Farmers! WHAT!? Farmers! WHAT?!

(For the 'rasslin fans only, I should add...)

And in the local TCF news, Butch Rosser with a triumphant comeback. But tonight...

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK!

Ambient music: Slipknot - My Plague

Blow Em Out

After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I’m an expert on Shakespeare and that’s a hell of a lot
But the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I’m hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.

Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers? Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.

Maybe I’ll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.

I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.

Maybe I'll just fall in love
That could solve it all
Philosophers say that that’s enough,
There surely must be more.

Love ain’t the answer nor is work,
The truth eludes me so much it hurts.
But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.
--Jamie Cullum, "Twentysomething"

Drinking While Black: Super Ballin' XXVI

I remember back back in the day I used to do this column for APA, and it went away due to sobriety via depression. Well, it's a new year, so I figure why the hell not?

The new DWB ranks the evening in four major categories:

• Atmosphere. Was there drama? Certain delicious costumes? Did I get hassled by the Man? This is 60% of the overall grade.
• Food & drink. C'mon, it's right there in the title. Considering something needs to be in the tummy to cushion the blow, did I lay down the red carpet or a bunch of urine-soaked broken glass? 10%.
• Location. Also the fear factor, as in: did I fear for my life at any point? Or did I feel like I didn't belong in the fun I'm-getting-away-with-something sort of way? 10%.
• Music. Crucial, especially in club excursions. Did I hear a good mix of tunes, or was it that damn Nelly & Tim McGraw song 49 times in a row until I punched the DJ out and got sent to county? 57846437%. Or 20%, whatever.

ATMOSPHERE
Really good early as the old "tell them 8:15 to get them there by 8:30" SDCC mentality paid dividends. I had my Rick James wig on and it turns out we actually were put in a private room known as the Champagne Room. Couldn't be more serious. Stupid me, however, sat not facing the crowd since there was no head of the table and missed out on the eye candy. Sigh. It was nice to get my friends together especially since I hadn't seen some of them in ages, and it was even better to get a picture of my pimp chalice in progress. (HAH?) I spent a lot of time looking for Ivan, and then when we couldn't find him and proclared him dead it cast a real pall over the dinner.

(Luckily, he's only in a coma. <-- Joke. ) Despite that, everyone got along. Met up with a couple of people at On Broadway, which was obscenely packed per the usual. Atmosphere was great, even if my eyes suffered whiplash and whatnot. Prices one has to pay, is all. I only wish the DJ had actually screwed more than once every 45 minutes so I could've ran around to the other rooms in the place and inside the bank vault. Three stars out of four.

FOOD & DRINK
Self-prepared medium well sirloin steak (the leftovers made a good sandwich during the Bowl), some of the best onion rings and big cut fries on the face of the Earth, and four Purple Hooters. I don't know the scientific explanation for it, but alcohol made it good. Oh, and I drank two shots of something-or-other at On Broadway. No roofies, no anal leakage. Skoal! Four stars.

LOCATION
Part 1 took place at the Gaslamp Strip Club, which as usual was going off on a Saturday night. One of my favorite places in town to eat, and definitely my most favorite to cook considering the view. Once I'd gorged myself like a Roman god it was off to the best dance club in town three years running, On Broadway. The line was surprisingly short, and like a G I pulled up around 11 when things were pretty much in swing and going off and hung in there until they shut the fucker down. Four stars. Would've gotten five if Aaron danced, six if he'd done the Robot.

MUSIC
Luckily, didn't hear that damn Nelly & Tim McGraw song. Gaslamp played a bunch of the Tribe Called Quest Anthology and some old Beasties stuff. At On Broadway, good mix of the newer stuff with the classics ("Big Poppa", "Ain't No Fun") . But no "Lovers & Friends" as the evening was winding down? For SHAME. Four stars. If someone ever plays Lighter Shade of Brown's "Hey DJ" again, that'd be a great way to get five stars, hint hint.

So overall, doing the math, it was a 3.4 star night, which is excellent bordering on immortal. Considering some of the notable abscences that's a hell of a number.

Could've used some Brenda & Glenda, but I'd say that about a funeral...

Ambient music: Mercy Drive - Away

Rosser Hot Fifteen

NO MORE:
"Drop It Like It's Hot", 7, "This Fire", 8, "Vertigo", 15

15) Frankie J, "Obsession" (debut)
14) My Chemical Romance, "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" (12)
13) U2, "All Because Of You" (13)*
12) T.I., "Bring Em Out" (debut)
11) Ciara feat. Missy Elliott, "1, 2 Step" (9)

10) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (11)*
09) Jennifer Lopez, "Get Right" (10)*
08) T-Weaponz feat. Pitbull & Notch, "Mira Mira" (14)*
07) Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey, "U Make Me Wanna" (3)
06) The Game feat. 50 Cent, "Hate It Or Love It" (debut)

05) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (5)*
04) Ludacris, "Get Back" (2)

03) Lloyd Banks feat. Avant, "Karma" (4)*

02) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (6)*

01) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris (1) [6w]

Ambient music: De La Soul - Me, Myself & I

Song of the Determinate Time Period, 4 Feb 2K5

Yeah, It's 50 cent, Young Buck

G-g-g-g-g-G-UNIT!



We get the club jumpin' from beginning to the end

Go shawty, we back up in this bitch again

We party, harder than you can imagine

You can run wit losers, or run wit winners and win



I feel attention when I walk in the club

G-unit to the socks, bitches all on a thug

Gimme a henny on the rocks, and a bottle of bub

I dont need security, this Gorilla enough

I came to ball wit ya'll, pop the bar and all

So bitches call ya hoes, n niggaz call ya dogs

If you love ya wife keep her at home tonight

She might neva come home again nigga, aight!

Teeth, neck, wrists all lights my lifes like

Ridin' in Ca$hville runnin all stop lights

Homie is that real, I pray I keep livin

My momma jus hadda dream of seein me in prison

My daddys a dope fein, n i dont really miss him

Aint seen him in 10 years n a nigga still livin

Tha same ol' 2 step we move to a rhythm

50 holla get em' Buck, you know im gunna get em'

Raaaaa!



[Chorus x2]

I know you gonna let me shine n get mine

I know you gonna let me in wit this nine

I know you gonna smoke on my weed

I know you gonna let me drink wit no I.D



I know im sinnin but im winnin at tha same time

Take a couple shots from a nigga tryin ta take mine

I'm back on tha block, wit a choppa n a tech nine

Niggaz shootin cops n the hood runnin stop signs

G-UNIT, The Game! Bitches doin wat tha thugs do

G's, D's, Vice, Lords, Crips n the Blooz too

Move lemme come through 

Aint a pair of handcuffs, can hold me

I'm ridin' in the ol' school listenin to some oldies

My goals keep shinin, Them hoes keep cryin

The handle of my 45 outlined in diamonds

Just left Ca$hville, bout to fly to Miami

Hopin Yayo watchin Eminem, preform at the Grammys

Niggaz like Eric Benet, prolly cant stand me

I know money will make Halle Berry come outa them panties

Bitch!



Ya'll niggaz in trouble they shoulda neva let me in (in)



[Chorus x2]



Bet ya I can make them bounce back

Teach em' how to stunt, teach em' how to counts stacks (yeah)

Now where ya hood at? Buck

If you want to, we 50 deep up in here watchu gonna do

Who want beef, I aint come for no name callin

Dont be mad cuz we is n you aint ballin'

Gettin' money is my motto for you broke folks

Can't spend ya whole life payin on ya car notes

It's alright if you still on the block boy

See ima cold young thug, not a hot boy

You know I do this for the streets, n my peeps thas behind bars

As soon as they come home, I'll go n buy them all cars

Young Buck!



[chorus x2]



We get the club jumpin' from beginning to the end

Go shawty, we back up in this bitch again

We party, harder than you can imagine

You can run wit losers, or run wit winners that win

AHH!



