HATE! LOVE! FRIDAY!

HATE: THIS FUCKING COLD. I don't know what's going on when three straight nights of NyQuil fail to knock a cold the hell out the box but it's happened now. I think the cold my stupid brother had last week mixed with one of the people's colds that were going around work this past week and they banded together to make some particularly annoying strain of hypercold that is just a big-time pain in the fucking ass.

HATE: I'm stuck in the house. I finally get a week off, and now I'm stuck in the house trying to beat this thing down for at least the forseeable future.

HATE: Having no money. I've come to the realization I need money. Money can be used in exchange for goods and services, as Homer J. put it so eloquently.

HATE: If I had money, I couldn't leave the house anyway because of the fucking cold. If I didn't have the fucking cold, I still wouldn't have any fucking money. So here I sit.

HATE: Missing out on Poker Night.

HATE: Reeling off a fat string of Hates for the topic, but being broke and sick is about as craptacular as it gets. Let's see if I can't right the ship a bit.

LOVE: Actually being off this weekend and sick (though hopefully the latter will go away) will enable me to stay holed up in my room and watch the NBA playoffs.

LOVE: The NBA playoffs. I'm really interested to see San Antonio/Denver as the Nuggets have been Lloyd Banks since getting Karl on board and Duncan's injury might be more serious than the Antonians are letting on. Plus, the idea of someone losing who got next to Eva Longoria is always good. Even the East is up-and-down intriguing this year between the Pistons trying to repeat, the Heat trying to Shaq-Fu them over, the sudden resurgence of the Bulls and Wizards and even the Pacers trying to sneak in there. Good times.

LOVE: Charles Barkley on commentary, because the man simply refuses to give a rat's ass whether the camera is on or not. You always know at some point during a show he's going to say something that's going to make Ernie cringe that nobody else would have the balls to say.

HATE: The prospect of thunderstorms this weekend. That shit is scary; the only way I like "Thunderstruck" is by AC/DC.

LOVE: My peoples, holding me down. Gotten some calls in the past week I wasn't expecting, and it's always nice to hear from people. Plus, I got a really nice e-mail from my friend Diane, who I haven't seen since roughly 1836. I'm kidding. 1837.

LOVE: Got my WrestleMania recap done with the time I had holed up in the place. At least outside of the occassional headache I'm able to sit down and bang it out on the keys sometimes.

LOVE: AMC for having the cojones to put on Lake Placid after Silence of the Lambs.

LOVE: Next Friday I will be healthy and have money.

LOVE: I hope to refurbish Danny's bowling kindness by taking him out to the Strip Club next weekend at some point. Hopefully I won't be up to the gills in work, though...

Ambient music: Garbage - #1 Crush

Rosser Goes Hollywood

A few words about WrestleMania.

Yup.

Be there, aloha...

Ambient music: Method Man & Redman - Da Rockwilder

Little High, Little Low

For the first time since I debuted the Sinister Fling last year, I had a game fall apart like Black Thought was on the mic.

Danny whomped my ass sixteen ways from Sunday: 155-74.

No, you read that right. 74. I lost by more than I put up. It was literally the worst I'd bowled since I hit puberty in the late Mesozoic.

You'd think the following comeback wins in which I posted 103 and 134 would make me feel better, but not really. I mean, 74! That's just galling. Never again.

ADDENDUM: Did, in fact, do the Churning the Butter dance on three or four occassions. I tend to individualize mine with a final slashing fist pump.

Ambient music: Apocalyptica - Enter Sandman

Rosser Hot Fifteen

AWAY:
"Lovers And Friends" (4), "Bring Em Out" (7), "Toma" (15)

15) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (re-entry)
14) Beck, "E-Pro" (debut)
13) Jimmy Eat World, "Work" (12)
12) 50 Cent, "Just A Lil' Bit" (debut)
11) Common feat. Kanye West & the Lost Poets, "The Corner" (14)*

10) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (8)
09) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (11)*
08) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (13)*
07) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (10)*
06) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (3)

05) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake & Charlie Wilson, "Signs" (9)*
04) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (2)

03) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (1)

02) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (6)*

01) Amerie, "1 Thing" (5) [2w]

Ambient music: Ohio Players - Love Rollercoaster

Hate It Or Love It Friday

LOVE: My brand new night stand, $170 down from $500. Why? TWO SCRATCHES. Even after I pointed out to the saleswoman I was a) male b) single c) in my 20s and d) black, it was still $170. I throw my shit when I get home on top of it anyway, so I'm not even going to see the scratches. And it ain't like I'm running MoMA so I'm not "(shuddering gasp) Unclean! Unclean!" SUCKERS.

LOVE: Not having to hear another word about my beatdown sloppier than Paris dresser...

LOVE: Because Aaron & I Office Spaced that bitch into the grave right after moving the night stand in with a ball bat.

LOVE: I had the foresight to have pictures of the occassion taken, including my swing that was so hard the dresser hung off the end of the bat.

HATE: I won't be able to see the photo assisstant's face as they develop these pictures.

HATE: Paying off for Natalie. THE CELL PHONE, you dirty, dirty bastards.

HATE: Between the night stand, Natalie, rent, & paying off my taxes, I will be living hand-to-mouth for the next fortnight. No parties, no poker, no bowling, no sex, no drugs, no wine, no women. I believe this will quadruple the amount of you-know-what when it's dark.

LOVE: One-hit wonders. :)

HATE: My brother on this computer. I always have to reset it when he's done, and put my playlist back in Winamp, and make sure he didn't download any more computer-coupon walking file viruses, and whatnot. And he shoves the keyboard in, which for some reason aggravates me the most.

LOVE: Sin City with friends. I feel like such a pusher.

LOVE: Orange Kool-Aid. "Ain't nuthin' wrong with THAT!"

HATE: Actually being home on Friday nights--talk about a wasteland for television. Yeesh!

Ambient music: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl

7 Other Reasons To Love Sin City

1. Carla Gugino's ass is really nice.
2. Mickey Roarke : this movie :: David Carradine : Kill Bill
3. "As useful as a palsy victim doing brain surgery with a pipe wrench". I may feel the need to say that a few hundred times in the next few months.
4. "That's a damn fine coat you're wearing."
5. The one victim of Miho's who gets dialogue after being victimized, leading to IMSNHO the funniest dialogue in the movie.
6. I hope right before I die I'm coherent enough to have MY last words be "Is that all you got, you bastards?" Hell, that'd make a fine epitaph, methinks.
7. Jessica Alba--but in a white t-shirt and jeans. HA!

Ambient music: Live - White, Discussion

The Following Events Took Place Between 1:00 and 2:00 P.M.

After stretching out the procrastination like turkey meat I finally went off to file for '05. I was done in like 20 minutes. Another benefit of being single and keeping the mouse in the house. Appropriately enough, I am in the black, and even after paying them off I'm still coming out $80 in the lead.

So I celebrate with a couple on sale pints of Baskin-Robbins chocolate chip, "It Was A Good Day" blaring in my ears. I think I've got another cheap excuse to resee Sin City, heh heh heh.

Seed money for Miami! Daddy's coming, girl!

