BOYS DON'T CRY:
"Toma" (9)
"Drop It Like It's Hot (remix)" (11)
"Lose Control" (12)
"Like That" (14)
"Smile Like You Mean It" (15)
15) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (13)
14) Audioslave, "Be Yourself" (2)
13) Gorillaz, "Feel Good Inc." (debut)
12) Ludacris feat. Bobby Valentino, "Pimpin' All Over The World" (debut)
11) System Of A Down, "BYOB" (debut)
10) Jimmy Eat World, "Futures" (debut)
09) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (6)
08) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (10)
07) Coldplay, "Speed Of Sound" (8)*
06) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (7)*
05) Foo Fighters, "Best Of You" (debut)
04) the White Stripes, "Blue Orchid" (5)*
03) Mariah Carey feat. the Lox, "We Belong Together (remix)" (4)*
02) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (3)*
01) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (1) [1m]
Current music: "The Good Life" by Weezer
6/25/05
6/24/05
Oh, Yeah, Throw Your Love And Hate In The Air Like You Don't Care
LOVE: The 1st Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam is less than 24 hours away, and I'm fucking stoked. Outside of Amanda & Nate (damn Berkeley people, breaking my heart...) I am of the belief 90% of my friends are in. You couple it in with Aaron's friends--especially the hot ones--a bunch of carne asada y pollo, and this is going to be a parTAY of epic proportion.
And yes, I'll take pictures and throw 'em up so y'all see how a brother livin'.
LOVE: Just in time for the 1ARJMSJ, the June Gloom has finally died off--mid 70's, cloud-dotted sunny weather. This is why we suffer through extravagantly high prices and we're finally gettting a return on the investment. Plus, I need to work on my tan.
LOVE: Fuck that bar with peanuts, it's PayDay! Paid off the bills, about to pay off the rent, and still got enough to live the kind of life I like to live. Good times, good times.
LOVE: Went to Fumari last night and dropped a new top 5 on her: uses of real music in the movies. My list? Billie Holliday's "As Time Goes By", Casablanca; Steppenwolf's "Born To Be Wild", Easy Rider; the Beatles' "Twist & Shout", Ferris Bueller's Day Off; and the co-#1s: Otis Redding's "Shout" as covered by Otis "My Man" Day & the Knights, Animal House; and, of fucking course, Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes", Say Anything.
I mean, I had to bump the piano solo from "Layla" in Goodfellas and "Stuck In The Middle With You" from Reservoir Dogs, to say nothing of the pain brought on from not having "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" in Office Space, but fuck it--I'll put that top 5 against ANYBODY'S.
LOVE: Liz agreeing with me with the #1s, and not laughing when I admitted to her I cried at the end of Say Anything. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say that. And if it didn't at least occur to you, get the hell off my friend list. She's also a Cusack fan, which is why I think she appreciates the High Fidelity game.
LOVE: When Ivan & I went to place our order last night, Liz was wearing a low-cut tank top and we both had a psychic moment where we thought of the exact same line from the "Mad Real World" sketch. I said, "We're thinking the exact same thing and we don't even need to say what it is, aren't we?" He said "Yeah" and we both cracked up. That's got beer commercial written all over it.
LOVE: So, picked up the new Rolling Stone.
HATE: I should've picked up two copies.
I'm KIDDING!
...or am I?!
LOVE: I'm the Hurricane's friend on MySpace. Hurricane's on RAW, so if anybody would have Trish's cell number or know somebody who would...
LOVE: The InsomNBA Finals are finally over. I'm sorry, a good game 5 and a good game 7 (and hey, if you can't show up for a GAME FUCKING 7, go play in traffic) don't make this a classic series. The old Bulls, Lakers, and he admits choking back the bile at the back of his throat 60s and 80s Celtics would kill the Spurs. Even with sneaking looks at Eva Longoria.
HATE: My stupid itching beard.
LOVE: I'm dropping it tomorrow to look more Rick-like. Rickian? Rickesque?
I cannot think of anything else that is either relevant or true...
Current music: "Let Me Ride" by Dr. Dre
And yes, I'll take pictures and throw 'em up so y'all see how a brother livin'.
LOVE: Just in time for the 1ARJMSJ, the June Gloom has finally died off--mid 70's, cloud-dotted sunny weather. This is why we suffer through extravagantly high prices and we're finally gettting a return on the investment. Plus, I need to work on my tan.
LOVE: Fuck that bar with peanuts, it's PayDay! Paid off the bills, about to pay off the rent, and still got enough to live the kind of life I like to live. Good times, good times.
LOVE: Went to Fumari last night and dropped a new top 5 on her: uses of real music in the movies. My list? Billie Holliday's "As Time Goes By", Casablanca; Steppenwolf's "Born To Be Wild", Easy Rider; the Beatles' "Twist & Shout", Ferris Bueller's Day Off; and the co-#1s: Otis Redding's "Shout" as covered by Otis "My Man" Day & the Knights, Animal House; and, of fucking course, Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes", Say Anything.
I mean, I had to bump the piano solo from "Layla" in Goodfellas and "Stuck In The Middle With You" from Reservoir Dogs, to say nothing of the pain brought on from not having "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" in Office Space, but fuck it--I'll put that top 5 against ANYBODY'S.
LOVE: Liz agreeing with me with the #1s, and not laughing when I admitted to her I cried at the end of Say Anything. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say that. And if it didn't at least occur to you, get the hell off my friend list. She's also a Cusack fan, which is why I think she appreciates the High Fidelity game.
LOVE: When Ivan & I went to place our order last night, Liz was wearing a low-cut tank top and we both had a psychic moment where we thought of the exact same line from the "Mad Real World" sketch. I said, "We're thinking the exact same thing and we don't even need to say what it is, aren't we?" He said "Yeah" and we both cracked up. That's got beer commercial written all over it.
LOVE: So, picked up the new Rolling Stone.
HATE: I should've picked up two copies.
I'm KIDDING!
...or am I?!
LOVE: I'm the Hurricane's friend on MySpace. Hurricane's on RAW, so if anybody would have Trish's cell number or know somebody who would...
LOVE: The InsomNBA Finals are finally over. I'm sorry, a good game 5 and a good game 7 (and hey, if you can't show up for a GAME FUCKING 7, go play in traffic) don't make this a classic series. The old Bulls, Lakers, and he admits choking back the bile at the back of his throat 60s and 80s Celtics would kill the Spurs. Even with sneaking looks at Eva Longoria.
HATE: My stupid itching beard.
LOVE: I'm dropping it tomorrow to look more Rick-like. Rickian? Rickesque?
I cannot think of anything else that is either relevant or true...
Current music: "Let Me Ride" by Dr. Dre
6/19/05
A Surefire Way To Spice Up Work
Go to a birthday party where you don't even know anybody, drink 10 beers, mingle with everybody, dance with hot girls and throw your shoulder out of whack (probably as a result of the breakdancing).
The recuperative powers of Sunny D best start kicking in right quick or today's gonna be trouble.
Current music: "Gimme Shelter" by the Stones
The recuperative powers of Sunny D best start kicking in right quick or today's gonna be trouble.
Current music: "Gimme Shelter" by the Stones
6/17/05
What's Hate And Love Got To Do With It?
HATE: They brought down the Babe Index! Just when I was getting off the anal-retentive habit of making full lists, listing last month's rankings and peak positions. Figures.
HATE: This is the last day of my weekend. Five days after this. Is there anyway I can get money for sitting on my ass besides joining Congress?
LOVE: Swingers, even if I still can't watch the Most Awkward Scene In Movie History. The physical representation of your friend telling a joke about you that cuts way deeper than it appears but you don't want to bring any attention to yourself so you give one of those "ha HA" laughs while inside it feels like you just got punched in the chest by a Buick.
LOVE: Sunny Delight, version 1.
LOVE: My friend Amanda back in town for the weekends; I still owe her a Saturday night of wilding out.
LOVE: The thing about having weekdays off is you never know what's going to pop up on the tele. I mean, you'd think a weekday afternoon would be a dead zone without PTI, but right now I'm half-watching some idiot blowing it on Blind Date, There's Something About Mary's on FX (even though I own it, it's still great), they rerun Ed on TBS--which I hadn't been aware of until a week ago--and Celebrity Poker Showdown is going to be on in the bottom of the hour. I know I'm supposed to go buy the Father's Day present at some point today, but there are just too many options!
LOVE: The Rick James Memorial Summer Jam is coming along nicely, with friends in and more hot girls than guys. Everyone who wants to know the real secret to throwing a good party: get hot girls to show up. Hot girls travel in packs. Hot girls attract guys. And there you go.
HATE: Everybody jumping on the Jessica Alba bandwagon. Where is my credit? Where is my dap? The first local man to bring a pimp cup to the clubs, a Rick James wig, a World Championship belt, the man who in 2002 said Reese's needed to make a big-ass peanut butter cup, and do I even get a sniff of credit for innovation? Of course not.
HATE: The friend coming of Aaron's who asked "Who is Rick James?" She better be, like, MERILYNN hot to get away with that.
LOVE: Party tomorrow! Do I know anybody besides Aaron? Does it matter?
LOVE: Hilary Duff expanding her acting portfolio to science fiction; apparently she's in some sort of bizarro world that looks like ours in this one except Heather freaking Locklear can't get a date. I'd like to visit that place, I think I could be president.
HATE: With the door slam, my brother is officially on summer vacation. He wakes me up early once, I shall kill him.
Current music: "It's Only Rock n' Roll" by the Stones
HATE: This is the last day of my weekend. Five days after this. Is there anyway I can get money for sitting on my ass besides joining Congress?
LOVE: Swingers, even if I still can't watch the Most Awkward Scene In Movie History. The physical representation of your friend telling a joke about you that cuts way deeper than it appears but you don't want to bring any attention to yourself so you give one of those "ha HA" laughs while inside it feels like you just got punched in the chest by a Buick.
LOVE: Sunny Delight, version 1.
LOVE: My friend Amanda back in town for the weekends; I still owe her a Saturday night of wilding out.
LOVE: The thing about having weekdays off is you never know what's going to pop up on the tele. I mean, you'd think a weekday afternoon would be a dead zone without PTI, but right now I'm half-watching some idiot blowing it on Blind Date, There's Something About Mary's on FX (even though I own it, it's still great), they rerun Ed on TBS--which I hadn't been aware of until a week ago--and Celebrity Poker Showdown is going to be on in the bottom of the hour. I know I'm supposed to go buy the Father's Day present at some point today, but there are just too many options!
LOVE: The Rick James Memorial Summer Jam is coming along nicely, with friends in and more hot girls than guys. Everyone who wants to know the real secret to throwing a good party: get hot girls to show up. Hot girls travel in packs. Hot girls attract guys. And there you go.
HATE: Everybody jumping on the Jessica Alba bandwagon. Where is my credit? Where is my dap? The first local man to bring a pimp cup to the clubs, a Rick James wig, a World Championship belt, the man who in 2002 said Reese's needed to make a big-ass peanut butter cup, and do I even get a sniff of credit for innovation? Of course not.
HATE: The friend coming of Aaron's who asked "Who is Rick James?" She better be, like, MERILYNN hot to get away with that.
LOVE: Party tomorrow! Do I know anybody besides Aaron? Does it matter?
LOVE: Hilary Duff expanding her acting portfolio to science fiction; apparently she's in some sort of bizarro world that looks like ours in this one except Heather freaking Locklear can't get a date. I'd like to visit that place, I think I could be president.
HATE: With the door slam, my brother is officially on summer vacation. He wakes me up early once, I shall kill him.
Current music: "It's Only Rock n' Roll" by the Stones
6/16/05
And Now To Totally Surprise Regular Visitors, A Post Glorifying Jessica Alba
I'm just saying. There is quality, and there is Quality, and then there is what Jessica has been doing for the past...let's hedge our bets and call it nine months.
1) Maxim shoot. Soooo hot, even hotter than the first.
2) Parties with Eva Longoria for New Year's Eve in South Beach.
3) That same week, candid shots of her go out at the beach with her wearing a white bikini and her ass pointing square at the camera as some sort of siren song of all that is good and holy with the world.
4) Sin City.
5) the GQ shoot.
6) Sin City.
7) the GQ shoot, because, in both cases, seriously though.
8) the see-through shirt for the MTV Movie Awards. To quote a wise man NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA
9) "But the thrill we've never known/Is the thrill that gets ya/When you get your picture/On the cover of a Rolling Stone ROLLING STONE..."
It should be noted based on advanced reports the first paragraph of the article (that needs words?!) is entirely based on how sweet her ass is.
Is this her year or what? Just remember six years ago who began building the bandwagon with his bare hands, baby. Just remember.
Ambient music: Young Buck feat. 50 Cent - Let Me In
1) Maxim shoot. Soooo hot, even hotter than the first.
2) Parties with Eva Longoria for New Year's Eve in South Beach.
3) That same week, candid shots of her go out at the beach with her wearing a white bikini and her ass pointing square at the camera as some sort of siren song of all that is good and holy with the world.
4) Sin City.
5) the GQ shoot.
6) Sin City.
7) the GQ shoot, because, in both cases, seriously though.
8) the see-through shirt for the MTV Movie Awards. To quote a wise man NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA NIPPOLA
9) "But the thrill we've never known/Is the thrill that gets ya/When you get your picture/On the cover of a Rolling Stone ROLLING STONE..."
It should be noted based on advanced reports the first paragraph of the article (that needs words?!) is entirely based on how sweet her ass is.
Is this her year or what? Just remember six years ago who began building the bandwagon with his bare hands, baby. Just remember.
Ambient music: Young Buck feat. 50 Cent - Let Me In
6/12/05
Five Easy Pieces
ONE: She looked really cute in a way that elevated her to hot.
I had on a good pair of jeans but a polo shirt, too. For a guy on an early date, especially the first one, there's always the problem of looking like you care but not appearing to be desperate. So it's about 10 minutes away, and she's wearing a blue sundress with what're-they-called...pointsettias! and a little white sweater over the top. The nerves begin to kick in with some amplifiers now.
TWO: She's courageous. At least with food choices.
She got a pasta dish with pieces of fried calamari in it! I was blown away, as I fear certain seafood objects and that's one of them. Not only that, she offered me some of it, leading to the following exchange.
"No way, I'm not touching that."
"Why, you scared?"
