Obit: "Talk Shows On Mute", 10
(10) Modest Mouse => Float On (9)
(09) Faithless => Mass Destruction (7)
(08) Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (6)
(07) Jay-Z => 99 Problems (2)
(06) the Hives => Walk Idiot Walk (5)
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon => Culo (debut)*
(04) Kanye West => Jesus Walks (3)
(03) Maroon 5 => She Will Be Loved (8)*
(02) Juvenile => Slow Motion (4)*
(01) Black Eyed Peas => Let's Get Retarded (1) [1m]
Ambient music: Incubus - Nice To Know You
8/21/04
8/19/04
Surveillance Photos From the Biggest Con of Them All
Shout to the original husband of Lita, the H-Bomb. (Even if he thinks I should've asked for some digits or an e-mail from Iyari. Then I could've hugged some snakes! Yes! Hug and kiss some POISONOUS SNAKES!)
Here it is, BAM! And you say godDAMN, this is the dope jam...
I was not fooled by their stocky physiques. The news on the other hand...
1 (giant) carrot? GOLD!
I don't care: even WITH Slimer Beatrix would whup their asses
"You don't have any weapons in that bag, do you, sir?" "Me? Uh....no..."
Dear Michael Dupin,
Yes, I really do hate you.
Sincerely,
GOD
Joss wrote me out as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics! I was s'pose'da be the fourth nerd, Rufus...
Hey! A picture where I look dark!
Adam? Evil? Pfft, you give him a box of Nilla wafers and check the pearly whites.
www.robialamorte (is STILL damn fine).com
Friendly girl, but the restraining order from '97 isn't up until '07, sooooo...
Here's a sample. Now multiply that by about 800.
"Like a shot with that camera, you fanboy fuck."
First one to find Waldo wins
The family that nerds together...
"Is that Kristen Kreuk? Hey, just because my buddy's gay..."
Me to Cartoon Network representative: Thank God I'm not high right now.
"Dammit, I ordered the cross-cut! Send it back, send it back!"
"So 15,000 nerds walk into a bar..."
Who you gonna call? Probably Kitana if she'd left me a number. But here's a Ghostbuster!
With their season already in jeopardy, the Chargers call on a New York native to help them get back to glory...
Jennifer Tilly, in tight black leather. Nothing funny about that.
And Jennifer Tilly taking a picture of the guy's Chucky tattoo on his leg. No, seriously.
I even went through the trouble of changing into my street clothes, but Alba's security still recognized my voice. *sigh*
As a thank you to Rob, here's a pic of him wearing his favorite shirt.
"First one to reference Holy Grail loses." "Deal."
"So this ISN'T the chiropractor's convention? Oh, fuck this, then!"
Turn ons include peanut butter cups, brunettes, and intellectual discourse. Turnoffs include uggos and fatties.
So that'll do you.
Ambient music: Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
Here it is, BAM! And you say godDAMN, this is the dope jam...
I was not fooled by their stocky physiques. The news on the other hand...
1 (giant) carrot? GOLD!
I don't care: even WITH Slimer Beatrix would whup their asses
"You don't have any weapons in that bag, do you, sir?" "Me? Uh....no..."
Dear Michael Dupin,
Yes, I really do hate you.
Sincerely,
GOD
Joss wrote me out as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics! I was s'pose'da be the fourth nerd, Rufus...
Hey! A picture where I look dark!
Adam? Evil? Pfft, you give him a box of Nilla wafers and check the pearly whites.
www.robialamorte (is STILL damn fine).com
Friendly girl, but the restraining order from '97 isn't up until '07, sooooo...
Here's a sample. Now multiply that by about 800.
"Like a shot with that camera, you fanboy fuck."
First one to find Waldo wins
The family that nerds together...
"Is that Kristen Kreuk? Hey, just because my buddy's gay..."
Me to Cartoon Network representative: Thank God I'm not high right now.
"Dammit, I ordered the cross-cut! Send it back, send it back!"
"So 15,000 nerds walk into a bar..."
Who you gonna call? Probably Kitana if she'd left me a number. But here's a Ghostbuster!
With their season already in jeopardy, the Chargers call on a New York native to help them get back to glory...
Jennifer Tilly, in tight black leather. Nothing funny about that.
And Jennifer Tilly taking a picture of the guy's Chucky tattoo on his leg. No, seriously.
I even went through the trouble of changing into my street clothes, but Alba's security still recognized my voice. *sigh*
As a thank you to Rob, here's a pic of him wearing his favorite shirt.
"First one to reference Holy Grail loses." "Deal."
"So this ISN'T the chiropractor's convention? Oh, fuck this, then!"
Turn ons include peanut butter cups, brunettes, and intellectual discourse. Turnoffs include uggos and fatties.
So that'll do you.
Ambient music: Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
8/17/04
Biggest Con of Them All Photo Appetizer
The reason Wiccans like Willow probly can't stand me
'Cause I know the shirt'll make Kennedy come out them panties, BITCH!
I passed tastes great and miserably failed at less filling
Is that a Chasing Amy poster in my bag or am I happy to see them?
Not pictured: the part where he cut off my left ear
More to come? Bet your ass.
Ambient music: Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine - Bullet The Blue Sky
'Cause I know the shirt'll make Kennedy come out them panties, BITCH!
I passed tastes great and miserably failed at less filling
Is that a Chasing Amy poster in my bag or am I happy to see them?
Not pictured: the part where he cut off my left ear
More to come? Bet your ass.
Ambient music: Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine - Bullet The Blue Sky
8/15/04
Destiny? Sorry, She's Off Tonight
the running Summerslam diary
I expected everything should be solid, except for Eddie/Kurt, which will give me a low-level workrategasm.
Pre-game fortune cookie: YOU HAVE A KIND AND GENEROUS HEART.
Me: I think it's time for you to maybe start doing your damn job. I think it's time for you to end this facade of journalistic integrity. You know what you tell me? "You have a kind and generous heart!" You see, you're a powerful psychic, fortune cookie, you have got the ability to reach a lot of people, to spread the truth, and you neglect to do it. Let me ask you a couple of questions. What is it about my kind and generous heart that makes me any money? What is it about this gift from the heavens that always ends with me alone? Is that where the fun starts? Whoopee! Let the party begin! I can't believe you sit here and tell me that. Do I bring it on to myself? I haven't done a damn thing to YOU. All you've done to people is mislead them and let them think I'm having the time of my goddamn life when I'm in pain! Don't you look at me with that smug look. You make me sick. I ought to smack you...
[attacks with the mandible claw; screaming incoherently]
Can we get some help...? He's gonna need some help...
SHOUT OUT TO SAMMY C.!
4:40: I meet Jerel, a cohort in crime from my work in the Squared Circle and my wingman's wingman is Ernesto. Ernesto's a mark. This'll be fun. And sadly, I didn't notice the Crash-Shannon-v1 similarity until I just typed this.
5: 'Cause there ain't no cure for how much Rush sucks you are looking LIIIIIIIIIVE at the Mission Valley Hooters, with the Slam being brought to you bah Heineken as far as I'm concerned. Jerel would address you but he's busy macking the waitress. Keep in mind I am not getting any crowd reax (more on this later). In the Spanish announce table pool, Jerel has 6, Ernesto 6:05, and me 6:45.
5:08: I am such a mark for evil double-teaming it's not even funny.
5:14: Poetry in Tope Con Hilo! The muhfuggin HART ATTACK~! SSP! Man, that was as fun as I thought it'd be. Evil Spike may be my gimmick of the year after three shows.
5:18: Kane reminds me of the drunken uncle at every Southern family reunion. EVER.
5:24: Matt Hardy busts out a plancha for the first time in the new millennium, thus astounding us who are not manly and with an ACL injury would look for the nearest big-tittayed Swedish female massuse.
5:26: *watches the super chokeslam*
5:26:10: Matt Hardy was 28 years old.
5:29: Cena/Orton to main event 21 preview? Hmm...the set's nice but the half circle's throwing me for some reason.
5:31: We were just talked to by Keith Scott Zimmerman in 2024. ZOINKS. Ernesto: Booker T looks like the Predator, man. I have no idea how he delivered that bon mot and actually seemed concerned about what happened to Lex Luger, and frankly I'm not sure I want to.
5:37: There are MULTIPLE small children. In Hooters. Watching WWE. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating.--Lewis Black There are multiple small children in Hooters watching professional wrestling. Jessica Marie Alba, no wonder everyone outside of this state thinks we're fucking nuts.
5:45: We are all suitably in awe of Batista, who looks like he's flexing while standing still. Ernesto says "Damn Canadians" at some point--without the crowd reaction--and I just don't have the heart to break it to him the two-decade strangehold Canadian stars have had on our shores.
5:56: No Christian?! BOOOO!
6: There's no sound. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. All of a sudden I see Kurt Angle's Titantron. I can't yell YOU SUCK! The terrorists have won.
6:14: First ref bump, which I completely forgot to make a subpool for.
6:20: Guess who's favorite Olympian is all the way back up in this muthafucka?!
6:28: This has been some textbook old-school goodness to start: Eugene's reaction to the set and then Triple H, the have-I-reached-10? punch countalong, Triple H using Lillian as a shield and then kicking him in the head, the fake leg injury followed by a laugh and "What?" to the referee. By the way, people looked at me when I laughed hard at the heel stuff. Fuck 'em.
6:31: "YMCA" breaks out. No, really. If I had more than three beers I'd swear I was drunk.
6:37: Someone hit the Pedigree on Triple H. If I had more than three beers...
6:40: Diva Dodgeball starts. Next table over: "Who's that?" "Don't care." At HOOTERS? I Am In Shock.
6:43: "Don't hurt Gail!" Yes, that was me, why do you ask?
6:45: Clay over Liston. Jets over Colts. NC State over Phi Slamma Jamma. Buster Douglas KOing Mike Tyson. Ron Seigel sweeping Sakai. And the Searchers annihilating the Divas. Where was the Joy/Amy victory spanking, I ask you?
6:50: "All watching JBL does is remind me how much Ted DiBiase DIDN'T get to be champion." It was decided for Jim Ross' safety that he should not call this match.
7: A waitress is intrigued slash horrified by the first two hours of notes and tries to make sense of them all. Me to her: part of that's in Sanskrit, by the way.
7:05: The table comes to the consensus that we'd take a piss break but we'd definitely miss whatever the big thing is.
7:13: Dear WWE,
FUCK you. 20 minutes of my life gone, and I want them back PDf'nQ.
Signed,
All Fans Who Just Watched That Crime Against Everything Good In This World
7:17: Benoit doesn't show off the belt to both sides of the crowd, thus ensuring a loss. It's nice to be a smark with someone else around.
7:24: The tope to nowhere gets everybody's attention. Broken neck? I scoff at your broken neck!
7:40: Jerel: "Did he win? CLEANLY?!"
About Orton: it is Way Too Goddamn Soon for the face turn, which shouldn't happen before '06. And they rushed him to the title to spite Brock, but I'd rather him be heel champ at this stage than face. What the fuck did Benoit NOT killify his ass, it wasn't like Toronto was going to turn him heel. Back in my day a handshake was Step 1 on the way to a beatdown.
JBL is becoming to title reigns what Christina Aguilera is to restraint. This is why we need a healthy Kurt Angle, so someone GOOD can hold the belt again. I heard Toronto took a Cleveland Steamer on UT. Good for them.
Well, RAW tomorrow ought be interesting as we deal with the repercussions of the Dodgeball squash. And the new champ and blah blah blah.
Ambient music: the Jam - A Town Called Malice
I expected everything should be solid, except for Eddie/Kurt, which will give me a low-level workrategasm.
Pre-game fortune cookie: YOU HAVE A KIND AND GENEROUS HEART.
Me: I think it's time for you to maybe start doing your damn job. I think it's time for you to end this facade of journalistic integrity. You know what you tell me? "You have a kind and generous heart!" You see, you're a powerful psychic, fortune cookie, you have got the ability to reach a lot of people, to spread the truth, and you neglect to do it. Let me ask you a couple of questions. What is it about my kind and generous heart that makes me any money? What is it about this gift from the heavens that always ends with me alone? Is that where the fun starts? Whoopee! Let the party begin! I can't believe you sit here and tell me that. Do I bring it on to myself? I haven't done a damn thing to YOU. All you've done to people is mislead them and let them think I'm having the time of my goddamn life when I'm in pain! Don't you look at me with that smug look. You make me sick. I ought to smack you...
[attacks with the mandible claw; screaming incoherently]
Can we get some help...? He's gonna need some help...
SHOUT OUT TO SAMMY C.!
4:40: I meet Jerel, a cohort in crime from my work in the Squared Circle and my wingman's wingman is Ernesto. Ernesto's a mark. This'll be fun. And sadly, I didn't notice the Crash-Shannon-v1 similarity until I just typed this.
5: 'Cause there ain't no cure for how much Rush sucks you are looking LIIIIIIIIIVE at the Mission Valley Hooters, with the Slam being brought to you bah Heineken as far as I'm concerned. Jerel would address you but he's busy macking the waitress. Keep in mind I am not getting any crowd reax (more on this later). In the Spanish announce table pool, Jerel has 6, Ernesto 6:05, and me 6:45.
5:08: I am such a mark for evil double-teaming it's not even funny.
5:14: Poetry in Tope Con Hilo! The muhfuggin HART ATTACK~! SSP! Man, that was as fun as I thought it'd be. Evil Spike may be my gimmick of the year after three shows.
5:18: Kane reminds me of the drunken uncle at every Southern family reunion. EVER.
5:24: Matt Hardy busts out a plancha for the first time in the new millennium, thus astounding us who are not manly and with an ACL injury would look for the nearest big-tittayed Swedish female massuse.
5:26: *watches the super chokeslam*
5:26:10: Matt Hardy was 28 years old.
5:29: Cena/Orton to main event 21 preview? Hmm...the set's nice but the half circle's throwing me for some reason.
5:31: We were just talked to by Keith Scott Zimmerman in 2024. ZOINKS. Ernesto: Booker T looks like the Predator, man. I have no idea how he delivered that bon mot and actually seemed concerned about what happened to Lex Luger, and frankly I'm not sure I want to.
5:37: There are MULTIPLE small children. In Hooters. Watching WWE. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating.--Lewis Black There are multiple small children in Hooters watching professional wrestling. Jessica Marie Alba, no wonder everyone outside of this state thinks we're fucking nuts.
5:45: We are all suitably in awe of Batista, who looks like he's flexing while standing still. Ernesto says "Damn Canadians" at some point--without the crowd reaction--and I just don't have the heart to break it to him the two-decade strangehold Canadian stars have had on our shores.
5:56: No Christian?! BOOOO!
6: There's no sound. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. All of a sudden I see Kurt Angle's Titantron. I can't yell YOU SUCK! The terrorists have won.
6:14: First ref bump, which I completely forgot to make a subpool for.
6:20: Guess who's favorite Olympian is all the way back up in this muthafucka?!
6:28: This has been some textbook old-school goodness to start: Eugene's reaction to the set and then Triple H, the have-I-reached-10? punch countalong, Triple H using Lillian as a shield and then kicking him in the head, the fake leg injury followed by a laugh and "What?" to the referee. By the way, people looked at me when I laughed hard at the heel stuff. Fuck 'em.
6:31: "YMCA" breaks out. No, really. If I had more than three beers I'd swear I was drunk.
6:37: Someone hit the Pedigree on Triple H. If I had more than three beers...
6:40: Diva Dodgeball starts. Next table over: "Who's that?" "Don't care." At HOOTERS? I Am In Shock.
6:43: "Don't hurt Gail!" Yes, that was me, why do you ask?
6:45: Clay over Liston. Jets over Colts. NC State over Phi Slamma Jamma. Buster Douglas KOing Mike Tyson. Ron Seigel sweeping Sakai. And the Searchers annihilating the Divas. Where was the Joy/Amy victory spanking, I ask you?
