A Double-Double Animal Style

FOR: Matt Spaulding (at least until the time comes in the fall when I'll have to bitchslap him in fantasy football. Riverside Motherfuckers!)

FOR: Vegging out on Veronica Mars for a few hours on a lazy Saturday until you get ready to do the damn thing.

FOR: Kristen Bell, always. "Shut up! If I wanted to hear you speak I'd wave a Snausage over your nose!" I mean, my GOD! Somebody check that putz's dental records, it'll be the only way we can I.D. him...

AGAINST: Amanda topping me. She always tops me. There was some Berkeley alumni mixer deal and she met Susanna Hoffs. And I'd still hit that. (Susanna, I mean.)

FOR: MySpace's IM working again.

AGAINST: My friend Dan not being able to come.

FOR: My friend Dan not being able to come.

AGAINST: My parents turning an excursion into a three-hour trip and thus making me wash up as opposed to the full-fledged shower.

FOR: Having friends at the pizza place.

FOR: The random-ass trio of hot chicks sitting at the counter in said dingy little pizza place, all sorts of glammed out.

AGAINST: Meeting them after already having two girls to meet in an hour.

FOR: The good thing about stopping in at places where they know you is after a while you just sort of do the whole Swingers-at-the-Dresden thing: you look at the line, you chuckle inside, you say hi to the security guy (or if you're lucky, the coquettish girl who takes cover and stamps your hand where applicable) and just sort of breeze in.

AGAINST: Not seeing my buddy Matt at the Bitter End after he hooked me up Friday. Might've been his night off or he was in and left already. Whatever. You gotta keep your VIP hookups happy. If they're not happy, you're cast right back down with the Sodomites.

FOR: Confidential remaining the best kept secret in the Gaslamp...

AGAINST: ...apparently not tonight, though!

AGAINST: Not knowing there was some sort of white party going on.

FOR: Have you ever seen a bunch of model-level chicks wearing all white? If you have the means, I highly suggest doing so.

FOR: So I've fallen for the hottest bartender in the Gaslamp. But can you blame me? She's blonde, she's 6'2", she keeps wearing corsets and bustiers, she models part-time, and she gives me Heineken! C'mon now.

FOR: The DJ spinning "I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor" and the Mark Ronson remix of "Just". It takes some chutzpah to remix Radiohead, and it takes skill to do it well.

AGAINST: Annnnnnnnnd now I'm late. Gotta Kenny Smith...

AGAINST: VIP line is long.

FOR: Holding up Bruce Lee's "Be water." maxim in times of stress.

AGAINST: The two foreign guys behind me. Nice guys, but I'd be relegated to being the funny one.

AGAINST: Amanda, listening to Third Eye Blind and calling me up to make sure I knew. Stupid LA and its stupid...whatever.

AGAINST: Emily taunting me from downstairs on Evey's dime.

FOR: Let's just say the possibility I open FHM in the near future, look at the My Best Friend page and let out a Cameron-in-Ferrisesque scream (except of joy) is now on the table.

FOR: ...boy, if you think I was insufferable before and that happens...

FOR: Aaron's hilariously wrong guess of what "auditoning" constituted.

FOR: 20 minutes. Could've been better, could've been worse. Being water. Move along, move along, like I know you do...

AGAINST: The price hike since the last time.

FOR: Good thing I'm not paying it!

FOR: On Broadway used to be my favorite club downtown [insert neon As Seen On MTV's Sweet 16 sign here--Natalie Viscuso, the owner's daughter and blonde hottie...who might be legal now...where the hell was I? Oh, right: stay out of my booze] because it's an old bank building severely Bondsified. I've mentioned this before, but ah, well. It's like a superhero; there's even an OFFICE SPACE AVAILABLE sign hanging outside on the corner under the giant old school clock. Inside, however, you got pretty much a bank's space except with a giant bar and dance floor in lieu of financial transactions and desks. And 5 rooms downstairs. One of which is the vault. Yes, they took an old vault, laid down shag carpeting, put a bar in there and some couches. And that's where I'm to meet Marisa & Emily. On my way.