"Yeah, I'm scared. That's how they get you, and then you lean in to eat, (miming a strangulation)"
"But it's fried!"
"Oh, that's what they'll tell you..."
THREE: She kept up in conversation with me, even when we disagreed.
But I'm totally right about this : all Molly Ringwald had to do was pick Duckie in Pretty In Pink and she'd be polishing Oscars right now. It was a lot about our lives, some music (mostly hip-hop), some religion, and in my favorite portion of the evening chat-wise, how Sophia was stupid, evil, crazy, and a man-hating dyke. Well, maybe not all of that, but even so it was pretty cathartic. So if I lose her it won't be over that.
FOUR: She is an appreciator of fine taste.
After originally wondering why we had to get to the restaurant when it opened up, her reaction to her plate after the first forkful in the packed house? "You seem like a nice guy and everything, but I'm leaving you for linguini and dead squid." Plus, she's into me, so there you go.
FIVE: She might not know if you kiss someone within an hour of eating said dish, you will still taste a little bit like the dish.
At least I know now.
I really like Rebecca. I mean, before, I just wanted to get with her, but now...well, we'll have to see.
But if I hads my druthers...
Current music: "Army" by Ben Folds Five
I had on a good pair of jeans but a polo shirt, too. For a guy on an early date, especially the first one, there's always the problem of looking like you care but not appearing to be desperate. So it's about 10 minutes away, and she's wearing a blue sundress with what're-they-called...pointsettias! and a little white sweater over the top. The nerves begin to kick in with some amplifiers now.
TWO: She's courageous. At least with food choices.
She got a pasta dish with pieces of fried calamari in it! I was blown away, as I fear certain seafood objects and that's one of them. Not only that, she offered me some of it, leading to the following exchange.
"No way, I'm not touching that."
"Why, you scared?"
"Yeah, I'm scared. That's how they get you, and then you lean in to eat, (miming a strangulation)"
"But it's fried!"
"Oh, that's what they'll tell you..."
THREE: She kept up in conversation with me, even when we disagreed.
But I'm totally right about this : all Molly Ringwald had to do was pick Duckie in Pretty In Pink and she'd be polishing Oscars right now. It was a lot about our lives, some music (mostly hip-hop), some religion, and in my favorite portion of the evening chat-wise, how Sophia was stupid, evil, crazy, and a man-hating dyke. Well, maybe not all of that, but even so it was pretty cathartic. So if I lose her it won't be over that.
FOUR: She is an appreciator of fine taste.
After originally wondering why we had to get to the restaurant when it opened up, her reaction to her plate after the first forkful in the packed house? "You seem like a nice guy and everything, but I'm leaving you for linguini and dead squid." Plus, she's into me, so there you go.
FIVE: She might not know if you kiss someone within an hour of eating said dish, you will still taste a little bit like the dish.
At least I know now.
I really like Rebecca. I mean, before, I just wanted to get with her, but now...well, we'll have to see.
But if I hads my druthers...
Current music: "Army" by Ben Folds Five
A DJ Plays "Just A Friend", Just A Friend Rises From The Grave, And Grave Misgivings Come True (Welcome to My Saturday)
I say yesterday if I show up dressed for the club they'll let me go early. If I don't I can assume they'll make me work my whole shift.
And for day one of my "third year", I got off two hours early for the first time. Instead of hopping across the street and joining things in media res I was doomed horribly. OK, not true, but it was a slight pain in the ass.
The oddness was only beginning.
I meant to get something substantial in my system but ended up reading a book about Coldplay at Borders. Then at the club I felt odd macking girls considering I am now under 12 hours away from my date with Rebecca. Got loose, went to Fumari. Liz, bless her, picked up the top 5 conversation right where we left off after I begged forgiveness and to replace P-Funk with Nirvana.
So just when I think the apex of oddity is reached, a group of three girls sidles in next to me, two of whom I haven't seen before and one of whom I haven't seen in months--Mary, who with glasses and darker, longer hair looks different than she was in an oddly fetching sort of Norah Jonesy way.
Talked to her, and now things are written are my arm, one of which is a message to the date and the one of which I can read is FUCKING REMEMBER THIS MARY WAS HERE.
The sobriety being an issue, and all.
Gotta get together with her; maybe invite her to the RJ Memorial Summer Jam. At least the next bowling get together.
Hey, seeing as I want to be moving in 10 hours towards Rebecca, maybe I want to use that vast interval of time for SLEEP, hm?!
Current music: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
And for day one of my "third year", I got off two hours early for the first time. Instead of hopping across the street and joining things in media res I was doomed horribly. OK, not true, but it was a slight pain in the ass.
The oddness was only beginning.
I meant to get something substantial in my system but ended up reading a book about Coldplay at Borders. Then at the club I felt odd macking girls considering I am now under 12 hours away from my date with Rebecca. Got loose, went to Fumari. Liz, bless her, picked up the top 5 conversation right where we left off after I begged forgiveness and to replace P-Funk with Nirvana.
So just when I think the apex of oddity is reached, a group of three girls sidles in next to me, two of whom I haven't seen before and one of whom I haven't seen in months--Mary, who with glasses and darker, longer hair looks different than she was in an oddly fetching sort of Norah Jonesy way.
Talked to her, and now things are written are my arm, one of which is a message to the date and the one of which I can read is FUCKING REMEMBER THIS MARY WAS HERE.
The sobriety being an issue, and all.
Gotta get together with her; maybe invite her to the RJ Memorial Summer Jam. At least the next bowling get together.
Hey, seeing as I want to be moving in 10 hours towards Rebecca, maybe I want to use that vast interval of time for SLEEP, hm?!
Current music: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
6/11/05
KWBR: The Playlist
PLUG AND PLAY:
"Touch" by Amerie
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Paul Anka
"Fix You" by Coldplay
"Go" by Common
"Futures" by Jimmy Eat World
WALK IDIOT WALK:
"1 Thing" (6)
"Hate It Or Love It" (10)
"The Corner" (12)
"You Don't Know Me" (14)
15) the Killers, "Smile Like You Mean It" (debut)
14) Memphis Bleek feat. Swizz Beats, "Like That" (15)*
13) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (9)
12) Missy Elliott feat. Ciara, "Lose Control" (13)*
11) Snoop Dogg, Pharrell, and Jay-Z, "Drop It Like It's Hot (remix)" (debut)
10) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (7)
09) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (11)
08) Coldplay, "Speed Of Sound" (debut)
07) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil Bit" (8)*
06) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (4)
05) the White Stripes, "Blue Orchid" (5)*
04) Mariah Carey feat. the Lox, "We Belong Together (remix)" (debut)
03) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (3)*
02) Audioslave, "Be Yourself" (1)
01) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (2)
Current music: "Whatever" by Our Lady Peace
"Touch" by Amerie
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Paul Anka
"Fix You" by Coldplay
"Go" by Common
"Futures" by Jimmy Eat World
WALK IDIOT WALK:
"1 Thing" (6)
"Hate It Or Love It" (10)
"The Corner" (12)
"You Don't Know Me" (14)
15) the Killers, "Smile Like You Mean It" (debut)
14) Memphis Bleek feat. Swizz Beats, "Like That" (15)*
13) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (9)
12) Missy Elliott feat. Ciara, "Lose Control" (13)*
11) Snoop Dogg, Pharrell, and Jay-Z, "Drop It Like It's Hot (remix)" (debut)
10) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (7)
09) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (11)
08) Coldplay, "Speed Of Sound" (debut)
07) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil Bit" (8)*
06) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (4)
05) the White Stripes, "Blue Orchid" (5)*
04) Mariah Carey feat. the Lox, "We Belong Together (remix)" (debut)
03) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (3)*
02) Audioslave, "Be Yourself" (1)
01) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (2)
Current music: "Whatever" by Our Lady Peace
6/10/05
Hate It Or Love It, This Friday Post Is On Top (as of this writing)
HATE: Adult responsibility. Back when I was 6, if I'd gotten 3g I would've thought I was a millionaire. At 16, I knew I could've had a fun night with my people. Now I see it and I start deducing cell bills and rent and checking charges and blah.
LOVE: Even with adult responsibility, there's still enough cash for me to be irresponsible with.
LOVE: That evil bastard Monty Burns got something right: there really is nothing like a good sit.
LOVE: Keeping the creditors from taking my pissant shit.
HATE: One of my bosses' hair-trigger temper has actually gotten worse. I don't know if it's really the slight violations I'm sort of doing or the rumor her twice her age boyfriend bounced her, but the "I'm paying you no attention and just nodding my head to mask my contempt for you" thing doesn't seem to be getting the point across.
LOVE: Picking up X&Y.
LOVE: "Fix You", which may be the best thing Coldplay's ever done. No, I didn't forget "Trouble", "Amsterdam", or "The Scientist".
HATE: They lead off with "Speed Of Sound", which is a fine enough song and all, but I am just utterly filled with resentment that "Fix You" didn't kick everybody's ass right out the starting gate. Why? WHY!?
HATE: Corrupted downloads of "Feel Good Inc." and Common's "Go".
LOVE: Paul Anka's covers, even if the whole CD was too expensive.
LOVE: The Swingers DVD, if only to fast forward through The Most Awkward Scene In Movie History. (That's not only, I got it for $7.50. But even so.)
LOVE: The first date Sunday.
HATE: The first date Sunday.
HATE: The voice who reminded me right before I went to sleep last night regarding the top 5 convo with Liz that I had omitted Run-DMC.
LOVE: What will be, once the appropriate measure of fame and looks is met at the Con, the best Answering Machine Message of All-Time: Hi, I'm ________. You may recognize me from (x), (y), and (z). Listen, if you called --my number-- hoping to talk to Butch, bad news. He's tied up at the moment. Well, that's not entirely true--it's more like he's cuffed up and not going anywhere until I'm done having my way with him. Ain't that right, baby? Anyway, I promise if you do the usual, once he gets his strength back he'll call you. Okay? Okay. Now...where'd I put that banana..."
LOVE: This post reminding me to kick off some invites for the the Summer Jam in a fortnight.
Ambient music: "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) (unplugged) " by R.E.M.
LOVE: Even with adult responsibility, there's still enough cash for me to be irresponsible with.
LOVE: That evil bastard Monty Burns got something right: there really is nothing like a good sit.
LOVE: Keeping the creditors from taking my pissant shit.
HATE: One of my bosses' hair-trigger temper has actually gotten worse. I don't know if it's really the slight violations I'm sort of doing or the rumor her twice her age boyfriend bounced her, but the "I'm paying you no attention and just nodding my head to mask my contempt for you" thing doesn't seem to be getting the point across.
LOVE: Picking up X&Y.
LOVE: "Fix You", which may be the best thing Coldplay's ever done. No, I didn't forget "Trouble", "Amsterdam", or "The Scientist".
HATE: They lead off with "Speed Of Sound", which is a fine enough song and all, but I am just utterly filled with resentment that "Fix You" didn't kick everybody's ass right out the starting gate. Why? WHY!?
HATE: Corrupted downloads of "Feel Good Inc." and Common's "Go".
LOVE: Paul Anka's covers, even if the whole CD was too expensive.
LOVE: The Swingers DVD, if only to fast forward through The Most Awkward Scene In Movie History. (That's not only, I got it for $7.50. But even so.)
LOVE: The first date Sunday.
HATE: The first date Sunday.
HATE: The voice who reminded me right before I went to sleep last night regarding the top 5 convo with Liz that I had omitted Run-DMC.
LOVE: What will be, once the appropriate measure of fame and looks is met at the Con, the best Answering Machine Message of All-Time: Hi, I'm ________. You may recognize me from (x), (y), and (z). Listen, if you called --my number-- hoping to talk to Butch, bad news. He's tied up at the moment. Well, that's not entirely true--it's more like he's cuffed up and not going anywhere until I'm done having my way with him. Ain't that right, baby? Anyway, I promise if you do the usual, once he gets his strength back he'll call you. Okay? Okay. Now...where'd I put that banana..."
LOVE: This post reminding me to kick off some invites for the the Summer Jam in a fortnight.
Ambient music: "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) (unplugged) " by R.E.M.
"Ship was nice, food was good, everything was going great...and then somebody yelled out 'Iceberg!'..."
I keep trying to myself this was a good day, full far more of triumphs than missteps. But what a misstep. And, me being me, despite the fact it's the last thing that happened I get the feeling that's what's going to be on my mind tomorrow.
Work today was pretty jejune. I did, based on some smart Aussie advice, write out what it is I want Famous Woman Who I Meet At Comic-Con to say as the answering machine message and it went over huge with Ivan so I know it's good. I solidified a date on Sunday with Rebecca who I met at the Bitter End's Memorial Day eve party after some slight maniuplation on my part to get her attention. I went over to Fumari, where I proceeded to work Ivan over like Kunta Kinte in our game of superpowers/land/hot chicks poker (in public you can't play for cash in the City of San Diego™); he may've beaten me 6 times in two and a half hours. And Jen showed up again at Fumari from my Spanish class last year; the last time I'd went with Ivan she'd shown up out of the blue then, too. You say coincidence, I say the glass is half-full and I have a cute Asian stalker.
So this is all and well to the good, but now the inevitable fuckup.
So Liz walks over to Ivan to give him the Best Hot Chocolate in Town, and I ask her her top 5 music acts of all time. I say it's a simple question, and she says it's not. But she does in short order rattle off the Beatles, the Stones, Elvis, Unwritten Law (?!) and Aretha Franklin (!!!).
No, the fuckup is I didn't immediately jump in with "Elvis was a hero to most, but he never meant shit to me!" My list: the Zeppelin, Al Green, the Peppers, Parliament/Funkadelic, and, "of course", R.E.M.
It doesn't occur to me until 5 minutes after we leave I've forgotten the Clash.
It doesn't occur to me until 10 minutes after we leave I've forgotten Public Enemy.
And then...
B : See, I was knocking on the door, and now I fucked it all up. She was like "I was going to fuck him at some point, but I can't be with him now. He didn't even mention Nirvana!"
(beat)
(realization)
HOLY SHIT, I *DIDN'T* MENTION NIRVANA! Oh, son of a bitch! Well, that's it. Clearly, I'm going to have to go home and kill myself.
You know, only I have the idiot savant acumen and sharp timing to tell a joke and then have it almost on impact horribly blow up in my face. Sweet fucking Jesus. Clearly, we're never going to hook up now.
