Dropped From Rankings: "Star", 7
(10) Ciara feat. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (9)
(09) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (3)
(08) Destiny's Child --> Lose My Breath (debut)*
(07) Jimmy Eat World --> Pain (8)*
(06) Green Day --> American Idiot (5)
(05) Jay-Z & Linkin Park --> Encore vs. Numb (10)*
(04) Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista --> Let's Go (4)*
(03) U2 --> Vertigo (6)*
(02) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (2)*
(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [6w]
Ambient music: Hootie & the Blowfish - Time
11/27/04
11/25/04
You Gots To Give It Up Now
Now begins my one-month of all altruistic purchase. December 25th. You're thinking "What can I get the man who has not much besides the restraining order Jessica Alba has on him lifted?"
Glad you asked!
DESIRED OBJECT: Jessica Alba
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Eva Longoria
DESIRED OBJECT: Psychosis mask
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Rey Mysterio mask
DESIRED OBJECT: mini-fridge I can stow in my room
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: new dresser because this thing is racing Tara Reid's implants in the Broken Down 500
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: NO SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU!
DESIRED OBJECT: Artest jersey
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Free Artest shirt
DESIRED OBJECT: a pair or two of 32 x 32 khakis to get into the club. Blue, maybe.
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: pair of jeans, similar
DESIRED OBJECT: Brooke Burke calendar
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Vida Guerra calendar
DESIRED OBJECT: Kellen Winslow powder blue Bolts throwback
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: an above average throwback (NO FUCKING LIME GREEN HAWKS)
DESIRED OBJECT: 20 gig IPod (check the side panel! It's a doable thing, people!)
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: a new CD player that shut all the way
DESIRED OBJECT: a committed relationship with a beautiful, smart woman
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: freaky one-night stand with some hot piece of ass who's name I barely remember and never see again after breakfast
DESIRED OBJECT: freaky one-night stand with some hot piece of ass who's name I barely remember and never see again after breakfast
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: a committed relationship with a beautiful, smart woman
As I think of more things (and, for you cheap bastids, more subs), I'll pile on this like a Dogwood samich. All right, now that you have an idea, get out there! Get working, 'cause you got a month. And remember--when the B man is happy, you get better posts.
SO MOVE YA ASS!
Ambient music: Aaliyah - Try Again
Glad you asked!
DESIRED OBJECT: Jessica Alba
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Eva Longoria
DESIRED OBJECT: Psychosis mask
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Rey Mysterio mask
DESIRED OBJECT: mini-fridge I can stow in my room
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: new dresser because this thing is racing Tara Reid's implants in the Broken Down 500
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: NO SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU!
DESIRED OBJECT: Artest jersey
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Free Artest shirt
DESIRED OBJECT: a pair or two of 32 x 32 khakis to get into the club. Blue, maybe.
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: pair of jeans, similar
DESIRED OBJECT: Brooke Burke calendar
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Vida Guerra calendar
DESIRED OBJECT: Kellen Winslow powder blue Bolts throwback
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: an above average throwback (NO FUCKING LIME GREEN HAWKS)
DESIRED OBJECT: 20 gig IPod (check the side panel! It's a doable thing, people!)
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: a new CD player that shut all the way
DESIRED OBJECT: a committed relationship with a beautiful, smart woman
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: freaky one-night stand with some hot piece of ass who's name I barely remember and never see again after breakfast
DESIRED OBJECT: freaky one-night stand with some hot piece of ass who's name I barely remember and never see again after breakfast
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: a committed relationship with a beautiful, smart woman
As I think of more things (and, for you cheap bastids, more subs), I'll pile on this like a Dogwood samich. All right, now that you have an idea, get out there! Get working, 'cause you got a month. And remember--when the B man is happy, you get better posts.
SO MOVE YA ASS!
Ambient music: Aaliyah - Try Again
11/19/04
Some Poor Busboy Just Got Waylaid
Had an odd, very late shift tonight. It was due to me being the Human Swiss Army Knife for what turned out to be the Padres Awards Banquent Slash Cerebral Palsy Fundraiser.
A hell of a lot of fun was had.
THINGS I LEARNED:
Ballplayers, past, present, or future, draw more dimes than a bank in a small town. It was like a All-Blonde-You-Can-Eat buffet with a few exceptions.
Dave Winfield? GOOD PEOPLE. That's right, motherbitches.
Cute girls can be hot wearing baseball uniforms. I don't know why, exactly, that's just how it is.
Doing the Christian pound-your-chest-and-point-at-random-"homie" to a mascot dressed up in a suit is comedy gold.
One of the local TV newscasters who's been on seemingly since before I was born is MAYBE five feet. When I dwarf somebody, to quote Sir Lewis of Black, thaaaaat's....fucked up.
Jeanne Zelasko cleans up nice.
Khalid Greene looks like Spicoli and is nowhere near as verbose.
But the highlight of the night...
Towards the end, Brian Giles gets an award. The man is a defensive wizard, in the running or perhaps has won the Gold Glove. An exceptional player on a good team. He grabs the award and goes to do the victory pose photo op.
It slips from his hands.
It is a big ass glass home plate.
*KEERASH*
I had the best vantage point, at the doorway looking dead center at the podium where the speeches and auction (surprisingly fun to watch) were held. Everybody in the room does the horrified gasp, which is the first time I can remember hearing that and not seeing it as a cliche in a flick or show. Ten seconds later, everybody from Tim Flannery to Randy Jones is laughing their ass off. I laughed so hard, the door I was leaning against went from autolock to self serve because I leaned against it so hard. Two minutes straight. From security to the cameramen from the local networks, just practically dying. It doesn't matter what Brian Giles does the rest of his life; hell, he could save Jessica Alba from a new millennium Armageddon, and every time I see him from now on it's going to be *KEERASH* *KEERASH* *KEERASH*
I say to the event manger afterwards "We need to pick up the shards and sell them on eBay"; sadly, she thought I was kidding.
And then, to conclude the night, in front of my boss I say to departing manager Bruce Bochy and general manager Kevin Towers, "I don't mean to tell you how to run your franchise or anything, but you might want to switch Giles to DH."
Towers was not amused. Everybody else thought it was hilarious, though.
I'm almost psyched for baseball season again. Who would thunk it?
Ambient music: Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam feat. Full Force - I Wonder If I Take You Home
A hell of a lot of fun was had.
THINGS I LEARNED:
Ballplayers, past, present, or future, draw more dimes than a bank in a small town. It was like a All-Blonde-You-Can-Eat buffet with a few exceptions.
Dave Winfield? GOOD PEOPLE. That's right, motherbitches.
Cute girls can be hot wearing baseball uniforms. I don't know why, exactly, that's just how it is.
Doing the Christian pound-your-chest-and-point-at-random-"homie" to a mascot dressed up in a suit is comedy gold.
One of the local TV newscasters who's been on seemingly since before I was born is MAYBE five feet. When I dwarf somebody, to quote Sir Lewis of Black, thaaaaat's....fucked up.
Jeanne Zelasko cleans up nice.
Khalid Greene looks like Spicoli and is nowhere near as verbose.
But the highlight of the night...
Towards the end, Brian Giles gets an award. The man is a defensive wizard, in the running or perhaps has won the Gold Glove. An exceptional player on a good team. He grabs the award and goes to do the victory pose photo op.
It slips from his hands.
It is a big ass glass home plate.
*KEERASH*
I had the best vantage point, at the doorway looking dead center at the podium where the speeches and auction (surprisingly fun to watch) were held. Everybody in the room does the horrified gasp, which is the first time I can remember hearing that and not seeing it as a cliche in a flick or show. Ten seconds later, everybody from Tim Flannery to Randy Jones is laughing their ass off. I laughed so hard, the door I was leaning against went from autolock to self serve because I leaned against it so hard. Two minutes straight. From security to the cameramen from the local networks, just practically dying. It doesn't matter what Brian Giles does the rest of his life; hell, he could save Jessica Alba from a new millennium Armageddon, and every time I see him from now on it's going to be *KEERASH* *KEERASH* *KEERASH*
I say to the event manger afterwards "We need to pick up the shards and sell them on eBay"; sadly, she thought I was kidding.
And then, to conclude the night, in front of my boss I say to departing manager Bruce Bochy and general manager Kevin Towers, "I don't mean to tell you how to run your franchise or anything, but you might want to switch Giles to DH."
Towers was not amused. Everybody else thought it was hilarious, though.
I'm almost psyched for baseball season again. Who would thunk it?
Ambient music: Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam feat. Full Force - I Wonder If I Take You Home
11/15/04
"It Is Time We Face Up To The Unfaceuptoable!"
Fucking hell, I'm going to have to get a new job. The torrent of hours at the SDCC have slowed to a trickle. And telling people I made a donation in their name to the Human Fund after me kicking out the jams for Christmas isn't going to cut it, I fear.
It's really a shame, too. Despite all the boredom that sometimes came along with it, I really had a lot of fun with it some of the time. Met my first girl there, heard some of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life, made good and great friends, and, of course, the money. Maaaaaaan, I'm going to miss that.
