Rosser Genuine Draft

Yeah, props to Matt & Rob--WHO I WILL DESTROY! MUAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!

Ladies and gentlemen, the roster for YOUR North Tijuana 619ers!

[1st] (3) RB Clinton Portis, WAS: Averaging five and a half yards a carry, 1,550 yards, and only two fumbles a year. Did I mention he's the #1 running back in a Joe Gibbs offense? 10.

[2nd] (18) RB Domanick Davis, HOU: has since been traded for RB Marshall Faulk, ST.L: not to say Mike Martz is the dumbest coach alive but playing as the Rams on Madden '05 I blew up about 8 ways from Sunday. How'd I do it? Two ways: a) Faulk ran the ball at least 3 times on the sustained drives and 2) I sent him out on the line all the time or threw a short pass and let him work the hoodoo. Davis did similar numbers but the Texans have way fewer options and he catches less. It's possible Marshall'll get hurt again, but as a #2? I've had harder times choosing cereal. 9.

[3rd] (23) RB Corey Dillion, NE: Lessee--1,300 yard running back + psychotically loaded Super Bowl Champions...Mr. James Todd Smith, your comments on this perennial Pro Bowler? Don't call it a comeback! 9.

[4th] (38) WR Derrick Mason, TEN: Improving every year, last year getting 1,300 yards plus, nine games with 90 yards+, didn't miss a game, and is poised to be McNair's boy with the abscence of Eddie George off the Titans. Probably the most underrated of the top 10 WRs. Church. 9.

[5th] (43) WR Santana Moss, J E T S: Faster than a paycheck, four 110+ games, 1,100 yards last year. As long as Pennington holds up and he keeps getting big YAC, opponents will be begging me to change my "Evil Ways", heh heh heh. Sorry. 10.

[6th] (58) QB Aaron Brooks, NO: Good news! Mid 20s in TDs year after year! Bad news! The Saints (and as a result, Brooks) are f'n schitzo! ELEVEN fumbles last year! Ohh...that orange chicken isn't sitting so good... 7.

[7th] (63) WR Charles Rogers, DET: OK, the Lions suck and they drafted Roy Williams. But Rogers is a big dude and was averaging a first down's worth a catch before he bit it. As a #3 this is fine, especially if he lasts year to year on a bad team--falling behind frequently they would tend to throw more. 7.

[8th] (78) TAMPA defense: No Sapp or Lynch. *stifles sob* Still got Brooks, and the opportunistic backfield. When the Bucs had it together, they scored a lot of defensive TDs. Still solid--just not the blowaway they once were. 8.

[9th] (83) TE Randy McMichael, MIA: eeep. This WOULD'VE been a good pick, but then Ricky Williams went to make Half-Baked 2, and David Boston pulled a Paris Hilton, and who's the QB and *sigh* 5.

[10th] (98) K Josh Brown, SEA: 2nd year, big money offense, made all 48 extra points? All righty. No Vanderjagt but he'll suffice. 8.

[11th] (103) RB Charlie Garner, TB: That sound you hear is Rob gnashing his teeth. Purely bye-week filler with Portis-Faulk-Dillon being the top backs, so I'm fine with this. 7.

[12th] (118) RB William Green, CLE: See above. Except he might not start. And has the stench of Jimmy Smith on him. Why am I not mad? Portis-Faulk-Dillon, that's why. 5.

[13th] (123) QB Jeff Garcia, CLE: PFFFFFFFFFFT. Maybe if he got me Carmella's cell number or a Mansion invite I'd be a little more up. But the Browns ain't gonna do much of anything. This might be the Charles Rogers theory for a different position--he may also recreate the Snickers "But you don't understand, I'm Batman!" commerical by Week 6. Que sera sera...5.

[14th] (138) WR Deion Branch, NE: The man who caught the first TD of the Super Bowl almost doubled his yards from '02 to '03 and averaged a first down a catch; the problem is the Patriots, esp. with my boy Dillon have got one of the more libertarian offenses in the League so it doesn't always translate into TDs. With the Band of Renown on the verge of pursuing solo careers he could easily step up to be their #1 receiving threat, or at least do well at #2. Between he, Mason, Moss & Rogers...huzzah! 8.

[15th] (143) TE Bubba Franks, GB: Let me get this straight: Brett Favre is your QB and you can't even get 3g in a season? Bubba, you're not a fucking legend, and that is getting ugly. 0.

[16th] (158) CHICAGO defense: Brian Urlacher and the 10 Dwarves? To quote a wise philosopher from a suburb of Los Angeles, nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga please waived, replaced by GREEN BAY defense: did similar numbers to Tampa--last year Tampa and gave up 55 more points. Perfectly Acceptable Bye Week filler. 6.

Last year my picks gave me nervous apprehension and a fucking drug charge before the draft EVEN ENDED FUCK YOU JIMMY SMITH! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIIIIIIIE! and as an end result I lost the first 10 games, gutted the team like an underperforming business, and quit. This year, I feel good. As long as my three-headed running back monster performs at their levels, the season should go decently.

Barring plane crash it can't go worse than last year--and THAT draft you'll find out about next weekend. Be (t)here. Aloha.

Ambient music: Liz Phair - Supernova