The Best Picture Ever

Ladies and gentlemen, start your captions!

We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off Jermaine Stewart

Before KWBR, A Few Bullet Points...

RANDOM: I can't sleep more than five consecutive hours anymore without waking up. I wonder why THAT is he asked himself as rhetorisarcastically as he could...

RANDOM II: Two more games of poker. In for $20, made about $27. But my not-lose-money streak is currently at 6 and counting. BTW, if you're really looking to piss off your friends, flop a set of threes and then slowplay them when they have top 2 pair. Also, I've changed my poker nickname to Black Jesus. Not because of the resemblance to Chris Ferguson, but because the Dark Horse was a better name when I didn't know as much and thought of myself as the perennial underdog. As Biggie said, Things Done Changed.

RANDOM III: Seven friend invites to MySpace from random ass girls within 22 minutes, half of them looking for webcam love. SEVEN! I know I'm single currently and love porn and all that but DAG yo.

RANDOM IV: I don't know what the fucking holdup is, but Jessica Biel & Kelly Clarkson need to pudding wrestle for charity for the Best Ass On A White Girl Championship already.

RANDOM V: I don't know if any of you have heard of this Jessica Alba woman, but apparently she's an actress or something? Anyway, she's doing something-or-other so you might want to keep your eye on her. She could become a Regulation Hottie someday if she keeps this up, I think.
---------AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT---------

Seriously, I could've done a top 20 this week. But that'd make me like everybody else that's why/I say/fuck it

DROPS:
"What You Know" --> 10, "Not Ready To Make Nice" --> 11, "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me" --> 12, "Bossy" --> 13, "Move Along" --> 14, "When You're Mad" --> 15

fifteen Hustlin' Rick Ross (debut)
fourteen Where'd You Go Fort Minor (re-entry)
thirteen Life Wasted Pearl Jam (9)
twelve Number 1 Pharrell feat. Kanye West (debut)
eleven Steady, As She Goes the Raconteurs (re-entry)

ten
I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor Arctic Monkeys (8)
nine
Ain't No Other Man Christina Aguilera (debut)
eight
It's Goin' Down Yung Joc (debut)
seven
Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (6)
six
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (5)

five
Temperature Sean Paul (2)
four
Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (1)

three
Promiscuous Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (7)*

two
Me & U Cassie (4)*

ONE
Crazy Gnarls Barkley (3) [2w]

Number One Single Lisa Loeb

Cuarenta Caliente

1. Jessica Alba, To The Shock Of Absolutely No One (=)
2. Angelina Jolie (return)
3. Eva Longoria (2)
4. Trish Stratus (3)
5. Jennifer Walcott (6)*
6. Kate Beckinsale (10)*
7. Stacy Keibler (8)
8. Jennifer Love Hewitt (9)
9. Salma Hayek (4)
10. Shakira (7)
11. Beyonce (18)
12. Charisma Carpenter (13)*
13. Katherine Heigl (5)
14. Raquel Gibson (15)*
15. Halle Berry (11)
16. Brooke Burke (12)
17. Vida Guerra (16)
18. Kim Smith (19)
19. Sofia Vergara (20)
20. Mariah Carey (33)*
21. Jessica Biel (14)
22. Summer Altice (25)
23. Scarlett Johansson (22)
24. Sarah Shahi (=)
25. Elizabeth Hurley (30)*
26. C.J. Gibson (36)*
27. Keira Knightley (40)*
28. Mayra Veronica (27)
29. Esther Baxter (31)
30. Marisa Miller (26)
31. Carmen Electra (17)
32. Kristen Bell (21)
33. Jamie Pressly (32)
34. Anna Kournikova (23)
35. Lacey Chabert (29)
36. Monica Bellucci (28)
37. Gabrielle Union (return)
38. Vanessa Minillo (debut)
39. Eva Mendes (34)
40. Petra Nemcova (return)

DROPPED:
Shannon Elizabeth/35, Alyssa Milano/37, Michelle Trachtenberg/38, Kelly Hu/39

I Left My Heart In San Francisco Tony Bennett

It's Like A Jungle SOMETIMES?

Here's the thing: my indvidiual life is great. I don't always like my job, but the people in my job like me. I'm in as good a shape as someone who doesn't work out ever besides walking and dancing can be. I'm interested in a couple of girls and more importantly a couple of girls are interested in me.

And yet, my family.