Ambient music: Counting Crows - American Girls

Rosser Hot Fifteen

LAST GOODBYE:
"Let Me Love You" (6), "Just A Moment" (11), "Let's Get Blown" (12), "Obsession" (13), "Wait" (14), "Hold You Down" (15)

15) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (9)
14) Common feat. Kanye West & the Last Poets, "The Corner" (debut)
13) Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl" (debut)
12) Jimmy Eat World, "Work" (8)
11) Louis XIV, "Finding Out True Love Is Blind" (debut)

10) Weezer, "Beverly Hills" (debut)
09) Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake & Charlie Wilson, "Signs" (debut)
08) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (10)*
07) T.I., "Bring 'Em Out" (7)
06) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (5)

05) Amerie, "1 Thing" (debut)
04) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers And Friends" (3)

03) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (1)

02) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (4)*

01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (2) [2nd time, 1m]

Ambient music: Korn - Somebody Someone

The (Almost) Deadly Sin

All right, the cinematography is some of the best I've ever seen in my life. Yes, the stories and twists are extremely well done. Yes, there's a little dark humor in it which in my SRO-viewing went over gangbusters.

Anybody reading this blog wants my reaction to The Scene.

Yes, it was so fantastiawesome not only did I just invent a word back there, I captialized unneccessarily (to some).

There were a couple earlier teases which made me just want it more. And then it was the big scene. I gasped and put my hands over the armrests I'd pulled down for this specific moment. A lot of people looked at me, including the little girl next to me. Hey, what the fuck parent is letting a little kid go see Sin City ANYfuckingWAY? How dare her eight-year-old ass judge me. I know she's prepubescent, but she don't know.

It was in slow-mo. Why did no one tell me it was in slo-mo!?!?!?

And then, all of a sudden, everything changes. My heart starts picking up speed. It's gone from quiet to awake. Awake quickly becomes racing. Racing becomes Audobahn. I'm not blinking. I thought I had to blink. I'm not. My heart is going three times its normal rate. I can't even hear the Bruce Willis voiceover, all I hear is the beating of my heart in my ears for the first time ever big as life boomboomboomboomboomboom and then I start shaking from the internal force and before I die from a coronary the best twelve seconds ever commited to film is over.

And a minute later it's like nothing happened.

I have never felt a rush like that in my life.

I almost died.

It was awesome. So very awesome. In Network, Howard Beale sees the face of God and it tells him what to do. Everybody else thinks he's crazy.

I am now Howard Beale.

I regret nothing.

Ambient music: Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child (Slight Return)

Jessica Alba & 24 Other Famous Hotties: April '05

DROPPED: Esther Baxter (18), Gloria Velez (19)

25. Tyra Banks (re-entry, peak 19)
24. Jamie Pressly (13/7)
23. Eliza Dushku (20/3)
22. Monica Bellucci (24/17)
21. Amanda Beard (25/21)

20. Stacy Keibler (17/16)
19. Kristanna Loken (re-entry/8)
18. Kylie Minogue (23/18)
17. Sofia Vergara (21/8)
16. Carmen Electra (14/5)
15. Halle Berry (16/15)
14. Natalie Portman (11/8)
13. Lacey Chabert (22/13)
12. Kitana Baker (15/10)
11. Beyonce Knowles (11/4)

10. Rachel Bilson (9/7)

9. Salma Hayek (7/7)

8. Vida Guerra (both 4)

7. Adriana Lima (10/3)

6. Brooke Burke (8/1)

5. Josie Maran (both 5)

4. Angelina Jolie (6/1)

3. Eva Longoria (both 3)

2. Trish Stratus (2/1)

1. Star Jones. Oh, right, April Fool's. Jessica Alba (both 1)

Ambient music: Factory 81 - Insane in the Brain

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

I've come to the decision.

In September, to quote a wise African-American philosopher, I'm going to Miami. (And probably solo, though as with boxing, Card Subject To Change)

There really isn't another way out of this: I need to take a vacation because it's been too long, and even my hearty steel-working parentals get a couple weekends off every year. I've gotten outside of work exactly once in about two years. Before that it was either school and/or the Great Depression. Honestly, the last vacation I took was with the fam in Vegas back in Clinton/Dole. Vegas underage! Hell, why don't I go to Paris' condo for Bible study?

I'm really looking forward to going, as I've never even gotten within shouting distance of the place. And I figure, how can I go wrong? Just got the Flash jersey, great weather, beaches, bikinis, pressed Cuban sandwiches, models, Ocean Drive, hot & cold running chicks, finding out what hot & cold running chicks means, going around town and every so often going "That's okay. Anot'er quaalude, she'll love me again!"--how can I lose?

Besides, any town that Jessica Alba & Eva Longoria party in together for New Year's has got to have something going for it.

So, anyways, if any of you have been to Miami (bienvenido a Miami) and have some tips for locales to hit up and some clubs to get thrown out of get at me about that. I'm going to start looking into places & flights.

¡Adios!

Ambient music: LL Cool J - Around The Way Girl

To-Do List: Saturday

1. Watch best day of comebacks in NCAA Tourney history and exult as Illinois just barely manages to save what's left of your bracket/ass.
2. In between games, get Chappelle's Show shirt for half price.
3. Go low key to the club tonight and leave the chalice. Opt for shirt you bought day previous at a clearance sale for $10 worth $35.
4. Freak out when you hear Kris Kross' "Jump" for the first time since you hit puberty.
5. Watch the most awe-inspiring ass-shaking you've seen outside of the uncut video for "Disco Inferno".
6. Mack chick.
7. Diffuse potential awkwardness of recreating Next's "Too Close" with ™ humor and charm.
8. Slow dance/grind for "Lovers And Friends".
9. Get digits.
10. Go to favorite hookah bar.
    
11. Manage to only think and not scream "SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET!" as favorite hot, blonde stacked waitresss is rocking a jean skirt and glasses.
12. Relax by listening to a great chillax mix with "Adam's Song", "The Hardest Button To Button", and especially "There There" while smoking so much premium orange that to quote a wise man you met once, they can perform a coup de gras on your head with a rock when you're done.
13. Shoutout your peeps (less the new father) via texting and voicemail. Fuck it, you're still technically faced.
14. Put on Al Green's Greatest Hits and fuck Jessica Alba until she needs a handicapped placard to get around.

You know, no matter how good a day goes, it's always that last one...

Ambient music: the Cardigans - Erase/Rewind

Gray Wednesday

Parents are going on vacation next week for the Chick Final Four. I get to make sure my Grandma & brother stay alive in their absence.

Friends are going to Palm Springs, New York, LA, Hawaii. Seeing loved ones. I'm staying here to serve jury duty and "read" the new GQ.

People are going to run to church as if they can no longer repent on their deathbeds. I'm...doing something.

At a moment like this I recognize the need for steady companionship, and I also realize I need to take a vacation this year for the first time in about a decade. (Can't go to Vegas, at least not solo. That's just asking for trouble.)

People are off living lives, and I'm learning how to drive a cart on my day off.

Less Norton.

More Pitt.

I am Butch's wasted life (?)

Ambient music: Pete Rock & CL Smooth - T.R.O.Y. (They Reminisce Over You)

Gold Tuesday

Today was my day off. And today was my return to the stage.

As my rehearsals went on I could see Aaron slowly resigning himself to the fact that his Spielbergesque career was going to be replaced by whoever-it-is what wrote the Fletch series. I couldn't emote enough, and I sort of downtalked. I didn't care, really. Never been a practice player. Didn't write that winning speech until hours before cutoff.

And today, my last words before the Clerks scene: to paraphrase a wise African-American philosopher, I got 99 problems but this scene ain't one, hit me!

Had it not been for two pros doing the opening scene of the Producers it would've been--and I say this with no ego--well, some--the scene of the day. As it was, I had to settle for stealing the show. I just have never been able to muster the necessary emotion in practice that I can do in front of people. That's pretty fucking backwards but that's how I roll.

Then, we hung out with Merilynn, followed by Jen & Alyssa and saw the video I made last Saturday. Well, acted in. And very convincingly, I might add. Just someday it will cost me my bid for President. That's it.

