My Most Rock Star Moment of 2006?

And the lesser pics. But honestly, does that have Christmas card written all over it or what?! (That munching sound you hear is me eating Dupin's soul.)

Rebel Without A Pause Public Enemy

Seize The Day Off

And every mistake I make comes back to haunt me
Still, I'm as happy as I've ever been...
--Marcy Playground, "Bye Bye"

Almost broke.

Possibly about to get fired.

Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care.

Let me get this all in, because I've got about five hours of sleep to get to.

I called off work, and went in. They busted me (not for the Con portion, for the comp portion). So I "should've stopped there".

Snuck in with Ivan. I waved my badge and said he was a new hire. Yes, I might use my powers for good someday. It wasn't the me aspect of the no-comp I got perturbed over, it's that I promised him and then couldn't deliver. In theory.

We ran around for a couple hours (I bought a Racially Profiled shirt) and went to the Kevin Smith speaking part. But not only was the almost a literal mile long, but I accidentally ran into a higher supervisor than the one who let my calling in sick go. He was berating me about how they'd had me on camera all day and forcing me out of the building [and Ivan by proxy, the part that bummed me out], and suddenly I had the perfect line to get fired on--you can scream at me until you grow an adult-sized penis--but I held it in abeyance. Later on I would hate myself for holding it. Jobs come and go, but a blaze of glory exit with a perfect line like that? Maaaaaan. Anyway, my kicking out of the building lasted all of 15 minutes. Where it takes the commonday idiot about an hour and a half, I snuck back through cutting to the front of the line, ambling upstairs, and pretending they lost my info in the mail so I could pay unlike everyone else they made wait.

Got back to the real line for the Kevin Smith thing, but he's late. They push him to the evening and I get lunch which is waaaaaayyyyyy too big for me.

I gear up for the Veronica Mars run and guess who I run into, Aaron McGruder & Chuck D just hanging out together. I get a picture with them and profess my admiration for their collective work. Normally this would be a much bigger paragraph, but later events....yeah.

I get in line about two hours early and I'm one of the first 15 in line. I end up talking with the guys in front of me about the Superman, the Pirates, and the Clerks II, and they are slightly awed I'm risking my job (did risk it, at that point) for this moment. Yeah, I haven't been waiting for this for months. Jobs come and go; great moments live forever. Then my friend Jen is walking out of the WB/CW booth, so I get to talk to her for a while,45 minutesish. It's at this point I'm asked if they can film me talking about Veronica Mars for a series of commercial bumpers that're airing in the fall on the CW to try and hook new viewers.

They want me to talk about Veronica Mars. On camera. To try and get others to watch. Which they could later televise.

Somehow they tricked me into doing it, and I broke down seasons 1 and 2, why it's a good show. I got to do it with Jen as my sidekick, which is a nice bit of a circle coming full.

I wait another hour and change as the line explodes exponentially ah ha ha SUCKERS and my new friends and I discuss how we got tricked into pimping the show. They show up and I start with the making ready. The camera's out. I pop Tic-Tacs (if you think I'm meeting Kristen Anne Bell with carne asada breath, stop a brick with your face). I get the phone ready on the off chance I'll have enough time to have her do the voicemail and thus drive Dupin to full suicide. She is so beautiful in person Baby Jesus would cry openly and clap his hands. I get the season 1 DVD set out. Line's moving quick.

There's a break and I'm next to Michael Muhney. And I shake his hand and go, "You're SUCH a great asshole!" Fortunately, he gets the comment as it's intended and says after laughing, "People always say that to me. 'You're a great dickhead', stuff like that. I have to keep remembering I'm a good person.' I say I'll see him in a minute, and then before I know it Zero Hour arrives.

My season 1 DVD set box is on the table, off to the races and a big fat check if I ever didn't love it enough to throw it on Ebay as the cast takes turns signing it. (ONE thing got autographed--however, they failed to delinate what the thing would be, I took a shot. It payed off. Who's house?) There's Jason Dohring, lowkey but with the Logan smirk. Handshake. Admiration for playing an asshole with a little bit of a redeeming side. There's Ryan Hansen, looking Dick (Casablanca)-ish as ever, and admiration for playing mean-spirited without malicious. He & Jason pose for a shot together. Fuck, they are really moving us along. Francis Capra, my favorite supporting actor, since Wallace isn't there (uberirony), and he confirms he'll be in season 3 but not how. Picture.

And then it's Kristen Bell and Rob Thomas and Enrico Colantoni all together like ducks in a row, in that order, and I damn near lactate. But first a picture. To Kristen & Rob I say, "I don't have the time to say everything that I want to say, but if you ever need anybody killed, I'm there." Kristen laughs--awesome girl laugh--and then she laughs at the shirt. Loves the shirt. My To: Women From: God shirt.

I'm a god. I'm not the God.

Then I ask her can she sign my arm as you see it above, and she only pauses a beat before accepting it. She almost signs, and then she calls over the network people. They were filming that too, because the VMars fans are so dedicated and apparently they're going to show that to hook people. I am a C.W. target market. Then she signs my arm, cameras rolling, and Rob himself takes the shot of his ingenue branding me--and it's a good shot, too. Patience, kids.

Enrico signs, I shake his hand and call him the best dad on TV. Back to Michael. He closes it out, and notes it's been a couple years and no one's ever got their arm signed.