My dad's back to Pittsburgh because my uncle has cancer. (I'd be sadder but the last time I saw 98.3% of the family, I was 3.) He's going to be gone for two weeks. So my grandma's at my house. By which I mean my room. By which I mean my bed at night. The room already smells like her, and there's a reason you can't buy Grandma flavor on a little tree for your car. She's sitting in the computer chair listening to the oldies radio (THE BED IS RIGHT THERE), and the other computer chair is filled with her clothes. I'm writing this in a fucking stepstool. No, I'm not kidding for comedic effect. I got called twice on the way home from work, and when I did get to the house, everybody else in the family booked. I had work this weekend (all day yesterday, ridiculous early today, consecutive graduations) and I had to sleep on the side of her bed she doesn't use. And now that I'm off, I'm pretty much going to have to watch her, oh, about 18 hours a day and not sleep in my bed until the Fourth of July. Oh, and since I kicked in the big Father's Day gift I'm almost broke until Friday. Good luck with privacy. Good luck with having a life. Room? What room?

Please keep this paragraph in mind if I happen to go crazy during the next couple of weeks.

Only The Lonely Roy Orbison

A Double-Double Animal Style

FOR: Matt Spaulding (at least until the time comes in the fall when I'll have to bitchslap him in fantasy football. Riverside Motherfuckers!)

FOR: Vegging out on Veronica Mars for a few hours on a lazy Saturday until you get ready to do the damn thing.

FOR: Kristen Bell, always. "Shut up! If I wanted to hear you speak I'd wave a Snausage over your nose!" I mean, my GOD! Somebody check that putz's dental records, it'll be the only way we can I.D. him...

AGAINST: Amanda topping me. She always tops me. There was some Berkeley alumni mixer deal and she met Susanna Hoffs. And I'd still hit that. (Susanna, I mean.)

FOR: MySpace's IM working again.

AGAINST: My friend Dan not being able to come.

FOR: My friend Dan not being able to come.

AGAINST: My parents turning an excursion into a three-hour trip and thus making me wash up as opposed to the full-fledged shower.

FOR: Having friends at the pizza place.

FOR: The random-ass trio of hot chicks sitting at the counter in said dingy little pizza place, all sorts of glammed out.

AGAINST: Meeting them after already having two girls to meet in an hour.

FOR: The good thing about stopping in at places where they know you is after a while you just sort of do the whole Swingers-at-the-Dresden thing: you look at the line, you chuckle inside, you say hi to the security guy (or if you're lucky, the coquettish girl who takes cover and stamps your hand where applicable) and just sort of breeze in.

AGAINST: Not seeing my buddy Matt at the Bitter End after he hooked me up Friday. Might've been his night off or he was in and left already. Whatever. You gotta keep your VIP hookups happy. If they're not happy, you're cast right back down with the Sodomites.

FOR: Confidential remaining the best kept secret in the Gaslamp...

AGAINST: ...apparently not tonight, though!

AGAINST: Not knowing there was some sort of white party going on.

FOR: Have you ever seen a bunch of model-level chicks wearing all white? If you have the means, I highly suggest doing so.

FOR: So I've fallen for the hottest bartender in the Gaslamp. But can you blame me? She's blonde, she's 6'2", she keeps wearing corsets and bustiers, she models part-time, and she gives me Heineken! C'mon now.

FOR: The DJ spinning "I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor" and the Mark Ronson remix of "Just". It takes some chutzpah to remix Radiohead, and it takes skill to do it well.

AGAINST: Annnnnnnnnd now I'm late. Gotta Kenny Smith...

AGAINST: VIP line is long.

FOR: Holding up Bruce Lee's "Be water." maxim in times of stress.

AGAINST: The two foreign guys behind me. Nice guys, but I'd be relegated to being the funny one.

AGAINST: Amanda, listening to Third Eye Blind and calling me up to make sure I knew. Stupid LA and its stupid...whatever.

AGAINST: Emily taunting me from downstairs on Evey's dime.

FOR: Let's just say the possibility I open FHM in the near future, look at the My Best Friend page and let out a Cameron-in-Ferrisesque scream (except of joy) is now on the table.

FOR: ...boy, if you think I was insufferable before and that happens...

FOR: Aaron's hilariously wrong guess of what "auditoning" constituted.

FOR: 20 minutes. Could've been better, could've been worse. Being water. Move along, move along, like I know you do...

AGAINST: The price hike since the last time.

FOR: Good thing I'm not paying it!

