the Game 7 running diary
All right, God, let's get one thing clear: you hate me, and I hate you even more! But if you let the Sox post the Biggest Comeback in the History Of Mankind over the Yankmes in their false house of worship I will drastically reduce the blasphemy.
For instance, using pigfucker in lieu of goddamn.
Amen.
Also, I have prepared this plate of cookies & milk. If you would like me to devour them in your abscence, give me absolutely no sign.
Thy will be done.
*munch munch munch*
*gulp*
4: After two straight days of rain, the sun actually emerges to fend off the rain. Looking for an optimistic sign? You bet your ass I am, there's a reason I started off with "Rusty Cage" instead of "The Day I Tried To Live" like usual.
4:45: Houston vs. St. Louis? Did anybody realize this was happening? Does the winner get the Robert Barone Cup? I want answers!
4:48: THE O.C. IS BACK NEXT MONTH!...uh...not that I care about that crap. Boy if Summer doesn't go back to Seth I am going to be pissed. What? Stop judging me with your eyes!
4:52: There's a hot brunette next to me, which is all to the good. Except she's got Starbucks. And a dog in her purse. Something must be done about this. I am not the man to do so; I'm just saying in general. I mean, women, c'mon, if you want to emulate Paris have more sex on tape! Jeez!
5:10: Jim Edmonds becomes everybody's favorite guy in the bar for 30, 35 seconds, knocking one out with 12 minutes left to go on Fox's time limit. Everybody is for the Sox except one Japanese guy in a Matsui Japanese uniform. It becomes hilariously sad as he is the only one clapping at certain junctions, and then no clapping.
5:20: "Under Pressure" AND "Guerilla Radio". Fox must be trying to get on my good side or something. Guess who said it: "He's a Yankee, and he dated Jessica Alba. By all rules and statutes I should be allowed to KILL HIM!"
5:22: You are FULLY IMMERSED in Fred's Mexican Restaurant! Alongside me is my boy Danny, born from a long line of Sawx fans.
5:26: Danny comes in and immediately proves his worth off the wingman waiver wire when referring to the Unholy Trinity in the booth: did I mention how much I HATE these motherfuckers?
5:39: "FUCKING JETER!" Yes, I am yelling "YOU SUCK!" at Jeter & A-Hole every time I see them. And I'm still sober.
5:40: Johnny Damon may look like God. David Ortiz IS God. Who's your motherfucking Papi?!
5:45: "From now on, the term 'Hi, I'm David Ortiz.' will be shortly followed by a zipper unzipping."
"Or knees hitting the floor."
"Either way."
6:08: The Yankees pitch coach is on the horn, and it's not to talk to Stat Boy. Me: "Suicide hotline? Yeah, I'll hold..."
6:15: What inspired Danny to find me again after 12 years. Seeing Stuart Scott on SportsCenter, reminding him of the youth we pissed away talking sports. Johnathon Damon. Doing the Bull Dance. Feeling the energy. Working, working.
6:15:28: Yours truly: AND THE LORD SAID YOU *GOT* TO RISE UP-AH!
6:20: The next table over, full of displaced Bostonians: it's going to be Paul Revere, David Ortiz, and Sam Adams.
6:31: "I'm talking to grains of salt. This can't be good." Right before the Grand Slam Heard 'Round the World I had I my lucky green mushroom 1-Up hat and put the salt in off the side of the margarita Danny ordered for me. So now the first empty glass is there and I have to recreate it with all subsequent margaritas. Danny would have me commited except it seems to be working. I now take back everything bad I ever said about Tom Coughlin.
6:45: Jeter scores a run. I apologize, and put my hat on.
6:55: Je sus WALKS godshowmetheway'causethedevil'stryingtobringmeDOWWWN Je sus WALKS with me. BEDLAM. And Danny wanted a triple. I SCOFF AT YOUR PUNY TRIPLES! The Japanese guy has a look that clearly says "Where can I commit hari-kiri?"
7:10: Danny, with no trace of irony: We need more runs. George was less flustered after the Kung Pao.
7:27: I feel guilty about the Yankees I don't go out of my way to insult, like I drew the third slot in that spin-the-wheel-make-the-snap-about-your-momma game on In Living Color. "And you! I don't know you! But your momma! Oh! She...really...uh...needs to do something with her hair! YEAH!"
7:31: They still make Aqua Velva? Is there a lighter fluid shortage? Has it yet been proven Aqua Velva and Old Spice are, in fact, seperate entities? HMM?!
7:45: The magic number is NINE.
7:52: Inside the Mind of Terry Francona: What color do I want my Jetstream? Blue? It'd match the water...nah. OOH, grey! No, that won't work. White! No, white gets dirty, I don't want to be cleaning it all the time. GREEN. Yeah. Well, maybe with a silver stripe or something....damn, how did Martha Stewart DO THIS all those years?
8:04: Danny is beginning to look more paranoid than a Black Sabbath classic. I assure him me & the magic hat will keep away the demons.
8:08: Pedro starts eroding. Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind...
8:15: You ever hear 40 people unclench at once? It sounds like something metallic falling down a well. Kinda creepy. Danny bows to me calling the groundball in advance and learns my old parable about the tree and the elephant.
8:24: The taunting phone calls have begun. Any other year I'd smell Deep Fucking Shit. Not tonight. Even Danny relaxes for a second or two when Damon gets back on-screen: God is on our side. Then he changes his name to Daniel X, Daniel Akbar, and Prophet DW just to be sure he's covered all the religious bases.
8:32: THREE.
8:50: The place is BUZZING. It's like Christmas Eve at P. Diddy's house.
8:56: Casually, to Danny & the neighboring table: This is all drama. The game is going to end at EXACTLY midnight their time. The carriage turning into a pumpkin, all that good crap.
9: Don't you EVER question me! Former telemedia major, I know how the game is played! Oh, also..
9:00:17: Everyone experiences the climatic moment of a favorite Negro spiritual called cel uh brate good times C'MON!
9:05: "What's white & black and chokes?" The biggest fan in the joint, who had a caballero vs. caballero with his Yankee-loving boss, thinks this may be the best joke ever. I am personally a fan of the two midgets who get hookers and adjoining rooms.
I'm not as big a baseball fan as I used to be, but after this, I'm all the way behind the SAWX. Could it be because they beat Al-Queda in pinstripes, thus concluding the
BIGGEST
CHOKE
EVER?
Probably. The fact is, I got to watch history tonight. This is almost as good as the Bucs beating the Raiders up the block.
Mushroom hat: $6.
Dinner: $23.
Watching the Yankmes blow it all like an overeager priest on their homefield after being three outs away from winning the series: PRICELESS.
I like to think the last thing that went through Steinbrenner's head, other than that bullet...
Ambient music: Guns N' Roses covering "Knockin' On Heaven's Door"
10/20/04
10/18/04
Arrested Development
Is this happening to me because I use High Fidelity as a personal Bible, or since I use High Fidelity as a personal Bible this happens to me?
[inner reflection]
I'm very much confused and lost. Maybe it's because the march to the 10th reunion has been pushed in my e-mails the past couple of days, probably because I spent the last month getting haunted by the ghosts of Almost Pussy Past, but I feel like that Seinfeld season opener where George & Jerry own up to the fact they're not men.
I've been looking out the same window a better part of a decade. I've filled in the room with more clutter, and when I got bored with that I relocated the clutter to make the room look a bit different, but in all honesty, it's the same room and the only thing that's gotten bigger is me and the stack of Maxims.
As much as I hate it, I'm still here with the fam. Sure, it's financially the only option I have at this time, but it's still answering to their whims after more than a quarter-century occupying molecules. Maybe I'd feel different if the comp was in another room. Who can say?
Once upon a time my brother used to drive me nuts under this window playing with the neighbor girl downstairs right under my window. They were little. It was innocent and cute back then. Now my brother's knocking on the door of 11th grade and the neighbor girl is getting disturbingly more attractive.
I've been here, practically unmoved. Friends of mine, they've done things. They fly to the other side of the world and see things I don't even have the capacity to dream. They do the right thing and take on a child's welfare and sacrifice themselves for a Greater Good. They get married and start their own family. They get their long-term girlfriend, they get their job in la-la...
...Still here.
There are so many regrets, and living a trifling life drives them all to the surface. I wish I'd said something to Jenny in the w a y back when, wish I'd gotten a spine sooner, wish I'd get a better one now, wish I'd tried to ride out the Natalie thing instead of hopping to Annie, actually learned something in college besides the power of box wine.
I really wish I could make the first move and call Cristal back, not to get back together (not that that holds a massive unattraction for me), but to hope everything's all right with her and the problems she had are past tense. She was great to talk to.
I also wish I could make the first move with Liz, and bypass the entirety of 2001 with it. I keep thinking I should just pop up and say hi, but what's next? Can people go through what happened in that madness and still expect to resuscitate a friendship--a PLATONIC friendship, at that?
I'm entirely too far along the ride in the Mobius strip of my head right now.
What I know is either I need to shit or get off the metaphorical pot. And I also know the things we wish for don't always turn out to be the things we need.
But the novel beckons.
And the chaos in my mind is going to have to delegate itself to a low hum for the time being.
Disturbingly appropriate ambient music (it just happened this way, hand to Jebus): Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake
[inner reflection]
I'm very much confused and lost. Maybe it's because the march to the 10th reunion has been pushed in my e-mails the past couple of days, probably because I spent the last month getting haunted by the ghosts of Almost Pussy Past, but I feel like that Seinfeld season opener where George & Jerry own up to the fact they're not men.
I've been looking out the same window a better part of a decade. I've filled in the room with more clutter, and when I got bored with that I relocated the clutter to make the room look a bit different, but in all honesty, it's the same room and the only thing that's gotten bigger is me and the stack of Maxims.
As much as I hate it, I'm still here with the fam. Sure, it's financially the only option I have at this time, but it's still answering to their whims after more than a quarter-century occupying molecules. Maybe I'd feel different if the comp was in another room. Who can say?
Once upon a time my brother used to drive me nuts under this window playing with the neighbor girl downstairs right under my window. They were little. It was innocent and cute back then. Now my brother's knocking on the door of 11th grade and the neighbor girl is getting disturbingly more attractive.
I've been here, practically unmoved. Friends of mine, they've done things. They fly to the other side of the world and see things I don't even have the capacity to dream. They do the right thing and take on a child's welfare and sacrifice themselves for a Greater Good. They get married and start their own family. They get their long-term girlfriend, they get their job in la-la...
...Still here.
There are so many regrets, and living a trifling life drives them all to the surface. I wish I'd said something to Jenny in the w a y back when, wish I'd gotten a spine sooner, wish I'd get a better one now, wish I'd tried to ride out the Natalie thing instead of hopping to Annie, actually learned something in college besides the power of box wine.
I really wish I could make the first move and call Cristal back, not to get back together (not that that holds a massive unattraction for me), but to hope everything's all right with her and the problems she had are past tense. She was great to talk to.
I also wish I could make the first move with Liz, and bypass the entirety of 2001 with it. I keep thinking I should just pop up and say hi, but what's next? Can people go through what happened in that madness and still expect to resuscitate a friendship--a PLATONIC friendship, at that?
I'm entirely too far along the ride in the Mobius strip of my head right now.
What I know is either I need to shit or get off the metaphorical pot. And I also know the things we wish for don't always turn out to be the things we need.
But the novel beckons.
And the chaos in my mind is going to have to delegate itself to a low hum for the time being.
Disturbingly appropriate ambient music (it just happened this way, hand to Jebus): Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake
10/16/04
Rosser Top Ten
Obits: "Jesus Walks", 4; "Let's Get Retarded", 9
(10) Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (7)
(09) Kanye West --> The New Workout Plan (debut)*
(08) Ciara ft. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (10)*
(07) Beastie Boys --> Triple Trouble (8)
(06) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (5)
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon --> Culo (6)
(04) Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (debut)*
(03) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (3)*
(02) Green Day --> American Idiot (1)
(01) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (2) [2w]
Ambient music: R.E.M. - Strange Currencies
(10) Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (7)
(09) Kanye West --> The New Workout Plan (debut)*
(08) Ciara ft. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (10)*
(07) Beastie Boys --> Triple Trouble (8)
(06) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (5)
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon --> Culo (6)
(04) Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (debut)*
(03) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (3)*
(02) Green Day --> American Idiot (1)
(01) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (2) [2w]
Ambient music: R.E.M. - Strange Currencies
10/15/04
Dick Clark Ain't Got Shit On Me
Excuse me while I have a Barry Horowitz moment.
*pat myself on the back*
You know, a few days ago, I had my semi-monthly "What do you mean this much of the year's over already?!" monologue with myself. What was really left of the year? Halloween. Psyched for that. Going to hit the clubs as Lil' Jon.
WHAT?
OK, I'll stop that. What's after that, Thanksgiving. Then it's Christmas, and then it's New Year's Eve and the next thing you know it's 200fucking5 and the 10-year-reunion is on your ass like Pepe Le Pew. Like it's not already, but anyway...
So I was getting frustrated with the end of the year and the big blowout celebrations and whatnot. Whoo, Thanksgiving, pass the E & the Basement Jaxx. Whoo, the LAAAAAAAAAWD(™ Some Guy)'s birthday! Praise the Lord & pass the pimp juice! So that leaves New Year's Eve. And nothing against my friends, but we have the New Year's Eve parties of 50-year-olds. That sucks, I thought to myself. We need to have a goddamn PARTY. Marriage, work, pussy, we're growing farther and farther apart by the day and this is one of the few chances to get us back to the old school we-are-fam-uh-lee nucleus. What OUGHT to happen, I thought to myself, is someone needs to get a fucking room in a swanky place and turn a mother out.
That'd be cool.
And then suddenly, I remembered money can be exchanged for goods, services, and temporary housing in a room. Waaaaaaaaait a second, Cha-Cha, I says to myself, me throw this thing? And then, OF COURSE me throw this thing! Who gets the party started like me! Who just spent last night breakdancing to "It's Like That"? Who got a bachlorette party to get him fucked up? Who can dance all night? Who dat dipping in the Cadillac?! Well, that last one was Snoop, but point remained: you want something done right...
But FUCK! The goddamn year-bridging end of Auto Show! Now I can't do it, stupid job and the stupid work and the so rent a room downtown, genius.
It's perfectly all right to talk to yourself so long as somebody's listening.
So I now am going to be the host of a New Year's party in a swanky room a five-minute walk away that was only a couple of G's, I'm looking into getting a DJ, and have a 1-3-5 cost scale to try and make some money on the side from all this.
As a man wiser than I would say--hell, as I'm calling it--it's a New Year's Eve celebration, bitches. Enjoy yourselves.
Ambient music: Foo Fighters - My Hero
*pat myself on the back*
You know, a few days ago, I had my semi-monthly "What do you mean this much of the year's over already?!" monologue with myself. What was really left of the year? Halloween. Psyched for that. Going to hit the clubs as Lil' Jon.
WHAT?
OK, I'll stop that. What's after that, Thanksgiving. Then it's Christmas, and then it's New Year's Eve and the next thing you know it's 200fucking5 and the 10-year-reunion is on your ass like Pepe Le Pew. Like it's not already, but anyway...
So I was getting frustrated with the end of the year and the big blowout celebrations and whatnot. Whoo, Thanksgiving, pass the E & the Basement Jaxx. Whoo, the LAAAAAAAAAWD(™ Some Guy)'s birthday! Praise the Lord & pass the pimp juice! So that leaves New Year's Eve. And nothing against my friends, but we have the New Year's Eve parties of 50-year-olds. That sucks, I thought to myself. We need to have a goddamn PARTY. Marriage, work, pussy, we're growing farther and farther apart by the day and this is one of the few chances to get us back to the old school we-are-fam-uh-lee nucleus. What OUGHT to happen, I thought to myself, is someone needs to get a fucking room in a swanky place and turn a mother out.
That'd be cool.
And then suddenly, I remembered money can be exchanged for goods, services, and temporary housing in a room. Waaaaaaaaait a second, Cha-Cha, I says to myself, me throw this thing? And then, OF COURSE me throw this thing! Who gets the party started like me! Who just spent last night breakdancing to "It's Like That"? Who got a bachlorette party to get him fucked up? Who can dance all night? Who dat dipping in the Cadillac?! Well, that last one was Snoop, but point remained: you want something done right...
But FUCK! The goddamn year-bridging end of Auto Show! Now I can't do it, stupid job and the stupid work and the so rent a room downtown, genius.
It's perfectly all right to talk to yourself so long as somebody's listening.