My DVD box is back with sigs. Kristen Bell has signed my arm. I've met them all, and not only after an hourlong panel were they engaging, they were nice and appreciative. Adrenaline flows through my veins like the first hit of crack.

Keep in mind this is my favorite show, why I risked my job, why I got thrown out and dove back in, et al, only to watch it pay off and then some.

I start l a u g h i n g. I mean like a nut.

It doesn't occur to me for 20 seconds I've left my phone, and Michael hands it back to me with a "No, it's my phone! Yeah, now it's 'He's an asshole in real life!' More laughing. I told him it would've been an honor and a privilege and I go and I laugh psychotically all 50 feet to where Amanda's working the Disney booth and I show the DVD, the picture, and the forearm (forearm first) and then Carly and Jo happen by then and I show it off to them.

The Kevin Smith line goes into the next county and though Aaron's got a seat for me I won't get in. So I pick up my stuff, go, have a cherry lemonade grande, and keep gazing at my forearm and the New Best Picture Ever. Can't stop smiling. Why would I?

Meet Ivan and we hit a new hookah lounge.

Then we went to see my DJ buddy for the first time in a couple months and--on the way we met some VMars fans and some crew, who all loved the arm signature--he played some of my requests, we got the first round on him, he was damn glad to see me and pleased we came out. Not a lot of us but we made up for it in energy (me). We were going to go to a bikini fashion show but ended up hanging longer than expected with him, and instead ended up at Confidential so he could wear off his buzz. I lost a tenner in change (aw) but finally got with that hot Indian girl I see on my delivery route all the time and bumped and grinded with her a bit, which was nice. The Running Man, it's like Spanish Fly. I keep saying.

So time for four and a halfish hours of sleep, following which I'll go to work and see if I'm fired, suspended, probationed, or verbally smacked (3 prior years with a clean record. I'm not expecting the first, but if they do, well, fuck 'em.). And maybe I should be worried. But I'm not in the least.

I had a great day. I got to share it with a bunch of friends. I did it for 22 hours.

And I'm the property of Kristen Bell.

I'm willing to bet that looks sweet on a resume.

EPILOGUE

"Suspended for a week". Sounds horrible. Except it's today and my shift on Wednesday. And they're giving me half pay for today since I showed up on time like usual and all. So it's really a 9½ hour suspension, except they would've taken the lunch I would've taken today out of my pay, so it's a 9 hour. And I can't step foot on the facility. Because that's what I love to do when the Comic-Con's not around, hang out at work. Formal meeting Friday, I cop to everything and promise never before, never again (real easy to do when never again constitutes a time period between 3 weeks and 4 months), and that's it.

I had no idea I was such close friends with Michelle Rodriguez's judges. I'm getting the pictures in 45 minutes, send them off later, and actually get some sleep in my bed without worrying about leaving work the same time as 60,000 other people.

Even when bad things happen to me, good's in them. (Assuming I'm not fired, which would be sad, but only slightly.) What song should I play? Oh, I know...

Bad Reputation Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

Pros And Con

All right. Work crushed my soul. I did pick up a birthday present for Rob, and something for Dupin if he acts right. I ran into Amanda, which begat running into Carly, which begat running into Aaron. Hilarious. (Sadly, I missed the Snakes On A Plane confab, and, yes, someone asked SLJ if the snakes deserved to die. And got the answer. I honestly died a little inside having missed that.)

Post-work. Now we're talking.

Bought tickets for Clerks II.

Dinner at Hooters. I'm probably eating there tomorrow, but ah well.

Go back to the theater. Brian Posehn is outside, but it's Reno 911's Thomas Lennon I get the picture with (on the cameraphone, sadly, but I hope to have it up shortly). Aaron's camera doesn't work. He is sad.

Clerks II. Oricon, don't see this movie. Everyone else, go see it 4 times. I'm in the credits, but even if I wasn't, I would be angling for a way to sneak on there. Other than the Big Sappy Ending--which probably had to happen--your internal organs will be in danger from all the laughing. It should also be noted even with my loose moral attitude I screamed out "Oh, my God!" and covered my eyes on at least 2 seperate occasions. So now you know.

Now: calling off work, asking Kevin Smith what's a Nubian, drooling over Jennifer Love Hewitt, telling Kristen Bell I want to bear her children, dinner with friends, hitting the club for my DJ friend, hitting the club across the street for the bikini fashion show.

Oh yeah--calling off work so I can use my comp tickets courtesy of work to go to work to go to the Con. I keeps it gangsta likes that.

Misery Soul Asylum

This Post Is Brought To You By The Letter S (Snapshots, Stargazing, Schedule-making)

The photo album is now in effect, except of course for the '06 Comic-Con pictures since it's not until next week. I'm already very cautiously psyched since Kevin Smith is in for Clerks II: Eclectic Burger Crew and Samuel L. Jackson is going to be doing some press for SNAKES ON A PLANE~! Plus, I'm either calling off or getting off Saturday to meet Kristen Bell, give her a birthday present (mind out of the gutter, you sickos), maybe get her to record my voicemail message, and finally cause Dupin to kill himself.

Oh, the whole my-personal-life-is-sterling-but-I-may-have-to-kill-my-family thing is still in effect.

