the running Summerslam diary
I expected everything should be solid, except for Eddie/Kurt, which will give me a low-level workrategasm.
Pre-game fortune cookie: YOU HAVE A KIND AND GENEROUS HEART.
Me: I think it's time for you to maybe start doing your damn job. I think it's time for you to end this facade of journalistic integrity. You know what you tell me? "You have a kind and generous heart!" You see, you're a powerful psychic, fortune cookie, you have got the ability to reach a lot of people, to spread the truth, and you neglect to do it. Let me ask you a couple of questions. What is it about my kind and generous heart that makes me any money? What is it about this gift from the heavens that always ends with me alone? Is that where the fun starts? Whoopee! Let the party begin! I can't believe you sit here and tell me that. Do I bring it on to myself? I haven't done a damn thing to YOU. All you've done to people is mislead them and let them think I'm having the time of my goddamn life when I'm in pain! Don't you look at me with that smug look. You make me sick. I ought to smack you...
[attacks with the mandible claw; screaming incoherently]
Can we get some help...? He's gonna need some help...
SHOUT OUT TO SAMMY C.!
4:40: I meet Jerel, a cohort in crime from my work in the Squared Circle and my wingman's wingman is Ernesto. Ernesto's a mark. This'll be fun. And sadly, I didn't notice the Crash-Shannon-v1 similarity until I just typed this.
5: 'Cause there ain't no cure for how much Rush sucks you are looking LIIIIIIIIIVE at the Mission Valley Hooters, with the Slam being brought to you bah Heineken as far as I'm concerned. Jerel would address you but he's busy macking the waitress. Keep in mind I am not getting any crowd reax (more on this later). In the Spanish announce table pool, Jerel has 6, Ernesto 6:05, and me 6:45.
5:08: I am such a mark for evil double-teaming it's not even funny.
5:14: Poetry in Tope Con Hilo! The muhfuggin HART ATTACK~! SSP! Man, that was as fun as I thought it'd be. Evil Spike may be my gimmick of the year after three shows.
5:18: Kane reminds me of the drunken uncle at every Southern family reunion. EVER.
5:24: Matt Hardy busts out a plancha for the first time in the new millennium, thus astounding us who are not manly and with an ACL injury would look for the nearest big-tittayed Swedish female massuse.
5:26: *watches the super chokeslam*
5:26:10: Matt Hardy was 28 years old.
5:29: Cena/Orton to main event 21 preview? Hmm...the set's nice but the half circle's throwing me for some reason.
5:31: We were just talked to by Keith Scott Zimmerman in 2024. ZOINKS. Ernesto: Booker T looks like the Predator, man. I have no idea how he delivered that bon mot and actually seemed concerned about what happened to Lex Luger, and frankly I'm not sure I want to.
5:37: There are MULTIPLE small children. In Hooters. Watching WWE. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating.--Lewis Black There are multiple small children in Hooters watching professional wrestling. Jessica Marie Alba, no wonder everyone outside of this state thinks we're fucking nuts.
5:45: We are all suitably in awe of Batista, who looks like he's flexing while standing still. Ernesto says "Damn Canadians" at some point--without the crowd reaction--and I just don't have the heart to break it to him the two-decade strangehold Canadian stars have had on our shores.
5:56: No Christian?! BOOOO!
6: There's no sound. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. All of a sudden I see Kurt Angle's Titantron. I can't yell YOU SUCK! The terrorists have won.
6:14: First ref bump, which I completely forgot to make a subpool for.
6:20: Guess who's favorite Olympian is all the way back up in this muthafucka?!
6:28: This has been some textbook old-school goodness to start: Eugene's reaction to the set and then Triple H, the have-I-reached-10? punch countalong, Triple H using Lillian as a shield and then kicking him in the head, the fake leg injury followed by a laugh and "What?" to the referee. By the way, people looked at me when I laughed hard at the heel stuff. Fuck 'em.
6:31: "YMCA" breaks out. No, really. If I had more than three beers I'd swear I was drunk.
6:37: Someone hit the Pedigree on Triple H. If I had more than three beers...
6:40: Diva Dodgeball starts. Next table over: "Who's that?" "Don't care." At HOOTERS? I Am In Shock.
6:43: "Don't hurt Gail!" Yes, that was me, why do you ask?
6:45: Clay over Liston. Jets over Colts. NC State over Phi Slamma Jamma. Buster Douglas KOing Mike Tyson. Ron Seigel sweeping Sakai. And the Searchers annihilating the Divas. Where was the Joy/Amy victory spanking, I ask you?
6:50: "All watching JBL does is remind me how much Ted DiBiase DIDN'T get to be champion." It was decided for Jim Ross' safety that he should not call this match.
7: A waitress is intrigued slash horrified by the first two hours of notes and tries to make sense of them all. Me to her: part of that's in Sanskrit, by the way.
7:05: The table comes to the consensus that we'd take a piss break but we'd definitely miss whatever the big thing is.
7:13: Dear WWE,
FUCK you. 20 minutes of my life gone, and I want them back PDf'nQ.
Signed,
All Fans Who Just Watched That Crime Against Everything Good In This World
7:17: Benoit doesn't show off the belt to both sides of the crowd, thus ensuring a loss. It's nice to be a smark with someone else around.
7:24: The tope to nowhere gets everybody's attention. Broken neck? I scoff at your broken neck!
7:40: Jerel: "Did he win? CLEANLY?!"
About Orton: it is Way Too Goddamn Soon for the face turn, which shouldn't happen before '06. And they rushed him to the title to spite Brock, but I'd rather him be heel champ at this stage than face. What the fuck did Benoit NOT killify his ass, it wasn't like Toronto was going to turn him heel. Back in my day a handshake was Step 1 on the way to a beatdown.
JBL is becoming to title reigns what Christina Aguilera is to restraint. This is why we need a healthy Kurt Angle, so someone GOOD can hold the belt again. I heard Toronto took a Cleveland Steamer on UT. Good for them.
Well, RAW tomorrow ought be interesting as we deal with the repercussions of the Dodgeball squash. And the new champ and blah blah blah.
Ambient music: the Jam - A Town Called Malice
8/15/04
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1 comment:
I agree with you on the Orton win. If they're doing this in spite, it's fuckin' dumb. If they think he's their next Rock (or Austin or HHH) good thinking, but he's still a couple years away from being a solid performer in the ring and on the mic.
God help me, I'm starting to like JBL. He sucks in the ring, but the man is getting into his gimmick and working it.
You may strike me down at any time.
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