So I now am going to be the host of a New Year's party in a swanky room a five-minute walk away that was only a couple of G's, I'm looking into getting a DJ, and have a 1-3-5 cost scale to try and make some money on the side from all this.
As a man wiser than I would say--hell, as I'm calling it--it's a New Year's Eve celebration, bitches. Enjoy yourselves.
Ambient music: Foo Fighters - My Hero
10/8/04
We Gon Rock This Muthafucka Like Three The Hard Way
Theivery abounds.
This here from Gwen. Who got it from Jason. Who got it from Grant. Who was a key grip on Wild Things WITH...you guessed it, Kevin Bacon.
10 years ago today, I...
1) ...was 15.
2) ...living at the last place I lived before this one.
3) ...beginning to settle in and feel comfortable at high school; as comfortable as one can feel given it's high school.
5 years ago today, I...
1) ...was plowing through my first go-round at community college to moderate success.
2) ...was taking English from the Lewis Black of teaching, someone who will get their due if the novel ever comes.
3) ...was convinced this Y2K thing was going to be a gateway to guilt-free looting. (Stupid lying government.)
3 years ago today, I...
1) ... was back here.
2) ...would've been clinically depressed if someone offical had been around to diagnose me, and borderline suicidal.
3) ...was seriously debating whether or not to flee to Canada. I still think I might.
A year ago today, I...
1) ...was absolutely flummoxed the Terminator got voted governor, as I had the good sense to vote for Larry Flynt.
2) ...still sucked at bowling.
3) ...just beginning to get over three years ago and going out at night like a normal single reasonably attractive man. Shut up, I am.
So far this year, I...
1) ...have loved and lost.
2) ...have nearly doubled my bowling average.
3) ...have given in and bought a cell phone I am now addicted to as I slowly become everything I ever hated this time last year. "Ew! People dating! HEY! Get off the cell phone so I can buy this vodka! Grr! Argh!"
Yesterday, I...
1) ...heard my dad cry for the first time in almost forever because a distant aunt died, and it shook me.
2) ...called up local hotels to figure out where the Project New Year's Eve Mayhem party I'm--hosting, for lack of a better term--could be held within reasonable price with proximity to work (working the International Auto Show probably both Eve & Day like last year).
3) ...spell-checked most of the novel to this point, took out something old and put in a new scene.
Today, I....
1) ...bought an Eric B. & Rakim comp CD, though I was rrrrrreally tempted to buy this Duffman vest-type-thing.
2) ...downloaded Liz Phair's cover of "Turning Japanese".
3) ...got a surprising $20 from my mom, the first free money I've gotten from her since the job kicked in. DEFINITELY the first since I started paying rent.
Tomorrow, I...
1) ...plan to use Mom's $20 to start a grass-roots investment in a major international company. Now, who makes Heineken?
2) ...am going to get down, and hopefully my revenge for the massive cockblockery that was this year's 9/11.
3) ...plan to use my last day off of the week to cram as much college football in as the clicker will allow. And hopefully win this Tribe anthology CD off eBay.
Final thoughts. Butch at 15?
"Who needs action when you've got words?" Kurt Cobain.
Ah, a particular favorite. Butch at 20, get after it.
"Can't nobody break my stride. Can't nobody hold me down. Oh, no. I got to keep on movin'..."
Hey, I wasn't fully cynical yet. 22-year-old Butch, bum everybody out.
"I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain--the only thing that's real."
Things'll get better, playa. Wait until you hear the Johnny Cash version. That reminds me--you'll like Johnny Cash. Sensible shoe Butch?
"Love ain't the answer, nor is it work. The truth eludes me so much it hurts. But I'm still having fun, and I guess that's the key. I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me."
Ambient music: Gin Blossoms - Day Job
This here from Gwen. Who got it from Jason. Who got it from Grant. Who was a key grip on Wild Things WITH...you guessed it, Kevin Bacon.
10 years ago today, I...
1) ...was 15.
2) ...living at the last place I lived before this one.
3) ...beginning to settle in and feel comfortable at high school; as comfortable as one can feel given it's high school.
5 years ago today, I...
1) ...was plowing through my first go-round at community college to moderate success.
2) ...was taking English from the Lewis Black of teaching, someone who will get their due if the novel ever comes.
3) ...was convinced this Y2K thing was going to be a gateway to guilt-free looting. (Stupid lying government.)
3 years ago today, I...
1) ... was back here.
2) ...would've been clinically depressed if someone offical had been around to diagnose me, and borderline suicidal.
3) ...was seriously debating whether or not to flee to Canada. I still think I might.
A year ago today, I...
1) ...was absolutely flummoxed the Terminator got voted governor, as I had the good sense to vote for Larry Flynt.
2) ...still sucked at bowling.
3) ...just beginning to get over three years ago and going out at night like a normal single reasonably attractive man. Shut up, I am.
So far this year, I...
1) ...have loved and lost.
2) ...have nearly doubled my bowling average.
3) ...have given in and bought a cell phone I am now addicted to as I slowly become everything I ever hated this time last year. "Ew! People dating! HEY! Get off the cell phone so I can buy this vodka! Grr! Argh!"
Yesterday, I...
1) ...heard my dad cry for the first time in almost forever because a distant aunt died, and it shook me.
2) ...called up local hotels to figure out where the Project New Year's Eve Mayhem party I'm--hosting, for lack of a better term--could be held within reasonable price with proximity to work (working the International Auto Show probably both Eve & Day like last year).
3) ...spell-checked most of the novel to this point, took out something old and put in a new scene.
Today, I....
1) ...bought an Eric B. & Rakim comp CD, though I was rrrrrreally tempted to buy this Duffman vest-type-thing.
2) ...downloaded Liz Phair's cover of "Turning Japanese".
3) ...got a surprising $20 from my mom, the first free money I've gotten from her since the job kicked in. DEFINITELY the first since I started paying rent.
Tomorrow, I...
1) ...plan to use Mom's $20 to start a grass-roots investment in a major international company. Now, who makes Heineken?
2) ...am going to get down, and hopefully my revenge for the massive cockblockery that was this year's 9/11.
3) ...plan to use my last day off of the week to cram as much college football in as the clicker will allow. And hopefully win this Tribe anthology CD off eBay.
Final thoughts. Butch at 15?
"Who needs action when you've got words?" Kurt Cobain.
Ah, a particular favorite. Butch at 20, get after it.
"Can't nobody break my stride. Can't nobody hold me down. Oh, no. I got to keep on movin'..."
Hey, I wasn't fully cynical yet. 22-year-old Butch, bum everybody out.
"I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain--the only thing that's real."
Things'll get better, playa. Wait until you hear the Johnny Cash version. That reminds me--you'll like Johnny Cash. Sensible shoe Butch?
"Love ain't the answer, nor is it work. The truth eludes me so much it hurts. But I'm still having fun, and I guess that's the key. I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me."
Ambient music: Gin Blossoms - Day Job
10/5/04
the Sort Of Intellectual Discourse Usually Reserved For Stodgy Old White Guys On Public Television
This is the awesome thing about my friends: they are all more compassionate and smarter than I.
This means we can have discussions about everything from organized religion to cleavage, sometimes in the span of five minutes.
Since I know what brings in the hits:
Two male friends have a platonic female friend.
Platform A states that the friend's cleavage is nice, and asthetically pleasing on a number of levels.
To counterpoint, Platform B is of the opinion this being a platonic female friend both are very tight with, to ogle her in such a fashion for any reason and any substantial length of time is disturbing and possibly borderline incestual.
So, I leave it to you, the PGE reader: who's right (if anyone, or is it both)?
Ambient music: Blur - Tender
This means we can have discussions about everything from organized religion to cleavage, sometimes in the span of five minutes.
Since I know what brings in the hits:
Two male friends have a platonic female friend.
Platform A states that the friend's cleavage is nice, and asthetically pleasing on a number of levels.
To counterpoint, Platform B is of the opinion this being a platonic female friend both are very tight with, to ogle her in such a fashion for any reason and any substantial length of time is disturbing and possibly borderline incestual.
So, I leave it to you, the PGE reader: who's right (if anyone, or is it both)?
Ambient music: Blur - Tender
10/2/04
Starfuckers Inc.: October '04
Get Away From Me, Bitch!:
Maria Menonous, 16; Anna Kournikova, 18; Alyssa Milano, 20; Cameron Diaz, 22
25) Jennifer Garner (last month 24, peak same)
24) Victoria Silvstedt (debut)
23) Beyonce Knowles (19/4)
22) Heidi Klum (11/10)
21) Gloria Velez (debut)
20) Sarah Chalke (both 17)
19) Halle Berry (re-entry/18)
18) Natalie Portman (both 8)
17) Jamie Pressly (15/7)
16) Carmen Electra (9/5)
15) Rebecca Romijn (re-entry/15)
14) Kitana Baker (both 14)
13) Gail Kim (both 13)
12) Pam Anderson (21/12)
11) Jennifer Walcott (25/11)
10) Josie Maran (12/10)
09) Vida Guerra (23/6)
08) Kristanna Loken (10/8)
07) Eliza Dushku (7/3)
06) Adriana Lima (6/3)
05) Lindsay Lohan (4/3)
04) Angelina Jolie (3/1)
03) Brooke Burke (2/1)
02) Jessica Alba (both 1)
01) Trish Stratus (5/1)
Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Rascal King
Maria Menonous, 16; Anna Kournikova, 18; Alyssa Milano, 20; Cameron Diaz, 22
25) Jennifer Garner (last month 24, peak same)
24) Victoria Silvstedt (debut)
23) Beyonce Knowles (19/4)
22) Heidi Klum (11/10)
21) Gloria Velez (debut)
20) Sarah Chalke (both 17)
19) Halle Berry (re-entry/18)
18) Natalie Portman (both 8)
17) Jamie Pressly (15/7)
16) Carmen Electra (9/5)
15) Rebecca Romijn (re-entry/15)
14) Kitana Baker (both 14)
13) Gail Kim (both 13)
12) Pam Anderson (21/12)
11) Jennifer Walcott (25/11)
10) Josie Maran (12/10)
09) Vida Guerra (23/6)
08) Kristanna Loken (10/8)
07) Eliza Dushku (7/3)
06) Adriana Lima (6/3)
05) Lindsay Lohan (4/3)
04) Angelina Jolie (3/1)
03) Brooke Burke (2/1)
02) Jessica Alba (both 1)
01) Trish Stratus (5/1)
Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Rascal King
Rosser Top Ten
Obit: Slow Motion, 9
To whoever asked last week, "1985" is #11. And yes, this is the first time this has happened.
(10) Ciara ft. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (debut)*
(09) Black Eyed Peas --> Let's Get Retarded (7)
(08) Beastie Boys --> Triple Trouble (8)
(07) Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (4)
(06) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon --> Culo (5)
(05) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (1)
(04) Kanye West --> Jesus Walks (2)
(03) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (6)*
(02) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (3)*
(01) Green Day --> American Idiot (10) [2w]
Ambient music: Garbage - Queer
To whoever asked last week, "1985" is #11. And yes, this is the first time this has happened.
(10) Ciara ft. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (debut)*
(09) Black Eyed Peas --> Let's Get Retarded (7)
(08) Beastie Boys --> Triple Trouble (8)
(07) Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (4)
(06) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon --> Culo (5)
(05) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (1)
(04) Kanye West --> Jesus Walks (2)
(03) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (6)*
(02) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (3)*
(01) Green Day --> American Idiot (10) [2w]
Ambient music: Garbage - Queer
9/25/04
Ain't Life A Mystery, Yeah
Awwwwright.
Got the big TV hooked up in half an hour. Took a little longer to hook up the comp, and I need to find out why my speakers won't play.
But other than that, and completely changing the look of my bedroom, the kid is back.
Onward and upward.
Got the big TV hooked up in half an hour. Took a little longer to hook up the comp, and I need to find out why my speakers won't play.
But other than that, and completely changing the look of my bedroom, the kid is back.
Onward and upward.
9/23/04
Mercedes Ruehl and A Rented Lear
My day off yesterday was 9 off-and-mostly-on hours of me moving everything in my room. I found a AP referral from '96. We had seven bags worth of stuff for Goodwill and I got to move it all out myself. After four and a half hours of sleep my mom woke me up to do six minutes of moving stuff in the bathroom (was our life really incomplete without bathroom carpeting?). And if you wonder why I didn't roll over and go back to sleep, you're lucky enough to have not met my mother.
So of course, I can't go back to sleep now, and it's not exactly like I have to work 8.5 stagger home when Letterman's interviewing his first guest and move the shit back into my room. And then spend tomorrow putting everything non-essential back in the room.
Someone remind me why matricide's illegal again.
hello it's me I'm not at home if you'd like to reach me leave me alone...
Ambient music: Travis covering "Baby One More Time" live & acoustic
So of course, I can't go back to sleep now, and it's not exactly like I have to work 8.5 stagger home when Letterman's interviewing his first guest and move the shit back into my room. And then spend tomorrow putting everything non-essential back in the room.
Someone remind me why matricide's illegal again.
hello it's me I'm not at home if you'd like to reach me leave me alone...
Ambient music: Travis covering "Baby One More Time" live & acoustic
9/18/04
Pocket 10
Obits: "99 Problems", 8; "Walk Idiot Walk", 9
(10) Green Day --> American Idiot (debut)*
(09) Juvenile --> Slow Motion (7)
(08) Beastie Boys --> Triple Trouble (6)
(07) Black Eyed Peas --> Let's Get Retarded (1)
(06) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (10)*
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon --> Culo (4)
(04) Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (5)*
(03) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (debut)*
(02) Kanye West --> Jesus Walks (3)*
(01) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Talking Heads - And She Was
(10) Green Day --> American Idiot (debut)*
(09) Juvenile --> Slow Motion (7)
(08) Beastie Boys --> Triple Trouble (6)
(07) Black Eyed Peas --> Let's Get Retarded (1)
(06) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (10)*
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon --> Culo (4)
(04) Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (5)*
(03) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (debut)*
(02) Kanye West --> Jesus Walks (3)*
(01) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Talking Heads - And She Was
9/13/04
The Week That Was Since The Last Post
Ahhhhhh...fun to be off again. Nothing beats waking up at the crack of 10. Kids, don't let them tell you any different.
My fantasy football team won. 619? 1 and 0! In a stirring bit of Morrissettian irony Rob said I was crazy trading Dillon, Santana, Portis & Aaron Brooks for LT & McNair, then lost to the team I traded them to. Now let's all point and laugh at HIM! HA-ha! Had to drop Charles Rogers (dammit) so I picked up another Tennessee receiver to double points when McCyborg throws, Bledsoe for the bye week, and Eddie Kennison to run WR. The guy I traded with, Aaron, I am of course playing next week. He's not starting Santana Moss. Against the Chargers. *raises eyebrow*
Action Sports was in town, and this year thanks to my new "Bond camera" I got some pictures of the various babes in the joint. The next one in January cannot get here fast enough if you ask me.
Eli Manning won't need a watch for Christmas, 'cause he just clocked. And clocked. This is God punishing you for not coming to San Diego, punk-ass buster.
Anyway, you should start looking for Matt's comprehensive football reports week by week at TJD. It's so good it's almost like he does this for a living.
Audi.
Ambient music: Weezer - Say It Ain't So
My fantasy football team won. 619? 1 and 0! In a stirring bit of Morrissettian irony Rob said I was crazy trading Dillon, Santana, Portis & Aaron Brooks for LT & McNair, then lost to the team I traded them to. Now let's all point and laugh at HIM! HA-ha! Had to drop Charles Rogers (dammit) so I picked up another Tennessee receiver to double points when McCyborg throws, Bledsoe for the bye week, and Eddie Kennison to run WR. The guy I traded with, Aaron, I am of course playing next week. He's not starting Santana Moss. Against the Chargers. *raises eyebrow*
Action Sports was in town, and this year thanks to my new "Bond camera" I got some pictures of the various babes in the joint. The next one in January cannot get here fast enough if you ask me.
Eli Manning won't need a watch for Christmas, 'cause he just clocked. And clocked. This is God punishing you for not coming to San Diego, punk-ass buster.
Anyway, you should start looking for Matt's comprehensive football reports week by week at TJD. It's so good it's almost like he does this for a living.
Audi.
Ambient music: Weezer - Say It Ain't So
9/6/04
Well He's Back dunna nunna nunna nunna nunna
According to reports, the "new season" of Jeopardy starts up today. PGE faithful and those of you who don't get your mail sent c/o Van Down By the River know what THAT means: Ken Jennings.
