Is this happening to me because I use High Fidelity as a personal Bible, or since I use High Fidelity as a personal Bible this happens to me?
[inner reflection]
I'm very much confused and lost. Maybe it's because the march to the 10th reunion has been pushed in my e-mails the past couple of days, probably because I spent the last month getting haunted by the ghosts of Almost Pussy Past, but I feel like that Seinfeld season opener where George & Jerry own up to the fact they're not men.
I've been looking out the same window a better part of a decade. I've filled in the room with more clutter, and when I got bored with that I relocated the clutter to make the room look a bit different, but in all honesty, it's the same room and the only thing that's gotten bigger is me and the stack of Maxims.
As much as I hate it, I'm still here with the fam. Sure, it's financially the only option I have at this time, but it's still answering to their whims after more than a quarter-century occupying molecules. Maybe I'd feel different if the comp was in another room. Who can say?
Once upon a time my brother used to drive me nuts under this window playing with the neighbor girl downstairs right under my window. They were little. It was innocent and cute back then. Now my brother's knocking on the door of 11th grade and the neighbor girl is getting disturbingly more attractive.
I've been here, practically unmoved. Friends of mine, they've done things. They fly to the other side of the world and see things I don't even have the capacity to dream. They do the right thing and take on a child's welfare and sacrifice themselves for a Greater Good. They get married and start their own family. They get their long-term girlfriend, they get their job in la-la...
...Still here.
There are so many regrets, and living a trifling life drives them all to the surface. I wish I'd said something to Jenny in the w a y back when, wish I'd gotten a spine sooner, wish I'd get a better one now, wish I'd tried to ride out the Natalie thing instead of hopping to Annie, actually learned something in college besides the power of box wine.
I really wish I could make the first move and call Cristal back, not to get back together (not that that holds a massive unattraction for me), but to hope everything's all right with her and the problems she had are past tense. She was great to talk to.
I also wish I could make the first move with Liz, and bypass the entirety of 2001 with it. I keep thinking I should just pop up and say hi, but what's next? Can people go through what happened in that madness and still expect to resuscitate a friendship--a PLATONIC friendship, at that?
I'm entirely too far along the ride in the Mobius strip of my head right now.
What I know is either I need to shit or get off the metaphorical pot. And I also know the things we wish for don't always turn out to be the things we need.
But the novel beckons.
And the chaos in my mind is going to have to delegate itself to a low hum for the time being.
Disturbingly appropriate ambient music (it just happened this way, hand to Jebus): Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake
10/18/04
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I hear ya, homie.
Trust me, it doesn't get any easier as you get older. Matt & I can attest to that, since we thought we would "get the world by the tail, and wrap it up, put it in our pocket!"
What advice I can give to you is this: you've got a good start. Instead of looking back at the past and thinking what you should have done, think on how you've taken a small step towards doing something with your life instead of sitting back and waiting for something to happen, or just waiting to die.
The only way we get better is by failing. By failing, I mean total crash and burn, Hindenberg sized distaster, one step over the line, sweet Jesus. I did that when I moved back to Washington in 2002. I was very close to declaring bankruptcy and defauting on my student loans. Bad times.
Now, it's a little better. Sure, I'm broke for the most part, but I'm glad I went to college. Most people don't want to take that risk and maybe, just maybe, get ahead in their lives.
So keep the faith. You may feel like life isn't going anywhere now, but it will down the line.
You can do eet! Do you really want to be writing the same thing again in 5 or ten years from now? I found that the only way to grow a spine was to get off my big white ass and do something about it. And all of a sudden, it was a night and day switch. So call Cristal just to talk to her, call up Liz and apologize and maybe she will be ok with it after all this time. And finish the novel already, ya goob.
With a pat on the ass that should only be seen on the football field of life,
-Dustin
You need to skip down to Leaving Los Vegas.
I believe you've given yourself a good start. I could advise on getting your mind off booze and pussy and focus instead on getting that one woman who can truly be your companion and best friend. Whether that's Jenny, Natalie, Annie or someone new.
Focus on living life in a healthy and happy manner. Keep a positive attitude.
Walk don't run and take in all the beauty in life that's around you.
Leave your heart open to things that could make your life more meaningful and happy than you would previously ever dream.
You have those college credits and you have that novel to finish. Finish the novel. Get your career started. Set a goal for each day with a long-term goal in mind and just live day to day working towards those good goals and you'll get there. As one already stated, you've got a great start. Work from that and grow.
I'm always here to lend an ear, counsel, or whatever a true guy friend can offer.
Of course you know I've got my own theologies and philosophies on life that have helped me get more joy and meaning out of this confusing world than I could ever dream. You have other friends that have found similar things through other theologies or philosophies. Counsel with them all. Take it all in and search inside yourself for the truth in it and make it work for you in your life.
There are a lot of things one needs to learn on their own but there are also times we do need to lean on the help and guidance of others to help us find solutions and answers that we can't find ourselves. Take care and as always...keep us posted.
Remember the little motto I coined? Head up, check in hand. That would apply here.
Getting an apartment is no different than things you didn't think you'd ever do before last year like getting a job, a girlfriend, and even owning a cell phone. *smirk*
What'd I'd do if I was you, would be that I'd set my mind to making that party you're planning ungodly awesome. Then, after it's all over and it was (I have faith in you! You're my Van Wilder, motherfucker!), you wake up in 2005 and dedicate yourself to getting the hell out of Parental Dodge.
You will pull it off. It may not happen tomorrow, but you're gonna pull it off eventually. I'm batting a 1.000 so far, ain't I?
Now make me a number five, bitch, cause I GOT A JOB! :-D
Great. Now you've got ME doing it.
Seriously, though. *nods knowingly* That's kind of where I was about five, six years ago. I'd just gotten promoted, and I was living at home and chafing. Not because of my parents; we get along fine. I just wanted out. (And that's only the surface of our parallels. It's like I'm time-slipping, I swear to God.)
I'll try to say my piece half as well as the other guys have.
Try not to compare your life to anyone else's. The fact is, life happens differently for everyone. What I'm doing now was never on my radar of things I wanted to do, and I'm still not sure it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. But it's something. It gets me through the day and gives me something I'm reasonably good at.
You've got several ways you can go from here right now. If it's advice you want, I'll say this: The big picture is made up of millions of little details. Find one and focus on it, whether it's the novel, or you go back to school, or even if it's just the job. Get a base - something you can always go back to, something that'll sustain you, somewhere you can stand and look at all of the possibilities from.
Finally, you've made more progress this year than you have since I've known you. You've done things too, y'know. Oh, sure, you didn't leave on a jet plane and don't know if you'll be back again, but you took (for you) some major steps. It may not seem like it at the moment, but come New Year's I predict you'll be writing about 04 as The Year Butch Moved Forward.
Post a Comment