Of course, I started this here deal because I figured with the job I'd have something to talk about, rather than this being one big nonstop "This Is The Noise That Keeps Me Awake". But now, it looks like my days of looking like a train conductor for the sake of others is winding down.
Train kept a-rollin'....
Ambient music: the Hives - A Little More For Little You
It's really a shame, too. Despite all the boredom that sometimes came along with it, I really had a lot of fun with it some of the time. Met my first girl there, heard some of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life, made good and great friends, and, of course, the money. Maaaaaaan, I'm going to miss that.
Of course, I started this here deal because I figured with the job I'd have something to talk about, rather than this being one big nonstop "This Is The Noise That Keeps Me Awake". But now, it looks like my days of looking like a train conductor for the sake of others is winding down.
Train kept a-rollin'....
Ambient music: the Hives - A Little More For Little You
11/14/04
Consistency Now
Pointless Bowling Update:
So a game 35 above my average gets immediately bookended by a game 35 below, and since the number above the average in the first game is lower than the total number of games, there's no average change.
Simple math is fun.
Ambient music: Blondie - One Way Or Another
- 137.
- 152.
- 82. No, really.
So a game 35 above my average gets immediately bookended by a game 35 below, and since the number above the average in the first game is lower than the total number of games, there's no average change.
Simple math is fun.
Ambient music: Blondie - One Way Or Another
11/13/04
Rosser Top Ten
Kicking New Flava In Ya Ear: "Lose My Breath", What U Gon' Do", "Mosh"
Dropped From Rankings: "Somebody Told Me", 5; "She Will Be Loved" 7, "The New Workout Plan", 9; "Why", 10
(10) Jay-Z & Linkin Park --> Encore vs. Numb (debut)*
(09) Ciara feat. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (8)
(08) Jimmy Eat World --> Pain (debut)*
(07) the Roots --> Star (6)
(06) U2 --> Vertigo (debut)*
(05) Green Day --> American Idiot (3)
(04) Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista --> Let's Go (debut)*
(03) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (2)
(02) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (4)*
(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [1m]
Ambient music: Papa Roach - Between Angels And Insects
Dropped From Rankings: "Somebody Told Me", 5; "She Will Be Loved" 7, "The New Workout Plan", 9; "Why", 10
(10) Jay-Z & Linkin Park --> Encore vs. Numb (debut)*
(09) Ciara feat. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (8)
(08) Jimmy Eat World --> Pain (debut)*
(07) the Roots --> Star (6)
(06) U2 --> Vertigo (debut)*
(05) Green Day --> American Idiot (3)
(04) Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista --> Let's Go (debut)*
(03) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (2)
(02) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (4)*
(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [1m]
Ambient music: Papa Roach - Between Angels And Insects
11/6/04
Seeing Red
All right, let's see if we can get this here blog/life back on some less-controversial path, shall we? Can I kick it? The consensus seems to be "Yes, you can!"
So.
Aaron will understand when I say "I was wearing the mushroom 1-up cap". Basically since I bought that thing at Comic-Con it has always without fail ended up with me having a story to tell about my night out, whether it be drunken Michigan housewives trying to trade it for a map of their homestate or me randomly slapping the ass of of a birthday girl--the 1-up comes out, and the situations "1-up" from the normal.
Tonight, Ivan & I hit the club late. We didn't intend to, because my first caveat was "no clubbing tonight, I'm still recovering from Saturday". Of course, once I heard the beats everything changed. But we were slumming: jeans, me in my new "I'm Rick James--enjoy yo self" shirt. SLUMMING, ya understand. Eventually after walking around the Gaslamp we end up at Rock Bottom. $5 to get in, so what the hey. I'm dancing around, doing the scouting. Four girls in a group, all in love with each other and not in the fun way.
And a hyperactive redhead who keeps dancing and dancing and playing with her hair...
...neurons now moving...
...connections being made...
...it might be...could be...but naw...NA--really?
It's my life. So of course, it actually is Christy Hemme.
And then, a moment that goes down in the Rosser Canon. I think about it, and then I ask her if she's her. Which she is. But that's not the punchline.
SHE BLOWS ME OFF WHEN I ASK HER TO DANCE.
She walks out of the club, and I start cracking up. I don't know why that was my reaction, but even now I think it's one of the three funniest things to happen to me all year and might be the funniest. I stagger laughing like a maniac (in the middle of "Culo" no less) to Ivan, tell him that was worth $5, and go. So we spend the next hour and a half absolutely shredding Christy and going on what I can only describe as a "keeping it real" jihad. Current list of excuses I'm working on:
1) I still have the sniffles and she was afraid to catch something with the flu shot shortage.
2) She's gotten too Hollywood.
3) RACIST.
4) I was wearing my slumming clothes.
Please feel free to add on to that, by the way. So between shredding her--actually, I'm going to pause and keep doing it. Like she better than me. Paid the same $5 I did. Wasn't no magic $5. If she was really up on shit she'd be in On Broadway or E Street Alley at a place that cost $20. Like she better than me. PFFT!
So between that, we smoked premium orange hookah, flirted with the countergirl, and sent Amanda a myriad of dirty, filthy text messages that will be reproduced on request. Good times, good times.
First she got Gail Kim fired, and now this. Do anything for the fans MY BLACK ASS!
It's a good thing I found out now, because I didn't want to wake up in April hating myself for getting with someone so self-involved and living a shallow husk of a life. I wouldn't be able to live with myself! Why?
CAUSE I KEEPS IT REAL!
So shit on her, shit on Hollywood, shit on all you fake-ass C-list bitches, shit on the radio, shit on the Republicans, and if you don't like it you can get in line to suck my fucking cock; the line forms behind Trish and y'all can argue about the order after that.
Boy, you just wait until Iyari hears about this next year, she's going to fuck her up...
THE PUNCHLINE: Had to work a biker convention today (Saturday) and guess who got her own introduction?
Small world.
Ambient music:the sobs of regret on the pillow of remorse English Beat - Tears Of A Clown
So.
Aaron will understand when I say "I was wearing the mushroom 1-up cap". Basically since I bought that thing at Comic-Con it has always without fail ended up with me having a story to tell about my night out, whether it be drunken Michigan housewives trying to trade it for a map of their homestate or me randomly slapping the ass of of a birthday girl--the 1-up comes out, and the situations "1-up" from the normal.
Tonight, Ivan & I hit the club late. We didn't intend to, because my first caveat was "no clubbing tonight, I'm still recovering from Saturday". Of course, once I heard the beats everything changed. But we were slumming: jeans, me in my new "I'm Rick James--enjoy yo self" shirt. SLUMMING, ya understand. Eventually after walking around the Gaslamp we end up at Rock Bottom. $5 to get in, so what the hey. I'm dancing around, doing the scouting. Four girls in a group, all in love with each other and not in the fun way.
And a hyperactive redhead who keeps dancing and dancing and playing with her hair...
...neurons now moving...
...connections being made...
...it might be...could be...but naw...NA--really?
It's my life. So of course, it actually is Christy Hemme.
And then, a moment that goes down in the Rosser Canon. I think about it, and then I ask her if she's her. Which she is. But that's not the punchline.
SHE BLOWS ME OFF WHEN I ASK HER TO DANCE.
She walks out of the club, and I start cracking up. I don't know why that was my reaction, but even now I think it's one of the three funniest things to happen to me all year and might be the funniest. I stagger laughing like a maniac (in the middle of "Culo" no less) to Ivan, tell him that was worth $5, and go. So we spend the next hour and a half absolutely shredding Christy and going on what I can only describe as a "keeping it real" jihad. Current list of excuses I'm working on:
1) I still have the sniffles and she was afraid to catch something with the flu shot shortage.
2) She's gotten too Hollywood.
3) RACIST.
4) I was wearing my slumming clothes.
Please feel free to add on to that, by the way. So between shredding her--actually, I'm going to pause and keep doing it. Like she better than me. Paid the same $5 I did. Wasn't no magic $5. If she was really up on shit she'd be in On Broadway or E Street Alley at a place that cost $20. Like she better than me. PFFT!
So between that, we smoked premium orange hookah, flirted with the countergirl, and sent Amanda a myriad of dirty, filthy text messages that will be reproduced on request. Good times, good times.
First she got Gail Kim fired, and now this. Do anything for the fans MY BLACK ASS!
It's a good thing I found out now, because I didn't want to wake up in April hating myself for getting with someone so self-involved and living a shallow husk of a life. I wouldn't be able to live with myself! Why?
CAUSE I KEEPS IT REAL!
So shit on her, shit on Hollywood, shit on all you fake-ass C-list bitches, shit on the radio, shit on the Republicans, and if you don't like it you can get in line to suck my fucking cock; the line forms behind Trish and y'all can argue about the order after that.
Boy, you just wait until Iyari hears about this next year, she's going to fuck her up...
THE PUNCHLINE: Had to work a biker convention today (Saturday) and guess who got her own introduction?