So now with that good deed done, I can now refocus on Priority One: finding the real stealers and bring them to justice.

Ambient music: Limp Bizkit - Crushed

Black Monday

For the first time all year I wasn't in the train conductor outfit. Black slacks, black shirt, black shoes.

And now I have the mood to match.

Let us ignore the fact the elevator ate my pen, and let us ignore that something else happened that angered me to the point where I threw my bag and shattered my headphones in the process...

After a weekend cloistered inside watching the Tournament, I was off to work today. The GQ had finally arrived. I took a picture with Natalie for prosperity to set the cover as my wallpaper. So I get off my shift with my hat and my jacket, my wallet, Natalie in the pocket, and it's all good.

Except.

Except for the part where someone stole Jessica right off of my bag.

No, I don't suddenly find it somewhere else. No, no one's seen it in a few hours. No, no one was playing a prank on me.

Someone bypassed my wallet, my $100+ worth of CDs, and the new Maxim, and took the GQ.

And someone--anyone--whoever--better hope and pray to their motherfucking God I don't find them out. Because I don't tend to get angry very often; but those who've seen my fury in those moments know I'm a different person.

And considering the circumstances...it would be a different person looking for any cheap excuse to bust somebody's motherfucking ass.

Rosser Hot Fifteen

AIN'T NO SUNSHINE:
"Mira Mira", 14

15) the Alchemist feat. Nina Sky, Prodigy, & Illa Ghee, "Hold You Down" (11)
14) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (10)
13) Frankie J, "Obsession" (9)
12) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (12)
11) Nas feat. Quan, "Just A Moment" (13)*

10) John Legend, "Ordinary People" (debut)
09) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (6)
08) Jimmy Eat World, "Work" (15)*
07) T.I., "Bring Em Out" (7)
06) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (2)

05) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (8)*
04) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (5)*

03) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers And Friends" (3)

02) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (1)

01) the Game & 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (4) [2w]

Ambient music: Dre & Snoop - Dre Day

God Make Dirt & Dirt Bust Yo Ass

26-6 with the first round of the tournament games. Why, yes, I missed all the upsets and late nailbiters. Also, I'd like to send a big angry bear looking for a rectum to shove something into to Syracuse, Kansas, and New Mexico (I could get 15 fucking points in a half, you jackasses).

Hung out with Aaron to do my Clerks scene; I'm playing Randal to the surprise of...well, somebody. Got some of the county's finest pizza, then went over to his friends' poker game. Bought in for $10, came out with .10. And $23.

HIGHLIGHT of the NIGHT: Pocket hearts. Here's a flop. And I make like Eazy cause I flop DEEZ NUUUUUUUTS! Ace-fucking-high-flush and now is the time when I slowplay. One thing about watching poker on TV: it always drives me nuts when someone does flop the nuts and then immediately goes all in. Inevitably I end up screaming "GET SOME MONEY FIRST!" at the screen. So, yes, I slowplay. And Aaron walks right into it, making what ends up being a set of sailboats (4s) and follows me raising post-flop, post-turn, and post-river. Could he have gotten rid of me? God, no. Do I eventually push him to the point of all-in?

Oh, hell yes.

Pop & lock him, cause he just got served.

And yes, I expect to tell that story at work after I celebrate this unexpected, sudden, and welcome first weekend off of the year.

Ambient music: Nas - One Mic

Maybe Emerson, Lake & Palmer Were Onto Something

There's a beautiful Latina in my room, and right now I'm trying to keep the typing clickety-clack down to a minimum even though I know she's out for the night. I look at her, right between the brokendown dresser and the TV.

And if you're expecting this to be a story about a one-night stand...you obviously don't know the propietor of this blog/life.

It is truly remarkable on a day that saw me run around with chicken quesadillacitos while bosses figuratively slept, dodged bullets about my personal life, only missed on two of the first day March Madness games (I knew I should've picked UAB, fuck the SEC less UK) and get thrown for a loop when the most attractive of my bosses said she might come to the birthday party (didn't) in which the guest of honor showed up for three seconds and up and vanished like a fart in the wind, that things would somehow get weirder.

This is the definition of my life...

After a slow start, things are turning around. The drink specials are working, the pimp cup has yet to slightly unalign, I still have my World Title. (There you go, Mattie.) And best of all, the pimp cup is working as automatic introduction and opening topic. So the past and the birthday boy is forgotten; in lieu of the actual celebration sometimes you have to party like they're there in the hopes they get there. I am fast becoming the dark meat in a brunette sandwich and the dominoes are falling right the pike like they should.

Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off. He's a tight-ass. He's a sadist. He's an absentee landlord. Worship that? Never.
--Pacino, Devil's Advocate

So everything's dandy until one of my friends barrels down the stairs and nearly plows the fucking lot of us down. Oh, it's bad--she's supposed to drive home. And another one of my friends is gone already, left for quieter climes the commited folk seem to dig. So I drag her out of the club, and we have to go back to the car and he has to drive. I have gone from heaven to purgatory. Two hot brunettes to watching a bottle blonde spew three times, and roll out the guest comforters for the second time in my life. It shouldn't take 2 minutes to go up stairs.

Needless to say, some people are going to be brought to fucking justice. But right now, there's a thing to wait out and my favorite episode of Celebrity Poker Showdown to try and stay awake through.

Damn it all to blood-spewing, pus-gutted hell.

Ambient music: Peter Gabriel - Digging in the Dirt

You Guys Are My Peeps, Right?

So--and I'm not saying it's Definitely Going To Happen--but in case it does...when the new GQ comes out, I may just fall to my knees crying in the store and I need somebody to stick up for me and say "He's not crazy. Much."

That all...for now.

ADDENDUM. If you haven't the heart medication or the strength, go no further! Heaven awaits you with a pear-shaped ass.

I like it like that
She working that back
I don't know how to act
Slow motion for me, slow motion for me
Slow motion for me, move in slow motion for me

Ambient music: EPMD, Meth & Red - Symphony 2000

S-M-R-T

Advanced You scored 93% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 81% Advanced, and 72% Expert!

You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score. Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Beginner You scored higher than 99% on Intermediate You scored higher than 99% on Advanced You scored higher than 99% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

Like Calling In A Bomb Threat To the Special Olympics

For all y'all sucker MCs working on your BsD--your Butch-hating degrees--y'all want to hate on me, be my guest. But I sugggest it not be today.

Up at 7 in the a.m. for my first Saturday off all year to help a friend's photo project, a 10-hour shoot during which I warded off temptation and survived nipple clamps, a two-hour changeover, followed by hitting the clubs downtown, finding a hot brunette who could go toe to toe with me on "O.P.P.", and getting her number.

To quote a woman wiser and smaller than I, if I was you I'd hate me too...

Ambient music: Weezer - Undone (the Sweater Song)

Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey

• Chaps are okay so long as no one can see your bare ass.
• Nipple clamps are EVIL.
• Boobies.

G'night, everybody!

Ambient music: Reel Big Fish covering "Hungry Like The Wolf"

Rosser Hot Fifteen

MOVE BITCH:
"Karma", 4; "Get Back", 6; "Get Right", 13; "All Because Of You", 15

15) Jimmy Eat World, "Work" (debut)
14) T-Weaponz feat. Notch & Pitbull, "Mira Mira" (8)
13) Nas feat. Quan, "Just A Moment" (debut)
12) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (11)
11) the Alchemist feat. Nina Sky, Prodigy, & Illa Ghee, "Hold You Down" (12)*

10) Ying Yang Twins, "Wait" (debut)
09) Frankie J, "Obsession" (7)
08) Ludacris, "Number One Spot" (debut)
07) T.I., "Bring Em Out" (5)
06) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (9)*

05) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (14)*
04) the Game feat. 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (10)*

03) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers & Friends" (3)

02) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (2)*

01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (1) [1m]

Ambient music: Salt N' Pepa - Let's Talk About Sex

Looking For Highway 120

123, 86 (six fucking nines!), and a closing 142. First game was for the five bucks in change and the third game the girl next to me had the Fucking Cheek to call me out. I merely looked at my ball and said "We don't take that shit, I don't care if we did just put up an 86." Started off with a strike, and then the bass was runnin' runnin' and runnin' runnin'...