Dream Itinerary
THURSDAY
Lucy Lawless, Susan Ward 12-1:30
Rosario Dawson 1-2
Amy Smart 3-5

FRIDAY
Snoop, Brande Roderick 12-1
Ali Larter, Hayden Panettiere 12:30-2
BattleStar Galactica (Grace Park & Tricia Helfer aren't listed...yet(?)) 2-3
RZA 3-4
David Boreanaz 3-4
Jamie Pressly 4-5
Boondocks panel 5-6
SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE, acting painstakingly done by SAMUEL JACKSON! It'll make you laugh! You'll be coughing up popcorn in no time! You might even fight an usher or two! Mmm-mmm, bitch! Oh, 5:45-7

S A T U R D A Y (either I'm calling off or getting off, I'm not missing this)
Greg the Bunny/Seth Green 11:30-12:30
Rose McGowan 11:45-12:45
Simpsons panel 12 -1
Kevin Smith 1-2:30
Jennifer Love Hewitt 3:30-4:30
VERONICA MARS panel 4:30-5:30 (with followup autograph session. And I'm getting Kristen Bell a birthday present.)

SUNDAY
Ashley Scott 11:30-1
Amber Tamblyn, Arielle Kebbel 12-1
Reno 911 1-2:30

Sweet Child O' Mine Guns N' Roses

KWBR

My photo album is a work in progress.

DROPS:
"Ms. New Booty" --> 4, "Walk Away" --> 7, "Hustlin'" --> 15

fifteen Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (re-entry)
fourteen Temperature Sean Paul (5)
thirteen I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor Arctic Monkeys (10)
twelve Where'd You Go Fort Minor (14)
eleven Steady, As She Goes the Raconteurs (11)

ten
Ain't No Other Man Christina Aguilera (9)
nine
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (6)
eight
Move Along the All-American Rejects (re-entry)
seven
Deja Vu Beyonce feat. Jay-Z (debut)
six
Life Wasted Pearl Jam (13)*

five
Number 1 Pharrell feat. Kanye West (12)*
four
It's Goin' Down Yung Joc (8)*

three
Me & U Cassie (2)

two
Promiscuous Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (3)*

one
Crazy Gnarls Barkley (1) [1m]

Shake A Move DJ Spider vs. Ying Yang Twins & Pitbull vs. Young MC

This Was Supposed To Be The Summer Of George

Constant refutation with myself
The victim of Catch-22
Green Day, "Walking Contradiction"

I've been holding this post in abeyance a day because I thought maybe if I gave it some time, that I'd be less the cauldron of emotions and could instead deliver a passionate but detached post on it at this point in time.

NOPE.

Grandma got here two days early and will be leaving never. I'm sorry, allegedly Thursday. I have never felt more distant from this family the more they are continuing to lean on me. My room was barely mine to begin with as my meager possessions began to get crowded out by my parents', but that was nothing. Grandma's discarded clothes on the floor (both soiled and unsoiled), runny Kleenexes (can't give her cold medicine, it might punchup with one of the 11 pills she takes a day), her pads, her Depends, and about a tenth of her closet. You may be wondering where that leaves me--attached at the wrist to the portable DVD player with my head down. I don't get sleep much, and if I do my body is sure to wake me up. My Grandma is like having a daughter I didn't want fathered by some other guy. Got to wake up at 4:30? That'll happen. Got to clean up after she misses the toilet? Wants coffee during a heat wave? And on, and on, and on.

This wasn't my place before, and it's really about to not be. The switch over to condos is on and we're out at the end of the month. Do we have a new place? No. A prospect? Nope. Am I going to have to move into a 2b and bunk with my brother for the first time since Bush the Elder? Looks like it. Am I going to have to help everyone else pack the other 92% of the house that isn't mine?

I'm shut-in into the corner of the apartment and even that's not far away enough. I'm really angry because I'm almost in a second personal Renaissance of pulling quality girls and getting interesting job offers, but I can't devote the full resources to them as I'd like even after the move to who-fucking-knows-where because I'm still on the hook for the Grandma thing until a home, a caretaker, or death. (Tempted as I am to walk at the end of the month, who does that to family?) And all I keep thinking is If my parents weren't so fucking incompetent, I wouldn't be spending the summer rooming with my brother. You cannot have brothers our ages room together in a best-case scenario, and you damn sure can't do it after giving them about 10 of the most formative years apart with their own personal space.

I have gotten to the heart of why this is pissing me off so royally. It's combining two things I really hate in being fake (in having to subliminate all this vitriol to where it should go and instead letting fly here and to my friends) and getting in the middle of drama, wrapped up in a family situation.

Good thing I'm not working a full shift tomorrow probably for some bullshit aryan youth church thing...wait...

Tell Me When To Go (remix) E-40 feat. Kanye West & Ice Cube

The Best Picture Ever

Ladies and gentlemen, start your captions!

We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off Jermaine Stewart

Before KWBR, A Few Bullet Points...

RANDOM: I can't sleep more than five consecutive hours anymore without waking up. I wonder why THAT is he asked himself as rhetorisarcastically as he could...

RANDOM II: Two more games of poker. In for $20, made about $27. But my not-lose-money streak is currently at 6 and counting. BTW, if you're really looking to piss off your friends, flop a set of threes and then slowplay them when they have top 2 pair. Also, I've changed my poker nickname to Black Jesus. Not because of the resemblance to Chris Ferguson, but because the Dark Horse was a better name when I didn't know as much and thought of myself as the perennial underdog. As Biggie said, Things Done Changed.

RANDOM III: Seven friend invites to MySpace from random ass girls within 22 minutes, half of them looking for webcam love. SEVEN! I know I'm single currently and love porn and all that but DAG yo.