Small world.
Ambient music:
11/3/04
VANCOUVER Ho
Unbefuckinglievable.
Is there any way I can get this side of the country to secede from the union? I mean, I realized I lived in the most liberal place this side of Amsterdam where boys kiss boys and nobody freaks out, but watching the absolute avalanche of red states is just depressing. After all that work trying to get new people to vote, all the ones who went for Kerry must really be having a crisis of faith about just how much their vote is actually worth.
The Dems are deader than Dale Earnhart. Their biggest charisma draws are a woman (Hillary) and a black man (Obama) and apparently the majority of the country is stuck back in the forties so you've got a better chance of seeing me escort Jessica Alba to the Fantastic 4 premiere than either of them drawing enough to win. No Senate, no House, do not pass go, do not collect 270 votes.
It's not a secret I don't have anything resembling love or even respect for President Squinty. (See?) And I can't imagine something's going to happen before 2008 that'll make me change my mind--assuming I haven't been killed for various thoughtcrime by then.
But, if there's anything I hope happens in the next four years, I hope Iraq doesn't become the new millennium Vietnam. The nearly 52/48 vote in this country (and I'm convinced 5 of that is 'Well, we're still in the war, we should let him finish') should show him that there is a large amount of the sect he still has to win over. Maybe he can do it.
Do I think he's going to?
Well...
Ambient music: Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For?
Is there any way I can get this side of the country to secede from the union? I mean, I realized I lived in the most liberal place this side of Amsterdam where boys kiss boys and nobody freaks out, but watching the absolute avalanche of red states is just depressing. After all that work trying to get new people to vote, all the ones who went for Kerry must really be having a crisis of faith about just how much their vote is actually worth.
The Dems are deader than Dale Earnhart. Their biggest charisma draws are a woman (Hillary) and a black man (Obama) and apparently the majority of the country is stuck back in the forties so you've got a better chance of seeing me escort Jessica Alba to the Fantastic 4 premiere than either of them drawing enough to win. No Senate, no House, do not pass go, do not collect 270 votes.
It's not a secret I don't have anything resembling love or even respect for President Squinty. (See?) And I can't imagine something's going to happen before 2008 that'll make me change my mind--assuming I haven't been killed for various thoughtcrime by then.
But, if there's anything I hope happens in the next four years, I hope Iraq doesn't become the new millennium Vietnam. The nearly 52/48 vote in this country (and I'm convinced 5 of that is 'Well, we're still in the war, we should let him finish') should show him that there is a large amount of the sect he still has to win over. Maybe he can do it.
Do I think he's going to?
Well...
Ambient music: Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For?
11/1/04
Starfuckers Inc.: November '04
Here's Some Bus Fare:
Natalie Portman, 18; Sarah Chalke, 20; Victoria Silvstedt, 24; Jennifer Garner, 25
25) Christina Aguilera (re-entry, peak 6)
24) Rachel Bilson (re-entry, 10)
23) Dawn Marie (re-entry, 22)
22) Rebecca Romijn (both 15)
21) Eva Longoria (debut)
20) Heidi Klum (22/10)
19) Jamie Pressly (17/7)
18) Jennifer Walcott (both 11)
17) Halle Berry (19/17)
16) Beyonce Knowles (23/4)
15) Kitana Baker (both 14)
14) Gloria Velez (both 21)
13) Carmen Electra (16/5)
12) Pam Anderson (both 12)
11) Kristanna Loken (both 8)
10) Josie Maran (both 10)
09) Vida Guerra (9/6)
08) Gail Kim (13/8)
07) Eliza Dushku (7/3)
06) Adriana Lima (6/3)
05) Lindsay Lohan (5/3)
04) Jessica Alba (2/1)
03) Angelina Jolie (4/1)
02) Brooke Burke (3/1)
01) Trish Stratus (both 1)
Ambient music: Franz Ferdinand - This Fire
Natalie Portman, 18; Sarah Chalke, 20; Victoria Silvstedt, 24; Jennifer Garner, 25
25) Christina Aguilera (re-entry, peak 6)
24) Rachel Bilson (re-entry, 10)
23) Dawn Marie (re-entry, 22)
22) Rebecca Romijn (both 15)
21) Eva Longoria (debut)
20) Heidi Klum (22/10)
19) Jamie Pressly (17/7)
18) Jennifer Walcott (both 11)
17) Halle Berry (19/17)
16) Beyonce Knowles (23/4)
15) Kitana Baker (both 14)
14) Gloria Velez (both 21)
13) Carmen Electra (16/5)
12) Pam Anderson (both 12)
11) Kristanna Loken (both 8)
10) Josie Maran (both 10)
09) Vida Guerra (9/6)
08) Gail Kim (13/8)
07) Eliza Dushku (7/3)
06) Adriana Lima (6/3)
05) Lindsay Lohan (5/3)
04) Jessica Alba (2/1)
03) Angelina Jolie (4/1)
02) Brooke Burke (3/1)
01) Trish Stratus (both 1)
Ambient music: Franz Ferdinand - This Fire
10/31/04
My Back Is Not OKAY!
What I put into it? A run to the dry cleaner and ATM, and buying a set of fake knucks and gold dollar bill chain.
What I got out of it? Recognized on multiple occassions without saying a word, seven straight hours of partying, nearly dry-humped into submission, a fresh set of digits, and pain coursing through my body like spiteful thoughts about the Republicans.
The bed is calling, and if I don't pick it up, I may die.
Happy Halloween, ya bastids.
Ambient music: Coldplay - Amsterdam
What I got out of it? Recognized on multiple occassions without saying a word, seven straight hours of partying, nearly dry-humped into submission, a fresh set of digits, and pain coursing through my body like spiteful thoughts about the Republicans.
The bed is calling, and if I don't pick it up, I may die.
Happy Halloween, ya bastids.
Ambient music: Coldplay - Amsterdam
10/30/04
Rosser Top Ten
Kicking New Flava In Ya Ear: "Let's Go", "Bridging The Gap", "This Fire"
Dropped From Rankings: "Culo", 5; "Triple Trouble", 7
(10) Jadakiss feat. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (10)
(09) Kanye West --> The New Workout Plan (9)*
(08) Ciara feat. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (8)*
(07) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (6)
(06) the Roots --> Star (debut)*
(05) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (3)
(04) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (debut)*
(03) Green Day --> American Idiot (2)
(02) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (1)
(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (4)*
Ambient music: Marilyn Manson & the Sneaker Pimps - Long Hard Road Out Of Hell
Dropped From Rankings: "Culo", 5; "Triple Trouble", 7
(10) Jadakiss feat. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (10)
(09) Kanye West --> The New Workout Plan (9)*
(08) Ciara feat. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (8)*
(07) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (6)
(06) the Roots --> Star (debut)*
(05) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (3)
(04) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (debut)*
(03) Green Day --> American Idiot (2)
(02) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (1)
(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (4)*
Ambient music: Marilyn Manson & the Sneaker Pimps - Long Hard Road Out Of Hell
10/29/04
Fuck Yeah the Police
5) Mean Girls
3) Spiderman 2
2) Garden State
1) Kill Bill volume 2
4) Team America: World Police
Ivan to me, talking about seeing it: It's the funniest shit I've seen all year, but it's so WRONG.
YUP.
So, about the sex scene: you'd think it wouldn't be that graphic but by the end I was taking transition notes. They cut a minute off that? Either there was a fake cumshot in that thing or they were talking dirty to each other because those are the only, and the Rock means THE ONLY things that had the MPAA's pussy full of shit like that.
Sometimes, pussies get full of shit. They're only an inch and a half away from assholes, you know.
The puke scene was immortal. Not since Stand By Me has one been so awesome. Everybody at the Dub is all hyped making Kim Jong-Il Villan of the Year, but what about Maaaaaaat Daaaaaaaamon--er, Alec Baldwin? Hell, I love this flick for letting me continue my stalking of Kristen Miller.
Anyway, should you see this movie? As the soundtrack of the year put it: FUCK YEAH!
Ambient music: Barenaked Ladies - One Week/Gettin' Jiggy Wit It/The Boy Is Mine/It's All About the Benjamins/Bittersweet Symphony/Ray Of Light from that VMA pre-show
3) Spiderman 2
2) Garden State
1) Kill Bill volume 2
4) Team America: World Police
Ivan to me, talking about seeing it: It's the funniest shit I've seen all year, but it's so WRONG.
YUP.
So, about the sex scene: you'd think it wouldn't be that graphic but by the end I was taking transition notes. They cut a minute off that? Either there was a fake cumshot in that thing or they were talking dirty to each other because those are the only, and the Rock means THE ONLY things that had the MPAA's pussy full of shit like that.
Sometimes, pussies get full of shit. They're only an inch and a half away from assholes, you know.
The puke scene was immortal. Not since Stand By Me has one been so awesome. Everybody at the Dub is all hyped making Kim Jong-Il Villan of the Year, but what about Maaaaaaat Daaaaaaaamon--er, Alec Baldwin? Hell, I love this flick for letting me continue my stalking of Kristen Miller.