ADDENDUM: The new awesome cell phone with 200 picture/500 number capacity will now be called Natalie in honor of Jester and more importantly my Garden State kick. Willie hears ya. Willie don't care.

Ambient music: Sublime - Caress Me Down

* (---)< ers Inc., March '05

The title is the link and the bass is the treble. Or something.

Beard, Bellucci, Minogue, Chabert, Vergara, Dushku, Velez, Baxter, Keibler, Berry, Baker, Electra, Pressly, Knowles, Portman.

Lima, Bilson, Burke, Hayek, Jolie, Maran, Guerra, Longoria, Stratus, ALBA.

Ambient music: Prince - Let's Go Crazy

Red Letter Saturday

It isn't often one has a day that takes you to the extremes of human behavior. And I barely eased my foot off the 7 pedal; you can imagine what sort of torturted metaphor I'd be coming up with in County if I'd hit full throttle.

Beginning with the beginning...

I'd just started the shift when they walked in. At the time, I didn't realize it, but at the end of the conversation their comment would be the third to take its place in the Panthenon Of Stupid Things I've Heard At Work. (First one was "Starbucks coffee?", second was the whole "Do you make $100,000 before taxes?" standup routine.)

I'm working some sort of interior design/art show, and I'm really superfluous; pretty much pointing left for six hours. They walk up, a pair of cute blondes whose legality is an issue (and during such times the Chris Rock 20-16-12 rule is in the fullest of effects) and ask where the cheerleading competition is. I'm thrown for a second because sometime in the last two Saturdays we actually had one; however, it's reverted to the old Convention Center this week down the street. And that's when they hit the mark.

"Oh, no! We just bought tickets!"

It doesn't even register right away. It's that stupid. I look down at their hands and sure enough, one of them is clutching two red tickets to get inside the design show.

Have you ever walked up to the movie theater, waited patiently in line, and then when it was your turn walked up to the window and gone "Surprise me?" Some fun things to think about while you wait for the three minutes to be up and blood to shoot out your nose:

1. Wouldn't the absolute lack of anything else resembling a cheerleader have tipped them off?
2. Did they not realize the seperate convention centers are in different locations given the new one has been in business since the start of Bush the Elder?
3. Did they just see a line and get at the end of it?
4. Did they fail to see the three signs posted outside stating this was the interior design expo?
5. Aren't they fortunate they're attractive, as otherwise they would starve and/or accidentally kill themselves?

So I send them on their way. They end up selling the tickets outside. And as they walk away, I think to myself: If it weren't for my horse...

Needless to say, nothing else happened that got within a time zone of that moment. A shame it happened in the first hour, but then again it gave me plenty of time to run around retelling the story. As I said, "A dumb blonde cheerleader--way to break the stereotype, sister!" So, if you hear me use the phrase "I just bought tickets!" at any point during the next, say, millennium...ya know.

After work I met up with Danny. I get to tell him the story over dinner. He started thinking about it, and would stop, and just start breaking up. I Can't Possibly Imagine Why. By the way, dinner? FOODGASM. We went to a Mexican place and I had one of the greatest creations to come out of Mexico since Salma Hayek: bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp. So many things could've gone wrong: shrimp too tiny, shrimp undercooked, bacon undercooked, bacon overcooked, bacon tiny. But the smell is awesome and pungent, the shrimp are the size of my fist and at least a whole slice of bacon is wrapping them up to the tail. I'm literally almost hesitant to eat, as I know once I sink my teeth into this there will be no going back; merely a line of demarcation between the pre- and post-days. But I do it.

You know the orgasmic payoff to Tantric sex? It's like that only the orgasm is internal. I roll it around in my mouth, getting surprised. For every taste of shrimp, bacon follows or vice versa or it's a bbs sbs ssb sort of misasma that just falls apart in your mouth. And I know what you're thinking, that with a metaphor like that it can't get any better.

My ass.

Shove it in a hot tortilla, add some beans, cheese and salsa. Yes, the only thing better than bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp is a bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp BURRITO. And the rice underneath even tasted like bacon! I would've settled for the bacon-flavored rice, let alone the shrimps!

So when we finish that and there's a wait for our pool table, I make a run and wash down that heavenly goodness that actually made me stop making Corona with its only dessert equal: Oreo Blizzard.

Pool went great, as Danny sucks as much as I do and some guy kicked it with us and bought us a drink. It's weird being in the club so often and then getting adjusted to being outside at 12:30.

So, PB. Giving me good dates, hot girls on the dance floor, Glenda & Brenda, bacon-wrapped jumbo shrimp.

This summer is going to blow up like Paris' phone book.

Ambient music: #14, T.I.'s "You Don't Know Me"

Rosser Hot Fifteen

INTO THE GREAT WIDE OPEN:
"U Make Me Wanna", 7; "1, 2 Step", 11; "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)", 14

15) U2, "All Because Of You" (13)
14) T.I., "You Don't Know Me" (debut)
13) Jennifer Lopez, "Get Right" (9)
12) the Alchemist feat. Nina Sky, Prodigy, & Illa Ghee, "Hold You Down" (debut)
11) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (10)

10) the Game feat. 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (6)
09) Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Toma" (debut)
08) T-Weaponz feat. Pitbull & Notch, "Mira Mira" (8)*
07) Frankie J, "Obsession" (15)*
06) Ludacris, "Get Back" (4)

05) T.I., "Bring Em Out" (12)*
04) Lloyd Banks feat. Avant, "Karma" (3)

03) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers And Friends" (1)

02) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (5)*

01) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (2) [2w]

Ambient music: Disturbed - Prayer

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah HAIL EASTLAKE HIGH!

Copped it from the Court Jester.

YEAR YOU GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL...

What year was it?
9d7 represent!

What were your favorite bands?
R.E.M. and Nirvana. What the hell was I thinking?! (sarchasm)

What was your favorite outfit?
I didn't have one, since this was the pre-throwback era for yours truly. Always about jeans, though. I don't know, I had a wide assortment of shorts I just gave to Goodwill last year so it's one of those.

What was up with your hair?
If it was there, it was short. Just the way I likes it now with the exception of the winter months.

Who were your best friends?
Same squad I roll with now: Amanda, Ivan, Dustin, Jeremy, Cecelia, Michelle, Joe, Brian, Greg, Jason, Diane, all them...MIKE! Holy shit. Is Mike still alive?!

What did you do after school?
Went home and did my homework. Sometimes I busted out to go the girls ball or the football games but for the most part I was a good boy. Didn't do shit to help my math grades, but I tried.

Did you take the bus?
Hell, yes! Ran in a pack with Jeremy, Amanda & the Bouchers and a bunch of people I forgot, told dirty jokes, talked shit about teachers, put "WE'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!" signs against the window and practically cried every time it was next to another car at a red light. Good thing I did it before cell phones took over 'cause somebody would've sued my ass for hitting the 911 on their speed dial.