--Young Buck feat. 50 Cent, "Let Me In"



Oh, yeah.  I'm READY.

On A Very Special Birthday Edition Of Starfuckers, Inc...

The title spoils everything...

This turns 1. Shortly I will turn 26. Let's do it.

Hey! Look Over There!:
Halle Berry, 18; Heidi Klum 21

26) Kim Smith (re-entry, peak 20)
25) Kitana Baker (both 10)
24) Eliza Dushku (14/3)
23) Lacey Chabert (debut)
22) Sofia Vergara (19/8)
21) Natalie Portman (20/8)

20) Anna Kournikova (23/6)
19) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, peak 16)
18) Pam Anderson (24/12)
17) Beyonce Knowles (17/4)
16) Gloria Velez (25/12)
15) Esther Baxter (16/15)
14) Jamie Pressly (15/7)
13) Adriana Lima (7/3)
12) Kristanna Loken (12/8)
11) Carmen Electra (15/8)

TEN
Salma Hayek (11/10)

NINE
Brooke Burke (3/1)

EIGHT
Lindsay Lohan (8/3)

SEVEN
Rachel Bilson (13/7)

SIX
Josie Maran (9/6)

FIVE
Vida Guerra (7/5)

FOUR
Angelina Jolie (5/1)

THREE: Eva Longoria (4/3)

TWO: Trish Stratus (2/1)

THE FUTURE MRS.: Jessica Alba (1)

UPGRADE!: Gloria Velez, 9
Downfall: Kitana Baker, 15

Ambient music: Travis - Baby One More Time (live & acoustic)

"the U.N. of Poonani"

It would've been different if someone had knocked him sideways, but it never happened. So he just kept on predicting and winning, predicting and winning, predicting and winning. After a while it was like Candide: he didn't think anything could go wrong in this, the best possible of all worlds.
--Dr. Ferdie Pacheco about Muhammed Ali's rise to stardom

GuhyeeOD DAMN.

I have literally never lived in a day in my life where I've had this much fun before 6. I may've literally never had a day this fun ever.

Hitting all colors for the pussy cycle will do that to a brother.

So let's do what I always say to do: begin with the beginning, go through the middle, and eventually reach the end.

Aaron & I hit PB today to look for a place to rent for our summer vacation. Living the dream of beach bums: balcony, deck facing the ocean, wild parties, bikinis, waking up at 2 and sleeping at 5, the whole megillah. The boardwalk was just up and down with places to rent so we went up and down it. (The best one looked like Tony Montana's summer home, with a spiral staircase in lieu of an elevator. And FOUR fireplaces for an outside loft visible from the boardwalk. Pics next time.)

We get the thumbs up from this cute blonde at a bistro at the northern most end (started at the south and went up), but it doesn't go anywhere because we then spend the rest of the time playing "Mr. Jones" off each other--she's looking at you? I don't think so, she looking at me.

After checking out all there is to check out, we go to Hooters.

And life as I know it ends.

There's a 22-year-old Latina Hooters waitress.

And she has a twin sister.

And they're working at the same time.

Brenda and Glenda. Glenda and Brenda. I literally do not remember a thing about today before Brenda and Glenda, and as such have logically come to the conclusion that everything about today BB&G is pointless unnecessary white noise. We ask Brenda (maybe Glenda? Doesn't matter, the fact the question alone has to be asked does) what was up with the thumbs up and she doesn't know because she usually smiles at guys when she's into guys. And then, the best throwaway sentence ever.

"It might've just been because she saw two good-looking guys."

The rest of my body has since filed for federal aid, as the ego tsunami has left them in ruins.

Maybe it was because I matched the retro Warriors hat with the neoretro J-Rich jersey today?

So anyway, more remarkable than that is the fact I order a Philly cheesesteak and don't finish it. It's like the moon colliding into the ocean. There are just certain things one takes for granted: the President's a moron, you don't tug on Superman's cape, the sun sets in the West, I finish meals. It wasn't even a BIG cheesesteak! I was just knocked-on-my-ass floored. Aaron & I come to the conclusion that this is why the terrorists hate us. Don't hate the playas, Muhammed, hate the game!

It is quickly decided to take the 5000+spin, and keep going and spit in the Whammy's face. We should get a picture. Aaron is lucky enough to have a cameraphone; I'm waiting out my contract for the free three-digit upgrade from V-Dub. We get them together for the picture (Aaron gets dibs, it's his technology allowing us to do this) and I suddenly for the first time in 90 minutes get a rush of blood to the head.

UPPER level.

I simply take a picture. But then suddenly, complaints. I didn't count to three first. So it's do-over time. This time I count it off.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's friendship.

As we get them to switch from him to me and we check the picture, Aaron is stunned at the easy brilliance of the plan. Extra picture, extra face time. An honest looking mistake, but so simple, so devious, and you get both pictures. They're back, and I get in the middle. It's all smile.

We stumble out into the day, dazed and confused by the waterfall of awesome luck we just passed under. It's dueling Admiral James Stockdale impersonations as we head back down the beach. Did that actually just happen? To a couple shlubs like US?! We're HOT?! I pass off what's left of the sandwich to a homeless guy in lieu of money without blinking. I suspected in my more egomaniacal moments, but getting outside confirmation from a reliable source...

"...the guy with the Warriors gear on, he's a 9."

Suddenly I get jolted back into the here and now by a bunch of cute white girls sitting on a deck at one of the aforementioned beach-houses has a masterstroke that will absolutely be stolen by us: they have a whiteboard and are ranking guys off as they pass. My ego, already severly inflated, starts heading to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade for the head spot in line.

It's really a beautiful day, the day you brag to those back east about: about 60, slight breeze but nothing too bad (thus the throwback), people having fun, people drinking it up, people blasting Biggie out on the block like it's Fulton in the BK, the sun setting...

...people playing Al Green's "Belle" out on the street.

In proper accordance with the day right across from us is a pack of hot sistas who I do a little back-and-forth with. Al Green, bitches. It IS Sunday, after all.

I'm still not entirely sure that happened. I keep looking over my back for wings.

Anyway, Saturday better get in the weight room, drink some eggs, do somethin', 'cause it's going to have a motherfuck of a time beating today.

(And yes, once we get the beachhouse, there's two names already marked off for the christening party...)

How apropo...

Ambient music: Jay-Z & the Roots - Big Pimpin' (unplugged)

I'd Like To Apologize For Being Boring

I'm sorry. Work's just been a nuisance but not the sort of nuisance that makes for good reading. ("Head up, check in hand", some anonymous man said once) My social life's just one big leadup to next Saturday's 26th b-day bash. Sure, I'm going to one of the best steak places in town, and the hottest club after that, but that's not for another week and a half. And I've foolishly applied my "no gifts the month before Christmas" mentality to this, meaning I have no wacky club stories or title defenses.

Maybe if I was still with the psycho killer qu'est-ce que c'est that would be a diversion before the jumpoff on the 5th but as it stands it's just a big fat expanse of time before I wild out with only minor speedbumps on a straight road.

Oh, I'm looking into renting a place in Pacific Beach for a week in the summer with Aaron so we can both drop out for a week and become beach bums. I'll probably be in for 3Gs but it'd be worth it. Especially if I can ever find a British midget who'll holler at bitches for us. Either way, just to confirm:

a) I am not dead.

2) The birthday party story, what parts I'll remember, ought to be epic.

Ambient music: Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains

Rosser Hot Fifteen

GONE:
"Let's Go", 5

15) U2, "Vertigo" (6)
14) T-Weaponz feat. Pitbull & Notch, "Mira Mira" (debut)
13) U2, "All Because Of You" (debut)
12) My Chemical Romance, "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" (8)
11) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Let's Get Blown" (debut)

10) Jennifer Lopez, "Get Right" (debut)
09) Ciara feat. Missy Elliot, "1, 2 Step" (7)
08) Franz Ferdinand, "This Fire" (10)*
07) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Drop It Like It's Hot" (2)
06) 50 Cent, "Disco Inferno" (debut)

05) Mario, "Let Me Love You" (debut)
04) Lloyd Banks feat. Avant, "Karma" (9)*

03) Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey, "U Make Me Wanna" (4)*
02) Ludacris, "Get Back" (3)*
01) Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris, "Lovers And Friends" (1) [1m]

Ambient music: Big Wreck - Blown Wide Open

She Said, He Said

"I'm not coming--and you KNOW why."

