Dick Clark Ain't Got Shit On Me

Excuse me while I have a Barry Horowitz moment.

*pat myself on the back*

You know, a few days ago, I had my semi-monthly "What do you mean this much of the year's over already?!" monologue with myself. What was really left of the year? Halloween. Psyched for that. Going to hit the clubs as Lil' Jon.

WHAT?

OK, I'll stop that. What's after that, Thanksgiving. Then it's Christmas, and then it's New Year's Eve and the next thing you know it's 200fucking5 and the 10-year-reunion is on your ass like Pepe Le Pew. Like it's not already, but anyway...

So I was getting frustrated with the end of the year and the big blowout celebrations and whatnot. Whoo, Thanksgiving, pass the E & the Basement Jaxx. Whoo, the LAAAAAAAAAWD(™ Some Guy)'s birthday! Praise the Lord & pass the pimp juice! So that leaves New Year's Eve. And nothing against my friends, but we have the New Year's Eve parties of 50-year-olds. That sucks, I thought to myself. We need to have a goddamn PARTY. Marriage, work, pussy, we're growing farther and farther apart by the day and this is one of the few chances to get us back to the old school we-are-fam-uh-lee nucleus. What OUGHT to happen, I thought to myself, is someone needs to get a fucking room in a swanky place and turn a mother out.

That'd be cool.

And then suddenly, I remembered money can be exchanged for goods, services, and temporary housing in a room. Waaaaaaaaait a second, Cha-Cha, I says to myself, me throw this thing? And then, OF COURSE me throw this thing! Who gets the party started like me! Who just spent last night breakdancing to "It's Like That"? Who got a bachlorette party to get him fucked up? Who can dance all night? Who dat dipping in the Cadillac?! Well, that last one was Snoop, but point remained: you want something done right...

But FUCK! The goddamn year-bridging end of Auto Show! Now I can't do it, stupid job and the stupid work and the so rent a room downtown, genius.

It's perfectly all right to talk to yourself so long as somebody's listening.

So I now am going to be the host of a New Year's party in a swanky room a five-minute walk away that was only a couple of G's, I'm looking into getting a DJ, and have a 1-3-5 cost scale to try and make some money on the side from all this.

As a man wiser than I would say--hell, as I'm calling it--it's a New Year's Eve celebration, bitches. Enjoy yourselves.

Ambient music: Foo Fighters - My Hero