Anyway, should you see this movie? As the soundtrack of the year put it: FUCK YEAH!
Ambient music: Barenaked Ladies - One Week/Gettin' Jiggy Wit It/The Boy Is Mine/It's All About the Benjamins/Bittersweet Symphony/Ray Of Light from that VMA pre-show
10/27/04
The Life of the New Apocalyptic Mind
Butch 0wns j00: You seem like you would know, so I have some questions
LegendaryRook: okiedokie
LegendaryRook: i will provide to the best of my ability
Butch 0wns j00: 1) This is the Apocalypse, right?
LegendaryRook: because not only am i a magnanimous human beig
LegendaryRook: being
LegendaryRook: but i am also your good friend
Butch 0wns j00: ^
LegendaryRook: this is not the apocalypse. by karmic standards, boston has been entitled to celebration of this magnitude for quite some time. many old men will die happy tonight, and their souls will be at rest.
LegendaryRook: overcoming the yankees, those dirty fuckers, has granted that team of Boston what could only be described as devine grace, making that team from St. Louis unable to compete effectively.
LegendaryRook: God has chosen the red sox for this year.
Butch 0wns j00: 2) Did they win because of the midget?
LegendaryRook: the team from boston won by the grace of god. karmically, the citizens of boston are entitled to respite from agony. they have adequately atoned for Babe Ruth. through this, and with great assistance from the talent of their players, god bless you Ramirez, they have succeeded. However. The midget helped, as well as every other private superstition initiated among fans of baseball. Wearing a certain shirt or a certain hat, ordering a certain drink each inning. This superstition is not inconseqential, though is hit has naver saved a a lost cause, every little bit helps. So the midget is responsible for helping Boston to win, yes.
Butch 0wns j00: 3) How many Sox fans died due to shock-induced heart attacks? Guesstimate.
LegendaryRook: Mani sox fans were at the brink of death. But before said death took place, they turned to their friends and loved ones and embraced them. This moment of delight and love saved them from certain death, of this I am certain. It is not just the shock of victory that happens, but also the delight of celebration among friends and supporters. Further, even the old men awaiting death's grasp have pushed aside the bony hands reaching for them. They will live at least until morning, taking time to reflect and give forth great joy in victory. No Sox fans have died.
Butch 0wns j00: 4) Is New England closed until next year?
LegendaryRook: New England will be closed tonight and perhaps tomorrow. Normal life will resume. This is also a factor of joy. Many would be rioters and revelers anticipate approaching their normal lives with renewed spirit, delighting in that their city has given them victory. The cause of celebration will allow those to approach normal activities with greater joy and gusto, and many will have a delightful time in their normal life activities strewn with joy over the curse's reversal.
Butch 0wns j00: 5a) How many white kids named Ortiz do you think are getting birthed in the New England area in the next calendar year, especially nine months from tonight?
Butch 0wns j00: 5b) How many women are getting first-time anal as a direct result of the Sox actually winning the Series?
LegendaryRook: Nine children will be bamed Ortiz. This is at best an aproximation, stemming from the fact that Cleveland's attempt against the marlins produced one newborn child named "Thome" which is far more rediculous than the proud name of Ortiz.
739 women will give anal unto their husbands tonight, not only in New England but also among the many Bostonites who retain their heritage and accent after moving from their homeland. 727 will never allow Anal again.
Butch 0wns j00: 5c) How many of the man engaging in 5b will make the partner refer to them as Papi?
LegendaryRook: 9.
Butch 0wns j00: 6) It would totally be worth getting fired if you could print a couple thousand copies of a paper who's front page was WW2-style white font on black background that said
Butch 0wns j00: HOLY SHIT
Butch 0wns j00: RED SOX WIN WORLD FUCKING SERIES
Butch 0wns j00: wouldn't it?
LegendaryRook: no
LegendaryRook: it would not.
LegendaryRook: convince someone else to do it
LegendaryRook: and then let them take the risk
Butch 0wns j00: 7) It would be acceptable for Boston newscasters & newspapers to loosen their ties for one night and be unabashedly biased, yes?
LegendaryRook: yes.
LegendaryRook: journalistic integrity is overated since what passes for journalism in this day and age is absolute shit. they should give love to their fans and to the team.
LegendaryRook: they would be forgiven
LegendaryRook: abusing office resources will not.
Ambient music: Gorillaz - 19-2000 (Soulchild remix)
LegendaryRook: okiedokie
LegendaryRook: i will provide to the best of my ability
Butch 0wns j00: 1) This is the Apocalypse, right?
LegendaryRook: because not only am i a magnanimous human beig
LegendaryRook: being
LegendaryRook: but i am also your good friend
Butch 0wns j00: ^
LegendaryRook: this is not the apocalypse. by karmic standards, boston has been entitled to celebration of this magnitude for quite some time. many old men will die happy tonight, and their souls will be at rest.
LegendaryRook: overcoming the yankees, those dirty fuckers, has granted that team of Boston what could only be described as devine grace, making that team from St. Louis unable to compete effectively.
LegendaryRook: God has chosen the red sox for this year.
Butch 0wns j00: 2) Did they win because of the midget?
LegendaryRook: the team from boston won by the grace of god. karmically, the citizens of boston are entitled to respite from agony. they have adequately atoned for Babe Ruth. through this, and with great assistance from the talent of their players, god bless you Ramirez, they have succeeded. However. The midget helped, as well as every other private superstition initiated among fans of baseball. Wearing a certain shirt or a certain hat, ordering a certain drink each inning. This superstition is not inconseqential, though is hit has naver saved a a lost cause, every little bit helps. So the midget is responsible for helping Boston to win, yes.
Butch 0wns j00: 3) How many Sox fans died due to shock-induced heart attacks? Guesstimate.
LegendaryRook: Mani sox fans were at the brink of death. But before said death took place, they turned to their friends and loved ones and embraced them. This moment of delight and love saved them from certain death, of this I am certain. It is not just the shock of victory that happens, but also the delight of celebration among friends and supporters. Further, even the old men awaiting death's grasp have pushed aside the bony hands reaching for them. They will live at least until morning, taking time to reflect and give forth great joy in victory. No Sox fans have died.
Butch 0wns j00: 4) Is New England closed until next year?
LegendaryRook: New England will be closed tonight and perhaps tomorrow. Normal life will resume. This is also a factor of joy. Many would be rioters and revelers anticipate approaching their normal lives with renewed spirit, delighting in that their city has given them victory. The cause of celebration will allow those to approach normal activities with greater joy and gusto, and many will have a delightful time in their normal life activities strewn with joy over the curse's reversal.
Butch 0wns j00: 5a) How many white kids named Ortiz do you think are getting birthed in the New England area in the next calendar year, especially nine months from tonight?
Butch 0wns j00: 5b) How many women are getting first-time anal as a direct result of the Sox actually winning the Series?
LegendaryRook: Nine children will be bamed Ortiz. This is at best an aproximation, stemming from the fact that Cleveland's attempt against the marlins produced one newborn child named "Thome" which is far more rediculous than the proud name of Ortiz.
739 women will give anal unto their husbands tonight, not only in New England but also among the many Bostonites who retain their heritage and accent after moving from their homeland. 727 will never allow Anal again.
Butch 0wns j00: 5c) How many of the man engaging in 5b will make the partner refer to them as Papi?
LegendaryRook: 9.
Butch 0wns j00: 6) It would totally be worth getting fired if you could print a couple thousand copies of a paper who's front page was WW2-style white font on black background that said
Butch 0wns j00: HOLY SHIT
Butch 0wns j00: RED SOX WIN WORLD FUCKING SERIES
Butch 0wns j00: wouldn't it?
LegendaryRook: no
LegendaryRook: it would not.
LegendaryRook: convince someone else to do it
LegendaryRook: and then let them take the risk
Butch 0wns j00: 7) It would be acceptable for Boston newscasters & newspapers to loosen their ties for one night and be unabashedly biased, yes?
LegendaryRook: yes.
LegendaryRook: journalistic integrity is overated since what passes for journalism in this day and age is absolute shit. they should give love to their fans and to the team.
LegendaryRook: they would be forgiven
LegendaryRook: abusing office resources will not.
Ambient music: Gorillaz - 19-2000 (Soulchild remix)
10/25/04
The Found Weekend
Thank you, Falcons "defense", brother's homework, mother, and sproadic Blogger for ruining my high. Irregardless, the point must go on...
Angel, you know it's not the end
We'll always be good friends
--Smashing Pumpkins, "Perfect"
It's so crazy, you don't realize you've got something sometimes until you don't have it anymore. And then, when it's gone...
So I guess this is the beginning of Act 3 this year: The Protagonist's Road to Redemption.
We've had a major neuroscience convention in town, and I've been pulling full shifts for a few days in a row. (CHRISTMAS PRESENT MONEY TONIGHT!) I'm off for a week and a half after Tuesday's, so like gravy on a biscuit and whatnot. Due to them covering the center, there's a lot of old faces coming back and there's a lot of new faces coming up.