6:50: "All watching JBL does is remind me how much Ted DiBiase DIDN'T get to be champion." It was decided for Jim Ross' safety that he should not call this match.
7: A waitress is intrigued slash horrified by the first two hours of notes and tries to make sense of them all. Me to her: part of that's in Sanskrit, by the way.
7:05: The table comes to the consensus that we'd take a piss break but we'd definitely miss whatever the big thing is.
7:13: Dear WWE,
FUCK you. 20 minutes of my life gone, and I want them back PDf'nQ.
Signed,
All Fans Who Just Watched That Crime Against Everything Good In This World
7:17: Benoit doesn't show off the belt to both sides of the crowd, thus ensuring a loss. It's nice to be a smark with someone else around.
7:24: The tope to nowhere gets everybody's attention. Broken neck? I scoff at your broken neck!
7:40: Jerel: "Did he win? CLEANLY?!"
About Orton: it is Way Too Goddamn Soon for the face turn, which shouldn't happen before '06. And they rushed him to the title to spite Brock, but I'd rather him be heel champ at this stage than face. What the fuck did Benoit NOT killify his ass, it wasn't like Toronto was going to turn him heel. Back in my day a handshake was Step 1 on the way to a beatdown.
JBL is becoming to title reigns what Christina Aguilera is to restraint. This is why we need a healthy Kurt Angle, so someone GOOD can hold the belt again. I heard Toronto took a Cleveland Steamer on UT. Good for them.
Well, RAW tomorrow ought be interesting as we deal with the repercussions of the Dodgeball squash. And the new champ and blah blah blah.
Ambient music: the Jam - A Town Called Malice
8/14/04
Rosser Genuine Draft
Yeah, props to Matt & Rob--WHO I WILL DESTROY! MUAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!
Ladies and gentlemen, the roster for YOUR North Tijuana 619ers!
[1st] (3) RB Clinton Portis, WAS: Averaging five and a half yards a carry, 1,550 yards, and only two fumbles a year. Did I mention he's the #1 running back in a Joe Gibbs offense? 10.
[2nd] (18) RB Domanick Davis, HOU: has since been traded for RB Marshall Faulk, ST.L: not to say Mike Martz is the dumbest coach alive but playing as the Rams on Madden '05 I blew up about 8 ways from Sunday. How'd I do it? Two ways: a) Faulk ran the ball at least 3 times on the sustained drives and 2) I sent him out on the line all the time or threw a short pass and let him work the hoodoo. Davis did similar numbers but the Texans have way fewer options and he catches less. It's possible Marshall'll get hurt again, but as a #2? I've had harder times choosing cereal. 9.
[3rd] (23) RB Corey Dillion, NE: Lessee--1,300 yard running back + psychotically loaded Super Bowl Champions...Mr. James Todd Smith, your comments on this perennial Pro Bowler? Don't call it a comeback! 9.
[4th] (38) WR Derrick Mason, TEN: Improving every year, last year getting 1,300 yards plus, nine games with 90 yards+, didn't miss a game, and is poised to be McNair's boy with the abscence of Eddie George off the Titans. Probably the most underrated of the top 10 WRs. Church. 9.
[5th] (43) WR Santana Moss, J E T S: Faster than a paycheck, four 110+ games, 1,100 yards last year. As long as Pennington holds up and he keeps getting big YAC, opponents will be begging me to change my "Evil Ways", heh heh heh. Sorry. 10.
[6th] (58) QB Aaron Brooks, NO: Good news! Mid 20s in TDs year after year! Bad news! The Saints (and as a result, Brooks) are f'n schitzo! ELEVEN fumbles last year! Ohh...that orange chicken isn't sitting so good... 7.
[7th] (63) WR Charles Rogers, DET: OK, the Lions suck and they drafted Roy Williams. But Rogers is a big dude and was averaging a first down's worth a catch before he bit it. As a #3 this is fine, especially if he lasts year to year on a bad team--falling behind frequently they would tend to throw more. 7.
[8th] (78) TAMPA defense: No Sapp or Lynch. *stifles sob* Still got Brooks, and the opportunistic backfield. When the Bucs had it together, they scored a lot of defensive TDs. Still solid--just not the blowaway they once were. 8.
[9th] (83) TE Randy McMichael, MIA: eeep. This WOULD'VE been a good pick, but then Ricky Williams went to make Half-Baked 2, and David Boston pulled a Paris Hilton, and who's the QB and *sigh* 5.
[10th] (98) K Josh Brown, SEA: 2nd year, big money offense, made all 48 extra points? All righty. No Vanderjagt but he'll suffice. 8.
[11th] (103) RB Charlie Garner, TB: That sound you hear is Rob gnashing his teeth. Purely bye-week filler with Portis-Faulk-Dillon being the top backs, so I'm fine with this. 7.
[12th] (118) RB William Green, CLE: See above. Except he might not start. And has the stench of Jimmy Smith on him. Why am I not mad? Portis-Faulk-Dillon, that's why. 5.
[13th] (123) QB Jeff Garcia, CLE: PFFFFFFFFFFT. Maybe if he got me Carmella's cell number or a Mansion invite I'd be a little more up. But the Browns ain't gonna do much of anything. This might be the Charles Rogers theory for a different position--he may also recreate the Snickers "But you don't understand, I'm Batman!" commerical by Week 6. Que sera sera...5.
[14th] (138) WR Deion Branch, NE: The man who caught the first TD of the Super Bowl almost doubled his yards from '02 to '03 and averaged a first down a catch; the problem is the Patriots, esp. with my boy Dillon have got one of the more libertarian offenses in the League so it doesn't always translate into TDs. With the Band of Renown on the verge of pursuing solo careers he could easily step up to be their #1 receiving threat, or at least do well at #2. Between he, Mason, Moss & Rogers...huzzah! 8.
[15th] (143) TE Bubba Franks, GB: Let me get this straight: Brett Favre is your QB and you can't even get 3g in a season? Bubba, you're not a fucking legend, and that is getting ugly. 0.
[16th] (158) CHICAGO defense: Brian Urlacher and the 10 Dwarves? To quote a wise philosopher from a suburb of Los Angeles, nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga please waived, replaced by GREEN BAY defense: did similar numbers to Tampa--last year Tampa and gave up 55 more points. Perfectly Acceptable Bye Week filler. 6.
Last year my picks gave me nervous apprehension and a fucking drug charge before the draft EVEN ENDED FUCK YOU JIMMY SMITH! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIIIIIIIE! and as an end result I lost the first 10 games, gutted the team like an underperforming business, and quit. This year, I feel good. As long as my three-headed running back monster performs at their levels, the season should go decently.
Barring plane crash it can't go worse than last year--and THAT draft you'll find out about next weekend. Be (t)here. Aloha.
Ambient music: Liz Phair - Supernova
Ladies and gentlemen, the roster for YOUR North Tijuana 619ers!
[1st] (3) RB Clinton Portis, WAS: Averaging five and a half yards a carry, 1,550 yards, and only two fumbles a year. Did I mention he's the #1 running back in a Joe Gibbs offense? 10.
[2nd] (18) RB Domanick Davis, HOU: has since been traded for RB Marshall Faulk, ST.L: not to say Mike Martz is the dumbest coach alive but playing as the Rams on Madden '05 I blew up about 8 ways from Sunday. How'd I do it? Two ways: a) Faulk ran the ball at least 3 times on the sustained drives and 2) I sent him out on the line all the time or threw a short pass and let him work the hoodoo. Davis did similar numbers but the Texans have way fewer options and he catches less. It's possible Marshall'll get hurt again, but as a #2? I've had harder times choosing cereal. 9.
[3rd] (23) RB Corey Dillion, NE: Lessee--1,300 yard running back + psychotically loaded Super Bowl Champions...Mr. James Todd Smith, your comments on this perennial Pro Bowler? Don't call it a comeback! 9.
[4th] (38) WR Derrick Mason, TEN: Improving every year, last year getting 1,300 yards plus, nine games with 90 yards+, didn't miss a game, and is poised to be McNair's boy with the abscence of Eddie George off the Titans. Probably the most underrated of the top 10 WRs. Church. 9.
[5th] (43) WR Santana Moss, J E T S: Faster than a paycheck, four 110+ games, 1,100 yards last year. As long as Pennington holds up and he keeps getting big YAC, opponents will be begging me to change my "Evil Ways", heh heh heh. Sorry. 10.
[6th] (58) QB Aaron Brooks, NO: Good news! Mid 20s in TDs year after year! Bad news! The Saints (and as a result, Brooks) are f'n schitzo! ELEVEN fumbles last year! Ohh...that orange chicken isn't sitting so good... 7.
[7th] (63) WR Charles Rogers, DET: OK, the Lions suck and they drafted Roy Williams. But Rogers is a big dude and was averaging a first down's worth a catch before he bit it. As a #3 this is fine, especially if he lasts year to year on a bad team--falling behind frequently they would tend to throw more. 7.
[8th] (78) TAMPA defense: No Sapp or Lynch. *stifles sob* Still got Brooks, and the opportunistic backfield. When the Bucs had it together, they scored a lot of defensive TDs. Still solid--just not the blowaway they once were. 8.
[9th] (83) TE Randy McMichael, MIA: eeep. This WOULD'VE been a good pick, but then Ricky Williams went to make Half-Baked 2, and David Boston pulled a Paris Hilton, and who's the QB and *sigh* 5.
[10th] (98) K Josh Brown, SEA: 2nd year, big money offense, made all 48 extra points? All righty. No Vanderjagt but he'll suffice. 8.
[11th] (103) RB Charlie Garner, TB: That sound you hear is Rob gnashing his teeth. Purely bye-week filler with Portis-Faulk-Dillon being the top backs, so I'm fine with this. 7.
[12th] (118) RB William Green, CLE: See above. Except he might not start. And has the stench of Jimmy Smith on him. Why am I not mad? Portis-Faulk-Dillon, that's why. 5.
[13th] (123) QB Jeff Garcia, CLE: PFFFFFFFFFFT. Maybe if he got me Carmella's cell number or a Mansion invite I'd be a little more up. But the Browns ain't gonna do much of anything. This might be the Charles Rogers theory for a different position--he may also recreate the Snickers "But you don't understand, I'm Batman!" commerical by Week 6. Que sera sera...5.
[14th] (138) WR Deion Branch, NE: The man who caught the first TD of the Super Bowl almost doubled his yards from '02 to '03 and averaged a first down a catch; the problem is the Patriots, esp. with my boy Dillon have got one of the more libertarian offenses in the League so it doesn't always translate into TDs. With the Band of Renown on the verge of pursuing solo careers he could easily step up to be their #1 receiving threat, or at least do well at #2. Between he, Mason, Moss & Rogers...huzzah! 8.
[15th] (143) TE Bubba Franks, GB: Let me get this straight: Brett Favre is your QB and you can't even get 3g in a season? Bubba, you're not a fucking legend, and that is getting ugly. 0.
[16th] (158) CHICAGO defense: Brian Urlacher and the 10 Dwarves? To quote a wise philosopher from a suburb of Los Angeles, nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga please waived, replaced by GREEN BAY defense: did similar numbers to Tampa--last year Tampa and gave up 55 more points. Perfectly Acceptable Bye Week filler. 6.
Last year my picks gave me nervous apprehension and a fucking drug charge before the draft EVEN ENDED FUCK YOU JIMMY SMITH! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIIIIIIIE! and as an end result I lost the first 10 games, gutted the team like an underperforming business, and quit. This year, I feel good. As long as my three-headed running back monster performs at their levels, the season should go decently.
Barring plane crash it can't go worse than last year--and THAT draft you'll find out about next weekend. Be (t)here. Aloha.
Ambient music: Liz Phair - Supernova
8/13/04
Back Into the Pool
I don't know really what to say. It was a much shorter date than a normal one, and Maria looked great and everything but our convo seemed slightly off-kilter; like an aria sung a note low or something. Staying up all night last night maybe a mistake. Oh, and she's more religious than I first suspected, thus making my novel a mild bone of contention.
Had to know how much was there, and now I know. So let's get ready for the next ep...oh, you've GOT to be kidding me...
Ambient music: Violent Femmes - Promise
Had to know how much was there, and now I know. So let's get ready for the next ep...oh, you've GOT to be kidding me...
Ambient music: Violent Femmes - Promise
8/12/04
Hypocracy? That's Just Fancy Talk For FAAAAAANTASTIC
In the outside world, if I press my groin against a girl's ass it gets me 7 to 15 in federal pound me in the ass prison.
When I wish to press my groin against a girl's ass in the outside world, there is no one willing.
And yet give me an hour on the dance floor and it happens like meltdowns around Homer.
Guess who's been drinking? Better recover by noon, I's gots a date.
Yes, more to come.
Ambient music: Nore & the Neptunes - Superthug (What What)
When I wish to press my groin against a girl's ass in the outside world, there is no one willing.
And yet give me an hour on the dance floor and it happens like meltdowns around Homer.
Guess who's been drinking? Better recover by noon, I's gots a date.
Yes, more to come.
Ambient music: Nore & the Neptunes - Superthug (What What)
8/7/04
Pocket 10
Obituaries: "Super Duper Love", 6; "Ocean Avenue", 8; "Ch-Check It Out", 10
(10) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)
(09) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (7)
(08) Maroon 5 ==> She Will Be Loved (debut)
(07) Faithless ==> Mass Destruction (debut)
(06) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (5)
(05) the Hives ==> Walk Idiot Walk (debut)
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (3)
(03) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (4)*
(02) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1)
(01) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Injected's "Faithless"
(10) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)
(09) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (7)
(08) Maroon 5 ==> She Will Be Loved (debut)
(07) Faithless ==> Mass Destruction (debut)
(06) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (5)
(05) the Hives ==> Walk Idiot Walk (debut)
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (3)
(03) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (4)*
(02) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1)
(01) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Injected's "Faithless"
8/6/04
It WAS A Celebration, Bitches
Funk legend Rick James, best known for the 1981 hit ''Super Freak,'' died Friday, apparently of natural causes, police said.
In 1997, he released a new album, but a year later he suffered a stroke while performing at Denver's Mammoth Events Center, derailing a comeback tour. In 1998 he also underwent hip replacement surgery.
With his trademark Jheri curl, James was one of the biggest R&B stars of the 1980s, using danceable rhythms and passionate ballads to gain a wide following. Aside from ''Super Freak'' - which MC Hammer used a decade later as the backing track for his monster hit ''U Can't Touch This'' - James' hits included ''Mary Jane,'' ''Ebony Eyes'' and ''Fire and Desire,'' a stirring duet with Teena Marie.
James died at 9:45 a.m. at a residence near Universal City, said Police Department spokeswoman Esther Reyes.
''We learned of his death after responding to a radio call,'' Reyes said.
After his big hit, James' fame began to fade as he became embroiled in drugs, legal problems and health issues.
James was convicted in 1993 of assaulting two women. The first attack occurred in 1991 when he restrained and burned a young woman with a hot pipe during a cocaine binge at his house in West Hollywood. He was free on bail when the second assault occurred in 1992 in James' hotel room.
James was sentenced to more than two years in state prison.In 1997, he released a new album, but a year later he suffered a stroke while performing at Denver's Mammoth Events Center, derailing a comeback tour. In 1998 he also underwent hip replacement surgery.
With his trademark Jheri curl, James was one of the biggest R&B stars of the 1980s, using danceable rhythms and passionate ballads to gain a wide following. Aside from ''Super Freak'' - which MC Hammer used a decade later as the backing track for his monster hit ''U Can't Touch This'' - James' hits included ''Mary Jane,'' ''Ebony Eyes'' and ''Fire and Desire,'' a stirring duet with Teena Marie.
Ambient music: De La Soul's "Me, Myself, & I"
8/5/04
21st Century Digital Boys
The punchline to this--of course--is Ain't life a mystery, yeah?