For you Matt Foleys, Ken Jennings ate Jeopardy alive over the summer like a Weight Watchers client having a relapse at a Dairy Queen. The Mormon computer engineers current tally stands at 38 games in a row and $1,321,660.
The big question: will he last the next two weeks before a pre-programmed tournament? SUBquestion: is he going to be the entire Tournament of Champions?
So grab a beer, a BBQed rib, and watch history in the making tonight.
Ambient music: Diddy, Busta, & Pharrell - Pass the Courvosier
For you Matt Foleys, Ken Jennings ate Jeopardy alive over the summer like a Weight Watchers client having a relapse at a Dairy Queen. The Mormon computer engineers current tally stands at 38 games in a row and $1,321,660.
The big question: will he last the next two weeks before a pre-programmed tournament? SUBquestion: is he going to be the entire Tournament of Champions?
So grab a beer, a BBQed rib, and watch history in the making tonight.
Ambient music: Diddy, Busta, & Pharrell - Pass the Courvosier
9/4/04
Village Voice/Pocket 10
****.
It's an M. Night film: there's a Swerve and there's a Real Swerve and to talk about them pretty much ruins the flick. You should get the Swerve. The Real Swerve is sort of brilliant and the fact I came close to figuring it out but not quite angers me greatly. I like the underlying storyline about humanity slash lack thereof. William Hunt's really good. It won't break my top 3 but will probably get a place in my top 10 at the end of the year.
= = = = = = = = = =
Seeing a current best friend meet the old best friend is a real Back to the Future moment.
= = = = = = = = = =
Obits: "Take Me Out", 8; "Mass Destruction", 9; "Float On", 10
(10) the Killers => Somebody Told Me (debut)*
(09) the Hives => Walk Idiot Walk (6)
(08) Jay-Z => 99 Problems (7)
(07) Juvenile => Slow Motion (2)
(06) Beastie Boys => Triple Trouble (debut)*
(05) Jadakiss f. Anthony Hamilton => Why (debut)*
(04) Pitbull f. Lil' Jon => Culo (5)*
(03) Kanye West => Jesus Walks (4)*
(02) Maroon 5 => She Will Be Loved (3)*
(01) Black Eyed Peas => Let's Get Retarded (1) [6w]
Ambient music: the Doors - Roadhouse Blues
It's an M. Night film: there's a Swerve and there's a Real Swerve and to talk about them pretty much ruins the flick. You should get the Swerve. The Real Swerve is sort of brilliant and the fact I came close to figuring it out but not quite angers me greatly. I like the underlying storyline about humanity slash lack thereof. William Hunt's really good. It won't break my top 3 but will probably get a place in my top 10 at the end of the year.
= = = = = = = = = =
Seeing a current best friend meet the old best friend is a real Back to the Future moment.
= = = = = = = = = =
Obits: "Take Me Out", 8; "Mass Destruction", 9; "Float On", 10
(10) the Killers => Somebody Told Me (debut)*
(09) the Hives => Walk Idiot Walk (6)
(08) Jay-Z => 99 Problems (7)
(07) Juvenile => Slow Motion (2)
(06) Beastie Boys => Triple Trouble (debut)*
(05) Jadakiss f. Anthony Hamilton => Why (debut)*
(04) Pitbull f. Lil' Jon => Culo (5)*
(03) Kanye West => Jesus Walks (4)*
(02) Maroon 5 => She Will Be Loved (3)*
(01) Black Eyed Peas => Let's Get Retarded (1) [6w]
Ambient music: the Doors - Roadhouse Blues
9/2/04
Starfuckers Inc.: September '04
Security!:
Christina Aguilera, 13; Stacy Keibler, 16; Monica Bellucci, 17; Halle Berry, 18; Kim Smith, 20; Rebecca Romijn, 24
25) Jennifer Walcott (debut)
24) Jennifer Garner (last month 24, peak 24)
23) Vida Guerra (10, p6)
22) Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
21) Pam Anderson (debut)
20) Alyssa Milano (re-entry, 12)
19) Beyonce Knowles (11, 4)
18) Anna Kournikova (23, 7)
17) Sarah Chalke (debut)
16) Maria Menounos (19, 8)
15) Jamie Pressly (7, 7)
14) Kitana Baker (22, 14)
13) Gail Kim (re-entry, 13)
12) Josie Maran (12, 12)
11) Heidi Klum (15, 10)
10) Kristanna Loken (9, 9)
09) Carmen Electra (14, 5)
08) Natalie Portman (debut)
07) Eliza Dushku (8, 3)
06) Adriana Lima (5, 3)
05) Trish Stratus (3, 1)
04) Lindsay Lohan (4, 3)
03) Angelina Jolie (1, 1)
02) Brooke Burke (2, 1)
01) Jessica Alba (6, 1)
Ambient music: the Clash - Death Or Glory
Christina Aguilera, 13; Stacy Keibler, 16; Monica Bellucci, 17; Halle Berry, 18; Kim Smith, 20; Rebecca Romijn, 24
25) Jennifer Walcott (debut)
24) Jennifer Garner (last month 24, peak 24)
23) Vida Guerra (10, p6)
22) Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
21) Pam Anderson (debut)
20) Alyssa Milano (re-entry, 12)
19) Beyonce Knowles (11, 4)
18) Anna Kournikova (23, 7)
17) Sarah Chalke (debut)
16) Maria Menounos (19, 8)
15) Jamie Pressly (7, 7)
14) Kitana Baker (22, 14)
13) Gail Kim (re-entry, 13)
12) Josie Maran (12, 12)
11) Heidi Klum (15, 10)
10) Kristanna Loken (9, 9)
09) Carmen Electra (14, 5)
08) Natalie Portman (debut)
07) Eliza Dushku (8, 3)
06) Adriana Lima (5, 3)
05) Trish Stratus (3, 1)
04) Lindsay Lohan (4, 3)
03) Angelina Jolie (1, 1)
02) Brooke Burke (2, 1)
01) Jessica Alba (6, 1)
Ambient music: the Clash - Death Or Glory
8/28/04
To Quote A Wise Abstract...
oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.
Chris Bridges--known to y'all as Ludacris but we tight like that (dodging lightning bolt...now)--asked after a few songs if we were tired. I was a little bit then. I really am now that the 40 oz. of Mountain Dew it took me 10 minutes to drink removed itself in 1/100th the time and the adrenaline rush is starting to dwindle and cause me to crash.
But he did nothing wrong. It was just an Angus burger right after a bunch of us had filet mignon off a supermodel's ass, and well, it was a unwinnable situation.
It started at 6. I went a little earlier than I thought I would, and as a result the Killers played the hors d'oeuvere of my muscial meal. When it went well, "Indie Rock & Roll", "All These Things That I've Done" and the DAMN IT TO PUS-SPEWING BLOOD-GUTTED HELL catchy "Somebody Told Me", it held my attention. And when it didn't, I looked at girls. So, fine job by the Killers. Sometimes. 6.
After that, it was shortly time for the Black Eyed Peas. They did "Joints & Jams", but not "Request Line" which surprised the hell out of me due to Fergie. Speaking of which: black sports bra with K-Day on it, red jacket opened all the way, plaid pants she must've stolen from Avril Lavigne. Very few ex-strippers can sing but she p...she's NOT? Could've fooled the fuck out of me, by "Hey Mama" I was ready to divest myself of some ones. And, of course, MY PANTS. Yes, you're funny. Go have a cupcake. Anyway, it was heavy on Elephunk, fuck Bush talk, and a nice close-out with some drawnout "Let's Get Retarded" & "Where Is The Love?" Fergie climbed the side scaffold a little and made sweet love to it, so I guess it was there. 8.
Luda did a one-man hit parade and threw in "Growing Pains", "Bia Bia" and his "Holidae In" & "YEAH!" hooks. His DJ used the hook from "Run's House", so fucking A. Still, though... 7.
Now, I'm missing something key in the middle, post-Peas, pre-Luda. I'll pause while you put the kids to bed.
(hums)
(looks)
(hums)
For a few years now, I have believed George Clinton & the P-Funk All-Stars was the best concert I have ever gone to. They went damn near five hours. The cops had to shut it down at 2 in the morning. People walked out into the night yelling "Ain't no partay like a P-Funk partay cause a P-Funk party don't stooooooop!" after having done so for the last ten minutes when the instruments were forcibly deplugged by the police. Plus, all the hits went on for like fifteen minutes each.
So you can see why I thought that.
This is what happens at 9:12 Pacific Standard Time, August 27th, 2004.
A Tribe Called Quest proceeds to, so far, make my year. And possibly my decade.
You know that VMA from like two years ago when GnR reunited and they teased it through the show and you got all amped up and then they did their medley of stuff and you realized you'd just bought the blue and white box that said CORN FLAKES instead of the good one with Kellogg's and the rooster on it?
This WAS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT. It was so good that in the first ten minutes I became deathly afraid of two things: suffering a heart attack that was going to cause me to miss the rest of this, and busting a nut.
Oh, it was that good.
Right off the outset, they kicked my ass. Then, they kicked my ass. This was followed by a review of the old minutes; namely, kicking my ass. From there it was on to the new minutes--"Bonita Applebum"; i.e., more ways to kick my ass. I've been looking for ways to describe just how fucking awesome this was without falling back on the overused "transcendant" but it keeps breaking down to cliches: sweeter than your memories of first love (though considering one of the participants, sweeter than Ben & Jerry might be more applicable), doper than Tyrone Biggums, fresher than your grandmama's fried chicken recpie, hyper than Heidenreich, sicker than a leper, phatter than the Farm...
....suffice to say, if I ever have sex with Jessica Alba & Brooke Burke and they come dressed as a stern teacher and a naughty Catholic schoolgirl, it will be the Tribe Called Quest show of flagrante delecto. Did I mention the encore started off with that Lou Reed "Walk On the Wild Side" hook ["Can I Kick It?"] and went right into "Award Tour" & "Scenario"? (Add chocolate syrup to that dream threeway up there.)
Fun side part about the New Best Show Of All-Time, the First: I loved the RHCP Labor Day I went to a few years ago because there was such a communal atmosphere. Probably because of all the weed, but still. (Side to the aside: got offered five times, and reluctantly passed ALL of them. I love my weed...but not as much as I love money. The End.) THIS was on that level, except far more people. Everyone seemed not just happy and hyped, but overjoyed they got this moment; I heard from a number of people as I walked around riding numerous demographic and social strata that this was The Reason they showed up. A bunch of college kids who probably didn't have this much fun since they thought Santa was real just giving in to the sheer force of awesome the moment projected.
FSPAtNBSOA-T, the Second: Everyone yelling QUEST! QUEST! QUEST! They come out for the encore, and the Lou Reed hook goes on. I was talking to a guy before it started (we'd been in the Peas show and moved up front as the idiots left when they finished) and we both started talking ATCQ and how great this was going to be and how I was going to lose my shit when they did "Award Tour". The hook goes on, and we both scream. Like white bitches in a scary movie. It gets better. "Award Tour" comes up, and we're both jumping up and down and hitting each other in the chest and having TRL markouts. I mean, practically on the verge of tears. Keep in mind we are grown men and this is not a playoffs situation. But we're flipping like we're on a spatula. I still don't know that guy's name.
But fucking "Award Tour", man.
And the Third: the Peas were supposed to sign autographs of their stuff once they'd vacated the stage. Apparently, they didn't, because they were just off-stage watching Quest. And by watching, I mean dancing. Fergie & Will.I.Am had the biggest stupid grins on their face throughout.
They almost matched mine.
So, other than the Low End Theory shirt costing $30 (which I'm sure I'll regret at some point--just not any time soon) this was a success with a capital HERE WE GO YO HERE WE GO YO SO WHAT SO WHAT SO WHAT'S THE SCENARIO. I mean, I could go see P.O.D., Cypress Hill & the Foo Fighters there after work tomorrow, but after the first Quest show since first-term Bubba and the only Westside show...what's the point?
Boy, work in 10½ is going to be interesting...
Ambient music: Talking Heads - Take Me To the River (Al Green)
Chris Bridges--known to y'all as Ludacris but we tight like that (dodging lightning bolt...now)--asked after a few songs if we were tired. I was a little bit then. I really am now that the 40 oz. of Mountain Dew it took me 10 minutes to drink removed itself in 1/100th the time and the adrenaline rush is starting to dwindle and cause me to crash.
But he did nothing wrong. It was just an Angus burger right after a bunch of us had filet mignon off a supermodel's ass, and well, it was a unwinnable situation.
It started at 6. I went a little earlier than I thought I would, and as a result the Killers played the hors d'oeuvere of my muscial meal. When it went well, "Indie Rock & Roll", "All These Things That I've Done" and the DAMN IT TO PUS-SPEWING BLOOD-GUTTED HELL catchy "Somebody Told Me", it held my attention. And when it didn't, I looked at girls. So, fine job by the Killers. Sometimes. 6.
After that, it was shortly time for the Black Eyed Peas. They did "Joints & Jams", but not "Request Line" which surprised the hell out of me due to Fergie. Speaking of which: black sports bra with K-Day on it, red jacket opened all the way, plaid pants she must've stolen from Avril Lavigne. Very few ex-strippers can sing but she p...she's NOT? Could've fooled the fuck out of me, by "Hey Mama" I was ready to divest myself of some ones. And, of course, MY PANTS. Yes, you're funny. Go have a cupcake. Anyway, it was heavy on Elephunk, fuck Bush talk, and a nice close-out with some drawnout "Let's Get Retarded" & "Where Is The Love?" Fergie climbed the side scaffold a little and made sweet love to it, so I guess it was there. 8.
Luda did a one-man hit parade and threw in "Growing Pains", "Bia Bia" and his "Holidae In" & "YEAH!" hooks. His DJ used the hook from "Run's House", so fucking A. Still, though... 7.
Now, I'm missing something key in the middle, post-Peas, pre-Luda. I'll pause while you put the kids to bed.
(hums)
(looks)
(hums)
For a few years now, I have believed George Clinton & the P-Funk All-Stars was the best concert I have ever gone to. They went damn near five hours. The cops had to shut it down at 2 in the morning. People walked out into the night yelling "Ain't no partay like a P-Funk partay cause a P-Funk party don't stooooooop!" after having done so for the last ten minutes when the instruments were forcibly deplugged by the police. Plus, all the hits went on for like fifteen minutes each.
So you can see why I thought that.
This is what happens at 9:12 Pacific Standard Time, August 27th, 2004.
A Tribe Called Quest proceeds to, so far, make my year. And possibly my decade.
You know that VMA from like two years ago when GnR reunited and they teased it through the show and you got all amped up and then they did their medley of stuff and you realized you'd just bought the blue and white box that said CORN FLAKES instead of the good one with Kellogg's and the rooster on it?
This WAS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT. It was so good that in the first ten minutes I became deathly afraid of two things: suffering a heart attack that was going to cause me to miss the rest of this, and busting a nut.
Oh, it was that good.
Right off the outset, they kicked my ass. Then, they kicked my ass. This was followed by a review of the old minutes; namely, kicking my ass. From there it was on to the new minutes--"Bonita Applebum"; i.e., more ways to kick my ass. I've been looking for ways to describe just how fucking awesome this was without falling back on the overused "transcendant" but it keeps breaking down to cliches: sweeter than your memories of first love (though considering one of the participants, sweeter than Ben & Jerry might be more applicable), doper than Tyrone Biggums, fresher than your grandmama's fried chicken recpie, hyper than Heidenreich, sicker than a leper, phatter than the Farm...
....suffice to say, if I ever have sex with Jessica Alba & Brooke Burke and they come dressed as a stern teacher and a naughty Catholic schoolgirl, it will be the Tribe Called Quest show of flagrante delecto. Did I mention the encore started off with that Lou Reed "Walk On the Wild Side" hook ["Can I Kick It?"] and went right into "Award Tour" & "Scenario"? (Add chocolate syrup to that dream threeway up there.)
Fun side part about the New Best Show Of All-Time, the First: I loved the RHCP Labor Day I went to a few years ago because there was such a communal atmosphere. Probably because of all the weed, but still. (Side to the aside: got offered five times, and reluctantly passed ALL of them. I love my weed...but not as much as I love money. The End.) THIS was on that level, except far more people. Everyone seemed not just happy and hyped, but overjoyed they got this moment; I heard from a number of people as I walked around riding numerous demographic and social strata that this was The Reason they showed up. A bunch of college kids who probably didn't have this much fun since they thought Santa was real just giving in to the sheer force of awesome the moment projected.