"You might think I'm being dumb about this, but I'm a man who knows his history. Not just personal, but world history. And right now the only thing I can think about is Lincoln freeing the slaves--which means YOU DON'T OWN ME. You want to step off the crazy ledge, you have the number."

You know, out of all the large black objects I want to hit pretty girls with, the one at the end of my hand is Option B. But there you go.

We'll see if any more red ink gets spilled on this page...

Ambient music: #6, U2 - Vertigo

Vanessa Kay > Christy Hemme

Hopefully I'll have a picture in the next week for y'all on that score. Didn't think about Sophie all day long, which is probably a sign of something or other. Tomorrow night, more ASR & then hitting the club, possibly with an ASR girl or twelve. Got a few receptions to light flirting today.

This might be me having a hell of a time at the wake.

Ambient music: Eminem - Without Me

Jim Lovell To Mission Control

Y'know, I'm trying to ease off on being the five billionth rate Chris Rock, but then something like tonight happens and the only logical response is What the fuck is WRONG with you bitches?!

Anyway, after Ivan didn't want to go out, I called Sophia for the fiftyleventh time this week. Our schedules have been with our off days with the other working so it's been hell. Of course, got the machine. But after a bit she called me back. So things are going fine, and as I am doing with people, inviting them to my birthday party in a couple weekends. We're having a perfectly status quo convo until she asks who all is coming. And one of the names is Cristal.

Some of you are throwing things at your monitor right now. Screw you. We still get along, we're still friends, we were the poster children of Good Wholesome American Fun during our little bit together and I don't want to get back together with her, so it was only natural. Hell, I've invited all my other friends from work that'll come except the poor security bastards that're probably working. You can tell I'm very laissez-faire about this. Sophie hits the ceiling, and gets into this whole how'd-you-feel-if-I-invited-my-ex thing and I'm trying to explain to her just because your last boyfriend was a jackass doesn't mean you need to crucify me for his sins, and then she got pissed Cristal got an invite before she did.

Anybody else think it mattered Cristal was there when I got the idea and I wanted to tell Sophia over the phone voice-to-voice instead of the voicemail? Yeah, I didn't think so. Anyway, things got snippy, and she hung up on me. I almost called her right back but I've decided to hold off because I might say something I would regret. Like the fact she's wrong and I know it. So I'll just call her in a couple days--right after Action Sports on the comeback the next three days. Good thing she's not coming to that, she'd swear I'm cheating on her with some hot piece of ass or another. Fucking hell.

In the immortal words of John F. Kennedy at his inauguration, Fuck around and made her milkbox material--you feel me? Suck a dick, running your lips, 'cause of you I'm on some real fuck a bitch shit...

Ambient music: Xzibit - Hey Now (Mean Muggin')

Flip The Switch

www.butchrosser.net is up. Whether anything holds it but the blog--well, we'll see. Maybe some digicam stuff, wrestling subpage, I dunno.

Ambient music: Dave Matthews Band - Jimi Thing

Hi. My Name Is Shorty. I Think You Know What To Do.

• Season 3 Seinfeld DVD
• Garden State DVD
• Sin City poster (those of you who ask which one, hit the back button, you clearly, clearly are lost)
• Jadakiss - Time's Up
• One Fall by Spencer Baum
• Nirvana's box set
  
• an inappropriate shirt
• the new Christian or Ric Flair shirts
• Season 2 of Chappelle's Show (caveat: must be bought the day it comes out, as the next day is the b-day)
• Anchorman DVD
• money (don't be a sucker bitch and get me a gift card; if you're going to get me something impersonal straight cash will do)
• And, of course, the semi-weekly plea for Jessica Marie Alba (Amanda, you work in Hollywood, get busy)

Ambient music: Soil - Halo

Ambient music: Eminem, Obie Trice & DMX - Go To Sleep

Take a look. A long, good one.

For pretty soon this will all be gone. Pop culture cuisinarted, the peaks and valleys, the Christy Hemme Jihad--all washed away.

And all that will stand in it's place is www.butchrosser.net.

You have been warned.

We now return you to regular programming...

Rosser Hot Ten

GONE: "Encore vs. Numb", 7; "What You Waiting For?", 8

1. Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Usher & Ludacris: Lovers And Friends (4) [2w]
2. Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell: Drop It Like It's Hot (1)
3. Ludacris: Get Back (3)*
4. Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey: U Make Me Wanna (6)*
5. Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista: Let's Go (2)
6. U2: Vertigo (5)
7. Ciara feat. Missy Elliott: 1, 2 Step (10)*
8. My Chemical Romance: I'm Not Okay (I Promise) (9)*
9. Lloyd Banks feat. Avant: Karma (debut)
10. Franz Ferdinand: This Fire (debut)

Ambient music: Big Audio Dynamite - Rush

Everything Old Is New Again

Life is strange (yeah, life is strange)
What can I make myself be--faker?
To make her mine, yeah...
--R.E.M., "Crush With Eyeliner"

I've tried to start this twice, and not come close. So, let's give it another whirlaround the bend.

Friday night I was waiting for the goddamn shift to end. It was taking forever, and longer than ever because I was waiting to kick off my party. Around 7 I found a cell phone on a bench by one of the Starbucks. About 45 minutes later the owner came by to pick it up.

And not a damn thing has really made sense since.

As an end result, I've got a second date next week and a new possible girlfriend. (Am I suddenly ovulating at the outset of the year now or something? First Cristal last year, now...well, give me time, kids.)

When she walks up to me, my bear trap-like mind focuses in on something: this chick is TEH HAWT (™ Jason Kolt Incorporated). She's unusually focused on me, too, considering I'm in the SDCC Ohio Players horn guy/train conductor outfit, and asks if I picked up a phone from around here. Since I did, and that was the only one, I describe it accurately. She asks for it back and I realize that I had security take it, so I decide on the spot to apply all my training and be proactive and help her find her way back there to get it.

She's looking at me a lot, and I'm thinking a) she knows me or someone very much similar or 2) I have a boogie.

Not 2, so hurrah. Unless a) leads me to getting slapped and yelling about how she paid her own abortion. (My doppelganger is apparently fucking shady.) But we start walking back there in a completely unneccessary move on my part and she looks at my name tag.

"You ARE him!"

Then he braces himself for the hit...--Chris Rock

"You remember me?"

And I quit looking at her figure (which was TEH HAWT in a business suit, so you can believes that took some doing) and I look her in the eyes and start diving into the archives. I know I didn't know her any time in the recent past cause THAT I'd Remember and now we're talking at the same time.

Castle Park Elementary. And then, Castle Park Middle School.

She's Sophia Nava. Rhymes with lava. You can look under "hot as" for that last.

Here for a business dinner downtown with some fellow associates of a local Toyota dealership once they get done pimping '05s on the show floor behind me she leaves her phone and I find it.

Gets better.

I find out what she's been up to in the decade since I've seen her, and I tell her what I've been up to besides stunt doubling on Thomas the Tank Engine (drew a laugh), and I give her my number. Because of the party. I figured she might want to swing by. wotthehell, nothing ventured, nothing gained, to be bold is to go forth and all that. So she plugs me in, and goes to the dinner and I have my party and she doesn't show. Dirt off the shoulder, yeah?

Gets better.

Check my voicemail Saturday night, she left a message. So I call her back, and we talk a little, and I set up a small outing for a local sushi place for Tuesday. I don't really think deep into it, other than pleasant surprise.