Brooks Was Here.
Current music: "Only U" by Ashanti
Work today was pretty jejune. I did, based on some smart Aussie advice, write out what it is I want Famous Woman Who I Meet At Comic-Con to say as the answering machine message and it went over huge with Ivan so I know it's good. I solidified a date on Sunday with Rebecca who I met at the Bitter End's Memorial Day eve party after some slight maniuplation on my part to get her attention. I went over to Fumari, where I proceeded to work Ivan over like Kunta Kinte in our game of superpowers/land/hot chicks poker (in public you can't play for cash in the City of San Diego™); he may've beaten me 6 times in two and a half hours. And Jen showed up again at Fumari from my Spanish class last year; the last time I'd went with Ivan she'd shown up out of the blue then, too. You say coincidence, I say the glass is half-full and I have a cute Asian stalker.
So this is all and well to the good, but now the inevitable fuckup.
So Liz walks over to Ivan to give him the Best Hot Chocolate in Town, and I ask her her top 5 music acts of all time. I say it's a simple question, and she says it's not. But she does in short order rattle off the Beatles, the Stones, Elvis, Unwritten Law (?!) and Aretha Franklin (!!!).
No, the fuckup is I didn't immediately jump in with "Elvis was a hero to most, but he never meant shit to me!" My list: the Zeppelin, Al Green, the Peppers, Parliament/Funkadelic, and, "of course", R.E.M.
It doesn't occur to me until 5 minutes after we leave I've forgotten the Clash.
It doesn't occur to me until 10 minutes after we leave I've forgotten Public Enemy.
And then...
B : See, I was knocking on the door, and now I fucked it all up. She was like "I was going to fuck him at some point, but I can't be with him now. He didn't even mention Nirvana!"
(beat)
(realization)
HOLY SHIT, I *DIDN'T* MENTION NIRVANA! Oh, son of a bitch! Well, that's it. Clearly, I'm going to have to go home and kill myself.
You know, only I have the idiot savant acumen and sharp timing to tell a joke and then have it almost on impact horribly blow up in my face. Sweet fucking Jesus. Clearly, we're never going to hook up now.
Brooks Was Here.
Current music: "Only U" by Ashanti
6/9/05
39 Running For Second
All right, Jessica, I get it. You really want to be #1 the rest of the year.
- The war for the top 10 contines, with Bilson narrowly getting ahead of Keibler this time around.
- Tyra Banks took the biggest hit of anyone who remained, dropping 15 to 39.
- Both JLH & Katherine Heigl jumped 12, but Nikki Cox had the biggest jump by going up 15.
- The turnover rate? 12%: welcome back Christian Milian, and back for the first time are Pam Anderson, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, and Shakira.
6/8/05
Not Just For Sodas
I feel so unbelievably bad I have to bump the Best Post Ever off the top slot on the marquee.
So my poker home game has somehow in the couple times I've missed out on switched its prime night from Saturday to Tuesday. Maybe this is a temporary thing, but I actually don't mind as you guys know the odds of me busting hump at the J O are way smaller on martes than sabado. Since it is a perilous shoestring 48 hours before the paycheck, Aaron is kind enough to front me $10 to buy in.
Tonight I think I played better than the time before, and exponentially better than the time before that. It's the point of playing NL Tex for cash; to not fritter away your money (even loaned) in a bunch of draw chases that end up going nowhere, to be able to read people, and most proudly, to know when to fold 'em. I think of at least three folds: pocket 6s where nothing came on the river and I would've gotten outdrawn is first and foremost, though I also ditched a 10-A suited facing a raise and reraise. I also remember getting two pair, but almost getting pushed to the breaking point and folding--what would've jobbed out to a better two pair.
Crowning achievement: finally toppling the monster once known as Bruce. Bruce has treated me & Aaron in the past few games the same way the Voorhies treat kids who come to camp, and we have never beaten him for any significant amount of money. So tonight after a flop comes down with JQ in it he's looking at my stack like he can imagine the 47" monitor it's going to fund to upgrade from that pussy-ass 30" he's got going on, and I push all in. Pocket Kings. Sacramento. I am fucked, unless by some divine act of Alba OH HOLY JESSICA MARIE IT'S THE LAST FUCKING KING IN THE DECK MAKING ME THE NUT STRAIGHT! Bruce is almost dead! Good, after 2,005 years of suffering, has finally bitchslapped evil into compliance!
All right, I am exaggerating slightly but damn it felt good. Bruce loses his remaining pittiance on the next hand, and Peter sings the second best song of all-time, "Bruce Just Lost All His Money (In The Last Two Hands)". When the night ends and they shuffle back off to the Official Taco Shop of the Local Klan, I'm ahead enough to give back Aaron his money and remain 7 up.
Sadly, I blew it all on big-ass peanut butter cups and whores.
Okay, I just blew some of it on the big-ass peanut butter cups. But it's still a good night in my development, and hey, Celebrity Poker Showdown in 45...of course, if it's the Brad Garrett ep, I'll be falling asleep to Katie Couric...
Current music: "Southside" by Moby & Gwen Stefani
So my poker home game has somehow in the couple times I've missed out on switched its prime night from Saturday to Tuesday. Maybe this is a temporary thing, but I actually don't mind as you guys know the odds of me busting hump at the J O are way smaller on martes than sabado. Since it is a perilous shoestring 48 hours before the paycheck, Aaron is kind enough to front me $10 to buy in.
Tonight I think I played better than the time before, and exponentially better than the time before that. It's the point of playing NL Tex for cash; to not fritter away your money (even loaned) in a bunch of draw chases that end up going nowhere, to be able to read people, and most proudly, to know when to fold 'em. I think of at least three folds: pocket 6s where nothing came on the river and I would've gotten outdrawn is first and foremost, though I also ditched a 10-A suited facing a raise and reraise. I also remember getting two pair, but almost getting pushed to the breaking point and folding--what would've jobbed out to a better two pair.
Crowning achievement: finally toppling the monster once known as Bruce. Bruce has treated me & Aaron in the past few games the same way the Voorhies treat kids who come to camp, and we have never beaten him for any significant amount of money. So tonight after a flop comes down with JQ in it he's looking at my stack like he can imagine the 47" monitor it's going to fund to upgrade from that pussy-ass 30" he's got going on, and I push all in. Pocket Kings. Sacramento. I am fucked, unless by some divine act of Alba OH HOLY JESSICA MARIE IT'S THE LAST FUCKING KING IN THE DECK MAKING ME THE NUT STRAIGHT! Bruce is almost dead! Good, after 2,005 years of suffering, has finally bitchslapped evil into compliance!
All right, I am exaggerating slightly but damn it felt good. Bruce loses his remaining pittiance on the next hand, and Peter sings the second best song of all-time, "Bruce Just Lost All His Money (In The Last Two Hands)". When the night ends and they shuffle back off to the Official Taco Shop of the Local Klan, I'm ahead enough to give back Aaron his money and remain 7 up.
Sadly, I blew it all on big-ass peanut butter cups and whores.
Okay, I just blew some of it on the big-ass peanut butter cups. But it's still a good night in my development, and hey, Celebrity Poker Showdown in 45...of course, if it's the Brad Garrett ep, I'll be falling asleep to Katie Couric...
Current music: "Southside" by Moby & Gwen Stefani
6/5/05
How You Living, Butchie Smalls?
No mansions or benzes, no m's to my friends but it's still stupendous.
SATURDAY (P.M.): Work. Go home and get my fresh on. Hit the club. Crazier than usual: an astounding Beyonce impression, ass-smacking, chicks kissing, and a funk band covering the Clash, along with the usual bump-and-grind suspects. Hit Fumari, say hi to Liz, and have the Best Hot Chocolate in the City. Crash out at the crack of 4.
SUNDAY (A.M.): Curse construction and the fact it's 9. Pancakes. Pancakes.
SUNDAY (P.M.): Change your font on the blog with a click of the keyboard the first time out without ruining anything else. Get back to work. Covering the marathon's after-party. Find out the DJ ain't no joke when he warms up with "Pump It Up". Proceed to plow through entire shift doing 15% ticket tacking and 85% dancing. "Let's Get Retarded", "Sex Machine" (!), "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough", "Don't Phunk With My Heart", admire the courage of those who put in 26 and still had enough in them to grind to "Yeah", and yes, the Macarena & YMCA. Find out apparently the funniest thing ever is the Jon Lovitz dance. For the uniniated, close your eyes, put a smile on your face, and shake your upper torso like a video honey on X. Get off an hour early. And download!
Current music: "Touch" by Amerie, which damn sure better blow up
SATURDAY (P.M.): Work. Go home and get my fresh on. Hit the club. Crazier than usual: an astounding Beyonce impression, ass-smacking, chicks kissing, and a funk band covering the Clash, along with the usual bump-and-grind suspects. Hit Fumari, say hi to Liz, and have the Best Hot Chocolate in the City. Crash out at the crack of 4.
SUNDAY (A.M.): Curse construction and the fact it's 9. Pancakes. Pancakes.
SUNDAY (P.M.): Change your font on the blog with a click of the keyboard the first time out without ruining anything else. Get back to work. Covering the marathon's after-party. Find out the DJ ain't no joke when he warms up with "Pump It Up". Proceed to plow through entire shift doing 15% ticket tacking and 85% dancing. "Let's Get Retarded", "Sex Machine" (!), "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough", "Don't Phunk With My Heart", admire the courage of those who put in 26 and still had enough in them to grind to "Yeah", and yes, the Macarena & YMCA. Find out apparently the funniest thing ever is the Jon Lovitz dance. For the uniniated, close your eyes, put a smile on your face, and shake your upper torso like a video honey on X. Get off an hour early. And download!
Current music: "Touch" by Amerie, which damn sure better blow up
6/3/05
A Never-Ending War Between Love And Hate, Updated For Friday
HATE: The cut I got yesterday right on the borderline between mustache and lip. Hopefully, that won't get out of control ugly before it heals up.
HATE: My mom getting on me about getting another job, or a full-time job. AND wanting me to go to school. First of all, I don't have time to do all of the above, second, between her illness, my Grandmother, Sparks games, and holidays, the last time she worked a whole 40-hour week was in 2003, and third, I'm only young once. I got plenty of years for the Man to full-over fuck me in the ass; there's only X amount of time I get to see my friends and party and play poker, et al. This is leftover from yesterday, but even so. Every time I get consecutive days off this shit comes up again.
HATE: I picked a girl up Memorial Day Eve, but I don't know when we're gonna get together with my schedule being really odd for the next week and not knowing for the week after that.
HATE: Gray weather. I was hoping with the Memorial Day weekend being mostly in the high 70s and low 80s we'd finally turned a corner on our year, but I guess not.
LOVE: Three weeks remain until the First Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam.
LOVE: This Charles Barkley quote page. A sampling: Everybody is automatically better when they play wtih Shaquille O'Neal. Look at it this way: We haven't heard anything from Devean George or Derek Fisher. Rick Fox retired. All those (Lakers) guys were good players, but they are not nearly as good without Shaquille. We didn't even know (Heat guard) Damon Jones was alive three months ago, and now he's leading the league in three-point shooting because his man is camped in Shaquille O'Neal's lap.
LOVE: Six weeks until Comic-Con, bitches!
HATE: The debating I'm having on when I meet a famous girl there, if I should have the crux of the voicemail "Butch isn't here" message written out already to save time or just have them wing it.
SOME NEBULOUS GRAY AREA: Winnie Cooper, you get some clothes on! And I really never, ever thought I'd be using that sentence...
HATE: The myriad of links since I'm feeling more meh than up today. What is this, a Johnny B post?
LOVE: The lack of problems from the other two since I dropped IE and threw Netscape at them.
Current music: "Underneath Your Clothes" by Shakira
HATE: My mom getting on me about getting another job, or a full-time job. AND wanting me to go to school. First of all, I don't have time to do all of the above, second, between her illness, my Grandmother, Sparks games, and holidays, the last time she worked a whole 40-hour week was in 2003, and third, I'm only young once. I got plenty of years for the Man to full-over fuck me in the ass; there's only X amount of time I get to see my friends and party and play poker, et al. This is leftover from yesterday, but even so. Every time I get consecutive days off this shit comes up again.
HATE: I picked a girl up Memorial Day Eve, but I don't know when we're gonna get together with my schedule being really odd for the next week and not knowing for the week after that.
HATE: Gray weather. I was hoping with the Memorial Day weekend being mostly in the high 70s and low 80s we'd finally turned a corner on our year, but I guess not.
LOVE: Three weeks remain until the First Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam.
LOVE: This Charles Barkley quote page. A sampling: Everybody is automatically better when they play wtih Shaquille O'Neal. Look at it this way: We haven't heard anything from Devean George or Derek Fisher. Rick Fox retired. All those (Lakers) guys were good players, but they are not nearly as good without Shaquille. We didn't even know (Heat guard) Damon Jones was alive three months ago, and now he's leading the league in three-point shooting because his man is camped in Shaquille O'Neal's lap.
LOVE: Six weeks until Comic-Con, bitches!
HATE: The debating I'm having on when I meet a famous girl there, if I should have the crux of the voicemail "Butch isn't here" message written out already to save time or just have them wing it.
SOME NEBULOUS GRAY AREA: Winnie Cooper, you get some clothes on! And I really never, ever thought I'd be using that sentence...
HATE: The myriad of links since I'm feeling more meh than up today. What is this, a Johnny B post?
LOVE: The lack of problems from the other two since I dropped IE and threw Netscape at them.
Current music: "Underneath Your Clothes" by Shakira
6/1/05
Bless You, Keith Olbermann
So? The brand-new falling in love feeling? Medically specificially located upon a certain part of the brain. The only comparable things doctors found to equal the feeling are the following: vast quantities of chocolate numbering in pounds, winning money, and--I shit you not--cocaine.
Cocaine.
I think those of you familiar with my viewing habits know where I'm going with this: new poonani's a hell of a drug.
Current music: "The Last DJ" by Tom Petty
Cocaine.
I think those of you familiar with my viewing habits know where I'm going with this: new poonani's a hell of a drug.