When I woke up Monday morning, I had some depression and a side of angst. It wasn't any personal sand getting in my oyster shell, it was just the return to work after a week off. As I tend to do, I visited this place. Now, usually when I visit it's in a non-posting capacity to keep the sidebar updated on the off chance someone's looking on and wondering what I'm reading, etc.
So before I hit the blogs and links I saw a comment under the new Starfuckers entry. Now, any comments always get my attention due to their rarity (and, of course, the ego stroke that means I'm not tilting at windmills doing this). This really grabbed my attention because nobody responds to the Starfuckers entries.
You can go down and see it's from Daniel Womack. Now I haven't brought him up before, and most of my friends haven't heard or seen his name before. As Lewis Black taught you, there is a reason.
Up until about six hours ago, we hadn't seen each other for about 12 years. In my pre-pubescent youth, he was my best friend. We lived pretty close, hung out a lot. But high school took over, and we started splintering off our seperate ways. To be honest, I hadn't thought of him in a few years.
But that comment...
So I find out he's still around in town, and married a woman I knew but have long since forgotten (12 YEARS, people! Don't cluck disapprovingly at me!). After some fuckups on my part, we finally got together tonight.
And I'm not exactly sure why, nor do I care in depth, but in a lot of ways the missed time might as well have not existed. We got along just the same as we did in the way back when, and we were able to conversate on a intellectual and normal guy stupid way as well. I maintain as I did to him this probably wouldn't happen if one of us was female. Instead, we bowled (139 [third-best], 113, 116 --3-0 with a big closeout flurry in the middle game to win by a pin) and ate and pretty much played catchup when we felt like it. He got a lot of the Rosser Greatest Hits in the gap left. The Liz story. Starbucks COFFEE?! The Comic-Con this year. "Do you make 100,000 a year before taxes?" The noise I heard at the Memorial Day bikini pageant. The crazy shit I got into Friday night. The even crazier shit I got into the first time I got drunk.
The thing of it was, the oddness was caused not by the time apart, but by the fact the time apart didn't cause any oddness. You can go back and reread that 'cause I swear that makes sense. We didn't really change at our cores is the reason I'd like to think. He said it's because I'm pretty unflappable, and for once that wasn't apathy showing. Time does what it does, but that just gave us story fodder. And Liz, feel grateful: your story is absolute free-drink GOLD. We talked about the advances of technology progressing in our void and I believe I may have sold him a copy of NCAA 05 off of word of mouth. We played that "being back at the high school distorts one's perception of self-age". Other's sentences were finished. To give you a sample of the evening, he gave off a quick Lumbergh bite. I of course recognized it. Then I got to tell the story of how Cristal and I got together.
It was the sort of night where we hung out amicably, pulled to my place at 1 and talked for another hour about everything and nothing.
It was really fucking awesome, and it might not even be 12 days before we're once again hanging out. And outside of the smallest fraction of a connection via PGE it wouldn't've happened. He thought of ESPN, which made him think of me. (Pre-pubescent; all the time I talk about and spend thinking about pussy now was devoted to sports then. Now it's a time-share.) And he happened to find me, and we got along, and to quote young Hova it's back as if we never left.
So if ever I write about this thing being worthless, and/or unseen, point me to this post and clout me one.
His blog's in the ranks. Go say hi.
I mean, worse comes to worse we'll have one hell of a convo in 2017.
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Trouble"
When I woke up Monday morning, I had some depression and a side of angst. It wasn't any personal sand getting in my oyster shell, it was just the return to work after a week off. As I tend to do, I visited this place. Now, usually when I visit it's in a non-posting capacity to keep the sidebar updated on the off chance someone's looking on and wondering what I'm reading, etc.
So before I hit the blogs and links I saw a comment under the new Starfuckers entry. Now, any comments always get my attention due to their rarity (and, of course, the ego stroke that means I'm not tilting at windmills doing this). This really grabbed my attention because nobody responds to the Starfuckers entries.
You can go down and see it's from Daniel Womack. Now I haven't brought him up before, and most of my friends haven't heard or seen his name before. As Lewis Black taught you, there is a reason.
Up until about six hours ago, we hadn't seen each other for about 12 years. In my pre-pubescent youth, he was my best friend. We lived pretty close, hung out a lot. But high school took over, and we started splintering off our seperate ways. To be honest, I hadn't thought of him in a few years.
But that comment...
So I find out he's still around in town, and married a woman I knew but have long since forgotten (12 YEARS, people! Don't cluck disapprovingly at me!). After some fuckups on my part, we finally got together tonight.
And I'm not exactly sure why, nor do I care in depth, but in a lot of ways the missed time might as well have not existed. We got along just the same as we did in the way back when, and we were able to conversate on a intellectual and normal guy stupid way as well. I maintain as I did to him this probably wouldn't happen if one of us was female. Instead, we bowled (139 [third-best], 113, 116 --3-0 with a big closeout flurry in the middle game to win by a pin) and ate and pretty much played catchup when we felt like it. He got a lot of the Rosser Greatest Hits in the gap left. The Liz story. Starbucks COFFEE?! The Comic-Con this year. "Do you make 100,000 a year before taxes?" The noise I heard at the Memorial Day bikini pageant. The crazy shit I got into Friday night. The even crazier shit I got into the first time I got drunk.
The thing of it was, the oddness was caused not by the time apart, but by the fact the time apart didn't cause any oddness. You can go back and reread that 'cause I swear that makes sense. We didn't really change at our cores is the reason I'd like to think. He said it's because I'm pretty unflappable, and for once that wasn't apathy showing. Time does what it does, but that just gave us story fodder. And Liz, feel grateful: your story is absolute free-drink GOLD. We talked about the advances of technology progressing in our void and I believe I may have sold him a copy of NCAA 05 off of word of mouth. We played that "being back at the high school distorts one's perception of self-age". Other's sentences were finished. To give you a sample of the evening, he gave off a quick Lumbergh bite. I of course recognized it. Then I got to tell the story of how Cristal and I got together.
It was the sort of night where we hung out amicably, pulled to my place at 1 and talked for another hour about everything and nothing.
It was really fucking awesome, and it might not even be 12 days before we're once again hanging out. And outside of the smallest fraction of a connection via PGE it wouldn't've happened. He thought of ESPN, which made him think of me. (Pre-pubescent; all the time I talk about and spend thinking about pussy now was devoted to sports then. Now it's a time-share.) And he happened to find me, and we got along, and to quote young Hova it's back as if we never left.
So if ever I write about this thing being worthless, and/or unseen, point me to this post and clout me one.
His blog's in the ranks. Go say hi.
I mean, worse comes to worse we'll have one hell of a convo in 2017.
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Trouble"
8/1/04
Starfuckers Inc.: August '04
Here's Some Bus Fare:
Sofia Vergara, 10; Gail Kim, 18; Alyssa Milano, 19; Victoria 23
25) Jennifer Garner (debut)
24) Rebecca Romijn (last month 22, peak 22)
23) Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
22) Kitana Baker (debut)
21) Cameron Diaz (24, p9)
20) Kim Smith (20, p20)
19) Maria Menounos (8, p8)
18) Halle Berry (25, 18)
17) Monica Bellucci (re-entry, p17)
16) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, p16)
15) Heidi Klum (21, p10)
14) Carmen Electra (17, p5)
13) Christina Aguilera (13, p6)
12) Josie Maran (16, p12)
11) Beyonce Knowles (11, p4)
10) Vida Guerra (14, p6)
09) Kristanna Loken (15, p9)
08) Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
07) Jamie Pressly (7, p7)
06) Jessica Alba (1, p1)
05) Adriana Lima (6, p3)
04) Lindsay Lohan (3, p3)
03) Trish Stratus (4, p1)
02) Brooke Burke (2, p1)
01) Angelina Jolie (5, p1)
Ambient music: Metallica & the SF Symphony Orchestra's "Master Of Puppets" live
Sofia Vergara, 10; Gail Kim, 18; Alyssa Milano, 19; Victoria 23
25) Jennifer Garner (debut)
24) Rebecca Romijn (last month 22, peak 22)
23) Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
22) Kitana Baker (debut)
21) Cameron Diaz (24, p9)
20) Kim Smith (20, p20)
19) Maria Menounos (8, p8)
18) Halle Berry (25, 18)
17) Monica Bellucci (re-entry, p17)
16) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, p16)
15) Heidi Klum (21, p10)
14) Carmen Electra (17, p5)
13) Christina Aguilera (13, p6)
12) Josie Maran (16, p12)
11) Beyonce Knowles (11, p4)
10) Vida Guerra (14, p6)
09) Kristanna Loken (15, p9)
08) Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
07) Jamie Pressly (7, p7)
06) Jessica Alba (1, p1)
05) Adriana Lima (6, p3)
04) Lindsay Lohan (3, p3)
03) Trish Stratus (4, p1)
02) Brooke Burke (2, p1)
01) Angelina Jolie (5, p1)
Ambient music: Metallica & the SF Symphony Orchestra's "Master Of Puppets" live
7/25/04
the Biggest Con of Them All & the Man With A Satisfied Mind
I told y'all today would be boring in comparison.
Irulan & Alton said goodbye. Jennifer Tilly walked right by me--this time I was smart enough to follow and get shots. See, that's the big thing about me. I don't dodge guilt. And I don't Jew out of comeuppance.
Now let me read my second program (Iyari's not catching me "cheating" on her next year):
To Butch:
There's your name.
Michael Madsen.
P.S. You SUCK, Michael Dupin.
All right, I made up the P.S. but everything else is truth.com. And with that, the Pandora's Box closes for another year. Time for a week of putting my feet up and learning how to fucking kick in NCAA '05. But if these passings and fleeting meetings have taught me anything, it's this:
Michael Keith Dupin = loser.
Ambient music: the Strokes' "Reptilia"
Irulan & Alton said goodbye. Jennifer Tilly walked right by me--this time I was smart enough to follow and get shots. See, that's the big thing about me. I don't dodge guilt. And I don't Jew out of comeuppance.
Now let me read my second program (Iyari's not catching me "cheating" on her next year):
To Butch:
There's your name.
Michael Madsen.
P.S. You SUCK, Michael Dupin.
All right, I made up the P.S. but everything else is truth.com. And with that, the Pandora's Box closes for another year. Time for a week of putting my feet up and learning how to fucking kick in NCAA '05. But if these passings and fleeting meetings have taught me anything, it's this:
Michael Keith Dupin = loser.
Ambient music: the Strokes' "Reptilia"
7/24/04
Biggest Con of th3m All
To answer the big question: no Alba. She was mechalate.
So to the rest of it, and I'll try to go in order so as not to vex my brain much.
So to the rest of it, and I'll try to go in order so as not to vex my brain much.
- Bought my friend Amanda her birthday gifts. It's about as much fun as she'll be able to have without two double-A batteries whoo hoo hoo SNAP. Seriously, I got her a couple nice rarities and hopefully Mouse Ears doesn't get her for it.
- For myself I got a Sopranos-parody Simpons poster for four bucks. I got a couple other things too, but I'll decide which one I'm keeping and what I'm not.
- Allison Mack? LUDICROUSLY hotter in person. Damn you, Smallville. Get this woman a Maxim shoot, STAT.
- Ran into three friends I hadn't seen since I can't even remember when in about the course of an hour. Found out another one's in town. Diane's in trouble. Straight. How dare she come back from Italy without dialing her #1 lover man in her postal district.
- And now, a moment at work that can only happen at Comic-Con:
Me: [looks at people]
Me: [looks at pretty girl for a second]
Outside: [looks nice]
Me: [looks outside]
Escalator: [ejects temporarily lost John Landis]
Me: HOLY FREAKIN SHNIT!
And his wife goes, "That's not a nice thing to say," but then I explain a)No, I kept my work on and didn't actually curse, and, oh, yes, the man directed The Blues Brothers, American Werewolf In London, Trading Places, Coming To America and a little flick called ANIMAL HOUSE so it was meant as a sign of respect above all else. So I help them, and get his Hancock.
Me: (sotto voice) Holy fucking shit.
- After getting most of the Buffy midcard yesterday, I came back for Iyari Limon, who played Kennedy in Season 7. Willow's girl. Met her last year during my break and she was cool folk who smelled like tangerines. Not only that, but it gave me a GREAT thing to lord over Dupin. So I figured, I got everybody else yesterday and Danny again, why not her? Go over on my lunch break, and Robia (Mrs. Calendar) recognizes me and waves. I don't need 50 to tell me I'm a motherfucking P.I.M.P. Did I mention http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/tshirt.php?sku=a318 that's the shirt I'm wearing underneath my work gear? So, after the part where she recognizes me and remembers from last year and signs this year's program, I go for the picture and do the Superman reveal. "Now's the surprise," I say. So I pop it open and everyone in line cracks up, so she leans over (I'm on her right) to see it and cracks up. And then she touched me right below the bow. (That SOUNDS dirty but see the picture) So we're both pointing to the tag and the girl who helped me went "Oh, no, I pushed it twice." Me: Oh, no. Twice. How terrible. Iyari also very impressed with the digicam. In short, I don't know what you heard about me.
- Also, in a sidenote to a Mr. Dupin...hold on, let me turn on my Winamp...hey, Kurt Angle's entrance theme! Well, what the hey. YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! And yes, I am sticking my tongue out at you. Last year, hugging. This year, groping. Next year I best brings some Gatorade. On the other hand, I will be sending you a Christmas card this year. LOSER!
- Best costume of the night: the guy cross-dressing like Marge Simpson
- Irulan & Alton from the Real World: good folks.
So that was today. Tomorrow's Kids Day and outside of Joss Whedon and Jennifer Tilly there's not much for me to get psyched up for outside the possibility Madsen MIGHT show. And then, after that, a week off, quality time with old friends, and of course the Butch-eye view from CC04 so the pics can hit the web.
Be there. Aloha.
Ambient music: Linkin Park's "Faint"
Pocket 10
(10) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out (2)
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)*
(08) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue (6)
(07) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (10)*
(06) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love (7)
(05) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (3)
(04) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (8)*
(03) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (4)*
(02) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (5)*
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1) [2m]
Ambient music: Joan Jett & the Blackhearts covering the Mary Tyler Moore theme
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)*
(08) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue (6)
(07) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (10)*
(06) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love (7)
(05) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (3)
(04) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (8)*
(03) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (4)*
(02) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (5)*
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1) [2m]
Ambient music: Joan Jett & the Blackhearts covering the Mary Tyler Moore theme
7/23/04
Biggest Con of Them All (reprise)
Well, that bitch Meg Hart's scrambled my head for the time being so a lot of the wacky joy's gone.
No Duckshoot at all. Didn't even SEE her this year. Pwamp. No Biel, either. And Madsen Jewed out of comeuppance autograph-wise, and Iyari Limon won't be around until tomorrow.
On the other hand, I got a bunch of Buffy midcarders' autographs all over my work itinerary of the day just like last year: Adam, two-thirds of the Trio (Danny Strong remembers me from last year and I owe him a beer if I see him on the outside), and a couple others.
Special note to Michael Keith Dupin: Ms. Calendar is not only hotter in person, she's gotten hotter since the show got off the air. In additon AAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHA YOU SUCK.
Pictures of these events will also be coming next week, hopes this humble scribe. All of them were quite amazed at the digital camera's tiny goodness, which made me feel synchronously very damn cool and very damn UNcool.
Tomorrow, SMG's in the building. Trishelle possibly giving away lap dances. Iyari & Madsen. Matt Groening. And, of course, Nick Van Exel's twin sister.
Seriously, I will kill that bitch.
Ambient music: Love & Rockets' "So Alive"
No Duckshoot at all. Didn't even SEE her this year. Pwamp. No Biel, either. And Madsen Jewed out of comeuppance autograph-wise, and Iyari Limon won't be around until tomorrow.