FRESH FISH...*reads Rob's update*...eh, it's been done.
I get to be the mentor to one, and since we end up working coat check we pretty much turn into friends right away. Except she's sort of cute. Whuh-oh. Everybody's telling me to go for it, which I am loath to do due to the last one also being a coworker. I don't want to be That Guy, He Who Seduces Coworkers For Sport. Plus, once could be an accident, twice is a trend...
To make a long story short, I ended up with her number. I hope the drinks in Hell are better than they're cracked up to be. The sleaze of it. Another Chris Rock joke writ large on my life. "Can you help teach her this position?" "Can you help her learn how to work the coat check?"
After that last night I put some Lolita's in my gut and some of Aaron's foot on my ass at the bowling alley. What's better than victory? Victory when you're being taunted for hours straight beforehand. 119, 122, hence why the average is up a point. The sad thing about the 122 is I had like three strikes in the first five frames and then I sleptwalked 8s and 9s to the end. My accuracy was Zonesque, and drawing quite the enmity from Ivan and Cecelia as well. BOW BEFORE THE SINISTER FLING!
So that's one thing. Another thing is closure.
I saw Cristal toyesterday for the first time in a couple of months, and it went surprisingly well. I can't exactly pinpoint the moment, but we were talking and I came to the sudden realization of empathy being seperate from a union. And the moment it happened, the knot in the left side of my ribs I didn't realize I was still holding onto just came unraveled. I don't want to turn it into Mena in American Beauty but it was as close to her as her husband gets on a good night. So I finally feel good about that aspect of my life. I'm sure with all the time off I'll try and start things over with Liz.
So bring forth the new girls!
Ambient music: 213 - Groupie Luv
Angel, you know it's not the end
We'll always be good friends
--Smashing Pumpkins, "Perfect"
It's so crazy, you don't realize you've got something sometimes until you don't have it anymore. And then, when it's gone...
So I guess this is the beginning of Act 3 this year: The Protagonist's Road to Redemption.
We've had a major neuroscience convention in town, and I've been pulling full shifts for a few days in a row. (CHRISTMAS PRESENT MONEY TONIGHT!) I'm off for a week and a half after Tuesday's, so like gravy on a biscuit and whatnot. Due to them covering the center, there's a lot of old faces coming back and there's a lot of new faces coming up.
FRESH FISH...*reads Rob's update*...eh, it's been done.
I get to be the mentor to one, and since we end up working coat check we pretty much turn into friends right away. Except she's sort of cute. Whuh-oh. Everybody's telling me to go for it, which I am loath to do due to the last one also being a coworker. I don't want to be That Guy, He Who Seduces Coworkers For Sport. Plus, once could be an accident, twice is a trend...
To make a long story short, I ended up with her number. I hope the drinks in Hell are better than they're cracked up to be. The sleaze of it. Another Chris Rock joke writ large on my life. "Can you help teach her this position?" "Can you help her learn how to work the coat check?"
After that last night I put some Lolita's in my gut and some of Aaron's foot on my ass at the bowling alley. What's better than victory? Victory when you're being taunted for hours straight beforehand. 119, 122, hence why the average is up a point. The sad thing about the 122 is I had like three strikes in the first five frames and then I sleptwalked 8s and 9s to the end. My accuracy was Zonesque, and drawing quite the enmity from Ivan and Cecelia as well. BOW BEFORE THE SINISTER FLING!
So that's one thing. Another thing is closure.
I saw Cristal toyesterday for the first time in a couple of months, and it went surprisingly well. I can't exactly pinpoint the moment, but we were talking and I came to the sudden realization of empathy being seperate from a union. And the moment it happened, the knot in the left side of my ribs I didn't realize I was still holding onto just came unraveled. I don't want to turn it into Mena in American Beauty but it was as close to her as her husband gets on a good night. So I finally feel good about that aspect of my life. I'm sure with all the time off I'll try and start things over with Liz.
So bring forth the new girls!
Ambient music: 213 - Groupie Luv
10/20/04
Damon Is My Homeboy
the Game 7 running diary
All right, God, let's get one thing clear: you hate me, and I hate you even more! But if you let the Sox post the Biggest Comeback in the History Of Mankind over the Yankmes in their false house of worship I will drastically reduce the blasphemy.
For instance, using pigfucker in lieu of goddamn.
Amen.
Also, I have prepared this plate of cookies & milk. If you would like me to devour them in your abscence, give me absolutely no sign.
Thy will be done.
*munch munch munch*
*gulp*
4: After two straight days of rain, the sun actually emerges to fend off the rain. Looking for an optimistic sign? You bet your ass I am, there's a reason I started off with "Rusty Cage" instead of "The Day I Tried To Live" like usual.
4:45: Houston vs. St. Louis? Did anybody realize this was happening? Does the winner get the Robert Barone Cup? I want answers!
4:48: THE O.C. IS BACK NEXT MONTH!...uh...not that I care about that crap. Boy if Summer doesn't go back to Seth I am going to be pissed. What? Stop judging me with your eyes!
4:52: There's a hot brunette next to me, which is all to the good. Except she's got Starbucks. And a dog in her purse. Something must be done about this. I am not the man to do so; I'm just saying in general. I mean, women, c'mon, if you want to emulate Paris have more sex on tape! Jeez!
5:10: Jim Edmonds becomes everybody's favorite guy in the bar for 30, 35 seconds, knocking one out with 12 minutes left to go on Fox's time limit. Everybody is for the Sox except one Japanese guy in a Matsui Japanese uniform. It becomes hilariously sad as he is the only one clapping at certain junctions, and then no clapping.
5:20: "Under Pressure" AND "Guerilla Radio". Fox must be trying to get on my good side or something. Guess who said it: "He's a Yankee, and he dated Jessica Alba. By all rules and statutes I should be allowed to KILL HIM!"
5:22: You are FULLY IMMERSED in Fred's Mexican Restaurant! Alongside me is my boy Danny, born from a long line of Sawx fans.
5:26: Danny comes in and immediately proves his worth off the wingman waiver wire when referring to the Unholy Trinity in the booth: did I mention how much I HATE these motherfuckers?
5:39: "FUCKING JETER!" Yes, I am yelling "YOU SUCK!" at Jeter & A-Hole every time I see them. And I'm still sober.
5:40: Johnny Damon may look like God. David Ortiz IS God. Who's your motherfucking Papi?!
5:45: "From now on, the term 'Hi, I'm David Ortiz.' will be shortly followed by a zipper unzipping."
"Or knees hitting the floor."
"Either way."
6:08: The Yankees pitch coach is on the horn, and it's not to talk to Stat Boy. Me: "Suicide hotline? Yeah, I'll hold..."
6:15: What inspired Danny to find me again after 12 years. Seeing Stuart Scott on SportsCenter, reminding him of the youth we pissed away talking sports. Johnathon Damon. Doing the Bull Dance. Feeling the energy. Working, working.
6:15:28: Yours truly: AND THE LORD SAID YOU *GOT* TO RISE UP-AH!
6:20: The next table over, full of displaced Bostonians: it's going to be Paul Revere, David Ortiz, and Sam Adams.
6:31: "I'm talking to grains of salt. This can't be good." Right before the Grand Slam Heard 'Round the World I had I my lucky green mushroom 1-Up hat and put the salt in off the side of the margarita Danny ordered for me. So now the first empty glass is there and I have to recreate it with all subsequent margaritas. Danny would have me commited except it seems to be working. I now take back everything bad I ever said about Tom Coughlin.
6:45: Jeter scores a run. I apologize, and put my hat on.
6:55: Je sus WALKS godshowmetheway'causethedevil'stryingtobringmeDOWWWN Je sus WALKS with me. BEDLAM. And Danny wanted a triple. I SCOFF AT YOUR PUNY TRIPLES! The Japanese guy has a look that clearly says "Where can I commit hari-kiri?"
7:10: Danny, with no trace of irony: We need more runs. George was less flustered after the Kung Pao.
7:27: I feel guilty about the Yankees I don't go out of my way to insult, like I drew the third slot in that spin-the-wheel-make-the-snap-about-your-momma game on In Living Color. "And you! I don't know you! But your momma! Oh! She...really...uh...needs to do something with her hair! YEAH!"
7:31: They still make Aqua Velva? Is there a lighter fluid shortage? Has it yet been proven Aqua Velva and Old Spice are, in fact, seperate entities? HMM?!
7:45: The magic number is NINE.
7:52: Inside the Mind of Terry Francona: What color do I want my Jetstream? Blue? It'd match the water...nah. OOH, grey! No, that won't work. White! No, white gets dirty, I don't want to be cleaning it all the time. GREEN. Yeah. Well, maybe with a silver stripe or something....damn, how did Martha Stewart DO THIS all those years?
8:04: Danny is beginning to look more paranoid than a Black Sabbath classic. I assure him me & the magic hat will keep away the demons.