Current music: "The Last DJ" by Tom Petty
5/28/05
T-Minus Hits
COMEDOWN:
"Number One Spot" (8)
"Signs" (12)
"Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (14)
15) Memphis Bleek, "Like That" (debut)
14) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (9)
13) Missy Elliott feat. Ciara, "Lose Control" (debut)
12) Common feat. the Last Poets, "The Corner" (13)
11) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (15)
10) The Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (4)
09) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (7)
08) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (10)*
07) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (11)*
06) Amerie, "1 Thing" (2)
05) The White Stripes, "Blue Orchid" (debut)
04) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (1)
03) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (5)*
02) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (3)*
01) Audioslave, "Be Yourself" (6) [2w]
Ambient music: Live - I Alone
"Number One Spot" (8)
"Signs" (12)
"Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (14)
15) Memphis Bleek, "Like That" (debut)
14) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (9)
13) Missy Elliott feat. Ciara, "Lose Control" (debut)
12) Common feat. the Last Poets, "The Corner" (13)
11) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (15)
10) The Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (4)
09) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (7)
08) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (10)*
07) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (11)*
06) Amerie, "1 Thing" (2)
05) The White Stripes, "Blue Orchid" (debut)
04) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (1)
03) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (5)*
02) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (3)*
01) Audioslave, "Be Yourself" (6) [2w]
Ambient music: Live - I Alone
5/27/05
Hate Leads To Friday
I hate:
- Ticketmaster being ¼ of my Snoop ticket.
- The stuff I absent-mindedly signed up for in order to process the order faster and trying to get back from my lunch break.
- Living hand-to-mouth for a week because of the ticket.
- Finding out 72 hours after the fact Snoop was coming back in 2 months.
- Not buying Anger Management because of the ticket.
- Finding out yesterday the e-mails I sent didn't get through to one department and causing a massive overdraw in my checking account.
- Living hand-to-mouth another couple weeks because of that.
- Cutting back on my plans for the holiday weekend because of it(?)
- No Team America, Scrubs, NewsRadio, or Seinfeld season 4.
- Delaying paying off the cell bill.
- Delaying continuing to pay for Miami, and hopefully that won't lead to a rate increase.
- The fact when I went into msconfig yesterday to delete all the bullshit my brother and mother download that sneaks into the startup, the computer reset itself to 640/480 and no matter what I've tried I haven't been able to fix it.
- Everything being gigantic and partially hidden behind a big fat wall of plaid.
- Randomly stopping and having to reset.
- How frustrated I am about the last three because everything works (except for getting into Java chat) and runs faster, but I still can't fix the display.
- The friends I usually depend on to do it haven't been able to help me.
- This stupid computer.
- My idiot family for fucking up the stupid computer.
5/21/05
How The West Was Won And Where It Got Me
Format shamelessly lifted from El Basquetbol.
FOR: Getting the Winslow throwback before I headed out--I did not want to be wearing the Kobe throwback in some sort of show of faux solidarity just that's 'cause where they're from. Plus, it sends a horrible message to cute available white girls.
AGAINST: Taking soooooooooo loooooooooooong to get up there.
FOR: When on a postcard-perfect day you unexpectedly see the Pacific and your first reaction besides "WOW." is Andy Dufresne. A man who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side...
AGAINST: Uphill walks.
FOR: The line for the monthly meeting of Fine Bitches happens to be occuring on Throwback Appreciation Night; Dominique, Diesel, Jim Brown, Dr. J (on the f'n SQUIRES, no less), Norm Nixon on the Clips...
AGAINST: You mean to tell me Norm Nixon gets one and I still can't get my Rambis on?
FOR: The Jaime Pressly lookalike ahead of me with the big rack. If Jaime Pressly has a fault--IF...
AGAINST: Taken. They always are. Lousy Jebus...
AGAINST: The cops swarming to break it up between the rival hip-hop stations, leading to them hovering around the line. I don't think I'll be able to sell this bad boy off now.
AGAINST: The merch. Only thing I would've considered were I not in such dire financial straits was the black Snoop Doog hoodie from "Drop It Like It's Hot", and at $45 I expect a nickel bag in the pocket.
FOR: General admission, because the term "sit wherethefuckever" doesn't fit on a ticket. On the floor? By the stage? Don't mind ifs I do!
AGAINST: NO BEER?! NO BEER?! This is the sort of thing you should put on the ticket! I mean, if I'd known in advance I would've done the honorable thing and shown up crocked out of my gourd. Seriously, for twofitty I could've had the one-Kennedy serving size Heineken and I would've slurped that bitch down like Brooke Burke's titty milk. Now I'm paying $3 for a Sprite that doesn't even have CAFFEINE!
FOR: A brother selling weed necklaces to "Superfly" and "I'm Your Pusherman". It's just right.
AGAINST: Cute female DJs--hell, next thing you know they'll be letting niggers golf!
FOR: The Game starting promptly at 8:10.
AGAINST: Not being able to give a proper Westside hand signal. My ring fingers just don't work. And maybe, they never will. :(
FOR: "The Documentary", though after hearing "Moment Of Clarity" I'm still slightly surprised Jay-Z is the best rapper alive...
FOR: Game making a joke about stopping pushing once this next check clears.
FOR: Game chugging a bottle of champagne.
FOR: Game chugging TWO bottles of champagne.
AGAINST: Game crying on stage. I believe it was heartfelt but if life has taught me anything besides "there is but one bitch in the world; one bitch with many faces", it's this: don't EVER fuck with DMX. EVER.
AGAINST: Cellphones being the new lights. It's not the same, it's not even close.
FOR: Puff, puff, pass! Hey, I haven't done it in four years; this just proves I've got it beat.
FOR: Game: I don't give a fuck if you a Blood, a Crip, male, female, black, Latino, Asian, white boy all both of y'all in here...(there were a few more than two, but funny's funny)
FOR: Game: ...maybe they hating on you 'cause your chain's better, maybe they hate on you because you got a fresh whip, maybe 'cause when they call their girl your dick's in her already and she on the line talkin' 'bout she at the mall with her friend Candice...
FOR: "Murder Inc. can SUCK! MY! DICK! Ja Rule can SUCK! MY! DICK!" Oh, I've said those hundreds of times, but when you got 6,499 saying it with you...
FOR: Closing out with the singles in reverse chronological order.
FOR: Singing 50's hooks on "Hate It Or Love It" & "How We Do".
AGAINST: Never should've broken up with Vivica.
FOR: Game: ...I'll fuck any one of you bitches! Line up by the side of the stage! Wow, I like Game now, and I don't just say that because I'd plow his moms.
FOR: Game going up through the crowd like DDP, and taking pictures, giving dap, and yelling at somebody's friend on their cell they were bitchmade for not showing up to the concert.
AGAINST: The pic I took, I only got the back of his Reds cap and some of the tat off the shoulder. Delete.
FOR: The little movie vignette where Snoop scores a threeway only to find out the chick he was with before it happened was setting him up and he's got to lay waste to all the bad guys.
FOR: The bad guys wearing President masks a la Point Break.
FOR: Snoop blowing them all away. Oh, also.
FOR: BOOBIES and lipstick lesbians and heavy petting.
FOR: Kicking off with "Who Am I? (What's My Name?)" That's right, nothing but the hits, nothing but the motherfucking hits.
FOR: UNCLE JUNEBUG~~~~~~~
FOR: DON MAGIC JUAN~~~~ and it segues right into "P.I.M.P.". Niiiiiiiiiiice.
FOR: Puff, puff, give!
AGAINST: I am Tone Loc. These girls are all around, but none of them want to get with me. But my threads are fresh and I'm looking def...but I'm standing too close to where they're letting some of them go backstage.
FOR: DJ Easy-Dick & W-Ballz! That's where they're going, they have a little radio setup.
AGAINST: Little samples of "Nuthin' But A G Thang" & "The Next Episode". Like we don't know Dre's part.
FOR: Snoop is smoking. A LOT. Read that back and let it set in.
FOR: Puff, puff, puff, pass!
FOR: The girls dancing backstage.
FOR: The "SHOW YOUR TITS!" chant that I swear I didn't start.
FOR: Snoop, delivering the Line of the Night: Show me your titties, bitch! I'm Rick James!
AGAINST: The first chick who flashed.
FOR: The other two.
FOR: The "It Ain't No Fun" singalong. Trust me, as fun as it is yelling "Trick ass biiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" at the top of your lungs, it's better watching cute girls do it.
FOR: Snoop doing "Let's Get Blown" over the beat from "Wait".
FOR: Closing out with "Drop It Like It's Hot".
FOR: Snoop doing hits while doing all his hits.
AGAINST: A full band AND two DJs. Overkill!
FOR: Doing it again, except with money.
Ambient music: De La Soul feat. Redman - Oooh
FOR: Getting the Winslow throwback before I headed out--I did not want to be wearing the Kobe throwback in some sort of show of faux solidarity just that's 'cause where they're from. Plus, it sends a horrible message to cute available white girls.
AGAINST: Taking soooooooooo loooooooooooong to get up there.
FOR: When on a postcard-perfect day you unexpectedly see the Pacific and your first reaction besides "WOW." is Andy Dufresne. A man who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side...
AGAINST: Uphill walks.
FOR: The line for the monthly meeting of Fine Bitches happens to be occuring on Throwback Appreciation Night; Dominique, Diesel, Jim Brown, Dr. J (on the f'n SQUIRES, no less), Norm Nixon on the Clips...
AGAINST: You mean to tell me Norm Nixon gets one and I still can't get my Rambis on?
FOR: The Jaime Pressly lookalike ahead of me with the big rack. If Jaime Pressly has a fault--IF...
AGAINST: Taken. They always are. Lousy Jebus...
AGAINST: The cops swarming to break it up between the rival hip-hop stations, leading to them hovering around the line. I don't think I'll be able to sell this bad boy off now.
AGAINST: The merch. Only thing I would've considered were I not in such dire financial straits was the black Snoop Doog hoodie from "Drop It Like It's Hot", and at $45 I expect a nickel bag in the pocket.
FOR: General admission, because the term "sit wherethefuckever" doesn't fit on a ticket. On the floor? By the stage? Don't mind ifs I do!
AGAINST: NO BEER?! NO BEER?! This is the sort of thing you should put on the ticket! I mean, if I'd known in advance I would've done the honorable thing and shown up crocked out of my gourd. Seriously, for twofitty I could've had the one-Kennedy serving size Heineken and I would've slurped that bitch down like Brooke Burke's titty milk. Now I'm paying $3 for a Sprite that doesn't even have CAFFEINE!
FOR: A brother selling weed necklaces to "Superfly" and "I'm Your Pusherman". It's just right.
AGAINST: Cute female DJs--hell, next thing you know they'll be letting niggers golf!
FOR: The Game starting promptly at 8:10.
AGAINST: Not being able to give a proper Westside hand signal. My ring fingers just don't work. And maybe, they never will. :(
FOR: "The Documentary", though after hearing "Moment Of Clarity" I'm still slightly surprised Jay-Z is the best rapper alive...
FOR: Game making a joke about stopping pushing once this next check clears.
FOR: Game chugging a bottle of champagne.
FOR: Game chugging TWO bottles of champagne.
AGAINST: Game crying on stage. I believe it was heartfelt but if life has taught me anything besides "there is but one bitch in the world; one bitch with many faces", it's this: don't EVER fuck with DMX. EVER.
AGAINST: Cellphones being the new lights. It's not the same, it's not even close.
FOR: Puff, puff, pass! Hey, I haven't done it in four years; this just proves I've got it beat.
FOR: Game: I don't give a fuck if you a Blood, a Crip, male, female, black, Latino, Asian, white boy all both of y'all in here...(there were a few more than two, but funny's funny)
FOR: Game: ...maybe they hating on you 'cause your chain's better, maybe they hate on you because you got a fresh whip, maybe 'cause when they call their girl your dick's in her already and she on the line talkin' 'bout she at the mall with her friend Candice...
FOR: "Murder Inc. can SUCK! MY! DICK! Ja Rule can SUCK! MY! DICK!" Oh, I've said those hundreds of times, but when you got 6,499 saying it with you...
FOR: Closing out with the singles in reverse chronological order.
FOR: Singing 50's hooks on "Hate It Or Love It" & "How We Do".
AGAINST: Never should've broken up with Vivica.
FOR: Game: ...I'll fuck any one of you bitches! Line up by the side of the stage! Wow, I like Game now, and I don't just say that because I'd plow his moms.
FOR: Game going up through the crowd like DDP, and taking pictures, giving dap, and yelling at somebody's friend on their cell they were bitchmade for not showing up to the concert.
AGAINST: The pic I took, I only got the back of his Reds cap and some of the tat off the shoulder. Delete.
FOR: The little movie vignette where Snoop scores a threeway only to find out the chick he was with before it happened was setting him up and he's got to lay waste to all the bad guys.
FOR: The bad guys wearing President masks a la Point Break.
FOR: Snoop blowing them all away. Oh, also.
FOR: BOOBIES and lipstick lesbians and heavy petting.
FOR: Kicking off with "Who Am I? (What's My Name?)" That's right, nothing but the hits, nothing but the motherfucking hits.
FOR: UNCLE JUNEBUG~~~~~~~
FOR: DON MAGIC JUAN~~~~ and it segues right into "P.I.M.P.". Niiiiiiiiiiice.
FOR: Puff, puff, give!
AGAINST: I am Tone Loc. These girls are all around, but none of them want to get with me. But my threads are fresh and I'm looking def...but I'm standing too close to where they're letting some of them go backstage.
FOR: DJ Easy-Dick & W-Ballz! That's where they're going, they have a little radio setup.
AGAINST: Little samples of "Nuthin' But A G Thang" & "The Next Episode". Like we don't know Dre's part.
FOR: Snoop is smoking. A LOT. Read that back and let it set in.
FOR: Puff, puff, puff, pass!
FOR: The girls dancing backstage.
FOR: The "SHOW YOUR TITS!" chant that I swear I didn't start.
FOR: Snoop, delivering the Line of the Night: Show me your titties, bitch! I'm Rick James!
AGAINST: The first chick who flashed.
FOR: The other two.
FOR: The "It Ain't No Fun" singalong. Trust me, as fun as it is yelling "Trick ass biiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" at the top of your lungs, it's better watching cute girls do it.
FOR: Snoop doing "Let's Get Blown" over the beat from "Wait".
FOR: Closing out with "Drop It Like It's Hot".
FOR: Snoop doing hits while doing all his hits.
