Finally, Some Dap For The Criminally Underrated Timex Social Club (or Wait Until You Hear This One)

Look at all these rumors
Surrounding me every day
I just need some time
Some time to get away
From all these rumors
Can't take it no more
My best friend say did you hear the one about me and the girl next door?

I'm so ambivalent.

Also, girls need to die. I swear, we're going to get the hang of this cloning and the human woman as known will get obsoletified within that generation.

So, anyways, today.

This happens before my shift, right as I'm heading into the men's locker room.

"So how's the girlfriend?"

A girl says this to me. Hey, you know how many of my male coworkers have asked if we're dating or the more blue-collar have you hit that yet? NONE OF THEM. You know why? 'Cause we're men. We drink, we fight, and we don't do cute little do-si-do bullshit on the fringes. But not only did that happen to me then, it happened to me on my break when I was trying to watch football with two other girls. It's so junior high school I feel the inner Lewis Black coming on.

Anyway, we talked about it. But that came later.

I waited for her while watching the Eagles choke yet AGAIN (pause to make sure I'm a safe distance from Philadelphia fans before laughing broadly) and we left together again.

And after some initial hesitation, I finally ask her if she wants to see a movie Sunday.

Yes.

CUT TO: a shocked and crestfallen 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers team, passing on the sparkling cider to Michael Dukakis.

CUE UP: stock fireworks footage

CUE UP: "Five O' Clock World' by the Vogues

CUT TO: the 3,472 voices in my head boisterantly celebrating. Champagne is spraying everywhere and a voice is screaming "LESS THAN THREE WEEKS! LESS THAN THREE MOTHER! FUCKING! WEEKS! WHO DA MAN?! WHO THE MOTHERFUCKING MAN?!" One of them rushes behind the turntables and puts on "Got To Give It Up Part 2" while a red gentleman with two cranial accessories is seen shivering and going "You're fucking kidding me, right?"

She's eating the giant peanut butter cup I bought her and laughing at my mini-rant about there being no freaks when I went to the midnight showing of LotRotK and finally as we exchange screen names and e-mail addresses (how ghetto nerd are we?) I feel content. A shitstorm that would've made Moses cringe, but this is why I suffered as I did, because now is all worth it.

I swear one of these days when I start feeling joy I'm going to learn to immediately duck afterwards.

Because the subject of how coupley we are comes up, and it turns out while I've been ducking the stray bullet here and there today the females on staff have turned execution squad with gossip bullets what is W R O N G with you bitches?! She repositions the Buffy & Simpsons & Philosophy books I'm lending her. Just because she thinks I'm cool (*shrug*), we get along and we like have a good mental connection, she says, and now I realize that thing on my left is a rock and the thing on my right is a hard place and those lights aren't the end of the tunnel but a freight train coming my way.

I've gotten a date that may or may not techincally constitute a date.

I ask for so little and somehow get even less. Anyways I'm going to have to talk to my braintrust because the next step is crucial. I need to keep her as a friend because she's such a cool person but the dangling carrot of the possibility of having such a quality woman as my girlfriend...*sigh*

I have nothing more to say that is either relevant or true. Except either I need to propel this gossipy force to my advantage or get these bitches to cease the yappity-flap.