This leads into the small informal outing.

A "date", if you're one of those assholes who have to name everything. It's been a while, but I'm oddly not nervous. I don't know why not, either, but I'm just very....Dude-like.

We get to the place and start rapping. She immediately scored some points with me by asking why I set this up with the Championship game almost running concurrently. I was thisclose to going "I loooooove football. But not as much as I love pussy."

Shout-out to USC for solidifying my choice, btw.

The date goes well. She's a little less gregarious than I am, but there's a lot of talking about our jobs and what we were up to all those years. We trade off tempura and sip sake and everything is going well until her phone goes off on a loud vibration.

She looks down, and sort of flinches/rolls her eyes. I say offhandedly, as I am foolishly trying to impress her with chopstick skills I don't have, who it is.

"It's my boahhhhhhheeeeeee."

And I says to her, "It's your what now?" and she's sort of realizing she is going to have to make a decision on the fly. I continue "Either you have an odd relationship with your sheep--which you need to tell me about--or there's something else you need to tell me about. Now."

Then he braces himself for the hit...

"Boyfriend."

WHAM.

"Well, I shouldn't say that."

Uh...erm...MAHW?

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"

Sorry, Danny, she didn't finish the line. But she explains she was going out with this guy for a while, and he was sort of getting shady at the end and she thought he was cheating on her probably wants her back, et al.

"But forget about him."

So I do.

What a fucking lie. I do, but that doesn't come for a few more hours. We finish dinner, and chat a little more about how well things went. She says it's really something we've come together like this after all these years, and we both add some class to dating by cosigning neither one of us had a Fatal Attraction for each other because while friendly in the Way Back When, we weren't OMGTHAT"STHEONE! (I doubt I'd hit puberty by then. God, 2001 was a horrible year for me. Thank you, tip your veal, try your waitress.) But now we're here, and we say we're going to get together again--it can go either way at this point.

At which point...gets better.

We hug goodnight, and there's this awkward silence between us. Probably because neither one of us let go. I can't say who zoomed who, but someone leaned into someone and that led to us kissing for a bit.

It never occured to me, breaking awkward silences with kissing.

One hell of an icebreaker, though.

So we go our seperate ways and promise to call, etc., and then I get home and talk to my Cabinet about the next plan of action. I think it's a forward situation to move with a but attached. I get the same answers. 'Cause I got to know. As I put it, "I don't want to be a backup nigga." So I call her again. He's the ex. They just broke up, and this was her first time out. The verbal faux pax was her thinking of him that way before realizing he wasn't anymore and realizing where she was. She was surprised I called back so soon, thinking I was mad because the announcement stopped me from smiling.

I explain she mistook anger for confusion, just wondering where my place in the universe was.

Apparently, it's us getting together again next week.

Off a lost cell phone.

I think blood should've started shooting out of my ears by this point. I don't get it, don't want to get it, don't care if I ever get it. Now that's it's beginning to hit home, joy is starting to spread through me. That or a coronary.

...

...

..

.

It's joy! Success!

So I didn't want to say anything until the first was in the books, and then there was the subsequent "What're we gonna do now?" And now that I know, you have been informed.

*glares* CLAP FOR ME, BITCHES!

Ambient music: Jane's Addiction - Just Because

2005, FUCK YEAH

WOO

HA

ADDENDUM!:
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth...

Broken Resolutions

DON'T fall in love with the Heineken in the champagne bottle.

DON'T walk around the fancy hotel lobby with the World Title hanging off your arm.

DON'T crash a wedding reception and be the only black guy in there.

DON'T do it again.

DON'T gloat when you run your friends down in ghetto Texas Hold'Em.

DON'T do the Christian kiss-two-lips-point-at-random-homies deal when you walk downtown--oh, yes:

DON'T walk around downtown New Year's Day with the World Title hanging off your shoulder.

DON'T encourage the drunks at the Irish pub by high-fiving them all and then pointing back yelling "SHOUT OUT TO MY PEEPS!"

DON'T finish the entire 1.5 liter Heineken champagne bottle.

Drat.

Ambient music: Monster Magnet - Live For the Moment

2004, FUCK YEAH!

It is for all those reasons and cosmic justice that I would like to, in advance, declare 2004 my bitch and defy it to prove me wrong. Apartment. Woman. Frightening amount of joy. Book it.--Me, one year ago

Finally, you've made more progress this year than you have since I've known you. You've done things too, y'know. Oh, sure, you didn't leave on a jet plane and don't know if you'll be back again, but you took (for you) some major steps. It may not seem like it at the moment, but come New Year's I predict you'll be writing about 04 as The Year Butch Moved Forward.--Matt Spaulding, October 18th

I'm blowing up like you thought I would/call the crib, same number, same hood, it's all good.--Biggie, In the Way Back When

Well, not all that's true: you could call the crib, get the same number and same hood, but I've evolved to a different number and the same number in the same hood is a lot less likely to get you to me.

Right before I started this I was walking down the hallway I'd been in a thousand times. The lights were out. But I knew my way, and didn't stumble. In a bit, my arm shot out, and flipped the switch to cue the light.

And there's the year in a forty-five second nutshell. After hitting a nadir, and starting to move forward last year, '04 will be in fact the year I made the Leap. Oh, sure, I may blow up in '05, get the Alba restraining order lifted in '10, presidency in '20. But this year started off with a shock, sprinkled in a few more, and ended (well, will end) with me throwing a New Year's Eve bash that this writer can only hope doesn't land him in the new year with a roomate named Bubba who wants to dance with him.

Despite no apartment and not nearly enough of the novel, this year got me out of my shell. It got me Cristal and a big-ass stupid grin on my face I thought the Jaws of Life would have to remove. It got me a cell phone only 19 years behind the rest of the nation, turing me quickly from the "Who cares?" to the "Oh, God, been two minutes...must ogle phone...and download more ringtones..." camp. (Imagine if I'd shelled out for the cameraphone!) It got me the Howard Dean role of bloggers running for president, the eternal love of Kitana Baker and the eternal enmity of Christy Hemme, a best friend back after 12 years, scars (one, at least) that'll never heal from eight hours straight of partying as Lil' Jon on Halloween Eve, blown away by Garden State, A Tribe Called Quest absolutely pimping me out on the corner for drug money, rejected, dejected, elated, and, of course, massive cockblockery.

I wouldn't've traded it for nuthin' short of 8 figures.

So, since I hit the note last year, what do I see for me in the Zero Cinco?

The point when you're falling is to stop. The point when you stop is not to regress. The point when you don't regress is to start moving forward.

The point when you move forward is to stop walking towards the prize and get runnin'.

Happy New Year, y'all.

Ambient music: Young Gunz - Friday Night

The Albas

Props to Victor:

For everybody who kept me from getting "on the cover of Newsweek" in a bad way in 2004, non-relative division:

Jon Stewart: For the news that didn't matter, and pretty much kicked TV's ass. Oh, and for telling those fucks on Crossfire to check a loaded gun with their mouth.

Keith Olbermann: For ACTUAL news. I can now once again be horrified at the world.

Zach Braff: One of the four comedies on network TV that doesn't suck, and a debut movie that almost made me cry like a bitch. Ignore me. I'm drunk off cheese.

Roberto Harris: For helping me figure out the funny little muddle that is Butch.

The Red Sox: Force-feeding the Best Choke Ever to the Yankmes. That's going to be funny forever.

The ex: It didn't work out, but it still was some of the best times of my life.

Brian Giles: For giving me the funniest moment at work of the year.

The cast of Arrested Development: Just the continual hilarity all around. Keep it up!

Ken Jennings: Who would've won the "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" had it not been for the Sawx.

My friends in and out of Blog Nation: There's a thin wall between sanity and killing spree; you guys kept it up. Whether it was horrifying links, pointless surveys, rides, jokes, sodas...you guys are the most important thing in my life outside of staying alive to keep it. If I could have everyone at my NYE party getting drunk off their ass, I would. But thanks either way.