AGAINST: A full band AND two DJs. Overkill!
FOR: Doing it again, except with money.
Ambient music: De La Soul feat. Redman - Oooh
5/20/05
Law & Order: Special Love & Hate Unit
HATE: Today's choices, one of which is go see the Game/Snoop concert and live like a pauper for the next few days, or sell the ticket and not see the concert.
LOVE: The Anger Management lineup of 50, Em, and Lil' Jon and his crew, which is making me lean towards selling this ticket.
LOVE: Paying off the Miami vacation with the next check.
LOVE: Finally got the Winslow throwback today, and it's one of the few things that's worth the wait.
HATE: Sodas with lime. Lime belongs in 7-Up, Sprite, and Corona. That's IT! THAT'S THE LIST!
LOVE: The summer party on June 25th, the First Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam.
LOVE: My shirt idea for the girls that show up--Rick James licked the side of my mom's face and all she got was type A syphillis (and a daughter).
LOVE: The new White Stripes single "Blue Orchid". Mmm...fuzzy guitar.
HATE: I still haven't figured out the sample from "Lose Control". I want to say the Pac-Man game, buuuuut....
LOVE: After our rainiest season--well, let's just say ever--we're finally getting some real honest-to-Alba San Diego weather going on: 70s, a little breeze, sun shining, sky dotted with clouds. This is why we all pay out the ass, folks.
LOVE: Looking at the scenery on a day like this while sipping a cold beverage and not being at work. Good times.
LOVE: A local pub is running a Hottie or Naughty event on Memorial Day Eve where it's a 5 buck discount if you dress all in white (hottie) or all in black (naughty). See, the problem is I have a lot of black in the closest, even though I am a Regulation Hottie. Cruel, cruel world.
LOVE:
Ambient music: Busta Rhymes feat. Pharrell - Light Your Ass On Fire
LOVE: The Anger Management lineup of 50, Em, and Lil' Jon and his crew, which is making me lean towards selling this ticket.
LOVE: Paying off the Miami vacation with the next check.
LOVE: Finally got the Winslow throwback today, and it's one of the few things that's worth the wait.
HATE: Sodas with lime. Lime belongs in 7-Up, Sprite, and Corona. That's IT! THAT'S THE LIST!
LOVE: The summer party on June 25th, the First Annual Rick James Memorial Summer Jam.
LOVE: My shirt idea for the girls that show up--Rick James licked the side of my mom's face and all she got was type A syphillis (and a daughter).
LOVE: The new White Stripes single "Blue Orchid". Mmm...fuzzy guitar.
HATE: I still haven't figured out the sample from "Lose Control". I want to say the Pac-Man game, buuuuut....
LOVE: After our rainiest season--well, let's just say ever--we're finally getting some real honest-to-Alba San Diego weather going on: 70s, a little breeze, sun shining, sky dotted with clouds. This is why we all pay out the ass, folks.
LOVE: Looking at the scenery on a day like this while sipping a cold beverage and not being at work. Good times.
LOVE: A local pub is running a Hottie or Naughty event on Memorial Day Eve where it's a 5 buck discount if you dress all in white (hottie) or all in black (naughty). See, the problem is I have a lot of black in the closest, even though I am a Regulation Hottie. Cruel, cruel world.
LOVE:
Ambient music: Busta Rhymes feat. Pharrell - Light Your Ass On Fire
5/17/05
And Nowwww....A Horrifying Look Into the Future!
(INT. suburban house in mid 2020s America)
(INT. hallway)
(Dad whistles, putting away a crate. Daughter tugs on his leg.)
Daughter: Daddy, whatcha doin'?
Daddy: Oh, hi pumpkin. Daddy's just putting away his old stuff. You want to see it?
Daughter: OK!
(Daddy opens box. Daughter pulls out his old pride and joy, a CD of Nevermind. The daughter looks at it, and flips it around, confused.)
Daughter: Did you use this to kill bugs, Daddy?
(laughter)
Daddy: No! No! It plays music--there's a disc on the inside. (Opens it.) See! It's a CD!
(Daughter has blank look of incomprehension on her face)
Daughter: Daddy, what's a CD?
(dumbfounded)
Daddy: It's--it's a CD! A CD! They were like records, but smaller!
(silence)
(silence)
Daughter: Daddy, what's a record?
(Daddy gets up without a word and goes into the kitchen.)
Daughter: Mommy, Daddy's drinking in the afternoon again!
(INT. hallway)
(Dad whistles, putting away a crate. Daughter tugs on his leg.)
Daughter: Daddy, whatcha doin'?
Daddy: Oh, hi pumpkin. Daddy's just putting away his old stuff. You want to see it?
Daughter: OK!
(Daddy opens box. Daughter pulls out his old pride and joy, a CD of Nevermind. The daughter looks at it, and flips it around, confused.)
Daughter: Did you use this to kill bugs, Daddy?
(laughter)
Daddy: No! No! It plays music--there's a disc on the inside. (Opens it.) See! It's a CD!
(Daughter has blank look of incomprehension on her face)
Daughter: Daddy, what's a CD?
(dumbfounded)
Daddy: It's--it's a CD! A CD! They were like records, but smaller!
(silence)
(silence)
Daughter: Daddy, what's a record?
(Daddy gets up without a word and goes into the kitchen.)
Daughter: Mommy, Daddy's drinking in the afternoon again!
FIN
Ambient music: Hoobastank - Crawling In The Dark
5/15/05
Jessica And The Albaettes
Updatery on the list of the future Mrs., mistresses, and booty calls on the side there. You can scroll down since I'm far too lazy to do a full-on recap now thanks to The Babe Index. Ah, technology. Respect.
A few assorted ends and odds, though:
A few assorted ends and odds, though:
- Stacy Keibler makes her first apperance in the top 10, getting that final nudge in off of the Stuff shoot.
- Biggest beneficiaries from the update are Rebecca Romijn (up 17), Monica Bellucci (up 16), and Shannon Elizabeth (up 11).
- None of the women still on the countdown dropped double digits.
- Debuts come from Ali Landry, Elizabeth Hurley, Kim Smith, Nikki Cox, Teri Hatcher, and since this list isn't retroactive to 1997, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Esther Baxter re-enters the countdown.
- I believe act one of my summer is going to be reuniting Lindsay Lohan with her hair, fake chest, and a fucking cheesburger.
5/14/05
Rosser Hot Fifteen
THE SOUND OF SETTLING:
"E-Pro" (14), "Ordinary People" (15)
15) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (re-entry)
14) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (13)
13) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (12)
12) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake, "Signs" (2)
11) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (debut)
10) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (11)*
09) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (6)
08) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (4)
07) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (8)*
06) Audioslave, "Be Yourself' (9)*
05) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (7)*
04) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (5)
03) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (10)*
02) Amerie, "1 Thing" (1)
01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (3) [3rd time, 6w]
Ambient music: Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line
"E-Pro" (14), "Ordinary People" (15)
15) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (re-entry)
14) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (13)
13) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (12)
12) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake, "Signs" (2)
11) Ciara feat. Ludacris, "Oh" (debut)
10) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (11)*
09) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (6)
08) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (4)
07) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (8)*
06) Audioslave, "Be Yourself' (9)*
05) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (7)*
04) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (5)
03) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (10)*
02) Amerie, "1 Thing" (1)
01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (3) [3rd time, 6w]
Ambient music: Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line
5/13/05
A Thin Friday Between Love And Hate
HATE: Waiting in limbo to see when they're going to kill the electricity, if they are. They said they were going to back at 8, but here it is about noon and I'm doing this with Blind Date on the background.
HATE: One of the smallest checks I've ever seen in my life. How I am supposed to get a proper swerve on? HOW?
HATE: Delaying paying off Natalie, even though I don't think the next check is going to bring some financial windfall, either.
HATE: The looming possibility of--*gulp*--selling my Game/Snoop tickets. I suppose I could try to get the comeback for Anger Management, but even so.
HATE: The new Lindsay Lohan. No breasts and she got hit with a sudden case of the uglies, too. Damn shame. I haven't seen someone fall off this fast since Shawn Kemp.
HATE: Being jerked around on my Winslow throwback.
LOVE: The new host of E!'s Wild On is TARA REID. You could look it up! That's appointment television right there. I wonder if they'll have to shorten the show to 10 minutes to get in all the usable footage.
HATE: I'm still coughing up phlegm! HOW? Can someone put one of those dentist's things in my mouth and suck out all this what appears to be lining my insides?
HATE: Dave going to the crazy house. I just hope it's nothing major and we eventually get a Season 3.
HATE: I guess the best-season-of-Seinfeld/first-seasons-of-Scrubs/Team America: World Police debate I was having for next Tuesday just died an ugly, violent death.
LOVE: TWO more seasons of Arrested Development! Praise Buster! Now maybe you guys can quit sleeping on the co-funniest show on TV and actually see the damn thing, hmm?
LOVE: The possibility of Eva Longoria dating Keifer Sutherland, because if anybody deserves somebody on Eva's level, it's Jack Fucking Bauer. Yes, his middle name is the F-bomb; once you kick a certain amount of ass in the name of the country they just change it.
LOVE: If they keep taking forever to kill the electricity, maybe I can get some writing done.
Better not chance it...
LATE AFTERNOON ADDITIONS
LOVE: Naughty By Nature doing a medley of their classics on 106th & Park. Can you imagine having them do your prom? Oh, that'd be sick. I wonder if I'm going to feel the way about any artists today in 2016 if I happen to be flipping the dial and the opening from "O.P.P." came on.
LOVE: No cutting of the electricity. Sweet.
LOVE: My brother's profile on myspace. Good to know he's "not a movie nigga". I feel closer to him now more than ever, shit you not.
Ambient music: George Harrison - I've Got My Mind Set On You
HATE: One of the smallest checks I've ever seen in my life. How I am supposed to get a proper swerve on? HOW?
HATE: Delaying paying off Natalie, even though I don't think the next check is going to bring some financial windfall, either.
HATE: The looming possibility of--*gulp*--selling my Game/Snoop tickets. I suppose I could try to get the comeback for Anger Management, but even so.
HATE: The new Lindsay Lohan. No breasts and she got hit with a sudden case of the uglies, too. Damn shame. I haven't seen someone fall off this fast since Shawn Kemp.
HATE: Being jerked around on my Winslow throwback.
LOVE: The new host of E!'s Wild On is TARA REID. You could look it up! That's appointment television right there. I wonder if they'll have to shorten the show to 10 minutes to get in all the usable footage.
HATE: I'm still coughing up phlegm! HOW? Can someone put one of those dentist's things in my mouth and suck out all this what appears to be lining my insides?
HATE: Dave going to the crazy house. I just hope it's nothing major and we eventually get a Season 3.
HATE: I guess the best-season-of-Seinfeld/first-seasons-of-Scrubs/Team America: World Police debate I was having for next Tuesday just died an ugly, violent death.
LOVE: TWO more seasons of Arrested Development! Praise Buster! Now maybe you guys can quit sleeping on the co-funniest show on TV and actually see the damn thing, hmm?
LOVE: The possibility of Eva Longoria dating Keifer Sutherland, because if anybody deserves somebody on Eva's level, it's Jack Fucking Bauer. Yes, his middle name is the F-bomb; once you kick a certain amount of ass in the name of the country they just change it.
LOVE: If they keep taking forever to kill the electricity, maybe I can get some writing done.
Better not chance it...
LATE AFTERNOON ADDITIONS
LOVE: Naughty By Nature doing a medley of their classics on 106th & Park. Can you imagine having them do your prom? Oh, that'd be sick. I wonder if I'm going to feel the way about any artists today in 2016 if I happen to be flipping the dial and the opening from "O.P.P." came on.
LOVE: No cutting of the electricity. Sweet.
LOVE: My brother's profile on myspace. Good to know he's "not a movie nigga". I feel closer to him now more than ever, shit you not.
Ambient music: George Harrison - I've Got My Mind Set On You
5/11/05
Welcome to the Future
Thanks to a 25-second investment, I can now send pictures from Natalie to this blog, maybe even captioned if I so desire.
This was just to ensure it wouldn't take me forever to taunt Dupin about Comic-Con, but the quickness is good. Sadly, if I'd done it last week you could've seen the shot of me with the Wagner mask on drinking from the pimp cup and the 17-year-old's ass. Such is life.
Ambient music: Crash Test Dummies - Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead
This was just to ensure it wouldn't take me forever to taunt Dupin about Comic-Con, but the quickness is good. Sadly, if I'd done it last week you could've seen the shot of me with the Wagner mask on drinking from the pimp cup and the 17-year-old's ass. Such is life.
Ambient music: Crash Test Dummies - Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead
5/8/05
Frustrated Incorporated
And now, a haiku entirely composed of the words fuck and shit.
94, 103, 138 in the lone ray of light, and 114.
What's more painful: losing for money, losing by a pin when all you had to do was make a spare and missing by inches, or losing by a pin when all you had to do was make a spare and missing by inches again? Ancient Chinese riddle for ya.
UGH.
DANCES DONE
---------------------
Churning the Butter
Neon Deion (since I had the throwback on)
Lane Angel (like that guy on the Pats, except in the lane)
Shawn Michaels (fell to my knees and thanked the lord)
the Redd Foxx Memorial Massive Holy Fucking God How Did I Just Lose By A Pin AGAIN Quadruple Bypass
Ambient music: the Wallflowers - 6th Avenue Heartache
94, 103, 138 in the lone ray of light, and 114.
What's more painful: losing for money, losing by a pin when all you had to do was make a spare and missing by inches, or losing by a pin when all you had to do was make a spare and missing by inches again? Ancient Chinese riddle for ya.
UGH.
DANCES DONE
---------------------
Churning the Butter
Neon Deion (since I had the throwback on)
Lane Angel (like that guy on the Pats, except in the lane)
Shawn Michaels (fell to my knees and thanked the lord)
the Redd Foxx Memorial Massive Holy Fucking God How Did I Just Lose By A Pin AGAIN Quadruple Bypass
Ambient music: the Wallflowers - 6th Avenue Heartache
5/6/05
Son Of Broken Resolutions
DO NOT wonder what you're going to do with the little bit of extra time you have when you unexpectedly get off two hours early. It's called Panda Express and the biggest mall in town down the block.
DO NOT show up at a party right after it begins. What are you, in A/V?