FOR: On Broadway used to be my favorite club downtown [insert neon As Seen On MTV's Sweet 16 sign here--Natalie Viscuso, the owner's daughter and blonde hottie...who might be legal now...where the hell was I? Oh, right: stay out of my booze] because it's an old bank building severely Bondsified. I've mentioned this before, but ah, well. It's like a superhero; there's even an OFFICE SPACE AVAILABLE sign hanging outside on the corner under the giant old school clock. Inside, however, you got pretty much a bank's space except with a giant bar and dance floor in lieu of financial transactions and desks. And 5 rooms downstairs. One of which is the vault. Yes, they took an old vault, laid down shag carpeting, put a bar in there and some couches. And that's where I'm to meet Marisa & Emily. On my way.

AGAINST: The last nervous jolt from my stomach.

FOR: No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide. Tyler Durden Tyler Durden TYLER DURDEN!

FOR: "So your friend didn't make it. (smirk)" "I know, I know. He left this long ramble on my voicemail. The gist of it is he's very gay. (bigger smirk)"

FOR: Randomly running into my buddy JP. So this is by a rough count, 7 old friends I haven't seen in 5 years+ in the past four months.

FOR: It's 11, it's On Broadway, and I'm doublefisting Heinies. The more things change, et al.

FOR: Confused jealous looks.

FOR?: Is that...no...

FOR: The thing in my peripheral that I think it is is actually the thing I think it is. Natalie & Melissa, from earlier travails. Yes, my hot first-ever high school now nurse crush and her best friend.

AGAINST: 4 women. 1 man. Any Fool Could See There Was Going To Be Trouble. And yet...

FOR: Who da fi-yah? I the fi-yah!

AGAINST: Ooh, Emily gave me a look when I introduced Natalie. She's lucky this isn't NINETYsix...

FOR: Playing it cool. As much as I can allow.

AGAINST: Natalie & Melissa coming back with guys who are below me.

FOR: Are they trying to get me?

AGAINST: Does Emily think they're trying to get me?

FOR: I love Joey Styles commentary. You know why? 'Cause it's happening in my head right now. And I think the tuned-in of you know which word. It is on like Donkey Kong to the break of dawn out in the lawn singing Bang A Gong.

FOR: Emily giving me her number.

AGAINST:

Wait...

FOR: Natalie & Melissa wanting a picture with me.

Wait..

AGAINST? I dunno.

FOR: Natalie waiting for the picture, and then putting her knee in my groin.

AGAINST: Oh, man, that is going to be one epic face when the pictures come out.

AGAINST: I have seen the look on Emily's face before. And it is not an invitation to crepes at IHOP.

FOR: Holy SHIT, she pressed her knee into my groin! And I know she knew Thor was in the vicinity. But why is she doing this?

AGAINST: Emily & Marisa went to the bathroom together. I wonder what the topic of discussion is going to be.

FOR: "And how'd you get two girls, Mr. Playboy?" She's back to flirting with me. I have to say the exact right thing at the exact

AGAINST: "I can't believe you did that! It's a good thing your knees are white already!"

FOR: Holy shit, she's laughing. Hard.

FOR: And, oh, boy, that Aeropostale-looking fuck by her doesn't look pleased.

FOR: You know, for someone who just put her knee in my crotch and all, she seems to really light up when one mentions his VIP passes.

AGAINST: I have to go to the bathroom. Five beers. I swear it's the five beers.

AGAINST: I think I'm startling the attendant. Mainly because I can't stop laughing.

FOR: Tipping double.

AGAINST: I am giving the Biz speech to Emily. And she seems to be very skeptical.

FOR: I think I left things on an up note.

FOR: I think I left things on an up note. With Natalie, after. "Call me" isn't just a Blonde song, right, right?

FOR: JP: "How you doin', man?"

AGAINST: Damn, I have got to get a handle on this laughing gig.

FOR: I love the 80s.

FOR: Thriller!

FOR: You know what the awesome thing about being drunk during Thriller is? You're already set up to do the monster dance since you're titling to a side and your head is, too. Keep your rhythm (I do) and put a mean face on, and suddenly you're the man.

AGAINST: The night ending?! But I'm on fire like an Ohio Player!

FOR: Decomposing at Fumari.

FOR: Grandma sleeps in my bed? I'll sleep in HERS!

AGAINST: Not where she sleeps, that would just be creepy.

FOR: The smirk on my face walking in the door at noon in the same clothes I had on.

FOR: No questions from my mom, either. Ooh, if she knew what I was doing with two Mexican girls, a Puerto Rican, and a white girl last night...

FOR: To quote Aaron's favorite rapper of all time, President Carter--guess who the fuck's got his swagger back?

Brooklyn Zoo Dirty

KWBR

Before I get into it--I think this is about a strong a list "pound-for-pound" as I've put together. Gotta love summer.