FSPAtNBSOA-T, the Second: Everyone yelling QUEST! QUEST! QUEST! They come out for the encore, and the Lou Reed hook goes on. I was talking to a guy before it started (we'd been in the Peas show and moved up front as the idiots left when they finished) and we both started talking ATCQ and how great this was going to be and how I was going to lose my shit when they did "Award Tour". The hook goes on, and we both scream. Like white bitches in a scary movie. It gets better. "Award Tour" comes up, and we're both jumping up and down and hitting each other in the chest and having TRL markouts. I mean, practically on the verge of tears. Keep in mind we are grown men and this is not a playoffs situation. But we're flipping like we're on a spatula. I still don't know that guy's name.
But fucking "Award Tour", man.
And the Third: the Peas were supposed to sign autographs of their stuff once they'd vacated the stage. Apparently, they didn't, because they were just off-stage watching Quest. And by watching, I mean dancing. Fergie & Will.I.Am had the biggest stupid grins on their face throughout.
They almost matched mine.
So, other than the Low End Theory shirt costing $30 (which I'm sure I'll regret at some point--just not any time soon) this was a success with a capital HERE WE GO YO HERE WE GO YO SO WHAT SO WHAT SO WHAT'S THE SCENARIO. I mean, I could go see P.O.D., Cypress Hill & the Foo Fighters there after work tomorrow, but after the first Quest show since first-term Bubba and the only Westside show...what's the point?
Boy, work in 10½ is going to be interesting...
Ambient music: Talking Heads - Take Me To the River (Al Green)
8/26/04
Plus Nobody I Know Got Killed In South Central L.A....
- Despite being off for a whole week, got up 10 MINUTES AHEAD of the alarm.
- Only had a six-hour shift, and the church people present weren't overly preachy.
- Got to stun and amaze fellow coworkers with my Saturday night story, which due to Watergate memory loss as a result of all the fun I don't think I can write about fully. I will hit the highpoints: best club in town, bachelorette party, and 14 beers in two hours.
- Got a certificate of appreciation for $50 from The Man for free groceries! I smell Homer Simpson Night III!
- Found a place where not only you can cook your own meat but hot babes will be there wearing all black. And just scored a free entree from them, with a one-day advance ticket purchase to Street Scene '04.
- ON TOP OF the free meal where you can see a bigger-breasted Natalie Portman in stockings (and sweet pappy johnson with an erection am I looking forward to THAT), I will be seeing the following artists tomorrow: the Black Eyed Peas (is a I PAID TO SEE FERGIE'S ABS sign inappropriate?), the reunited A Tribe Called Quest in their ONLY West Coast appearance (WHO ARE YOU TO DOUBT KHALID GREENE'S #1 CHOICE?!) and, oh, yes, some little indy guy from the south called Ludacris who may make something of himself yet.
- And the Old 97's are coming to town.
Can I get a HELL YEAH from the congregation?!
Ambient music: Mos Def - Close Edge (from Chappelle's Show)
8/21/04
Garden State Of Mind
*****.
Holy hell, did that just kick my fucking ass and pimp me out on the corner for weed money. I am full-on in love with Natalie Portman now. The soundtrack's a gots-to-have. I nominate the M E T H O D man for Best Supporting Actor now, by the way. Five more minutes and I would've left crying like a little bitch. So far, my Best-Movie-Of-'04-That-ISN'T-Volume-2, juuuuuuuuuust ahead of Spidey II. I recommend this so much I'd pay full price to see it again. And will probably do so this week.
Ambient music: Prince - Let's Go Crazy
Holy hell, did that just kick my fucking ass and pimp me out on the corner for weed money. I am full-on in love with Natalie Portman now. The soundtrack's a gots-to-have. I nominate the M E T H O D man for Best Supporting Actor now, by the way. Five more minutes and I would've left crying like a little bitch. So far, my Best-Movie-Of-'04-That-ISN'T-Volume-2, juuuuuuuuuust ahead of Spidey II. I recommend this so much I'd pay full price to see it again. And will probably do so this week.
Ambient music: Prince - Let's Go Crazy
You Say I'm Overdue For This, I Say You're Overdue For Some...
My mouth tastes like the inside of something that should have a eulogy done for it; namely lime and Corona, which means I had another ep of DWB (Drinking While Black).
There is nothing to make a man feel more uncool than to be 25, single, and at a desolate laundromat on a Friday night. So once I got home I stimulated my cell. (UNTRUE, in retrospect: the moment the car made the 3 block journey home I was texting like Farnsworth Bentley) So me & my googlelicious friend Aaron go to this bar in PB to meet his sister and their friend or some such; I just needed to Not Be In The House. And I get a phone call that bums him out, which depresses me 'cause I'm in the mist of making new drinking buddies and whatnot.
Now I'm looking at this business card a girl named Cynthia with a hot friend named Veronica left me. Cynthia is a prototypical naughty librarian: glasses, brunette with long hair, tig ol' bitties. I was trying to lean her towards Aaron 'cause of his "WHEN LORD WHEN" look but we just happened to get along better. Partially due to the natural gregariousness and partially due to the sweet, suhweet nectar of the Latino gods. I'm so tempted to call. We'll see what happens at the club in a few hours I guess and then I'll reassess the option(s). Mmm...naughty librarian. Church.
There's a midget getting naked on Stern which if nothing else is a sign to toetag this fucker...
Ambient music: Hayseed Dixie - Back In Black
There is nothing to make a man feel more uncool than to be 25, single, and at a desolate laundromat on a Friday night. So once I got home I stimulated my cell. (UNTRUE, in retrospect: the moment the car made the 3 block journey home I was texting like Farnsworth Bentley) So me & my googlelicious friend Aaron go to this bar in PB to meet his sister and their friend or some such; I just needed to Not Be In The House. And I get a phone call that bums him out, which depresses me 'cause I'm in the mist of making new drinking buddies and whatnot.
Now I'm looking at this business card a girl named Cynthia with a hot friend named Veronica left me. Cynthia is a prototypical naughty librarian: glasses, brunette with long hair, tig ol' bitties. I was trying to lean her towards Aaron 'cause of his "WHEN LORD WHEN" look but we just happened to get along better. Partially due to the natural gregariousness and partially due to the sweet, suhweet nectar of the Latino gods. I'm so tempted to call. We'll see what happens at the club in a few hours I guess and then I'll reassess the option(s). Mmm...naughty librarian. Church.
There's a midget getting naked on Stern which if nothing else is a sign to toetag this fucker...
Ambient music: Hayseed Dixie - Back In Black
Pocket 10
Obit: "Talk Shows On Mute", 10
(10) Modest Mouse => Float On (9)
(09) Faithless => Mass Destruction (7)
(08) Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (6)
(07) Jay-Z => 99 Problems (2)
(06) the Hives => Walk Idiot Walk (5)
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon => Culo (debut)*
(04) Kanye West => Jesus Walks (3)
(03) Maroon 5 => She Will Be Loved (8)*
(02) Juvenile => Slow Motion (4)*
(01) Black Eyed Peas => Let's Get Retarded (1) [1m]
Ambient music: Incubus - Nice To Know You
(10) Modest Mouse => Float On (9)
(09) Faithless => Mass Destruction (7)
(08) Franz Ferdinand => Take Me Out (6)
(07) Jay-Z => 99 Problems (2)
(06) the Hives => Walk Idiot Walk (5)
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon => Culo (debut)*
(04) Kanye West => Jesus Walks (3)
(03) Maroon 5 => She Will Be Loved (8)*
(02) Juvenile => Slow Motion (4)*
(01) Black Eyed Peas => Let's Get Retarded (1) [1m]
Ambient music: Incubus - Nice To Know You
8/19/04
Surveillance Photos From the Biggest Con of Them All
Shout to the original husband of Lita, the H-Bomb. (Even if he thinks I should've asked for some digits or an e-mail from Iyari. Then I could've hugged some snakes! Yes! Hug and kiss some POISONOUS SNAKES!)
Here it is, BAM! And you say godDAMN, this is the dope jam...
I was not fooled by their stocky physiques. The news on the other hand...
1 (giant) carrot? GOLD!
I don't care: even WITH Slimer Beatrix would whup their asses
"You don't have any weapons in that bag, do you, sir?" "Me? Uh....no..."
Dear Michael Dupin,
Yes, I really do hate you.
Sincerely,
GOD
Joss wrote me out as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics! I was s'pose'da be the fourth nerd, Rufus...
Hey! A picture where I look dark!
Adam? Evil? Pfft, you give him a box of Nilla wafers and check the pearly whites.
www.robialamorte (is STILL damn fine).com
Friendly girl, but the restraining order from '97 isn't up until '07, sooooo...
Here's a sample. Now multiply that by about 800.
"Like a shot with that camera, you fanboy fuck."
First one to find Waldo wins
The family that nerds together...
"Is that Kristen Kreuk? Hey, just because my buddy's gay..."
Me to Cartoon Network representative: Thank God I'm not high right now.
"Dammit, I ordered the cross-cut! Send it back, send it back!"
"So 15,000 nerds walk into a bar..."
Who you gonna call? Probably Kitana if she'd left me a number. But here's a Ghostbuster!
With their season already in jeopardy, the Chargers call on a New York native to help them get back to glory...
Jennifer Tilly, in tight black leather. Nothing funny about that.
And Jennifer Tilly taking a picture of the guy's Chucky tattoo on his leg. No, seriously.
I even went through the trouble of changing into my street clothes, but Alba's security still recognized my voice. *sigh*
As a thank you to Rob, here's a pic of him wearing his favorite shirt.
"First one to reference Holy Grail loses." "Deal."
"So this ISN'T the chiropractor's convention? Oh, fuck this, then!"
Turn ons include peanut butter cups, brunettes, and intellectual discourse. Turnoffs include uggos and fatties.
So that'll do you.
Ambient music: Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
Here it is, BAM! And you say godDAMN, this is the dope jam...
I was not fooled by their stocky physiques. The news on the other hand...
1 (giant) carrot? GOLD!
I don't care: even WITH Slimer Beatrix would whup their asses
"You don't have any weapons in that bag, do you, sir?" "Me? Uh....no..."
Dear Michael Dupin,
Yes, I really do hate you.
Sincerely,
GOD
Joss wrote me out as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics! I was s'pose'da be the fourth nerd, Rufus...
Hey! A picture where I look dark!
Adam? Evil? Pfft, you give him a box of Nilla wafers and check the pearly whites.
www.robialamorte (is STILL damn fine).com
Friendly girl, but the restraining order from '97 isn't up until '07, sooooo...
Here's a sample. Now multiply that by about 800.
"Like a shot with that camera, you fanboy fuck."
First one to find Waldo wins
The family that nerds together...
"Is that Kristen Kreuk? Hey, just because my buddy's gay..."
Me to Cartoon Network representative: Thank God I'm not high right now.
"Dammit, I ordered the cross-cut! Send it back, send it back!"
"So 15,000 nerds walk into a bar..."
Who you gonna call? Probably Kitana if she'd left me a number. But here's a Ghostbuster!
With their season already in jeopardy, the Chargers call on a New York native to help them get back to glory...
Jennifer Tilly, in tight black leather. Nothing funny about that.
And Jennifer Tilly taking a picture of the guy's Chucky tattoo on his leg. No, seriously.
I even went through the trouble of changing into my street clothes, but Alba's security still recognized my voice. *sigh*
As a thank you to Rob, here's a pic of him wearing his favorite shirt.
"First one to reference Holy Grail loses." "Deal."
"So this ISN'T the chiropractor's convention? Oh, fuck this, then!"
Turn ons include peanut butter cups, brunettes, and intellectual discourse. Turnoffs include uggos and fatties.
So that'll do you.
Ambient music: Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains
8/17/04
Biggest Con of Them All Photo Appetizer
The reason Wiccans like Willow probly can't stand me
'Cause I know the shirt'll make Kennedy come out them panties, BITCH!
I passed tastes great and miserably failed at less filling
Is that a Chasing Amy poster in my bag or am I happy to see them?
Not pictured: the part where he cut off my left ear
More to come? Bet your ass.
Ambient music: Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine - Bullet The Blue Sky
'Cause I know the shirt'll make Kennedy come out them panties, BITCH!
I passed tastes great and miserably failed at less filling
Is that a Chasing Amy poster in my bag or am I happy to see them?
Not pictured: the part where he cut off my left ear
More to come? Bet your ass.
Ambient music: Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine - Bullet The Blue Sky
8/15/04
Destiny? Sorry, She's Off Tonight
the running Summerslam diary
I expected everything should be solid, except for Eddie/Kurt, which will give me a low-level workrategasm.
Pre-game fortune cookie: YOU HAVE A KIND AND GENEROUS HEART.
Me: I think it's time for you to maybe start doing your damn job. I think it's time for you to end this facade of journalistic integrity. You know what you tell me? "You have a kind and generous heart!" You see, you're a powerful psychic, fortune cookie, you have got the ability to reach a lot of people, to spread the truth, and you neglect to do it. Let me ask you a couple of questions. What is it about my kind and generous heart that makes me any money? What is it about this gift from the heavens that always ends with me alone? Is that where the fun starts? Whoopee! Let the party begin! I can't believe you sit here and tell me that. Do I bring it on to myself? I haven't done a damn thing to YOU. All you've done to people is mislead them and let them think I'm having the time of my goddamn life when I'm in pain! Don't you look at me with that smug look. You make me sick. I ought to smack you...
[attacks with the mandible claw; screaming incoherently]
Can we get some help...? He's gonna need some help...
SHOUT OUT TO SAMMY C.!
4:40: I meet Jerel, a cohort in crime from my work in the Squared Circle and my wingman's wingman is Ernesto. Ernesto's a mark. This'll be fun. And sadly, I didn't notice the Crash-Shannon-v1 similarity until I just typed this.
5: 'Cause there ain't no cure for how much Rush sucks you are looking LIIIIIIIIIVE at the Mission Valley Hooters, with the Slam being brought to you bah Heineken as far as I'm concerned. Jerel would address you but he's busy macking the waitress. Keep in mind I am not getting any crowd reax (more on this later). In the Spanish announce table pool, Jerel has 6, Ernesto 6:05, and me 6:45.
5:08: I am such a mark for evil double-teaming it's not even funny.
5:14: Poetry in Tope Con Hilo! The muhfuggin HART ATTACK~! SSP! Man, that was as fun as I thought it'd be. Evil Spike may be my gimmick of the year after three shows.
5:18: Kane reminds me of the drunken uncle at every Southern family reunion. EVER.
5:24: Matt Hardy busts out a plancha for the first time in the new millennium, thus astounding us who are not manly and with an ACL injury would look for the nearest big-tittayed Swedish female massuse.
5:26: *watches the super chokeslam*
5:26:10: Matt Hardy was 28 years old.
5:29: Cena/Orton to main event 21 preview? Hmm...the set's nice but the half circle's throwing me for some reason.
5:31: We were just talked to by Keith Scott Zimmerman in 2024. ZOINKS. Ernesto: Booker T looks like the Predator, man. I have no idea how he delivered that bon mot and actually seemed concerned about what happened to Lex Luger, and frankly I'm not sure I want to.
5:37: There are MULTIPLE small children. In Hooters. Watching WWE. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating.--Lewis Black There are multiple small children in Hooters watching professional wrestling. Jessica Marie Alba, no wonder everyone outside of this state thinks we're fucking nuts.
5:45: We are all suitably in awe of Batista, who looks like he's flexing while standing still. Ernesto says "Damn Canadians" at some point--without the crowd reaction--and I just don't have the heart to break it to him the two-decade strangehold Canadian stars have had on our shores.
5:56: No Christian?! BOOOO!
6: There's no sound. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. All of a sudden I see Kurt Angle's Titantron. I can't yell YOU SUCK! The terrorists have won.
6:14: First ref bump, which I completely forgot to make a subpool for.
6:20: Guess who's favorite Olympian is all the way back up in this muthafucka?!
6:28: This has been some textbook old-school goodness to start: Eugene's reaction to the set and then Triple H, the have-I-reached-10? punch countalong, Triple H using Lillian as a shield and then kicking him in the head, the fake leg injury followed by a laugh and "What?" to the referee. By the way, people looked at me when I laughed hard at the heel stuff. Fuck 'em.
6:31: "YMCA" breaks out. No, really. If I had more than three beers I'd swear I was drunk.
6:37: Someone hit the Pedigree on Triple H. If I had more than three beers...
6:40: Diva Dodgeball starts. Next table over: "Who's that?" "Don't care." At HOOTERS? I Am In Shock.
6:43: "Don't hurt Gail!" Yes, that was me, why do you ask?