On the other hand, I got a bunch of Buffy midcarders' autographs all over my work itinerary of the day just like last year: Adam, two-thirds of the Trio (Danny Strong remembers me from last year and I owe him a beer if I see him on the outside), and a couple others.
Special note to Michael Keith Dupin: Ms. Calendar is not only hotter in person, she's gotten hotter since the show got off the air. In additon AAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHA YOU SUCK.
Pictures of these events will also be coming next week, hopes this humble scribe. All of them were quite amazed at the digital camera's tiny goodness, which made me feel synchronously very damn cool and very damn UNcool.
Tomorrow, SMG's in the building. Trishelle possibly giving away lap dances. Iyari & Madsen. Matt Groening. And, of course, Nick Van Exel's twin sister.
Seriously, I will kill that bitch.
Ambient music: Love & Rockets' "So Alive"
7/22/04
the Biggest Con of Them All
What's about 85,000 deep, running over with freaks, eight blocks long, three floors deep, and ready to get down all night long?
You guessed it--the line behind Paris Hilton. ha ha ha SNAP.
Nope, it's the annual Comic Con. Every July we host the digerati and let the freak flag fly over head as the normally staid and boring SDCC gets overrun with hobbitses, wizards, artisians, and every so often, a girl or two. (Most thought lyrics during the day: All you Trekkies and TV addicts/don't mean to diss don't mean to bring static/all you Klingons living in your grandma's house/grab your backstreet friend and get loud)
People who read the-then ASCTR at this time last year know it is my favorite convention to come by during the course of a year. I'd rather be continually amused than drifting off to Byzantium and at the most boring times, you can watch the Storm Troopers or Ghostbusters getting interviewed by a local female news anchor whose off-camera face clearly says "I obviously need to work on giving better head."
During more intensive moments, you're too busy to worry about how slow time is going, and sometimes you even manage to get a little flirt on.
And, every so often, you get to see, meet, get an autograph from, and a picture with Kitana Baker. So that was a fun highlight today. Worked a little overtime, which I'm fine with because I'm off next week. But, c'mon, how often do you get a Playmate just walking up to your door at work? Got to looooooooove the ComicCon. Kinda sad I missed "Bubba Ho-Tep" in a community environment, though.
Tomorrow on the Heath Ledger, Keanu Reeves is showing up. In news that matters to ME and ergo you, Iyari Limon's coming back, Michael "Thanks, I Can Never Listen To Stealers Wheel Again" Madsen's due to pop in, Jessica Biel, and what I am sure to be a sign of reciprocation after getting royally assfucked on this front a year ago, ELIZA DUSHKU.
Have I mentioned Jessica Alba's coming Saturday? Once or twice? HM? 'Cause she is.
I'm so tempted to hang around after my shift ends tomorrow night and see if I see any Harley Quinns or Frodos dancing in the clubs...
Ambient music: Weezer's "Say It Ain't So"
You guessed it--the line behind Paris Hilton. ha ha ha SNAP.
Nope, it's the annual Comic Con. Every July we host the digerati and let the freak flag fly over head as the normally staid and boring SDCC gets overrun with hobbitses, wizards, artisians, and every so often, a girl or two. (Most thought lyrics during the day: All you Trekkies and TV addicts/don't mean to diss don't mean to bring static/all you Klingons living in your grandma's house/grab your backstreet friend and get loud)
People who read the-then ASCTR at this time last year know it is my favorite convention to come by during the course of a year. I'd rather be continually amused than drifting off to Byzantium and at the most boring times, you can watch the Storm Troopers or Ghostbusters getting interviewed by a local female news anchor whose off-camera face clearly says "I obviously need to work on giving better head."
During more intensive moments, you're too busy to worry about how slow time is going, and sometimes you even manage to get a little flirt on.
And, every so often, you get to see, meet, get an autograph from, and a picture with Kitana Baker. So that was a fun highlight today. Worked a little overtime, which I'm fine with because I'm off next week. But, c'mon, how often do you get a Playmate just walking up to your door at work? Got to looooooooove the ComicCon. Kinda sad I missed "Bubba Ho-Tep" in a community environment, though.
Tomorrow on the Heath Ledger, Keanu Reeves is showing up. In news that matters to ME and ergo you, Iyari Limon's coming back, Michael "Thanks, I Can Never Listen To Stealers Wheel Again" Madsen's due to pop in, Jessica Biel, and what I am sure to be a sign of reciprocation after getting royally assfucked on this front a year ago, ELIZA DUSHKU.
Have I mentioned Jessica Alba's coming Saturday? Once or twice? HM? 'Cause she is.
I'm so tempted to hang around after my shift ends tomorrow night and see if I see any Harley Quinns or Frodos dancing in the clubs...
Ambient music: Weezer's "Say It Ain't So"
7/21/04
The Ridicuously Large ID Card
LAYER ONE:
Name: Butch
Birth date: 9 February 1979
Birth place: Pittsburgh
Current location: North Tijuana
Eye color: brown
Hair color: black
Height: almost 5'8". At least that's what it was the last time I checked.
Righty or lefty: SINISTER~!
Zodiac sign: Aquarium
LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: pigmentally advantaged-American
Your weakness: Swiss Cake rolls, peanut butter cups, hot brunettes
Your fears: heights, dying alone, needles
Your perfect pizza: deep dish, covered in pepperonis and mushrooms, and partially in Jessica Alba's mouth
Goals you'd like to achieve: author, filthy stinking rich, the boring-ass cliched American Dream. But with a pet snake.
LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on IM: [angry face emoticon]
Your first thoughts waking up: Bah.
Your best physical feature: If anyone who's seen me can answer this for me in the comments...
Your most missed memory: The few times I had fun in high school that mostly got eaten alive by the Prom Incident
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi on this side of the border
McDonalds or Burger King: PANDA EXPRESS. That orange chicken is laced with nicotine or something...
Single or group dates: Single. Prefer the man-to-man D.
Adidas or Nike: Nike, with the exception of Chuck Taylor. And I guess my Phat Farms.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Iced tea can lick my hairy beanbag.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
Cappucino or Hot Coffee: no.
LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nah
Cuss: like a motherfucker
Sing: a lot
Take a shower everyday: Yeah. Off days I plan to sit on my ass I half-ass it, but it still counts dammit!
Do you think you've ever been in love: I know I have.
Want to go to college: I almost want to finish
Like high school: I could count the good times on one hand. Possibly deformed, too.
Want to get married: I am flipping and flopping on this issue. Right now...sure, what the hell.
Believe in yourself: When the booze is working, am I right or amIright?!
Get motion sickness: Not I
Think you're attractive: Not really.
Think you're a health freak: I'm sorry, I was busy drowning this steak in A1. What?
Get along with your parents: Generally. But then again I avoid them a lot.
Like thunderstorms: I wouldn't say I like them. They amuse me.
Play an instrument: I should've learned to play the geetar. I should've learned to play them drums.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: lemme hear a "Hell, yeah!"
Done a drug: Nope
Made out: No
Gone on a date: No. Met some cool girls in the course of being a semi-barfly, though. And there's the whole shadow of my ex and whatnot. But that's another story for another time.
Gone to the mall: Yeah. And I feared and respected the escalator.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Someday.
Eaten sushi: Nope.
Been on stage: Negatory
Gone skating: NO.
Made homemade cookies: Pffffft.
Gone skinny dipping: No. I can barely DIP, I don't need to push my luck in that department.
Dyed your hair: Nuh-uh
Stolen anything: I was out of some places like I stole something heh heh heh. I don't have to fucking impress you.
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
If so, was it mixed company: Yeah
Been trashed or completely intoxicated: A bunch of times!
Been caught "doing something": I refuse to answer this question until the judges define "something"
Been called a tease: No. And attractive women, I'm a borderline slut.
Gotten beaten up: Not for a few years.
Shoplifted: No
Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no. People changed to fit in around ME.
LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Got me. Just don't want to be The Old Guy in the Club, as Rock would say.
Numbers and names of children: Hey, here's an idea--instead of pressing me for family shit, how about you hook me up with a good woman? All you do is sit there and ask me questions, and what do I get in return? JACK! That's what I get. You lazy shiftless bastard, if you were real I'd kick your ass for being a clownshoe.
How do you want to die: I don't.
What do you most want to be when you grow up: A writer who's living comfortably by the Pacific.
What country would you most like to visit: Canada.
One word to describe yourself: dichotomy
LAYER NINE:
What do you look for in the opposite sex: See, that's more like it. Sense of humor, brains without having to show off, opinions without having to force them or cave to others, good disposition. Also, my heart hates uggos. Sorry, but I went without for too long and I've got to make the time up. Don't worry, I think Janeane Garafolo's hot so my spectrum of babeosity's a little wider than what Madison Avenue chucks at me (and I also accept, 'cause, you know).
Best eye color: WTF I care? They could be GLASS.
Best hair color: I'd prefer black, but it could be blonde. And I'm wondering if the redhead rumors are true. In short, have some. Or a clean scalp in lieu of that.
Short or long hair?: In my mind's eye it's long but most of the previous have short. DICHOTOMY.
Best height?: Don't care, but I will say a girl MUCH taller than me could lead to issues. If she's willing to bend a lot, I'm willing to tough it out. Oh, that's real funny, asshole. You sicken me.
Best weight: I don't want anybody nicknamed Eclipse. Homer's Rule.
Best articles of clothing: This has nothing to do with anything but ever since that one episode of Boy Meets World I've wanted a beautiful woman to wear a jersey with skimpy panties underneath. You're right, I'm sick, I need help.
Best first date location: Depends on what she's into. I would love to go to a karaoke bar and just go nuts, though. Hard to believe I'm single, huh?
Best first kiss location: It happens where it happens. Just a natural extension of the other stuff snowballing. I'll be smarky and say Hawaii.
LAYER TEN:
Number of people I could trust with my life: outside the family, three.
Number of CD's I own: around 60, now
Number of piercings: <>
Number of tattoos: <>
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: none, unless you count the ones I worked on.
Number of scars on my body: a bunch
Number of things in my past I regret: I'd take a handful of stuff to keep and press a reset button if I could
Ambient music: the Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man"
Name: Butch
Birth date: 9 February 1979
Birth place: Pittsburgh
Current location: North Tijuana
Eye color: brown
Hair color: black
Height: almost 5'8". At least that's what it was the last time I checked.
Righty or lefty: SINISTER~!
Zodiac sign: Aquarium
LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: pigmentally advantaged-American
Your weakness: Swiss Cake rolls, peanut butter cups, hot brunettes
Your fears: heights, dying alone, needles
Your perfect pizza: deep dish, covered in pepperonis and mushrooms, and partially in Jessica Alba's mouth
Goals you'd like to achieve: author, filthy stinking rich, the boring-ass cliched American Dream. But with a pet snake.
LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on IM: [angry face emoticon]
Your first thoughts waking up: Bah.
Your best physical feature: If anyone who's seen me can answer this for me in the comments...
Your most missed memory: The few times I had fun in high school that mostly got eaten alive by the Prom Incident
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi on this side of the border
McDonalds or Burger King: PANDA EXPRESS. That orange chicken is laced with nicotine or something...
Single or group dates: Single. Prefer the man-to-man D.
Adidas or Nike: Nike, with the exception of Chuck Taylor. And I guess my Phat Farms.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Iced tea can lick my hairy beanbag.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
Cappucino or Hot Coffee: no.
LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nah
Cuss: like a motherfucker
Sing: a lot
Take a shower everyday: Yeah. Off days I plan to sit on my ass I half-ass it, but it still counts dammit!
Do you think you've ever been in love: I know I have.
Want to go to college: I almost want to finish
Like high school: I could count the good times on one hand. Possibly deformed, too.
Want to get married: I am flipping and flopping on this issue. Right now...sure, what the hell.
Believe in yourself: When the booze is working, am I right or amIright?!
Get motion sickness: Not I
Think you're attractive: Not really.
Think you're a health freak: I'm sorry, I was busy drowning this steak in A1. What?
Get along with your parents: Generally. But then again I avoid them a lot.
Like thunderstorms: I wouldn't say I like them. They amuse me.
Play an instrument: I should've learned to play the geetar. I should've learned to play them drums.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: lemme hear a "Hell, yeah!"
Done a drug: Nope
Made out: No
Gone on a date: No. Met some cool girls in the course of being a semi-barfly, though. And there's the whole shadow of my ex and whatnot. But that's another story for another time.
Gone to the mall: Yeah. And I feared and respected the escalator.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Someday.
Eaten sushi: Nope.
Been on stage: Negatory
Gone skating: NO.
Made homemade cookies: Pffffft.
Gone skinny dipping: No. I can barely DIP, I don't need to push my luck in that department.
Dyed your hair: Nuh-uh
Stolen anything: I was out of some places like I stole something heh heh heh. I don't have to fucking impress you.
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
If so, was it mixed company: Yeah
Been trashed or completely intoxicated: A bunch of times!
Been caught "doing something": I refuse to answer this question until the judges define "something"
Been called a tease: No. And attractive women, I'm a borderline slut.
Gotten beaten up: Not for a few years.
Shoplifted: No
Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no. People changed to fit in around ME.
LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Got me. Just don't want to be The Old Guy in the Club, as Rock would say.
Numbers and names of children: Hey, here's an idea--instead of pressing me for family shit, how about you hook me up with a good woman? All you do is sit there and ask me questions, and what do I get in return? JACK! That's what I get. You lazy shiftless bastard, if you were real I'd kick your ass for being a clownshoe.
How do you want to die: I don't.
What do you most want to be when you grow up: A writer who's living comfortably by the Pacific.
What country would you most like to visit: Canada.
One word to describe yourself: dichotomy
LAYER NINE:
What do you look for in the opposite sex: See, that's more like it. Sense of humor, brains without having to show off, opinions without having to force them or cave to others, good disposition. Also, my heart hates uggos. Sorry, but I went without for too long and I've got to make the time up. Don't worry, I think Janeane Garafolo's hot so my spectrum of babeosity's a little wider than what Madison Avenue chucks at me (and I also accept, 'cause, you know).
Best eye color: WTF I care? They could be GLASS.
Best hair color: I'd prefer black, but it could be blonde. And I'm wondering if the redhead rumors are true. In short, have some. Or a clean scalp in lieu of that.
Short or long hair?: In my mind's eye it's long but most of the previous have short. DICHOTOMY.
Best height?: Don't care, but I will say a girl MUCH taller than me could lead to issues. If she's willing to bend a lot, I'm willing to tough it out. Oh, that's real funny, asshole. You sicken me.
Best weight: I don't want anybody nicknamed Eclipse. Homer's Rule.
Best articles of clothing: This has nothing to do with anything but ever since that one episode of Boy Meets World I've wanted a beautiful woman to wear a jersey with skimpy panties underneath. You're right, I'm sick, I need help.
Best first date location: Depends on what she's into. I would love to go to a karaoke bar and just go nuts, though. Hard to believe I'm single, huh?
Best first kiss location: It happens where it happens. Just a natural extension of the other stuff snowballing. I'll be smarky and say Hawaii.
LAYER TEN:
Number of people I could trust with my life: outside the family, three.
Number of CD's I own: around 60, now
Number of piercings: <>
Number of tattoos: <>
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: none, unless you count the ones I worked on.
Number of scars on my body: a bunch
Number of things in my past I regret: I'd take a handful of stuff to keep and press a reset button if I could
Ambient music: the Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man"
7/18/04
Swept Away
Fuck tonight's games: 112, 99, 122 and lost the last two by three each. TEN NINES in the thirty frames. TEN! AND four splits to boot.
About the only positive I find is the average keeps going up, and out of the three games that didn't hit the triple digits, two of them are 99s.
Ambient music: D12's "Fight Music"
About the only positive I find is the average keeps going up, and out of the three games that didn't hit the triple digits, two of them are 99s.