DROPS:
"Where'd You Go" (11), "Tell Me When To Go" (15)

fifteen When You're Mad Ne-Yo (14)
fourteen Move Along the All-American Rejects (12)
thirteen Bossy Kelis feat. Too Short (13)
twelve A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me Fall Out Boy (7)
eleven Not Ready To Make Nice Dixie Chicks (9)

ten
What You Know T.I. (1)
nine
Life Wasted Pearl Jam (debut)
eight
I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor Arctic Monkeys (debut)
seven
Promiscuous Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (10)*
six
Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (5)

five
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (6)*
four
Me & U Cassie (4)

three
Crazy Gnarls Barkley (8)*

two
Temperature Sean Paul (3)*

one
Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (2, 2nd time, 1m]

Take Me To The River Talking Heads cover

Fish Gotta Swim, Birds Gotta Fly...

...this is a thing I say to Aaron sometimes. The end of the sentence started above goes "...hustlers gotta hustle." It's a thing I say when I've got a girl I'm flirting with, but haven't quite closed the deal. (I think you all know what 2 Jay-Z lines from the Black Album he gets to see in his phone when I got it.)

Anyway, with work today I make deliveries. Despite it being grayer than CBS programming it's my favorite aspect of the job. I pretty much get to do in the day what I do Friday & Saturday nights, except sober and no bumpy grindy. But they pay me. I'm out in the van, looking around as is my wont. And then two girls on the corner are behind a table, and they see me look at them (go figure) and wave. We pull up right in front of them, coincidentally, and I get out. I say I got to go handle work, I'll be right back. TCB. They say, "You came back!" and I'm like "Of course I did, I said I was." So we flirt a little but I have my eye on the van. My partner's the old overbear of the department, and I know he wasn't going to cotton to being held up on account of skirts. So I say I'll come back again later, since I swing that way when I do the walk solo. They doubt me, but not after I point out I held my word just seconds ago.

Did I veer 2 blocks off course to see them again? Yes.

So we're standing and flirting, and yes, I'm flirting with both of them. Emily, the Puerto Rican just slightly shorter than me, and Marisa, the Latina with the little gold nose stud. (Usually, I don't like nose stuff, but it was unobstrusive enough to look good on her.) Now I mention when I find out Marisa's Marisa if her friend's name is Summer I'm outta there. They find me hilarious. (I keep forgetting I have the capability to be smooth and hilarious until I actually have to display it.) Anyway, I mention how nice it is they're working on a Friday in such ugly-ass conditions to help find missing kids. Emily says she's not a saint. Me (wheels starting to turn): Pfft. Whatever. What're you doing tomorrow night besides getting ready for church? Healing swans? Walking on water?

Emily laughs. Tomorrow night? I am so doing nothing.

Ever hear a rat trap spring? That would be my brain.

I casually let slip to the girls I do happen to have VIP at a preeminent club downtown (I know, how uncharacteristic of me) tomorrow night if they're of drinking age. And, oh, how their eyes lit up. Marisa's ahead by a few months, 23 to 22.

I ask for a business card, and they whip one out, and I affix Evey's number onto it and tell them to call me later so I can put it on there. And then I donated to charity.

I know what you're saying: you're the awesomest person alive, Butch. Maybe you're right.

I immediately went and saw my old friend Liz at Fumari, slinging from behind a desk now. Met the new director of operations at Red Circle, and her cute little blonde self saw fit to sling me some VIP passes. Saw Abby again at the Yard House and made sure her liver was OK. Then saw my friend Matt at the Bitter End and he hooked me up with a shitload of VIP passes after I thanked him for the last ones.

I was able to pass some of those savings on to my boss. And everyone seems astounded I went out in work gear and not only dared, but got something, too.

"You must be smooth," is what one of the bosses said.

Oh, if only I'd said to him what I knew about birds and fish...

Wonderwall/Seasons Of Love (from "Rent") DJ AM

EMF

TUESDAY
10:45: At Grandma's after work. Hurray.
11: Rescue Me. Oh, the irony.
12: Save me, Veronica Mars. Save me, Veronica Mars. Save me...