6:45: Clay over Liston. Jets over Colts. NC State over Phi Slamma Jamma. Buster Douglas KOing Mike Tyson. Ron Seigel sweeping Sakai. And the Searchers annihilating the Divas. Where was the Joy/Amy victory spanking, I ask you?
6:50: "All watching JBL does is remind me how much Ted DiBiase DIDN'T get to be champion." It was decided for Jim Ross' safety that he should not call this match.
7: A waitress is intrigued slash horrified by the first two hours of notes and tries to make sense of them all. Me to her: part of that's in Sanskrit, by the way.
7:05: The table comes to the consensus that we'd take a piss break but we'd definitely miss whatever the big thing is.
7:13: Dear WWE,
FUCK you. 20 minutes of my life gone, and I want them back PDf'nQ.
Signed,
All Fans Who Just Watched That Crime Against Everything Good In This World
7:17: Benoit doesn't show off the belt to both sides of the crowd, thus ensuring a loss. It's nice to be a smark with someone else around.
7:24: The tope to nowhere gets everybody's attention. Broken neck? I scoff at your broken neck!
7:40: Jerel: "Did he win? CLEANLY?!"
About Orton: it is Way Too Goddamn Soon for the face turn, which shouldn't happen before '06. And they rushed him to the title to spite Brock, but I'd rather him be heel champ at this stage than face. What the fuck did Benoit NOT killify his ass, it wasn't like Toronto was going to turn him heel. Back in my day a handshake was Step 1 on the way to a beatdown.
JBL is becoming to title reigns what Christina Aguilera is to restraint. This is why we need a healthy Kurt Angle, so someone GOOD can hold the belt again. I heard Toronto took a Cleveland Steamer on UT. Good for them.
Well, RAW tomorrow ought be interesting as we deal with the repercussions of the Dodgeball squash. And the new champ and blah blah blah.
Ambient music: the Jam - A Town Called Malice
I expected everything should be solid, except for Eddie/Kurt, which will give me a low-level workrategasm.
Pre-game fortune cookie: YOU HAVE A KIND AND GENEROUS HEART.
Me: I think it's time for you to maybe start doing your damn job. I think it's time for you to end this facade of journalistic integrity. You know what you tell me? "You have a kind and generous heart!" You see, you're a powerful psychic, fortune cookie, you have got the ability to reach a lot of people, to spread the truth, and you neglect to do it. Let me ask you a couple of questions. What is it about my kind and generous heart that makes me any money? What is it about this gift from the heavens that always ends with me alone? Is that where the fun starts? Whoopee! Let the party begin! I can't believe you sit here and tell me that. Do I bring it on to myself? I haven't done a damn thing to YOU. All you've done to people is mislead them and let them think I'm having the time of my goddamn life when I'm in pain! Don't you look at me with that smug look. You make me sick. I ought to smack you...
[attacks with the mandible claw; screaming incoherently]
Can we get some help...? He's gonna need some help...
SHOUT OUT TO SAMMY C.!
4:40: I meet Jerel, a cohort in crime from my work in the Squared Circle and my wingman's wingman is Ernesto. Ernesto's a mark. This'll be fun. And sadly, I didn't notice the Crash-Shannon-v1 similarity until I just typed this.
5: 'Cause there ain't no cure for how much Rush sucks you are looking LIIIIIIIIIVE at the Mission Valley Hooters, with the Slam being brought to you bah Heineken as far as I'm concerned. Jerel would address you but he's busy macking the waitress. Keep in mind I am not getting any crowd reax (more on this later). In the Spanish announce table pool, Jerel has 6, Ernesto 6:05, and me 6:45.
5:08: I am such a mark for evil double-teaming it's not even funny.
5:14: Poetry in Tope Con Hilo! The muhfuggin HART ATTACK~! SSP! Man, that was as fun as I thought it'd be. Evil Spike may be my gimmick of the year after three shows.
5:18: Kane reminds me of the drunken uncle at every Southern family reunion. EVER.
5:24: Matt Hardy busts out a plancha for the first time in the new millennium, thus astounding us who are not manly and with an ACL injury would look for the nearest big-tittayed Swedish female massuse.
5:26: *watches the super chokeslam*
5:26:10: Matt Hardy was 28 years old.
5:29: Cena/Orton to main event 21 preview? Hmm...the set's nice but the half circle's throwing me for some reason.
5:31: We were just talked to by Keith Scott Zimmerman in 2024. ZOINKS. Ernesto: Booker T looks like the Predator, man. I have no idea how he delivered that bon mot and actually seemed concerned about what happened to Lex Luger, and frankly I'm not sure I want to.
5:37: There are MULTIPLE small children. In Hooters. Watching WWE. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating.--Lewis Black There are multiple small children in Hooters watching professional wrestling. Jessica Marie Alba, no wonder everyone outside of this state thinks we're fucking nuts.
5:45: We are all suitably in awe of Batista, who looks like he's flexing while standing still. Ernesto says "Damn Canadians" at some point--without the crowd reaction--and I just don't have the heart to break it to him the two-decade strangehold Canadian stars have had on our shores.
5:56: No Christian?! BOOOO!
6: There's no sound. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. All of a sudden I see Kurt Angle's Titantron. I can't yell YOU SUCK! The terrorists have won.
6:14: First ref bump, which I completely forgot to make a subpool for.
6:20: Guess who's favorite Olympian is all the way back up in this muthafucka?!
6:28: This has been some textbook old-school goodness to start: Eugene's reaction to the set and then Triple H, the have-I-reached-10? punch countalong, Triple H using Lillian as a shield and then kicking him in the head, the fake leg injury followed by a laugh and "What?" to the referee. By the way, people looked at me when I laughed hard at the heel stuff. Fuck 'em.
6:31: "YMCA" breaks out. No, really. If I had more than three beers I'd swear I was drunk.
6:37: Someone hit the Pedigree on Triple H. If I had more than three beers...
6:40: Diva Dodgeball starts. Next table over: "Who's that?" "Don't care." At HOOTERS? I Am In Shock.
6:43: "Don't hurt Gail!" Yes, that was me, why do you ask?
6:45: Clay over Liston. Jets over Colts. NC State over Phi Slamma Jamma. Buster Douglas KOing Mike Tyson. Ron Seigel sweeping Sakai. And the Searchers annihilating the Divas. Where was the Joy/Amy victory spanking, I ask you?
6:50: "All watching JBL does is remind me how much Ted DiBiase DIDN'T get to be champion." It was decided for Jim Ross' safety that he should not call this match.
7: A waitress is intrigued slash horrified by the first two hours of notes and tries to make sense of them all. Me to her: part of that's in Sanskrit, by the way.
7:05: The table comes to the consensus that we'd take a piss break but we'd definitely miss whatever the big thing is.
7:13: Dear WWE,
FUCK you. 20 minutes of my life gone, and I want them back PDf'nQ.
Signed,
All Fans Who Just Watched That Crime Against Everything Good In This World
7:17: Benoit doesn't show off the belt to both sides of the crowd, thus ensuring a loss. It's nice to be a smark with someone else around.
7:24: The tope to nowhere gets everybody's attention. Broken neck? I scoff at your broken neck!
7:40: Jerel: "Did he win? CLEANLY?!"
About Orton: it is Way Too Goddamn Soon for the face turn, which shouldn't happen before '06. And they rushed him to the title to spite Brock, but I'd rather him be heel champ at this stage than face. What the fuck did Benoit NOT killify his ass, it wasn't like Toronto was going to turn him heel. Back in my day a handshake was Step 1 on the way to a beatdown.
JBL is becoming to title reigns what Christina Aguilera is to restraint. This is why we need a healthy Kurt Angle, so someone GOOD can hold the belt again. I heard Toronto took a Cleveland Steamer on UT. Good for them.
Well, RAW tomorrow ought be interesting as we deal with the repercussions of the Dodgeball squash. And the new champ and blah blah blah.
Ambient music: the Jam - A Town Called Malice
8/14/04
Rosser Genuine Draft
Yeah, props to Matt & Rob--WHO I WILL DESTROY! MUAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!
Ladies and gentlemen, the roster for YOUR North Tijuana 619ers!
[1st] (3) RB Clinton Portis, WAS: Averaging five and a half yards a carry, 1,550 yards, and only two fumbles a year. Did I mention he's the #1 running back in a Joe Gibbs offense? 10.
[2nd] (18) RB Domanick Davis, HOU: has since been traded for RB Marshall Faulk, ST.L: not to say Mike Martz is the dumbest coach alive but playing as the Rams on Madden '05 I blew up about 8 ways from Sunday. How'd I do it? Two ways: a) Faulk ran the ball at least 3 times on the sustained drives and 2) I sent him out on the line all the time or threw a short pass and let him work the hoodoo. Davis did similar numbers but the Texans have way fewer options and he catches less. It's possible Marshall'll get hurt again, but as a #2? I've had harder times choosing cereal. 9.
[3rd] (23) RB Corey Dillion, NE: Lessee--1,300 yard running back + psychotically loaded Super Bowl Champions...Mr. James Todd Smith, your comments on this perennial Pro Bowler? Don't call it a comeback! 9.
[4th] (38) WR Derrick Mason, TEN: Improving every year, last year getting 1,300 yards plus, nine games with 90 yards+, didn't miss a game, and is poised to be McNair's boy with the abscence of Eddie George off the Titans. Probably the most underrated of the top 10 WRs. Church. 9.
[5th] (43) WR Santana Moss, J E T S: Faster than a paycheck, four 110+ games, 1,100 yards last year. As long as Pennington holds up and he keeps getting big YAC, opponents will be begging me to change my "Evil Ways", heh heh heh. Sorry. 10.
[6th] (58) QB Aaron Brooks, NO: Good news! Mid 20s in TDs year after year! Bad news! The Saints (and as a result, Brooks) are f'n schitzo! ELEVEN fumbles last year! Ohh...that orange chicken isn't sitting so good... 7.
[7th] (63) WR Charles Rogers, DET: OK, the Lions suck and they drafted Roy Williams. But Rogers is a big dude and was averaging a first down's worth a catch before he bit it. As a #3 this is fine, especially if he lasts year to year on a bad team--falling behind frequently they would tend to throw more. 7.
[8th] (78) TAMPA defense: No Sapp or Lynch. *stifles sob* Still got Brooks, and the opportunistic backfield. When the Bucs had it together, they scored a lot of defensive TDs. Still solid--just not the blowaway they once were. 8.
[9th] (83) TE Randy McMichael, MIA: eeep. This WOULD'VE been a good pick, but then Ricky Williams went to make Half-Baked 2, and David Boston pulled a Paris Hilton, and who's the QB and *sigh* 5.
[10th] (98) K Josh Brown, SEA: 2nd year, big money offense, made all 48 extra points? All righty. No Vanderjagt but he'll suffice. 8.
[11th] (103) RB Charlie Garner, TB: That sound you hear is Rob gnashing his teeth. Purely bye-week filler with Portis-Faulk-Dillon being the top backs, so I'm fine with this. 7.
[12th] (118) RB William Green, CLE: See above. Except he might not start. And has the stench of Jimmy Smith on him. Why am I not mad? Portis-Faulk-Dillon, that's why. 5.
[13th] (123) QB Jeff Garcia, CLE: PFFFFFFFFFFT. Maybe if he got me Carmella's cell number or a Mansion invite I'd be a little more up. But the Browns ain't gonna do much of anything. This might be the Charles Rogers theory for a different position--he may also recreate the Snickers "But you don't understand, I'm Batman!" commerical by Week 6. Que sera sera...5.
[14th] (138) WR Deion Branch, NE: The man who caught the first TD of the Super Bowl almost doubled his yards from '02 to '03 and averaged a first down a catch; the problem is the Patriots, esp. with my boy Dillon have got one of the more libertarian offenses in the League so it doesn't always translate into TDs. With the Band of Renown on the verge of pursuing solo careers he could easily step up to be their #1 receiving threat, or at least do well at #2. Between he, Mason, Moss & Rogers...huzzah! 8.
[15th] (143) TE Bubba Franks, GB: Let me get this straight: Brett Favre is your QB and you can't even get 3g in a season? Bubba, you're not a fucking legend, and that is getting ugly. 0.
[16th] (158) CHICAGO defense: Brian Urlacher and the 10 Dwarves? To quote a wise philosopher from a suburb of Los Angeles, nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga please waived, replaced by GREEN BAY defense: did similar numbers to Tampa--last year Tampa and gave up 55 more points. Perfectly Acceptable Bye Week filler. 6.
Last year my picks gave me nervous apprehension and a fucking drug charge before the draft EVEN ENDED FUCK YOU JIMMY SMITH! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIIIIIIIE! and as an end result I lost the first 10 games, gutted the team like an underperforming business, and quit. This year, I feel good. As long as my three-headed running back monster performs at their levels, the season should go decently.
Barring plane crash it can't go worse than last year--and THAT draft you'll find out about next weekend. Be (t)here. Aloha.
Ambient music: Liz Phair - Supernova
Ladies and gentlemen, the roster for YOUR North Tijuana 619ers!
[1st] (3) RB Clinton Portis, WAS: Averaging five and a half yards a carry, 1,550 yards, and only two fumbles a year. Did I mention he's the #1 running back in a Joe Gibbs offense? 10.
[2nd] (18) RB Domanick Davis, HOU: has since been traded for RB Marshall Faulk, ST.L: not to say Mike Martz is the dumbest coach alive but playing as the Rams on Madden '05 I blew up about 8 ways from Sunday. How'd I do it? Two ways: a) Faulk ran the ball at least 3 times on the sustained drives and 2) I sent him out on the line all the time or threw a short pass and let him work the hoodoo. Davis did similar numbers but the Texans have way fewer options and he catches less. It's possible Marshall'll get hurt again, but as a #2? I've had harder times choosing cereal. 9.
[3rd] (23) RB Corey Dillion, NE: Lessee--1,300 yard running back + psychotically loaded Super Bowl Champions...Mr. James Todd Smith, your comments on this perennial Pro Bowler? Don't call it a comeback! 9.
[4th] (38) WR Derrick Mason, TEN: Improving every year, last year getting 1,300 yards plus, nine games with 90 yards+, didn't miss a game, and is poised to be McNair's boy with the abscence of Eddie George off the Titans. Probably the most underrated of the top 10 WRs. Church. 9.
[5th] (43) WR Santana Moss, J E T S: Faster than a paycheck, four 110+ games, 1,100 yards last year. As long as Pennington holds up and he keeps getting big YAC, opponents will be begging me to change my "Evil Ways", heh heh heh. Sorry. 10.
[6th] (58) QB Aaron Brooks, NO: Good news! Mid 20s in TDs year after year! Bad news! The Saints (and as a result, Brooks) are f'n schitzo! ELEVEN fumbles last year! Ohh...that orange chicken isn't sitting so good... 7.
[7th] (63) WR Charles Rogers, DET: OK, the Lions suck and they drafted Roy Williams. But Rogers is a big dude and was averaging a first down's worth a catch before he bit it. As a #3 this is fine, especially if he lasts year to year on a bad team--falling behind frequently they would tend to throw more. 7.
[8th] (78) TAMPA defense: No Sapp or Lynch. *stifles sob* Still got Brooks, and the opportunistic backfield. When the Bucs had it together, they scored a lot of defensive TDs. Still solid--just not the blowaway they once were. 8.
[9th] (83) TE Randy McMichael, MIA: eeep. This WOULD'VE been a good pick, but then Ricky Williams went to make Half-Baked 2, and David Boston pulled a Paris Hilton, and who's the QB and *sigh* 5.
[10th] (98) K Josh Brown, SEA: 2nd year, big money offense, made all 48 extra points? All righty. No Vanderjagt but he'll suffice. 8.
[11th] (103) RB Charlie Garner, TB: That sound you hear is Rob gnashing his teeth. Purely bye-week filler with Portis-Faulk-Dillon being the top backs, so I'm fine with this. 7.
[12th] (118) RB William Green, CLE: See above. Except he might not start. And has the stench of Jimmy Smith on him. Why am I not mad? Portis-Faulk-Dillon, that's why. 5.
[13th] (123) QB Jeff Garcia, CLE: PFFFFFFFFFFT. Maybe if he got me Carmella's cell number or a Mansion invite I'd be a little more up. But the Browns ain't gonna do much of anything. This might be the Charles Rogers theory for a different position--he may also recreate the Snickers "But you don't understand, I'm Batman!" commerical by Week 6. Que sera sera...5.