RANDOM IV: I don't know what the fucking holdup is, but Jessica Biel & Kelly Clarkson need to pudding wrestle for charity for the Best Ass On A White Girl Championship already.

RANDOM V: I don't know if any of you have heard of this Jessica Alba woman, but apparently she's an actress or something? Anyway, she's doing something-or-other so you might want to keep your eye on her. She could become a Regulation Hottie someday if she keeps this up, I think.
---------AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT---------

Seriously, I could've done a top 20 this week. But that'd make me like everybody else that's why/I say/fuck it

DROPS:
"What You Know" --> 10, "Not Ready To Make Nice" --> 11, "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me" --> 12, "Bossy" --> 13, "Move Along" --> 14, "When You're Mad" --> 15

fifteen Hustlin' Rick Ross (debut)
fourteen Where'd You Go Fort Minor (re-entry)
thirteen Life Wasted Pearl Jam (9)
twelve Number 1 Pharrell feat. Kanye West (debut)
eleven Steady, As She Goes the Raconteurs (re-entry)

ten
I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor Arctic Monkeys (8)
nine
Ain't No Other Man Christina Aguilera (debut)
eight
It's Goin' Down Yung Joc (debut)
seven
Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (6)
six
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (5)

five
Temperature Sean Paul (2)
four
Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (1)

three
Promiscuous Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (7)*

two
Me & U Cassie (4)*

ONE
Crazy Gnarls Barkley (3) [2w]

Number One Single Lisa Loeb

Cuarenta Caliente

1. Jessica Alba, To The Shock Of Absolutely No One (=)
2. Angelina Jolie (return)
3. Eva Longoria (2)
4. Trish Stratus (3)
5. Jennifer Walcott (6)*
6. Kate Beckinsale (10)*
7. Stacy Keibler (8)
8. Jennifer Love Hewitt (9)
9. Salma Hayek (4)
10. Shakira (7)
11. Beyonce (18)
12. Charisma Carpenter (13)*
13. Katherine Heigl (5)
14. Raquel Gibson (15)*
15. Halle Berry (11)
16. Brooke Burke (12)
17. Vida Guerra (16)
18. Kim Smith (19)
19. Sofia Vergara (20)
20. Mariah Carey (33)*
21. Jessica Biel (14)
22. Summer Altice (25)
23. Scarlett Johansson (22)
24. Sarah Shahi (=)
25. Elizabeth Hurley (30)*
26. C.J. Gibson (36)*
27. Keira Knightley (40)*
28. Mayra Veronica (27)
29. Esther Baxter (31)
30. Marisa Miller (26)
31. Carmen Electra (17)
32. Kristen Bell (21)
33. Jamie Pressly (32)
34. Anna Kournikova (23)
35. Lacey Chabert (29)
36. Monica Bellucci (28)
37. Gabrielle Union (return)
38. Vanessa Minillo (debut)
39. Eva Mendes (34)
40. Petra Nemcova (return)

DROPPED:
Shannon Elizabeth/35, Alyssa Milano/37, Michelle Trachtenberg/38, Kelly Hu/39

I Left My Heart In San Francisco Tony Bennett

It's Like A Jungle SOMETIMES?

Here's the thing: my indvidiual life is great. I don't always like my job, but the people in my job like me. I'm in as good a shape as someone who doesn't work out ever besides walking and dancing can be. I'm interested in a couple of girls and more importantly a couple of girls are interested in me.

And yet, my family.

My dad's back to Pittsburgh because my uncle has cancer. (I'd be sadder but the last time I saw 98.3% of the family, I was 3.) He's going to be gone for two weeks. So my grandma's at my house. By which I mean my room. By which I mean my bed at night. The room already smells like her, and there's a reason you can't buy Grandma flavor on a little tree for your car. She's sitting in the computer chair listening to the oldies radio (THE BED IS RIGHT THERE), and the other computer chair is filled with her clothes. I'm writing this in a fucking stepstool. No, I'm not kidding for comedic effect. I got called twice on the way home from work, and when I did get to the house, everybody else in the family booked. I had work this weekend (all day yesterday, ridiculous early today, consecutive graduations) and I had to sleep on the side of her bed she doesn't use. And now that I'm off, I'm pretty much going to have to watch her, oh, about 18 hours a day and not sleep in my bed until the Fourth of July. Oh, and since I kicked in the big Father's Day gift I'm almost broke until Friday. Good luck with privacy. Good luck with having a life. Room? What room?

Please keep this paragraph in mind if I happen to go crazy during the next couple of weeks.

Only The Lonely Roy Orbison

A Double-Double Animal Style

FOR: Matt Spaulding (at least until the time comes in the fall when I'll have to bitchslap him in fantasy football. Riverside Motherfuckers!)

FOR: Vegging out on Veronica Mars for a few hours on a lazy Saturday until you get ready to do the damn thing.

FOR: Kristen Bell, always. "Shut up! If I wanted to hear you speak I'd wave a Snausage over your nose!" I mean, my GOD! Somebody check that putz's dental records, it'll be the only way we can I.D. him...

AGAINST: Amanda topping me. She always tops me. There was some Berkeley alumni mixer deal and she met Susanna Hoffs. And I'd still hit that. (Susanna, I mean.)

FOR: MySpace's IM working again.

AGAINST: My friend Dan not being able to come.

FOR: My friend Dan not being able to come.

AGAINST: My parents turning an excursion into a three-hour trip and thus making me wash up as opposed to the full-fledged shower.