8:08: Pedro starts eroding. Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind...
8:15: You ever hear 40 people unclench at once? It sounds like something metallic falling down a well. Kinda creepy. Danny bows to me calling the groundball in advance and learns my old parable about the tree and the elephant.
8:24: The taunting phone calls have begun. Any other year I'd smell Deep Fucking Shit. Not tonight. Even Danny relaxes for a second or two when Damon gets back on-screen: God is on our side. Then he changes his name to Daniel X, Daniel Akbar, and Prophet DW just to be sure he's covered all the religious bases.
8:32: THREE.
8:50: The place is BUZZING. It's like Christmas Eve at P. Diddy's house.
8:56: Casually, to Danny & the neighboring table: This is all drama. The game is going to end at EXACTLY midnight their time. The carriage turning into a pumpkin, all that good crap.
9: Don't you EVER question me! Former telemedia major, I know how the game is played! Oh, also..
9:00:17: Everyone experiences the climatic moment of a favorite Negro spiritual called cel uh brate good times C'MON!
9:05: "What's white & black and chokes?" The biggest fan in the joint, who had a caballero vs. caballero with his Yankee-loving boss, thinks this may be the best joke ever. I am personally a fan of the two midgets who get hookers and adjoining rooms.
I'm not as big a baseball fan as I used to be, but after this, I'm all the way behind the SAWX. Could it be because they beat Al-Queda in pinstripes, thus concluding the
BIGGEST
CHOKE
EVER?
Probably. The fact is, I got to watch history tonight. This is almost as good as the Bucs beating the Raiders up the block.
Mushroom hat: $6.
Dinner: $23.
Watching the Yankmes blow it all like an overeager priest on their homefield after being three outs away from winning the series: PRICELESS.
I like to think the last thing that went through Steinbrenner's head, other than that bullet...
Ambient music: Guns N' Roses covering "Knockin' On Heaven's Door"
All right, God, let's get one thing clear: you hate me, and I hate you even more! But if you let the Sox post the Biggest Comeback in the History Of Mankind over the Yankmes in their false house of worship I will drastically reduce the blasphemy.
For instance, using pigfucker in lieu of goddamn.
Amen.
Also, I have prepared this plate of cookies & milk. If you would like me to devour them in your abscence, give me absolutely no sign.
Thy will be done.
*munch munch munch*
*gulp*
4: After two straight days of rain, the sun actually emerges to fend off the rain. Looking for an optimistic sign? You bet your ass I am, there's a reason I started off with "Rusty Cage" instead of "The Day I Tried To Live" like usual.
4:45: Houston vs. St. Louis? Did anybody realize this was happening? Does the winner get the Robert Barone Cup? I want answers!
4:48: THE O.C. IS BACK NEXT MONTH!...uh...not that I care about that crap. Boy if Summer doesn't go back to Seth I am going to be pissed. What? Stop judging me with your eyes!
4:52: There's a hot brunette next to me, which is all to the good. Except she's got Starbucks. And a dog in her purse. Something must be done about this. I am not the man to do so; I'm just saying in general. I mean, women, c'mon, if you want to emulate Paris have more sex on tape! Jeez!
5:10: Jim Edmonds becomes everybody's favorite guy in the bar for 30, 35 seconds, knocking one out with 12 minutes left to go on Fox's time limit. Everybody is for the Sox except one Japanese guy in a Matsui Japanese uniform. It becomes hilariously sad as he is the only one clapping at certain junctions, and then no clapping.
5:20: "Under Pressure" AND "Guerilla Radio". Fox must be trying to get on my good side or something. Guess who said it: "He's a Yankee, and he dated Jessica Alba. By all rules and statutes I should be allowed to KILL HIM!"
5:22: You are FULLY IMMERSED in Fred's Mexican Restaurant! Alongside me is my boy Danny, born from a long line of Sawx fans.
5:26: Danny comes in and immediately proves his worth off the wingman waiver wire when referring to the Unholy Trinity in the booth: did I mention how much I HATE these motherfuckers?
5:39: "FUCKING JETER!" Yes, I am yelling "YOU SUCK!" at Jeter & A-Hole every time I see them. And I'm still sober.
5:40: Johnny Damon may look like God. David Ortiz IS God. Who's your motherfucking Papi?!
5:45: "From now on, the term 'Hi, I'm David Ortiz.' will be shortly followed by a zipper unzipping."
"Or knees hitting the floor."
"Either way."
6:08: The Yankees pitch coach is on the horn, and it's not to talk to Stat Boy. Me: "Suicide hotline? Yeah, I'll hold..."
6:15: What inspired Danny to find me again after 12 years. Seeing Stuart Scott on SportsCenter, reminding him of the youth we pissed away talking sports. Johnathon Damon. Doing the Bull Dance. Feeling the energy. Working, working.
6:15:28: Yours truly: AND THE LORD SAID YOU *GOT* TO RISE UP-AH!
6:20: The next table over, full of displaced Bostonians: it's going to be Paul Revere, David Ortiz, and Sam Adams.
6:31: "I'm talking to grains of salt. This can't be good." Right before the Grand Slam Heard 'Round the World I had I my lucky green mushroom 1-Up hat and put the salt in off the side of the margarita Danny ordered for me. So now the first empty glass is there and I have to recreate it with all subsequent margaritas. Danny would have me commited except it seems to be working. I now take back everything bad I ever said about Tom Coughlin.
6:45: Jeter scores a run. I apologize, and put my hat on.
6:55: Je sus WALKS godshowmetheway'causethedevil'stryingtobringmeDOWWWN Je sus WALKS with me. BEDLAM. And Danny wanted a triple. I SCOFF AT YOUR PUNY TRIPLES! The Japanese guy has a look that clearly says "Where can I commit hari-kiri?"
7:10: Danny, with no trace of irony: We need more runs. George was less flustered after the Kung Pao.
7:27: I feel guilty about the Yankees I don't go out of my way to insult, like I drew the third slot in that spin-the-wheel-make-the-snap-about-your-momma game on In Living Color. "And you! I don't know you! But your momma! Oh! She...really...uh...needs to do something with her hair! YEAH!"
7:31: They still make Aqua Velva? Is there a lighter fluid shortage? Has it yet been proven Aqua Velva and Old Spice are, in fact, seperate entities? HMM?!
7:45: The magic number is NINE.
7:52: Inside the Mind of Terry Francona: What color do I want my Jetstream? Blue? It'd match the water...nah. OOH, grey! No, that won't work. White! No, white gets dirty, I don't want to be cleaning it all the time. GREEN. Yeah. Well, maybe with a silver stripe or something....damn, how did Martha Stewart DO THIS all those years?
8:04: Danny is beginning to look more paranoid than a Black Sabbath classic. I assure him me & the magic hat will keep away the demons.
8:08: Pedro starts eroding. Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind...
8:15: You ever hear 40 people unclench at once? It sounds like something metallic falling down a well. Kinda creepy. Danny bows to me calling the groundball in advance and learns my old parable about the tree and the elephant.
8:24: The taunting phone calls have begun. Any other year I'd smell Deep Fucking Shit. Not tonight. Even Danny relaxes for a second or two when Damon gets back on-screen: God is on our side. Then he changes his name to Daniel X, Daniel Akbar, and Prophet DW just to be sure he's covered all the religious bases.
8:32: THREE.
8:50: The place is BUZZING. It's like Christmas Eve at P. Diddy's house.
8:56: Casually, to Danny & the neighboring table: This is all drama. The game is going to end at EXACTLY midnight their time. The carriage turning into a pumpkin, all that good crap.
9: Don't you EVER question me! Former telemedia major, I know how the game is played! Oh, also..
9:00:17: Everyone experiences the climatic moment of a favorite Negro spiritual called cel uh brate good times C'MON!
9:05: "What's white & black and chokes?" The biggest fan in the joint, who had a caballero vs. caballero with his Yankee-loving boss, thinks this may be the best joke ever. I am personally a fan of the two midgets who get hookers and adjoining rooms.
I'm not as big a baseball fan as I used to be, but after this, I'm all the way behind the SAWX. Could it be because they beat Al-Queda in pinstripes, thus concluding the
BIGGEST
CHOKE
EVER?
Probably. The fact is, I got to watch history tonight. This is almost as good as the Bucs beating the Raiders up the block.
Mushroom hat: $6.
Dinner: $23.
Watching the Yankmes blow it all like an overeager priest on their homefield after being three outs away from winning the series: PRICELESS.
I like to think the last thing that went through Steinbrenner's head, other than that bullet...
Ambient music: Guns N' Roses covering "Knockin' On Heaven's Door"
10/18/04
Arrested Development
Is this happening to me because I use High Fidelity as a personal Bible, or since I use High Fidelity as a personal Bible this happens to me?
[inner reflection]
I'm very much confused and lost. Maybe it's because the march to the 10th reunion has been pushed in my e-mails the past couple of days, probably because I spent the last month getting haunted by the ghosts of Almost Pussy Past, but I feel like that Seinfeld season opener where George & Jerry own up to the fact they're not men.