AGAINST: The last nervous jolt from my stomach.

FOR: No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. Tyler Durden Tyler Durden TYLER DURDEN!

FOR: "So your friend didn't make it. (smirk)" "I know, I know. He left this long ramble on my voicemail. The gist of it is he's very gay. (bigger smirk)"

FOR: Randomly running into my buddy JP. So this is by a rough count, 7 old friends I haven't seen in 5 years+ in the past four months.

FOR: It's 11, it's On Broadway, and I'm doublefisting Heinies. The more things change, et al.

FOR: Confused jealous looks.

FOR?: Is that...no...

FOR: The thing in my peripheral that I think it is is actually the thing I think it is. Natalie & Melissa, from earlier travails. Yes, my hot first-ever high school now nurse crush and her best friend.

AGAINST: 4 women. 1 man. Any Fool Could See There Was Going To Be Trouble. And yet...

FOR: Who da fi-yah? I the fi-yah!

AGAINST: Ooh, Emily gave me a look when I introduced Natalie. She's lucky this isn't NINETYsix...

FOR: Playing it cool. As much as I can allow.

AGAINST: Natalie & Melissa coming back with guys who are below me.

FOR: Are they trying to get me?

AGAINST: Does Emily think they're trying to get me?

FOR: I love Joey Styles commentary. You know why? 'Cause it's happening in my head right now. And I think the tuned-in of you know which word. It is on like Donkey Kong to the break of dawn out in the lawn singing Bang A Gong.

FOR: Emily giving me her number.

AGAINST:

Wait...

FOR: Natalie & Melissa wanting a picture with me.

Wait..

AGAINST? I dunno.

FOR: Natalie waiting for the picture, and then putting her knee in my groin.

AGAINST: Oh, man, that is going to be one epic face when the pictures come out.

AGAINST: I have seen the look on Emily's face before. And it is not an invitation to crepes at IHOP.

FOR: Holy SHIT, she pressed her knee into my groin! And I know she knew Thor was in the vicinity. But why is she doing this?

AGAINST: Emily & Marisa went to the bathroom together. I wonder what the topic of discussion is going to be.

FOR: "And how'd you get two girls, Mr. Playboy?" She's back to flirting with me. I have to say the exact right thing at the exact

AGAINST: "I can't believe you did that! It's a good thing your knees are white already!"

FOR: Holy shit, she's laughing. Hard.

FOR: And, oh, boy, that Aeropostale-looking fuck by her doesn't look pleased.

FOR: You know, for someone who just put her knee in my crotch and all, she seems to really light up when one mentions his VIP passes.

AGAINST: I have to go to the bathroom. Five beers. I swear it's the five beers.

AGAINST: I think I'm startling the attendant. Mainly because I can't stop laughing.

FOR: Tipping double.

AGAINST: I am giving the Biz speech to Emily. And she seems to be very skeptical.

FOR: I think I left things on an up note.

FOR: I think I left things on an up note. With Natalie, after. "Call me" isn't just a Blonde song, right, right?

FOR: JP: "How you doin', man?"

AGAINST: Damn, I have got to get a handle on this laughing gig.

FOR: I love the 80s.

FOR: Thriller!

FOR: You know what the awesome thing about being drunk during Thriller is? You're already set up to do the monster dance since you're titling to a side and your head is, too. Keep your rhythm (I do) and put a mean face on, and suddenly you're the man.

AGAINST: The night ending?! But I'm on fire like an Ohio Player!

FOR: Decomposing at Fumari.

FOR: Grandma sleeps in my bed? I'll sleep in HERS!

AGAINST: Not where she sleeps, that would just be creepy.

FOR: The smirk on my face walking in the door at noon in the same clothes I had on.

FOR: No questions from my mom, either. Ooh, if she knew what I was doing with two Mexican girls, a Puerto Rican, and a white girl last night...

FOR: To quote Aaron's favorite rapper of all time, President Carter--guess who the fuck's got his swagger back?

Brooklyn Zoo Dirty