This Year's Con: Big Five

5) Kane is frightening in person.
I don't mean to say it as he's a bad guy, or terrorizing small children and whatnot. It's just he pops up out of nowhere wearing a WrestleMania 21 shirt and his ring gear from the waist down and I say "Kane! Hey!" and he says "Hi." But then he smiles at me and all I'm thinking about is how many times I've seen this look shortly followed by (fill in your favorite: attempted vasectomy through car battery, chokeslam, Tombstone). I literally almost crap myself because I'm thinking he's going to pivot and chokeslam me down to the parking garage with everybody looking down chanting "HOLY SHIT!" too busy to notice my spleem has escaped my body and I'm fucking dying.

I'm pleased to report Kane just went up the escalator. I was shook for a good 5 minutes after, though.

4) I now know what it feels like when doves cry.
So for the first time since last decade, I see my old friend Ray. We catch up as much as possible, and he mentions Queen Jessica showing up last year and how he missed it. I am also bummed with authority--

--later on, a conversation about 20 feet away from me and what I heard--
Boy: blah blah blah blah blah Four blah blash Jessica Alba
Me: [ears perk up]
Boy: blah blah blabbity blah blah blah
Me: [eyes narrow, turns away]

--and he then asks me if I like Jessica.

My hand shoots to my waist and I pull out Natalie and flip her open, where the cover shot of her GQ issue is the wallpaper. Ray whips off his phone, and the second picture inside the GQ...

...anyway, to quote Dave Attell, we catch each other's eyes, we both start laughing.

3) Lenient bosses rule...
Because I came in an hour late and was able to talk my way out of persecution because...

2) The starlets I want are never on time.
...I didn't meet Natalie Portman. A damn dirty shame, I was staking out the secret entrance, friends with security, Aaron was on the inside doing recon, I literally had them all set up like dominoes in a row. And she was late coming out, so three plus hours down the shitter (including one I was supposed to get paid for). It totally would've been worth it, of course. After making myself late, I had to see how far I could go and not get fired. I should've hung in another half-hour; she probably would've come out and I could've worked the maximum amount for 3 breaks.

But I'm still upbeat overall about the day...

1) To: Michael Dupin From: God RE: My opinion of you Text: You SUCK.
So as I'm fashionably late on my post, I'm just looking around. It's a big part of the job, what Vegas calls their jammers: any problems, you solve 'em. So as I'm scanning the lobby, I see a blonde.

And I'm like 85% sure.

So I call out, "Amber! Hey, Amber!"

And she turns and heads over to me and I do a double take and say "I didn't really think it was you!" But it is. She autographs my program--and Michael, poor Michael, this is the kicker:

The guy who takes the picture of me with Tara is WARREN.

To Butch:
[heart] Amber Benson
"Tara"

Awwww. You're looking at the bridge between Willow's girlfriends, in consecutive years no less. I'm dorking out quite hard right now.

Good luck getting to sleep, Michael. Hands that touched Alyson Hannigan touched mine, and the proof goes up next week.

I smell an ulcer coming...

This post brought to you BAH: "Never Been In Love" by Talib Kweli