FOR: Having friends at the pizza place.

FOR: The random-ass trio of hot chicks sitting at the counter in said dingy little pizza place, all sorts of glammed out.

AGAINST: Meeting them after already having two girls to meet in an hour.

FOR: The good thing about stopping in at places where they know you is after a while you just sort of do the whole Swingers-at-the-Dresden thing: you look at the line, you chuckle inside, you say hi to the security guy (or if you're lucky, the coquettish girl who takes cover and stamps your hand where applicable) and just sort of breeze in.

AGAINST: Not seeing my buddy Matt at the Bitter End after he hooked me up Friday. Might've been his night off or he was in and left already. Whatever. You gotta keep your VIP hookups happy. If they're not happy, you're cast right back down with the Sodomites.

FOR: Confidential remaining the best kept secret in the Gaslamp...

AGAINST: ...apparently not tonight, though!

AGAINST: Not knowing there was some sort of white party going on.

FOR: Have you ever seen a bunch of model-level chicks wearing all white? If you have the means, I highly suggest doing so.

FOR: So I've fallen for the hottest bartender in the Gaslamp. But can you blame me? She's blonde, she's 6'2", she keeps wearing corsets and bustiers, she models part-time, and she gives me Heineken! C'mon now.

FOR: The DJ spinning "I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor" and the Mark Ronson remix of "Just". It takes some chutzpah to remix Radiohead, and it takes skill to do it well.

AGAINST: Annnnnnnnnd now I'm late. Gotta Kenny Smith...

AGAINST: VIP line is long.

FOR: Holding up Bruce Lee's "Be water." maxim in times of stress.

AGAINST: The two foreign guys behind me. Nice guys, but I'd be relegated to being the funny one.

AGAINST: Amanda, listening to Third Eye Blind and calling me up to make sure I knew. Stupid LA and its stupid...whatever.

AGAINST: Emily taunting me from downstairs on Evey's dime.

FOR: Let's just say the possibility I open FHM in the near future, look at the My Best Friend page and let out a Cameron-in-Ferrisesque scream (except of joy) is now on the table.

FOR: ...boy, if you think I was insufferable before and that happens...

FOR: Aaron's hilariously wrong guess of what "auditoning" constituted.

FOR: 20 minutes. Could've been better, could've been worse. Being water. Move along, move along, like I know you do...

AGAINST: The price hike since the last time.

FOR: Good thing I'm not paying it!

FOR: On Broadway used to be my favorite club downtown [insert neon As Seen On MTV's Sweet 16 sign here--Natalie Viscuso, the owner's daughter and blonde hottie...who might be legal now...where the hell was I? Oh, right: stay out of my booze] because it's an old bank building severely Bondsified. I've mentioned this before, but ah, well. It's like a superhero; there's even an OFFICE SPACE AVAILABLE sign hanging outside on the corner under the giant old school clock. Inside, however, you got pretty much a bank's space except with a giant bar and dance floor in lieu of financial transactions and desks. And 5 rooms downstairs. One of which is the vault. Yes, they took an old vault, laid down shag carpeting, put a bar in there and some couches. And that's where I'm to meet Marisa & Emily. On my way.

AGAINST: The last nervous jolt from my stomach.

FOR: No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. Tyler Durden Tyler Durden TYLER DURDEN!

FOR: "So your friend didn't make it. (smirk)" "I know, I know. He left this long ramble on my voicemail. The gist of it is he's very gay. (bigger smirk)"

FOR: Randomly running into my buddy JP. So this is by a rough count, 7 old friends I haven't seen in 5 years+ in the past four months.

FOR: It's 11, it's On Broadway, and I'm doublefisting Heinies. The more things change, et al.

FOR: Confused jealous looks.

FOR?: Is that...no...

FOR: The thing in my peripheral that I think it is is actually the thing I think it is. Natalie & Melissa, from earlier travails. Yes, my hot first-ever high school now nurse crush and her best friend.

AGAINST: 4 women. 1 man. Any Fool Could See There Was Going To Be Trouble. And yet...

FOR: Who da fi-yah? I the fi-yah!

AGAINST: Ooh, Emily gave me a look when I introduced Natalie. She's lucky this isn't NINETYsix...

FOR: Playing it cool. As much as I can allow.

AGAINST: Natalie & Melissa coming back with guys who are below me.

FOR: Are they trying to get me?

AGAINST: Does Emily think they're trying to get me?

FOR: I love Joey Styles commentary. You know why? 'Cause it's happening in my head right now. And I think the tuned-in of you know which word. It is on like Donkey Kong to the break of dawn out in the lawn singing Bang A Gong.

FOR: Emily giving me her number.

AGAINST:

Wait...

FOR: Natalie & Melissa wanting a picture with me.

Wait..

AGAINST? I dunno.

FOR: Natalie waiting for the picture, and then putting her knee in my groin.

AGAINST: Oh, man, that is going to be one epic face when the pictures come out.

AGAINST: I have seen the look on Emily's face before. And it is not an invitation to crepes at IHOP.

FOR: Holy SHIT, she pressed her knee into my groin! And I know she knew Thor was in the vicinity. But why is she doing this?

AGAINST: Emily & Marisa went to the bathroom together. I wonder what the topic of discussion is going to be.

FOR: "And how'd you get two girls, Mr. Playboy?" She's back to flirting with me. I have to say the exact right thing at the exact

AGAINST: "I can't believe you did that! It's a good thing your knees are white already!"