DO call friends before you get drunk for a change.
DO rock the lime of the side of your pimp cup.
DO put on your Dr. Wagner tricolor mask and have a sip.
DO take a picture to prove it.
DO NOT keep track of how many people compliment the chalice, eventually you will lose the number.
DO run back across the block to work and check your bag for a few hours so you don't have to worry about it.
DO start dancing out of nowhere, because if you're going to go overboard go overboard.
DO wander into the background of news programs transmitting live. Why? To fuck with people, duh.
DO keep drinking.
DO keep drinking.
DO keep dancing.
DO let them come to you.
DO befriend the local radio stations' street teams.
DO remember to look for yourself on their websites when you sober up.
DO take off the mask when you get too hot, per the orders of Lloyd Banks.
DO NOT keep dancing about when the rain flurry happens; you're already the Mayor of the joint. You have Nothing Left To Prove.
DO remember to get your shit back from work.
DO NOT chalk up someone eventually copping the Wagner mask as an act of fate; by all reasonable accounts you should be able to hunt them down and rip off the arm in order to beat them with it.
DO NOT take pictures of hot brunettes shaking their asses.
DO take video.
DO make sure you close out the joint.
DO make sure the party continues.
DO NOT hit a wall and snap the top row of beads on the pimp cup.
DO NOT start dancing like a retard when they play 80's music.
DO be shocked when an attractive female begins to emulate you.
DO drink more.
DO invite her to dance when you both take a break.
DO get her name.
DO NOT Vogue to "Material Girl". It just makes you look incompetent and foolish.
DO get a name, because those things help. A true gentlemen doesn't just grind willy-nilly.
DO NOT follow the fact she's seen you before with "If you're stalking me, just let me know now." Not funny enough.
DO blame the eight-pack you've guzzled for not being funny enough.
DO promise to hook up at a club next week, 'cause that's how you roll.
DO NOT read the new FHM & King of the World drunk off your ass. You will retain nothing.
DO NOT stagger down the street alone at 2 in the morning. As bad as it sounds.
DO NOT shoot your right arm out in an attempt to correct the sidewalk. The sidewalk isn't moving eratticly; you are. You've HAD 8.75 Coronas. That wobble IS YOU.
DO NOT attempt to be drunk and blog at the same time, your head keeps rolling back and it takes you longer to do it because your journalism major need to make everything look right takes a lot longer when you misspell words like "guzzled" and "the".
DO be pissed you forgot to tape SmackDown.
DO wonder if Hate It or Love It Friday is really necessary after a post like this.
DO bring this thing to a merciful end and go pass out in your bed already.
Ambient music: my second favorite song of last year, G-Unit feat. Joe - Wanna Get To Know You
DO NOT show up at a party right after it begins. What are you, in A/V?
DO call friends before you get drunk for a change.
DO rock the lime of the side of your pimp cup.
DO put on your Dr. Wagner tricolor mask and have a sip.
DO take a picture to prove it.
DO NOT keep track of how many people compliment the chalice, eventually you will lose the number.
DO run back across the block to work and check your bag for a few hours so you don't have to worry about it.
DO start dancing out of nowhere, because if you're going to go overboard go overboard.
DO wander into the background of news programs transmitting live. Why? To fuck with people, duh.
DO keep drinking.
DO keep drinking.
DO keep dancing.
DO let them come to you.
DO befriend the local radio stations' street teams.
DO remember to look for yourself on their websites when you sober up.
DO take off the mask when you get too hot, per the orders of Lloyd Banks.
DO NOT keep dancing about when the rain flurry happens; you're already the Mayor of the joint. You have Nothing Left To Prove.
DO remember to get your shit back from work.
DO NOT chalk up someone eventually copping the Wagner mask as an act of fate; by all reasonable accounts you should be able to hunt them down and rip off the arm in order to beat them with it.
DO NOT take pictures of hot brunettes shaking their asses.
DO take video.
DO make sure you close out the joint.
DO make sure the party continues.
DO NOT hit a wall and snap the top row of beads on the pimp cup.
DO NOT start dancing like a retard when they play 80's music.
DO be shocked when an attractive female begins to emulate you.
DO drink more.
DO invite her to dance when you both take a break.
DO get her name.
DO NOT Vogue to "Material Girl". It just makes you look incompetent and foolish.
DO get a name, because those things help. A true gentlemen doesn't just grind willy-nilly.
DO NOT follow the fact she's seen you before with "If you're stalking me, just let me know now." Not funny enough.
DO blame the eight-pack you've guzzled for not being funny enough.
DO promise to hook up at a club next week, 'cause that's how you roll.
DO NOT read the new FHM & King of the World drunk off your ass. You will retain nothing.
DO NOT stagger down the street alone at 2 in the morning. As bad as it sounds.
DO NOT shoot your right arm out in an attempt to correct the sidewalk. The sidewalk isn't moving eratticly; you are. You've HAD 8.75 Coronas. That wobble IS YOU.
DO NOT attempt to be drunk and blog at the same time, your head keeps rolling back and it takes you longer to do it because your journalism major need to make everything look right takes a lot longer when you misspell words like "guzzled" and "the".
DO be pissed you forgot to tape SmackDown.
DO wonder if Hate It or Love It Friday is really necessary after a post like this.
DO bring this thing to a merciful end and go pass out in your bed already.
Ambient music: my second favorite song of last year, G-Unit feat. Joe - Wanna Get To Know You
5/3/05
The New Phenomenon and The Same Old Lines From Devil's Advocate
I'm going to save my energy now, because I feel I will be drifting off into Lewis Black territory as I discuss the fallout of today's incident.
I get on one of my chariots of the people, and as I am flipping through the radio dial I hear "One of my friends said it's $10,000 and another said that was a typo, it's $100,000. But there's no way he'd get a fine that big, right?"
Obviously, the topic of discussion is the massive fine Don Sterno has leveled against Van Gundy, and being a man who watched PTI on his break today help the discussion. "No, it's one hundred...thousand."
I'm sure that raised some eyebrows, as those who know me in the real world tend to know my words come in flows much like tsunamis or, say, Niagra Falls. The pause came because as I looked up to see who I should aim the comment at, it turned out there was a hot brunette. And a hot blonde, who originally asked the question. Yes, I was astute enough to know the voices were female. No, I had no idea they were hot until I looked up from the radio dial (or the button, at least--it's been giving me trouble recently). So the blonde starts getting about as irate as you can get in a conversation in a public place. She's from Houston, go figure. So we're having this state-of-the-Mavs-Rockets address going on and as we round a corner holy god. HOLY GOD. She has a rumpatumpalous. Except to say that would be like saying that Michael Jordan fellow played forward some. Three scoops of booty flakes. And she's wearing jeans, which helps. But even so. Somebody call Uncle L. Kim (her name, right) has a big ol' butt. And I'm leaving...somebody.
I mean, she looks a little young, but this is definitely worth a shot. I have, in a massive coincidence which in Hollywood would swing the thing in my favor, purchased a ticket to the big Cinco de Mayo block party I'm hitting up Thursday. I figure, I'm not going with anybody and it's worth a shot.
And right before I ask, the guardian angel on my shoulder who I assume died in the fiery soul crash of 1997 speaks up and says, "Hey. Hey. Maybe we should make sure they're 21 instead of 20."
So I ask.
Would you like to know what the answer is, dear reader? Of course.
"Next week I'm turning 18."
Remember There's Something About Mary? Remember when Stiller got his junk caught in his zipper? Remember the face you made? Remember when they showed the junk caught upside down in his zipper? Remember the face you made that time?
It's like I make that second face except a billion times worse.
And then, as if things weren't bad enough, she gives me this shit-eating grin that would be so hot if I hadn't just commited a felony act with my mind and says "Why? How old are you?"
It is only through some untapped reservoir of personal grace I shake the cobwebs free and go "22."
You shut your face, you shut it now. Now now now now NOW.
Look, I realize I'm still a young man. I realize I'm only 26, or 30 in white years. I realize the following words shouldn't come out of my mouth or onto my site except in times of extreme sarcasm.
But damn it all to blood-gutted pus-spewing hell, back when I was young, things were different. Evil was evil. Good was good. You knew where you stood growing up. Music was music, made by ugly people who actually played their own instruments. And there damn sure weren't white girls with big asses who got together with their hot friends to talk about the basketball playoffs!!!! Let alone being 17, goddamnit! In order to create that series of events in my youth I would've had to have been on some serious Weird Science/Jurassic Park shit to get it to go right. And even then something would've fallen apart since I didn't have a computer; she would've only ran on Linux or something.
In the end, I can only shake my head and cry over the lost future full of little mochas we could've had together.
Things have gone too fucking far now. As President, I demand all hot underage pieces of ass have some sort of easily identifiable signifier to say they are underage, like a red barcode on the back of their hand or something. And when they turn 18 but before they're 21, it turns to yellow. It can work like a traffic light. Ever since Britney, this place has gone down the fucking toilet, and now I'm choking on this shit.
And right before I passed out, I thought to myself...
Sadist.
Absentee landlord.
Ambient music: A Tribe Called Quest - Electric Relaxation
I get on one of my chariots of the people, and as I am flipping through the radio dial I hear "One of my friends said it's $10,000 and another said that was a typo, it's $100,000. But there's no way he'd get a fine that big, right?"
Obviously, the topic of discussion is the massive fine Don Sterno has leveled against Van Gundy, and being a man who watched PTI on his break today help the discussion. "No, it's one hundred...thousand."
I'm sure that raised some eyebrows, as those who know me in the real world tend to know my words come in flows much like tsunamis or, say, Niagra Falls. The pause came because as I looked up to see who I should aim the comment at, it turned out there was a hot brunette. And a hot blonde, who originally asked the question. Yes, I was astute enough to know the voices were female. No, I had no idea they were hot until I looked up from the radio dial (or the button, at least--it's been giving me trouble recently). So the blonde starts getting about as irate as you can get in a conversation in a public place. She's from Houston, go figure. So we're having this state-of-the-Mavs-Rockets address going on and as we round a corner holy god. HOLY GOD. She has a rumpatumpalous. Except to say that would be like saying that Michael Jordan fellow played forward some. Three scoops of booty flakes. And she's wearing jeans, which helps. But even so. Somebody call Uncle L. Kim (her name, right) has a big ol' butt. And I'm leaving...somebody.
I mean, she looks a little young, but this is definitely worth a shot. I have, in a massive coincidence which in Hollywood would swing the thing in my favor, purchased a ticket to the big Cinco de Mayo block party I'm hitting up Thursday. I figure, I'm not going with anybody and it's worth a shot.
And right before I ask, the guardian angel on my shoulder who I assume died in the fiery soul crash of 1997 speaks up and says, "Hey. Hey. Maybe we should make sure they're 21 instead of 20."
So I ask.
Would you like to know what the answer is, dear reader? Of course.
"Next week I'm turning 18."
Remember There's Something About Mary? Remember when Stiller got his junk caught in his zipper? Remember the face you made? Remember when they showed the junk caught upside down in his zipper? Remember the face you made that time?
It's like I make that second face except a billion times worse.
And then, as if things weren't bad enough, she gives me this shit-eating grin that would be so hot if I hadn't just commited a felony act with my mind and says "Why? How old are you?"
It is only through some untapped reservoir of personal grace I shake the cobwebs free and go "22."
You shut your face, you shut it now. Now now now now NOW.
Look, I realize I'm still a young man. I realize I'm only 26, or 30 in white years. I realize the following words shouldn't come out of my mouth or onto my site except in times of extreme sarcasm.
But damn it all to blood-gutted pus-spewing hell, back when I was young, things were different. Evil was evil. Good was good. You knew where you stood growing up. Music was music, made by ugly people who actually played their own instruments. And there damn sure weren't white girls with big asses who got together with their hot friends to talk about the basketball playoffs!!!! Let alone being 17, goddamnit! In order to create that series of events in my youth I would've had to have been on some serious Weird Science/Jurassic Park shit to get it to go right. And even then something would've fallen apart since I didn't have a computer; she would've only ran on Linux or something.
In the end, I can only shake my head and cry over the lost future full of little mochas we could've had together.
Things have gone too fucking far now. As President, I demand all hot underage pieces of ass have some sort of easily identifiable signifier to say they are underage, like a red barcode on the back of their hand or something. And when they turn 18 but before they're 21, it turns to yellow. It can work like a traffic light. Ever since Britney, this place has gone down the fucking toilet, and now I'm choking on this shit.
And right before I passed out, I thought to myself...
Sadist.
Absentee landlord.
Ambient music: A Tribe Called Quest - Electric Relaxation
5/1/05
the Definition of a Pimp
That's right. I'm famous. Bow down...
...to the hip, new slang.
Ambient music: Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy
...to the hip, new slang.
Ambient music: Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy
Stru-guh-LING
I feel like I haven't slept. It was only five hours. I blame the drugs.
Took my worst smacking in poker yet last night, down $18. And I believe I was almost up $10 at one point early, and then I quit getting cards for the most part. I don't know exactly if this was a loss to learn anything from, other than you need good cards to play. Well, except the time I won with a 3-4 offsuit (big blinded, so why the hell not).
So hooray for building character or whatever the fuck. Now let's get back to profiting from these little excursions, hmm?
Ambient music: Korn - Make Me Bad
Took my worst smacking in poker yet last night, down $18. And I believe I was almost up $10 at one point early, and then I quit getting cards for the most part. I don't know exactly if this was a loss to learn anything from, other than you need good cards to play. Well, except the time I won with a 3-4 offsuit (big blinded, so why the hell not).
So hooray for building character or whatever the fuck. Now let's get back to profiting from these little excursions, hmm?
Ambient music: Korn - Make Me Bad
4/30/05
Rosser Hot Fifteen
YOU'RE WONDERING NOW:
"Work" (13)
15) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (10)
14) Beck, "E-Pro" (14)*
13) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (9)
12) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (11)
11) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (12)*
10) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (15)*
09) Audioslave, "Be Yourself" (debut)
08) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (7)
07) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (8)*
06) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (4)
05) The Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (6)
04) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (2)
03) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (3)
02) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake, "Signs" (5)*
01) Amerie, "1 Thing" (1) [1m]
Ambient music: the Cars - You Might Think
"Work" (13)
15) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (10)
14) Beck, "E-Pro" (14)*
13) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (9)
12) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (11)
11) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (12)*
10) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (15)*
09) Audioslave, "Be Yourself" (debut)
08) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (7)
07) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (8)*
06) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (4)
05) The Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (6)
04) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (2)
03) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (3)
02) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake, "Signs" (5)*
01) Amerie, "1 Thing" (1) [1m]
Ambient music: the Cars - You Might Think
4/29/05
See Friday Love. See Friday Hate. Live, Friday, Live.