Ambient music: D12's "Fight Music"
7/14/04
DADDY NEEDS A CALMATIVE
To quote NASA after Neil Armstrong touched down on the lunar surface for the first time in August 1969: holy SHIT.
7/24/03
2:00-3:00
Dimension Films: Sin City
Comic-Con attendees will be treated to an exclusive panel on Sin City, a feature film based on the series of comic books and graphic novels created, written, and illustrated by Frank Miller. Sin City is a series of stories of vengeance and redemption set in the grimiest, toughest city in the world. The film will incorporate storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including Sin City, which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series as well as That Yellow Bastard and The Big Fat Kill. Confirmed guests include Frank Miller, director Robert Rodriguez, and cast members Jessica Alba, Jamie King and Rosario Dawson.
If I meet Jessica Alba, it's OVER. You understand me? O V E R. I don't know if I mean my heart or the best part of my life but oh vee ay heche O V A H. Maybe I need to get back into praying...
Ambient music: Madness' "One Step Beyond"
7/24/03
2:00-3:00
Dimension Films: Sin City
Comic-Con attendees will be treated to an exclusive panel on Sin City, a feature film based on the series of comic books and graphic novels created, written, and illustrated by Frank Miller. Sin City is a series of stories of vengeance and redemption set in the grimiest, toughest city in the world. The film will incorporate storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including Sin City, which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series as well as That Yellow Bastard and The Big Fat Kill. Confirmed guests include Frank Miller, director Robert Rodriguez, and cast members Jessica Alba, Jamie King and Rosario Dawson.
If I meet Jessica Alba, it's OVER. You understand me? O V E R. I don't know if I mean my heart or the best part of my life but oh vee ay heche O V A H. Maybe I need to get back into praying...
Ambient music: Madness' "One Step Beyond"
7/10/04
Pocket 10
Past tense: "Roses", 5; "Growing On Me", 6; "Blow It Out Your Ass", 7; "All Falls Down", 9; "My Band", 10
(10) Modest Mouse ==> Float On [debut]
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute [debut]
(08) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks [debut]
(07) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love [8]*
(06) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue [4]
(05) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded [debut]
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion [debut]
(03) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out [3]*
(02) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out [2]
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems [1, 6w]
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses", live
(10) Modest Mouse ==> Float On [debut]
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute [debut]
(08) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks [debut]
(07) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love [8]*
(06) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue [4]
(05) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded [debut]
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion [debut]
(03) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out [3]*
(02) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out [2]
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems [1, 6w]
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses", live
7/9/04
The New Million Dollar Man?
10k before the first commercial. That's like the dream I have where I open the door and it's Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie's limo broke down on the way to the blowjob contest but since the tow trucks are on strike they have to use me as a warmup judge.
52k for the day.
28 days.
$920,960.
Ken Jennings, Man of the Half-Year.
Ambient music: Eminem's "Lose Yourself"
52k for the day.
28 days.
$920,960.
Ken Jennings, Man of the Half-Year.
Ambient music: Eminem's "Lose Yourself"
7/6/04
Breaking the Circle
So, Edwards got VP, and I'm watching Network, so that's the quote you get until Dumbass gets voted off the island in November.
Just go to the polls.
You ought to be mad as hell, and you shouldn't take this anymore.
Just go to the polls.
You ought to be mad as hell, and you shouldn't take this anymore.
7/5/04
Blast You, Music Industry and/or Clubbing!
I can see it before the summer really even gets going: that "Culo"/"Move Ya Body" beat is going to become my If it weren't for my horse.... Oh, sure, I THINK I'm tapping out a blog entry but in my mind it's DUN dundun DUN dundun DUN dundun (optional drunken yell of CULO!)
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Ambient music: the Jets' "You Got It All"
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Ambient music: the Jets' "You Got It All"
7/3/04
A Brief Demonstration Of Why Everyone Should Buy Glued to the Set
I am watching a bit of the Wimbledon this morning. Maria Sharapova hits a shot that may or may not be legal. Instant replay comes up. Who do I have to thank for this? Some button-pusher in New York? A camerman in London?
Of course not.
It's all thanks to JFK getting his head put in El Paso.
Let me explain.
JFK gets shot. Putting aside the conspiracy theories and all of that, Lee Harvey Oswald shoots him. LHO gets to be a celebrity, in much the way I get to use "to impress Jodie Foster" as a running joke for why I do things. So the media would like an explanation, even when Oswald doesn't say anything. It's pre-CNN--a lot of buildup waiting for actual news.
And then they make actual news (inadvertantly (?)) happen.
Enough pressure is put on the now-harried Dallas P.D. to let them have more access to cover Oswald, in the hopes he'll say something. So they change the time of his being moved. It's in a hallway. All three networks are covering it, though only NBC is doing so live.
Now check this shit: because all this craziness happens, it allows some guy, and since this is America we'll give him a homogonous name like Jack--to shoot Oswald. LIVE. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Needless to say...well, hell, and I quote:
Thus television changed history twice on that day--first by literally setting up Ruby with his opportunity, and then providing America with its first dramatic, watch-it-as-it-happens national news event. From Ruby's bullet, to CNN in Baghdad, to O.J.'s Bronco case, the news would never be the same as it sought to capture--and sometimes create--similar events.
SO, once that happens, NBC & CBS have fucked up. Can't interview Oswald--dead. Can't interview Ruby--interrogated. So you know what they did, since all the networks were enjoying rare incest due to the assassination?
They got copies of the shooting from NBC.
And ran them for hours straight. With people to comment on it, and observe from the outside despite having not been there. Sound familiar?
That's about a chapter out of 60 in GttS. And seeing as we all watch TV like good consumerist Americans, you need to read this book. Why should we credit Rod Serling to be the first man to "keep it real"? How the hell did Bob Newhart stay on the air seemingly forever? How come the Cosby Show seems played and yet episodes of Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke seem to have that burp that locked in freshness? GttS knows, and it's worth whatever Amazon'll dock you to find out.
Ambient music: Ozzy's "Crazy Train"
Of course not.
It's all thanks to JFK getting his head put in El Paso.
Let me explain.
JFK gets shot. Putting aside the conspiracy theories and all of that, Lee Harvey Oswald shoots him. LHO gets to be a celebrity, in much the way I get to use "to impress Jodie Foster" as a running joke for why I do things. So the media would like an explanation, even when Oswald doesn't say anything. It's pre-CNN--a lot of buildup waiting for actual news.
And then they make actual news (inadvertantly (?)) happen.
Enough pressure is put on the now-harried Dallas P.D. to let them have more access to cover Oswald, in the hopes he'll say something. So they change the time of his being moved. It's in a hallway. All three networks are covering it, though only NBC is doing so live.
Now check this shit: because all this craziness happens, it allows some guy, and since this is America we'll give him a homogonous name like Jack--to shoot Oswald. LIVE. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Needless to say...well, hell, and I quote:
Thus television changed history twice on that day--first by literally setting up Ruby with his opportunity, and then providing America with its first dramatic, watch-it-as-it-happens national news event. From Ruby's bullet, to CNN in Baghdad, to O.J.'s Bronco case, the news would never be the same as it sought to capture--and sometimes create--similar events.
SO, once that happens, NBC & CBS have fucked up. Can't interview Oswald--dead. Can't interview Ruby--interrogated. So you know what they did, since all the networks were enjoying rare incest due to the assassination?
They got copies of the shooting from NBC.
And ran them for hours straight. With people to comment on it, and observe from the outside despite having not been there. Sound familiar?
That's about a chapter out of 60 in GttS. And seeing as we all watch TV like good consumerist Americans, you need to read this book. Why should we credit Rod Serling to be the first man to "keep it real"? How the hell did Bob Newhart stay on the air seemingly forever? How come the Cosby Show seems played and yet episodes of Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke seem to have that burp that locked in freshness? GttS knows, and it's worth whatever Amazon'll dock you to find out.
Ambient music: Ozzy's "Crazy Train"
7/2/04
What Is Bad-Ass Motherfucker For $737,000?
So I finally saw this Ken dude on the Jeopardy tonight and he is what they in the hood (where I'm from) call THE TRUTH, SON.
He got $10k in the opening round. IN THE OPENING ROUND! If Jesus came back to Earth and got on Jeopardy He would be lucky if he came out with $7,500. He blew a couple and when a woman closed within 4g he got the last 11 to close out Double Jeopardy. The board, if memory serves me correctly, holds only 30 spaces.
22 DAYS IN A ROW. I want to see some blood come out of him. I think he's a cyborg. Can we just lock him in a room and make him some sort of oracle who solves all our Pressing Issues and whatnot? Can he be our new Jebus? I bet he'd only take 3 days.
Seriously, if it comes on Monday, invest half an hour in Jeopardy and watch him work. It's like some Jordan jumper Biggie rhyming Picasso painting shit when he's on. To quote a wise Sicilian, inconCEIVable!
Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Someday I Suppose"
He got $10k in the opening round. IN THE OPENING ROUND! If Jesus came back to Earth and got on Jeopardy He would be lucky if he came out with $7,500. He blew a couple and when a woman closed within 4g he got the last 11 to close out Double Jeopardy. The board, if memory serves me correctly, holds only 30 spaces.
22 DAYS IN A ROW. I want to see some blood come out of him. I think he's a cyborg. Can we just lock him in a room and make him some sort of oracle who solves all our Pressing Issues and whatnot? Can he be our new Jebus? I bet he'd only take 3 days.
Seriously, if it comes on Monday, invest half an hour in Jeopardy and watch him work. It's like some Jordan jumper Biggie rhyming Picasso painting shit when he's on. To quote a wise Sicilian, inconCEIVable!
Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Someday I Suppose"
7/1/04
Starfuckers, Inc: July '04
This Is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You:
Britney Spears (20), Monica Bellucci (22), Rachel Bilson (24), Gabrielle Union (25)
25. Halle Berry (18, p18)
24. Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
23. Victoria (7, p7)
22. Rebecca Romijn (debut)
21. Heidi Klum (17, p10)
20. Kim Smith (re-entry, p20)
19. Alyssa Milano (23, p12)
18. Gail Kim (18, p18)
17. Carmen Electra (19, p5)
16. Josie Maran (14, p13)
15. Kristanna Loken (16, p11)
14. Vida Guerra (re-entry, p6)
13. Christina Aguilera (15, p6)
12. Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
11. Beyonce Knowles (8, p4)
10. Sofia Vergara (10, p8)
09. Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08. Maria Menounos (13, p8)
07. Jamie Pressly (11, p7)
06. Adriana Lima (5, p5)
05. Angelina Jolie (3, p3)
04. Trish Stratus (4, p1)
03. Lindsay Lohan (6, p3)
02. Brooke Burke (1, p1)
01. Jessica Alba (2)
Ambient music: the Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"
Britney Spears (20), Monica Bellucci (22), Rachel Bilson (24), Gabrielle Union (25)
25. Halle Berry (18, p18)
24. Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
23. Victoria (7, p7)
22. Rebecca Romijn (debut)
21. Heidi Klum (17, p10)
20. Kim Smith (re-entry, p20)
19. Alyssa Milano (23, p12)
18. Gail Kim (18, p18)
17. Carmen Electra (19, p5)
16. Josie Maran (14, p13)
15. Kristanna Loken (16, p11)
14. Vida Guerra (re-entry, p6)
13. Christina Aguilera (15, p6)
12. Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
11. Beyonce Knowles (8, p4)
10. Sofia Vergara (10, p8)
09. Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08. Maria Menounos (13, p8)
07. Jamie Pressly (11, p7)
06. Adriana Lima (5, p5)
05. Angelina Jolie (3, p3)
04. Trish Stratus (4, p1)
03. Lindsay Lohan (6, p3)
02. Brooke Burke (1, p1)
01. Jessica Alba (2)
Ambient music: the Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"
6/30/04
State of Disorientation Address
WHOO I GOTS A WEEK OFF! Last year, I was working the 40th anniversary Narcotics Anonymous from 5 pm to 2 am so I'm damn grateful for this. I do believe a partAy or 3 is imminent.
You know what? Something ASCTR just...isn't doing it for me no more. Should I change the name? And to what?
(Already rejected: Rosserheit 2/79)
Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"
You know what? Something ASCTR just...isn't doing it for me no more. Should I change the name? And to what?
(Already rejected: Rosserheit 2/79)
Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"
6/25/04
From the Home Office In Two Months And We're Outta Here
Second verse, same as the first...
[10] D12 => My Band (7)
[09] Kanye West => All Falls Down (5)
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (8)*
[07] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (6)
[06] the Darkness => Growing On Me (10)*
[05] Outkast => Roses (4)
[04] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)
[03] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (9)**
[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (2)*
[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (1) [1m]
Ambient music: the Wallflowers' "Sixth Avenue Heartache"
[10] D12 => My Band (7)
[09] Kanye West => All Falls Down (5)
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (8)*
[07] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (6)
[06] the Darkness => Growing On Me (10)*
[05] Outkast => Roses (4)
[04] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)
[03] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (9)**
[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (2)*
[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (1) [1m]
Ambient music: the Wallflowers' "Sixth Avenue Heartache"
6/21/04
Catch You On The Flip Side, Dudemeisters
They're fumigating the joint, which means I won't be back until Thursday night.
The Palahaniuk book was ****, Bochco was the full monty. It's hard to read something really good while you try to do a novel of your own, but I think you need to get knocked on your ass by the goodness of something in order to fuel your desire to do something whatever percentile as good as that.
Jesus Smirked is back from the 30-day DL and huntpecking along towards the big reveal press conference, at which point I stupidly expect the thing to half-write itself.
Changed the countdown accordingly.
Tip your veal, try your waitress, and when I leave come together like buttcheeks.
Ambient music: Sex Pistols' "God Save The Queen"
The Palahaniuk book was ****, Bochco was the full monty. It's hard to read something really good while you try to do a novel of your own, but I think you need to get knocked on your ass by the goodness of something in order to fuel your desire to do something whatever percentile as good as that.
Jesus Smirked is back from the 30-day DL and huntpecking along towards the big reveal press conference, at which point I stupidly expect the thing to half-write itself.
Changed the countdown accordingly.
Tip your veal, try your waitress, and when I leave come together like buttcheeks.
Ambient music: Sex Pistols' "God Save The Queen"
6/15/04
This Is the Running First Anniversary Noise That Keeps Me Awake
==> Goddamn, I hate me some computer right now. Ever since late last week, every time I've been on this thing has been an experience of building character. That's adult for fucking sucks. Riddled with problems, shit just quitting on me in mid-use. I've ran Spybot but that doesn't seem to be stopping things from sneaking into Program Files and whatnot. All the stuff in the CTL+ALT+DEL menu hasn't responded since 2002 right now. *sigh*
=> Nothing says a year of work like five straight days off.
=> Screw you, Randy Orton! I had that same front on my Keith Scott Zimmerman MARK ADVISORY EXPLICIT WORKRATE shirt last summer! On the other hand, I am all about the newest installment of shirt-wearing Mattitude.
=> Evolution was hilarious last night. Batista giving Eugene the thumbs-up just killed me for some reason. Ric Flair greets new friends the way I greet new friends! The Pedigree tease was perfectly done, too.
=> How come one of the major networks (by which I mean whoever's in 3rd) hasn't adopted the "start part of the new season in the summer" tactic to get new viewers?
=> The passing of Ralph Wiley was highly depressing, as I looked up to him as a unique voice with his own style who was knowledgeable about a subject but in a way you didn't have to be a diehard to follow along. Maybe just because I wanted to do what he did, but still. Condolences to all affected by him and especially his family.
=> This half-segues into my hatred for the healthy lifestyle. He ran a lot, seemed to be in perfect shape, had been on a radio show a day earlier, boom! Heart attack! And he was 53. Look, not to get too exisistential in what has become the playground of my mind, but if you're going to die, you're going to die, and getting bread-less hamburgers and half-assed Ben & Jerry's isn't going to do shit to stop it. Like Emeril says, "Life's too short to drink bad wine."