FOR: Holy shit, she's laughing. Hard.

FOR: And, oh, boy, that Aeropostale-looking fuck by her doesn't look pleased.

FOR: You know, for someone who just put her knee in my crotch and all, she seems to really light up when one mentions his VIP passes.

AGAINST: I have to go to the bathroom. Five beers. I swear it's the five beers.

AGAINST: I think I'm startling the attendant. Mainly because I can't stop laughing.

FOR: Tipping double.

AGAINST: I am giving the Biz speech to Emily. And she seems to be very skeptical.

FOR: I think I left things on an up note.

FOR: I think I left things on an up note. With Natalie, after. "Call me" isn't just a Blonde song, right, right?

FOR: JP: "How you doin', man?"

AGAINST: Damn, I have got to get a handle on this laughing gig.

FOR: I love the 80s.

FOR: Thriller!

FOR: You know what the awesome thing about being drunk during Thriller is? You're already set up to do the monster dance since you're titling to a side and your head is, too. Keep your rhythm (I do) and put a mean face on, and suddenly you're the man.

AGAINST: The night ending?! But I'm on fire like an Ohio Player!

FOR: Decomposing at Fumari.

FOR: Grandma sleeps in my bed? I'll sleep in HERS!

AGAINST: Not where she sleeps, that would just be creepy.

FOR: The smirk on my face walking in the door at noon in the same clothes I had on.

FOR: No questions from my mom, either. Ooh, if she knew what I was doing with two Mexican girls, a Puerto Rican, and a white girl last night...

FOR: To quote Aaron's favorite rapper of all time, President Carter--guess who the fuck's got his swagger back?

Brooklyn Zoo Dirty

KWBR

Before I get into it--I think this is about a strong a list "pound-for-pound" as I've put together. Gotta love summer.

DROPS:
"Where'd You Go" (11), "Tell Me When To Go" (15)

fifteen When You're Mad Ne-Yo (14)
fourteen Move Along the All-American Rejects (12)
thirteen Bossy Kelis feat. Too Short (13)
twelve A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me Fall Out Boy (7)
eleven Not Ready To Make Nice Dixie Chicks (9)

ten
What You Know T.I. (1)
nine
Life Wasted Pearl Jam (debut)
eight
I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor Arctic Monkeys (debut)
seven
Promiscuous Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (10)*
six
Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (5)

five
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (6)*
four
Me & U Cassie (4)

three
Crazy Gnarls Barkley (8)*

two
Temperature Sean Paul (3)*

one
Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (2, 2nd time, 1m]

Take Me To The River Talking Heads cover

Fish Gotta Swim, Birds Gotta Fly...

...this is a thing I say to Aaron sometimes. The end of the sentence started above goes "...hustlers gotta hustle." It's a thing I say when I've got a girl I'm flirting with, but haven't quite closed the deal. (I think you all know what 2 Jay-Z lines from the Black Album he gets to see in his phone when I got it.)

Anyway, with work today I make deliveries. Despite it being grayer than CBS programming it's my favorite aspect of the job. I pretty much get to do in the day what I do Friday & Saturday nights, except sober and no bumpy grindy. But they pay me. I'm out in the van, looking around as is my wont. And then two girls on the corner are behind a table, and they see me look at them (go figure) and wave. We pull up right in front of them, coincidentally, and I get out. I say I got to go handle work, I'll be right back. TCB. They say, "You came back!" and I'm like "Of course I did, I said I was." So we flirt a little but I have my eye on the van. My partner's the old overbear of the department, and I know he wasn't going to cotton to being held up on account of skirts. So I say I'll come back again later, since I swing that way when I do the walk solo. They doubt me, but not after I point out I held my word just seconds ago.

Did I veer 2 blocks off course to see them again? Yes.

So we're standing and flirting, and yes, I'm flirting with both of them. Emily, the Puerto Rican just slightly shorter than me, and Marisa, the Latina with the little gold nose stud. (Usually, I don't like nose stuff, but it was unobstrusive enough to look good on her.) Now I mention when I find out Marisa's Marisa if her friend's name is Summer I'm outta there. They find me hilarious. (I keep forgetting I have the capability to be smooth and hilarious until I actually have to display it.) Anyway, I mention how nice it is they're working on a Friday in such ugly-ass conditions to help find missing kids. Emily says she's not a saint. Me (wheels starting to turn): Pfft. Whatever. What're you doing tomorrow night besides getting ready for church? Healing swans? Walking on water?

Emily laughs. Tomorrow night? I am so doing nothing.

Ever hear a rat trap spring? That would be my brain.

I casually let slip to the girls I do happen to have VIP at a preeminent club downtown (I know, how uncharacteristic of me) tomorrow night if they're of drinking age. And, oh, how their eyes lit up. Marisa's ahead by a few months, 23 to 22.

I ask for a business card, and they whip one out, and I affix Evey's number onto it and tell them to call me later so I can put it on there. And then I donated to charity.

I know what you're saying: you're the awesomest person alive, Butch. Maybe you're right.

I immediately went and saw my old friend Liz at Fumari, slinging from behind a desk now. Met the new director of operations at Red Circle, and her cute little blonde self saw fit to sling me some VIP passes. Saw Abby again at the Yard House and made sure her liver was OK. Then saw my friend Matt at the Bitter End and he hooked me up with a shitload of VIP passes after I thanked him for the last ones.