Who did you have a crush on?
Annie Morrissey, and Mariel Fernandez. I think every guy who went to Eastlake in that four-to-six year period is gonna be telling Mariel Fernandez stories until Alzheimer's takes the memories away. Christo With The Orange Drapes, I had a thing back then for short and stacked. AND younger, wow. Didn't anyone in the senior class do something for me?

[yes, this is the one thing I'm going to look up courtesy of the yearbook]

And I just ran into Sophia for the first time in a month thanks to this...we weren't even on each other's radars...and with a shake of his head, he goes further down the rabbit hole...

Not a single senior. UNbelievable.

Did you fight with your parents?
Not until May, at which point began my "downward spiral" into the cursing, selfthestic schitzophrenic you read before you today. It was mostly my mother, per usual.

Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?
So about the Love Hewitt love it wasn't funny. Who the hell knew freaking Claudia was going to grow up to be a Regulation Hottie?

Did you smoke cigarettes?
Couldn't. Assmar.

Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?
Nigga, I lugged all of my books around in my backpack all day because we HAD NO lockers. And boy, did it piss off my parents when for the Teacher Night I made them carry out over hill and dale across campus. I think my dad had basic training flashbacks.

Did you have a clique?
Hell, yes. We all hung out by the library like the Island of Misfit Toys. We all could've been in other cliques, and sometimes were, but like every episodic TV we usually ended up with each other. Maybe that's why we're still more or less together even now.

Did you have "The Max" like Zach, Kelly & Slater?
It had to have been somebody's house because the development hadn't happened yet. They were building it but it was nowhere near done. Now the school is bracketed on all sides by big-ass malls and six figure homes. A good thing, too, because with a Krispy Kreme down the hill I would've been pushing 4 bills for graduation.

Who did you want to be just like?
Mr. Knox, my social sciences teacher who combined a deft mind with a sharp wit and was still extremely well-liked. (The fact we were all cheating behind his back in circles on tests due to his obsessive work with women's volleyball ain't hurt nuthin', either.)

What did you want to be when you grew up?
Same thing I want now: fucking somebody out of my league in a house I shouldn't be able to afford.

Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?
I didn't have a clue then, and maybe it shows.

What classes did you take?
Holy shit, this'll be interesting.

I took Drama and loved the shit out of it. Honors English, mos def. Maybe it was AP English--yeah, AP English, honors Social Studies, economics, algebra (that I technically got a 58 in but MRS. RUST~! let me slide into graduation with a D-), typing, I think...I know library aide was in there--is that 7? It is!

Music I happened to see in the vicinity and switched it to for symmetry: Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

More, More, MORE!

More 9s than fifth grade, more spares than a rib joint, and more strikes than the NHL.

123.
141.
134.
And 159, setting a new record in the process to cap off far and away my best night of bowling ever. The average is now up almost three points and is nearly doubled from when I first debuted the Sinister Fling full-time last year. Best of all, I finally got to do my celebratory strike dance, consisting of me humping the aisle and having a post-coital cigarette.

It was real good for me too, baby. You were the best.

Ambient music: Stevie Wonder - I Wish

Farmers! WHAT!? Farmers! WHAT?!

(For the 'rasslin fans only, I should add...)

And in the local TCF news, Butch Rosser with a triumphant comeback. But tonight...

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK!

Ambient music: Slipknot - My Plague

Blow Em Out

After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I’m an expert on Shakespeare and that’s a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I’m hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.

Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers? Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.

Maybe I’ll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.

I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.

Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that’s enough,
There surely must be more.

Love ain’t the answer nor is work,
The truth eludes me so much it hurts.
But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.
--Jamie Cullum, "Twentysomething"

Drinking While Black: Super Ballin' XXVI

I remember back back in the day I used to do this column for APA, and it went away due to sobriety via depression. Well, it's a new year, so I figure why the hell not?

The new DWB ranks the evening in four major categories:

• Atmosphere. Was there drama? Certain delicious costumes? Did I get hassled by the Man? This is 60% of the overall grade.
• Food & drink. C'mon, it's right there in the title. Considering something needs to be in the tummy to cushion the blow, did I lay down the red carpet or a bunch of urine-soaked broken glass? 10%.
• Location. Also the fear factor, as in: did I fear for my life at any point? Or did I feel like I didn't belong in the fun I'm-getting-away-with-something sort of way? 10%.
• Music. Crucial, especially in club excursions. Did I hear a good mix of tunes, or was it that damn Nelly & Tim McGraw song 49 times in a row until I punched the DJ out and got sent to county? 57846437%. Or 20%, whatever.

ATMOSPHERE
Really good early as the old "tell them 8:15 to get them there by 8:30" SDCC mentality paid dividends. I had my Rick James wig on and it turns out we actually were put in a private room known as the Champagne Room. Couldn't be more serious. Stupid me, however, sat not facing the crowd since there was no head of the table and missed out on the eye candy. Sigh. It was nice to get my friends together especially since I hadn't seen some of them in ages, and it was even better to get a picture of my pimp chalice in progress. (HAH?) I spent a lot of time looking for Ivan, and then when we couldn't find him and proclared him dead it cast a real pall over the dinner.

(Luckily, he's only in a coma. <-- Joke. ) Despite that, everyone got along. Met up with a couple of people at On Broadway, which was obscenely packed per the usual. Atmosphere was great, even if my eyes suffered whiplash and whatnot. Prices one has to pay, is all. I only wish the DJ had actually screwed more than once every 45 minutes so I could've ran around to the other rooms in the place and inside the bank vault. Three stars out of four.

FOOD & DRINK
Self-prepared medium well sirloin steak (the leftovers made a good sandwich during the Bowl), some of the best onion rings and big cut fries on the face of the Earth, and four Purple Hooters. I don't know the scientific explanation for it, but alcohol made it good. Oh, and I drank two shots of something-or-other at On Broadway. No roofies, no anal leakage. Skoal! Four stars.

LOCATION
Part 1 took place at the Gaslamp Strip Club, which as usual was going off on a Saturday night. One of my favorite places in town to eat, and definitely my most favorite to cook considering the view. Once I'd gorged myself like a Roman god it was off to the best dance club in town three years running, On Broadway. The line was surprisingly short, and like a G I pulled up around 11 when things were pretty much in swing and going off and hung in there until they shut the fucker down. Four stars. Would've gotten five if Aaron danced, six if he'd done the Robot.

MUSIC
Luckily, didn't hear that damn Nelly & Tim McGraw song. Gaslamp played a bunch of the Tribe Called Quest Anthology and some old Beasties stuff. At On Broadway, good mix of the newer stuff with the classics ("Big Poppa", "Ain't No Fun") . But no "Lovers & Friends" as the evening was winding down? For SHAME. Four stars. If someone ever plays Lighter Shade of Brown's "Hey DJ" again, that'd be a great way to get five stars, hint hint.

So overall, doing the math, it was a 3.4 star night, which is excellent bordering on immortal. Considering some of the notable abscences that's a hell of a number.

Could've used some Brenda & Glenda, but I'd say that about a funeral...

Ambient music: Mercy Drive - Away

Rosser Hot Fifteen

NO MORE:
"Drop It Like It's Hot", 7, "This Fire", 8, "Vertigo", 15

15) Frankie J, "Obsession" (debut)
14) My Chemical Romance, "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" (12)
13) U2, "All Because Of You" (13)*
12) T.I., "Bring Em Out" (debut)
11) Ciara feat. Missy Elliott, "1, 2 Step" (9)

10) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (11)*
09) Jennifer Lopez, "Get Right" (10)*
08) T-Weaponz feat. Pitbull & Notch, "Mira Mira" (14)*
07) Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey, "U Make Me Wanna" (3)
06) The Game feat. 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (debut)

05) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (5)*
04) Ludacris, "Get Back" (2)

03) Lloyd Banks feat. Avant, "Karma" (4)*

02) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (6)*

01) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris (1) [6w]

Ambient music: De La Soul - Me, Myself & I

Song of the Determinate Time Period, 4 Feb 2K5

Yeah, It's 50 cent, Young Buck

G-g-g-g-g-G-UNIT!