LOVE: To quote the Hall of Fame O'Jays, "It's Friday! Thank God it's Friday, and I just got paid..."
HATE: Going back to work. Not going for a week you just mentally fall in a pattern where you don't want to go anymore because you haven't for so long and the little acoutrements of vegetating and letting yourself go to seed are far, far too much fun.
LOVE: Going back to work, because money is a major issue if I'm to go to Miami and do it right. Heh heh heh. I'm witty.
LOVE: Busting Aaron yet again. And he had trip Kings, which is what really makes it sad. Sadly for him, the trip Kings were shared on the board, and I had pocket sixes. Olsen Twins, bitch!
LOVE: Fumari. I love the hookah. I love the hot chocolate. I love Liz. And I'm starting to fall in love with Mandy. It's a nice little cozy nook.
LOVE: Running into hot girls and actually remembering where from. That was starting to grate on me last night. Jen from Spanish class. Still hot, too. We might party together, or be nerds at Borders. She seemed really interested in the novel too. If only she wasn't probably taken, but you know how that works.
LOVE: Taking Natalie hopefully to see Brenda & Glenda tonight. I feel like Red crossing the border into Mexico.
HATE: In my gloating of last night, I left Natalie in the backseat of Aaron's ride. I think he's bringing her over pretty soon, so it ain't nuthin', really.
LOVE: Saturday night I'm fittin' to tear the club up for the first time in what seems like ages but has probably been closer to three weeks.
LOVE: The big-ass Cinco de Mayo party in the Gaslamp. And I get off at 5:30, and it's across the street. I practically HAVE to go, right? It's one thing if it was some faraway trip but it's across the street, and I go all the time anyway. I practically owe it to the Gaslamp to go and get my hustle on.
LOVE: The idea of wearing my Dr. Wagner mask to work on the Cinco and just play it off as if nothing's out of the ordinary.
LOVE: I can get an adapter for <$20 and hook up this DVD player to my old school TV, finally almost making the outside world obsolete.
LOVE: I've suddenly realized I need a minifridge, if I really want to hole up like a pro.
LOVE/HATE: Everytime the Winamp plays "Lose My Breath" I end up inevitably dancing in my seat, which is quite goofy. But I own my goofy, so it's all right.
HATE: I'm still snerking and coughing out little chunks of phlegm every so often. I'm not sick anymore, but it's still happening just enough to be an annoying pain in the ass.
LOVE: I've invented a slang term. breath mint, a noun or adj, used to describe someone or something that is cool or fresh. And it should be up on urbandictionary.com any moment now. My legacy continues to spread.
Ambient music: favorite 01 song, Incubus - Wish You Were Here
HATE: Going back to work. Not going for a week you just mentally fall in a pattern where you don't want to go anymore because you haven't for so long and the little acoutrements of vegetating and letting yourself go to seed are far, far too much fun.
LOVE: Going back to work, because money is a major issue if I'm to go to Miami and do it right. Heh heh heh. I'm witty.
LOVE: Busting Aaron yet again. And he had trip Kings, which is what really makes it sad. Sadly for him, the trip Kings were shared on the board, and I had pocket sixes. Olsen Twins, bitch!
LOVE: Fumari. I love the hookah. I love the hot chocolate. I love Liz. And I'm starting to fall in love with Mandy. It's a nice little cozy nook.
LOVE: Running into hot girls and actually remembering where from. That was starting to grate on me last night. Jen from Spanish class. Still hot, too. We might party together, or be nerds at Borders. She seemed really interested in the novel too. If only she wasn't probably taken, but you know how that works.
LOVE: Taking Natalie hopefully to see Brenda & Glenda tonight. I feel like Red crossing the border into Mexico.
HATE: In my gloating of last night, I left Natalie in the backseat of Aaron's ride. I think he's bringing her over pretty soon, so it ain't nuthin', really.
LOVE: Saturday night I'm fittin' to tear the club up for the first time in what seems like ages but has probably been closer to three weeks.
LOVE: The big-ass Cinco de Mayo party in the Gaslamp. And I get off at 5:30, and it's across the street. I practically HAVE to go, right? It's one thing if it was some faraway trip but it's across the street, and I go all the time anyway. I practically owe it to the Gaslamp to go and get my hustle on.
LOVE: The idea of wearing my Dr. Wagner mask to work on the Cinco and just play it off as if nothing's out of the ordinary.
LOVE: I can get an adapter for <$20 and hook up this DVD player to my old school TV, finally almost making the outside world obsolete.
LOVE: I've suddenly realized I need a minifridge, if I really want to hole up like a pro.
LOVE/HATE: Everytime the Winamp plays "Lose My Breath" I end up inevitably dancing in my seat, which is quite goofy. But I own my goofy, so it's all right.
HATE: I'm still snerking and coughing out little chunks of phlegm every so often. I'm not sick anymore, but it's still happening just enough to be an annoying pain in the ass.
LOVE: I've invented a slang term. breath mint, a noun or adj, used to describe someone or something that is cool or fresh. And it should be up on urbandictionary.com any moment now. My legacy continues to spread.
Ambient music: favorite 01 song, Incubus - Wish You Were Here
4/27/05
Stretching It Out To The Breaking Point
Astute and frequent visitors of the Site of Sites will note my babe list has stretched out to 40 (that's right, a 60% increase of tuna for you) and you can see it whenever you want on the side of the page just after the links, right before the recent posts, next to the mayonaisse, behind the milk, to the left of the leftover pizza but in front of the baking soda.
There's no big changes in the top 10, though, as Jessica is pretty much going to be #1 all year. But it's still fun.
We return you to your caricature of a life, already in progress...
Wait, just to cover my bases:
debut, comeback, debut, 22, debut, debut, debut, 24, debut, comeback
debut, comeback, debut, comeback, 21, 15, 23, debut, 25, 18
17, debut, 13, 14, 11, 16, comeback, 20, 19, 12
7, 10, 8, 6,9, 3, 5, 4, 2, 1
Ambient music: David Bowie - Heroes
There's no big changes in the top 10, though, as Jessica is pretty much going to be #1 all year. But it's still fun.
We return you to your caricature of a life, already in progress...
Wait, just to cover my bases:
debut, comeback, debut, 22, debut, debut, debut, 24, debut, comeback
debut, comeback, debut, comeback, 21, 15, 23, debut, 25, 18
17, debut, 13, 14, 11, 16, comeback, 20, 19, 12
7, 10, 8, 6,9, 3, 5, 4, 2, 1
Ambient music: David Bowie - Heroes
4/25/05
The Death of a Dresser
Back up in yo ass with the ressurection
Is the group harder than an erection that shows no affection
They wanna ban us on Capital Hill
'Cause its die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas, KILL!
All along it was the ghetto, nuthin' but the ghetto,
Takin' short steps, one foot at a time and kept my head low
I'll never let go, cause if I let go,
Then I'd be spineless I'M GOIN' INSAAAAAAANE
I think my mind just,
Goes out of control and judge on subjects muthafuckas read about
I touch on the shit they believe without
I've seen this muthafucka's non-spoken
I've seen the same nigga with a nine, die with his eyes open
And simply what this means is
He didn't know every dog had his day, until he seen his
I bet you muthafuckas will too,
'Cause its die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas, kill foo
Aw, fuck, chumps on a killin' spree again, with guillotines for men/I walk around town with a frown on my face/fuck the whole world, fittin' to catch a murder case...
Ambient music: --Geto Boyz, "Die Mother Fucker"
Is the group harder than an erection that shows no affection
They wanna ban us on Capital Hill
'Cause its die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas, KILL!
All along it was the ghetto, nuthin' but the ghetto,
Takin' short steps, one foot at a time and kept my head low
I'll never let go, cause if I let go,
Then I'd be spineless I'M GOIN' INSAAAAAAANE
I think my mind just,
Goes out of control and judge on subjects muthafuckas read about
I touch on the shit they believe without
I've seen this muthafucka's non-spoken
I've seen the same nigga with a nine, die with his eyes open
And simply what this means is
He didn't know every dog had his day, until he seen his
I bet you muthafuckas will too,
'Cause its die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas, kill foo
Aw, fuck, chumps on a killin' spree again, with guillotines for men/I walk around town with a frown on my face/fuck the whole world, fittin' to catch a murder case...
Ambient music: --Geto Boyz, "Die Mother Fucker"
4/24/05
My Tax Refund and Entertainment Dollars At Work
It was all going so well. There but for the grace of a hand. I came out seven bucks behind in the home game tonight/earlier today but I should've been ahead about 5 or so. I put in a 10 spot on Qs & Ks, which is pretty smart for two pair.
Stupid Bruce flopped the nuts, an Ace-high straight.
There but for that one hand.
On the other hand, I busted Aaron twice. So that's fun. Not for him obviously, but he feeds me, I feed Bruce (apparently), and the food chain continues unabated. How dare Aaron have the gall to call my K-5 offsuit with Siegfried & Roy (pocket queens). You'd think after the last two times, he'd learn something.
It's nice, this not being sick and having money.
Ambient music: Human League - Don't You Want Me
Stupid Bruce flopped the nuts, an Ace-high straight.
There but for that one hand.
On the other hand, I busted Aaron twice. So that's fun. Not for him obviously, but he feeds me, I feed Bruce (apparently), and the food chain continues unabated. How dare Aaron have the gall to call my K-5 offsuit with Siegfried & Roy (pocket queens). You'd think after the last two times, he'd learn something.
It's nice, this not being sick and having money.
Ambient music: Human League - Don't You Want Me
4/22/05
HATE! LOVE! FRIDAY!
HATE: THIS FUCKING COLD. I don't know what's going on when three straight nights of NyQuil fail to knock a cold the hell out the box but it's happened now. I think the cold my stupid brother had last week mixed with one of the people's colds that were going around work this past week and they banded together to make some particularly annoying strain of hypercold that is just a big-time pain in the fucking ass.
HATE: I'm stuck in the house. I finally get a week off, and now I'm stuck in the house trying to beat this thing down for at least the forseeable future.
HATE: Having no money. I've come to the realization I need money. Money can be used in exchange for goods and services, as Homer J. put it so eloquently.
HATE: If I had money, I couldn't leave the house anyway because of the fucking cold. If I didn't have the fucking cold, I still wouldn't have any fucking money. So here I sit.
HATE: Missing out on Poker Night.
HATE: Reeling off a fat string of Hates for the topic, but being broke and sick is about as craptacular as it gets. Let's see if I can't right the ship a bit.
LOVE: Actually being off this weekend and sick (though hopefully the latter will go away) will enable me to stay holed up in my room and watch the NBA playoffs.
LOVE: The NBA playoffs. I'm really interested to see San Antonio/Denver as the Nuggets have been Lloyd Banks since getting Karl on board and Duncan's injury might be more serious than the Antonians are letting on. Plus, the idea of someone losing who got next to Eva Longoria is always good. Even the East is up-and-down intriguing this year between the Pistons trying to repeat, the Heat trying to Shaq-Fu them over, the sudden resurgence of the Bulls and Wizards and even the Pacers trying to sneak in there. Good times.
LOVE: Charles Barkley on commentary, because the man simply refuses to give a rat's ass whether the camera is on or not. You always know at some point during a show he's going to say something that's going to make Ernie cringe that nobody else would have the balls to say.
HATE: The prospect of thunderstorms this weekend. That shit is scary; the only way I like "Thunderstruck" is by AC/DC.
LOVE: My peoples, holding me down. Gotten some calls in the past week I wasn't expecting, and it's always nice to hear from people. Plus, I got a really nice e-mail from my friend Diane, who I haven't seen since roughly 1836. I'm kidding. 1837.
LOVE: Got my WrestleMania recap done with the time I had holed up in the place. At least outside of the occassional headache I'm able to sit down and bang it out on the keys sometimes.
LOVE: AMC for having the cojones to put on Lake Placid after Silence of the Lambs.
LOVE: Next Friday I will be healthy and have money.
LOVE: I hope to refurbish Danny's bowling kindness by taking him out to the Strip Club next weekend at some point. Hopefully I won't be up to the gills in work, though...
Ambient music: Garbage - #1 Crush
HATE: I'm stuck in the house. I finally get a week off, and now I'm stuck in the house trying to beat this thing down for at least the forseeable future.
HATE: Having no money. I've come to the realization I need money. Money can be used in exchange for goods and services, as Homer J. put it so eloquently.
HATE: If I had money, I couldn't leave the house anyway because of the fucking cold. If I didn't have the fucking cold, I still wouldn't have any fucking money. So here I sit.
HATE: Missing out on Poker Night.
HATE: Reeling off a fat string of Hates for the topic, but being broke and sick is about as craptacular as it gets. Let's see if I can't right the ship a bit.
LOVE: Actually being off this weekend and sick (though hopefully the latter will go away) will enable me to stay holed up in my room and watch the NBA playoffs.
LOVE: The NBA playoffs. I'm really interested to see San Antonio/Denver as the Nuggets have been Lloyd Banks since getting Karl on board and Duncan's injury might be more serious than the Antonians are letting on. Plus, the idea of someone losing who got next to Eva Longoria is always good. Even the East is up-and-down intriguing this year between the Pistons trying to repeat, the Heat trying to Shaq-Fu them over, the sudden resurgence of the Bulls and Wizards and even the Pacers trying to sneak in there. Good times.
LOVE: Charles Barkley on commentary, because the man simply refuses to give a rat's ass whether the camera is on or not. You always know at some point during a show he's going to say something that's going to make Ernie cringe that nobody else would have the balls to say.
HATE: The prospect of thunderstorms this weekend. That shit is scary; the only way I like "Thunderstruck" is by AC/DC.
LOVE: My peoples, holding me down. Gotten some calls in the past week I wasn't expecting, and it's always nice to hear from people. Plus, I got a really nice e-mail from my friend Diane, who I haven't seen since roughly 1836. I'm kidding. 1837.