I've been looking out the same window a better part of a decade. I've filled in the room with more clutter, and when I got bored with that I relocated the clutter to make the room look a bit different, but in all honesty, it's the same room and the only thing that's gotten bigger is me and the stack of Maxims.
As much as I hate it, I'm still here with the fam. Sure, it's financially the only option I have at this time, but it's still answering to their whims after more than a quarter-century occupying molecules. Maybe I'd feel different if the comp was in another room. Who can say?
Once upon a time my brother used to drive me nuts under this window playing with the neighbor girl downstairs right under my window. They were little. It was innocent and cute back then. Now my brother's knocking on the door of 11th grade and the neighbor girl is getting disturbingly more attractive.
I've been here, practically unmoved. Friends of mine, they've done things. They fly to the other side of the world and see things I don't even have the capacity to dream. They do the right thing and take on a child's welfare and sacrifice themselves for a Greater Good. They get married and start their own family. They get their long-term girlfriend, they get their job in la-la...
...Still here.
There are so many regrets, and living a trifling life drives them all to the surface. I wish I'd said something to Jenny in the w a y back when, wish I'd gotten a spine sooner, wish I'd get a better one now, wish I'd tried to ride out the Natalie thing instead of hopping to Annie, actually learned something in college besides the power of box wine.
I really wish I could make the first move and call Cristal back, not to get back together (not that that holds a massive unattraction for me), but to hope everything's all right with her and the problems she had are past tense. She was great to talk to.
I also wish I could make the first move with Liz, and bypass the entirety of 2001 with it. I keep thinking I should just pop up and say hi, but what's next? Can people go through what happened in that madness and still expect to resuscitate a friendship--a PLATONIC friendship, at that?
I'm entirely too far along the ride in the Mobius strip of my head right now.
What I know is either I need to shit or get off the metaphorical pot. And I also know the things we wish for don't always turn out to be the things we need.
But the novel beckons.
And the chaos in my mind is going to have to delegate itself to a low hum for the time being.
Disturbingly appropriate ambient music (it just happened this way, hand to Jebus): Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake
[inner reflection]
I'm very much confused and lost. Maybe it's because the march to the 10th reunion has been pushed in my e-mails the past couple of days, probably because I spent the last month getting haunted by the ghosts of Almost Pussy Past, but I feel like that Seinfeld season opener where George & Jerry own up to the fact they're not men.
I've been looking out the same window a better part of a decade. I've filled in the room with more clutter, and when I got bored with that I relocated the clutter to make the room look a bit different, but in all honesty, it's the same room and the only thing that's gotten bigger is me and the stack of Maxims.
As much as I hate it, I'm still here with the fam. Sure, it's financially the only option I have at this time, but it's still answering to their whims after more than a quarter-century occupying molecules. Maybe I'd feel different if the comp was in another room. Who can say?
Once upon a time my brother used to drive me nuts under this window playing with the neighbor girl downstairs right under my window. They were little. It was innocent and cute back then. Now my brother's knocking on the door of 11th grade and the neighbor girl is getting disturbingly more attractive.
I've been here, practically unmoved. Friends of mine, they've done things. They fly to the other side of the world and see things I don't even have the capacity to dream. They do the right thing and take on a child's welfare and sacrifice themselves for a Greater Good. They get married and start their own family. They get their long-term girlfriend, they get their job in la-la...
...Still here.
There are so many regrets, and living a trifling life drives them all to the surface. I wish I'd said something to Jenny in the w a y back when, wish I'd gotten a spine sooner, wish I'd get a better one now, wish I'd tried to ride out the Natalie thing instead of hopping to Annie, actually learned something in college besides the power of box wine.
I really wish I could make the first move and call Cristal back, not to get back together (not that that holds a massive unattraction for me), but to hope everything's all right with her and the problems she had are past tense. She was great to talk to.
I also wish I could make the first move with Liz, and bypass the entirety of 2001 with it. I keep thinking I should just pop up and say hi, but what's next? Can people go through what happened in that madness and still expect to resuscitate a friendship--a PLATONIC friendship, at that?
I'm entirely too far along the ride in the Mobius strip of my head right now.
What I know is either I need to shit or get off the metaphorical pot. And I also know the things we wish for don't always turn out to be the things we need.
But the novel beckons.
And the chaos in my mind is going to have to delegate itself to a low hum for the time being.
Disturbingly appropriate ambient music (it just happened this way, hand to Jebus): Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake
10/16/04
Rosser Top Ten
Obits: "Jesus Walks", 4; "Let's Get Retarded", 9
(10) Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (7)
(09) Kanye West --> The New Workout Plan (debut)*
(08) Ciara ft. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (10)*
(07) Beastie Boys --> Triple Trouble (8)
(06) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (5)
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon --> Culo (6)
(04) Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (debut)*
(03) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (3)*
(02) Green Day --> American Idiot (1)
(01) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (2) [2w]
Ambient music: R.E.M. - Strange Currencies
(10) Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton --> Why (7)
(09) Kanye West --> The New Workout Plan (debut)*
(08) Ciara ft. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (10)*
(07) Beastie Boys --> Triple Trouble (8)
(06) Maroon 5 --> She Will Be Loved (5)
(05) Pitbull ft. Lil' Jon --> Culo (6)
(04) Snoop Dogg ft. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (debut)*
(03) the Killers --> Somebody Told Me (3)*
(02) Green Day --> American Idiot (1)
(01) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (2) [2w]
Ambient music: R.E.M. - Strange Currencies
10/15/04
Dick Clark Ain't Got Shit On Me
Excuse me while I have a Barry Horowitz moment.
*pat myself on the back*
You know, a few days ago, I had my semi-monthly "What do you mean this much of the year's over already?!" monologue with myself. What was really left of the year? Halloween. Psyched for that. Going to hit the clubs as Lil' Jon.
WHAT?
OK, I'll stop that. What's after that, Thanksgiving. Then it's Christmas, and then it's New Year's Eve and the next thing you know it's 200fucking5 and the 10-year-reunion is on your ass like Pepe Le Pew. Like it's not already, but anyway...
So I was getting frustrated with the end of the year and the big blowout celebrations and whatnot. Whoo, Thanksgiving, pass the E & the Basement Jaxx. Whoo, the LAAAAAAAAAWD(™ Some Guy)'s birthday! Praise the Lord & pass the pimp juice! So that leaves New Year's Eve. And nothing against my friends, but we have the New Year's Eve parties of 50-year-olds. That sucks, I thought to myself. We need to have a goddamn PARTY. Marriage, work, pussy, we're growing farther and farther apart by the day and this is one of the few chances to get us back to the old school we-are-fam-uh-lee nucleus. What OUGHT to happen, I thought to myself, is someone needs to get a fucking room in a swanky place and turn a mother out.
That'd be cool.
And then suddenly, I remembered money can be exchanged for goods, services, and temporary housing in a room. Waaaaaaaaait a second, Cha-Cha, I says to myself, me throw this thing? And then, OF COURSE me throw this thing! Who gets the party started like me! Who just spent last night breakdancing to "It's Like That"? Who got a bachlorette party to get him fucked up? Who can dance all night? Who dat dipping in the Cadillac?! Well, that last one was Snoop, but point remained: you want something done right...
But FUCK! The goddamn year-bridging end of Auto Show! Now I can't do it, stupid job and the stupid work and the so rent a room downtown, genius.
It's perfectly all right to talk to yourself so long as somebody's listening.
So I now am going to be the host of a New Year's party in a swanky room a five-minute walk away that was only a couple of G's, I'm looking into getting a DJ, and have a 1-3-5 cost scale to try and make some money on the side from all this.
As a man wiser than I would say--hell, as I'm calling it--it's a New Year's Eve celebration, bitches. Enjoy yourselves.
Ambient music: Foo Fighters - My Hero
*pat myself on the back*
You know, a few days ago, I had my semi-monthly "What do you mean this much of the year's over already?!" monologue with myself. What was really left of the year? Halloween. Psyched for that. Going to hit the clubs as Lil' Jon.
WHAT?
OK, I'll stop that. What's after that, Thanksgiving. Then it's Christmas, and then it's New Year's Eve and the next thing you know it's 200fucking5 and the 10-year-reunion is on your ass like Pepe Le Pew. Like it's not already, but anyway...
So I was getting frustrated with the end of the year and the big blowout celebrations and whatnot. Whoo, Thanksgiving, pass the E & the Basement Jaxx. Whoo, the LAAAAAAAAAWD(™ Some Guy)'s birthday! Praise the Lord & pass the pimp juice! So that leaves New Year's Eve. And nothing against my friends, but we have the New Year's Eve parties of 50-year-olds. That sucks, I thought to myself. We need to have a goddamn PARTY. Marriage, work, pussy, we're growing farther and farther apart by the day and this is one of the few chances to get us back to the old school we-are-fam-uh-lee nucleus. What OUGHT to happen, I thought to myself, is someone needs to get a fucking room in a swanky place and turn a mother out.