[14th] (138) WR Deion Branch, NE: The man who caught the first TD of the Super Bowl almost doubled his yards from '02 to '03 and averaged a first down a catch; the problem is the Patriots, esp. with my boy Dillon have got one of the more libertarian offenses in the League so it doesn't always translate into TDs. With the Band of Renown on the verge of pursuing solo careers he could easily step up to be their #1 receiving threat, or at least do well at #2. Between he, Mason, Moss & Rogers...huzzah! 8.
[15th] (143) TE Bubba Franks, GB: Let me get this straight: Brett Favre is your QB and you can't even get 3g in a season? Bubba, you're not a fucking legend, and that is getting ugly. 0.
[16th] (158) CHICAGO defense: Brian Urlacher and the 10 Dwarves? To quote a wise philosopher from a suburb of Los Angeles, nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga please waived, replaced by GREEN BAY defense: did similar numbers to Tampa--last year Tampa and gave up 55 more points. Perfectly Acceptable Bye Week filler. 6.
Last year my picks gave me nervous apprehension and a fucking drug charge before the draft EVEN ENDED FUCK YOU JIMMY SMITH! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIIIIIIIE! and as an end result I lost the first 10 games, gutted the team like an underperforming business, and quit. This year, I feel good. As long as my three-headed running back monster performs at their levels, the season should go decently.
Barring plane crash it can't go worse than last year--and THAT draft you'll find out about next weekend. Be (t)here. Aloha.
Ambient music: Liz Phair - Supernova
8/13/04
Back Into the Pool
I don't know really what to say. It was a much shorter date than a normal one, and Maria looked great and everything but our convo seemed slightly off-kilter; like an aria sung a note low or something. Staying up all night last night maybe a mistake. Oh, and she's more religious than I first suspected, thus making my novel a mild bone of contention.
Had to know how much was there, and now I know. So let's get ready for the next ep...oh, you've GOT to be kidding me...
Ambient music: Violent Femmes - Promise
Had to know how much was there, and now I know. So let's get ready for the next ep...oh, you've GOT to be kidding me...
Ambient music: Violent Femmes - Promise
8/12/04
Hypocracy? That's Just Fancy Talk For FAAAAAANTASTIC
In the outside world, if I press my groin against a girl's ass it gets me 7 to 15 in federal pound me in the ass prison.
When I wish to press my groin against a girl's ass in the outside world, there is no one willing.
And yet give me an hour on the dance floor and it happens like meltdowns around Homer.
Guess who's been drinking? Better recover by noon, I's gots a date.
Yes, more to come.
Ambient music: Nore & the Neptunes - Superthug (What What)
When I wish to press my groin against a girl's ass in the outside world, there is no one willing.
And yet give me an hour on the dance floor and it happens like meltdowns around Homer.
Guess who's been drinking? Better recover by noon, I's gots a date.
Yes, more to come.
Ambient music: Nore & the Neptunes - Superthug (What What)
8/7/04
Pocket 10
Obituaries: "Super Duper Love", 6; "Ocean Avenue", 8; "Ch-Check It Out", 10
(10) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)
(09) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (7)
(08) Maroon 5 ==> She Will Be Loved (debut)
(07) Faithless ==> Mass Destruction (debut)
(06) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (5)
(05) the Hives ==> Walk Idiot Walk (debut)
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (3)
(03) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (4)*
(02) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1)
(01) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Injected's "Faithless"
(10) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)
(09) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (7)
(08) Maroon 5 ==> She Will Be Loved (debut)
(07) Faithless ==> Mass Destruction (debut)
(06) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (5)
(05) the Hives ==> Walk Idiot Walk (debut)
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (3)
(03) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (4)*
(02) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1)
(01) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (2) [2w]
Ambient music: Injected's "Faithless"
8/6/04
It WAS A Celebration, Bitches
Funk legend Rick James, best known for the 1981 hit ''Super Freak,'' died Friday, apparently of natural causes, police said.
In 1997, he released a new album, but a year later he suffered a stroke while performing at Denver's Mammoth Events Center, derailing a comeback tour. In 1998 he also underwent hip replacement surgery.
With his trademark Jheri curl, James was one of the biggest R&B stars of the 1980s, using danceable rhythms and passionate ballads to gain a wide following. Aside from ''Super Freak'' - which MC Hammer used a decade later as the backing track for his monster hit ''U Can't Touch This'' - James' hits included ''Mary Jane,'' ''Ebony Eyes'' and ''Fire and Desire,'' a stirring duet with Teena Marie.
James died at 9:45 a.m. at a residence near Universal City, said Police Department spokeswoman Esther Reyes.
''We learned of his death after responding to a radio call,'' Reyes said.
After his big hit, James' fame began to fade as he became embroiled in drugs, legal problems and health issues.
James was convicted in 1993 of assaulting two women. The first attack occurred in 1991 when he restrained and burned a young woman with a hot pipe during a cocaine binge at his house in West Hollywood. He was free on bail when the second assault occurred in 1992 in James' hotel room.
James was sentenced to more than two years in state prison.In 1997, he released a new album, but a year later he suffered a stroke while performing at Denver's Mammoth Events Center, derailing a comeback tour. In 1998 he also underwent hip replacement surgery.
With his trademark Jheri curl, James was one of the biggest R&B stars of the 1980s, using danceable rhythms and passionate ballads to gain a wide following. Aside from ''Super Freak'' - which MC Hammer used a decade later as the backing track for his monster hit ''U Can't Touch This'' - James' hits included ''Mary Jane,'' ''Ebony Eyes'' and ''Fire and Desire,'' a stirring duet with Teena Marie.
Ambient music: De La Soul's "Me, Myself, & I"
8/5/04
21st Century Digital Boys
The punchline to this--of course--is Ain't life a mystery, yeah?
When I woke up Monday morning, I had some depression and a side of angst. It wasn't any personal sand getting in my oyster shell, it was just the return to work after a week off. As I tend to do, I visited this place. Now, usually when I visit it's in a non-posting capacity to keep the sidebar updated on the off chance someone's looking on and wondering what I'm reading, etc.
So before I hit the blogs and links I saw a comment under the new Starfuckers entry. Now, any comments always get my attention due to their rarity (and, of course, the ego stroke that means I'm not tilting at windmills doing this). This really grabbed my attention because nobody responds to the Starfuckers entries.
You can go down and see it's from Daniel Womack. Now I haven't brought him up before, and most of my friends haven't heard or seen his name before. As Lewis Black taught you, there is a reason.
Up until about six hours ago, we hadn't seen each other for about 12 years. In my pre-pubescent youth, he was my best friend. We lived pretty close, hung out a lot. But high school took over, and we started splintering off our seperate ways. To be honest, I hadn't thought of him in a few years.
But that comment...
So I find out he's still around in town, and married a woman I knew but have long since forgotten (12 YEARS, people! Don't cluck disapprovingly at me!). After some fuckups on my part, we finally got together tonight.
And I'm not exactly sure why, nor do I care in depth, but in a lot of ways the missed time might as well have not existed. We got along just the same as we did in the way back when, and we were able to conversate on a intellectual and normal guy stupid way as well. I maintain as I did to him this probably wouldn't happen if one of us was female. Instead, we bowled (139 [third-best], 113, 116 --3-0 with a big closeout flurry in the middle game to win by a pin) and ate and pretty much played catchup when we felt like it. He got a lot of the Rosser Greatest Hits in the gap left. The Liz story. Starbucks COFFEE?! The Comic-Con this year. "Do you make 100,000 a year before taxes?" The noise I heard at the Memorial Day bikini pageant. The crazy shit I got into Friday night. The even crazier shit I got into the first time I got drunk.
The thing of it was, the oddness was caused not by the time apart, but by the fact the time apart didn't cause any oddness. You can go back and reread that 'cause I swear that makes sense. We didn't really change at our cores is the reason I'd like to think. He said it's because I'm pretty unflappable, and for once that wasn't apathy showing. Time does what it does, but that just gave us story fodder. And Liz, feel grateful: your story is absolute free-drink GOLD. We talked about the advances of technology progressing in our void and I believe I may have sold him a copy of NCAA 05 off of word of mouth. We played that "being back at the high school distorts one's perception of self-age". Other's sentences were finished. To give you a sample of the evening, he gave off a quick Lumbergh bite. I of course recognized it. Then I got to tell the story of how Cristal and I got together.
It was the sort of night where we hung out amicably, pulled to my place at 1 and talked for another hour about everything and nothing.
It was really fucking awesome, and it might not even be 12 days before we're once again hanging out. And outside of the smallest fraction of a connection via PGE it wouldn't've happened. He thought of ESPN, which made him think of me. (Pre-pubescent; all the time I talk about and spend thinking about pussy now was devoted to sports then. Now it's a time-share.) And he happened to find me, and we got along, and to quote young Hova it's back as if we never left.
So if ever I write about this thing being worthless, and/or unseen, point me to this post and clout me one.
His blog's in the ranks. Go say hi.
I mean, worse comes to worse we'll have one hell of a convo in 2017.
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Trouble"
When I woke up Monday morning, I had some depression and a side of angst. It wasn't any personal sand getting in my oyster shell, it was just the return to work after a week off. As I tend to do, I visited this place. Now, usually when I visit it's in a non-posting capacity to keep the sidebar updated on the off chance someone's looking on and wondering what I'm reading, etc.
So before I hit the blogs and links I saw a comment under the new Starfuckers entry. Now, any comments always get my attention due to their rarity (and, of course, the ego stroke that means I'm not tilting at windmills doing this). This really grabbed my attention because nobody responds to the Starfuckers entries.
You can go down and see it's from Daniel Womack. Now I haven't brought him up before, and most of my friends haven't heard or seen his name before. As Lewis Black taught you, there is a reason.
Up until about six hours ago, we hadn't seen each other for about 12 years. In my pre-pubescent youth, he was my best friend. We lived pretty close, hung out a lot. But high school took over, and we started splintering off our seperate ways. To be honest, I hadn't thought of him in a few years.
But that comment...
So I find out he's still around in town, and married a woman I knew but have long since forgotten (12 YEARS, people! Don't cluck disapprovingly at me!). After some fuckups on my part, we finally got together tonight.
And I'm not exactly sure why, nor do I care in depth, but in a lot of ways the missed time might as well have not existed. We got along just the same as we did in the way back when, and we were able to conversate on a intellectual and normal guy stupid way as well. I maintain as I did to him this probably wouldn't happen if one of us was female. Instead, we bowled (139 [third-best], 113, 116 --3-0 with a big closeout flurry in the middle game to win by a pin) and ate and pretty much played catchup when we felt like it. He got a lot of the Rosser Greatest Hits in the gap left. The Liz story. Starbucks COFFEE?! The Comic-Con this year. "Do you make 100,000 a year before taxes?" The noise I heard at the Memorial Day bikini pageant. The crazy shit I got into Friday night. The even crazier shit I got into the first time I got drunk.
The thing of it was, the oddness was caused not by the time apart, but by the fact the time apart didn't cause any oddness. You can go back and reread that 'cause I swear that makes sense. We didn't really change at our cores is the reason I'd like to think. He said it's because I'm pretty unflappable, and for once that wasn't apathy showing. Time does what it does, but that just gave us story fodder. And Liz, feel grateful: your story is absolute free-drink GOLD. We talked about the advances of technology progressing in our void and I believe I may have sold him a copy of NCAA 05 off of word of mouth. We played that "being back at the high school distorts one's perception of self-age". Other's sentences were finished. To give you a sample of the evening, he gave off a quick Lumbergh bite. I of course recognized it. Then I got to tell the story of how Cristal and I got together.
It was the sort of night where we hung out amicably, pulled to my place at 1 and talked for another hour about everything and nothing.
It was really fucking awesome, and it might not even be 12 days before we're once again hanging out. And outside of the smallest fraction of a connection via PGE it wouldn't've happened. He thought of ESPN, which made him think of me. (Pre-pubescent; all the time I talk about and spend thinking about pussy now was devoted to sports then. Now it's a time-share.) And he happened to find me, and we got along, and to quote young Hova it's back as if we never left.
So if ever I write about this thing being worthless, and/or unseen, point me to this post and clout me one.
His blog's in the ranks. Go say hi.
I mean, worse comes to worse we'll have one hell of a convo in 2017.
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Trouble"
8/1/04
Starfuckers Inc.: August '04
Here's Some Bus Fare:
Sofia Vergara, 10; Gail Kim, 18; Alyssa Milano, 19; Victoria 23
25) Jennifer Garner (debut)
24) Rebecca Romijn (last month 22, peak 22)
23) Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
22) Kitana Baker (debut)
21) Cameron Diaz (24, p9)
20) Kim Smith (20, p20)
19) Maria Menounos (8, p8)
18) Halle Berry (25, 18)
17) Monica Bellucci (re-entry, p17)
16) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, p16)
15) Heidi Klum (21, p10)
14) Carmen Electra (17, p5)
13) Christina Aguilera (13, p6)
12) Josie Maran (16, p12)
11) Beyonce Knowles (11, p4)
10) Vida Guerra (14, p6)
09) Kristanna Loken (15, p9)
08) Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
07) Jamie Pressly (7, p7)
06) Jessica Alba (1, p1)
05) Adriana Lima (6, p3)
04) Lindsay Lohan (3, p3)
03) Trish Stratus (4, p1)
02) Brooke Burke (2, p1)
01) Angelina Jolie (5, p1)
Ambient music: Metallica & the SF Symphony Orchestra's "Master Of Puppets" live
Sofia Vergara, 10; Gail Kim, 18; Alyssa Milano, 19; Victoria 23
25) Jennifer Garner (debut)
24) Rebecca Romijn (last month 22, peak 22)
23) Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
22) Kitana Baker (debut)
21) Cameron Diaz (24, p9)
20) Kim Smith (20, p20)
19) Maria Menounos (8, p8)
18) Halle Berry (25, 18)
17) Monica Bellucci (re-entry, p17)
16) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, p16)
15) Heidi Klum (21, p10)
14) Carmen Electra (17, p5)
13) Christina Aguilera (13, p6)
12) Josie Maran (16, p12)
11) Beyonce Knowles (11, p4)
10) Vida Guerra (14, p6)
09) Kristanna Loken (15, p9)
08) Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
07) Jamie Pressly (7, p7)
06) Jessica Alba (1, p1)
05) Adriana Lima (6, p3)
04) Lindsay Lohan (3, p3)
03) Trish Stratus (4, p1)
02) Brooke Burke (2, p1)
01) Angelina Jolie (5, p1)
Ambient music: Metallica & the SF Symphony Orchestra's "Master Of Puppets" live
7/25/04
the Biggest Con of Them All & the Man With A Satisfied Mind
I told y'all today would be boring in comparison.
Irulan & Alton said goodbye. Jennifer Tilly walked right by me--this time I was smart enough to follow and get shots. See, that's the big thing about me. I don't dodge guilt. And I don't Jew out of comeuppance.
Now let me read my second program (Iyari's not catching me "cheating" on her next year):
To Butch:
There's your name.
Michael Madsen.
P.S. You SUCK, Michael Dupin.
All right, I made up the P.S. but everything else is truth.com. And with that, the Pandora's Box closes for another year. Time for a week of putting my feet up and learning how to fucking kick in NCAA '05. But if these passings and fleeting meetings have taught me anything, it's this:
Michael Keith Dupin = loser.
Ambient music: the Strokes' "Reptilia"
Irulan & Alton said goodbye. Jennifer Tilly walked right by me--this time I was smart enough to follow and get shots. See, that's the big thing about me. I don't dodge guilt. And I don't Jew out of comeuppance.
Now let me read my second program (Iyari's not catching me "cheating" on her next year):
To Butch:
There's your name.
Michael Madsen.
P.S. You SUCK, Michael Dupin.
All right, I made up the P.S. but everything else is truth.com. And with that, the Pandora's Box closes for another year. Time for a week of putting my feet up and learning how to fucking kick in NCAA '05. But if these passings and fleeting meetings have taught me anything, it's this:
Michael Keith Dupin = loser.
Ambient music: the Strokes' "Reptilia"
7/24/04
Biggest Con of th3m All
To answer the big question: no Alba. She was mechalate.
So to the rest of it, and I'll try to go in order so as not to vex my brain much.
So to the rest of it, and I'll try to go in order so as not to vex my brain much.
- Bought my friend Amanda her birthday gifts. It's about as much fun as she'll be able to have without two double-A batteries whoo hoo hoo SNAP. Seriously, I got her a couple nice rarities and hopefully Mouse Ears doesn't get her for it.
- For myself I got a Sopranos-parody Simpons poster for four bucks. I got a couple other things too, but I'll decide which one I'm keeping and what I'm not.