=> Kate Beckinsale is SO underrated.
---------------------------------------
=> I think we just had an earthquake. Everything was moving around a little for 15 seconds and then just stopped. Weird. First quake I haven't slept through and I've been out here since I was forming coherent thought.
=> The Reno 911 commericals own you, and you motherbitches know the ones I'm talking about.
=> Nobody else'll say it? I will: "I'm Rick James, bitch.": The Movie has the potential to be this generation's This Is Spinal Tap.
=> If you don't like the big-ass peanut butter cups, I don't know ya.
---------------------------------------
=> Watching Season 7 Buffy, I can only think one thing: heh, Kennedy smells like tangerines.
=> And I'm off to Tijuana! If the Lakers win, a fesitve sombrero. Should they lose, my body weight in Corona. Back later, vatos...
----------------------------------------
=> Damn, Mexico rules.
=> I took a few pictures and now hopefully I can upload the digicam software properly. Just a few boring shots of Yes The Border Is 10 Minutes From Home. But still!
=> Let me tell you what rules about Mexico: the conversion rate. 11 pesos to the buck. So I got to see Harry Potter for $5 at 7:30 at night. It ruled. (Innovative deux ex machina that actually made sense. Plus, Hermoine is going to be the New Hotness in '08. Ya heard.) I got popcorn for $2.50--a big ass thing I couldn't even finish--and the guy working the counter wanted to know where I got my bomb-ass Stewie Griffin VICTORY IS MINE jacket. Then, I got 12 bottles of the sweet nectar known as a bottled Mexican Coca-Cola...
...for $4.32. THIRTY FIVE DAMN CENTS A BOTTLE! I can't even buy a freaking newspaper anymore for 35 but I got sweet, sweet sodas! And they were selling rifles in the damn aisle! RIFLES! Unbelievable. Oh, and I got hassled coming back from the border, due to my notorious coyote days. But THIRTY FIVE CENTS! DAMN!
=> In regards to Game 5, :(
So, there it was, the anniversary. Later days.
Ambient music: Domino's "Sweet Potato Pie"
=> Nothing says a year of work like five straight days off.
=> Screw you, Randy Orton! I had that same front on my Keith Scott Zimmerman MARK ADVISORY EXPLICIT WORKRATE shirt last summer! On the other hand, I am all about the newest installment of shirt-wearing Mattitude.
=> Evolution was hilarious last night. Batista giving Eugene the thumbs-up just killed me for some reason. Ric Flair greets new friends the way I greet new friends! The Pedigree tease was perfectly done, too.
=> How come one of the major networks (by which I mean whoever's in 3rd) hasn't adopted the "start part of the new season in the summer" tactic to get new viewers?
=> The passing of Ralph Wiley was highly depressing, as I looked up to him as a unique voice with his own style who was knowledgeable about a subject but in a way you didn't have to be a diehard to follow along. Maybe just because I wanted to do what he did, but still. Condolences to all affected by him and especially his family.
=> This half-segues into my hatred for the healthy lifestyle. He ran a lot, seemed to be in perfect shape, had been on a radio show a day earlier, boom! Heart attack! And he was 53. Look, not to get too exisistential in what has become the playground of my mind, but if you're going to die, you're going to die, and getting bread-less hamburgers and half-assed Ben & Jerry's isn't going to do shit to stop it. Like Emeril says, "Life's too short to drink bad wine."
=> Kate Beckinsale is SO underrated.
---------------------------------------
=> I think we just had an earthquake. Everything was moving around a little for 15 seconds and then just stopped. Weird. First quake I haven't slept through and I've been out here since I was forming coherent thought.
=> The Reno 911 commericals own you, and you motherbitches know the ones I'm talking about.
=> Nobody else'll say it? I will: "I'm Rick James, bitch.": The Movie has the potential to be this generation's This Is Spinal Tap.
=> If you don't like the big-ass peanut butter cups, I don't know ya.
---------------------------------------
=> Watching Season 7 Buffy, I can only think one thing: heh, Kennedy smells like tangerines.
=> And I'm off to Tijuana! If the Lakers win, a fesitve sombrero. Should they lose, my body weight in Corona. Back later, vatos...
----------------------------------------
=> Damn, Mexico rules.
=> I took a few pictures and now hopefully I can upload the digicam software properly. Just a few boring shots of Yes The Border Is 10 Minutes From Home. But still!
=> Let me tell you what rules about Mexico: the conversion rate. 11 pesos to the buck. So I got to see Harry Potter for $5 at 7:30 at night. It ruled. (Innovative deux ex machina that actually made sense. Plus, Hermoine is going to be the New Hotness in '08. Ya heard.) I got popcorn for $2.50--a big ass thing I couldn't even finish--and the guy working the counter wanted to know where I got my bomb-ass Stewie Griffin VICTORY IS MINE jacket. Then, I got 12 bottles of the sweet nectar known as a bottled Mexican Coca-Cola...
...for $4.32. THIRTY FIVE DAMN CENTS A BOTTLE! I can't even buy a freaking newspaper anymore for 35 but I got sweet, sweet sodas! And they were selling rifles in the damn aisle! RIFLES! Unbelievable. Oh, and I got hassled coming back from the border, due to my notorious coyote days. But THIRTY FIVE CENTS! DAMN!
=> In regards to Game 5, :(
So, there it was, the anniversary. Later days.
Ambient music: Domino's "Sweet Potato Pie"
6/13/04
Bill Murray would be proud. Kingpin Bill, not Garfield Bill.
That's right, motherbitches, another bowling update du jour:
106, 138, 107, 101.
The roll is still on, but let me delve into that opening 106 a little more.
I went with a couple friends from work, and it's the tenth frame and I'm down almost 20. I've had a bad game by the new standards and my friend Aaron's up. So, I go through my routine (which will stay TOP SECRET without payment), and fire.
Strike.
I feel good.
I lock the gun up again, aim, fire.
And suddenly I feel a wave of something that's not nausea, right as the pins at the end of the lane go down in a heap as if struck by a sky blue wrecking ball. And the girls are hooting, and he's looking nervous, and Oliver Sudden I know I have his lunch money. "Are you ready?" I ask him. "Are you ready to call me Vin Diesel?" He's shaking his head.
Back at it.
Release.
Rotation.
Splash.
X.
X.
X.
That's right, your friendly local neighborhood Negro came from behind to win a game with three strikes in the 10th. Bow. HARD.
Ambient music: Green Day's cover of "Tired Of Waiting For You"
106, 138, 107, 101.
The roll is still on, but let me delve into that opening 106 a little more.
I went with a couple friends from work, and it's the tenth frame and I'm down almost 20. I've had a bad game by the new standards and my friend Aaron's up. So, I go through my routine (which will stay TOP SECRET without payment), and fire.
Strike.
I feel good.
I lock the gun up again, aim, fire.
And suddenly I feel a wave of something that's not nausea, right as the pins at the end of the lane go down in a heap as if struck by a sky blue wrecking ball. And the girls are hooting, and he's looking nervous, and Oliver Sudden I know I have his lunch money. "Are you ready?" I ask him. "Are you ready to call me Vin Diesel?" He's shaking his head.
Back at it.
Release.
Rotation.
Splash.
X.
X.
X.
That's right, your friendly local neighborhood Negro came from behind to win a game with three strikes in the 10th. Bow. HARD.
Ambient music: Green Day's cover of "Tired Of Waiting For You"
6/11/04
From the Secret Office A Court-Ordered 51 Feet Away At All Times (bastards)
Past tense: "Naughty Girl", 8; "Leave (Get Out)", 10
[10] the Darkness => Growing On Me (debut)*
[09] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (debut)*
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (9)*
[07] D12 => My Band (5)
[06] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (7)*
[05] Kanye West => All Falls Down (4)
[04] Outkast => Roses (1)
[03] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)
[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (6)*
[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Forest for the Trees' "Dream"
[10] the Darkness => Growing On Me (debut)*
[09] Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (debut)*
[08] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (9)*
[07] D12 => My Band (5)
[06] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (7)*
[05] Kanye West => All Falls Down (4)
[04] Outkast => Roses (1)
[03] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)
[02] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (6)*
[01] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Forest for the Trees' "Dream"
6/6/04
Best. MTV. Movie Awards. Ever.
I'm assuming, from a few pictures that've leaked. 'Cause great googily MOOGILY. Sneakers, athletic socks, the shorty short shorts...no wonder I love watching that number up there drop.
Nice to have SOMETHING I liked about today.
Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"
Nice to have SOMETHING I liked about today.
Ambient music: Bush's "Testosterone"
6/5/04
"I'm not crying! It's dusty in here! Damn...locksmith!"
Jon Stewart's William & Mary commencement address speech:
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work, thank you for the reference.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night."
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work, thank you for the reference.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night."
6/2/04
Gimme the Countdown
10 bands you've been listening to a lot lately:
Massive Attack
N.E.R.D.
Elvis Costello & the Attractions
Led Zeppelin
R.E.M.
Linkin Park
Notorious B.I.G.
the Clash
AC/DC
Nirvana
9 things you look forward to:
tomorrow, when I'm off
the NBA Finals
going to Vegas in August
the annual summer bonfire
seeing the new Harry Potter
the throwback Erving jersey in the mail
the Fourth of July, assuming I'm not working again
finishing the novel
moving out
8 things you like to wear:
black Stewie Griffin "VICTORY IS MINE" jacket
this bucket Lakers cap I got on sale for $6
jeans
Office Space shirt--"excuse me...I believe you have my stapler..."
throwback Jordan Bullets/Wizards jersey
throwback Braves cap
Guess watch
los lentes de sol
7 things that annoy you:
shifts where I get the same question or two over and over
getting interrupted by my mom when I'm talking to a friend or doing something fun and never when I'm like listening to the radio or reading
working on a nice day
Bush
my annual week-after-school's-over cold
people all happy and dating and crap
6 things you say most days:
"Aren't I just the luckiest Who in Whoville?"
"Six of one, a dozen of the other."
"Nuttin. Just chillin'."
"Black delegation requests Eminem."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute."
"The word of the day is...(sequoia or bookkeeper, followed with why)"
5 things you do every day:
read something
write something
leave the house, even if it's just to the store up the block
text message friends
shower
4 people you want to spend more time with:
Cristal, even though we broke up, I know the end of the school year's driving her nuts
Nate Dogg, who in a perfect world would be the wingman in the Summer of Butch
Dustin, who's whole married with children thing has ruined his life (heh heh heh)
Jessica Alba, for obvious reasons
3 movies you could watch over and over again:
Shawshank Redemption
Office Space
Scrooged
2 of your favorite songs at the moment:
Jay-Z's "99 Problems"
Led Zeppelin's "Travelling Riverside Blues"
1 person you could spend the rest of your life:
If I knew that, I'd be a lot happier...
Ambient music: 2Pac's "All About U"
Massive Attack
N.E.R.D.
Elvis Costello & the Attractions
Led Zeppelin
R.E.M.
Linkin Park
Notorious B.I.G.
the Clash
AC/DC
Nirvana
9 things you look forward to:
tomorrow, when I'm off
the NBA Finals
going to Vegas in August
the annual summer bonfire
seeing the new Harry Potter
the throwback Erving jersey in the mail
the Fourth of July, assuming I'm not working again
finishing the novel
moving out
8 things you like to wear:
black Stewie Griffin "VICTORY IS MINE" jacket
this bucket Lakers cap I got on sale for $6
jeans
Office Space shirt--"excuse me...I believe you have my stapler..."
throwback Jordan Bullets/Wizards jersey
throwback Braves cap
Guess watch
los lentes de sol
7 things that annoy you:
shifts where I get the same question or two over and over
getting interrupted by my mom when I'm talking to a friend or doing something fun and never when I'm like listening to the radio or reading
working on a nice day
Bush
my annual week-after-school's-over cold
people all happy and dating and crap
6 things you say most days:
"Aren't I just the luckiest Who in Whoville?"
"Six of one, a dozen of the other."
"Nuttin. Just chillin'."
"Black delegation requests Eminem."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute."
"The word of the day is...(sequoia or bookkeeper, followed with why)"
5 things you do every day:
read something
write something
leave the house, even if it's just to the store up the block
text message friends
shower
4 people you want to spend more time with:
Cristal, even though we broke up, I know the end of the school year's driving her nuts
Nate Dogg, who in a perfect world would be the wingman in the Summer of Butch
Dustin, who's whole married with children thing has ruined his life (heh heh heh)
Jessica Alba, for obvious reasons
3 movies you could watch over and over again:
Shawshank Redemption
Office Space
Scrooged
2 of your favorite songs at the moment:
Jay-Z's "99 Problems"
Led Zeppelin's "Travelling Riverside Blues"
1 person you could spend the rest of your life:
If I knew that, I'd be a lot happier...
Ambient music: 2Pac's "All About U"
6/1/04
Starfuckers Inc., June '04
Dropped: Vida Guerra (10), Lucy Liu (23), Halle Berry (24), Stacy Keibler (25)
25) Gabrielle Union (debut)
24) Rachel Bilson (19, peak 10)
23) Alyssa Milano (re-entry, p12)
22) Monica Bellucci (debut)
21) Cameron Diaz (15, p12)
20) Britney Spears (22, p14)
19) Carmen Electra (16, p5)
18) Gail Kim (18, p18)
17) Heidi Klum (17, p10)
16) Kristanna Loken (11, p11)
15) Christina Aguilera (20, p6)
14) Josie Maran (13, p13)
13) Maria Menounos (debut)
12) Anna Kournikova (8, p7)
11) Jamie Pressly (12, p7)
10) Sofia Vergara (22, p8)
09) Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08) Beyonce Knowles (6, p4)
07) Victoria (7, p7)
06) Lindsay Lohan (14, p6)
05) Adriana Lima (5, p5)
04) Trish Stratus (2, p1)
03) Angelina Jolie (4, p3)
02) Jessica Alba (1, p1)
01) Brooke Burke (3)
Ambient music: Garbage's "When I Grow Up"
25) Gabrielle Union (debut)
24) Rachel Bilson (19, peak 10)
23) Alyssa Milano (re-entry, p12)
22) Monica Bellucci (debut)
21) Cameron Diaz (15, p12)
20) Britney Spears (22, p14)
19) Carmen Electra (16, p5)
18) Gail Kim (18, p18)
17) Heidi Klum (17, p10)
16) Kristanna Loken (11, p11)
15) Christina Aguilera (20, p6)
14) Josie Maran (13, p13)
13) Maria Menounos (debut)
12) Anna Kournikova (8, p7)
11) Jamie Pressly (12, p7)
10) Sofia Vergara (22, p8)
09) Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08) Beyonce Knowles (6, p4)
07) Victoria (7, p7)
06) Lindsay Lohan (14, p6)
05) Adriana Lima (5, p5)
04) Trish Stratus (2, p1)
03) Angelina Jolie (4, p3)
02) Jessica Alba (1, p1)
01) Brooke Burke (3)
Ambient music: Garbage's "When I Grow Up"
We Can't Rewind, We've Gone Too Far...
Things like this get bizarre blogs their names:
Sunday, I went to the pimpest club downtown. It was either that or see Digital Underground (MOTHERFUCKING HUMPTY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) and since DU didn't have a bikini show, they lost.
Anyway, as I'm working on my fifth Heineken, I come from the downstairs portion to the upstairs and the show begins. DJ's mixing, women who'd make me sell my family to the Klan to get them into bed doing their thing in bikinis, it's all crystal gravy in theory. But there's this noise, and I can't figure it out. I'm almost positive I'm not that drunk yet. It's not part of the songs, it's not the people up front cheering. So, when the fifth model comes out, I look around.