And to the random girls at the club, Kitana Baker, Iyari Limon, Robia LaMorte, the girls from Halloween Eve, Internet sluts of all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities, Amanda when I'm drunk, Aaron's friend Marilyn, One Date Maria, DAMN SURE NOT CHRISTY HEMME, and the poster for Sin City: Did you ever know that you're my heeeeeeeeeroooooooooooooeesssssssssss...

Ambient music: the Offspring - Defy You

Starfuckers Inc: Enero Dos Mil y Cinco

You can click the title for spoilers (THX JEN)...

DROPPED:
Dawn Marie [19]
Stacy Keibler [25]

25) Gloria Velez (last month: 23, peak: 12)
24) Pam Anderson (22/12)
23) Anna Kournikova (re-entry/6)
22) Natalie Portman (20/8)
21) Heidi Klum (16/10)

20) Jamie Pressly (15/7)
19) Sofia Vergara (re-entry/8)
18) Halle Berry (both 17)
17) Beyonce Knowles (13/4)
16) Esther Baxter (both 24)
15) Carmen Electra (21/5)
14) Eliza Dushku (14/3)
13) Rachel Bilson (18/10)
12) Kristanna Loken (11/8)
11) Salma Hayek (both 10)

10: Kitana Baker (both 12)
09: Josie Maran (both 8)
08: Lindsay Lohan (4/3)
07: Adriana Lima (6/3)
06: Vida Guerra (7/6)

FIVE
Angelina Jolie (5/1)

FOUR
Eva Longoria (9/4)

THREE
Brooke Burke (3/1)

TWO
Trish Stratus (both 1)

ONE
Jessica Alba (2/1)

All hail the trailer for Sin City.

UPGRADE!: Esther Baxter, +8
downgrade: Heidi Klum, -5

Ambient music: Talking Heads - Road To Nowhere

2004? That's Hot (in keeping with the tradition)

Favorite CD: Beastie Boys' To The Five Boroughs

Favorite movie: Kill Bill volume 2, with a mad serving of dap to Garden State considering how KB-loving I am

Stupidest thing I bought in 2004: My New Year's resolution to stop chasing pussy as I fell for my ex within 72 hours of the statement and went out and became a more voracious party animal as the year progressed

Wedding present I would give Britney & Kevin: the BIG-ASS Foreman Grill, and the Nirvana box set so they know what actual music sounds like

Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV wins for the second year in a row!

My favorite new toy: (tie) Bond digicam or the cell phone

In 2004 I was totally obsessed with: Jessica Alba, again (still), rock covers of pop songs ("Fuck It (Don't Want You Back)", I'm waiiiiiiiting!)

Sex symbol of 2004: Lindsay Lohan. rowr.

Best sex I've had this year: er...

My most rock star moment of 2004:
5) Just remember, Dupin: GOD HATES YOU!

4) see Drunkest I Got.

3) "I would've let Less Filling get in on your left, but she's still handcuffed to my bed, poor thing."

2) the time I walked out of a pool hall, saw a girl wearing a "It's my birthday! Spank me" sticker and CRACKED a sharp smack on her ass but didn't stop leaving with Aaron alongside me in shock the whole way

1) getting freaked by one girl and the digits from another after suffering a first-degree burn. While drunk. And dressed like Lil' Jon because it was Halloween Eve. And then partying another five hours after THAT, staggering into bed at a quarter to six. Can't stop, won't stop Butch to the Rosser 'cause I, I gets down baybay, I gets down! Girls the girls they love meeee...

Biggest 2004 regret: Didn't leave the nest, and not even that's too big. This second. Oh, and the MASSIVE COCKBLOCKERY~! of 9/11. Nigga wouldn't even do the rockaway, and I missed out on my dream rainbow samich. *sigh*

Favorite phrase of 2004: "I'm not the one buying love": Shaq RE: Kobe. And, of course, "I'm Rick James, bitch."

Number of times I said "I'm Butch Rosser, bitch!": Sadly, none.

Number of times I watched the Paris Hilton sex tape: None. If the one with her and the Playmate comes out, THEN you got something worth downloading.

Best song I downloaded this year: "99 Problems", Hova

Favorite book of 2004: Unbelievable: the Life, Death and Afterlife of the Notorious B.I.G. by Cheo Hodari Coker

Drunkest I got in 2004: My birthday party, which is like Watergate tape after the Irish Car Bombs and friends had to inform me of what happened at the club after. Props must be given to the August night I had 15 beers in two hours, partied in two places, and frenched a bride-to-be.

What I learned this year: The assumption that I was surrounded by idiots manifested itself into fact with the reelection of Pres-o-dent Squinty.

Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: After work, I'm pulling a Chingy with a hotel party--but at the Grand Hyatt. Which is hard to rhyme. After that starts, on the floor, all over the booze, up against some girls, in the sack.

Ambition for 2005: Same stuff from last year: finish the novel, start flying solo, get a bird to perch on my rooftop (Editor's Note: by "bird" he means Britslang for girl and by "perch on his rooftop" he means deep, fulfilling relationship or #1 on the Booty Call countdown, answer to change by the minute)

Ambient music: nine inch nails - March of the Pigs

the Presents of the Christ

lottery tickets (TWO $25,000s when I needed three. Bah fucking humbug.)
2 packs of chocolates
$35 (probably going to the NYE PartAy fund)
jumbo playing cards
police light (seriously)
Dodgeball DVD
Chargers division champs shirt
pajama set
pack of socks
pack of boxers
$30 gift card for Best Buy
$20 gift card for Borders/Waldenbooks
ADDENDUM: Kobe scoring eleventy billion but choking down the stretch and the Heat winning

So, my brother and dad get new cars and my mom gets put in a crooked nursing home. Status quo, really...

Ambient music: Foo Fighters - Learn To Fly

Rosser Hot 10

1. Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell: Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [10w]
2. Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista: Let's Go (4)*
3. Ludacris: Get Back (7)*
4. Lil' Jon & the Eastside Boyz feat. Ludacris & Usher: Lovers And Friends (debut)*
5. U2: Vertigo (2)
6. Jadakiss feat. Mariah Carey: U Make Me Wanna (debut)*
7. Jay-Z & Linkin Park: Encore vs. Numb (5)
8. Gwen Stefani: What You Waiting For? (3)
9. My Chemical Romance: I'm Not Okay (I Promise) (10)*
10. Ciara feat. Missy Elliott: 1, 2 Step (debut)*

GONE: "Pain", 6; "Lose My Breath", 8, "American Idiot", 9

Ambient music: Weezer - El Scorcho

A Little Dap'll Do Ya

Danny, Victoria, Stephen, and Jason: Thanks for the cards. If I'd gotten my house more in order I would send you guys some. Maybe some Festivus cards, or pictures of random girls, I dunno. Your contributions will go noted.

Rob: THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY! Congratulations, you just lapped my family's gifts for the second year in a row with the Seinset.

The rest of yas: Whadda madda you? Make like Apache and JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT, JUMP ON IT!

Ambient music: #4, Trick Daddy feat Lil' Jon & Twista - Let's Go

Rosser Top Ten

Dropped From Rankings: "Lean Back", 9; "Goodies", 10

(10) My Chemical Romance --> I'm Not Okay (I Promise) (debut)
(09) Green Day --> American Idiot (6)
(08) Destiny's Child --> Lose My Breath (8)*
(07) Ludacris --> Get Back (debut)
(06) Jimmy Eat World --> Pain (7)*

(05) Jay-Z & Linkin Park --> Encore v. Numb (5)*
(04) Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista --> Let's Go (4)*

(03) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (2)

(02) U2 --> Vertigo (3)*

(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [2m]

Ambient music: Ramones - Teenage Lobotomy

Champion Retains

My right hand is sore.

Shut up.