LOVE: Got my WrestleMania recap done with the time I had holed up in the place. At least outside of the occassional headache I'm able to sit down and bang it out on the keys sometimes.
LOVE: AMC for having the cojones to put on Lake Placid after Silence of the Lambs.
LOVE: Next Friday I will be healthy and have money.
LOVE: I hope to refurbish Danny's bowling kindness by taking him out to the Strip Club next weekend at some point. Hopefully I won't be up to the gills in work, though...
Ambient music: Garbage - #1 Crush
4/21/05
Rosser Goes Hollywood
A few words about WrestleMania.
Yup.
Be there, aloha...
Ambient music: Method Man & Redman - Da Rockwilder
Yup.
Be there, aloha...
Ambient music: Method Man & Redman - Da Rockwilder
4/17/05
Little High, Little Low
For the first time since I debuted the Sinister Fling last year, I had a game fall apart like Black Thought was on the mic.
Danny whomped my ass sixteen ways from Sunday: 155-74.
No, you read that right. 74. I lost by more than I put up. It was literally the worst I'd bowled since I hit puberty in the late Mesozoic.
You'd think the following comeback wins in which I posted 103 and 134 would make me feel better, but not really. I mean, 74! That's just galling. Never again.
ADDENDUM: Did, in fact, do the Churning the Butter dance on three or four occassions. I tend to individualize mine with a final slashing fist pump.
Ambient music: Apocalyptica - Enter Sandman
Danny whomped my ass sixteen ways from Sunday: 155-74.
No, you read that right. 74. I lost by more than I put up. It was literally the worst I'd bowled since I hit puberty in the late Mesozoic.
You'd think the following comeback wins in which I posted 103 and 134 would make me feel better, but not really. I mean, 74! That's just galling. Never again.
ADDENDUM: Did, in fact, do the Churning the Butter dance on three or four occassions. I tend to individualize mine with a final slashing fist pump.
Ambient music: Apocalyptica - Enter Sandman
4/16/05
Rosser Hot Fifteen
AWAY:
"Lovers And Friends" (4), "Bring Em Out" (7), "Toma" (15)
15) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (re-entry)
14) Beck, "E-Pro" (debut)
13) Jimmy Eat World, "Work" (12)
12) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (debut)
11) Common feat. Kanye West & the Lost Poets, "The Corner" (14)*
10) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (8)
09) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (11)*
08) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (13)*
07) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (10)*
06) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (3)
05) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake & Charlie Wilson, "Signs" (9)*
04) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (2)
03) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (1)
02) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (6)*
01) Amerie, "1 Thing" (5) [2w]
Ambient music: Ohio Players - Love Rollercoaster
"Lovers And Friends" (4), "Bring Em Out" (7), "Toma" (15)
15) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (re-entry)
14) Beck, "E-Pro" (debut)
13) Jimmy Eat World, "Work" (12)
12) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (debut)
11) Common feat. Kanye West & the Lost Poets, "The Corner" (14)*
10) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (8)
09) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (11)*
08) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (13)*
07) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (10)*
06) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (3)
05) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake & Charlie Wilson, "Signs" (9)*
04) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (2)
03) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (1)
02) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (6)*
01) Amerie, "1 Thing" (5) [2w]
Ambient music: Ohio Players - Love Rollercoaster
4/15/05
Hate It Or Love It Friday
LOVE: My brand new night stand, $170 down from $500. Why? TWO SCRATCHES. Even after I pointed out to the saleswoman I was a) male b) single c) in my 20s and d) black, it was still $170. I throw my shit when I get home on top of it anyway, so I'm not even going to see the scratches. And it ain't like I'm running MoMA so I'm not "(shuddering gasp) Unclean! Unclean!" SUCKERS.
LOVE: Not having to hear another word about my beatdown sloppier than Paris dresser...
LOVE: Because Aaron & I Office Spaced that bitch into the grave right after moving the night stand in with a ball bat.
LOVE: I had the foresight to have pictures of the occassion taken, including my swing that was so hard the dresser hung off the end of the bat.
HATE: I won't be able to see the photo assisstant's face as they develop these pictures.
HATE: Paying off for Natalie. THE CELL PHONE, you dirty, dirty bastards.
HATE: Between the night stand, Natalie, rent, & paying off my taxes, I will be living hand-to-mouth for the next fortnight. No parties, no poker, no bowling, no sex, no drugs, no wine, no women. I believe this will quadruple the amount of you-know-what when it's dark.
LOVE: One-hit wonders. :)
HATE: My brother on this computer. I always have to reset it when he's done, and put my playlist back in Winamp, and make sure he didn't download any more computer-coupon walking file viruses, and whatnot. And he shoves the keyboard in, which for some reason aggravates me the most.
LOVE: Sin City with friends. I feel like such a pusher.
LOVE: Orange Kool-Aid. "Ain't nuthin' wrong with THAT!"
HATE: Actually being home on Friday nights--talk about a wasteland for television. Yeesh!
Ambient music: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
LOVE: Not having to hear another word about my beatdown sloppier than Paris dresser...
LOVE: Because Aaron & I Office Spaced that bitch into the grave right after moving the night stand in with a ball bat.
LOVE: I had the foresight to have pictures of the occassion taken, including my swing that was so hard the dresser hung off the end of the bat.
HATE: I won't be able to see the photo assisstant's face as they develop these pictures.
HATE: Paying off for Natalie. THE CELL PHONE, you dirty, dirty bastards.
HATE: Between the night stand, Natalie, rent, & paying off my taxes, I will be living hand-to-mouth for the next fortnight. No parties, no poker, no bowling, no sex, no drugs, no wine, no women. I believe this will quadruple the amount of you-know-what when it's dark.
LOVE: One-hit wonders. :)
HATE: My brother on this computer. I always have to reset it when he's done, and put my playlist back in Winamp, and make sure he didn't download any more computer-coupon walking file viruses, and whatnot. And he shoves the keyboard in, which for some reason aggravates me the most.
LOVE: Sin City with friends. I feel like such a pusher.
LOVE: Orange Kool-Aid. "Ain't nuthin' wrong with THAT!"
HATE: Actually being home on Friday nights--talk about a wasteland for television. Yeesh!
Ambient music: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
4/14/05
7 Other Reasons To Love Sin City
- Carla Gugino's ass is really nice.
- Mickey Roarke : this movie :: David Carradine : Kill Bill
- "As useful as a palsy victim doing brain surgery with a pipe wrench". I may feel the need to say that a few hundred times in the next few months.
- "That's a damn fine coat you're wearing."
- The one victim of Miho's who gets dialogue after being victimized, leading to IMSNHO the funniest dialogue in the movie.
- I hope right before I die I'm coherent enough to have MY last words be "Is that all you got, you bastards?" Hell, that'd make a fine epitaph, methinks.
- Jessica Alba--but in a white t-shirt and jeans. HA!
Ambient music: Live - White, Discussion
4/12/05
The Following Events Took Place Between 1:00 and 2:00 P.M.
After stretching out the procrastination like turkey meat I finally went off to file for '05. I was done in like 20 minutes. Another benefit of being single and keeping the mouse in the house. Appropriately enough, I am in the black, and even after paying them off I'm still coming out $80 in the lead.
So I celebrate with a couple on sale pints of Baskin-Robbins chocolate chip, "It Was A Good Day" blaring in my ears. I think I've got another cheap excuse to resee Sin City, heh heh heh.
Seed money for Miami! Daddy's coming, girl!
Ambient music: Counting Crows - American Girls
So I celebrate with a couple on sale pints of Baskin-Robbins chocolate chip, "It Was A Good Day" blaring in my ears. I think I've got another cheap excuse to resee Sin City, heh heh heh.
Seed money for Miami! Daddy's coming, girl!
Ambient music: Counting Crows - American Girls
4/2/05
Rosser Hot Fifteen
LAST GOODBYE:
"Let Me Love You" (6), "Just A Moment" (11), "Let's Get Blown" (12), "Obsession" (13), "Wait" (14), "Hold You Down" (15)
15) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (9)
14) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (debut)
13) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (debut)
12) Jimmy Eat World, "Work" (8)
11) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (debut)
10) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (debut)
09) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake & Charlie Wilson, "Signs" (debut)
08) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (10)*
07) T.I., "Bring 'Em Out" (7)
06) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (5)
05) Amerie, "1 Thing" (debut)
04) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers And Friends" (3)
03) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (1)
02) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (4)*
01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (2) [2nd time, 1m]
Ambient music: Korn - Somebody Someone
"Let Me Love You" (6), "Just A Moment" (11), "Let's Get Blown" (12), "Obsession" (13), "Wait" (14), "Hold You Down" (15)
15) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (9)
14) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (debut)
13) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (debut)
12) Jimmy Eat World, "Work" (8)
11) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (debut)
10) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (debut)
09) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake & Charlie Wilson, "Signs" (debut)
08) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (10)*
07) T.I., "Bring 'Em Out" (7)
06) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (5)
05) Amerie, "1 Thing" (debut)
04) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers And Friends" (3)
03) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (1)
02) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (4)*
01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (2) [2nd time, 1m]
Ambient music: Korn - Somebody Someone
4/1/05
The (Almost) Deadly Sin
All right, the cinematography is some of the best I've ever seen in my life. Yes, the stories and twists are extremely well done. Yes, there's a little dark humor in it which in my SRO-viewing went over gangbusters.
Anybody reading this blog wants my reaction to The Scene.
Yes, it was so fantastiawesome not only did I just invent a word back there, I captialized unneccessarily (to some).
There were a couple earlier teases which made me just want it more. And then it was the big scene. I gasped and put my hands over the armrests I'd pulled down for this specific moment. A lot of people looked at me, including the little girl next to me. Hey, what the fuck parent is letting a little kid go see Sin City ANYfuckingWAY? How dare her eight-year-old ass judge me. I know she's prepubescent, but she don't know.
It was in slow-mo. Why did no one tell me it was in slo-mo!?!?!?
And then, all of a sudden, everything changes. My heart starts picking up speed. It's gone from quiet to awake. Awake quickly becomes racing. Racing becomes Audobahn. I'm not blinking. I thought I had to blink. I'm not. My heart is going three times its normal rate. I can't even hear the Bruce Willis voiceover, all I hear is the beating of my heart in my ears for the first time ever big as life boomboomboomboomboomboom and then I start shaking from the internal force and before I die from a coronary the best twelve seconds ever commited to film is over.
And a minute later it's like nothing happened.
I have never felt a rush like that in my life.
I almost died.
It was awesome. So very awesome. In Network, Howard Beale sees the face of God and it tells him what to do. Everybody else thinks he's crazy.
I am now Howard Beale.
I regret nothing.
Ambient music: Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child (Slight Return)
Anybody reading this blog wants my reaction to The Scene.
Yes, it was so fantastiawesome not only did I just invent a word back there, I captialized unneccessarily (to some).
There were a couple earlier teases which made me just want it more. And then it was the big scene. I gasped and put my hands over the armrests I'd pulled down for this specific moment. A lot of people looked at me, including the little girl next to me. Hey, what the fuck parent is letting a little kid go see Sin City ANYfuckingWAY? How dare her eight-year-old ass judge me. I know she's prepubescent, but she don't know.
It was in slow-mo. Why did no one tell me it was in slo-mo!?!?!?
And then, all of a sudden, everything changes. My heart starts picking up speed. It's gone from quiet to awake. Awake quickly becomes racing. Racing becomes Audobahn. I'm not blinking. I thought I had to blink. I'm not. My heart is going three times its normal rate. I can't even hear the Bruce Willis voiceover, all I hear is the beating of my heart in my ears for the first time ever big as life boomboomboomboomboomboom and then I start shaking from the internal force and before I die from a coronary the best twelve seconds ever commited to film is over.
And a minute later it's like nothing happened.
I have never felt a rush like that in my life.
I almost died.
It was awesome. So very awesome. In Network, Howard Beale sees the face of God and it tells him what to do. Everybody else thinks he's crazy.
I am now Howard Beale.
I regret nothing.
Ambient music: Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child (Slight Return)
Jessica Alba & 24 Other Famous Hotties: April '05
DROPPED: Esther Baxter (18), Gloria Velez (19)
25. Tyra Banks (re-entry, peak 19)
24. Jamie Pressly (13/7)
23. Eliza Dushku (20/3)
22. Monica Bellucci (24/17)
21. Amanda Beard (25/21)
20. Stacy Keibler (17/16)
19. Kristanna Loken (re-entry/8)
18. Kylie Minogue (23/18)
17. Sofia Vergara (21/8)
16. Carmen Electra (14/5)
15. Halle Berry (16/15)
14. Natalie Portman (11/8)
13. Lacey Chabert (22/13)
12. Kitana Baker (15/10)
11. Beyonce Knowles (11/4)
10. Rachel Bilson (9/7)
9. Salma Hayek (7/7)
8. Vida Guerra (both 4)
7. Adriana Lima (10/3)
6. Brooke Burke (8/1)
5. Josie Maran (both 5)
4. Angelina Jolie (6/1)
3. Eva Longoria (both 3)
2. Trish Stratus (2/1)
1. Star Jones. Oh, right, April Fool's. Jessica Alba (both 1)
Ambient music: Factory 81 - Insane in the Brain
25. Tyra Banks (re-entry, peak 19)
24. Jamie Pressly (13/7)
23. Eliza Dushku (20/3)
22. Monica Bellucci (24/17)
21. Amanda Beard (25/21)
20. Stacy Keibler (17/16)
19. Kristanna Loken (re-entry/8)
18. Kylie Minogue (23/18)
17. Sofia Vergara (21/8)
16. Carmen Electra (14/5)
15. Halle Berry (16/15)
14. Natalie Portman (11/8)
13. Lacey Chabert (22/13)
12. Kitana Baker (15/10)
11. Beyonce Knowles (11/4)
10. Rachel Bilson (9/7)
9. Salma Hayek (7/7)
8. Vida Guerra (both 4)
7. Adriana Lima (10/3)
6. Brooke Burke (8/1)
5. Josie Maran (both 5)
4. Angelina Jolie (6/1)
3. Eva Longoria (both 3)
2. Trish Stratus (2/1)
1. Star Jones. Oh, right, April Fool's. Jessica Alba (both 1)
Ambient music: Factory 81 - Insane in the Brain
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