I was able to pass some of those savings on to my boss. And everyone seems astounded I went out in work gear and not only dared, but got something, too.

"You must be smooth," is what one of the bosses said.

Oh, if only I'd said to him what I knew about birds and fish...

Wonderwall/Seasons Of Love (from "Rent") DJ AM

EMF

TUESDAY
10:45: At Grandma's after work. Hurray.
11: Rescue Me. Oh, the irony.
12: Save me, Veronica Mars. Save me, Veronica Mars. Save me...

WEDNESDAY
2:20: Another disc down. 8 eps in 2 days.
4:40: Saw this coming.
7:05: And this.
10: And this. Oh, this is great. They're going to wait until the last absolute minute to pick her up. Did I know this last night? 'Course not! Is there anything in her house I want for breakfast? C'mon! Can I leave her? Surely you jest.
11:15: Her meal's here.
11:16: Something happened at some point. She's not wearing pants. You know, even with a robe on, I am officially Too Old For This Shit.
1:50: Picked up. Hoo rah.
2:15: "Can you do me one more favor?" No. This idea is completely foreign to me, mother. How many straws is this, again? I'm feeling dizzy.
3:25: Guess what's happening? The rest of the family is going to the Sparks game. You know what I'm doing? I'm watching Grandma. All day. Into the night. And when they come back at midnight, she's going to sleep in my bed. You'd think I'd get to sleep in her bed, but no, my brother's last day of school is tomorrow, so I have to sleep on the couch and I'm going to have to take Grandma in the middle of the night since everyone else is going to be exhausted and they still owe me $40 from Last Fucking Time and she hasn't written me back yet about next Friday and I haven't eaten in 20 hours and Blogger is down and my brother has summer school so I get to get sleeping over on the World's Smallest Couch and FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I hate my life so goddamn much...I...I...wh...just...I...flames...flames...I just...flames on the side of my face...

What I can list I like about my life? Here.
1) the Veronica Mars 1st Season DVD set.
2) The New Saviour is going to be fixated for LIFE.

So, here's the final, kids. One short-essay question, 100 words or less.

How can I build up all this good karma and watch it go absolutely nowhere?

Begin.

And for what it's worth, Mavs in 6. Fucking Detroit.

Sheep Go To Heaven Cake

High Fidelity: Saves The Day

Top 5 songs I want played at my funeral, or the celebration afterwards.

1. Aerosmith, Dream On. Probably for the video retrospective, assuming video hasn't become null and void by then.
2. AC/DC, Hell's Bells. Accomplishing the shoutout to Diego, giving the toll, and freaking everyone out who wasn't suspecting such and putting a tear in the eye of the mourners going "Typical Butch". During the casket lowering, assuming I opt that way out.
3. Moby, God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters. Probably my favorite piece of lyricless music; can go anywhere.
4. Parliament/Funkadelic, Flashlight. Definitely for the celebration, probably the opener.
5. Al Green, Look What You've Done For Me. By the widower, in my Rob moment on this list.

Life Wasted Pearl Jam

Book It

All right, I need new stuff to read. I've read everything in my house that doesn't make me want to retch. Last few reads have been Malcolm Gladwell, Maria Dahvana Headley, Cheo Hodari Coker, John Feinstein, Seinfeld & Philosophy, Lawrence Block, Mike Lupica, and Bill Simmons.

So you've got a pretty wide-cast net there. Go fish!

ADDENDUM: I went to Grandma's to reread the Year of Yes, only to find when I got home that in MySpace the author'd made a friend request, which I answered and then commented on her page, and then she commented back to me--the final two things which happened within a half-hour. Technology. Gotta love it. I doubt she'll see this over heah, but Maria, I've pimped out your excellence again. This puts you alongside such lumaries as the Gin Blossoms and Jessica Alba's parents, but even so.

Life Of Illusion Joe Walsh

High Fidelity: Stars & Stripes

No big lead-in for the gig this week--top 5 songs that most affected the way I see the country.

1. The entire catalogue of Rage Against the Machine, for coming along at a time when I was just starting to question what I was learned and taught. My parents started the ball rolling there, and pretty much severly underestimated how much speed it was going to gather and far down the hill as it was going to end up going.
2. Marvin Gaye, and a tie. "What's Going On", "Inner City Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler)", and "Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)". Good to see in 30 years the plight of the average black American's improved so that we don't have to worry about things like war, urban blight, and the environment, eh, comrades?
3. Sly & the Family Stone, "Don't Call Me Nigger, Whitey". It's got two lines, and is the most concise and accurate song ever.
4. The Eagles, "Life In The Fast Lane". Yes, I do live in Southern California! Why do you ask?
5. Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit". You have to understand--like a decade of Poison and the Crue and Cinderella and all of a sudden out of the television comes this unwashed mass and that fucking riff and I was 12--after that 4 minutes, hitting puberty was a layup. Man.

You Got Me the Roots feat. Erykah Badu

KWBR

ADDS:
Brown, Chris feat. Wayne, Lil' - Gimme That (remix)
Jam, Pearl - Life Wasted
Ross, Rick - Hustlin'

DROPS:
"Gold Lion" (13), "Poppin' My Collar" (14)

fifteen Tell Me When To Go E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak (4)
fourteen When You're Mad Ne-Yo (15)*
thirteen Bossy Kelis feat. Too Short (10)
twelve Move Along the All-American Rejects (11)
eleven Where'd You Go Fort Minor feat. Holly Brook (12)*

ten
Promiscuous Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (debut)
nine
Not Ready To Make Nice Dixie Chicks (9)*
eight
Crazy Gnarls Barkley (debut)*
seven
A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me' Fall Out Boy (6)
six
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (8)*

five
Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (5)*
four
Me & U Cassie (6)*

three
Temperature Sean Paul (3)*

two
Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Ying Twins (1)

ONE
What You Know T.I. (2) [2w]

Satisfaction Benny Benassi

While I'm Not R.Kelly, I Want 14 Badly

Let me explain.

