it's just to the store up the block
text message friends
shower
4 people you want to spend more time with:
Cristal, even though we broke up, I know the end of the school year's driving her nuts
Nate Dogg, who in a perfect world would be the wingman in the Summer of Butch
Dustin, who's whole married with children thing has ruined his life (heh heh heh)
Jessica Alba, for obvious reasons
3 movies you could watch over and over again:
Shawshank Redemption
Office Space
Scrooged
2 of your favorite songs at the moment:
Jay-Z's "99 Problems"
Led Zeppelin's "Travelling Riverside Blues"
1 person you could spend the rest of your life:
If I knew that, I'd be a lot happier...
Ambient music: 2Pac's "All About U"
Massive Attack
N.E.R.D.
Elvis Costello & the Attractions
Led Zeppelin
R.E.M.
Linkin Park
Notorious B.I.G.
the Clash
AC/DC
Nirvana
9 things you look forward to:
tomorrow, when I'm off
the NBA Finals
going to Vegas in August
the annual summer bonfire
seeing the new Harry Potter
the throwback Erving jersey in the mail
the Fourth of July, assuming I'm not working again
finishing the novel
moving out
8 things you like to wear:
black Stewie Griffin "VICTORY IS MINE" jacket
this bucket Lakers cap I got on sale for $6
jeans
Office Space shirt--"excuse me...I believe you have my stapler..."
throwback Jordan Bullets/Wizards jersey
throwback Braves cap
Guess watch
los lentes de sol
7 things that annoy you:
shifts where I get the same question or two over and over
getting interrupted by my mom when I'm talking to a friend or doing something fun and never when I'm like listening to the radio or reading
working on a nice day
Bush
my annual week-after-school's-over cold
people all happy and dating and crap
6 things you say most days:
"Aren't I just the luckiest Who in Whoville?"
"Six of one, a dozen of the other."
"Nuttin. Just chillin'."
"Black delegation requests Eminem."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute."
"The word of the day is...(sequoia or bookkeeper, followed with why)"
5 things you do every day:
read something
write something
leave the house, even if it's just to the store up the block
text message friends
shower
4 people you want to spend more time with:
Cristal, even though we broke up, I know the end of the school year's driving her nuts
Nate Dogg, who in a perfect world would be the wingman in the Summer of Butch
Dustin, who's whole married with children thing has ruined his life (heh heh heh)
Jessica Alba, for obvious reasons
3 movies you could watch over and over again:
Shawshank Redemption
Office Space
Scrooged
2 of your favorite songs at the moment:
Jay-Z's "99 Problems"
Led Zeppelin's "Travelling Riverside Blues"
1 person you could spend the rest of your life:
If I knew that, I'd be a lot happier...
Ambient music: 2Pac's "All About U"
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