WEDNESDAY
2:20: Another disc down. 8 eps in 2 days.
4:40: Saw this coming.
7:05: And this.
10: And this. Oh, this is great. They're going to wait until the last absolute minute to pick her up. Did I know this last night? 'Course not! Is there anything in her house I want for breakfast? C'mon! Can I leave her? Surely you jest.
11:15: Her meal's here.
11:16: Something happened at some point. She's not wearing pants. You know, even with a robe on, I am officially Too Old For This Shit.
1:50: Picked up. Hoo rah.
2:15: "Can you do me one more favor?" No. This idea is completely foreign to me, mother. How many straws is this, again? I'm feeling dizzy.
3:25: Guess what's happening? The rest of the family is going to the Sparks game. You know what I'm doing? I'm watching Grandma. All day. Into the night. And when they come back at midnight, she's going to sleep in my bed. You'd think I'd get to sleep in her bed, but no, my brother's last day of school is tomorrow, so I have to sleep on the couch and I'm going to have to take Grandma in the middle of the night since everyone else is going to be exhausted and they still owe me $40 from Last Fucking Time and she hasn't written me back yet about next Friday and I haven't eaten in 20 hours and Blogger is down and my brother has summer school so I get to get sleeping over on the World's Smallest Couch and FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I hate my life so goddamn much...I...I...wh...just...I...flames...flames...I just...flames on the side of my face...

What I can list I like about my life? Here.
1) the Veronica Mars 1st Season DVD set.
2) The New Saviour is going to be fixated for LIFE.

So, here's the final, kids. One short-essay question, 100 words or less.

How can I build up all this good karma and watch it go absolutely nowhere?

Begin.

And for what it's worth, Mavs in 6. Fucking Detroit.

Sheep Go To Heaven Cake

High Fidelity: Saves The Day

Top 5 songs I want played at my funeral, or the celebration afterwards.

1. Aerosmith, Dream On. Probably for the video retrospective, assuming video hasn't become null and void by then.
2. AC/DC, Hell's Bells. Accomplishing the shoutout to Diego, giving the toll, and freaking everyone out who wasn't suspecting such and putting a tear in the eye of the mourners going "Typical Butch". During the casket lowering, assuming I opt that way out.
3. Moby, God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters. Probably my favorite piece of lyricless music; can go anywhere.
4. Parliament/Funkadelic, Flashlight. Definitely for the celebration, probably the opener.
5. Al Green, Look What You've Done For Me. By the widower, in my Rob moment on this list.

Life Wasted Pearl Jam

Book It

All right, I need new stuff to read. I've read everything in my house that doesn't make me want to retch. Last few reads have been Malcolm Gladwell, Maria Dahvana Headley, Cheo Hodari Coker, John Feinstein, Seinfeld & Philosophy, Lawrence Block, Mike Lupica, and Bill Simmons.

So you've got a pretty wide-cast net there. Go fish!

ADDENDUM: I went to Grandma's to reread the Year of Yes, only to find when I got home that in MySpace the author'd made a friend request, which I answered and then commented on her page, and then she commented back to me--the final two things which happened within a half-hour. Technology. Gotta love it. I doubt she'll see this over heah, but Maria, I've pimped out your excellence again. This puts you alongside such lumaries as the Gin Blossoms and Jessica Alba's parents, but even so.

Life Of Illusion Joe Walsh

High Fidelity: Stars & Stripes

No big lead-in for the gig this week--top 5 songs that most affected the way I see the country.

1. The entire catalogue of Rage Against the Machine, for coming along at a time when I was just starting to question what I was learned and taught. My parents started the ball rolling there, and pretty much severly underestimated how much speed it was going to gather and far down the hill as it was going to end up going.
2. Marvin Gaye, and a tie. "What's Going On", "Inner City Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler)", and "Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)". Good to see in 30 years the plight of the average black American's improved so that we don't have to worry about things like war, urban blight, and the environment, eh, comrades?
3. Sly & the Family Stone, "Don't Call Me Nigger, Whitey". It's got two lines, and is the most concise and accurate song ever.
4. The Eagles, "Life In The Fast Lane". Yes, I do live in Southern California! Why do you ask?
5. Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit". You have to understand--like a decade of Poison and the Crue and Cinderella and all of a sudden out of the television comes this unwashed mass and that fucking riff and I was 12--after that 4 minutes, hitting puberty was a layup. Man.

You Got Me the Roots feat. Erykah Badu

KWBR

ADDS:
Brown, Chris feat. Wayne, Lil' - Gimme That (remix)
Jam, Pearl - Life Wasted
Ross, Rick - Hustlin'

DROPS:
"Gold Lion" (13), "Poppin' My Collar" (14)

fifteen Tell Me When To Go E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak (4)
fourteen When You're Mad Ne-Yo (15)*
thirteen Bossy Kelis feat. Too Short (10)
twelve Move Along the All-American Rejects (11)
eleven Where'd You Go Fort Minor feat. Holly Brook (12)*

ten
Promiscuous Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland (debut)
nine
Not Ready To Make Nice Dixie Chicks (9)*
eight
Crazy Gnarls Barkley (debut)*
seven
A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me' Fall Out Boy (6)
six
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (8)*

five
Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (5)*
four
Me & U Cassie (6)*

three
Temperature Sean Paul (3)*

two
Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Ying Twins (1)

ONE
What You Know T.I. (2) [2w]

Satisfaction Benny Benassi

While I'm Not R.Kelly, I Want 14 Badly

Let me explain.