This band let me on stage, and after wailing on the tambourine, I got to sing some of both "Staying Alive" and "Sexual Healing"--chicks digged the Marvin.

So for all of you who think you're getting my World Partying Title without bringing your A game--you better ax somebody.

Ambient music: Talking Heads - Take Me To The River

Shopping OPEN Season

The Christmas shopping for '04 is DONE. This is two years in a row I've been two weeks ahead of the Fat Man, and let me tell ya something, good as it feels now--watching my family run around like Godzilla's looming above them next week it's going to feel even better. I can't go back to the old ways. I won't.

On my travels in the Outside World (twenty billion cheers for Amazon) KB had a sale, and I found myself buying a replica World Heavyweight Title for $7.

So, to all my friends coming to town, the Butch has something to say: it's open season. This year, I have made the Leap. I have gone from wallflower to 24-hour Party Person. And if you say different, then PROVE ME WRONG. I'm putting up MY World Heavyweight Title--the same one I won in that tournament in Rio de Janeiro--vs. anybody who thinks they can party better than me without puking. It doesn't matter if you're homegrown, down from LA, Berkeley, Eugene, Seattle, Keokuk, JUST...BRING IT. Because in the immortal words of Mahatma Ghandi upon India's release from British rule post-World War II, to be the Man--WHOOOOOOO!--you gotta beat the Man!

Ambient music: R.E.M. - Radio Free Europe

Rosser Top Twenty Five

Can I get a hell, yeah from the audiophiles like me? (HELL, YEAH!)

There's a good swerve for you, since Gretchen Wilson couldn't get on this list if she paid $100.

So, it's the top 25 of the year time. Very pleasant to see what I came out with when the list was all said and done, since last year's same four or five acts showing up depressed me. Only three acts managed the feat this year, one of whom resides at the top, one who helped him get there and did him one better in volume, and another who nobody in the U.S, had heard of last year and justbarely snuck in there. Nope, not her: Joss Stone threatened on three seperate occassions but couldn't quite get in. I am now way more hip-hop than rock. The big surprise to the hoi polloi: no "Yeah!" Sorry, but outside of the club and a girl's ass against me--took too long to grow on me, and playing along at home isn't as fun.

FUCK WHAT I SAID, IT DON'T MEAN SHIT NOW
Joss Stone, "Fell In Love With A Boy"
the Vines, "Ride"
the Darkness, "Growing On Me"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Maps"
Incubus, "Talk Shows On Mute"
John Legend, "Used To Love U"
the Roots, "Star"
the Killers, "Somebody Told Me"

ALL ACROSS THE BOARD WE GON TEAR IT UP

#25: the Darkness, "Love Is Only A Feeling"
I can't really explain how these Brits' singles came out to match the state of my union (or lack thereof) addresses, but it happened on two occassions. You'll see the other one later.

#24: U2, "Vertigo"
Yeah, like I didn't want to buy an iPod already. It IS eligible for the '05 list, and to be honest will probably do a lot better there. Still, for just getting in under the wire, great work by Larry Cullen Jr. and those other three guys.

#23: Young Buck feat. 50 Cent, "Let Me In"
What, do you want me to get stabbed? Fuck that!

#22: Pitbull feat. Lil' Jon, "Culo"
Spanglish rap? WHAT?! In a town where the proliferation of Starbucks is only matched by Latinas, you can bet I heard this song a time or twenty in a club. Unlike most, it didn't get old.

#21: the Strokes, "Reptilia"
The jittery opening and the rifflicious chorus scratched me where I itched. I really liked the line I said PLEASE don't slow me down if I'm going too fast because the music backed up the state of mind. So what if they're so 2002?

#20: Gwen Stefani, "What You Waiting For?"
Another '05 qualifier. Immediate reaction to hearing this song and seeing the tricked-out video: For some unexplainable reason I suddenly want to do my body weight in Ecstacy!

#19: N.E.R.D., "She Wants To Move"
Hey, I don't care what people say, this Pharrell kid is going to be somebody some day. You watch. Was this CD as good as In Search Of...? Someone let me know, because that thing pimped me out hard.

#18: D-12, "My Band"
I'd pull a knife on Marshall, too, Kuniva. Alba's MY wife to be, fuckdammit!

#17: Green Day, "American Idiot"
As a consolation prize for not being higher up Billie Joe and the boys get the Most Accurate Song of the Year award.

#16: Maroon 5, "She Will Be Loved"
Your laughter at me is making Baby Jesus sad.

#15: Kanye West, "Jesus Walks"
The offical theme song of Johnny Damon! Best part: the last verse was a taunt to see if radio would play it. Guess who won that one?

#14: Franz Ferdinand, "Take Me Out"
'04's Riff of the Year. And sadly, a topic I can really identify with. Not that I'm plotting to firebomb Stephanie off the face of the earth...anymore...

#13: Jay-Z, "Dirt Off Your Shoulder"
From the Riff to the Opening Line. Great EPMD reference in the end, and the 52 cards line...no one does a lyric like Sean does 'em.

#12: Beastie Boys, "Ch-Check It Out"
Screw Mase; welcome back to y'all! The first single off my Album of the Year was my Comic-Con theme, esp. MCA's opening lyric. Lorne Greene really got paid that much? Nice to see somebody else enjoyed the Cable Guy besides me.

#11: Terror Squad, "Lean Back"
PSSSSSST...if y'all got rid of that biter Remy this would've made top 5. As is, Fat Joe carries the load for his posse with a minimum of body movement. I would've cut a rap like this, but being nicknamed Urkel, Academic League, Wiseass or maybe Most Likely To Host A Talk Show doesn't really translate into rhyme well. :(

#10: Alicia Keys, "You Don't Know My Name"
Assuming my parents hadn't disconnected from music in 1987, this would be the current artist most likely to be in their CD case. Respecting the old while searching for the new at its FINEST. $64,000 Question of the Year: Who's big pimpin' so much Alicia's calling them instead of the other way around?

#9: Kanye West, "Through The Wire"
Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. Ch-ch-ch-Chaka Khan. The opening step in the Year of Kanye, and a fine example of what happens when Keeping It Real Goes RIGHT. His throwaway line reference is way funnier than anything Em did in the "Just Lose It" video.

#8: Ludacris, "Blow It Out Your Ass"
You know, right when I heard the new phenomenon like white women with ass I just knew this was making the top 25 somewhere. Jesus saves and Ludacris withdrawls, top 15. Dissing Bill O'Reilly? Congrats, Luda, welcome to the top 10!

#7: Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, "Drop It Like It's Hot"
Here's something to debate amongst yourselves: if it gets released closer to say, Memorial Day than Halloween, does it make #1? And with this song, minimalists shake their ass and pull up their pant leg.

#6: Kanye West, "All Falls Down"
2003: Rachel Hunter :: 2004 :: Stacey Dash, though the latter better stay the hell away from reality TV in '05. Whether that was The Artist Formerly Known As Lauryn or not, the easy guitar groove really brought Kanye's voice tricks to the front: leaning on the accent, mispronouncing Versace...good times.

#5: Outkast, "Roses"
Did I mention I have a boss named Caroline? Would it surprise anybody to know that I haven't opened our conversations without singing her name since about March? I know I think Big Boi's a better rapper than Andre, but everytime he does something crazy/perfect like this...well, you see who's songs are on the list and who's aren't.

#4: Yellowcard, "Ocean Avenue"
Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription is more...violin?! All right, who's been screwing with this thing?! When I was still in limbo about my feelings of the old relationship, I'd find myself singing the chorus out of nowhere for no discernable reason. And sometimes the second verse. And the last one. OK, if there was an Ocean Avenue in town I would've probably sang the whole thing. You happy? Can we move on now, 'cause Lord knows I have...