12 series and two rounds of--let's face it--so far, the best postseason if not in NBA history, then at least the post-cable era. We've had Cinderella stories, we've had players who we already thought were great pushing for legendary in the Kiiiiiiiiing and Der Nowitzki, nut fondling, and, of course, my favorite memory so far, Raja Bell JBLifying Public Enemy #8 (next year #24--it don't matter, fuck him in the ass with a cancer-having bear).

Never mind, the Bell Clothesline From Hell is my second favorite memory so far.

My favorite is happening right now.

It's going 8-0 in the first round with my predictions, which has now been offically followed by 4-0 in the 2nd round. And predicting the correct amount of games in five of the twelve.

12-0 with 5 bonus points so far. MR. Dufresne, if you please.

So you can be assured, what I type next will soon become bible truth. Get yourself to your bettor.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Heat/Pistons

This has been building up since last year. And ever since the summer, I've gotten the same feeling. You see, I got introduced to a friend of mine in September named Earl Hickey who put into my head the idea of karma. Reaping what one sows. All that sort of thing.

The Heat were about 3 minutes and one less injured Dwayne Wade from going to the Finals last year. And Pat Riley a) dismantled the team's core, the supporting cast for the Big 2 then b) pushed Ron Je--Stan Van Gundy into traffic to take the coaching gig himself. That's never sat right with me, even as I laugh at Shaq's interviews and marvel at D-Dub. And Detroit? They lost Game 7 in the Finals last year. And added a coach who somehow rattled off numerous 50-win seasons and got run out of Minnesota (which they don't regret at all, I bet). The widely-regarded best TEAM in the league. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't like Detroit. I grew up a Lakers fan, and last year's Finals put me to sleep in Game 1 and I didn't wake up until the Fourth of July. And even though Detroit got surprised by the Kiiiiiiiing and had to go all 7 while Walker got to fling daquiris on South Beach, I still think two things about this:

--the Cavs pushing the Pistons to the absolute limit has snapped their attention to full focus, with none of this we-can-just-show-up-and-win bullshit mentality that they slept through in the first two rounds leading them to get clowned in both Game 3s

--KARMA.

Pistons in 7.

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Mavericks/Suns

I'll be straight up and down like 6:00 about this.

I haven't been this excited for a basketball series since I figured out girls didn't have cooties.

I mean, my GOD. Phoenix is my favorite team to watch in the league with the way they remind me of Showtime and the Mavs aren't far behind. I've had Nash as my MVP as the past couple of years. Dirk has gone from "All-Star" to almost being D-Hova, that's how bad the Takeover's been happening in the first two rounds. The Suns have been spooky good from deep and Dallas' bootleg Phoenix supporting cast of Daniels, Terry and Howard has been running the floor like they see cops coming. Mark Cuban is insane, and Phoenix's female fans are the hottest in the league. (I should probably say LA, but all those fake tits...eh.) Both teams run supercharged offenses and you can expect 110 from the winners every game, easy. This is going to be great.

Gut feeling and mood when I look at the East--and honestly, it took Bron Bron ripping off his jersey to reveal the big giant S to make me pay deep attention to the East--that I summed up with the word karma. You know what my gut feels?

New coach.

Much better defense.

About the same level offense which would be getting Phoenix-level hype if it...you know, wasn't for Phoenix.

The Suns' Battles of Los Angeles going all 14 games just so they didn't sleep in the fire and go back to their new millennium homes.

And Dirk Nowitzki showing fire. Leading the team to the promised land. Draining 3s, setting the table for everybody else. And the supporting cast running and getting busy on the break. David Stern, you might want to brace yourself. I'm not saying it's a definite...but you might want to have the precautions ready just in case.

Mavs in 6.

Quote the Rosser...nevermore.

My Hood Young Jeezy

High Fidelity: Rock The Bells

I really got to thank Nick Hornby and John Cusack; I know without that book and movie I would've been bouncing off the walls in a rubber room in a fluffy white coat. Anyway, in order to spruce up my Mondays I'm going to do some top 5s weekly from now until I get unsingled. Yes, I watched the movie last night and was suddenly overcome by this idea.

Anyhow, the kickoff: top 5 songs I want to play at my wedding (assuming, of course, I ever get to that point).

1. Whatever "Our Song" happens to be. Maybe not to lead off, but yeah, have to have that in there unless I want to be playing the entirety of Here, My Dear during the divorce hearing.
2. "Don't Know Much About History", Sam Cooke. I really love this song, and it's surprising to me I haven't heard it weddingfied to death over the years. I'm quietly grateful.
3. "Crimson & Clover" by Tommy James & the Shondells. Yeah, my favorite song ever. I'm shocked it's on the list, too.
4. "At Last" by Etta James, for all the obvious reasons.
5. "I Believe When I Fall In Love (It Will Be Forever)" by Stevie Wonder. Bringing us full circle for this Monday. Not bad.

Superstition Stevie Wonder