12 series and two rounds of--let's face it--so far, the best postseason if not in NBA history, then at least the post-cable era. We've had Cinderella stories, we've had players who we already thought were great pushing for legendary in the Kiiiiiiiiing and Der Nowitzki, nut fondling, and, of course, my favorite memory so far, Raja Bell JBLifying Public Enemy #8 (next year #24--it don't matter, fuck him in the ass with a cancer-having bear).

Never mind, the Bell Clothesline From Hell is my second favorite memory so far.

My favorite is happening right now.

It's going 8-0 in the first round with my predictions, which has now been offically followed by 4-0 in the 2nd round. And predicting the correct amount of games in five of the twelve.

12-0 with 5 bonus points so far. MR. Dufresne, if you please.

So you can be assured, what I type next will soon become bible truth. Get yourself to your bettor.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Heat/Pistons

This has been building up since last year. And ever since the summer, I've gotten the same feeling. You see, I got introduced to a friend of mine in September named Earl Hickey who put into my head the idea of karma. Reaping what one sows. All that sort of thing.

The Heat were about 3 minutes and one less injured Dwayne Wade from going to the Finals last year. And Pat Riley a) dismantled the team's core, the supporting cast for the Big 2 then b) pushed Ron Je--Stan Van Gundy into traffic to take the coaching gig himself. That's never sat right with me, even as I laugh at Shaq's interviews and marvel at D-Dub. And Detroit? They lost Game 7 in the Finals last year. And added a coach who somehow rattled off numerous 50-win seasons and got run out of Minnesota (which they don't regret at all, I bet). The widely-regarded best TEAM in the league. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't like Detroit. I grew up a Lakers fan, and last year's Finals put me to sleep in Game 1 and I didn't wake up until the Fourth of July. And even though Detroit got surprised by the Kiiiiiiiing and had to go all 7 while Walker got to fling daquiris on South Beach, I still think two things about this:

--the Cavs pushing the Pistons to the absolute limit has snapped their attention to full focus, with none of this we-can-just-show-up-and-win bullshit mentality that they slept through in the first two rounds leading them to get clowned in both Game 3s

--KARMA.

Pistons in 7.

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Mavericks/Suns

I'll be straight up and down like 6:00 about this.

I haven't been this excited for a basketball series since I figured out girls didn't have cooties.

I mean, my GOD. Phoenix is my favorite team to watch in the league with the way they remind me of Showtime and the Mavs aren't far behind. I've had Nash as my MVP as the past couple of years. Dirk has gone from "All-Star" to almost being D-Hova, that's how bad the Takeover's been happening in the first two rounds. The Suns have been spooky good from deep and Dallas' bootleg Phoenix supporting cast of Daniels, Terry and Howard has been running the floor like they see cops coming. Mark Cuban is insane, and Phoenix's female fans are the hottest in the league. (I should probably say LA, but all those fake tits...eh.) Both teams run supercharged offenses and you can expect 110 from the winners every game, easy. This is going to be great.

Gut feeling and mood when I look at the East--and honestly, it took Bron Bron ripping off his jersey to reveal the big giant S to make me pay deep attention to the East--that I summed up with the word karma. You know what my gut feels?

New coach.

Much better defense.

About the same level offense which would be getting Phoenix-level hype if it...you know, wasn't for Phoenix.

The Suns' Battles of Los Angeles going all 14 games just so they didn't sleep in the fire and go back to their new millennium homes.

And Dirk Nowitzki showing fire. Leading the team to the promised land. Draining 3s, setting the table for everybody else. And the supporting cast running and getting busy on the break. David Stern, you might want to brace yourself. I'm not saying it's a definite...but you might want to have the precautions ready just in case.

Mavs in 6.

Quote the Rosser...nevermore.

My Hood Young Jeezy

High Fidelity: Rock The Bells

I really got to thank Nick Hornby and John Cusack; I know without that book and movie I would've been bouncing off the walls in a rubber room in a fluffy white coat. Anyway, in order to spruce up my Mondays I'm going to do some top 5s weekly from now until I get unsingled. Yes, I watched the movie last night and was suddenly overcome by this idea.