#3: the Darkness, "I Believe In A Thing Called Love"
...but back when not only had I not moved on, but it was still exciting and new like the beginning of the Love Boat, you'd find me singing this instead. The best part? It doesn't matter if you can't sing, because it almost makes the song better (see Markie, Biz). A shame I didn't get loaded and sing this at a karaoake bar, but then that just would've broken us up even sooner. But Rock Song of the Year!

#2: G-Unit feat. Joe, "Wanna Get To Know You"
You know what my favorite part of the video was? 50 goes You don't have to look like a model for me to adore you and they cut right to a chick who looks like a model. Anyway, the most complete of the G-Unit songs puts them in the runner-up, and Joe doing the chorus work was excellent. The inverse of this song, "Ride With You", didn't even breach my playlist. As I heard a white kid say on a great show once, G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G UNIT!

#1: Jay-Z, "99 Problems"
It's beyond psycho of me, but I imagine Hov sitting down in his favorite chair somewhere going over a to-do list. Hottest chick in the game wearing my chain? Check. Best rapper alive? *listens to "Just Lose It"* Double check. So much cash my great-grandkids won't have to get a real job? Yup. Well, hell, what's left for me to do? I should get one of the guys who started this whole rap/rock thing to produce a song for me. Yeah, that'll do. The LP version with "Points Of Authority" & "One Step Closer" is crazy sick, too. But make no mistake: You was doing 55 in a 54 is the Line of the Year. I will NOT argue this. The man threw in saccharine. SACCHARINE! How, as a ex-journalism major hip-hop head can I not love this? Simple: I can't. So it's the Song of the Year.

Jingle Balls Rock

Not Naughty Enough List:
Gail Kim, 8; Jennifer Walcott, 18; Christina Aguilera, 25

25) Stacy Keibler (re-entry, peak 16)
24) Esther Baxter (debut)
23) Gloria Velez (14x2)
22) Pam Anderson (12x2)
21) Carmen Electra (13/5)

20) Natalie Portman (re-entry, 8)
19) Dawn Marie (23/19)
18) Rachel Bilson (24/10)
17) Halle Berry (17x2)
16) Heidi Klum (20/10)
15) Jamie Pressly (19/7)
14) Eliza Dushku (7/3)
13) Beyonce Knowles (16/4)
12) Kitana Baker (15/12)
11) Kristanna Loken (11/8)

TEN
Salma Hayek (re-entry)

NINE
Eva Longoria (21/9)

EIGHT
Josie Maran (10/8)

SEVEN
Vida Guerra (9/6)

SIX
Adriana Lima (6/3)

FIVE
Angelina Jolie (3/1)

FOUR
Lindsay Lohan (5/3)

THREE
Brooke Burke (2/1)

TWO
Jessica Alba (4/1)

ONE
Trish Stratus (1x2)

Ambient music: Living Colour - Cult Of Personality

Rosser Top Ten

Dropped From Rankings: "Star", 7

(10) Ciara feat. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (9)
(09) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (3)
(08) Destiny's Child --> Lose My Breath (debut)*
(07) Jimmy Eat World --> Pain (8)*
(06) Green Day --> American Idiot (5)

(05) Jay-Z & Linkin Park --> Encore vs. Numb (10)*
(04) Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista --> Let's Go (4)*

(03) U2 --> Vertigo (6)*

(02) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (2)*

(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [6w]

Ambient music: Hootie & the Blowfish - Time

You Gots To Give It Up Now

Now begins my one-month of all altruistic purchase. December 25th. You're thinking "What can I get the man who has not much besides the restraining order Jessica Alba has on him lifted?"

Glad you asked!

DESIRED OBJECT: Jessica Alba
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Eva Longoria

DESIRED OBJECT: Psychosis mask
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Rey Mysterio mask

DESIRED OBJECT: mini-fridge I can stow in my room
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: new dresser because this thing is racing Tara Reid's implants in the Broken Down 500

DESIRED OBJECT: Seinfeld DVD set
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: NO SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU!

DESIRED OBJECT: Artest jersey
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Free Artest shirt

DESIRED OBJECT: a pair or two of 32 x 32 khakis to get into the club. Blue, maybe.
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: pair of jeans, similar

DESIRED OBJECT: Brooke Burke calendar
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Vida Guerra calendar

DESIRED OBJECT: Kellen Winslow powder blue Bolts throwback
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: an above average throwback (NO FUCKING LIME GREEN HAWKS)

DESIRED OBJECT: 20 gig IPod (check the side panel! It's a doable thing, people!)
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: a new CD player that shut all the way

DESIRED OBJECT: a committed relationship with a beautiful, smart woman
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: freaky one-night stand with some hot piece of ass who's name I barely remember and never see again after breakfast

DESIRED OBJECT: freaky one-night stand with some hot piece of ass who's name I barely remember and never see again after breakfast
ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: a committed relationship with a beautiful, smart woman

As I think of more things (and, for you cheap bastids, more subs), I'll pile on this like a Dogwood samich. All right, now that you have an idea, get out there! Get working, 'cause you got a month. And remember--when the B man is happy, you get better posts.

SO MOVE YA ASS!

Ambient music: Aaliyah - Try Again

Some Poor Busboy Just Got Waylaid

Had an odd, very late shift tonight. It was due to me being the Human Swiss Army Knife for what turned out to be the Padres Awards Banquent Slash Cerebral Palsy Fundraiser.

A hell of a lot of fun was had.

THINGS I LEARNED:
Ballplayers, past, present, or future, draw more dimes than a bank in a small town. It was like a All-Blonde-You-Can-Eat buffet with a few exceptions.

Dave Winfield? GOOD PEOPLE. That's right, motherbitches.

Cute girls can be hot wearing baseball uniforms. I don't know why, exactly, that's just how it is.

Doing the Christian pound-your-chest-and-point-at-random-"homie" to a mascot dressed up in a suit is comedy gold.

One of the local TV newscasters who's been on seemingly since before I was born is MAYBE five feet. When I dwarf somebody, to quote Sir Lewis of Black, thaaaaat's....fucked up.

Jeanne Zelasko cleans up nice.

Khalid Greene looks like Spicoli and is nowhere near as verbose.

But the highlight of the night...

Towards the end, Brian Giles gets an award. The man is a defensive wizard, in the running or perhaps has won the Gold Glove. An exceptional player on a good team. He grabs the award and goes to do the victory pose photo op.

It slips from his hands.

It is a big ass glass home plate.

*KEERASH*

I had the best vantage point, at the doorway looking dead center at the podium where the speeches and auction (surprisingly fun to watch) were held. Everybody in the room does the horrified gasp, which is the first time I can remember hearing that and not seeing it as a cliche in a flick or show. Ten seconds later, everybody from Tim Flannery to Randy Jones is laughing their ass off. I laughed so hard, the door I was leaning against went from autolock to self serve because I leaned against it so hard. Two minutes straight. From security to the cameramen from the local networks, just practically dying. It doesn't matter what Brian Giles does the rest of his life; hell, he could save Jessica Alba from a new millennium Armageddon, and every time I see him from now on it's going to be *KEERASH* *KEERASH* *KEERASH*

I say to the event manger afterwards "We need to pick up the shards and sell them on eBay"; sadly, she thought I was kidding.

And then, to conclude the night, in front of my boss I say to departing manager Bruce Bochy and general manager Kevin Towers, "I don't mean to tell you how to run your franchise or anything, but you might want to switch Giles to DH."

Towers was not amused. Everybody else thought it was hilarious, though.

I'm almost psyched for baseball season again. Who would thunk it?

Ambient music: Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam feat. Full Force - I Wonder If I Take You Home

"It Is Time We Face Up To The Unfaceuptoable!"

Fucking hell, I'm going to have to get a new job. The torrent of hours at the SDCC have slowed to a trickle. And telling people I made a donation in their name to the Human Fund after me kicking out the jams for Christmas isn't going to cut it, I fear.

It's really a shame, too. Despite all the boredom that sometimes came along with it, I really had a lot of fun with it some of the time. Met my first girl there, heard some of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life, made good and great friends, and, of course, the money. Maaaaaaan, I'm going to miss that.