We get the club jumpin' from beginning to the end

Go shawty, we back up in this bitch again

We party, harder than you can imagine

You can run wit losers, or run wit winners and win



I feel attention when I walk in the club

G-unit to the socks, bitches all on a thug

Gimme a henny on the rocks, and a bottle of bub

I dont need security, this Gorilla enough

I came to ball wit ya'll, pop the bar and all

So bitches call ya hoes, n niggaz call ya dogs

If you love ya wife keep her at home tonight

She might neva come home again nigga, aight!

Teeth, neck, wrists all lights my lifes like

Ridin' in Ca$hville runnin all stop lights

Homie is that real, I pray I keep livin

My momma jus hadda dream of seein me in prison

My daddys a dope fein, n i dont really miss him

Aint seen him in 10 years n a nigga still livin

Tha same ol' 2 step we move to a rhythm

50 holla get em' Buck, you know im gunna get em'

Raaaaa!



[Chorus x2]

I know you gonna let me shine n get mine

I know you gonna let me in wit this nine

I know you gonna smoke on my weed

I know you gonna let me drink wit no I.D



I know im sinnin but im winnin at tha same time

Take a couple shots from a nigga tryin ta take mine

I'm back on tha block, wit a choppa n a tech nine

Niggaz shootin cops n the hood runnin stop signs

G-UNIT, The Game! Bitches doin wat tha thugs do

G's, D's, Vice, Lords, Crips n the Blooz too

Move lemme come through 

Aint a pair of handcuffs, can hold me

I'm ridin' in the ol' school listenin to some oldies

My goals keep shinin, Them hoes keep cryin

The handle of my 45 outlined in diamonds

Just left Ca$hville, bout to fly to Miami

Hopin Yayo watchin Eminem, preform at the Grammys

Niggaz like Eric Benet, prolly cant stand me

I know money will make Halle Berry come outa them panties

Bitch!



Ya'll niggaz in trouble they shoulda neva let me in (in)



[Chorus x2]



Bet ya I can make them bounce back

Teach em' how to stunt, teach em' how to counts stacks (yeah)

Now where ya hood at? Buck

If you want to, we 50 deep up in here watchu gonna do

Who want beef, I aint come for no name callin

Dont be mad cuz we is n you aint ballin'

Gettin' money is my motto for you broke folks

Can't spend ya whole life payin on ya car notes

It's alright if you still on the block boy

See ima cold young thug, not a hot boy

You know I do this for the streets, n my peeps thas behind bars

As soon as they come home, I'll go n buy them all cars

Young Buck!



[chorus x2]



We get the club jumpin' from beginning to the end

Go shawty, we back up in this bitch again

We party, harder than you can imagine

You can run wit losers, or run wit winners that win

AHH!



--Young Buck feat. 50 Cent, "Let Me In"



Oh, yeah.  I'm READY.

On A Very Special Birthday Edition Of Starfuckers, Inc...

The title spoils everything...

This turns 1. Shortly I will turn 26. Let's do it.

Hey! Look Over There!:
Halle Berry, 18; Heidi Klum 21

26) Kim Smith (re-entry, peak 20)
25) Kitana Baker (both 10)
24) Eliza Dushku (14/3)
23) Lacey Chabert (debut)
22) Sofia Vergara (19/8)
21) Natalie Portman (20/8)

20) Anna Kournikova (23/6)
19) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, peak 16)
18) Pam Anderson (24/12)
17) Beyonce Knowles (17/4)
16) Gloria Velez (25/12)
15) Esther Baxter (16/15)
14) Jamie Pressly (15/7)
13) Adriana Lima (7/3)
12) Kristanna Loken (12/8)
11) Carmen Electra (15/8)

TEN
Salma Hayek (11/10)

NINE
Brooke Burke (3/1)

EIGHT
Lindsay Lohan (8/3)

SEVEN
Rachel Bilson (13/7)

SIX
Josie Maran (9/6)

FIVE
Vida Guerra (7/5)

FOUR
Angelina Jolie (5/1)

THREE: Eva Longoria (4/3)

TWO: Trish Stratus (2/1)

THE FUTURE MRS.: Jessica Alba (1)

UPGRADE!: Gloria Velez, 9
Downfall: Kitana Baker, 15

Ambient music: Travis - Baby One More Time (live & acoustic)

"the U.N. of Poonani"

It would've been different if someone had knocked him sideways, but it never happened. So he just kept on predicting and winning, predicting and winning, predicting and winning. After a while it was like Candide: he didn't think anything could go wrong in this, the best possible of all worlds.
--Dr. Ferdie Pacheco about Muhammed Ali's rise to stardom

GuhyeeOD DAMN.

I have literally never lived in a day in my life where I've had this much fun before 6. I may've literally never had a day this fun ever.

Hitting all colors for the pussy cycle will do that to a brother.

So let's do what I always say to do: begin with the beginning, go through the middle, and eventually reach the end.

Aaron & I hit PB today to look for a place to rent for our summer vacation. Living the dream of beach bums: balcony, deck facing the ocean, wild parties, bikinis, waking up at 2 and sleeping at 5, the whole megillah. The boardwalk was just up and down with places to rent so we went up and down it. (The best one looked like Tony Montana's summer home, with a spiral staircase in lieu of an elevator. And FOUR fireplaces for an outside loft visible from the boardwalk. Pics next time.)

We get the thumbs up from this cute blonde at a bistro at the northern most end (started at the south and went up), but it doesn't go anywhere because we then spend the rest of the time playing "Mr. Jones" off each other--she's looking at you? I don't think so, she looking at me.

After checking out all there is to check out, we go to Hooters.

And life as I know it ends.

There's a 22-year-old Latina Hooters waitress.

And she has a twin sister.

And they're working at the same time.

Brenda and Glenda. Glenda and Brenda. I literally do not remember a thing about today before Brenda and Glenda, and as such have logically come to the conclusion that everything about today BB&G is pointless unnecessary white noise. We ask Brenda (maybe Glenda? Doesn't matter, the fact the question alone has to be asked does) what was up with the thumbs up and she doesn't know because she usually smiles at guys when she's into guys. And then, the best throwaway sentence ever.

"It might've just been because she saw two good-looking guys."

The rest of my body has since filed for federal aid, as the ego tsunami has left them in ruins.

Maybe it was because I matched the retro Warriors hat with the neoretro J-Rich jersey today?

So anyway, more remarkable than that is the fact I order a Philly cheesesteak and don't finish it. It's like the moon colliding into the ocean. There are just certain things one takes for granted: the President's a moron, you don't tug on Superman's cape, the sun sets in the West, I finish meals. It wasn't even a BIG cheesesteak! I was just knocked-on-my-ass floored. Aaron & I come to the conclusion that this is why the terrorists hate us. Don't hate the playas, Muhammed, hate the game!

It is quickly decided to take the 5000+spin, and keep going and spit in the Whammy's face. We should get a picture. Aaron is lucky enough to have a cameraphone; I'm waiting out my contract for the free three-digit upgrade from V-Dub. We get them together for the picture (Aaron gets dibs, it's his technology allowing us to do this) and I suddenly for the first time in 90 minutes get a rush of blood to the head.

UPPER level.

