You Gots To Give It Up Now

Now begins my one-month of all altruistic purchase. December 25th. You're thinking "What can I get the man who has not much besides the restraining order Jessica Alba has on him lifted?"

Glad you asked!

DESIRED OBJECT: Jessica Alba
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Eva Longoria

DESIRED OBJECT: Psychosis mask
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Rey Mysterio mask

DESIRED OBJECT: mini-fridge I can stow in my room
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: new dresser because this thing is racing Tara Reid's implants in the Broken Down 500

DESIRED OBJECT: Seinfeld DVD set
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: NO SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU!

DESIRED OBJECT: Artest jersey
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Free Artest shirt

DESIRED OBJECT: a pair or two of 32 x 32 khakis to get into the club. Blue, maybe.
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: pair of jeans, similar

DESIRED OBJECT: Brooke Burke calendar
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Vida Guerra calendar

DESIRED OBJECT: Kellen Winslow powder blue Bolts throwback
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: an above average throwback (NO FUCKING LIME GREEN HAWKS)

DESIRED OBJECT: 20 gig IPod (check the side panel! It's a doable thing, people!)
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: a new CD player that shut all the way

DESIRED OBJECT: a committed relationship with a beautiful, smart woman
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: freaky one-night stand with some hot piece of ass who's name I barely remember and never see again after breakfast

DESIRED OBJECT: freaky one-night stand with some hot piece of ass who's name I barely remember and never see again after breakfast
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: a committed relationship with a beautiful, smart woman

As I think of more things (and, for you cheap bastids, more subs), I'll pile on this like a Dogwood samich. All right, now that you have an idea, get out there! Get working, 'cause you got a month. And remember--when the B man is happy, you get better posts.

SO MOVE YA ASS!

Ambient music: Aaliyah - Try Again