- Allison Mack? LUDICROUSLY hotter in person. Damn you, Smallville. Get this woman a Maxim shoot, STAT.
- Ran into three friends I hadn't seen since I can't even remember when in about the course of an hour. Found out another one's in town. Diane's in trouble. Straight. How dare she come back from Italy without dialing her #1 lover man in her postal district.
- And now, a moment at work that can only happen at Comic-Con:
Me: [looks at people]
Me: [looks at pretty girl for a second]
Outside: [looks nice]
Me: [looks outside]
Escalator: [ejects temporarily lost John Landis]
Me: HOLY FREAKIN SHNIT!
And his wife goes, "That's not a nice thing to say," but then I explain a)No, I kept my work on and didn't actually curse, and, oh, yes, the man directed The Blues Brothers, American Werewolf In London, Trading Places, Coming To America and a little flick called ANIMAL HOUSE so it was meant as a sign of respect above all else. So I help them, and get his Hancock.
Me: (sotto voice) Holy fucking shit.
- After getting most of the Buffy midcard yesterday, I came back for Iyari Limon, who played Kennedy in Season 7. Willow's girl. Met her last year during my break and she was cool folk who smelled like tangerines. Not only that, but it gave me a GREAT thing to lord over Dupin. So I figured, I got everybody else yesterday and Danny again, why not her? Go over on my lunch break, and Robia (Mrs. Calendar) recognizes me and waves. I don't need 50 to tell me I'm a motherfucking P.I.M.P. Did I mention http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/tshirt.php?sku=a318 that's the shirt I'm wearing underneath my work gear? So, after the part where she recognizes me and remembers from last year and signs this year's program, I go for the picture and do the Superman reveal. "Now's the surprise," I say. So I pop it open and everyone in line cracks up, so she leans over (I'm on her right) to see it and cracks up. And then she touched me right below the bow. (That SOUNDS dirty but see the picture) So we're both pointing to the tag and the girl who helped me went "Oh, no, I pushed it twice." Me: Oh, no. Twice. How terrible. Iyari also very impressed with the digicam. In short, I don't know what you heard about me.
- Also, in a sidenote to a Mr. Dupin...hold on, let me turn on my Winamp...hey, Kurt Angle's entrance theme! Well, what the hey. YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! And yes, I am sticking my tongue out at you. Last year, hugging. This year, groping. Next year I best brings some Gatorade. On the other hand, I will be sending you a Christmas card this year. LOSER!
- Best costume of the night: the guy cross-dressing like Marge Simpson
- Irulan & Alton from the Real World: good folks.
So that was today. Tomorrow's Kids Day and outside of Joss Whedon and Jennifer Tilly there's not much for me to get psyched up for outside the possibility Madsen MIGHT show. And then, after that, a week off, quality time with old friends, and of course the Butch-eye view from CC04 so the pics can hit the web.
Be there. Aloha.
Ambient music: Linkin Park's "Faint"
Pocket 10
(10) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out (2)
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)*
(08) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue (6)
(07) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (10)*
(06) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love (7)
(05) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (3)
(04) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (8)*
(03) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (4)*
(02) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (5)*
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1) [2m]
Ambient music: Joan Jett & the Blackhearts covering the Mary Tyler Moore theme
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute (9)*
(08) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue (6)
(07) Modest Mouse ==> Float On (10)*
(06) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love (7)
(05) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out (3)
(04) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks (8)*
(03) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion (4)*
(02) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded (5)*
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems (1) [2m]
Ambient music: Joan Jett & the Blackhearts covering the Mary Tyler Moore theme
7/23/04
Biggest Con of Them All (reprise)
Well, that bitch Meg Hart's scrambled my head for the time being so a lot of the wacky joy's gone.
No Duckshoot at all. Didn't even SEE her this year. Pwamp. No Biel, either. And Madsen Jewed out of comeuppance autograph-wise, and Iyari Limon won't be around until tomorrow.
On the other hand, I got a bunch of Buffy midcarders' autographs all over my work itinerary of the day just like last year: Adam, two-thirds of the Trio (Danny Strong remembers me from last year and I owe him a beer if I see him on the outside), and a couple others.
Special note to Michael Keith Dupin: Ms. Calendar is not only hotter in person, she's gotten hotter since the show got off the air. In additon AAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHA YOU SUCK.
Pictures of these events will also be coming next week, hopes this humble scribe. All of them were quite amazed at the digital camera's tiny goodness, which made me feel synchronously very damn cool and very damn UNcool.
Tomorrow, SMG's in the building. Trishelle possibly giving away lap dances. Iyari & Madsen. Matt Groening. And, of course, Nick Van Exel's twin sister.
Seriously, I will kill that bitch.
Ambient music: Love & Rockets' "So Alive"
No Duckshoot at all. Didn't even SEE her this year. Pwamp. No Biel, either. And Madsen Jewed out of comeuppance autograph-wise, and Iyari Limon won't be around until tomorrow.
On the other hand, I got a bunch of Buffy midcarders' autographs all over my work itinerary of the day just like last year: Adam, two-thirds of the Trio (Danny Strong remembers me from last year and I owe him a beer if I see him on the outside), and a couple others.
Special note to Michael Keith Dupin: Ms. Calendar is not only hotter in person, she's gotten hotter since the show got off the air. In additon AAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHA YOU SUCK.
Pictures of these events will also be coming next week, hopes this humble scribe. All of them were quite amazed at the digital camera's tiny goodness, which made me feel synchronously very damn cool and very damn UNcool.
Tomorrow, SMG's in the building. Trishelle possibly giving away lap dances. Iyari & Madsen. Matt Groening. And, of course, Nick Van Exel's twin sister.
Seriously, I will kill that bitch.
Ambient music: Love & Rockets' "So Alive"
7/22/04
the Biggest Con of Them All
What's about 85,000 deep, running over with freaks, eight blocks long, three floors deep, and ready to get down all night long?
You guessed it--the line behind Paris Hilton. ha ha ha SNAP.
Nope, it's the annual Comic Con. Every July we host the digerati and let the freak flag fly over head as the normally staid and boring SDCC gets overrun with hobbitses, wizards, artisians, and every so often, a girl or two. (Most thought lyrics during the day: All you Trekkies and TV addicts/don't mean to diss don't mean to bring static/all you Klingons living in your grandma's house/grab your backstreet friend and get loud)
People who read the-then ASCTR at this time last year know it is my favorite convention to come by during the course of a year. I'd rather be continually amused than drifting off to Byzantium and at the most boring times, you can watch the Storm Troopers or Ghostbusters getting interviewed by a local female news anchor whose off-camera face clearly says "I obviously need to work on giving better head."
During more intensive moments, you're too busy to worry about how slow time is going, and sometimes you even manage to get a little flirt on.
And, every so often, you get to see, meet, get an autograph from, and a picture with Kitana Baker. So that was a fun highlight today. Worked a little overtime, which I'm fine with because I'm off next week. But, c'mon, how often do you get a Playmate just walking up to your door at work? Got to looooooooove the ComicCon. Kinda sad I missed "Bubba Ho-Tep" in a community environment, though.
Tomorrow on the Heath Ledger, Keanu Reeves is showing up. In news that matters to ME and ergo you, Iyari Limon's coming back, Michael "Thanks, I Can Never Listen To Stealers Wheel Again" Madsen's due to pop in, Jessica Biel, and what I am sure to be a sign of reciprocation after getting royally assfucked on this front a year ago, ELIZA DUSHKU.
Have I mentioned Jessica Alba's coming Saturday? Once or twice? HM? 'Cause she is.
I'm so tempted to hang around after my shift ends tomorrow night and see if I see any Harley Quinns or Frodos dancing in the clubs...
Ambient music: Weezer's "Say It Ain't So"
You guessed it--the line behind Paris Hilton. ha ha ha SNAP.
Nope, it's the annual Comic Con. Every July we host the digerati and let the freak flag fly over head as the normally staid and boring SDCC gets overrun with hobbitses, wizards, artisians, and every so often, a girl or two. (Most thought lyrics during the day: All you Trekkies and TV addicts/don't mean to diss don't mean to bring static/all you Klingons living in your grandma's house/grab your backstreet friend and get loud)
People who read the-then ASCTR at this time last year know it is my favorite convention to come by during the course of a year. I'd rather be continually amused than drifting off to Byzantium and at the most boring times, you can watch the Storm Troopers or Ghostbusters getting interviewed by a local female news anchor whose off-camera face clearly says "I obviously need to work on giving better head."
During more intensive moments, you're too busy to worry about how slow time is going, and sometimes you even manage to get a little flirt on.
And, every so often, you get to see, meet, get an autograph from, and a picture with Kitana Baker. So that was a fun highlight today. Worked a little overtime, which I'm fine with because I'm off next week. But, c'mon, how often do you get a Playmate just walking up to your door at work? Got to looooooooove the ComicCon. Kinda sad I missed "Bubba Ho-Tep" in a community environment, though.
Tomorrow on the Heath Ledger, Keanu Reeves is showing up. In news that matters to ME and ergo you, Iyari Limon's coming back, Michael "Thanks, I Can Never Listen To Stealers Wheel Again" Madsen's due to pop in, Jessica Biel, and what I am sure to be a sign of reciprocation after getting royally assfucked on this front a year ago, ELIZA DUSHKU.
Have I mentioned Jessica Alba's coming Saturday? Once or twice? HM? 'Cause she is.
I'm so tempted to hang around after my shift ends tomorrow night and see if I see any Harley Quinns or Frodos dancing in the clubs...
Ambient music: Weezer's "Say It Ain't So"
7/21/04
The Ridicuously Large ID Card
LAYER ONE:
Name: Butch
Birth date: 9 February 1979
Birth place: Pittsburgh
Current location: North Tijuana
Eye color: brown
Hair color: black
Height: almost 5'8". At least that's what it was the last time I checked.
Righty or lefty: SINISTER~!
Zodiac sign: Aquarium
LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: pigmentally advantaged-American
Your weakness: Swiss Cake rolls, peanut butter cups, hot brunettes
Your fears: heights, dying alone, needles
Your perfect pizza: deep dish, covered in pepperonis and mushrooms, and partially in Jessica Alba's mouth
Goals you'd like to achieve: author, filthy stinking rich, the boring-ass cliched American Dream. But with a pet snake.
LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on IM: [angry face emoticon]
Your first thoughts waking up: Bah.
Your best physical feature: If anyone who's seen me can answer this for me in the comments...
Your most missed memory: The few times I had fun in high school that mostly got eaten alive by the Prom Incident
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi on this side of the border
McDonalds or Burger King: PANDA EXPRESS. That orange chicken is laced with nicotine or something...
Single or group dates: Single. Prefer the man-to-man D.
Adidas or Nike: Nike, with the exception of Chuck Taylor. And I guess my Phat Farms.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Iced tea can lick my hairy beanbag.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
Cappucino or Hot Coffee: no.
LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nah
Cuss: like a motherfucker
Sing: a lot
Take a shower everyday: Yeah. Off days I plan to sit on my ass I half-ass it, but it still counts dammit!
Do you think you've ever been in love: I know I have.
Want to go to college: I almost want to finish
Like high school: I could count the good times on one hand. Possibly deformed, too.
Want to get married: I am flipping and flopping on this issue. Right now...sure, what the hell.
Believe in yourself: When the booze is working, am I right or amIright?!
Get motion sickness: Not I
Think you're attractive: Not really.
Think you're a health freak: I'm sorry, I was busy drowning this steak in A1. What?
Get along with your parents: Generally. But then again I avoid them a lot.
Like thunderstorms: I wouldn't say I like them. They amuse me.
Play an instrument: I should've learned to play the geetar. I should've learned to play them drums.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: lemme hear a "Hell, yeah!"
Done a drug: Nope
Made out: No
Gone on a date: No. Met some cool girls in the course of being a semi-barfly, though. And there's the whole shadow of my ex and whatnot. But that's another story for another time.
Gone to the mall: Yeah. And I feared and respected the escalator.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Someday.
Eaten sushi: Nope.
Been on stage: Negatory
Gone skating: NO.
Made homemade cookies: Pffffft.
Gone skinny dipping: No. I can barely DIP, I don't need to push my luck in that department.
Dyed your hair: Nuh-uh
Stolen anything: I was out of some places like I stole something heh heh heh. I don't have to fucking impress you.
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
If so, was it mixed company: Yeah
Been trashed or completely intoxicated: A bunch of times!
Been caught "doing something": I refuse to answer this question until the judges define "something"
Been called a tease: No. And attractive women, I'm a borderline slut.
Gotten beaten up: Not for a few years.
Shoplifted: No
Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no. People changed to fit in around ME.
LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Got me. Just don't want to be The Old Guy in the Club, as Rock would say.
Numbers and names of children: Hey, here's an idea--instead of pressing me for family shit, how about you hook me up with a good woman? All you do is sit there and ask me questions, and what do I get in return? JACK! That's what I get. You lazy shiftless bastard, if you were real I'd kick your ass for being a clownshoe.
How do you want to die: I don't.
What do you most want to be when you grow up: A writer who's living comfortably by the Pacific.
What country would you most like to visit: Canada.
One word to describe yourself: dichotomy
LAYER NINE:
What do you look for in the opposite sex: See, that's more like it. Sense of humor, brains without having to show off, opinions without having to force them or cave to others, good disposition. Also, my heart hates uggos. Sorry, but I went without for too long and I've got to make the time up. Don't worry, I think Janeane Garafolo's hot so my spectrum of babeosity's a little wider than what Madison Avenue chucks at me (and I also accept, 'cause, you know).
Best eye color: WTF I care? They could be GLASS.
Best hair color: I'd prefer black, but it could be blonde. And I'm wondering if the redhead rumors are true. In short, have some. Or a clean scalp in lieu of that.
Short or long hair?: In my mind's eye it's long but most of the previous have short. DICHOTOMY.
Best height?: Don't care, but I will say a girl MUCH taller than me could lead to issues. If she's willing to bend a lot, I'm willing to tough it out. Oh, that's real funny, asshole. You sicken me.
Best weight: I don't want anybody nicknamed Eclipse. Homer's Rule.
Best articles of clothing: This has nothing to do with anything but ever since that one episode of Boy Meets World I've wanted a beautiful woman to wear a jersey with skimpy panties underneath. You're right, I'm sick, I need help.
Best first date location: Depends on what she's into. I would love to go to a karaoke bar and just go nuts, though. Hard to believe I'm single, huh?
Best first kiss location: It happens where it happens. Just a natural extension of the other stuff snowballing. I'll be smarky and say Hawaii.
LAYER TEN:
Number of people I could trust with my life: outside the family, three.
Number of CD's I own: around 60, now
Number of piercings: <>
Number of tattoos: <>
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: none, unless you count the ones I worked on.
Number of scars on my body: a bunch
Number of things in my past I regret: I'd take a handful of stuff to keep and press a reset button if I could
Ambient music: the Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man"
Name: Butch
Birth date: 9 February 1979
Birth place: Pittsburgh
Current location: North Tijuana
Eye color: brown
Hair color: black
Height: almost 5'8". At least that's what it was the last time I checked.
Righty or lefty: SINISTER~!
Zodiac sign: Aquarium
LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: pigmentally advantaged-American
Your weakness: Swiss Cake rolls, peanut butter cups, hot brunettes
Your fears: heights, dying alone, needles
Your perfect pizza: deep dish, covered in pepperonis and mushrooms, and partially in Jessica Alba's mouth
Goals you'd like to achieve: author, filthy stinking rich, the boring-ass cliched American Dream. But with a pet snake.
LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on IM: [angry face emoticon]
Your first thoughts waking up: Bah.
Your best physical feature: If anyone who's seen me can answer this for me in the comments...
Your most missed memory: The few times I had fun in high school that mostly got eaten alive by the Prom Incident
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi on this side of the border
McDonalds or Burger King: PANDA EXPRESS. That orange chicken is laced with nicotine or something...
Single or group dates: Single. Prefer the man-to-man D.
Adidas or Nike: Nike, with the exception of Chuck Taylor. And I guess my Phat Farms.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: Iced tea can lick my hairy beanbag.
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
Cappucino or Hot Coffee: no.
LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: nah
Cuss: like a motherfucker
Sing: a lot
Take a shower everyday: Yeah. Off days I plan to sit on my ass I half-ass it, but it still counts dammit!
Do you think you've ever been in love: I know I have.
Want to go to college: I almost want to finish
Like high school: I could count the good times on one hand. Possibly deformed, too.