Anyhow, the kickoff: top 5 songs I want to play at my wedding (assuming, of course, I ever get to that point).

1. Whatever "Our Song" happens to be. Maybe not to lead off, but yeah, have to have that in there unless I want to be playing the entirety of Here, My Dear during the divorce hearing.
2. "Don't Know Much About History", Sam Cooke. I really love this song, and it's surprising to me I haven't heard it weddingfied to death over the years. I'm quietly grateful.
3. "Crimson & Clover" by Tommy James & the Shondells. Yeah, my favorite song ever. I'm shocked it's on the list, too.
4. "At Last" by Etta James, for all the obvious reasons.
5. "I Believe When I Fall In Love (It Will Be Forever)" by Stevie Wonder. Bringing us full circle for this Monday. Not bad.

Superstition Stevie Wonder

Dawn Ostroff, You Magnificent Ba--Bi--uh...HOORAY!

At least 13. Maybe the whole season's worth of 22.

Maybe you Bovine University students can join in and WATCH THIS FALL, HUH!?!?

And now, for the only song that truly encapsulates an awesome moment such as this:

Jump Around House Of Pain

I [heart] Technology

...I didn't know I could think things and they'd just show up. Ohhh....come on, hot fudge sundae!

My Daring Humps DJ Solomon mixing Gorillaz and the Black Eyed Peas

KWBR

DROPPED: "Tear You Apart" (7), "Steady, As She Goes" (8), "Touch The Sky" (10), "So Sick" (11)

fifteen
When You're Mad Ne-Yo (debut)
fourteen
Poppin' My Collar Three 6 Mafia (15)
thirteen
Gold Lion Yeah Yeah Yeahs (13)*
twelve
Where'd You Go Fort Minor (debut)
eleven
Move Along the All-American Rejects (13)

ten
Bossy Kelis feat. Too Short (debut)
nine
Not Ready To Make Nice Dixie Chicks (debut)
eight
Dani California Red Hot Chili Peppers (9)*
seven
Me And U Cassie (14)*
six
A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me' Fall Out Boy (6)*

5. Walk Away Kelly Clarkson (5)*
4. Tell Me When To Go E-40 feat. Keak Da Sneak (1)

3. Temperature Sean Paul (4)*

2. What You Know T.I. (3)*

1. Ms. New Booty Bubba Sparxxx feat. Ying Yang Twins (2)* [2w]

Behind These Immigrant Eyes Led Zeppelin + Kelly Clarkson

Just Another Wallace Living In Neptune

Yeah, I must post about the Veronica Mars season finale.

1. I knew it was Beav for a while now. It explained him not being comfortable with anything physical, and of course the typical younger brother getting picked on thing. I would've much rather Logan have beat him to death, though. I'm just saying is all. After the rolling HOLY SHIT bombshells she dropped on him that Cassidy did, he could've at least hung a jury. I remain convinced of that.
2. SOOOOOOOO against LoVe getting back together. Friction makes heat. Everything deep comes from angst. (I keep telling myself this.)
3. Holy shit. Holy shit. If this show goes off the air, somebody's offices are getting Molotov Home Repair in there for redecorating, W. Butch Rosser, CEO.
4. Poor Wallace. (I know what you're saying, what about poor Mac? I am filing the night for her away in the same place I put Caddyshack II, Rocky V, '97, and '01. It never happened ever, and anyone who brings it up out of context gets fingers snapped. You dig me?)
5. This just in: holy shit.
6. WEIIIIIIIIDMANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN~! Shit yeah. I want to be like him when I grow up.
7. What's in the briefcase?
8. See #3.
9. What's in the briefcase?
10. I am now fully elevating the show to "only miss in case of dimepiece date" status. Veronica, Keith, Logan, Wallace, these are your tablemates, Dr. Cox, Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk, and Jack Bauer. Watch out for the last one. You reaaaaaaaaaaaly don't want to get on his bad side. Same goes for the first but he probably won't rip off your arm and beat you to death with it.
11. Duncan (expectantly): "C.W.?" --> C.W. (firmly): "Done deal." Really? Let us pray. A lot.
12. GODDAMNIT ROB THOMAS YOU SOULLESS BASTARD WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE GODDAMN BRIEFCASE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Like I'm ending this post any other way, right?

We Used To Be Friends the Dandy Warhols

The Only Black Mamba Who Moves In For The Kill? Still Beatrix Kiddo.