I simply take a picture. But then suddenly, complaints. I didn't count to three first. So it's do-over time. This time I count it off.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's friendship.

As we get them to switch from him to me and we check the picture, Aaron is stunned at the easy brilliance of the plan. Extra picture, extra face time. An honest looking mistake, but so simple, so devious, and you get both pictures. They're back, and I get in the middle. It's all smile.

We stumble out into the day, dazed and confused by the waterfall of awesome luck we just passed under. It's dueling Admiral James Stockdale impersonations as we head back down the beach. Did that actually just happen? To a couple shlubs like US?! We're HOT?! I pass off what's left of the sandwich to a homeless guy in lieu of money without blinking. I suspected in my more egomaniacal moments, but getting outside confirmation from a reliable source...

"...the guy with the Warriors gear on, he's a 9."

Suddenly I get jolted back into the here and now by a bunch of cute white girls sitting on a deck at one of the aforementioned beach-houses has a masterstroke that will absolutely be stolen by us: they have a whiteboard and are ranking guys off as they pass. My ego, already severly inflated, starts heading to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade for the head spot in line.

It's really a beautiful day, the day you brag to those back east about: about 60, slight breeze but nothing too bad (thus the throwback), people having fun, people drinking it up, people blasting Biggie out on the block like it's Fulton in the BK, the sun setting...

...people playing Al Green's "Belle" out on the street.

In proper accordance with the day right across from us is a pack of hot sistas who I do a little back-and-forth with. Al Green, bitches. It IS Sunday, after all.

I'm still not entirely sure that happened. I keep looking over my back for wings.

Anyway, Saturday better get in the weight room, drink some eggs, do somethin', 'cause it's going to have a motherfuck of a time beating today.

(And yes, once we get the beachhouse, there's two names already marked off for the christening party...)

How apropo...

Ambient music: Jay-Z & the Roots - Big Pimpin' (unplugged)

I'd Like To Apologize For Being Boring

I'm sorry. Work's just been a nuisance but not the sort of nuisance that makes for good reading. ("Head up, check in hand", some anonymous man said once) My social life's just one big leadup to next Saturday's 26th b-day bash. Sure, I'm going to one of the best steak places in town, and the hottest club after that, but that's not for another week and a half. And I've foolishly applied my "no gifts the month before Christmas" mentality to this, meaning I have no wacky club stories or title defenses.

Maybe if I was still with the psycho killer qu'est-ce que c'est that would be a diversion before the jumpoff on the 5th but as it stands it's just a big fat expanse of time before I wild out with only minor speedbumps on a straight road.

Oh, I'm looking into renting a place in Pacific Beach for a week in the summer with Aaron so we can both drop out for a week and become beach bums. I'll probably be in for 3Gs but it'd be worth it. Especially if I can ever find a British midget who'll holler at bitches for us. Either way, just to confirm:

a) I am not dead.

2) The birthday party story, what parts I'll remember, ought to be epic.

Ambient music: Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains

Rosser Hot Fifteen

GONE:
"Let's Go", 5

15) U2, "Vertigo" (6)
14) T-Weaponz feat. Pitbull & Notch, "Mira Mira" (debut)
13) U2, "All Because Of You" (debut)
12) My Chemical Romance, "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" (8)
11) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (debut)

10) Jennifer Lopez, "Get Right" (debut)
09) Ciara feat. Missy Elliot, "1, 2 Step" (7)
08) Franz Ferdinand, "This Fire" (10)*
07) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Drop It Like It's Hot" (2)
06) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (debut)

05) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (debut)
04) Lloyd Banks feat. Avant, "Karma" (9)*

03) Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey, "U Make Me Wanna" (4)*
02) Ludacris, "Get Back" (3)*
01) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers And Friends" (1) [1m]

Ambient music: Big Wreck - Blown Wide Open

She Said, He Said

"I'm not coming--and you KNOW why."

"You might think I'm being dumb about this, but I'm a man who knows his history. Not just personal, but world history. And right now the only thing I can think about is Lincoln freeing the slaves--which means YOU DON'T OWN ME. You want to step off the crazy ledge, you have the number."

You know, out of all the large black objects I want to hit pretty girls with, the one at the end of my hand is Option B. But there you go.

We'll see if any more red ink gets spilled on this page...

Ambient music: #6, U2 - Vertigo

Vanessa Kay > Christy Hemme

Hopefully I'll have a picture in the next week for y'all on that score. Didn't think about Sophie all day long, which is probably a sign of something or other. Tomorrow night, more ASR & then hitting the club, possibly with an ASR girl or twelve. Got a few receptions to light flirting today.

This might be me having a hell of a time at the wake.

Ambient music: Eminem - Without Me

Jim Lovell To Mission Control

Y'know, I'm trying to ease off on being the five billionth rate Chris Rock, but then something like tonight happens and the only logical response is What the fuck is WRONG with you bitches?!

Anyway, after Ivan didn't want to go out, I called Sophia for the fiftyleventh time this week. Our schedules have been with our off days with the other working so it's been hell. Of course, got the machine. But after a bit she called me back. So things are going fine, and as I am doing with people, inviting them to my birthday party in a couple weekends. We're having a perfectly status quo convo until she asks who all is coming. And one of the names is Cristal.

Some of you are throwing things at your monitor right now. Screw you. We still get along, we're still friends, we were the poster children of Good Wholesome American Fun during our little bit together and I don't want to get back together with her, so it was only natural. Hell, I've invited all my other friends from work that'll come except the poor security bastards that're probably working. You can tell I'm very laissez-faire about this. Sophie hits the ceiling, and gets into this whole how'd-you-feel-if-I-invited-my-ex thing and I'm trying to explain to her just because your last boyfriend was a jackass doesn't mean you need to crucify me for his sins, and then she got pissed Cristal got an invite before she did.

Anybody else think it mattered Cristal was there when I got the idea and I wanted to tell Sophia over the phone voice-to-voice instead of the voicemail? Yeah, I didn't think so. Anyway, things got snippy, and she hung up on me. I almost called her right back but I've decided to hold off because I might say something I would regret. Like the fact she's wrong and I know it. So I'll just call her in a couple days--right after Action Sports on the comeback the next three days. Good thing she's not coming to that, she'd swear I'm cheating on her with some hot piece of ass or another. Fucking hell.

In the immortal words of John F. Kennedy at his inauguration, Fuck around and made her milkbox material--you feel me? Suck a dick, running your lips, 'cause of you I'm on some real fuck a bitch shit...

Ambient music: Xzibit - Hey Now (Mean Muggin')

Flip The Switch

www.butchrosser.net is up. Whether anything holds it but the blog--well, we'll see. Maybe some digicam stuff, wrestling subpage, I dunno.

Ambient music: Dave Matthews Band - Jimi Thing

Hi. My Name Is Shorty. I Think You Know What To Do.

• Season 3 Seinfeld DVD
• Garden State DVD
• Sin City poster (those of you who ask which one, hit the back button, you clearly, clearly are lost)
• Jadakiss - Time's Up
• One Fall by Spencer Baum
• Nirvana's box set
  
• an inappropriate shirt
• the new Christian or Ric Flair shirts
• Season 2 of Chappelle's Show (caveat: must be bought the day it comes out, as the next day is the b-day)
• Anchorman DVD
• money (don't be a sucker bitch and get me a gift card; if you're going to get me something impersonal straight cash will do)
• And, of course, the semi-weekly plea for Jessica Marie Alba (Amanda, you work in Hollywood, get busy)

Ambient music: Soil - Halo

Ambient music: Eminem, Obie Trice & DMX - Go To Sleep

Take a look. A long, good one.