The sound I'm hearing is a low whoosh caused by 25-30 guys around me all putting their arms up in the air at once. And since this isn't an auction (sadly), their arms are all going up in the air at once because they're shooting their cell phones in the air, taking pictures, saving, repeat. It's a good thing it only went 20 minutes because otherwise the medical community probably would've had to invent Bikini Model Capture Elbow for these guys. Then again, it helped me realize why you lay out the extra cash for the camera option.
Ambient music: Sheryl Crow covering "D'yer Maker" unplugged
Sunday, I went to the pimpest club downtown. It was either that or see Digital Underground (MOTHERFUCKING HUMPTY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) and since DU didn't have a bikini show, they lost.
Anyway, as I'm working on my fifth Heineken, I come from the downstairs portion to the upstairs and the show begins. DJ's mixing, women who'd make me sell my family to the Klan to get them into bed doing their thing in bikinis, it's all crystal gravy in theory. But there's this noise, and I can't figure it out. I'm almost positive I'm not that drunk yet. It's not part of the songs, it's not the people up front cheering. So, when the fifth model comes out, I look around.
The sound I'm hearing is a low whoosh caused by 25-30 guys around me all putting their arms up in the air at once. And since this isn't an auction (sadly), their arms are all going up in the air at once because they're shooting their cell phones in the air, taking pictures, saving, repeat. It's a good thing it only went 20 minutes because otherwise the medical community probably would've had to invent Bikini Model Capture Elbow for these guys. Then again, it helped me realize why you lay out the extra cash for the camera option.
Ambient music: Sheryl Crow covering "D'yer Maker" unplugged
5/29/04
From the Secret Home Office in the Back of the Barbershop
Past tense: "Why Georgia", 7; "Wanna Get To Know Ya", 8; "Fell In Love With A Boy", 10
[10] Jojo => Leave (Get Out) (debut)*
[09] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (debut)*
[08] Beyonce => Naughty Girl (6)
[07] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (debut)*
[06] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (9)*
[05] D12 => My Band (4)
[04] Kanye West => All Falls Down (5)
[03] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (2)
[02] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (3)*
[01] Outkast => Roses (1) [1m]
Ambient music: Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam's "Head To Toe"
[10] Jojo => Leave (Get Out) (debut)*
[09] Joss Stone => Super Duper Love (debut)*
[08] Beyonce => Naughty Girl (6)
[07] Ludacris => Blow It Out Your Ass (debut)*
[06] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (9)*
[05] D12 => My Band (4)
[04] Kanye West => All Falls Down (5)
[03] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (2)
[02] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (3)*
[01] Outkast => Roses (1) [1m]
Ambient music: Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam's "Head To Toe"
5/27/04
If You Don't Know, Now You Know
Unbelievable book review...eventually
It's been seven years, and then some.
I got home, watched Derek Fisher and the Fishettes casually smack down the Wolves again, and decided once the game was in hand to open up my e-mail.
Nate sent me the one I cared about. Said to hit a link.
I'm going, going/back, back/to Cali, Cali
SEVEN YEARS. What really killed me about this, besides the tantalizing wingman prospects to say nothing of the Sunday night blowaway I'm trying to get my Scoobies to run with, is that I had literally finished Unbelievable: the Life, Death & Afterlife of the Notorious B.I.G.; closed the book, opened up Hotmail. Nate didn't know, unless he's one of the 3 who pays hardcore attention to the sidebar. Nate, to my knowledge, hasn't been east of Colorado.
Nate is JEWISH.
And yet, he sends me an e-mail and it's not "Swinging back through" or "I HATH RETURNED!" but Christopher Wallace trying to wake up to catch Flight 504 out here and the song he listened to in his dying days and maybe even seconds. It's entirely possible I'm throwing too much psychic thought behind this and my boy Nate Dogg just wants to hear from Liz "Natey, Natey, Natey, give me one more chance."
But those who talk to me via AIM know of my psychic Winamp picking a song out of 32g+ that seems to fit what I think or talk about at any given time, and this is one of those. See, the thing is, Biggie couldn't've conceived of a Nate. And the chance to meet him was a hiccup and won't happen now.
That's what Biggie did. That's what he meant. And you get that feeling right away and through the near 350 pages. It's a great autobiography by a Vibe writer, and it's practically comprehensive to the point where you expect to see meals. Everything's in it: how he started off a cherubic two-lifed wiseass, the dealing, the 'Pac friendship, and how the LAPD more or less killed him for the ones of you who didn't read any of the excellent Rolling Stone or Los Angeles Times articles about Russell Poole getting cockblocked by his bosses.
But anyway. Those who don't know, but are willing to be intrigued will find a story uplifting, then depressing, but oddly familiar. Those who know, need to make like Sugar Hill and jump on it. In fact, here:
No excuses. Fourteen bucks.
From foreword to video and audiobiography, this isn't just a superlative biography, it's a great book, period, even if you can't tell Faith Evans from Faith Hill. So go already. Me, I'm going to listen to the beginning minute of the "Flava In Ya Ear" remix, wait for my own Lil' Cease to shuffle down here to set it off Sunday, and remember.
Ambient music: see last sentence
It's been seven years, and then some.
I got home, watched Derek Fisher and the Fishettes casually smack down the Wolves again, and decided once the game was in hand to open up my e-mail.
Nate sent me the one I cared about. Said to hit a link.
I'm going, going/back, back/to Cali, Cali
SEVEN YEARS. What really killed me about this, besides the tantalizing wingman prospects to say nothing of the Sunday night blowaway I'm trying to get my Scoobies to run with, is that I had literally finished Unbelievable: the Life, Death & Afterlife of the Notorious B.I.G.; closed the book, opened up Hotmail. Nate didn't know, unless he's one of the 3 who pays hardcore attention to the sidebar. Nate, to my knowledge, hasn't been east of Colorado.
Nate is JEWISH.
And yet, he sends me an e-mail and it's not "Swinging back through" or "I HATH RETURNED!" but Christopher Wallace trying to wake up to catch Flight 504 out here and the song he listened to in his dying days and maybe even seconds. It's entirely possible I'm throwing too much psychic thought behind this and my boy Nate Dogg just wants to hear from Liz "Natey, Natey, Natey, give me one more chance."
But those who talk to me via AIM know of my psychic Winamp picking a song out of 32g+ that seems to fit what I think or talk about at any given time, and this is one of those. See, the thing is, Biggie couldn't've conceived of a Nate. And the chance to meet him was a hiccup and won't happen now.
That's what Biggie did. That's what he meant. And you get that feeling right away and through the near 350 pages. It's a great autobiography by a Vibe writer, and it's practically comprehensive to the point where you expect to see meals. Everything's in it: how he started off a cherubic two-lifed wiseass, the dealing, the 'Pac friendship, and how the LAPD more or less killed him for the ones of you who didn't read any of the excellent Rolling Stone or Los Angeles Times articles about Russell Poole getting cockblocked by his bosses.
But anyway. Those who don't know, but are willing to be intrigued will find a story uplifting, then depressing, but oddly familiar. Those who know, need to make like Sugar Hill and jump on it. In fact, here:
No excuses. Fourteen bucks.
From foreword to video and audiobiography, this isn't just a superlative biography, it's a great book, period, even if you can't tell Faith Evans from Faith Hill. So go already. Me, I'm going to listen to the beginning minute of the "Flava In Ya Ear" remix, wait for my own Lil' Cease to shuffle down here to set it off Sunday, and remember.
Ambient music: see last sentence
Lindsay Lohan from Mean Girls isn't Jewish...
..but yes, those boobs are real.
[Ted somebodyorother, E(h)!]:
I can't help it if women feel the impulse to discuss their breasts with me. I bumped into Lindsay Lohan at the Saved! premiere (more teen deets latuh), and like Kate Beckinsale at the Van Helsing hoedown a coupla weeks ago, L2 brought up the subject of her knockers herself. Not a peepin' request outta me--swear.
By now, boys in far-off Mongolia have heard the rumor that Ms. Lohan's rack is, well, silicone-based. Hadn't really thunk one way or another on the buoyant thangs--they don't exactly distract moi--until I asked L2 for her thoughts on being sexalicious. (Hmmm, maybe I am more interested in the gals' bods than I pretend to be.)
But back to the nipple--I mean point--at hand. In response to my, like, totally shallow inquiry, Ms. L. pooped:
"I'm kind of in a position where I don't want to be sexy right now, because [the gossip rags] were writing about my chest being fake. So, I'm afraid."
Damn, busted. 'Specially as she looked me in the hazel eye, diva to diva, and said, "They're real. I don't have implants. That's retarded. I'm 17."
[Ted somebodyorother, E(h)!]:
I can't help it if women feel the impulse to discuss their breasts with me. I bumped into Lindsay Lohan at the Saved! premiere (more teen deets latuh), and like Kate Beckinsale at the Van Helsing hoedown a coupla weeks ago, L2 brought up the subject of her knockers herself. Not a peepin' request outta me--swear.
By now, boys in far-off Mongolia have heard the rumor that Ms. Lohan's rack is, well, silicone-based. Hadn't really thunk one way or another on the buoyant thangs--they don't exactly distract moi--until I asked L2 for her thoughts on being sexalicious. (Hmmm, maybe I am more interested in the gals' bods than I pretend to be.)
But back to the nipple--I mean point--at hand. In response to my, like, totally shallow inquiry, Ms. L. pooped:
"I'm kind of in a position where I don't want to be sexy right now, because [the gossip rags] were writing about my chest being fake. So, I'm afraid."
Damn, busted. 'Specially as she looked me in the hazel eye, diva to diva, and said, "They're real. I don't have implants. That's retarded. I'm 17."
5/26/04
¡Buen trabajo para mi!
So, I did burn my first day off this week studying 5 hours for today's final. And got up at 6 after getting home at 11 last night, and studying some more.
Today, right before the test starts, it's announced 6 students have A'd the class enough to not take the final.
And you're looking at 17% of that group.
¡SACAR BUENAS NOTAS, PINCHE CABRONS! I really felt that outside circumstances (read: 26-year-old farmers daughter teaching me with perpetual Aniston syndrome) caused me to fail last time, but this time I took beginning Spanish to the kitchen and had it make me a samich. Two pissant shifts to close out the week, Friday it's time to get paid blow up like the World Trade, and then I get a 3-day weekend like a normal person, Sunday night which will be spent in the dopest club in town getting down like lithium.
Things're looking up.
(beat)
Cue the paranoia. Heh.
Ambient music: Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Aeroplane"
Today, right before the test starts, it's announced 6 students have A'd the class enough to not take the final.
And you're looking at 17% of that group.
¡SACAR BUENAS NOTAS, PINCHE CABRONS! I really felt that outside circumstances (read: 26-year-old farmers daughter teaching me with perpetual Aniston syndrome) caused me to fail last time, but this time I took beginning Spanish to the kitchen and had it make me a samich. Two pissant shifts to close out the week, Friday it's time to get paid blow up like the World Trade, and then I get a 3-day weekend like a normal person, Sunday night which will be spent in the dopest club in town getting down like lithium.
Things're looking up.
(beat)
Cue the paranoia. Heh.
Ambient music: Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Aeroplane"
*annoyed grunt*
Any digerati out there know why the text on some things in the course of my net travels, including this page, has suddenly gone Large Print on me?
5/21/04
Friday Five: Fact Or Fiction
Thanks to the obvious sources. I'll try to have, y'know, a constant theme next week. Suggestions shall be taken.
1. The Lakers will sweep the Timberwolves.
FICTION. Spree, Cassell, and ol what's-his-name have really totalled up into an elite unit, and the confidence is getting to Hefnerian levels after dispatching of the Queens. They will win.
One. LA in five, beating the East in the same, kiss the rings, bitch.
2. "Stairway To Heaven" is the best Led Zeppelin song.
FICTION. It's not even the best long Zep song; lemme tell you a little story called "When The Levee Breaks". For my money, it's "Hey Hey What Can I Do" though sometimes I can make a compelling argument for "Whole Lotta Love" and/or "Rock And Roll", depending on mood.
3. If George Bush fails to get re-elected he should be put on trial for war crimes.
FICTION. He should be NOW. I mean, I appreciate the fact that the cabinent knows enough to have him avoid the Clinton perjury trap, but it's obvious things have gone from saving people to meet the new boss same as the old boss but we're white so it's OKAY! (This was the subtle underlying theme of my presidential run; you're just a figurehead at the end of the day--surrounded by others who usually make the decisions with having to have the last word as your ace in the hole.) So, really, FACT.
4. This summer's big movie is going to be Spiderman 2.
FICTION. I'm not a big cinephile like Harris is, but I'm really into seeing Harry Potter and the Hair In New Places or whatever it is--even if Lindsay Lohan isn't going to be playing Hermoine. :( Actually, it's all about Garden State in August, thanks to Zach Braff and Natalie Portman. The indies like it and it's important to support all-Scrubs related activites.
5. The summer is the best time of the year.
FACT, but with a caveat: it's more important to have free time and a good one than the specific time. If a bikini top falls on the beach but you're inside workig, does it really exist? HMMM? Provocative!
Ambient music: R.E.M.'s "Revolution"
1. The Lakers will sweep the Timberwolves.
FICTION. Spree, Cassell, and ol what's-his-name have really totalled up into an elite unit, and the confidence is getting to Hefnerian levels after dispatching of the Queens. They will win.
One. LA in five, beating the East in the same, kiss the rings, bitch.
2. "Stairway To Heaven" is the best Led Zeppelin song.
FICTION. It's not even the best long Zep song; lemme tell you a little story called "When The Levee Breaks". For my money, it's "Hey Hey What Can I Do" though sometimes I can make a compelling argument for "Whole Lotta Love" and/or "Rock And Roll", depending on mood.
3. If George Bush fails to get re-elected he should be put on trial for war crimes.
FICTION. He should be NOW. I mean, I appreciate the fact that the cabinent knows enough to have him avoid the Clinton perjury trap, but it's obvious things have gone from saving people to meet the new boss same as the old boss but we're white so it's OKAY! (This was the subtle underlying theme of my presidential run; you're just a figurehead at the end of the day--surrounded by others who usually make the decisions with having to have the last word as your ace in the hole.) So, really, FACT.
4. This summer's big movie is going to be Spiderman 2.
FICTION. I'm not a big cinephile like Harris is, but I'm really into seeing Harry Potter and the Hair In New Places or whatever it is--even if Lindsay Lohan isn't going to be playing Hermoine. :( Actually, it's all about Garden State in August, thanks to Zach Braff and Natalie Portman. The indies like it and it's important to support all-Scrubs related activites.
5. The summer is the best time of the year.
FACT, but with a caveat: it's more important to have free time and a good one than the specific time. If a bikini top falls on the beach but you're inside workig, does it really exist? HMMM? Provocative!
Ambient music: R.E.M.'s "Revolution"
5/20/04
*sigh*
82 and 138 for those keeping up on the bowling.
There's a cute girl playing pool, and I lose because I suck. So my friend gets to go, and I figure even though he's off the market, he knows enough to get close and then bomb the game.
WRONG.
How the hell do you get a UC degree and not know this? It's basic common sense, for crying out flayven! You don't give the cute girl playing pool an out, you buy her drinks and make her play until they shut the bar down or the comet strikes. Geez!
Into every rain a little life must fall...
Ambient music: Cypress Hill's "What's Your Number?"
There's a cute girl playing pool, and I lose because I suck. So my friend gets to go, and I figure even though he's off the market, he knows enough to get close and then bomb the game.
WRONG.
How the hell do you get a UC degree and not know this? It's basic common sense, for crying out flayven! You don't give the cute girl playing pool an out, you buy her drinks and make her play until they shut the bar down or the comet strikes. Geez!
Into every rain a little life must fall...
Ambient music: Cypress Hill's "What's Your Number?"
5/17/04
Oh, Baby, I Like It RAAAAAAAAAAW (I Would've Liked It More If I Was THERE...)