You know, if Kobe was REALLY the MVP, I get the feeling he would've sort of closed out Phoenix in Game 5 instead of the Suns prisonraping them tonight (Addendum: forgot the way they completely choked away Game 6 with TimTom being more wide open than Tara Reid when only a 3 would cause OT). I get the feeling two things happen after tonight: Mr. Bryant never calls Raja Bell "kid" again, and Smush Parker spends the rest of his life having meals through a straw.

ANYHOW, on to Round 2.

(Please note I succesfully predicted all 8 first round winners, and in half of the series the number of games it would take to do so. Thank you.)

Pistons/Cavaliers: Yes, LeBron is crazy nice. The problem with crazy nice? The Pistons are the most complete team in the league and it's like someone locks them in a crawlspace after games, beating them with cacti while yelling "YOU LOST GAME 7! YOU COULD BE GOING FOR A 3PEAT, BUT NO! YOUUUUUUUU LOST GAME 7! YOU'RE WORTHLESS AND WEAK!" LeBron IS good enough for them to steal one; the Pistons are on a mission enough for them to completely wish them out of the cornfield otherwise. Pistons in 5.

Nets/Heat: Zoinks. The mandatory "East semifinal that goes 7". Which Heat show up? Does Miami have anyone to slow down Kidd and his distribution skills? How bad is Dwayne Wade's hip, really? I don't mean to be end-of-episode-old-TV-Batman about this, but there are too many crazy circumstances surrounding this. Teams, given everything, are about even. So what do you do? You pick the best player. And I say it's #3. Heat in 7.

Clippers/Suns: WTF. The CLIPPERS. The Los Angeles Clippers. Winnning playoff games. Next thing you know, Prezodent Squinty will successfully announce a five-syllable word. And I'll tell you another thing...they might win this, too. (And yes, part of my soul just died laughing.) Nash is hurt and they only really get one day of rest. The Clippers are rolling. Not only that, the weaker (AIEEEEEEEE) LA team showed the Suns can be had inside. Lamar Odom did some damage, but at the end of the day? Still Lamar Odom. Elton Brand, on the other hand, is one of the 10 best players in the league. And Sam Cassell seems to give them that sort of swagger. But...literally, I started typing "Clippers in 6" and my stomach jolted. So Suns in another 7.

Spurs/Mavs: OH.

HELLLLLLLLLLLL.

Yes.

Rocky IV. This is going to be Rocky IV. I don't mean in the Eva Longoria rips off her Tony Parker jersey to reveal a Dirk throwback underneath (though really, Eva Longoria ripping anything off--well, how can there be bad in THAT, I ask you) but in the sense that they just throw bombs at each other for 15 rounds and finally somebody hits the deck. Two things: Duncan's 80%, tops. Dirk is going to the top 5 and the Mavs closed out their series like real men. If it doesn't happen for Dallas this year, it's never ever going to happen. Fortunately for them...I think...it's this year. Mavs in 6.


Crazy Gnarls Barkley

Yup. The Hottest Girls Alive. One Man's Opinion.

1. Jessica Alba (1)
2. Eva Longoria (4)
3. Trish Stratus (3)
4. Salma Hayek (2)
5. Katherine Heigl (7)
6. Jennifer Walcott (10)*
7. Shakira (9)
8. Stacy Keibler (6)
9. JLH (5)
10. Kate Beckinsale (11)*
11. Halle Berry (12)
12. Brooke Burke (15)
13. Charisma Carpenter (18)*
14. Jessica Biel (8)
15. Raquel Gibson (19)*
16. Vida Guerra (13)
17. Carmen Electra (16)
18. Beyonce (29)
19. Kim Smith (20)
20. Sofia Vergara (22)
21. Kristen Bell (26)*
22. Scarlett Johansson (23)*
23. Anna Kournikova (back)
24. Sarah Shahi (back)
25. Summer Altice (17)
26. Marisa Miller (30)*
27. Mayra Veronica (21)
28. Monica Bellucci (38)
29. Lacey Chabert (24)
30. Elizabeth Hurley (back)
31. Esther Baxter (34)
32. Jamie Pressly (36)
33. Mariah Carey (40)
34. Eva Mendes (debut)
35. Shannon Elizabeth (27)
36. C.J. Gibson (debut)
37. Alyssa Milano (32)
38. Michelle Trachtenberg (31)
39. Kelly Hu (back)
40. Keira Knightley (33)

DROPPED:
Josie Maran (14), Rachel Bilson (25), Jessica Simpson (28), Gail Kim (35), Nikki Cox (37), Petra Nemcova (39)

Where'd You Go Fort Minor