For pretty soon this will all be gone. Pop culture cuisinarted, the peaks and valleys, the Christy Hemme Jihad--all washed away.

And all that will stand in it's place is www.butchrosser.net.

You have been warned.

We now return you to regular programming...

Rosser Hot Ten

GONE: "Encore vs. Numb", 7; "What You Waiting For?", 8

1. Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris: Lovers And Friends (4) [2w]
2. Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell: Drop It Like It's Hot (1)
3. Ludacris: Get Back (3)*
4. Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey: U Make Me Wanna (6)*
5. Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista: Let's Go (2)
6. U2: Vertigo (5)
7. Ciara feat. Missy Elliott: 1, 2 Step (10)*
8. My Chemical Romance: I'm Not Okay (I Promise) (9)*
9. Lloyd Banks feat. Avant: Karma (debut)
10. Franz Ferdinand: This Fire (debut)

Ambient music: Big Audio Dynamite - Rush

Everything Old Is New Again

Life is strange (yeah, life is strange)
What can I make myself be--faker?
To make her mine, yeah...
--R.E.M., "Crush With Eyeliner"

I've tried to start this twice, and not come close. So, let's give it another whirlaround the bend.

Friday night I was waiting for the goddamn shift to end. It was taking forever, and longer than ever because I was waiting to kick off my party. Around 7 I found a cell phone on a bench by one of the Starbucks. About 45 minutes later the owner came by to pick it up.

And not a damn thing has really made sense since.

As an end result, I've got a second date next week and a new possible girlfriend. (Am I suddenly ovulating at the outset of the year now or something? First Cristal last year, now...well, give me time, kids.)

When she walks up to me, my bear trap-like mind focuses in on something: this chick is TEH HAWT (™ Jason Kolt Incorporated). She's unusually focused on me, too, considering I'm in the SDCC Ohio Players horn guy/train conductor outfit, and asks if I picked up a phone from around here. Since I did, and that was the only one, I describe it accurately. She asks for it back and I realize that I had security take it, so I decide on the spot to apply all my training and be proactive and help her find her way back there to get it.

She's looking at me a lot, and I'm thinking a) she knows me or someone very much similar or 2) I have a boogie.

Not 2, so hurrah. Unless a) leads me to getting slapped and yelling about how she paid her own abortion. (My doppelganger is apparently fucking shady.) But we start walking back there in a completely unneccessary move on my part and she looks at my name tag.

"You ARE him!"

Then he braces himself for the hit...--Chris Rock

"You remember me?"

And I quit looking at her figure (which was TEH HAWT in a business suit, so you can believes that took some doing) and I look her in the eyes and start diving into the archives. I know I didn't know her any time in the recent past cause THAT I'd Remember and now we're talking at the same time.

Castle Park Elementary. And then, Castle Park Middle School.

She's Sophia Nava. Rhymes with lava. You can look under "hot as" for that last.

Here for a business dinner downtown with some fellow associates of a local Toyota dealership once they get done pimping '05s on the show floor behind me she leaves her phone and I find it.

Gets better.

I find out what she's been up to in the decade since I've seen her, and I tell her what I've been up to besides stunt doubling on Thomas the Tank Engine (drew a laugh), and I give her my number. Because of the party. I figured she might want to swing by. wotthehell, nothing ventured, nothing gained, to be bold is to go forth and all that. So she plugs me in, and goes to the dinner and I have my party and she doesn't show. Dirt off the shoulder, yeah?

Gets better.

Check my voicemail Saturday night, she left a message. So I call her back, and we talk a little, and I set up a small outing for a local sushi place for Tuesday. I don't really think deep into it, other than pleasant surprise.

This leads into the small informal outing.

A "date", if you're one of those assholes who have to name everything. It's been a while, but I'm oddly not nervous. I don't know why not, either, but I'm just very....Dude-like.

We get to the place and start rapping. She immediately scored some points with me by asking why I set this up with the Championship game almost running concurrently. I was thisclose to going "I loooooove football. But not as much as I love pussy."

Shout-out to USC for solidifying my choice, btw.

The date goes well. She's a little less gregarious than I am, but there's a lot of talking about our jobs and what we were up to all those years. We trade off tempura and sip sake and everything is going well until her phone goes off on a loud vibration.

She looks down, and sort of flinches/rolls her eyes. I say offhandedly, as I am foolishly trying to impress her with chopstick skills I don't have, who it is.

"It's my boahhhhhhheeeeeee."

And I says to her, "It's your what now?" and she's sort of realizing she is going to have to make a decision on the fly. I continue "Either you have an odd relationship with your sheep--which you need to tell me about--or there's something else you need to tell me about. Now."

Then he braces himself for the hit...

"Boyfriend."

WHAM.

"Well, I shouldn't say that."

Uh...erm...MAHW?

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"

Sorry, Danny, she didn't finish the line. But she explains she was going out with this guy for a while, and he was sort of getting shady at the end and she thought he was cheating on her probably wants her back, et al.

"But forget about him."

So I do.

What a fucking lie. I do, but that doesn't come for a few more hours. We finish dinner, and chat a little more about how well things went. She says it's really something we've come together like this after all these years, and we both add some class to dating by cosigning neither one of us had a Fatal Attraction for each other because while friendly in the Way Back When, we weren't OMGTHAT"STHEONE! (I doubt I'd hit puberty by then. God, 2001 was a horrible year for me. Thank you, tip your veal, try your waitress.) But now we're here, and we say we're going to get together again--it can go either way at this point.

At which point...gets better.

We hug goodnight, and there's this awkward silence between us. Probably because neither one of us let go. I can't say who zoomed who, but someone leaned into someone and that led to us kissing for a bit.

It never occured to me, breaking awkward silences with kissing.

One hell of an icebreaker, though.

So we go our seperate ways and promise to call, etc., and then I get home and talk to my Cabinet about the next plan of action. I think it's a forward situation to move with a but attached. I get the same answers. 'Cause I got to know. As I put it, "I don't want to be a backup nigga." So I call her again. He's the ex. They just broke up, and this was her first time out. The verbal faux pax was her thinking of him that way before realizing he wasn't anymore and realizing where she was. She was surprised I called back so soon, thinking I was mad because the announcement stopped me from smiling.

I explain she mistook anger for confusion, just wondering where my place in the universe was.

Apparently, it's us getting together again next week.

Off a lost cell phone.

I think blood should've started shooting out of my ears by this point. I don't get it, don't want to get it, don't care if I ever get it. Now that's it's beginning to hit home, joy is starting to spread through me. That or a coronary.

...

...

..

.

It's joy! Success!

So I didn't want to say anything until the first was in the books, and then there was the subsequent "What're we gonna do now?" And now that I know, you have been informed.

*glares* CLAP FOR ME, BITCHES!

Ambient music: Jane's Addiction - Just Because

2005, FUCK YEAH

WOO

HA

ADDENDUM!:
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth...

Broken Resolutions

DON'T fall in love with the Heineken in the champagne bottle.

DON'T walk around the fancy hotel lobby with the World Title hanging off your arm.

DON'T crash a wedding reception and be the only black guy in there.

DON'T do it again.

DON'T gloat when you run your friends down in ghetto Texas Hold'Em.

DON'T do the Christian kiss-two-lips-point-at-random-homies deal when you walk downtown--oh, yes:

DON'T walk around downtown New Year's Day with the World Title hanging off your shoulder.

DON'T encourage the drunks at the Irish pub by high-fiving them all and then pointing back yelling "SHOUT OUT TO MY PEEPS!"

DON'T finish the entire 1.5 liter Heineken champagne bottle.

Drat.

Ambient music: Monster Magnet - Live For the Moment