...the longer people preach about the need for the Lord Jesus Christ to save somebody who obviously isn't interested, the closer they come to spontaneously combusting.
...robots do all the work on major holidays.
...the national anthem is "Flashlight" by Parliament.
...the guillotine is back, and we are richer for having tested it out on Julia Roberts, Ryan Seacrest, and the Runaway Bride before using it on the murderers and rapists.
...girls under 18 who look older have a red barcode on the back of their hands. Between 18 and 21, yellow barcode.
...dress size is in direct inverted proportion to hotness.
...the hottest selling celebrity porno tape is Angelina Jolie/Jessica Alba.
...my birthday's a national holiday.
...Valentine's Day is so completely optional.
...we've annexed Canada, renamed that North America, and renamed North America Butchland.
...Vicente Fox lives in Compton. Or, he did for a couple hours...
..."Hail To The Chief" has been replaced by "Back In Black".
...sarcasm meters made by fine upstanding Japanese workers are readily available to the populace, just 'cause.
...there's a PSP in every hand and a plasma in every room.
...Brazil is the 51st state.
...not only have I legalized it, but the chip and salsa industry has hit 10 figures.
...not everybody's opinion counts the same, because some people clearly have no idea what the fuck they're talking about.
...in the event something horrible happens to me, David Stern will act as defacto President.
...I've bombed the Fox News building back to the Stone Age.
...Catholic school comes with 4 grand worth of psychiatry appointments.
...fewer Starbucks. More strip clubs.
...I've taught the world to sing, but it's not in perfect harmony because a lot of us are drunk. Coke. Pfft.
...everybody within 30 minutes of their job goes home for lunch, you get off at 7, dinner's at 9, the clubs close at 4, and work starts promptly at 10.
...Tom Cruise has his own reality show, and the ratings are spectacular.
...people who can't control their kids get them controlled for them. Any irritated strangers get 1 (one) free swing at the little fucker.
...I'm the gardener on Wisteria Lane. Screw you, this is MY America.
Current music: "Pass The Mic" by the Beastie Boys
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