Of course, I started this here deal because I figured with the job I'd have something to talk about, rather than this being one big nonstop "This Is The Noise That Keeps Me Awake". But now, it looks like my days of looking like a train conductor for the sake of others is winding down.

Train kept a-rollin'....

Ambient music: the Hives - A Little More For Little You

Consistency Now

Pointless Bowling Update:

• 137.

Played for the seven odd bucks worth of change vs. Ivan & Aaron, and wiped the floor with them. Possibly the hustle of the new millennium. That damn six, though...

• 152.

Four off of the record, third best ever. Set a personal best with four strikes. Pete Weber Jr. who? And then, of course...

• 82. No, really.

See, what had happened was during the first couple of games there was this really hot little Latina with a tight tank top on the lane immediately on my right so I was showing off, and then when she left it was roll of stamps time. I don't care WHAT anybody else says. Two out of three, at any rate--shit, that's almost half.

So a game 35 above my average gets immediately bookended by a game 35 below, and since the number above the average in the first game is lower than the total number of games, there's no average change.

Simple math is fun.

Ambient music: Blondie - One Way Or Another

Rosser Top Ten

Kicking New Flava In Ya Ear: "Lose My Breath", What U Gon' Do", "Mosh"

Dropped From Rankings: "Somebody Told Me", 5; "She Will Be Loved" 7, "The New Workout Plan", 9; "Why", 10

(10) Jay-Z & Linkin Park --> Encore vs. Numb (debut)*
(09) Ciara feat. Petey Pablo --> Goodies (8)
(08) Jimmy Eat World --> Pain (debut)*
(07) the Roots --> Star (6)
(06) U2 --> Vertigo (debut)*

(05) Green Day --> American Idiot (3)
(04) Trick Daddy feat. Lil' Jon & Twista --> Let's Go (debut)*

(03) Terror Squad --> Lean Back (2)

(02) Gwen Stefani --> What You Waiting For? (4)*

(01) Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell --> Drop It Like It's Hot (1) [1m]

Ambient music: Papa Roach - Between Angels And Insects

Seeing Red

All right, let's see if we can get this here blog/life back on some less-controversial path, shall we? Can I kick it? The consensus seems to be "Yes, you can!"

So.

Aaron will understand when I say "I was wearing the mushroom 1-up cap". Basically since I bought that thing at Comic-Con it has always without fail ended up with me having a story to tell about my night out, whether it be drunken Michigan housewives trying to trade it for a map of their homestate or me randomly slapping the ass of of a birthday girl--the 1-up comes out, and the situations "1-up" from the normal.

Tonight, Ivan & I hit the club late. We didn't intend to, because my first caveat was "no clubbing tonight, I'm still recovering from Saturday". Of course, once I heard the beats everything changed. But we were slumming: jeans, me in my new "I'm Rick James--enjoy yo self" shirt. SLUMMING, ya understand. Eventually after walking around the Gaslamp we end up at Rock Bottom. $5 to get in, so what the hey. I'm dancing around, doing the scouting. Four girls in a group, all in love with each other and not in the fun way.

And a hyperactive redhead who keeps dancing and dancing and playing with her hair...

...neurons now moving...

...connections being made...

...it might be...could be...but naw...NA--really?

It's my life. So of course, it actually is Christy Hemme.

And then, a moment that goes down in the Rosser Canon. I think about it, and then I ask her if she's her. Which she is. But that's not the punchline.

SHE BLOWS ME OFF WHEN I ASK HER TO DANCE.

She walks out of the club, and I start cracking up. I don't know why that was my reaction, but even now I think it's one of the three funniest things to happen to me all year and might be the funniest. I stagger laughing like a maniac (in the middle of "Culo" no less) to Ivan, tell him that was worth $5, and go. So we spend the next hour and a half absolutely shredding Christy and going on what I can only describe as a "keeping it real" jihad. Current list of excuses I'm working on:

1) I still have the sniffles and she was afraid to catch something with the flu shot shortage.
2) She's gotten too Hollywood.
3) RACIST.
4) I was wearing my slumming clothes.

Please feel free to add on to that, by the way. So between shredding her--actually, I'm going to pause and keep doing it. Like she better than me. Paid the same $5 I did. Wasn't no magic $5. If she was really up on shit she'd be in On Broadway or E Street Alley at a place that cost $20. Like she better than me. PFFT!

So between that, we smoked premium orange hookah, flirted with the countergirl, and sent Amanda a myriad of dirty, filthy text messages that will be reproduced on request. Good times, good times.

First she got Gail Kim fired, and now this. Do anything for the fans MY BLACK ASS!

It's a good thing I found out now, because I didn't want to wake up in April hating myself for getting with someone so self-involved and living a shallow husk of a life. I wouldn't be able to live with myself! Why?

CAUSE I KEEPS IT REAL!

So shit on her, shit on Hollywood, shit on all you fake-ass C-list bitches, shit on the radio, shit on the Republicans, and if you don't like it you can get in line to suck my fucking cock; the line forms behind Trish and y'all can argue about the order after that.

Boy, you just wait until Iyari hears about this next year, she's going to fuck her up...

THE PUNCHLINE: Had to work a biker convention today (Saturday) and guess who got her own introduction?

Small world.

Ambient music: the sobs of regret on the pillow of remorse English Beat - Tears Of A Clown

VANCOUVER Ho

Unbefuckinglievable.

Is there any way I can get this side of the country to secede from the union? I mean, I realized I lived in the most liberal place this side of Amsterdam where boys kiss boys and nobody freaks out, but watching the absolute avalanche of red states is just depressing. After all that work trying to get new people to vote, all the ones who went for Kerry must really be having a crisis of faith about just how much their vote is actually worth.

The Dems are deader than Dale Earnhart. Their biggest charisma draws are a woman (Hillary) and a black man (Obama) and apparently the majority of the country is stuck back in the forties so you've got a better chance of seeing me escort Jessica Alba to the Fantastic 4 premiere than either of them drawing enough to win. No Senate, no House, do not pass go, do not collect 270 votes.

It's not a secret I don't have anything resembling love or even respect for President Squinty. (See?) And I can't imagine something's going to happen before 2008 that'll make me change my mind--assuming I haven't been killed for various thoughtcrime by then.

But, if there's anything I hope happens in the next four years, I hope Iraq doesn't become the new millennium Vietnam. The nearly 52/48 vote in this country (and I'm convinced 5 of that is 'Well, we're still in the war, we should let him finish') should show him that there is a large amount of the sect he still has to win over. Maybe he can do it.

Do I think he's going to?

Well...

Ambient music: Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For?

Starfuckers Inc.: November '04

Here's Some Bus Fare:
Natalie Portman, 18; Sarah Chalke, 20; Victoria Silvstedt, 24; Jennifer Garner, 25

25) Christina Aguilera (re-entry, peak 6)
24) Rachel Bilson (re-entry, 10)
23) Dawn Marie (re-entry, 22)
22) Rebecca Romijn (both 15)
21) Eva Longoria (debut)

20) Heidi Klum (22/10)
19) Jamie Pressly (17/7)
18) Jennifer Walcott (both 11)
17) Halle Berry (19/17)
16) Beyonce Knowles (23/4)
15) Kitana Baker (both 14)
14) Gloria Velez (both 21)
13) Carmen Electra (16/5)
12) Pam Anderson (both 12)
11) Kristanna Loken (both 8)

10) Josie Maran (both 10)
09) Vida Guerra (9/6)
08) Gail Kim (13/8)
07) Eliza Dushku (7/3)
06) Adriana Lima (6/3)

05) Lindsay Lohan (5/3)
04) Jessica Alba (2/1)

03) Angelina Jolie (4/1)

02) Brooke Burke (3/1)

01) Trish Stratus (both 1)

Ambient music: Franz Ferdinand - This Fire