That'd be cool.
And then suddenly, I remembered money can be exchanged for goods, services, and temporary housing in a room. Waaaaaaaaait a second, Cha-Cha, I says to myself, me throw this thing? And then, OF COURSE me throw this thing! Who gets the party started like me! Who just spent last night breakdancing to "It's Like That"? Who got a bachlorette party to get him fucked up? Who can dance all night? Who dat dipping in the Cadillac?! Well, that last one was Snoop, but point remained: you want something done right...
But FUCK! The goddamn year-bridging end of Auto Show! Now I can't do it, stupid job and the stupid work and the so rent a room downtown, genius.
It's perfectly all right to talk to yourself so long as somebody's listening.
So I now am going to be the host of a New Year's party in a swanky room a five-minute walk away that was only a couple of G's, I'm looking into getting a DJ, and have a 1-3-5 cost scale to try and make some money on the side from all this.
As a man wiser than I would say--hell, as I'm calling it--it's a New Year's Eve celebration, bitches. Enjoy yourselves.
Ambient music: Foo Fighters - My Hero
10/8/04
We Gon Rock This Muthafucka Like Three The Hard Way
Theivery abounds.
This here from Gwen. Who got it from Jason. Who got it from Grant. Who was a key grip on Wild Things WITH...you guessed it, Kevin Bacon.
10 years ago today, I...
1) ...was 15.
2) ...living at the last place I lived before this one.
3) ...beginning to settle in and feel comfortable at high school; as comfortable as one can feel given it's high school.
5 years ago today, I...
1) ...was plowing through my first go-round at community college to moderate success.
2) ...was taking English from the Lewis Black of teaching, someone who will get their due if the novel ever comes.
3) ...was convinced this Y2K thing was going to be a gateway to guilt-free looting. (Stupid lying government.)
3 years ago today, I...
1) ... was back here.
2) ...would've been clinically depressed if someone offical had been around to diagnose me, and borderline suicidal.
3) ...was seriously debating whether or not to flee to Canada. I still think I might.
A year ago today, I...
1) ...was absolutely flummoxed the Terminator got voted governor, as I had the good sense to vote for Larry Flynt.
2) ...still sucked at bowling.
3) ...just beginning to get over three years ago and going out at night like a normal single reasonably attractive man. Shut up, I am.
So far this year, I...
1) ...have loved and lost.
2) ...have nearly doubled my bowling average.
3) ...have given in and bought a cell phone I am now addicted to as I slowly become everything I ever hated this time last year. "Ew! People dating! HEY! Get off the cell phone so I can buy this vodka! Grr! Argh!"
Yesterday, I...
1) ...heard my dad cry for the first time in almost forever because a distant aunt died, and it shook me.
2) ...called up local hotels to figure out where the Project New Year's Eve Mayhem party I'm--hosting, for lack of a better term--could be held within reasonable price with proximity to work (working the International Auto Show probably both Eve & Day like last year).
3) ...spell-checked most of the novel to this point, took out something old and put in a new scene.
Today, I....
1) ...bought an Eric B. & Rakim comp CD, though I was rrrrrreally tempted to buy this Duffman vest-type-thing.
2) ...downloaded Liz Phair's cover of "Turning Japanese".
3) ...got a surprising $20 from my mom, the first free money I've gotten from her since the job kicked in. DEFINITELY the first since I started paying rent.
Tomorrow, I...
1) ...plan to use Mom's $20 to start a grass-roots investment in a major international company. Now, who makes Heineken?
2) ...am going to get down, and hopefully my revenge for the massive cockblockery that was this year's 9/11.
3) ...plan to use my last day off of the week to cram as much college football in as the clicker will allow. And hopefully win this Tribe anthology CD off eBay.
Final thoughts. Butch at 15?
"Who needs action when you've got words?" Kurt Cobain.
Ah, a particular favorite. Butch at 20, get after it.
"Can't nobody break my stride. Can't nobody hold me down. Oh, no. I got to keep on movin'..."
Hey, I wasn't fully cynical yet. 22-year-old Butch, bum everybody out.
"I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain--the only thing that's real."
Things'll get better, playa. Wait until you hear the Johnny Cash version. That reminds me--you'll like Johnny Cash. Sensible shoe Butch?
"Love ain't the answer, nor is it work. The truth eludes me so much it hurts. But I'm still having fun, and I guess that's the key. I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me."
Ambient music: Gin Blossoms - Day Job
This here from Gwen. Who got it from Jason. Who got it from Grant. Who was a key grip on Wild Things WITH...you guessed it, Kevin Bacon.
10 years ago today, I...
1) ...was 15.
2) ...living at the last place I lived before this one.
3) ...beginning to settle in and feel comfortable at high school; as comfortable as one can feel given it's high school.
5 years ago today, I...
1) ...was plowing through my first go-round at community college to moderate success.
2) ...was taking English from the Lewis Black of teaching, someone who will get their due if the novel ever comes.
3) ...was convinced this Y2K thing was going to be a gateway to guilt-free looting. (Stupid lying government.)
3 years ago today, I...
1) ... was back here.
2) ...would've been clinically depressed if someone offical had been around to diagnose me, and borderline suicidal.
3) ...was seriously debating whether or not to flee to Canada. I still think I might.
A year ago today, I...
1) ...was absolutely flummoxed the Terminator got voted governor, as I had the good sense to vote for Larry Flynt.
2) ...still sucked at bowling.
3) ...just beginning to get over three years ago and going out at night like a normal single reasonably attractive man. Shut up, I am.
So far this year, I...
1) ...have loved and lost.
2) ...have nearly doubled my bowling average.
3) ...have given in and bought a cell phone I am now addicted to as I slowly become everything I ever hated this time last year. "Ew! People dating! HEY! Get off the cell phone so I can buy this vodka! Grr! Argh!"
Yesterday, I...
1) ...heard my dad cry for the first time in almost forever because a distant aunt died, and it shook me.
2) ...called up local hotels to figure out where the Project New Year's Eve Mayhem party I'm--hosting, for lack of a better term--could be held within reasonable price with proximity to work (working the International Auto Show probably both Eve & Day like last year).
3) ...spell-checked most of the novel to this point, took out something old and put in a new scene.
Today, I....
1) ...bought an Eric B. & Rakim comp CD, though I was rrrrrreally tempted to buy this Duffman vest-type-thing.
2) ...downloaded Liz Phair's cover of "Turning Japanese".
3) ...got a surprising $20 from my mom, the first free money I've gotten from her since the job kicked in. DEFINITELY the first since I started paying rent.
Tomorrow, I...
1) ...plan to use Mom's $20 to start a grass-roots investment in a major international company. Now, who makes Heineken?
2) ...am going to get down, and hopefully my revenge for the massive cockblockery that was this year's 9/11.
3) ...plan to use my last day off of the week to cram as much college football in as the clicker will allow. And hopefully win this Tribe anthology CD off eBay.
Final thoughts. Butch at 15?
"Who needs action when you've got words?" Kurt Cobain.
Ah, a particular favorite. Butch at 20, get after it.
"Can't nobody break my stride. Can't nobody hold me down. Oh, no. I got to keep on movin'..."
Hey, I wasn't fully cynical yet. 22-year-old Butch, bum everybody out.
"I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain--the only thing that's real."
Things'll get better, playa. Wait until you hear the Johnny Cash version. That reminds me--you'll like Johnny Cash. Sensible shoe Butch?
"Love ain't the answer, nor is it work. The truth eludes me so much it hurts. But I'm still having fun, and I guess that's the key. I'm a twentysomething and I'll keep being me."
Ambient music: Gin Blossoms - Day Job
10/5/04
the Sort Of Intellectual Discourse Usually Reserved For Stodgy Old White Guys On Public Television
This is the awesome thing about my friends: they are all more compassionate and smarter than I.
This means we can have discussions about everything from organized religion to cleavage, sometimes in the span of five minutes.
Since I know what brings in the hits:
Two male friends have a platonic female friend.
Platform A states that the friend's cleavage is nice, and asthetically pleasing on a number of levels.
To counterpoint, Platform B is of the opinion this being a platonic female friend both are very tight with, to ogle her in such a fashion for any reason and any substantial length of time is disturbing and possibly borderline incestual.
So, I leave it to you, the PGE reader: who's right (if anyone, or is it both)?
Ambient music: Blur - Tender
This means we can have discussions about everything from organized religion to cleavage, sometimes in the span of five minutes.
Since I know what brings in the hits:
Two male friends have a platonic female friend.
Platform A states that the friend's cleavage is nice, and asthetically pleasing on a number of levels.
To counterpoint, Platform B is of the opinion this being a platonic female friend both are very tight with, to ogle her in such a fashion for any reason and any substantial length of time is disturbing and possibly borderline incestual.
So, I leave it to you, the PGE reader: who's right (if anyone, or is it both)?
Ambient music: Blur - Tender
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