Want to get married: I am flipping and flopping on this issue. Right now...sure, what the hell.
Believe in yourself: When the booze is working, am I right or amIright?!
Get motion sickness: Not I
Think you're attractive: Not really.
Think you're a health freak: I'm sorry, I was busy drowning this steak in A1. What?
Get along with your parents: Generally. But then again I avoid them a lot.
Like thunderstorms: I wouldn't say I like them. They amuse me.
Play an instrument: I should've learned to play the geetar. I should've learned to play them drums.
LAYER SIX:
In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: lemme hear a "Hell, yeah!"
Done a drug: Nope
Made out: No
Gone on a date: No. Met some cool girls in the course of being a semi-barfly, though. And there's the whole shadow of my ex and whatnot. But that's another story for another time.
Gone to the mall: Yeah. And I feared and respected the escalator.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. Someday.
Eaten sushi: Nope.
Been on stage: Negatory
Gone skating: NO.
Made homemade cookies: Pffffft.
Gone skinny dipping: No. I can barely DIP, I don't need to push my luck in that department.
Dyed your hair: Nuh-uh
Stolen anything: I was out of some places like I stole something heh heh heh. I don't have to fucking impress you.
LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yup.
If so, was it mixed company: Yeah
Been trashed or completely intoxicated: A bunch of times!
Been caught "doing something": I refuse to answer this question until the judges define "something"
Been called a tease: No. And attractive women, I'm a borderline slut.
Gotten beaten up: Not for a few years.
Shoplifted: No
Changed who you were to fit in: Hell no. People changed to fit in around ME.
LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Got me. Just don't want to be The Old Guy in the Club, as Rock would say.
Numbers and names of children: Hey, here's an idea--instead of pressing me for family shit, how about you hook me up with a good woman? All you do is sit there and ask me questions, and what do I get in return? JACK! That's what I get. You lazy shiftless bastard, if you were real I'd kick your ass for being a clownshoe.
How do you want to die: I don't.
What do you most want to be when you grow up: A writer who's living comfortably by the Pacific.
What country would you most like to visit: Canada.
One word to describe yourself: dichotomy
LAYER NINE:
What do you look for in the opposite sex: See, that's more like it. Sense of humor, brains without having to show off, opinions without having to force them or cave to others, good disposition. Also, my heart hates uggos. Sorry, but I went without for too long and I've got to make the time up. Don't worry, I think Janeane Garafolo's hot so my spectrum of babeosity's a little wider than what Madison Avenue chucks at me (and I also accept, 'cause, you know).
Best eye color: WTF I care? They could be GLASS.
Best hair color: I'd prefer black, but it could be blonde. And I'm wondering if the redhead rumors are true. In short, have some. Or a clean scalp in lieu of that.
Short or long hair?: In my mind's eye it's long but most of the previous have short. DICHOTOMY.
Best height?: Don't care, but I will say a girl MUCH taller than me could lead to issues. If she's willing to bend a lot, I'm willing to tough it out. Oh, that's real funny, asshole. You sicken me.
Best weight: I don't want anybody nicknamed Eclipse. Homer's Rule.
Best articles of clothing: This has nothing to do with anything but ever since that one episode of Boy Meets World I've wanted a beautiful woman to wear a jersey with skimpy panties underneath. You're right, I'm sick, I need help.
Best first date location: Depends on what she's into. I would love to go to a karaoke bar and just go nuts, though. Hard to believe I'm single, huh?
Best first kiss location: It happens where it happens. Just a natural extension of the other stuff snowballing. I'll be smarky and say Hawaii.
LAYER TEN:
Number of people I could trust with my life: outside the family, three.
Number of CD's I own: around 60, now
Number of piercings: <>
Number of tattoos: <>
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: none, unless you count the ones I worked on.
Number of scars on my body: a bunch
Number of things in my past I regret: I'd take a handful of stuff to keep and press a reset button if I could
Ambient music: the Pixies' "Here Comes Your Man"
7/18/04
Swept Away
Fuck tonight's games: 112, 99, 122 and lost the last two by three each. TEN NINES in the thirty frames. TEN! AND four splits to boot.
About the only positive I find is the average keeps going up, and out of the three games that didn't hit the triple digits, two of them are 99s.
Ambient music: D12's "Fight Music"
About the only positive I find is the average keeps going up, and out of the three games that didn't hit the triple digits, two of them are 99s.
Ambient music: D12's "Fight Music"
7/14/04
DADDY NEEDS A CALMATIVE
To quote NASA after Neil Armstrong touched down on the lunar surface for the first time in August 1969: holy SHIT.
7/24/03
2:00-3:00
Dimension Films: Sin City
Comic-Con attendees will be treated to an exclusive panel on Sin City, a feature film based on the series of comic books and graphic novels created, written, and illustrated by Frank Miller. Sin City is a series of stories of vengeance and redemption set in the grimiest, toughest city in the world. The film will incorporate storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including Sin City, which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series as well as That Yellow Bastard and The Big Fat Kill. Confirmed guests include Frank Miller, director Robert Rodriguez, and cast members Jessica Alba, Jamie King and Rosario Dawson.
If I meet Jessica Alba, it's OVER. You understand me? O V E R. I don't know if I mean my heart or the best part of my life but oh vee ay heche O V A H. Maybe I need to get back into praying...
Ambient music: Madness' "One Step Beyond"
7/24/03
2:00-3:00
Dimension Films: Sin City
Comic-Con attendees will be treated to an exclusive panel on Sin City, a feature film based on the series of comic books and graphic novels created, written, and illustrated by Frank Miller. Sin City is a series of stories of vengeance and redemption set in the grimiest, toughest city in the world. The film will incorporate storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including Sin City, which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series as well as That Yellow Bastard and The Big Fat Kill. Confirmed guests include Frank Miller, director Robert Rodriguez, and cast members Jessica Alba, Jamie King and Rosario Dawson.
If I meet Jessica Alba, it's OVER. You understand me? O V E R. I don't know if I mean my heart or the best part of my life but oh vee ay heche O V A H. Maybe I need to get back into praying...
Ambient music: Madness' "One Step Beyond"
7/10/04
Pocket 10
Past tense: "Roses", 5; "Growing On Me", 6; "Blow It Out Your Ass", 7; "All Falls Down", 9; "My Band", 10
(10) Modest Mouse ==> Float On [debut]
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute [debut]
(08) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks [debut]
(07) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love [8]*
(06) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue [4]
(05) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded [debut]
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion [debut]
(03) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out [3]*
(02) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out [2]
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems [1, 6w]
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses", live
(10) Modest Mouse ==> Float On [debut]
(09) Incubus ==> Talk Shows On Mute [debut]
(08) Kanye West ==> Jesus Walks [debut]
(07) Joss Stone ==> Super Duper Love [8]*
(06) Yellowcard ==> Ocean Avenue [4]
(05) Black Eyed Peas ==> Let's Get Retarded [debut]
(04) Juvenile ==> Slow Motion [debut]
(03) Franz Ferdinand ==> Take Me Out [3]*
(02) Beastie Boys ==> Ch-Check It Out [2]
(01) Jay-Z ==> 99 Problems [1, 6w]
Ambient music: Coldplay's "Moses", live
7/9/04
The New Million Dollar Man?
10k before the first commercial. That's like the dream I have where I open the door and it's Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie's limo broke down on the way to the blowjob contest but since the tow trucks are on strike they have to use me as a warmup judge.
52k for the day.
28 days.
$920,960.
Ken Jennings, Man of the Half-Year.
Ambient music: Eminem's "Lose Yourself"
52k for the day.
28 days.
$920,960.
Ken Jennings, Man of the Half-Year.
Ambient music: Eminem's "Lose Yourself"
7/6/04
Breaking the Circle
So, Edwards got VP, and I'm watching Network, so that's the quote you get until Dumbass gets voted off the island in November.
Just go to the polls.
You ought to be mad as hell, and you shouldn't take this anymore.
Just go to the polls.
You ought to be mad as hell, and you shouldn't take this anymore.
7/5/04
Blast You, Music Industry and/or Clubbing!
I can see it before the summer really even gets going: that "Culo"/"Move Ya Body" beat is going to become my If it weren't for my horse.... Oh, sure, I THINK I'm tapping out a blog entry but in my mind it's DUN dundun DUN dundun DUN dundun (optional drunken yell of CULO!)
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Ambient music: the Jets' "You Got It All"
Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
Ambient music: the Jets' "You Got It All"
7/3/04
A Brief Demonstration Of Why Everyone Should Buy Glued to the Set
I am watching a bit of the Wimbledon this morning. Maria Sharapova hits a shot that may or may not be legal. Instant replay comes up. Who do I have to thank for this? Some button-pusher in New York? A camerman in London?
Of course not.
It's all thanks to JFK getting his head put in El Paso.
Let me explain.
JFK gets shot. Putting aside the conspiracy theories and all of that, Lee Harvey Oswald shoots him. LHO gets to be a celebrity, in much the way I get to use "to impress Jodie Foster" as a running joke for why I do things. So the media would like an explanation, even when Oswald doesn't say anything. It's pre-CNN--a lot of buildup waiting for actual news.
And then they make actual news (inadvertantly (?)) happen.
Enough pressure is put on the now-harried Dallas P.D. to let them have more access to cover Oswald, in the hopes he'll say something. So they change the time of his being moved. It's in a hallway. All three networks are covering it, though only NBC is doing so live.
Now check this shit: because all this craziness happens, it allows some guy, and since this is America we'll give him a homogonous name like Jack--to shoot Oswald. LIVE. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Needless to say...well, hell, and I quote:
Thus television changed history twice on that day--first by literally setting up Ruby with his opportunity, and then providing America with its first dramatic, watch-it-as-it-happens national news event. From Ruby's bullet, to CNN in Baghdad, to O.J.'s Bronco case, the news would never be the same as it sought to capture--and sometimes create--similar events.
SO, once that happens, NBC & CBS have fucked up. Can't interview Oswald--dead. Can't interview Ruby--interrogated. So you know what they did, since all the networks were enjoying rare incest due to the assassination?
They got copies of the shooting from NBC.
And ran them for hours straight. With people to comment on it, and observe from the outside despite having not been there. Sound familiar?
That's about a chapter out of 60 in GttS. And seeing as we all watch TV like good consumerist Americans, you need to read this book. Why should we credit Rod Serling to be the first man to "keep it real"? How the hell did Bob Newhart stay on the air seemingly forever? How come the Cosby Show seems played and yet episodes of Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke seem to have that burp that locked in freshness? GttS knows, and it's worth whatever Amazon'll dock you to find out.
Ambient music: Ozzy's "Crazy Train"
Of course not.
It's all thanks to JFK getting his head put in El Paso.
Let me explain.
JFK gets shot. Putting aside the conspiracy theories and all of that, Lee Harvey Oswald shoots him. LHO gets to be a celebrity, in much the way I get to use "to impress Jodie Foster" as a running joke for why I do things. So the media would like an explanation, even when Oswald doesn't say anything. It's pre-CNN--a lot of buildup waiting for actual news.
And then they make actual news (inadvertantly (?)) happen.
Enough pressure is put on the now-harried Dallas P.D. to let them have more access to cover Oswald, in the hopes he'll say something. So they change the time of his being moved. It's in a hallway. All three networks are covering it, though only NBC is doing so live.
Now check this shit: because all this craziness happens, it allows some guy, and since this is America we'll give him a homogonous name like Jack--to shoot Oswald. LIVE. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Needless to say...well, hell, and I quote:
Thus television changed history twice on that day--first by literally setting up Ruby with his opportunity, and then providing America with its first dramatic, watch-it-as-it-happens national news event. From Ruby's bullet, to CNN in Baghdad, to O.J.'s Bronco case, the news would never be the same as it sought to capture--and sometimes create--similar events.
SO, once that happens, NBC & CBS have fucked up. Can't interview Oswald--dead. Can't interview Ruby--interrogated. So you know what they did, since all the networks were enjoying rare incest due to the assassination?
They got copies of the shooting from NBC.
And ran them for hours straight. With people to comment on it, and observe from the outside despite having not been there. Sound familiar?
That's about a chapter out of 60 in GttS. And seeing as we all watch TV like good consumerist Americans, you need to read this book. Why should we credit Rod Serling to be the first man to "keep it real"? How the hell did Bob Newhart stay on the air seemingly forever? How come the Cosby Show seems played and yet episodes of Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dyke seem to have that burp that locked in freshness? GttS knows, and it's worth whatever Amazon'll dock you to find out.
Ambient music: Ozzy's "Crazy Train"
7/2/04
What Is Bad-Ass Motherfucker For $737,000?
So I finally saw this Ken dude on the Jeopardy tonight and he is what they in the hood (where I'm from) call THE TRUTH, SON.
He got $10k in the opening round. IN THE OPENING ROUND! If Jesus came back to Earth and got on Jeopardy He would be lucky if he came out with $7,500. He blew a couple and when a woman closed within 4g he got the last 11 to close out Double Jeopardy. The board, if memory serves me correctly, holds only 30 spaces.
22 DAYS IN A ROW. I want to see some blood come out of him. I think he's a cyborg. Can we just lock him in a room and make him some sort of oracle who solves all our Pressing Issues and whatnot? Can he be our new Jebus? I bet he'd only take 3 days.
Seriously, if it comes on Monday, invest half an hour in Jeopardy and watch him work. It's like some Jordan jumper Biggie rhyming Picasso painting shit when he's on. To quote a wise Sicilian, inconCEIVable!
Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Someday I Suppose"
He got $10k in the opening round. IN THE OPENING ROUND! If Jesus came back to Earth and got on Jeopardy He would be lucky if he came out with $7,500. He blew a couple and when a woman closed within 4g he got the last 11 to close out Double Jeopardy. The board, if memory serves me correctly, holds only 30 spaces.
22 DAYS IN A ROW. I want to see some blood come out of him. I think he's a cyborg. Can we just lock him in a room and make him some sort of oracle who solves all our Pressing Issues and whatnot? Can he be our new Jebus? I bet he'd only take 3 days.
Seriously, if it comes on Monday, invest half an hour in Jeopardy and watch him work. It's like some Jordan jumper Biggie rhyming Picasso painting shit when he's on. To quote a wise Sicilian, inconCEIVable!
Ambient music: the Mighty Mighty Bosstones' "Someday I Suppose"
7/1/04
Starfuckers, Inc: July '04
This Is Gonna Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You:
Britney Spears (20), Monica Bellucci (22), Rachel Bilson (24), Gabrielle Union (25)
25. Halle Berry (18, p18)
24. Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
23. Victoria (7, p7)
22. Rebecca Romijn (debut)
21. Heidi Klum (17, p10)
20. Kim Smith (re-entry, p20)
19. Alyssa Milano (23, p12)
18. Gail Kim (18, p18)
17. Carmen Electra (19, p5)
16. Josie Maran (14, p13)
15. Kristanna Loken (16, p11)
14. Vida Guerra (re-entry, p6)
13. Christina Aguilera (15, p6)
12. Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
11. Beyonce Knowles (8, p4)
10. Sofia Vergara (10, p8)
09. Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08. Maria Menounos (13, p8)
07. Jamie Pressly (11, p7)
06. Adriana Lima (5, p5)
05. Angelina Jolie (3, p3)
04. Trish Stratus (4, p1)
03. Lindsay Lohan (6, p3)
02. Brooke Burke (1, p1)
01. Jessica Alba (2)
Ambient music: the Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"
Britney Spears (20), Monica Bellucci (22), Rachel Bilson (24), Gabrielle Union (25)
25. Halle Berry (18, p18)
24. Cameron Diaz (21, p9)
23. Victoria (7, p7)
22. Rebecca Romijn (debut)
21. Heidi Klum (17, p10)
20. Kim Smith (re-entry, p20)
19. Alyssa Milano (23, p12)
18. Gail Kim (18, p18)
17. Carmen Electra (19, p5)
16. Josie Maran (14, p13)
15. Kristanna Loken (16, p11)
14. Vida Guerra (re-entry, p6)
13. Christina Aguilera (15, p6)
12. Anna Kournikova (12, p7)
11. Beyonce Knowles (8, p4)
10. Sofia Vergara (10, p8)
09. Eliza Dushku (9, p3)
08. Maria Menounos (13, p8)
07. Jamie Pressly (11, p7)
06. Adriana Lima (5, p5)
05. Angelina Jolie (3, p3)
04. Trish Stratus (4, p1)
03. Lindsay Lohan (6, p3)
02. Brooke Burke (1, p1)
01. Jessica Alba (2)
Ambient music: the Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)