All right all right all right all right all right.
Things sucked before, yes. I knew this.
But I got up early this morning to learn preterites in a foreign language a Ryan Leaf throw away from a girl who had an intermediary blow me off and then turned around to work a seven-hour shift and I miss the MOTHERFUCKING ROCK?! Bad enough I miss pulling off the SmackDown/RAW Daily Double, even worse I miss Evil Trish, a damn good Tag Title match, outside of this year's Rumble the best battle royal in the last five years with some supoib booking (turning Kane face in my eyes)...but missing the Rock is just the roofie colada in the shit milkshake buffet.
Continuing the suck parade is my schedule:
Sunday--full shift, off at 10:30
Monday--studying for my final on Wednesday because
Tuesday--see Sunday, home just in time to sleep because
Wednesday--FINAL! 8 AM! UP AT 6! FEEL THE JOY!
Thursday--More Work
Friday--MORE WORK
Oh, and I have a report to do (with visual aids) this Wednesday and a match to write, too.
I had to ask for next Wednesday off, too because this Microsoft thing is going wall to wall for a few days and everyone's on the hook for at least 25. Shiva H. Vishnu I wouldn't wish that to whoever's booking SmackDown.
If I could take the vacation earlier at the loss of 5 years of my life at this point it's a trade I would make.
Pwamp.
Ambient music: De La Soul's "Me, Myself & I"
Things sucked before, yes. I knew this.
But I got up early this morning to learn preterites in a foreign language a Ryan Leaf throw away from a girl who had an intermediary blow me off and then turned around to work a seven-hour shift and I miss the MOTHERFUCKING ROCK?! Bad enough I miss pulling off the SmackDown/RAW Daily Double, even worse I miss Evil Trish, a damn good Tag Title match, outside of this year's Rumble the best battle royal in the last five years with some supoib booking (turning Kane face in my eyes)...but missing the Rock is just the roofie colada in the shit milkshake buffet.
Continuing the suck parade is my schedule:
Sunday--full shift, off at 10:30
Monday--studying for my final on Wednesday because
Tuesday--see Sunday, home just in time to sleep because
Wednesday--FINAL! 8 AM! UP AT 6! FEEL THE JOY!
Thursday--More Work
Friday--MORE WORK
Oh, and I have a report to do (with visual aids) this Wednesday and a match to write, too.
I had to ask for next Wednesday off, too because this Microsoft thing is going wall to wall for a few days and everyone's on the hook for at least 25. Shiva H. Vishnu I wouldn't wish that to whoever's booking SmackDown.
If I could take the vacation earlier at the loss of 5 years of my life at this point it's a trade I would make.
Pwamp.
Ambient music: De La Soul's "Me, Myself & I"
5/15/04
A One Act Play About Something Vaguely Relevant
TIME: 168 hours ago
SCENE
EXT.: graveyard, late at night. Full moon. Some fog.
V/O: It's done, right?
(Cut to, a bunch of people in fedoras, some in silver and black, all with shovels, digging furiously. Behind them a purple and gold casket manages to gleam a little in the darkness.)
Voice #2: Oh, yeah, it's done. They're dead.
Voice #3: Thank goodness. Sick of them. Sick, sick, SICK!
Voice #1: We about done here?
Voice #4: Yeah, it's all a matter of...
(uneasy pause)
Voice #2: What? (wipes sweat off brow)
Voice #4: Nothing. It's just...nah.
(digging resumes. stops.)
Voice #4: It's just...did you hear a banging and scraping noise coming from the casket?
ALL: Nah...
(They turn. All eyes widen. Mass screaming. Sounds of carnage ensue. Blood gets on the tombstone. THE BEAST emerges...)
Derek Fisher: Hey, my first game-winner! How'd ya like that?
(Fisher walks off.)
AND SCENE!
Ambient music: Led Zeppelin's "D'yer Maker"
SCENE
EXT.: graveyard, late at night. Full moon. Some fog.
V/O: It's done, right?
(Cut to, a bunch of people in fedoras, some in silver and black, all with shovels, digging furiously. Behind them a purple and gold casket manages to gleam a little in the darkness.)
Voice #2: Oh, yeah, it's done. They're dead.
Voice #3: Thank goodness. Sick of them. Sick, sick, SICK!
Voice #1: We about done here?
Voice #4: Yeah, it's all a matter of...
(uneasy pause)
Voice #2: What? (wipes sweat off brow)
Voice #4: Nothing. It's just...nah.
(digging resumes. stops.)
Voice #4: It's just...did you hear a banging and scraping noise coming from the casket?
ALL: Nah...
(They turn. All eyes widen. Mass screaming. Sounds of carnage ensue. Blood gets on the tombstone. THE BEAST emerges...)
Derek Fisher: Hey, my first game-winner! How'd ya like that?
(Fisher walks off.)
AND SCENE!
Ambient music: Led Zeppelin's "D'yer Maker"
From the Home Office In That Fisher Replay Hasn't Gotten Old Yet
Past tense: "Reptilia", 7; "She Wants To Move", 8; "Megalomaniac", 10
[10] Joss Stone => Fell In Love With A Boy (9)
[09] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (debut)*
[08] G-Unit feat. Joe => Wanna Get To Know Ya (6)
[07] John Mayer & Brad Paisley => Why Georgia {live} (debut)*
[06] Beyonce => Naughty Girl (5)
[05] Kanye West => All Falls Down (3)
[04] D-12 => My Band (1)
[03] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (debut)*
[02] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (2)*
[01] Outkast => Roses (4) [2w]
Ambient music: eels' "Rags To Rags"
[10] Joss Stone => Fell In Love With A Boy (9)
[09] Beastie Boys => Ch-Check It Out (debut)*
[08] G-Unit feat. Joe => Wanna Get To Know Ya (6)
[07] John Mayer & Brad Paisley => Why Georgia {live} (debut)*
[06] Beyonce => Naughty Girl (5)
[05] Kanye West => All Falls Down (3)
[04] D-12 => My Band (1)
[03] Jay-Z => 99 Problems (debut)*
[02] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (2)*
[01] Outkast => Roses (4) [2w]
Ambient music: eels' "Rags To Rags"
5/12/04
Hot 101
And with the extra link of the moment, I now have surpassed 100 pictures of the future Mrs. Which is either kinda stalky or really stalky.
Dig them links! Dig them other blogs! I don't care how fancy the exterior is, inside it's dirtier than a Jeffrey Ross Friar's toast!
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses (live)"
Dig them links! Dig them other blogs! I don't care how fancy the exterior is, inside it's dirtier than a Jeffrey Ross Friar's toast!
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses (live)"
5/10/04
Doing The Evolution
Here it is, BAM! And you say godDAMN, this is the dope jam...
Anyways, with the new wave of templates up I'm changing it up. There should be comments and I need someone to help tell me how to include my little sidebar stuff, but the archives have it saved so once I get the HTML in that'll be back up.
Fan of this one? Or the old style? Or the OLD SCHOOL sienna and white? Holla at a playa.
ADDENDUM: Any friendly blogs I missed or links I had, help there, too.
Anyways, with the new wave of templates up I'm changing it up. There should be comments and I need someone to help tell me how to include my little sidebar stuff, but the archives have it saved so once I get the HTML in that'll be back up.
Fan of this one? Or the old style? Or the OLD SCHOOL sienna and white? Holla at a playa.
ADDENDUM: Any friendly blogs I missed or links I had, help there, too.
5/6/04
But My Wings Have Been So Denied
A parable.
Once upon a time, there was a man with a dream. He spent hour after hour coddling it, thinking about it, reconfiguring it, for he knew that to only have a dream was futile.
You had to make the dream a reality.
His friends and family wrote him off as increasingly mad. There would be no deterrents. He perceived opportunity ahead and continued to plot.
One day he tested the specs and checked his resolve. Everyone stood by in bemusement as he tried.
And then stood shocked when he made it happen.
The sun warmed him for the first time in his life. Naysayers abounded, but where were they now? He had a dream, he made it happen. The world would change now thanks to his perceived madness.
A great thing, to dream, but to LIVE--ay, there's the rub.
For that dreamer's name was Icarus.
And he soon fell to Earth.
So did I.
Twice in two months.
Another name to put in the novel's "How Do You Like Me NOW?" section. Maybe I'll just put them on a shirt like Navarro did that pick.
*sigh* Someday.
"I never had the chance to show the world that I could love and could be loved because they ruled me out because I had a strange appetite for strange things."
--God
Ambient music: Johnny Cash's "A Satisfied Mind"
A parable.
Once upon a time, there was a man with a dream. He spent hour after hour coddling it, thinking about it, reconfiguring it, for he knew that to only have a dream was futile.
You had to make the dream a reality.
His friends and family wrote him off as increasingly mad. There would be no deterrents. He perceived opportunity ahead and continued to plot.
One day he tested the specs and checked his resolve. Everyone stood by in bemusement as he tried.
And then stood shocked when he made it happen.
The sun warmed him for the first time in his life. Naysayers abounded, but where were they now? He had a dream, he made it happen. The world would change now thanks to his perceived madness.
A great thing, to dream, but to LIVE--ay, there's the rub.
For that dreamer's name was Icarus.
And he soon fell to Earth.
So did I.
Twice in two months.
Another name to put in the novel's "How Do You Like Me NOW?" section. Maybe I'll just put them on a shirt like Navarro did that pick.
*sigh* Someday.
"I never had the chance to show the world that I could love and could be loved because they ruled me out because I had a strange appetite for strange things."
--God
Ambient music: Johnny Cash's "A Satisfied Mind"
5/5/04
Suck me, beautiful!
FUCK Mary-Kate & Ashley, here's where the winning ticket is this summer: Hi, Lindsay!
FUCK Mary-Kate & Ashley, here's where the winning ticket is this summer: Hi, Lindsay!
5/4/04
Ching, ching, bling bling cut the chatter
You ain't talkin' money then your talkin' don't matter
Ching, ching, bling bling paddin' pockets
You make that dolla dolla can't a damn soul stop it
--Ancient Greenwich Proverb
State tax refund check. IRS tax check. My first ones.
Survey SEZ: $138.
I know this is only a Net connection, but can you smell that cologne? It's called BRAND NEW MONEY. This would be a lot more impressive if I hadn't just dropped $71 at Best Buy last night but que sera, sera and all of that.
You ain't talkin' money then your talkin' don't matter
Ching, ching, bling bling paddin' pockets
You make that dolla dolla can't a damn soul stop it
--Ancient Greenwich Proverb
State tax refund check. IRS tax check. My first ones.
Survey SEZ: $138.
I know this is only a Net connection, but can you smell that cologne? It's called BRAND NEW MONEY. This would be a lot more impressive if I hadn't just dropped $71 at Best Buy last night but que sera, sera and all of that.
5/2/04
Thoreau Says 'Simplify, Simplify"
Maybe I've just been overthinking things. I know I go through my emotional travails and wacky lists and calling Rob a dirty pigfucker and it's all well and good.
But recently--very recently--I had an epiphany. A breakthrough, if you will. A revelation occured to me and suddenly everything crystallized in my mind.
Purpose.
Direction.
The meaning of life.
And I get it now! It makes sense, I understand!
I absolutely MUST plow Lindsay Lohan like an unfarmed cornfield.
I mean godDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN.
Anyway, if you don't hear from me for the next couple days, I'm taming the dragon.
Ambient music: the Vines' "Ride"
Maybe I've just been overthinking things. I know I go through my emotional travails and wacky lists and calling Rob a dirty pigfucker and it's all well and good.
But recently--very recently--I had an epiphany. A breakthrough, if you will. A revelation occured to me and suddenly everything crystallized in my mind.
Purpose.
Direction.
The meaning of life.
And I get it now! It makes sense, I understand!
I absolutely MUST plow Lindsay Lohan like an unfarmed cornfield.
I mean godDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN.
Anyway, if you don't hear from me for the next couple days, I'm taming the dragon.
Ambient music: the Vines' "Ride"
5/1/04
From the Home Office In The Box Where They Keep Aguilera's Voice
[10] Incubus => Megalomaniac (9)
[09] Joss Stone => Fell In Love With A Boy (10)
[08] N.E.R.D. => She Wants To Move (8)
[07] the Strokes => Reptilia (7)*
[06] G-Unit feat. Joe => Wanna Get To Know Ya (1)
[05] Beyonce => Naughty Girl (5)*
[04] Outkast => Roses (6)*
[03] Kanye West => All Falls Down (2)
[02] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)*
Ambient music: [01] D-12 => My Band (4) [2w]
[10] Incubus => Megalomaniac (9)
[09] Joss Stone => Fell In Love With A Boy (10)
[08] N.E.R.D. => She Wants To Move (8)
[07] the Strokes => Reptilia (7)*
[06] G-Unit feat. Joe => Wanna Get To Know Ya (1)
[05] Beyonce => Naughty Girl (5)*
[04] Outkast => Roses (6)*
[03] Kanye West => All Falls Down (2)
[02] Yellowcard => Ocean Avenue (3)*
Ambient music: [01] D-12 => My Band (4) [2w]
Starfuckers Inc.: May 2004
Gone Daddy Gone: Elisha Cuthbert (16); Tyra Banks (20); Norah Jones (25)
She's On Fire: Shakira, Laetitia Casta, Monica Bellucci
LM TM In This Corner Wearing The Catholic Schoolgirl Outift Peak
NR ^ 25 Stacy Keibler 20
18 v 24 Halle Berry 18
24 ^ 23 Lucy Liu 23
15 v 22 Sofia Vergara 8
22 ^ 21 Britney Spears 14
21 ^ 20 Christina Aguilera 6
13 v 19 Rachel Bilson 10
NR ^ 18 Gail Kim 18
14 v 17 Heidi Klum 10
12 v 16 Carmen Electra 5
9 v 15 Cameron Diaz 9
NR ^ 14 Lindsay Lohan 14
23 ^ 13 Josie Maran 13
19 ^ 12 Jamie Pressly 7
17 ^ 11 Kristanna Loken 11
11 ^ 10 Vida Guerra 6
6 v 9 Eliza Dushku 3
7 v 8 Anna Kournikova 7
8 ^ 7 Victoria 7
4 v 6 Beyonce Knowles 4
10 ^ 5 Adriana Lima 5
5 ^ 4 Angelina Jolie 4
3 = 3 Brooke Burke 3
1 v 2 Trish Stratus 1
2 ^ 1 Jessica Alba 1
Ambient music: Love And Rockets' "So Alive"
Gone Daddy Gone: Elisha Cuthbert (16); Tyra Banks (20); Norah Jones (25)
She's On Fire: Shakira, Laetitia Casta, Monica Bellucci
LM TM In This Corner Wearing The Catholic Schoolgirl Outift Peak
NR ^ 25 Stacy Keibler 20
18 v 24 Halle Berry 18
24 ^ 23 Lucy Liu 23
15 v 22 Sofia Vergara 8
22 ^ 21 Britney Spears 14
21 ^ 20 Christina Aguilera 6
13 v 19 Rachel Bilson 10
NR ^ 18 Gail Kim 18
14 v 17 Heidi Klum 10
12 v 16 Carmen Electra 5
9 v 15 Cameron Diaz 9
NR ^ 14 Lindsay Lohan 14
23 ^ 13 Josie Maran 13
19 ^ 12 Jamie Pressly 7
17 ^ 11 Kristanna Loken 11
11 ^ 10 Vida Guerra 6
6 v 9 Eliza Dushku 3
7 v 8 Anna Kournikova 7
8 ^ 7 Victoria 7
4 v 6 Beyonce Knowles 4
10 ^ 5 Adriana Lima 5
5 ^ 4 Angelina Jolie 4
3 = 3 Brooke Burke 3
1 v 2 Trish Stratus 1
2 ^ 1 Jessica Alba 1
Ambient music: Love And Rockets' "So Alive"
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